Random Thoughts

I have been having a difficult time sleeping lately, a lot of it is the heat but I do think there are other factors at play.  I am getting close to my birthday which I was so excited about until the past day or so. I just don't even want to think about spending my birthday alone this year.  I don't how to make it different, I thought one thing only to find out another. This whole week has been off for me, I just cannot believe that I have allowed myself to feel this way again.

This week brought back strong memories of all the hurtful things my ex used to say to me over and over. He actually told me that I was, old, fat, ugly and disgusting.  Such hurtful words that I allowed to shape me. I want to change those words in my head and never think of them again. Unfortunately last week brought the memories up so strongly when I put myself out there and it didn't work out. It really is not the greatest feeling, pretty hard to handle but I am hoping I will grow from it and not let it bring me down.

Well I have had a lot of time to think and wonder how to move on, still not sure but I do know that I want to move on.  I don't want to allow myself to go back to difficult place I was at, not so long ago. I am stronger than I think I am, I will overcome and I will grow stronger because of it.

The Truth Is Painful

I realized that always knowing is not always the best.  The truth can be very painful, what the alternative is worse. I don't want to do what I have always done in the past, which is eat to cover it.   I just don't know if I can handle how deep this pain feels. I want to be able to get past it so that I don't let it destroy me. I have only ever let one other person do that to me and I promised myself that I would never be hurt that bad again. Well, I was wrong, I somewhere diverted from my plan and now I have to deal with the repercussions.

I just thought there would be a way, if I could just have a chance, I could prove what I know.  No chance was given so now I cannot prove what I know. Thinking about where I have come from and how on this same matter, I always return to the beginning, it's like I have not learned my lesson.

I thought it was painful the first time around, this one is pretty deep.  I guess I will just have to cry whenever I feel like it, maybe I can move on if I feel. I just wish that I had a chance.

So, as painful as the truth is, I guess I will feel it so that I don't eat it, I guess I have learned something, even though I'm without what I have always wanted.

Serious Thinking

I had an odd night last night, I tried to connect with someone last night and I did it in a way that is not me. So I realized that although I feel great about myself and all the fantastic changes in my life, I am still very vunerable when it comes to being attracted to someone. I still have that imbeded thought that a man couldn't possibly love me, all he wants is something physical. So, I figured out that I still have work to do.

I love me, I am a good, kind, loving, funny person, I am finally starting to believe it, so honestly I deserve the whole thing, not just pieces. Hmmm, that means I have to act like the woman that I am and let myself shine through. I am interesting, I can talk about anything, I can listen, I have empathy, I have all kinds of different interests. I am not afraid of change, it is the only way we grow.

I also realized that I am not in love but I do have feelings, strong feelings. You cannot be in love with someone if they are not in love with you. So, no matter what road we travel, if it is not the same path, I would still want to remain friends with that person. When I like someone, I really take an interest in them. That is just me, if I have no interest in you, you are no where near my life.

I had a friend who I loved for over 20 years but when push came to shove, he let me down in a way that no one in my life has ever done. I held on until about a month ago and I removed him completely from my life. He once told me that he would always have the ability to contact me, well now he can't. You don't treat your friends like that. You stand by your friends, especially when they have had experiences beyond what they thought they could handle. He just abandoned me, left me to deal with my pain. I totally became someone that I didn't even know. I am so glad that I got a handle on that. I had to rid my life of toxic things and toxic people.

I have honestly never felt better... my life is really very good, I have a cute place, especially when it is clean;) I have a great job with so much potential, I have two beautiful children, who are amazing and keep me centred and I have a lot of friends, thank goodness I am not a shy person, I remember as a teenager and in my early 20's, I was very shy but then I just changed that. I am glad I did, my friends have helped me out so much throughout my life and I want to return the favor to all of them.

Well have to work, hoping I always remember as I know right here and now, I deserve to be loved, everyone does. We are all special in our own way, we touch each others lives in ways we don't even know. I am just grateful that it happens.

Having an aha moment

Today I had another aha moment, I have been reading and studying the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth.  I had a moment almost two months ago and immediately changed how I ate. I don't deprive myself of food, I really think about what I am eating. I make a conscious choice to listen to myself and put myself first. I used to say, I don't have time to eat breakfast, I make time now.  I never took a lunch but then I would buy junk food to eat, now I take lots of vegetables and fruit so that I never even think of buying junk.

Lately though, I have been wondering how I could  be eating so healthy, so thoughtfully and still not losing any weight. Today I realized that it was because I have tortured my body for so many years by never listening to it, by depriving it of food or gorging beyond belief. I understood that my body is not believing me because I have never listened to it in the past but I know that the weight loss can not be denied as my body will catch up with my mind and the weight loss will happen.  My body will believe what I know what my mind already knows.

I also want to teach my children differently, especially my youngest daughter at home, I know that I have to set the example before she will ever learn it. I have to show her that food is not love and that if she really is to love herself, she will listen to what her body wants and she will deal with the pain without shoving it down with food.

I am so incredibly grateful that I have been open to the message and that I have continued to be open to each message that meant to help guide me to be the best me.

My birthday wish

The older I get, the less that I want things for my birthday, the more that I want relationships to be happy and fulfilling. The truth is that you cannot take things with you when you die but the love you feel for someone is always in your heart.

So, for my birthday wish this year, I want someone special to realize how wonderful they are and I want them to know how special I am too.  We would be amazing together if we just took the chance.  I believe enough for the two of us;)

Oh and honestly, I could care less what other people think of who I care for, it is not their life and they don't make decisions for me.  I make my own decisions. Too bad I wasted so much of my life caring what other people think but atleast I finally got it and didn't waste my whole life being that way:)

I have learned to love myself which I know will help other people to love me too, for no one can love you enough if you don't love yourself first. You attract what you give out, that is why I know that I can attract what I want in my life and now the sky in the limit.  I only want the best now, nothing second rate, just the person that I love:)