Life Is About Doing And Not Portraying

I know it's been awhile since I have written, it's not that I haven't wanted to write, it has been a time issue. I have stepped up my exercise, this month I have over 133 miles logged so far... also, I spoke of strength training the last time I wrote, hopefully I will be starting that this week... I am working on getting together with the lady who will be giving me some pointers. The last thing I want to do is injure myself by doing it incorrectly, so I will be waiting before I start.

Also, my mood has changed a great deal in the past two weeks... it happened almost overnight... I'm not as melancholy as I have been, which isn't to say that I am overly joyous by any means either... I don't know how to even explain my mood... maybe it's come with all the exercising and focus I have put there, maybe I've come to a point of change finally... All I know is that I have not had any major lows but neither have I had any major highs... At the moment, this is what I need ... I have a lot of anniversary dates coming up that I was not sure how I was going to cope with... Today I feel like I will be able to deal with them... 
Since I last wrote, I was able to lose a little over 4 pounds which was great from all the hard work I have put in... I never want the numbers on the scale to rule me, as that is not what my journey is about... it is about becoming healthier and stronger. As I have stated before I will never be really tiny as I don't want to be, I want to be able to be the best me with exercising and eating nutritious food. I want to do what I say ... instead of saying things I wish and then not doing them. Too many people I know say they want to make changes and then never do anything about it, that was me in the past but I no longer want to be like this.

That is when real change happens, when we really decide that we are important enough to put in the effort and time. When I changed my mindset in June 2013, I didn't do it for a week, a month or a year... I changed if for a lifetime. I fail from time to time as I am human but there is a part of me that will and can never go back to the girl I was before I made it important to look after myself physically ... I am grateful that switch was turned on then because I think that if I had not made those changes then, that all the challenges that came not long after would have buried me. 
I have often wondered why I had to deal with all the loss I did... lately I have come to see that it ultimately made me stronger by not relying on others to show me my worth. It has been one of the most difficult lessons I have ever learned in my life but one that I needed to go through. There were so many times that I thought I was not going to make it, that the pain and grief would be too much to take. However; I am getting through each day and I see my own worth which no one can take from me.

I think the biggest lesson I learned these past two years was that no matter how hard someone tried to take me down, they didn't succeed... I was and am stronger than they or I ever thought I was... Although I wondered for a very long time how someone could be so hurtful and still seem to have all that they desired, I came to learn that it just looked like it... I want to live an authentic life, that means I don't want to pretend everything is perfect when it's not... we all have ups and downs and trying to portray anything different ultimately only hurts ourselves...Life is about doing and not portraying....
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Excuses Are Just Fears

I walked away from blogging for the past couple of weeks without saying anything, I wasn't sure that I was leaving; each day I was gone I wasn't sure when I was coming back ... I didn't know what to say. I sporadically commented on a few posts here and there but I didn't spend any significant time reading. I didn't know why until yesterday and then I was so busy that I didn't have a moment to write.

You all know that I am on my journey to be healthy, which to me entails more than just eating healthy and exercising but that is what I have been focused on for the past two months. I rarely if ever went over the calorie limit I had allowed for myself and I have been exercising a lot. In the month of July and August I walked over 190 miles each of those months... Already this month I have 30 miles... yet in 9 weeks I have only lost 9 pounds. I know that it is good that I lost and that slow weight loss is better but it is very hard to handle when I know that what I eat and what I exercise should show much better numbers on the scale.

Yes, I do feel a bit better with my clothing, however; inches are not coming off as easily either. . . So, I reached out to two people and they both gave me sound advise in that I have to change how I am exercising... you see I LOVE cardio, I could walk 6-8 miles a day if I had the time but apparently my body has become used to my exercise even though I have increased it greatly... I am going to watch a few videos and have some one on one training with a friend. 
I was disappointed in myself, I retreated inward and started working out even more... which ultimately didn't help, I even gained a half a pound. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but if you knew how many calories I ate and how many I expended, you might understand why I was frustrated. It was only yesterday that I realized going inward and exercising insanely wasn't helping, I needed to ask for help from people that I know are successful. I have talked about strength training for the past few years, putting in a tiny attempt here and there and coming up with excuse after excuse... I want those excuses gone now... I remember when I first started walking, it was NOT easy but I worked at it...

I have to do the same thing with getting stronger physically because as the saying goes, 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results' (Albert Einstein). My body is great at holding on to weight it thinks it needs... I have to retrain my body in other ways. I also need to say something here, I do not have any desire to be really skinny, slender or small... that isn't me, I love my curves, I am very happy with my body shape, I just know for me to be healthier that I should lose some more of the weight.
 Also, like I alluded to earlier, being healthy is not just losing weight and eating healthy... for me it is coming to terms with things in my life that are affecting how I feel. I honestly know what happiness is and how it feels, I have had that in many times in my life... and I was happy even when things were difficult... I know that happiness comes from within... I have not felt that for nearly 2 years, I want to feel happy again... so I am going to make many changes in the next few months, which of course I will talk about as I work on each goal.

Something that I honestly learned over the last few years is that until I am ready to make real changes in my life, I will have excuses for each of them... The real change comes for me when I confront each excuse and realize they were just fears... fears that I might fail... I might fail but I will never quit trying... one day I will succeed... 
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