My Heart Is Opened

My heart is opened and even though it is scary at times, I cannot be any other way. I don't know how to not to feel, I've tried not to for so long and I always end up back at the beginning of knowing there was something that touched me and even though I tried so hard to cover and walk away... I kept coming back to what I know is real.

Someone asked me today if when I met Andrey if I had a feeling there was something not quite right and there were so many red flags that I denied and brushed away. Then they asked me if I had that feeling today about someone else and the answer was no... even if this feeling doesn't last forever, it was never wrong.  I saw something in their eyes that needed to be loved and cared for but I was coming from a very dark place at the time and I couldn't believe that I could care for someone ever again.

Now I care, almost more than I thought possible... and as scary as it is, I cannot walk away and deny how I feel any longer. I knew how much I cared especially when I realized that I was willing to do anything I could to be there for someone that needed another person to care, really care about them... when I know they felt no one did.  I truly hope that they know that they are extremely special, cared about and thought of often.

Regardless of how this all plays out, I will be grateful that they were able to help me to open my heart to allow myself to care again. For what is life without love?  It is not a life worth living, that is only existing.  I don't just want to just exist anymore, I want to become even more than I can dream for myself, what's more, I want that for you too.

I Don't Know What To Think

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions, from high to low.  I feel like I am reading more into things than I should and then I think I should be questioning other things more. I had such a nice time Friday night, just chatting and laughing. I then came home motivated, wanting to get myself back, the person I was before I met Andrey. I loved cooking, organizing, hanging with my friends, then I came home today and I just felt strange.  I don't even know why? I feel like I am living in a dream and then I think I should stay positive and everything will be great.

My emotions are incredibly off the chart, mainly because I feel so much that often I wish that I didn't.  If you don't feel, you can't be hurt... I wonder if that's true? How do people shut themselves off... how do they live without caring?  Deep down I know it's better to feel even if it's painful :( 

What if Andrey was right when he said no one would or could ever love me?  I wish I didn't give him any of my power, it's so hard not to believe it when no one is there to love me.  I feel like when I desperately want someone, that I do everything in my power and I give of myself to the point that I am no longer me:/  Why can I be myself when I don't have feelings for someone? But then I am anything but myself when I want someone.  I keep trying to be and do what other people want.

I can't give up on love no matter what, it is worth it in the long run even if it is incredibly painful at times. I won't be my mother and give up on it, I don't want to be some lonely old lady, that is not what we are meant to be. I always have to remember that poem that is so true. 'When you love something let it go, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't it never was'.

Also, when I honestly love someone, I want them to be happy even if they are not with me, I have no desire to wish anything but the best for someone that I care deeply about.

Getting Passed My Insecurities

I don't like that I have let my insecurities rule me, when I have not allowed them to own me, I have SO much confidence. When I have let myself believe that small voice that beats me up, I always end up in a dark place. Lately, I have not given it a voice, I deserve better.

I want something so much that I cannot explain it and I realized that I was fearful that I wouldn't have it, fear repels what you really want, so... I have changed my thoughts and I have asked for what I want, I now believe I will have it and I am waiting to receive it :)

It is so good when I get passed some of my insecurities, I am a work in progress and I know that you never get passed them all and then that is it, there is always something to work on.  Which is very good, for if we didn't have goals and challenges we would stagnate and never grow.

Tonight I heard the song 'The Dance' and I really thought about the words, I am so grateful that I don't know how things are going to turn out, I could have missed some fabulous times especially in the past year or so. If I hadn't gone through everything in my life that I have gone through, I never would have taken the opportunity to get to know someone this past year who has become someone that I care a great deal for. If I could have seen into the future and known how hard it would be, I would have passed on knowing him and that would have been a bad choice. So the song, 'The Dance' reminded me that it great that we have no idea where our life is going, we can end up with some wonderful experiences which are worth more than you know.

Tonight I am not afraid and I am ready for the dance where ever it takes me, for however long it lasts. I am actually looking forward to what will happen in my life.  Each experience I have creates a memory that I will have forever. I have had some fabulous experiences this past year with one special person, I look forward to more and for however long it lasts.

What I Know For Sure

What I know for sure is that when I desire something to happen in my life, I am able to make it happen. This is why I know that even when things are not where I want or need them to be, I hold on because it happens eventually. I had one dream that I wanted and desired for so long and I thought I was not going to have it but honestly I gave up on it as I realized that dream was not worth it, he didn't deserve me, I was too good for him.

Now, I only want people that are kind, sweet and deserving of me. I deserve that especially after having some of the awful situations I have had only because I somehow didn't believe I deserved more. As well, I want the people that I care about to really know how wonderful and how special they are, they mean a great deal to me, my life is better for having known them!

Maybe if I had never gone through what I had, I never would have given someone a chance, someone who is very special to me, who has been so kind and sweet.  So, although I went through some terrible situations in my life, I feel like they might have been there to get me where I am today. Those challenges might have been worth it after all ;)

I have to say I love where I am at in my life, grateful that I know myself better then I ever have and thankful that I don't care what other people think of me like I did when I was younger. It's amazing how your life can change on a dime when you open your mind to new possiblites.  I am hoping you will open your mind to new possiblities too... you never know where it might take you, you are special and I never want you to forget it.  No matter where you are in your life, even if I am not there in the future with you, I always want you to remember that someone thought and always will think that you are very special. You deserve the best and I hope you let me show you that.

Passion and Love Versus a Long-Term Relationship

I have been thinking about what I always wanted when I was younger, I wanted a long term relationship at all costs but as I get older, I realize I want real love and passion even if it doesn't last a life time. What is the use of having a long term relationship if there isn't lasting love or passion?  I have felt more joy and happiness in the past year than I have ever thought possible.

Sure life has not been perfect but when it is ever perfect? This past year, I have been so completely happy and full filled, so much so that my cheeks hurt from smiling. I am not saying that I don't want a long term relationship if it held passion and love but I am not holding out hope for it.  I don't want to live that way anymore, I want to enjoy each moment instead of living in the future.

It took me so many years to get to this point, just being happy where I am.  My niece wrote in her update tonight that she wishes she was young again... she is 29.  I commented and said I wouldn't want to be young again unless I knew what I know now.  I have no desire to go back and have to re learn everything, I remember how difficult it was and how I felt so hopeless all the time.

Yes, I feel hopeless sometimes but not the way I did when I was in my twenties. I have moments that come and go and I remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel because I have come through so many tunnels when I didn't think I would make it. I learned I was stronger than I thought I was and I am grateful for that.

I wish all people could learn that lesson earlier than I did in life, learn that there is a light and things always get better. I also know that no matter how much I want to make things better for other people, I can't solve all their issues. What I can do is let them know that I will be there whenever they need me, no matter what.

You know what I want more than anything, I want the people in my life to know how incredibly special they are and how grateful I am to know them. I feel blessed because of the people I have met and known.


Somewhere, there's someone who dreams of your smile and finds in your presence that life is worth while, so when you are lonely, remember it's true, somebody, somewhere is thinking of you<3

I read this quote tonight and it said exactly what I have been wanting to say to you.  I feel like you don't realize how special you are, how much you mean to so many people especially me. I wish you could see and feel what I know.

When I first met you, I saw the sweetness and insecurity in your eyes, I was immediately taken in my the kindness and gentleness you showed. I wanted to be a part of your life even though it seemed impossible. The more I have come to know you, the more I have come to care.

I never thought it would be possible for me to feel again when I have dealt with so many challenges in my life that kept showing me I didn't deserve what I always desired. I was truly beginning to believe that I would not have this feeling again in my life but I was wrong, regardless of what happens in the future, you showed me that I could open my heart and that it would be okay.

My one wish is that you could feel what I feel about you. You are so worth it and you deserve to be happy and I don't think you know that. I am hoping one day you will get past all the insecurities that you have and that you will finally see what I see in you. You are kind, sweet, gentle and amazing.

Making Changes

Wow, so last night I was upset and I wrote all my inner thoughts, not that I didn't want to write them down. I just didn't want to write it down like that. That's me, I hold things in until all of a sudden I just blow and say it, then I calm down and then I reflect on what I have done or said, I always have to deal with the aftermath.

I am just not the type of woman that can hold everything in, if you know me, then you will really know me. I am not a woman that hides her feelings or holds on to secrets. I am more like take me or leave me and although that can be hard for me handle, it is the only way I can be.

It's also the only way I know how to love, there is no such thing as part way with me. I think that is why I have only given my heart twice in my life.  I loved Tony for over 20 years and I finally got over that, of course he had to hurt me beyond repair for me to finally get over him.  I never fully loved Andrey, I actually think I felt sorry for him, until he felt the need to destroy me for caring about him.

I also know you cannot be in love someone unless they are in love with you too but it doesn't stop me from liking someone and having feelings for them. I am extremely realistic when it comes to who I care about, even if people think I am not. Those people do not know me, if they did they would now that I don't have pie in the sky notions about what the future could hold.

I guess we are all entitled to have an off day and not being completely positive all the time.  I think I really needed to write what I did last night. Mostly because I have to get past the fear that if someone knows what happened to me that they won't understand and they will leave me. The truth is that if somebody doesn't understand then I don't want them in my life.  I am better than that, I deserve to have someone love me regardless of what my past holds, I would and will love someone no matter what there past holds and I mean no matter what.

I would never ever judge a person for something that happened that they had no control over, I had no control over what happened to me. Some things happen in life, it is never enough for me to stop loving them.  The only thing that could make me stop loving someone is what Tony and Andrey did to me. Tony blamed me for what happened to me then cut me off because he couldn't handle it, Andrey raped me when he wanted to hurt me and to make sure I knew that he had the control. Trust and honesty is important to me and being there when I need you as I am more than willing to be there when you need me.

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

What is wrong with me, seriously??  I constantly focus on something I am sure that will bring me happiness and joy and then boom, it is like an explosive bomb that just tears me apart.

When I care about someone, I go out of my way to be what they want, do what they want, give them what they want and then I get walked all over... made to feel like crap.  That is what my ex did to me, I pretty well jumped through hoops of fire to make him happy and how did he return the favor.  He returned it by making me feel less then human, I was less then garbage in his eyes and in the end he tried to destroy me by raping me.

It's a suprise to me that I came back from that when all I wanted to do was crawl in a deep hole and stay there. Instead, I hurt myself in other ways trying to cover the pain of what he had done. What was worse though was that the man that I loved for over 20 years blamed me and asked me what I expected, then he never spoke to me again. He hurt me worse than anybody else has ever hurt me in my life.

I just want to understand why I go out of my way to try to make other people feel better and I never get anything in return.  I am a good person, I am kind, thoughtful, caring, loving... yet I am made to feel like I am nothing. Why is that we want the people who don't want us and we don't want the people who do want us?

I am beginning to think I must like pain and rejection, otherwise I wouldn't keep choosing people who only hurt me. Lately I have been thinking that I see this sad thing in some peoples eyes and I want to make it better for them, only I can't make it better, no matter how hard I try. I think I need to work with my councillor to figure out why I have this need to fix people?

I think I need to fix myself before I am ever going to be able to be where I want and with who I want.  The thing is there have been very few people that I have honestly cared about but the ones my heart has chosen to care about has hurt me. You think I would have learned by now, yeah not me. Apparently I need to be destroyed to learn.

Judgemental People

I often wonder how and why people are so judgemental?  I know we all have our ideals of what we think is right and wrong but honestly who is to say what is right for someone.  I think unless you are hurting someone then you should stay out of it.  I think when I was younger I was more rigid, thinking that it had to be one way, or no way.  Now, I think wow.. what was I thinking, who do I think I was to say what someone else should be doing in their lives.

I have so many people that say to me, how could I do this or that or live in ways they think are odd.  Odd?  what does that mean, I am not main stream, is there anything wrong with being an individual?  I don't like being like everyone else, I want to make my own choices and not be judged by people because of it.

All I want to be in happy and I am right now.  I can honestly say I haven't been this happy for a very long time.  Do I think it can be lasting?  It can't be worse than not being with who I care about for whatever time I can. I spent years alone, years doing what other people wanted me to do, expected me to do.  Not any longer, never again.  I will do and say what I want as long as I don't hurt anyone, then who should care.

Life is short and I plan to enjoy each day, I no longer care what people say to me or think about me and my choices in life. I am happy with them, they have brought joy, real joy that makes me smile so much my cheeks hurt. What can be wrong with that?  Nothing~!~

Being Happy

I have been feeling compelled to write about what makes me happy. So many people think I am unaware of what it is and they would be wrong. I know what makes me happy, it is my family, my friends and relationships. Lately I have been over the moon with happiness and it comes from something that I know deep down that won't last.  People thinks this might scare me but it doesn't, I want to have this happiness even if it is not meant to last.

Sometimes certain relationships are there for a reason, they are not meant to be there forever. I think when we realize that, we can enjoy and be happy for that reason. I really think that when you try to hold on to things and people, they leave you quicker than if you just enjoy or trust the reason they are there. I have no desire to own or hold on to someone, I desire only to love and care for people in my life.

What I really want is to make the people in my life feel better for having known me, I wish all my family and friends knew how special they are. So many people don't know that, if you are a part of my life, you are extremely special to me.  There is something wonderful that I see and want to have around, I want everyone to see what I see in them.  I think it is why I love people so much, I see how fantastic they are and how they make me feel when they are around me.

I have learned so much in the past few years of my life, I realize that every time my ex said all those hurtful things to me, that he was wrong. It has been so hard to believe that he wasn't right because I allowed myself to believe him.  Why is it is easy to believe the nasty things and not see all the wonderful things in ourselves. I really am a kind, caring and loving person. I have no need or desire to hurt anyone, I truly want the people in my life to be happy.

I want people to be happy, even if they are not with me. I don't feel the need to hurt anyone because they don't want to be with me, I would still want to be friends with them. I came to this realization when someone that I loved so much and for so long, cut me out of their life.  I will never understand why but I also realized, I never want to be like that.

What I really want is that when people think of me, that they smile, laugh and say I made their day brighter and happier.  That's what I want, that is what I work towards each day of my life.