Focus

There have many many posts going around about choosing a word for a year, as I read them I became inspired to come up with one for myself. At first, it was quite daunting, I came up with a few words but nothing resonated with me. By day three I began to think it was futile... but I didn't want to give up, that was when FOCUS came into my mind, then each day that went by, I heard it and it reverberated with me more and more. 

With choosing the word FOCUS, I came to a conclusion about my health... sitting here wanting to find a way to make a change is all good but without making a plan then nothing will change. I kept hoping that an easy method would be laid out in front of me, which is silly as it won't be simple, it will take a great deal of work and a great deal of FOCUS.  When I was successful in the summer of 2013, I didn't let anything get in the way... not even my 50th birthday, I was in a zone, I was FOCUSED.

So, I made a plan to get started, this weekend was the one to make plans, first I sat down and created a budget... I had played around with one for the last few years but never really sticking to it... There were times I would go to the grocery store and wonder if my bank card would have insufficient funds, other times I would check at the last minute and realize I would have to take money out of my savings account to cover living expenses. This year is different, I have budgeted for everything I can think of and mainly I have started a decent savings account which I don't want to dip into unless there is some sort of emergency. 

I really had to make a budget as Valentina will be seeing the orthodontist in the next six weeks and I will have a monthly bill for a few years ... it's a necessity though as I feel teeth are extremely important for your self-esteem.  I am very aware of this as my teeth were damaged excessively from the medication I had to take after the fire I  survived as a baby The Fire - 48 Years Ago. I was very blessed to have met a woman from my church in my 30's who offered to pay to have my teeth fixed, the dental school then took me on as a project and I didn't have to pay anything, for this I was incredibly grateful. It changed my life in ways I never would have believed, it was a blessing...

With the budget, I made room to spend a little money on my health... I will talk about it more in upcoming posts, although I have a great deal of weight to lose, I am not thinking about a number, I am using this opportunity to get healthy. Many of you gave me some really great ideas, I plan to try the indoor walking again as I physically cannot handle walking great distances outside and Yoga is my number one plan as I need to gain balance. I have seen it work for many older people, it gave them back their lives.

When I started working from home I took the opportunity to sleep in until 7:00 am and sometimes 7:30 am when Valentina has no school. With that I was staying up much too late at night, sometimes 11:00 pm which isn't helpful for me to get the proper rest I need to function... So, I am making 10:00 pm my bedtime and then getting up at 6:30 am spend 30 minutes doing yoga and meditation. Also, one of the best things I have done for myself is that I plug my phone in across the room so that I no longer play with it at night and when the alarm goes off, I get right up... it was a good decision... it will help me keep FOCUS....

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If Not Now? Then When?

I had a really nice Christmas, Valentina was happy with her gifts. I had a few people over and I enjoyed all the food and company... it was really nice to share it with others... I think that's the best part of the holidays, visiting with each other and spending more time getting to know one another.

Saying all this I have been out of control with food, using any and every excuse from it's Christmas, it's a sad time for memories to I'm injured so why not? (basically feeling sorry for myself)... I kept telling myself I'll get back on track after this or after that. I lost focus and I didn't allow myself to see how far I have fallen. Not until a couple of days ago when I felt so uncomfortable that I could no longer ignore it.

This brings me to this blog post title: If Not Now? Then When? ... so I am not waiting until New Years or another predefined date, I am never successful with a date, I just have to do it and most of all I need to make a commitment to myself. So although I am not able to exercise the way I like to or need to, I am going to be accountable for my food. No matter what I eat, I will be tracking it in My Fitness Pal and I will be publishing it daily there.

I would love it if anyone of you wanted to join up there (my user name there is launnk) and work on your goals, even if you just want to maintain, it's a great way to stay healthy. I am and have always been about getting to and maintaining a healthy weight. It is not, nor will it ever be about losing a lot of weight. 

I'm a curvy girl and I love my curves... I have no plans to ever lose them all. We are all built with different shapes and sizes, I say celebrate it and love ourselves no matter what size or shape we are...however; feeling comfortable and healthy in our skin is important.

I don't want it to be an obsession, nor do I want to be so rigid that I feel like I am denying myself any food groups. This is going to be about portions and feeding my body the healthy food it needs and desires. Ever since I hurt my leg, I used it as an excuse..  then I kept thinking how I needed to get on track. Yesterday I thought, If Not Now? Then When? ... Now is the time.... 

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There Is No Way To Hide The Truth Anymore

Before I start this blog, I am going to apologize up front... these past two months have been very hard and emotional for me ... I knew I could not go on the way I was and that I had to make some serious changes in my life.  I feared those changes because I suspected where they would take me, or rather take me away from.  I was right and today brought that home to me... have you ever came to a realization that you were never as important to someone as they were to you? 

I think I knew that for a very long time but I didn't want to see that so I hid it behind food and other addictions... it was easier that way, then I didn't have to feel that pain too.... this whole week has been leading up to today and I have been feeling it come, oh how I wanted to stop it, how I wanted to change the outcome.  That would mean giving into one of my many addictions... I don't just have one, I have many.  I think that is why when I took up exercising that I took it to a whole new level for me... I needed to make it an addiction, something I could pour myself into so that I wouldn't be able to think.

However; my body has different ideas and has been setting limits for me and it won't allow me to walk as much as I want to... it takes over and makes me rest... no matter how hard I try to push.  I am very determined not to go back to unhealthy eating so I sit her contemplating what I can do to take the pain away?  Nothing comes to mind, feeling it is all that I can do and let me tell you, it is hell to feel it... knowing I was never as important to someone as I believed that I was... I just want to get up and walk for hours to de-stress myself... but my body has other ideas. 

Instead I am writing, trying to get every awful and sad emotion out so that I don't give into any of my addictions from the past.  My tenacity has taken over and won't allow me to fall back into the darkness even though it was a much easier place to handle emotionally...  instead, all I can do is write or cry... my choice is writing at the moment, for I have cried so much in the past while that I wonder how many tears a person can have?

I am truly grateful that I have chosen to eat and live healthy, for as easy as it seemed to live with all my addictions, they just masked all the awful feelings I had inside... maybe if I had dealt with them awhile ago... I wouldn't be just now coming to the conclusions I have come to this week. Also, the fact that I will be turning 50 in a little more than two weeks really has me pondering my life.  All the choices I have made, all the time I have wasted.  It's almost surreal to be so close to half a century old and yet not feel like that inside. 

I am blessed to have great genes so that I don't look my age, which I love since I do not feel anywhere near that age.  As my oldest Andrea would say, I act like a teenager... I like to think I act a little more like I'm in my twenties... but she's right I definitely don't act my age, nor do I want to... I see women my age or a little older and I think why are you letting yourself go?  Is it really all that much effort to color your hair, put a little make up on, find a cute outfit...?  I don't even do this for a man... there is no man in my life and I find it hard to believe there ever will be, I do this for me... I don't want to give into my age and say oh well, who cares what I look like, I care... I like to look my best.

Anyway, I am going to lie down, take a nap and ponder what I learned today... Just because I am not important to someone as much as they were to me... doesn't mean I am not important... It just hurts learning the truth and having nothing I can hide it with...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Other-Worth or Self-Worth

"Self-worth cannot be verified by others. You are worthy because you say it is so. If you depend on others for your value it is other-worth."

- Dr Wayne W. Dyer

I was reading through some of my emails from The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp and I came across this quote above by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, I remember seeing him on a PBS special a couple of years ago... I was so taken with the program that I had to go out and buy his book. There are so many common sense items in it, things that we know but sometimes we turn them around to sound better but we change the meaning, he states the meaning clearly...

This quote touched me as I have had a few self doubts about myself lately and I kept looking for someone or something to take away the doubts I have been having.... when really it is all up to me, if I say I am worthy, I am.  This seems like such an easy concept when you hear it but for me it's difficult because I have to accept that I can do something about the way I feel.  There in lies my issue, I self evaluate myself continually looking for someone to show me or tell me that I am of worth... 

Mainly I have done this, looked to others to validate my worthiness because I felt that it was others that took it away from me to begin with... Just because Ruth my ex step mother did everything she could within her power to destroy my worth, doesn't mean she was right about me.  What it means is that she herself lacked any self worth of her own and instead of making herself a better person, she did everything she could to drag me to her level.

Unfortunately some people never see their worth and what they really could be capable of, they continue to lay the blame from their past experiences in the present.  I can say this because I was raised by her and I did not raise my children the same way... I'm not a perfect mother... who is... but I do know that destroying a child's self worth in themselves will do absolutely nothing to make me feel better.  In fact it would only lower my self worth.

I am not saying that it is easy to overcome how we were raised , on the contrary... I think it is hard work.   However; I think it is work that is worth doing, otherwise she and people like her succeed in pulling me down to their level.   My self worth doesn't come from what Ruth tried to instill in me, nor does it come from anyone else... It comes from me. When I remember that, I know that I have to do something to change my circumstances if I want my feelings to change.

Remember that challenge I said I would have to deal with... it is fast approaching... I have tried to side step it, ignore it and just plain defy it... It's not going away, it's one of those challenges that I am going to have to do something about ... I also know that until I do acknowledge it, it will control me and my emotions.  Some decisions are hard to accept, others are beyond what I think I am capable of  handling.  This quote reminded me that I alone make the decision of my self worth and the way that I deal with this up coming challenge will really show me what I am made of.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Why Am I Never Enough?

Today was one of those days, it's raining a lot here and my mood was matching the weather... I had a mini melt down at work (not work related)... I ended up leaving so that I wouldn't make a total fool of myself since I started to cry and I didn't stop for a few hours... not that I cried the whole time but I was highly emotional for close to four hours...

I started beating myself up and I wasn't able to get control of it... I am glad I left work, I needed to just be home where I could cry it out and blog.  So, I sit here trying to analyze myself, wondering what it is about me that makes it so hard for someone to love me?  I question myself and think... is it because I am too fat?... I am a big girl... is it because of my scars?  Am I too much of myself? (I can be overwhelming with my emotions)...

When I start questioning these thoughts, I realize that I have very little self esteem...  Every time I think I have gained some self worth, a day like this happens and takes all that I have worked for away... It then feels like I have to start from scratch all over again... It is exhausting to continually build myself back up... but my tenacity doesn't allow me to quit.  It keeps pushing me to keep working at it, keep trying...

I think the thing that irks me the most is when someone tells me how strong I am...  I am but it bothers me to hear it sometimes... just because I have days like this, days where I paint a smile on my face and I act the part, where I hide everything inside.  But because I do that... I end up with a day like this, where I lose control and cry.  Which makes me realize that I have to start letting it out a little at a time... otherwise I will have another one of these days.

My mom told me that until the time I was six years old that I had tons of self confidence, I had lots of play mates and that I didn't get upset if children were mean to me about my scars... my mother taught me love... I remember a time that I was taking the school bus home and I decided not to get off the bus at my stop, instead I went to my friends for lunch.  My mother was frantic, the girls parents called my mom and I was returned home where my mother instantly hugged me.  I could tell she was worried but I also felt that she wasn't angry at me, I felt loved.

Unfortunately I didn't get to live with my mother, I ended up living with my father after my parents separated and he decided to live with my psycho ex step mother Ruth.  Where we lived in fear basically, my sister Shelly accidentally broke an elastic band and she was beat for that, she was five years old.  We always sat on pins and needles wondering when her hand would just fly out and whack one of us in the head.  Unbelievable that anyone would do this to a child.... destroying their self esteem.... 

I don't have these feelings of low self worth every day... most days I am very upbeat... It's like I get hit with a challenge.. which I don't handle very well immediately, then I start questioning everything about myself.. I start to think I must not be enough.  This whole process frustrates me, I wish I could stop the doubts about my self worth.  I know I am a good, kind, forgiving, caring, loving person... I have lots of flaws too but everyone does... Some days though I always return to the question... Why am I never enough?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Listen, You Are Beautiful

This is going to be a quick post, it has been a very long day... I had the VON come in to look at my skin graft, Cindy came down with Valentina, a dear friend came over to help me clean up a little and another brought me dinner.  I haven't really rested today, so my body is taking over and telling me... get some rest.

I just wanted to touch base and tell everyone, I am so catching up on all my blogs still, it is almost 3 weeks worth.  Where my computer is situated it is difficult for me to sit too long to type.  So, I need to lay up on my bed and just relax for a while.

I am a little disappointed with myself, although I know I am only human... I expect so much more from myself...  I have been allowing stress to take our my life, I have been pushing myself a little too much and I really need to listen to my body.

I read this quote above after having an interesting experience today... which reminded me of the incident... I ran to the washroom to brush my teeth, when I looked in the mirror, I had no make-up, my hair was in a high pony tail and I was still in my nighty... but I really looked at myself and thought... I am pretty... I don't always think this of myself... I am often critical.  I really looked at myself though, I have nice shaped eyes, I have great lips, full and shaped like a bow and I have wonderful hair, long and thick... Usually I have to have my hair done and make up on and all dressed up to see myself this way.  Today though... I what I saw was beautiful to me.  We all need to do that once and a while, really look at ourselves and love ourselves.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Your Own Self Rejection Is Turning People Away

I heard this phrase the other day 'Your own self rejection is turning people away'.... I was incredibly  struck by it, every time I think the least bit negative of some body part or quirky quality I have, I am turning people away.  WOW, I have seriously done this all my life.  I know that I have become more positive about what I deserve but I constantly have self doubt about my looks, not that I think I am ugly... I'm not... I am just a heavy girl.  This phrase made me realize that since I was rejecting my own body daily that I was turning people away from loving me.

So I have been thinking that I really need to do is love those things I have disliked about myself. I know when I focus on the great things about myself, they seem to stand out.  I have fabulous hair, really amazing... I have been very blessed, my hair is long, thick and soft... it only becomes more beautiful since I like it so much.

 

This reminded me that I have changed things about myself that I didn't like before such as I was SO shy.  I could barely talk to anyone unless you were family or a good friend.  When I was 25 years old, I decided enough was enough... I just started conversations with anyone.... it was hard and scary but I started telling myself that I was good at this, I was comfortable with this and one day I realized I was good at it.

I stopped disliking that shy quality I had, it had held me back for many years.  Job hunting was difficult when I had very little self confidence that I could handle speaking in the interview.  Now I ace interviews, love interviews.... I am really comfortable in them.  If I have a strong desire to get a certain job, all I need is the chance to have an interview and then the job is mine.

I never would have gained that great quality if I hadn't decided to love myself and open myself up for new experiences. I'm doing that again now... I have a date set for my operation, it is going to be January 31st, I'm finally getting the opportunity to have my leg healed after 11 years.  I am going to take the time to heal and relax.

I am grateful that I am having this chance, I am lucky that I am where I am at this moment because I have people that are going to be there for me, dropping by, checking in on me.  I am sure I won't be lonely for company.  I will get to read and catch up on my writing.

That little phrase 'Your own self rejection is turning people away' has really made me think about how I am projecting myself out in the world.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Words Can Break You

I've never considered myself beautiful, interesting sometimes but never beautiful.  How could I be when I've been damaged on the inside and out?  I thought I had overcome that with my "D" but I only internalized it.  How?  How do I overcome all those nasty words I've been told?  How do I believe that my scars don't stop people from loving me?  Everything has come to the surface and made me beyond emotional, since I can't talk to my "D". 

It boggles my mind when I see people that have so much self esteem and they never let words get them down.  How do they do that?  How do they believe in themselves so much?   I know we all have our own challenges to bear, sometimes I think mine are too much and then I read a blog from someone who amazes me with what they've come through.  Yet, there are times I feel so small and insignificant, no matter what I do.

I've just lost so much and not being able to talk with David right now has brought up all my losses and the thought makes me so sad.  I know life is about change and challenges but does it have to entail so much loss? 

Back to what I said in the beginning, I've never thought of myself as beautiful but I do know that I bore two beautiful children, so maybe I would have been beautiful without the fire and without the nasty words from Ruth (my ex-step mother) and Andrey (my ex).

My mother said I was strong about my scars when I was little, so maybe it's all the nasty words that were said over the years.  That old saying of "sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me".  That is a lie, words hurt more than physical pain, it damages your inside.

We all need to be extra careful of the words we say to each other, mostly we need to stop judging each other, for no one knows what another person has or is going through in their lives.

My thoughts and prayers are with my "D's" son Christopher, who needs all the prayers he can use.  I am praying non-stop for my David and his whole family.  Maybe if I center my thoughts on someone else other than me, I will be able to heal myself little by little.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Self Image

I read a great blog last night about self image, I was so touched by it, it made me cry and really think.  She is a little over weight but has a fabulous shape yet she self loathes because of her eating habits. It made me really look at my eating habits.  When I was on my 30 day cleanse, I ate so wonderfully and truly enjoyed it.  For the past month I've not been eating as well.  Also the post brought up issues about whether I have actually come to accept myself or if I'm self loathing at times.  What I'm going to write now is not anything I've been told or even implied recently, it's my thoughts. 

After Andrey raped me and he had degraded me over and over for years. To the point where part of me started to believe him, the one where I'm too old, ugly, fat and disgusting; who would want me?  A year after the rape, I was so unhappy and empty that I tried to fill myself up with men.  Wasn't Andrey wrong?  There were men who wanted me, they became my high, one was not enough, I had to have more. Most of these men were beautiful and they wanted me.  As time went on, I came to realize through counseling and my own moral values, that this behavior would not bring me any lasting happiness.

It all came to a head when David and I reconnected in November, when it actually looked like we were going to see each other after 22 years.  I became nervous, I made David get on Skype to see me, I did a couple of twirls.  I explained I wasn't tiny, he said not to worry, he wasn't tiny and he told me over and over I was beautiful.  My weight was not my only issue, the scars that I have on my body from being burned in the fire, caused me some fear and I don't know why, they never did before.  I'm a woman that knows how to dress my body to look at its optimum, I am curvy. I wear clothes that fit but are not extremely tight but definitely no big sweatshirts.  I know how to dress my assets.  That was not my concern, it was having David see me otherwise.  It had been 12 years since I had allowed anyone to see me that way.

 I was nervous but as David said we have all changed over the years and that I was beautiful to him on the outside because I was so beautiful on the inside.  I started to relax and be comfortable in my own skin. Everything was wonderful between us, we connected closer than I had with anyone in my life.  Then he left after the new year and when we talked after he got home, he told me that he still had feelings for his ex.  I was heart broken but we are still so close, so connected.  Then last month he said he was trying to move on from his ex and it wasn't going to be with me, he felt we both needed to move on.  Maybe my body was the issue all along.  He's never said that, he's always said I was beautiful. What is wrong with me? 

That's the first thing I thought and that is when I started eating poorly again. Hmmm, it took that blog to show me, I had started feeling empty again and instead of filling it up with good things, I tried food.  It's not making me happy, I haven't told David what I thought, I need to say it to him even if it's not true, I need to be able to say how I'm feeling.  He is my best friend, he wouldn't want me to hold it in.  It's just his life is so busy with his new position and his course. 

If I'm ever to heal, I need to be honest and bring this out into the light.  Otherwise I'll eat back the 44 lbs I lost and more on top of it, I've already ate 4 lbs back, I need to get control of it.   Why is my self image so wrapped up in what other people think?  I thought I had cleared that hurdle.  Sad to say I haven't.  Before anyone thinks for one minute that I don't see or feel my blessings they would be wrong.  Also as I have stated above, David has never said or implied anything like this, he's told me often that I'm beautiful and wonderful.

I'm sure when I tell him what I've been feeling, he'll be sad for me that I felt that but he won't poo poo it away with words.  He'll want me to feel about myself the way that he really feels towards me.  That is that I'm smart and beautiful inside and out and that I deserve only the best.  I hope all that will be enough for me, the insecure me.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield