Anger Is Usually A Waste Of Energy

You know how people always tell you not to go to bed angry?  They couldn't be more right... last night I had a conversation with a friend that just ended up rubbing me the wrong way, so I signed off from talking to them but I didn't forget how perturbed I was.  So, I went to sleep like that and woke up in the same mood... the more I thought about the conversation the more ticked off I became, it just started to make me wonder how people that are your friends and care about you can say things without thinking.

Anyhow, I kept the mood up all day, right into getting Valentina off to bed.  Then I sat down to think about it and process it... I decided that I can continue to be angry about it and let it bother me or I can let it go and move on... I want to let it go... otherwise I won't be able to continue the friendship and that would disappoint me more.  I can let go of my hurt feelings, I know that none of it was intentional, it all hurts the same though.

I wanted to talk to my friend but I really think they are oblivious to the fact that they upset me because it was through chat.  A lot of times we have no idea how we could be upsetting someone because you cannot gauge someone's reactions... I love social media but nothing beats hearing someone's voice or seeing them and talking with them.  That way you have a much better idea of what the other person is inferring because of voice and body language.

I think our society has lost the art of conversation because of chat and texting, although I love these methods, nothing beats sitting with a friend talking on the phone or in the same room.  I am sure that if I was in the same room with that friend or on the phone, I would have come away from the conversation feeling a whole lot better.

It's because the situation would have been dealt with immediately and we would have ended everything off with laughter... instead I went to bed perturbed and carried it through to today, actually adding to it by adding other things the person said before, trying to justify my mood... Unfortunately I realized or knew that there is nothing that can justify my mood.  Just because someone says something hurtful, whether they meant to or not, does not mean that I should pass that on.

Here I am chatting with my friend again tonight, everything is fine... they honestly have no clue.  I am going to be a lot more careful what I put in a chat or text, I don't want someone upset with me for something I didn't mean to infer... If anything like this happens in the future, I will make the decision to move on before I go to sleep.. then I won't waste so much time being angry at nothing.

  I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Why I Love Blogging

I started my blog in July of 2009 but I didn't become serious until February 2012, at that time I had one follower and I had about 3000 page views... since February 2012, I now have 152 follower on GFC, plus many followers on Twitter, Bloglovin,, my Facebook page, Pinterest etc... and over the weekend, I have hit over 50,000 views.

That boggles my mind but I seriously look forward to more growth, I love the interaction of blogging... getting to know new people by following their blogs and learning about them through their posts.  Some people have actually become friends on Facebook where we chat off and on... I think it is amazing being connected with so many people across the world.  I know that no amount of internet connection makes up for human connection which I have daily with teammates.  I think that blogging friends are special because we all know what it takes to put a blog post together.

What takes someone a few minutes to read, likely takes an hour to two hours.  Lately it has been so much better for me now that I have a new computer and I have a much faster internet but it still takes time, time that I actually enjoy.  One of the reasons that I comment on my favorite blogs regularly is because first, I like people to know that someone is really following them and second I like getting to know people this way.  I know what it means to me when someone takes time out of their busy schedule to comment on my blog, I really appreciate it, especially since I blog so often...

I also know that when I blog, I put myself out there, writing my past to work on a better future.  My favorite bloggers are too many to name but the people that I connect to the quickest are people that make me feel, either by making me laugh hysterically, or crying with a beautiful piece of poetry written from the heart, or making me ponder something with words that are written with so much love.  I have always loved to read and now I get to read a little bit about many people's lives.  I get to laugh, cry and smile with them as they are on a journey, not so different than my own.  Maybe different challenges but we are still working towards becoming our best selves.

  I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Starting Over

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.”   Nicole Sobon

I heard this quote at the end of a show I watched a couple of nights ago and I was looking for the author before I could write about it.  I finally found the author on Good Reads and liked it there immediately. I liked this quote because learning to start over is so much harder than letting go.  I am grateful that there is an acknowledgement of this in this quote

I am fabulous at holding on, I am very tenacious... I rarely let go because I often wonder if I can make the next dream I have even better than the last.  What if nothing else ever measured up to the dream you're trying to let go of?  What if there is only mediocrity?   I have to remind myself that I am anything if mediocre... I highly doubt that anything I was involved with would be boring. 

I want someone who can l laugh just as much as I do, I think if you have a lot of laughter in your relationship then you are better able to handle the lows that inevitably come along.  I think after being with Andrey who had absolutely NO sense of humor that I would be unwilling to settle for anything but the complete opposite. Having a sense of humor is a deal breaker for me, plus I think it keeps you young.  

I have been seeing the other side of learning to start over and although I know it is going to be difficult, I plan to start over.  I have set some of the ideas into motion, the plan to get healthy, the plan to move up in my career and then hopefully I allow myself to start over and find love.  I seriously wouldn't want to see myself alone, I have too much to offer and I am a lot of fun.  Sometimes I wish I had learned the art of letting go, like some people I see...  I don't know how they do it so easily but I would love to learn that some day. 

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Enjoy The View

"I think that you have to believe in your destiny; that you will succeed, you will meet a lot of rejection and it is not always a straight path, there will be detours - so enjoy the view."

- Michael York
This quote above is true... it seems we all want a clear sailing path without the rejection or sadness but what would we learn from having a life that never had real growth opportunities?  Would we truly be happy, joyful and grateful?  I know we would all like to think that we would, I would hope that I had those qualities... However; I have seen in my own life that when things are wonderful, I tend to get lost in myself and I stop giving of me to others as I should.  Not on purpose by any means... I think trials are sometimes given to me to remind me that I am here for a higher purpose or reason than just to make myself happy.

Although I am not thrilled to admit this to myself, I would not be honest if I didn't admit that many of the trials I have gone through, I have brought on myself by poor decisions.  I know as a mother that when one of my children has made a choice that wasn't appropriate, I have had to give out consequences... In the past I was the kind of parent that would just give in because I didn't want to deal with the fall out of what discipline can bring but I have learned that unless I am firm with my resolve and I learn to understand that I am not showing love my giving in, I am showing that there are no real consequences to their actions.

I liken this to myself because although I don't want to see my children unhappy and uncomfortable, I do want them to know that a lot of the time they can avoid these feelings by making better choices in their lives.  I didn't have very good roll models when I was growing up with Ruth my ex step mother and my father.  My father let us do whatever, he was like a big teenager and he was never really a parent... case in point, when my mother and father reunited when I was fifteen, my dad didn't just let us smoke or drink, he actually bought these for us...  WOW... at the time I thought this was cool... yeah... once I became a parent I thought this was insane...  and Ruth, well let's just say she isn't really worth my words or time. 

Instead of rewarding bad behavior, I show love... I sometimes think that some of the trials we are given are to show us love... there is no trial that is easy but those trials we bring on ourselves seem the hardest to handle.  Instead of focusing on the trials lately, I have been enjoying the view along that path, the trial won't last forever and I want to learn the lesson I need to, so that I will stop repeating the poor choices I have made in the past.

This is not to say that there are not trials that happen that absolutely none of us deserve, some that are almost beyond comprehension but I have learned that although painful, there is always something that I come away with and it almost invariably strengthens me.  It's like that story about how we are always being refined and polished to become the best person we are capable of becoming, which is truly much more than we are really aware of....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Aftermath Of Rape

I purposefully decided not to write about this on it's five year anniversary, I wanted to take some time to think about it and reflect on how far I have come and I also thought about the path I took to get here, where I am today.  So, April 13, 2013 was the five year mark of my being raped by Andrey, I rarely think about it and it only came back to me on that date.   Of course I remembered it in detail, I remember that Valentina was just one room away sleeping and I didn't want her to wake up and see that, so I didn't fight back as hard as I wanted to...

Rape is demoralizing and there are no real words to explain what it does to a woman or person it has happened to... I knew of people this had happened to, I thought I understood, I didn't though.  It was probably one of the worst days I have ever had in my life, especially when it comes from a person you once had feelings for, you end up despising them for a while... then you either come to terms with it and  move on or you hold on to it and become bitter... I chose to move on...

However, I took the long road there, for the first year I was tested regularly to make sure I didn't catch some sexual disease because at that point Andrey was sleeping with just about anybody... thankfully I was given a clean bill of health.. I spent the first year basically trying not to think about it or let it affect me, I told my doctor and a few very close friends...

Almost one year to the date, Andrey was going down hill emotionally and he was pushing to move back in with me, this was NOT going to happen... I had Cindy be with me the night he showed up trying to bully me and when he threatened to harm us, she called the police and that set the next few years of my life into complete chaos for me.  Andrey was put into jail and he had to stand trial for the rape and the threats.  It was about this time that I thought it might be a good time for me to start dating, believe me, I seriously wonder what I was thinking.

Anyhow, since I had not dealt with the rape and I was dating, I ended up not respecting myself because I was starting to deal with the emotions through counseling that was provided for me.  I went through a phase where I saw quite a few guys and I was promiscuous, apparently this is normal for some women who were raped... I didn't think it was appropriate at all but I had so little self esteem that I didn't care at the time.  Finally I started getting myself together and I had started respecting myself again, this is when my David came back into my life again. 

We had spoke on Facebook off and on for four years and when I was going through the trial, David and I were talking then, he knew... he was wonderful about it, very kind and caring.  Somewhere a long the line David shut his Facebook down for a bit and I lost contact with him, anyhow he reactivated and that was when we really started to talk seriously and I divulged to him the way I had lived for a while.  He was very understanding, not the least bit judgmental... it was what I needed the most, I needed validation that I had done nothing to deserve being raped.

Nor was a bad person for making the mistakes I made on my path to getting myself better.  I totally respect myself now, I won't allow myself to act that way... it's because I am stronger emotionally, some from the counseling, some from my friends, some from blogging (this one helped me a lot).  My David told me that I am not my past, it was just a path a took, now that I respect myself, I won't accept anything less than the best. 

I love this quote by Maya Angelou

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Patience Can Be A Challenge And A Gift

I am the type of person when I have something difficult going in in my life that I have to talk it out, I need to discuss it and it helps me to release some of the pain, anger, fear, sadness or frustration.  I feel like I would burst if I didn't say the words out loud to someone and hear their opinion.  I like to hear other people's opinions, I don't always follow it... I do have my own ideas.

So when I end up dealing with someone who becomes a total introvert when something befalls them, it becomes a learning game for me... because although I need to converse, not everyone does... some people have to deal with it on a personal level before they can get to the next step.  Can I say I have not always been patient with that trait, usually I become frustrated and look at ways I can try to make things better for that person.  I have learned that sometimes it is much better to give people their space to deal with it the way they need to...

The only thing I do in these situations is offer my support, whenever they need it and let them know I will be ready and waiting. It's all I can do, anything else would be judgmental and the last thing I want to do is step on someones toes with how they need to deal with their pain. Is it easy for me, no... I would be lying if I said that but as I get wiser with age, I recognize that my way is not always the right way and it definitely isn't the right way for everyone else.

I also am aware that men and women handle challenges differently, I have found that the majority of women I know want to talk about it, discuss it, analyze it... figure out a solution.  The men I have known, want to hear the issue, they give a logical response and if I didn't take their advise, they seemed baffled.  David was and is different, he gave advise but he also listened and understood why I wouldn't always take his full advise. 

While I am waiting patiently, I am learning that sometimes all you can do is send out positive happy thoughts and pray...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Freedom From The Whys

Today was a MUCH  better travel trip to work, all three buses connected and I arrived there in 55 minutes... I had another good day at work, the clients and I had some great conversations and I helped fix some really big issues.  I feel like I am learning and retaining lots of things lately, it was very true what they told me when I was hired... they said that it took about six months that you stopped panicking on a call and you actually new something but that it could take up to two years to feel like you knew something.  I have been in my position for almost five years and although I get crazy questions, I am in the state that I want to know why instead of just giving an answer someone else told me to give. That feels good, that feels productive to me.... since I wondered how or why I wasn't let go in the beginning from all the mistakes I made and how slowly it took me to understand programming.

My company knows and understand that this is not an easy peasy job... it takes time, it is almost like learning a whole new language, as everything is in code and there are so many you cannot memorize them, so you just learn as each day goes by... I think it's awesome.  I love my job, I feel I am very good at it and I love that I continue to learn every single day.

So, the only thing to mar an otherwise wonderful day was that my David messaged me to tell me that his Son is having troubles again... it breaks my heart because my D is far away and he can't be here and he loves his son so much.  He really is a very good daddy, I knew there was a reason I was attracted to him when I was a teenager, I could see all those amazing qualities in him that he now possesses... He probably already had them, he just magnified them.

I will be sending out good and positive thoughts for David's son as well as prayers.  I know he won't rest until he hears some good news, my D already has too much on his plate and I am hoping for this will be one less issue he will have to deal with. 

David asked me why bad things seem to always happen to good people and why people who seem to hurt other people don't have consequences?  I understand completely where he is coming from, I have a lot of people who ask me this... First and foremost for me, I gave up questioning why?  There was never an answer, I will not understand why... second, for me to move on, I have to forgive some of those people who may have hurt me or ones that I love... otherwise I would be the one suffering by becoming bitter and angry.  I definitely have many things that I could question....

Why did I have to go through the fire?  Why did I have to grow up with an abusive ex step mother?  Why did I have to deal with being raped by Andrey?  I gave up asking all those why's because I wanted to live in the present and I didn't want the past to pull me down.  I forgave the abuse and the rape, it doesn't mean I want to have either of these people in my home for dinner... it means I can be civil to them and not let them dictate my present and future.

I didn't come to any of this easily, I had to take all the hard roads but with each trial I have endured, I have grown from them... It actually feels good to let go, it means one less thing for me to worry about... Who needs added things to worry about?  Not me and I hope we can all learn to forgive and move on, not for any of those people that may of hurt or wronged us but for ourselves, it's freeing..

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

It Was All In My Attitude

I had an off day, where I was playing catch up all day... from the moment I woke up, it took me nearly twenty minutes to finally roll out of bed.  I jumped into the shower and proceeded to spend an hour of my morning drying and styling my hair.  I had no idea how much it had grown in the past month (it seemed to have gained inches overnight, lol)... time to get it  cut a bit.. an hour is a bit much to spend on my hair in the morning. I didn't get my housework done on Saturday and I don't do any housework on Sundays, so because of this, I was completely unorganized with cooking lunch and getting clothes ready.

I actually left the house in plenty of time for the bus, which ended up being very late... which in turn made me miss my connection.  I stayed on that bus thinking I would just connect to any bus that was going across the bridge.  This was not to be, there was some sort of accident on the bridge and the bus was not able to go anywhere... by this point I was beginning to think the Universe was against me, lol. 

The bus was finally able to go over the bridge, however; my next transfer was no where in sight, I decided to take any bus to my next stop, which then had another twenty minute wait.  Did I mention it was cold this morning, beautiful but very cold.  I finally made it to work ten minutes before I was to start... I left the house at 7:10 am and I reached work at 8:50, what normally takes me a little over an hour, took me nearly two.

Work went really well though, the clients were funny, I was able to help solve most of their issues... it's always a good day when I come away from work smiling. It means I had a productive and happy day.. more and more of these lately.  Anyhow, I decided on the way home that no matter how tired I was and believe me I am exhausted, I was going to make sure the dishes and laundry were done... I can say it, they are done... so happy.

I am glad that I shook off the nasty morning I was having and started the day with a smile and it only got better as the day went on.  Tomorrow I will be more prepared and the day will be even better because of it, can't have two bad bus days in a row...

The highlight of my night was when Valentina and I went through all of her photos I have posted on Facebook, we laughed so hard and I told her the many stories behind each picture of her. There was one where she was eating cake and she was full of it... and ones where she was making the funniest faces, she is a beautiful girl but she can make the funniest faces that make us both laugh hysterically.  I'm going to post a few of these so you can smile like we did.

 Valentina and her first birthday cake

 Valentina and her many cute faces

Valentina at a year with her new fuzzy slippers

I am off to bed now, I want to start the day out on a good note and take it through the day... the best thing, I don't have to wash and style my hair, so I get an extra hour of sleep... starting off on the right foot.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Path I Must Follow

I had a rather quiet and reflective day, it was a day that I didn't really have anywhere to go and I didn't have much of anything to do... so I spent most of the day with my thoughts and I even had a small nap.  It was beautiful today, Spring is definitely on it's way, just when we all wonder if it will happen, it shows up.  I love days like today, not that I think it is always great to be unproductive but sometimes I just need one of those days where nothing is expected of me, I end up being rejuvenated for my next task.

Remember that challenge I talked about having to face as early as this summer, well, it's happening a lot sooner than I thought... Change is like that, you think you have time to prepare for it but it comes sooner and we just have to learn how to get through.  I guess there is a good reason that it is happening now, I tend to over analyze everything if I have too much time.  I don't have time to really think about it, I just have to go with whatever is handed my way and make the best of it.

I've decided that I will accept the change that is coming and not fight against it as I normally do... Just because I think I know what is best for me, doesn't always mean that I do... sometimes (most times) I have to be shown the hard way.... For once I think I will take the path that looks hard and hope for better results, since the path that looks easy is never what it seems... there is always something difficult given to you to show you that the easiest path just looks like it is easy.

I will say this, I feel like I am going to have to lose more than I might be wanting to lose... but the outcome could mean much more than I ever thought...  I will find out if taking the path that looks harder actually ends up being more rewarding... The quote below reminds me each day that if I want a different result I HAVE to make a different choice.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

At the moment I am feeling rather confident in my choice...  I hope I can grow this confidence for each phase that I am going to have to deal with...  The path of least resistance never lead me anywhere I wanted to be, so I am choosing the path I must follow.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Life Is A Balancing Act

I spent the whole day with my Valentina, we went shopping together and for the most part had a really good day but the preteen took over my Valentina and she snapped at me twice at the store... I was not impressed, so much so that I told her everything would go back if she could not control her words.  She maintained herself for the rest of the day.  I did not forget so easily though, I didn't want to start a scene in public but when we got home, I explained how she had made me feel and that in the future I would not tolerate the behavior. 

She certainly has the right to vent and voice her opinion but she is not allowed to snap at me like that, I do not snap at her.  If I am speaking in a harder tone than normal, it is because she has acted or said something inappropriate, I don't just snap.  Yes I understand that she is nine but I am very cognitive of the fact that if I let m guard down, she will feel it is okay to be inappropriate. Luckily my Valentina is a very kind and loving individual but we all have our days.

Monday I am hoping to go sign up so that we can start exercising daily... I have been very exhausted lately, so much so that I just want to crawl into bed and sleep but of course insomnia kicks in and I don't have full night sleeps.  I know, this is why I am exhausted, I am not sure how to train my body to sleep through a whole night.  I used to be an amazing sleeper, I would put my head on a pillow and sleep all the way through until the morning. Ever since I took on two jobs and had very little time to sleep, my body forgot how to sleep.

Even now when I only work one job and I rarely do overtime here either... but my body has never recovered from working so many hours at so many jobs.  Just because we can work like that, doesn't mean we should... I value my time now, if I do work a few extra hours here and there, I book time off instead of requesting the money.  I love my job but we all need time for ourselves, something always gives if we don't give enough time for us.

I am watching David do that right now, he is basically doing two jobs right now, he has very little time for himself.  Thankfully this will only last a few more weeks than he can take some time off for himself. I know that David loves his career, he is very dedicated and gives a hundred percent to his job but there has to be a balance.  I learned that about five years ago when I started my new job, I had left a job where I was working sixty five plus hours a week.

It felt good to slow down and relax, I guess that is why I guard my time so much now, I appreciate the quite times I have to just read or write.  I also realized that all the hours I put in for overtime, didn't really mean all that extra money, a lot of it went to taxes.... so I wasn't really winning there.  What I gained from all that was I didn't take care of myself and today I am still paying for it all with the insomnia...

I just need to get my life under some sort of balance... not that it stays there but at least I want to be putting out the effort.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Another Kind Of Love

I have been debating the dating idea all day, I finally decided that I'm going to give myself a year.  I am going to concentrate on Valentina, my job and advancing as well as getting healthy and losing weight.  My life is going to be much too busy to have anyone in it.  I think once I lose the weight that I will feel more comfortable with dating again and I have come to an understanding with myself in that I am just not going to love anyone as much as I love my David but that doesn't mean I can't love someone else, it just means that it would be very different. 

David and I are closer in ways that most people are not, that is not easy to find even with just friends let alone love.  Most people are not always that open, it takes a great deal of trust to be that way with someone.  I think anyone who finds it knows how lucky they are and they don't take it for granted... I love that close friendship I have with David.  I do know that I need to move ahead in the future, especially since I do not want to repeat my mothers footsteps. 

I think that is what we learn from the people in our lives such as our parents, we watch how they handle the challenges that have been given to them and we either see them make strong choices and living by their convictions so that we too model this in our lives.  Or we see how they let the challenges get the better of them and we then choose to follow in their path or go ahead and make a better path. 

I will always love David, I will always be close to him... he will be the person I go to when I am feeling stressed or judged or I just need a laugh.  But I will need to step outside that huge comfort zone of mine since I don't want to spend my life alone... and I am great company, I am pretty happy being on my own... I don't need someone to entertain me... but I do think that having someone to share my life with would enrich me and make me a better person.  A more loving and giving person... I don't want to become bitter and sad in my old age, I want to smile and look back at my life and think wow, I really lived.

Once the time comes, I am sure I will blog about the dates...  That will be interesting for anybody I date, finding out they are being written about.... lol.   I used to wonder what my David thought about me writing about him so openly, I asked him one time if it was okay or if it bothered him?  He said no, it was okay... so that is why I am pretty open about him

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Need To Stop This Merry-Go-Round

I thought about not writing tonight... not because I don't have things I want to write about but more because I think I have too much to say and too much of the same thing.  I feel like I go around in circles sometimes, which then has me thinking why I won't find a way off the merry-go-round.  At first it was fun, I laughed and really enjoyed it, lately I am only feeling sick and wanting off... it's true when people tell us that there is too much of a good thing.

I want to be able to take a chance and right now I don't feel strong enough to do that... not where it counts.  I want to say enough is enough but I don't want off the merry-go-round for good, just for a break...  I feel like I am back at square one, at least I know more now than I did, so being back at square one doesn't mean that I will stay there long.  It's just the hardest one to deal with, it's the one that knocks the wind out of me and I find it hard to breathe... I wonder if the feeling will ever go away.

I go through my options again and again, choice A is continuing on this path where I hope that I can finally make a breakthrough and see that it was all worth it one way or the other.  Which could be very good or not... or choice B which is the hardest choice, one when I think of choosing it makes me have a panic attack where I can barely breathe. 

I guess the options keep coming up because I keep choosing option A and it keeps bringing me back to the options... which means I should choose option B.  Maybe it will be the one where I finally get off the merry-go-round, I am hoping that it isn't as difficult as I think it will be... maybe it just seems that way.  I have been thinking about this because someone told me it was time for me to start dating and I instantly said no... when I think about dating and putting my heart there again, I become overwhelmed and I get short of breath.

First and foremost, I can't ever imagine loving anyone more than I love my David... I don't even think I can convey all the feelings I have for him and how he sees the best in me and wants the best for me.  I have never had anyone who cared about me like that. Second and most important is that I don't think I could handle another let down.  This one nearly took me out, I can still remember that horrible feeling when I found out that it wasn't going to work out.  I dropped to the floor and I could barely breathe... I sobbed from the depths of my soul.  It went on for days, I stayed in bed for three full days and than I finally got out to go to work, I sobbed between calls and on the bus.. anywhere, I sobbed myself to sleep.

I don't feel like that all the time anymore and I don't ever want to feel that way again.  It took me a long time to pull myself out of that, thinking about dating brings back all those feelings.  I don't know how I could ever trust anyone not to hurt me again... it's not even possible to ask that because there are no guarantees in life, so that's why I have held back on dating. 

I told my sister this after I messaged her and said, I am going to end up being like mom, aren't I?  She called to tell me, only if I choose to... My mother never took a chance again in her life after my father broke her heart because she said only one man had broke her heart twice and she wasn't willing to take a chance with anyone else.  I don't want to be like my mother... that means taking a chance and hoping it doesn't break me completely.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Turning It Around

I'm in the mood to write poetry and even though the word poetry sounds flowery and pretty, not all poems are, yet I find those ones the most meaningful, the ones I connect to.  They are the real ones that make you realize you are not alone in your trials and challenges, other people are dealing with the same pain and by writing the pain out in poetry, it helps them and the reader to understand what they are going through.

So, today truly started out great... I had an amazing morning with Valentina, I made it to work early so that I could relax... I had a nice quiet day where I was able to help the clients, it was a day I felt satisfaction with, however; within an hour of leaving work, my mood had changed around.  I came home read some blogs and a couple of them really touched me because they had had a bad day too but they were going to do what they needed to turn it around.  I decided I will write out my feelings in a poem and then turn this day around and end it on a really good note.

 Do you think before you speak?
you must because you have to type it
yet you type it all without thinking and hit send
then you wonder why I feel the way I do?

Really? Do you think if I think the way you do
that I will be happy and everything will be fine?
That's not the way it works, you can't have it both ways
Why didn't I know this before?

Will you feel less guilty if I do what you ask?
will it make you happy, even if you know it won't make me happy?
Therein lies the difference between us
I could never be truly happy if you weren't

I feel like a fraud with you, always saying what you want to hear
never saying how you make me feel
always thinking before I type
then sending, hoping it will bring a smile to you

I want it to be in the future and that we made it past all this
but right now I can't see a good ending for us
which makes me very sad...
We both will lose, I wonder when you will realize that...

I just needed to purge and say whatever was inside... now I am going to have a nice hot bubble bath then curl up with a good book and get some sleep... I can almost feel things turning around :)

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Being Resilient In Tough Times

I am feeling a big change coming, it might have to do with work... I have been in the same position for five years and it's about time I challenge myself in another department.  Also it might have to do with getting healthy, this is huge, I haven't made this big of a commitment to myself in forever.  This is not something I plan on taking lightly, I am putting my all into it.  Yet I still think there is another change coming, maybe as early as summer... I am taking a wait and see attitude, I am not going to rely on anything until I see it come together.

Part of me is really excited for all the changes that are happening to me right now and in the future, part of me is a little fearful I won't live up to the challenges.  I just don't want to disappoint myself by not valuing myself enough to really put my heart and soul into each challenge that is placed before me or chosen by me.

I am trying to get myself into a really good frame of mind, where no matter what the outcome is, I will not let it define how I feel...  I think there are things that can devastate us for a moment in time but somehow we are resilient enough to get past those life lessons and even become stronger for it.  When I think about the many challenges I have overcome in my life, I am happy to see how far I have come.  I definitely have more growth opportunity in many aspects of my life but one thing at a time, otherwise I could overwhelm myself and then not accomplish any growth.

You know what I find amazing is how a song can bring up emotions that I swear I have under control, all I have to do is hear the first line and I am in a certain place in time or it evokes uncontrollable emotions.  Much like a piece of poetry does to me, I think songs are just poetry with music... Lately I have been writing a little poetry on the side, I share an occasional one on my blog but mostly I keep it for me... mainly because it's so personal and so emotional.  I am glad that I finally started writing poetry again after 25 years, it has given me another creative outlet.  I can never have enough of these.

These next couple of months is going to show how resilient I am... with the many changes I am going to be making in my life.  One of those changes will either go extremely well or extremely wrong... although that is very scary for me, I am going to go with it... if I hold back in anything, I will always wonder what if...?   I hope it's all worth it ultimately, I guess having closure is always a good thing, one way or the other...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Am Worth The Journey

I am wide awake, I took a nap this afternoon... how come it seems so much easier to nap in the day than it does to sleep at night?  It was one of those cool afternoons where it feels so good to curl up in bed with a couple of your favorite blankets and then just drift off to sleep.  Hopefully I will still be able to sleep tonight, lately it seems I need to take my sleep when it comes, otherwise I may never get any.

I have been having a reflective weekend, one where I go from one thought to the next which then brings me to the next one... Maybe that is why I don't sleep, I have so many thoughts going on in my head that I don't give myself enough down time. I think giving ourselves the gift of time is the best gift we can give... I am really grateful that I am going to be joining The Canada Games Center this week, I feel like this will be giving myself time.  While I am there, whether I am running, swimming, doing a Zumba class... I will be giving time to myself to get healthy.

I am excited for this new chapter in my life, it is one long over due... it is because I didn't value myself enough before.  Lately I realize if I don't value myself, Valentina may not value herself...  I want her see that I take care of myself and that she should take care of herself.  I have let me go because of one excuse after the other, never believing I deserved this... the time is now though, I don't want to be sitting here a year from now wishing I had started.  I want to post a year from now that I not only accomplished my goal, I am still there, keeping it up and having fun.

Valentina asked me how long we would be going, I told her for as long as she wanted... that made her happy, this is something she and I can do together and we will have time to chat on the bus on the way home every night.  I am happy that this will bring us closer together... especially since she will be a teenager before I know it and that is a little scary for me. My Valentina is a really sweet little girl but I am not burying my head in the sand, she will be a teenager soon and it changes even the best of girls. I really think that spending all this time getting healthy together will help her and I stay close.

Once I join this week, I am going to weigh and measure myself and start keeping track... I will just check in weekly with both of these.  Once I feel more comfortable, I will share my stats... I will update you all with the amount of weight I lose as well as all the activities I participate in.  I feel like this is the beginning of a long journey but one that will be worth all the effort...

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future