A Defining Moment

I'm glad that I have my plan, for me.  I need to focus on all the good things I have in my life.  Becoming healthy will be fabulous for me, I know the running club will be challenging for me but I'm up for it, excited even.  It looks like I will be starting August 15 when I get my bonus.  I need the money to pay for the running club and the yoga class I want to take.  Also I will be able to stock my cupboards with good food.

I've been up since 2:30 am, I got caught up on my blogs and I did 3 loads of laundry.  At least I accomplished something.  Off to work, still not my best but I have to keep moving.  Well my day has ended off pretty sad, I need to take a little time and take stock in my life, figure out where I am at and where I am going.  At the moment, I feel sick inside with no end it sight... some pain we are given to deal with ends up being much more than we ever thought we could handle.

If only I had known that the last time I hugged and kissed you that it would be the last time, I never would have let you go.  I guess that's why it's best we don't know it will be the last time.  It's funny but I remember that night and how I wanted to hold you just a little longer but you had to go.   I shouldn't listen to sad songs, they only make me more melancholy, as if I need any help in this department. 

It still remains to see if I am strong enough, as everyone says I am... the true test starts here and now.  Today is a defining moment for me, a challenge that I was hoping I would never have to face.  Right now I feel so weak, I could just go to bed, pull the covers up over my head and stay there... but I can't do that, I have Valentina, my job, I need to find a way to survive this challenge.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I'm Going On A Journey

Today I thought I need to change some things in my life, some big things, some small things.  This got me thinking how I need to go on a journey, one of myself. I have decided that dating is off the table for me for at least one year.  One year of not even thinking about it, not trying to engage in it.  I am just going to be with myself this year.  I am going to get to know myself better in that I am going to try to figure out what makes me, me? 

I'm going back to the beginning, the first memories I had with my mom, then onward through the years of Ruth.... I want to see if I can find the moment in my past that I felt I didn't deserve to be loved?  When did that happen?  It certainly shaped me, allowed me to accept less as I felt I only deserved less. 

I am hoping this journey will finally give me a small understanding as why I have accepted so little and expected even less.  I am thankful my oldest Andrea did not take on that weakness of mine, I am hoping Valentina will not, this time I am taking the time to really figure out why I behave the way that I do.

I know I have overcome a lot of challenges in my life and became better because of them but there are weaknesses inside of me that I really want to change and I think I won't be able to make those changes until I can figure out what it is that had me thinking so little of myself.

Along this journey, I have also decided to finally do something about my weight, first I am going to look into getting into a running club, I am just going to make the time.  I think it will be therapeutic for me and it will help me to feel stronger so I can start doing even more things I thought I would or could never do.

My eating habits have become lazy lately... really unbearable for me when I was eating so very healthy for 6 months and then I just let it go.  So now I am thinking of doing a 30 day cleanse again.  I am also going to get into a yoga class to teach myself to breathe, this next year I am taking care of myself.

I have chosen Monday August the 6th as the day I start.  I will have time to research the yoga and running club places and I will be able to get my kitchen ready.  I am going to measure and weigh myself and I will start keeping up with this on a weekly basis.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

The Point Is To Be Happy

I have to laugh or at least chuckle when I get an ah ha moment, sometimes when they happen, I wonder what took me so long?  This week I have been getting small ah ha moments and then I got a big one last night.  I have been wanting some answers so that I could grow, move on, become a better me.  I finally asked my questions, not really expecting the answer that I wanted. 

The answer came, it was short, to the point... kind of disappointing that there wasn't more of an explanation.   Sometimes we have to take it for what it was and just move ahead.  Staying where I am is not conducive to my happiness and I really like being happy.  I love the feeling, smiling, excited; I don't want to lose that feeling, so I have to progress.

I have this need to not regret a decision so I stay in a spot longer than I should.  The big answer came, I can't hold on to the past, it's time to go on.  I really learned a lesson though, I have always wanted my life to go a certain way.... I now realize it was always meant to be another way.  I fought against it for most of my life because I refused to realize that what I really needed was to be happy with myself. 

I am now, happy with myself... why I took so long I will never know.  I always felt like I needed someone to complete me, when no one can do that for us.  Only we can do that for ourselves.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

When Will We Feel We Are Enough?

I wish...   maybe there's a better word...   wishing doesn't get me what I want.  Wishing only leaves me in the past, living with "What ifs?" and "If onlys".

I guess I would like to understand why my two sisters and I have had such a hard time making relationships last.  It had to come from being raised in a dysfunctional family, although who hasn't?   The three of us grew up feeling unloved and unwanted, in a way we have abandonment issues from our mother not being there for 9-10 years of our lives, so we looked for love from the world and all the wrong places.

I also think we lacked self worth, feeling somehow we'd be lucky to find someone.  We are three strong individual women, we all worked hard to be where we are today.  I think we were in the pick me, love me group, never feeling worthy.  Choosing men that couldn't or wouldn't love us, I guess that we did this so that we could say "see I was right, I'm not enough". 

I've come far past that point, I am enough, my sisters are enough.    I am worthy of having someone love me.   Funny now that I really know that, I don't want it anymore.  I'd only want it if it were with my "D", otherwise it's way too much work, especially when you have to figure out if your compatible.

Being single isn't so terrible, especially since I understand my self worth so much better.  It's just sad that it took far too long for me to discover that I am worth it, even when I am having a rough day, I will always try to remember that. 

I'm thinking of writing a few letters to my younger self, I've heard it's very therapeutic.  I know blogging is that way for me, I am able to get some of my frustrations out by writing and then I eventually let it go.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Keeping It Safe

I had my blog written for yesterday but I didn't get it out until this morning.  Instead I felt compelled to write a long letter to my "D".  He's on vacation, away for a couple of days so I'm not able to talk with him, I had something I desperately needed to talk about with him.  We can talk about anything at anytime but sometimes things are better when you take the time to organize your thoughts.

I even thought about writing it by hand but I knew I would never keep up with the thoughts in my head.  They we coming fast and furious, I could barely type fast enough.  It was one of those letters that was raw and emotional, I laid everything out; I sobbed uncontrollably.  I'm okay, I just needed to write my feelings down, I felt better.

I'm really grateful that I had that time at Christmas with David, I had a wish fulfilled; one I never thought I had a chance to have.  Regardless of how it all worked out for now, I was the happiest I have ever been.  The hard part of this is that usually when two people break up or don't workout, there's a reason.

I can list off all the reasons my past relationships have ended, with David I can't give one reason. There was no definitive answer, no big fights (no arguments at all), complete respect, no judging.  He got me when no one else did, I got him too; he's quirky like me.  There is little chance for me to move on until I can understand what went wrong? 

Maybe there are no answers but then I will be stuck in limbo, figuring out how to move forward.  Not sure if it's possible with all the questions I have unanswered.  At least I'm in a much better place than I've been for the past 7 months, there were days I was unsure if I could get up and go to work.  Simple tasks were unbearable and the crying was out of control.

I finally don't cry for no reason and it's nothing extended.  Which is a good sign but I still don't want to move ahead.  If moving ahead is dating other people, I highly doubt I'll be able to take the next step.  Someone would have to be incredible and deserving of me, making me want to open the locked safe I've put my heart in.  I'm trying so hard to protect my broken, injured heart... 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Where Our Thoughts Go We Follow

Where our thoughts go, we follow! Thoughts are the hardest things to control, we seem to just let them go in any direction they please.  I have seen when I'm in tune with what I want and how my daydreams, thoughts give me my desires when I focus.  It's me that gives up, has fears and fails. 

If we really knew how powerful our dreams and thoughts were, we  might be more careful about what we think about or we might open up the whole way. 

When David and I looked like we were actually going to get together, I didn't have a dream that it could or would go further.  I didn't believe in us enough, I actually thought I was incredibly lucky that he was even interested in me... That was my thought, what did the Universe give me?  Exactly what I thought. 

Over the past 7 months, I've grown and I have come to believe that David was just as lucky to have me.  I've learned of my self worth a lot in the recent past and I've even told David that he gave up the best woman for him ~ me!   He will never find anyone who loves, cares about him and who will be completely honest with him.  He'll never have anyone he can be himself with totally; that is so very rare to find. 

David tells me often that I'm a wonderful woman, I tell him, I'm amazing and don't forget it.  I know there is a reason that it all went this way but I do wish sometimes that I'd have had more confidence in myself.  I feel that hindered me because there definitely were no issues in our relationship. 

We are super close, totally honest and open with each other, no matter what, we respect each other, don't judge each other and we don't argue with each other.  You can't ask for much more.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Take 7 Minutes A Day For Yourself To Daydream

I know more now than ever that I was meant to post this blog, every time I think I'm ready; something comes up to make me doubt that inspiration that I had.  The closer I got to blogging it, things would come up like:  you don't have the Facebook page prepared.  Look at your life it's chaotic.  This isn't about me though, this is something I was touched and inspired by.

A month ago I was reading "The Power" by Rhonda Byrne and one of the things she advised was that we take 7 minutes a day to just be with ourselves. I'm taking it one step further and saying why don't we take 7 minutes and allow ourselves to daydream about whatever we want.

I am hoping we all feel like we deserve that 7 minutes a day for ourselves.  I also know how hard it is to focus without letting our mind wander, I have been studying up on yoga lately, I really am attempting to center myself for the 7 minutes each day.  A lot of the time I have actually taken more time, depending on how inspired the daydream is.

I think we all need to take this time to really think and dream about what we want because the more we focus on what we want and have the happier we'll be. The happier we are the more love we can give out.  Although I don't think there is anything wrong is dreaming of living comfortably, my daydreams are more about ideas.

What I'm hoping is that each of us takes this 7 minutes a day for ourselves, there is nothing wrong in taking a little time for ourselves.  What I know will happen because it has happened to me, when I focus on a daydream, I find a way to incorporate it into my life.  For example, I want to lose weight, so I have been daydreaming of what it would feel like to be healthy, then I have been reading blogs about runners, I bought a really nice pair of Nike running shoes.  I am inspired to at least try this now... I want to prove to myself that I can do this.

I'm going to be designing a Facebook page for this and I am also going to create a tag line that will be a part of my blog each day.  I am hoping this will inspire all of us and that we will want to inspire other people so that they can see that it is possible to have the daydreams we dream about.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Nudges From The Universe

I have to tell you all something funny, if you read my blog you'll know that I have been talking about an inspirational incident that happened to me recently. The 'incident' changed my attitude and mood.

Up until Sunday I had not cried for no reason for about a month but Saturday night I had maybe an hour and a half of sleep so on Sunday I was rather weepy.  I desperately wanted to have control on Sunday but that was not to be.  On top of what I was going through, I was incredibly moved by the many blogs I read.  I love all the authenticity of the those blogs.

Anyway back to the funny story, I keep getting little pushes from the Universe and I keep using the excuse that I want it to be perfect.  I have to forget about perfection as none of us are perfect. So I will put two posts up tonight.

I also wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading all your blogs, it was great to catch up with every one.  So I had a great relaxing birthday yesterday and I got to talk to my "D", he made me laugh so hard and I smiled so much my cheeks hurt (in a good way).  

A quick thing about what I'm posting next, I guess I was fearful that people would laugh or just go ah ha...   I keep getting nudges, from things I read, shows I watch, music I listen to.  I'd say I'm being told something and that I better listen up :)

I thought I would just feel something and do it but no, this proved that I was thinking about myself and how it would affect me. The good thing I remembered is that this inspirational moment was just that and it has left me feeling great, with the desire to share the way I feel.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

The Whole Picture

Tomorrow's my birthday and truthfully I wish I was spending it with someone special, only one person could fulfill that wish and he's too far away... for now...  Most people don't like their birthdays as it means we're getting older.  I actually have started enjoying mine more as each year reminds me of how important and fleeting life is, it makes me sit back, reflect and appreciate where I'm at in my life.

I've come so far, much further than I ever though I could.  Which makes me know that anything and I do mean anything is possible.  If I can overcome all the negative thing in my past (and there have been many things), anything is possible.  I don't say that easily, I know there are many people who have had to and are now dealing with things that seem unbearable.  I'm not making light of those things.

I'm just saying that life has thrown me some major curves, the kind that would break most people, life can bend me and twist me but it'll never break me. Everyone says I'm strong, especially my David and although sometimes I don't want to be strong, I'm ultimately grateful that I am. 

There has to come a time in everyone's life when we decide that no matter what happens, we're not giving up.  That time for me is now, I see the big picture, not the small one that is here right now.  The long term big picture where life is sweeter than anything I've ever dreamed.   It's available to all of us, we just have to believe and hold on because life is meant to enjoy and have joy.

 I had another set back tonight, I could have literally fallen apart but nothing is written in stone, things could change, the future hasn't been written yet. I refuse to allow myself to be sad just because life throws me a curve.  I won't just survive this, I will thrive and become stronger.

At this rate, with all my set backs, disappointments... I should be the strongest person ever.  All I can say is wow... one day I will look back on all of this and smile... there is a reason.   I even think I know the reason, which makes this set back easier... not simple, just easier.  I can see the whole picture, which makes it easier to stay on track and not let go... just because.....

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Freedom To Be And Breathe

I've been in a fog with my CPA course, finally done, a respectable 72%, if not the best mark, I think I did okay with everything that was going on with my life.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe.  I'm taking 6 weeks to spend lots of time with Valentina and calling Andrea often.  I may take an accounting course in the fall,  I like accounting though:).  I also want to get caught up with my blog friends and their blogs.

I noticed today that I have over 100 followers, thank you everyone; that's a huge milestone for a personal blog.  I am really touched that so many people read and follow my blog.

Also, I really want to thank Dana for posting about how to get social media buttons on your blog, she sent me to a blog called Greatfun4kids that had it spelled out so easy, even I could make them.  They look so pretty across the top of my blog.  As well, I wanted to thank Rhodora for explaining how to add 'you may also like these links'.  Next I'm doing a full blog revamp, I'm not all that technical but I hope it turns out pretty.

This weekend I'm tweaking the inspiring blog I had and getting it posted soon.  It has really touched me, I have lots of ideas.  I did want to have everything created at the same time but I think I will just get the blog out, then create the Facebook page and work from there.

It's interesting that one thing can change your whole life on a dime.  I've had some life changing moments and they are becoming awesome even though they were difficult.  It's not easy to go through the refining process even when it ultimately makes us much better people.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Only I Was Holding Myself Back

First and foremost, I want to send out a great big happy birthday to my beautiful, handsome grandson Jackson, it was his birthday yesterday, he was one.  I really wish I could have been there to see him eat his cupcake, he looked like he really enjoyed it though.

Being your authentic self is the ultimate secret to happiness in life. ~ Sheri Fink

The older I get the more I understand the quote above.  Trying to be anyone else but yourself is exhausting, believe me I've tried it.  The more I've become myself the happier I am.  I even understand the pain from the past 7 months, I was sure there could be no better answer than that I must have done something to deserve it. 

What that something was I couldn't imagine?  I mean my heart was being ripped out every other day.  I finally realized that I was allowing that.  Do I still love David, yes, the answer is yes.  I have to be happy with or without him, I can't put my happiness on another persons shoulders.  I can fill myself up, I just want to give unconditional love. 

That was a hard realization to come to, knowing that I was allowing myself to feel sad.  Maybe I unconsciously don't feel like I deserve to feel happy but I do, I do deserve to feel good. 

I'm excited for getting through this CPA soon, I am looking forward to spending more time with Valentina and calling Andrea and chatting with all my family and friends.  Then spending time revamping my blog but mostly I'm thrilled that I'll be able to just breathe.

I also have that one post I wrote that has truly inspired me to get me to where I am today.  I don't know if it will help anyone else but I really hope it does.  It's helped me to get to new understandings.

Off to take my exam in about an hour, I am really looking forward to catching up on all your blogs, I have really missed how everyone is...  from Susanna, Maarit, Marta, Charlotte, Joy, Suzanne, Jaqueline, Petro, Lydianna, Lynnie... there are so many more (I wish I could remember everyone), I love checking in to see how everyone is doing and what I can learn today.  You have all inspired me, it's the reason I follow your blogs.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

We Are Capable Of So Much More

What are we capable of?  Why are we so sure we know what we ourselves are capable of?   We expect the least amount from ourselves, we say it's too hard, too long and haven't we failed many times before??

How about we live up to our potential and prove to ourselves that for once we deserve to believe in ourselves.  I'll take the giant leap first, I believe we all deserve to succeed just as much as the next person.

What are you truly capable of if you really believe in yourself?  Can you lose the weight you need to lose?  Can you get the job you want?   What is it that you want?  I believe in myself, I've seen that I would be close to succeeding then I would do something to expect less, then I would get less.

It all comes back to getting exactly what you expect.  I have not expected to get the fairytale ending... hence I have not attained it.  After last week, I really started to believe that the fairytale ending can and will happen for me.  Then I heard one thing that made it very possible and then a second thing that made it even more possible.  It is only a matter of time, all I ever had to do was believe.

I probably won't be posting until late Thursday or early Friday.  I'm going to spend the next few days studying for my CPA course.  It depends on how motivated I am to blog with all the studying I have to do.  I can't wait to be free from this CPA course, then I can concentrate on my blog.  Plus I can hardly wait to catch up on other peoples blogs. I miss so many of you guys, I cannot even just name a few, I think there is at least 50 blogs that I follow regularly and another 15-20 that are sporadic.  I am excited to see how everyone is doing.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

I Don't Know How To Love Less Than I Feel

 I just had a very clear memory last night of a daydream that I had four years ago.   I had just looked David up on Facebook and we reconnected quickly, it was like we had always been friends.  It didn't seem like we hadn't spoken for 20 years.

It was around this time that David had his status on Facebook stating that he was in a complicated relationship.  I started having dreams or fantasies that David would come home for a visit to Halifax and he and I would reconnect.  Fall in love, I had that dream/fantasy for nearly 4 years and then it came true.  I am really beginning to imagine how much better it could have been if I had only believed more in my dreams.

I think I didn't dream big enough though, I needed to want more for myself than what I excepted.  Now that I'm feeling more myself than I have since New Years.  I can say today that I'm really happy. Not that I couldn't be more happy but for now what I have is enough.

I'm just enjoying my life for what it is, learning to live outside my comfort zone.  It's scary out there but that's when I know I really need to be there.  When I remembered that dream, I realized that although I did get what I dreamed for, David was more than I ever could have dreamed of.

It took me until now to realize that I'm worth loving.  I thought when David didn't fulfill the fantasy story book ending, I felt it was because of me.  Now I know I was enough, I wonder now if he feels he's enough?  I can be overpowering when I'm in love.  I realize that I come on too strong, I don't know how to love less than I feel.

I've become more independent and I feel stronger for what I have overcome.  Although I love David with my whole heart, I don't break down in tears every second day.  Breaking up is so awful, especially when two people still love each other.  Still care about each other.

If I can survive my break up with David and still remain friends, I can survive most anything; that was a huge challenge.  One I almost didn't pass. When I dream/fantasize again, it's going to be about how to get to the fairy tale ending.  I am great at getting what I dream for, I lack how to maintain it long term....

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Shifting My Mood

Never stop loving and never stop learning. Both are infinite. ~ Jeannie Stokowski-Bisanti

Yesterday was Friday 13th, no big deal; I'm not superstitious.  It was another gorgeous day in Halifax, Nova Scotia, it has been amazing for the 4th day in a row, apparently it will be like this for another 5 days.  I love summer days like these, it's sunny, warm but not insanely hot.  My air conditioner helps when it does get hot. . .

I'm going to be studying full out for the next 5 days so that I can take my CPA exam on Thursday night next week, then I am done!!!    I will be so happy.  Then my birthday is the following Monday, I've already reminded my David 20 or 30 times, lol. It's a joke between us now. 

Not that I don't expect a gift and a card from him, which I know he'll do.  I'm so grateful my mood has shifted, it feels awesome not to be sad every other day.  I'm healing day by day which is good.  I'm still not ready to date anytime soon, I don't think it's a good idea when I still have feelings for my David.

I'm loving that each day I'm getting up feeling better and more hopeful, after my exam is over I'll share that post I wrote the other day with you; the one I want to tweak to make it as good as possible.  I want to create a Facebook page for it too.  Plus I want to do a major revamp of my blog and make it more streamlined.

There are some really tech savvy people on line, I think I'm going to get some professional help, I want to clean it up and simplify it, so it will be easier to read.  I have some great ideas, I just need someone to help me implement them.

I was so tired last night that I didn't even have the energy to post, I went to bed very early and past out.  I had such a long week with having to learn new things every single day, sometimes I just want to have a day of doing nothing... oh well.  Anyhow, off to study, I won't be posting every day until I take my CPA exam, I think I should start studying on the bus too:) 

I can't wait until next weekend when I can read all your blogs and comment on all of them.  I really miss reading and keeping up with everyone.  I will get up to date next weekend though:)

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

What's In My Name

I have another blog written but I decided to keep it for a few days, it is something I have felt inspired to blog about but I am still tweaking it right now, I really want to write it the way I was touched by it myself.

So today I decided to talk about where my name comes from, my mother was from Salem Oregon, so she heard a name once which is Polynesian spelled Lajuanna that she wanted to give to one of her daughters. The name was bestowed upon me but my father refused to spell it the way my mother wanted it and he spelled it Louanna. 

Moving forward, apparently I had trouble saying my name and came up with a version that I never liked, I was four years old at the time; so my parents continued to call me by that name until I went to high school.  I decided in grade 9 that when I went to high school I was going with my real name, since I really despised the other name.  So when I went into the guidance councilor I told him, he asked me how I spelled it, I had never seen the correct spelling so I said L-A-U-N-N-A. 

A year later I went to get my SIN and I found out the correct spelling of my name but by this time I was used to spelling it my way so I kept it.  I must say over the years my name has been said every which way possible, so funny.  Most people call me LuLu at work and everyone else learns to say my name which actually sounds like La-Wanna.  I know, I know, I know... lol.   That looks nothing like the way I spell it but I am really fond of how I spell my name now:)

I love my name, apparently it means beautiful flower, which I think is really sweet.  Plus I love the way it sounds when it is said properly, I think it is just a very pretty name and very unique, exactly like me.  I love being unique and quirky, I don't want to be like everybody else which I am grateful I have arrived.


"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Joy In My 40's

 I belong to a number of blogging networks, as most of us do.  Last weekend, one of them called bloggers.com chose mine to be one of the top 3 for that day.  I feel grateful that I was actually chosen out of all the wonderful bloggers that are on that site.  We all want to be recognized for what we do, so that we know and feel we are seen, we matter!

I read a number of blogs and comment regularly, this last week has been tough as I have committed to not commenting through the week, I love reading blogs and commenting but I really do need to spend more time with my children.  Next week after my CPA exam, I'll be free of that stress, so I will be more flexible.  I'm so excited.

I wanted to say something about the blogs I read, I choose to follow ones that give a piece of themselves in their blogs. I love hearing all of their dreams and desires, some of them I have become Facebook friends. We are more alike than we are different in this world.  I follow all ages, a few of the one's I follow are younger women in their early 20's; I feel for them, I remember how confused I was at that age.

It really wasn't until the past 3-5 years that I came into my own (I still have my days).  Because it's been so recent, I haven't forgot how mixed up and out of control I was when I was younger.  I'd love to talk to my younger self to just tell her that everything works out the way it's supposed to and not to worry so much.

Also, the "things" you worry about in your 20's mean nothing to you in your 40's.  Broken hearts mend and we learn to love again.  The biggest lesson I learned was that I needed to forgive people that have hurt me, they were just coming from a lack of love, I don't want to hold on to their lack of love and pain. 

Mostly I've learned to be tolerant and less judgmental.  We all have our stories and baggage that can be difficult to deal with but all of it makes us who we are.  Without some of that baggage we may not have learned some of the lessons we needed to learn.

Also life is all about how we chose to take it.  Believe me I could crawl under the covers and cry non stop if I let myself.  I don't because I don't want sadness to own me forever.  Besides feeling some sadness allows you to feel joy and know the difference.  You appreciate it more.

Miracles Can Happen Every Day

I've been thinking about the decisions I've made in my life.  Some were great, some not so smart; I often wonder where my brain was at times?  Like I've said many times, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't change my past decisions, even for all the foolish mistakes, for I could have missed some of the best times I've had in my life.

I would never change having my children, not even at the age I had them; Andrea at barely 18 and Valentina when I was almost 40.  I do sort of wish that I could have given both my children better fathers.  I was never good at choosing good men.  Thank goodness I have such wonderful strong girls, I've truly been blessed.

There are days like today that I'm finally feeling like I'm healing.  At least it is measured in days and not just hours here and there.  For awhile there I wondered if I'd ever feel better?  My heart was crushed, it's still damaged but I now feel like it won't hurt as much as it has.  I feel like I'm coming back to me.

I've missed me, the happy optimist, I let her go with my self worth.  I allowed myself to feel inadequate, not enough.  Funny thing is, that is the last think David wanted for me.  He loved the optimist and exuberant woman that I was.  That was what drew me to him.

He adored how upbeat I was, he wanted to feel what I was feeling.  Instead of maintaining that feeling, I had allowed myself to feel less then positive, I was drained.  There is nothing wrong with loving someone with you whole heart and soul.  Just as long as you remember who you are and what it was that actually attracted someone to you.  Oh that's right, being myself.

I guess I didn't believe in myself enough and I changed, I didn't keep my positive and happy self. The sun is out today and my mood is in a sunny mood.  There are miracles waiting to happen, I just had to get up and attract them into my life.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield  

Once In Your Life

Soul Mate:  "Someone with whom you can completely be yourself, share unconditional love with and when you look into each others eyes you have the experience of being home."
Once in everyone's life someone comes along who shakes your life up and it's never the same again.  Sometimes it's a good shake up, it makes your life more fun, interesting and exciting.  Other times they are there to make you think about what you are actually doing with you life. This can actually give you a chance to make the changes you might want to make. Either way, we should be grateful for the shake up; it shows us how to deal with changes.

Life is ever changing, we have to decide to go with those changes or we will never truly be happy.  Fear in change will never give you strength; it will only break you.

David is the one who came in to shake my life up; first he showed me I am more than worth being with. Second, it's always good to have the chance to be with someone you had on a pedestal all your life; no one should be up there.  It's not good for you and it's not good for them.  Third, sometimes you have to lose your dream to make it even better then it was.

Although, David shook my life up and in the end left me sadder than I've ever been in my life; I'd never change it.  I'll always be grateful for every moment I had with him; mostly I'm thankful for having the fairy tale and regardless of how it all ends up in the future, I've found my soul mate and best friend.

Some people can never say that; some people never know that kind of love.   I've had the best love in the world and now I've got my best friend.   I can tell him anything and he'll always be there for me.  He can tell me anything and it won't change how I feel about him either.

When people come into your life and shake you up, you might want to say thank you; they are helping you grow.

Have you ever thought that
if one thing hadn't happened,
a whole set of things
never would've either?
Like dominoes,
a single event kicked off
an unstoppable series
of changes that gained
momentum and spun out of control,
and nothing was ever
the same again.
Don't ever doubt that
a mere second can change
your life forever.


"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

How Do I Know It's My Truth?

I heard something this morning that made me really think.  It was how I must have given up on what I wanted because I stopped believing in the truth.  I knew as I know now that I want to be unwavering.  Why did I waiver?  It's like I didn't want to succeed.

I've been praying for many things lately, one thing that I never strayed from, I actually gave up for about a week.  Then lo and behold, I see what happened by my giving up on what I knew should be.  Then I wondered if it has to be like this for me to grow?

Maybe if I were to get my way so easily that I would just settle for less.  The
more I have to pray for something, the stronger I become knowing the path that leads me to my truths.   I was questioning this a lot this week, wondering if I really knew what was right.   I came to the conclusion that I'm even stronger in my belief of where I'm meant to be.

Sometimes it is the hard times where the answer is no for just now.  However; keeping the faith for the future as the answer will not always be no, the future is as I've dreamed it will be.

I think it could have happened sooner but I wasn't ready for it, I'm preparing to be ready at a moments notice.  Any day I could be called to be ready, ready to make a change just like that.   I will be ready for the change when it happens, I will rise to the challenge, the challenge of truth.

I will follow the path I'm meant to be on, follow to wherever it leads!  One day my hearts desire will  lead me home to where I'm meant to be; exactly where I've known all along I should be.   

What is your truth and how can you follow it?   I have to have a strong belief, I have to pray never ending and I have to never give up on what I truly know.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

The Best Reason To Forgive~Freedom

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." ~ Catherine Ponder

What is true freedom, one thing that is most important to me is that I don't judge anyone or hold onto past pain. Yes, even Andrey, my step mother, etc, etc.  I don't want any of these people to have ANY power over me. 

I had this discussion with a friend who didn't understand why people that use and hurt others seem to be getting ahead.  When other people who would not think of using or hurting anyone seems to struggle.  The only thing I could say and mean was 'how happy or proud can that person be, knowing how they had to get ahead'?   I'll be happier in the long run, I almost feel sad for those people, happiness in the moment may be great in the short run but long term happiness is what I'm looking for. 

I want my friend to know that by holding onto resentment or disappointment only keeps you attached to them.  So I wonder if they know that and that is why they are holding on to the resentment.  That's kind of an eye opener; I have done that in my past but in the last few years I really realized that forgiveness was the only way for me to heal.  I just came to a point that I didn't want to hold on to the hurt, I became free.

For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield