30 Days Without Social Media

So, I am off social media for the next 30 days, that includes Facebook, Twitter, Texting, Pinterest and Blogging.  I will be blogging for myself as I do want to keep a journal of this 30 days I am embarking on.

I am not just getting rid of media, I am giving up wheat, refined sugar and dairy.  I am going to be eating extra healthy for the next 30 days which I also hope will invigorate me into exercising.  I am going out to buy my sneakers tomorrow so that I can really get into the exercise part of my life, walking more, using the stationary bike and also using the elliptical at work.

I had vices that I had to get control of and in the past couple of months I did get control over them.  It feels good but I want to keep it up, I don't want to fall back into old habits.  I want to deal with my pressures the way I should the healthy way.  I really feel like I am doing this cleanse to learn how to rely on myself.

I am starting my CPA course this month and I am taking the the next two, one after the other.  I want to be able to get my PCP for work, I know I can do this, I just have to buckle down and really work hard to attain this goal .  I am really hoping with this challenge that I will take the time to organize my life, read and just relax.

The biggest thing I have to deal with is not having contact with David, he is truly my rock, the person that centers me daily.  My life was spinning out of control when he came back into it and he stopped the spinning.  He made me laugh, smile and feel so good about myself... it is hard not to feel good when someone tells you that you are amazingly wonderful... often.  David was and is way more than I ever fantasized about over the years, he surpassed any dream I may have had about him.

I love how quirky he is and he totally gets how silly I am, everyone needs that someone special in their lives who get them, really gets them.  I am so going to miss him but he's right, I am strong.. I can handle this. Believe me, I can barely wait to talk to him when he is back on May 10th or the 11th... we already have the time booked that we will talk for a couple of hours.  We talked tonight for nearly two and a half hours, it was perfect, we laughed and acted crazy with each other.

So this is it for 30 days but I will be back with even a better version of me, I will take the time to learn what I need to so that I can be the best me.

I Am Determined To Succeed

I read this quote and I instantly thought this is what I am like a good 95% of the time, I smile and laugh endlessly,  the people I know are always commenting on how happy and positive I am.  Some wonder why, others are just grateful that I try to find the best in all situations.

I am also one of the most determined people I know, once I know what I want, I don't give up until I get it.  There is little that I desire that I don't end up getting.  Knowing this about myself makes me wonder why I only desire small things?  Why don't I just desire huge things... am I fearful of failure?  Do I not believe enough in myself?

Sometimes I wonder why I am unaware of my own power, we all have the power to change our lives into what we want and desire. We just need to believe and then prove it and dream big.  Then just watch it come to pass, the good thing is that there is not just one huge dream we can have.  Each dream that we desire that comes to pass, only makes the next dream bigger.

All dreams are attainable, we just have to ask for what we want, believe that we will have it and then receive it into our lives.   The reason that dreams don't work out is because we give up and don't believe that they can happen, we are sure they are too big, it's like we don't believe we deserve to have exactly what I want.

I am working on that behavior of mine, I believe that this cleanse will help me get to the next level where I will know that I deserve all my dreams and I won't be doubting any of them anymore.  There will be nothing too big for me not to attain.  We all have this ability, we really just have to believe.

Deprived Or Enriched?

Ever since I found out that I was going to go on this 30 day challenge, I have felt deprived.  Actually I have allowed myself to believe I will be deprived, I unconsciously wanted to feel that so that I could give myself an excuse to eat the way I want to until I start the cleanse-challenge.  That is my old way of thinking that had won over me for the past 5 days.  I have been stopping eating by 7:00 pm every night except for maybe a piece of fruit, since Saturday I have been eating a little later, like last night... I had to go to my doctors so I didn't get home until 8:30 pm and then I ate.

I felt stuffed which made me feel incredibly awful... last night I decided to commit to stopping eating by 7:00 pm no matter the excuse and I am not going to eat my heavy meal late at night.  That will be my day time meal so that I won't go to bed on a full stomach... which will allow me to sleep through the night better.

The main thing is my thought pattern, I was feeling deprived, after last night... I am feeling enriched.  I am looking forward to the cleanse challenge, I am going to have a great attitude about it.  The only thing I am still not happy about is not being able to have contact with David for 30 days.  We have had daily contact for the last 5 months.  Even if he couldn't talk to me each day, I could text or email him when he had time to read it.  He's been so supportive and understanding.

Even now he's being wonderful and letting me talk to him as much as I need before Saturday.  We are going to have a long talk on either the phone or on Skype... also, I know he won't let me break down and cheat and he will be there at the end of the 30 days to cheer me and he will be waiting to see what I have learned about myself. 

This is going to enrich my life ultimately, I am going to clean up my eating, my addictions to media, my need to rely on other people to get me through each day.  I will rely on myself and strengthen myself through this challenge, this is exactly what I am going to need to get to the next point in my life.

I Am More Than Adequate

I am attempting to prepare myself to deal with and hopefully learn something about myself for when I start the cleanse... challenge.  I have been letting people know about what I am doing, they are more shocked than me, they don't think that I will make it...  they don't know me.  I am tenacious, if I put my mind to it, I can do anything.  Yes, I am a not thrilled with giving up a lot of my comforts, mainly David but I will do whatever I need to do to learn about myself so that I can alter my behavior and become a better me.

Besides, David is one of the only people who thinks I can do this, I don't like to disappoint him, I will prove him right.  I like being the best me where he is concerned.  I have changed a lot of my behavior because he saw the good in me.  I was unable to see that good... I was sure that it didn't even exist within me.   Thankfully I was wrong, he was right... I am unbelievably grateful that he was sent to me, given to me when I most needed him.

I just heard something interesting...  it was that many people feel inadequate, that is how I felt for so many years, I am still dealing with that feeling of lack, deficiency and incompetency.  Which then causes me to feel guilt.  Why do I feel guilt?  I think, who am I to feel lack, deficient and incompetent when I have been so incredibly blessed.

Yes I have had horrible and awful events happen to me but they do not make me who I am... I am truly better than that, sometimes it is so hard to remember that when I allow myself to feel inadequate.  I am so strong most of the time... I just want to stay strong... I don't want to give into my feelings.  I am more than adequate.

The 30 Day Challenge

So, I am about to embark on a 30 day challenge... I have to say when I first heard of some of the items I had to give up or change,  I was pretty comfortable and then the next thing said was that I had to give up social media.  I was shocked and uncomfortable, sure sign I would have to take on the challenge and give it up for the 30 days.

My heart started beating quickly and my breathing was uneven... then the next item came... I would not be able to flirt for 30 day.  I was what???  I do this without thinking, it is a habit that is second nature.  So... I thought okay, I will take on that challenge and work very hard to be conscious of this and not do it anymore.

I became even more uncomfortable when the next challenge came, I would have to give up contact with any of my exes, the first thought that came to me was NOOOO,  I cannot do this, my best and closest friend David who keeps me centered is one of my exes.  He is the one who has turned me around and helped me see the best in myself.  How in the world will I survive without him for 30 days, he is my rock... my voice of reasoning.  I thought for sure, this was going to be my breaking point.

I realized I was very uncomfortable and it was then that I knew for sure I would have to do it, I have to get out of my comfort zone so that I can rely on myself and grow to my potential.  So then I had to talk to him and as usual he was beyond supportive, which is what I needed from him even if it was not what I wanted.  Besides, it is only for 30 days, I am going to do this with a great attitude and the time will fly by before I know it and in the meantime, I will learn something about myself.

Everyone in the group had things that they were uncomfortable with, having to give up caffeine was one of the largest things, I had already done this almost 2 months ago and I was feeling good about this... I should have known that there would be something over whelming that I would have to come to terms with.

It's odd but somehow I knew something like this was coming, I just wrote in my blog about a week ago that I would have to make a decision or it would be made for me.... I didn't make the decision and now it is made for me.  This is just a test I have to pass, I can do this, I am strong even if I don't feel like it.  There must be something huge I have to learn about myself, otherwise I would not have to go to such great lengths.  It seems this is always how it is with me, I have to have the big life changes to make the changes I need to in my life.

Can Men And Women Be Friends?

I have been pondering if men and women can truly just be friends.  I suppose if that is all you have ever had between you, it would be possible.  What I am wondering about is if men and women that have been involved emotionally can remain friends?  Usually one of them still has feelings for the other one... how can this work?

I am questioning this as I have a very best friend... David....I know that deep in my heart I could not imagine life without him in it but I see how much strain it is that I put on myself.   I love him still, I see how I think and daydream about him.  What if we cannot get to the point where we can stay best friends?  What if the only way for me to move on is to let go of him?

That just brought tears to my eyes, to think that I could lose him completely.  Isn't the truth that I would rather have him in my life in some way, even if it wasn't the way I had hoped?  I wonder if this possible...?  Really possible or am I living in a dream that will ultimately come crashing down around me, destroying me totally.

I have never had anyone that I have loved so completely that I would rather have them as friends than to not have them at all.   Maybe that is the problem, I don't know how to separate my feelings so that I am not sad with us being apart.  I know sometimes I feel so sad and disappointed that all my hopes and dreams were taken away with us but the alternative is even more scary and sad, not having him in my life at all would devastate me.

I have people on both sides of the issue, some say we can always remain friends, close friends and others who say it isn't possible if I want to be able to move on.  The real question that has yet to be answered, is can the person who falls in love with me or him, handle that he and I would be close friends?

Would this be what tears us apart?  Or would our close friendship sustain us no matter what is thrown our way... I have more questions than answers and I am not sure I can ever get the answers without going through the process to find out.  I guess what I have to decide is am I willing to take the chance and find out for sure?  Or am I too afraid of what pain it could bring?

I am hoping it won't be difficult down the road because I know it could destroy me to not have him in my life right now.  He is my cheering section, he makes me laugh and smile more than anyone else.  We get each other totally... we truly are soul mates.  We want the other to be as happy as they possibly can, even if it is not with us, I love him that much.

Faith Is Being Certain

I've been out of sorts for the past day.  Feeling anxious, frustrated and fearful.  I don't know why I allow myself to feel that when I know deep down that everything will work out as it should.  I guess I wasn't having enough faith that it will work out perfectly.  I have to sit back, relax and enjoy the journey, it will lead me to where I want and need to be. 

I lost my way for a bit, damn fear... then again, without fear we can't move ahead and grow to our potential.  It's me that limits my growth, the fear is there to show me changes are coming. If I think of it that way, it can be exciting... I just need to have faith and believe.

I have known for a long time where I should be, I've just been too rebellious to follow.  I needed to go back to church, I finally humbled myself and I went back. It's been wonderful being back, the people there are loving, kind and forgiving.  I am grateful to my friends who supported me in going back, especially people who who have their own beliefs.  I always let people have their own beliefs and I am thankful my friends are the same way.

I'm such a teenager in my mentality sometimes, I want what I want, when I want it.  When I don't get it immediately, I stomp off and go my own way. Really?  I need to change that attitude, it holds me back from growing and having what I ultimately want.  All of this comes down to faith, I need to trust and believe that I will have exactly what I need at the right time.  My tangents have only brought pain and sorrow, hopefully I've finally learned that lesson;). 

For today as this is all I have, I will have faith, be happy, be grateful, be loving and kind. I will live in the present!   The past is gone and cannot be changed, my future isn't written yet, it will come from the way I live my present.

The Obstacle Of Fear

 Every time I think I'm okay, I get in a melancholy mood.  For some reason I'm there now; I'm trying to figure out how to pull myself out of it.  I want to understand why I allow people's actions towards me to define how I feel.  Either that or something beyond amazing is going to happen for me and I'm in this sad doubtful mood, where I should be remaining   positive and upbeat.

I am so upbeat all the time, I guess it's inevitable that I am sad once in a while, right?  Really people cannot be happy all the time, I am happy a good 95% of the time.  I also dislike being afraid, I know fear just means I'm meant to grow but damn, it's scary, really scary. I don't want someone or something to choose my path, I want to be the one that does that.

I know, I know... that's me being a control freak, I cannot know what the future holds, I need to remain strong and positive and go with the flow. Apparently I don't know what's best for me, as much as I think I do.

I have been trying so hard to just feel my feelings and deal with the pain when it comes, instead of covering the pain with eating, etc.  So far so good, I guess we all have to be challenged to see if we'll pass.  It's scary because the first thing I thought of was doing something to take the pain away. That made me cry to think I haven't grown as much as I'd hoped.

Then again maybe I have grown, I blogged instead, maybe there's hope for me after all. It's possible I will get over or through the huge challenges ahead. I just don't like that my mind went to my old thought patterns, those actions certainly never made me happy.

Laughter Can Be Infectious

     1.  Laughter helps boost your immune system... by increasing T cell activity, those "killer cells" that help our bodies fight viruses and tumors.

     2.  Laughter helps lower blood pressure... and cortisol levels, decreases pain and can also help stabilize blood sugar.

     3.  Laughter stimulates chemical changes in the brain... that helps buffer our bodies against the cumulative effects of stress.

     4.  Laughter burns a few extra calories... according to a recent university study, just ten or fifteen minutes worth of chuckles throughout the day can burn up to forty calories.

     5.  Laughter stimulates the release of endorphin's... the mood-elevating brain chemicals behind the "runner's high."

     6.  Laughter helps reduce inflammation throughout the body... good news for your heart, brain and circulatory health.

     7.  Laughter "massages" internal organs... which is why it's sometimes referred to as "internal jogging" ~ with effects similar to exercise.

     8.  Laughter provides a light workout... for the heart, lungs, diaphragm and even the abdominal muscles.

     9.  Laughter releases tension in the muscles... of the face, neck, shoulders and abdomen ~ all common areas where we tend to hold lots of tension.

     10. Laughter is physically and mentally therapeutic... an involuntary response, that positively alters mood instantly.  What could be better?

     Dr. Lipman

I read this today in one of the blogs I get in my email and I loved how it listed all the awesome reasons to laugh, not that I need any excuses or ideas ;)  I laugh so much now that people often wonder if I am on something... I am not... I am just a very happy person.  I think it is kind of funny when someone is happy and people think there is something wrong with them.

I have always had a unique laugh and I don't hold back when something sets me off,  I giggle often and I truly enjoy letting go.  I think we all need to find more reasons to laugh and smile, it can certainly make you much happier.  I know that since I have made a conscious decision daily to be as happy as I possibly can, I find it easier to laugh even more.

Also, I surround myself with people who love to laugh as well... Every night David and I talk on line, we are continually laughing about something, making jokes with each other.  We work on uplifting the other one up, I wish we could all be more like this, it feels great.

I used to be the negative type and very unhappy... I must have been very difficult to be around.  I am so grateful that I finally learned that my behavior defines my attitude.  Now after reading this list of reasons to laugh.  I am not sure people can handle that... oh well, lol :D

Accepting My Own Strengh

I have found that I am stronger than I ever knew.  So many times over the years, I felt I was weak and incapable of dealing with the endless challenges I have had.

I just had to learn to deal with the challenges with a better attitude.  When I was dreading each one that came along, it only became more difficult to handle.

The other night I was doing laundry and when I walked into the kitchen, the floor was flooded with water, the sink had decided to plug up when I was doing the wash.  The old me would have freaked out, cried and felt overwhelmed beyond.  Instead I just laughed, threw down some towels and thought oh well, the floor needed to be washed.

That flood helped me to finally get started on cleaning, now I feel a little more motivated to get organized.  I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, there is always a light.... sometimes it difficult to see but I've always known that things and life can change on a dime.

Although I am strong, I am soft inside.  I don't always show that to everyone, I don't want people to think that I am weak.  When I cry in public it is more because I am frustrated.  When I am home and cry, it is because I feel sad inside.   Yes... I feel sad inside sometimes; I am normal....  There is nothing wrong with allowing people to see this side of me, it's just embarrassing to let go, when it shouldn't be at all.

We all have a different set of challenges; we should never judge ourselves by what other people have to deal with, we only need to deal with our own things and support each other.  Everyone just wants to know they are loved and heard.  I know this is what I want, the simple things in life.

Being Brave In The Face Of Fear

What I have come to learn over the years is that fear isn't real, it is imagined.  In the past when I was afraid, I refused to do things.  I was so shy when I was younger, I didn't know how to open up and talk to people.  I made a conscious decision when I was 25 years old to extend myself and be open.

I have to tell you, it was one of the best choices I have ever made, I can talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere.  I have met some really wonderful people by changing my fear of getting to know people.  If I had stayed in my comfort zone, I would have missed some really amazing friendships.

For a number of years, too many for me to even think of.  I was terrified to let myself love again.  When I was 23, I had fallen in love and when it ended, I stayed in my shell, refusing to take a chance with anyone else.  The pain of losing that so called love was too difficult.  I finally took a chance to love again and it was more amazing than I had ever believed. It has taught me that I always need to be open, no matter the pain that can come from it.

I know that I will have fears in the future that I will overcome but I have learned from my past experiences that although it is difficult to overcome my fears, it is NOT impossible.  Nothing is impossible, I just have to keep my mind open, take a deep breath and exhale... I am strong, I can handle what comes my way.  I am not just a survivor, I am a woman who thrives and grows from challenges.

I have noticed many people who have let the hardships and challenges of life bring them down.  Life is not about just surviving, it is about enjoying yourself and being happy.  The quicker we learn this, the happier we can be. 

Choices, Chances, Changes

I read this quote today and it made me think about the choices I have made in my life, I also thought about the choices I have to make.  Those future choices are the hardest ones, I have made all the other ones.

I stopped numbing myself in numerous ways... I made the choice, I took the chance and I found that I could change.  I wasn't sure it was possible... it was and it actually feels amazing.

The most difficult choice that I have to make is ahead of me and it is the most scary one.  Does that mean if make that decision, that I will be able to say someday that it was the best decision I made?  Or will I look back and always wonder if I made the wrong choice?

This is not a simple choice, it isn't as easy as saying a clear cut yes or no... I wish it was... it would be so much simpler.  There is no right answer, each choice looks painful.  If I stay on the way that I am, I am pretty sure it will keep me from growing and finding what I need.  But if I choose the other way, I will be so broken hearted that I am not sure I will be able to handle the pain.  It will be like cutting out my heart... I am terrible at making decisions; hence why I let everyone else make them for me.

Here's the crazy thing, when other people make my decisions for me, I get indignant and say who do they think they are telling me what to do?  Really... I'm an adult.  Am I?  Am I really an adult?  I might be an adult in age but I am just like a teenager inside, I want what I want and I don't want anyone telling me otherwise.  Then when it all blows up in my face as it inevitably does, I blame other people.  Really?  I am not acting like an adult there... I have to own up to my decisions and live with the consequences.  As painful as they might be.

I keep thinking I will make this choice when I am ready, the truth is are we ever really ready to make a change?  We can either make it ourselves or it will be made for us. I believe that we are all here for a purpose, each one of us has a path that we need to be on so that we can arrive at that purpose and it doesn't stop there.  Once we know what our purpose is, we then need to keep progressing, there is never a time that you can say, that's it, I'm here...

On a good note, I am taking a four week class to figure out why I do some of the things I do... one session has been quite the eye opener.  I am pretty sure I am going to have to face my worse fear, I guess I will be ready to handle it either way, otherwise I wouldn't have signed up for it.  This is not a fluff course, this is a wake up call, maybe that is why I decided to take it...  I keep proving to myself that I am stronger than I think, I don't just survive, I thrive and grow immensely from each challenge.

Well, only time will tell... I know I will make a choice one way or the other... I just hope when I make it that I don't look back and say what if...

Body Image

With all the changes I have made in the past six to eight weeks, one of them was unconscious at first.  I hadn't been feeling very well for about a week.  After the week, I made a conscious decision to think more about when I was eating.  I stopped eating late at night.  If I get hungry I might eat a piece of fruit.

I didn't stop eating food I liked, I just stopped eating it in excess at night.  For the past five weeks, my body has been trained that it isn't hungry at night.  I do eat in the day time.  I also gave up tea at work which I used massive amounts of cream in, to make it taste good.  Once I gave this up, I really started to feel better; I only drink water or herbal tea at work.

The reason I wanted to blog about this is that my whole life has been about how I have felt about my body.  I was in a house fire when I was 15 months old and severely burned.  I was extremely conscious of this when I was a teenager; I always thought this would keep someone from loving me.  Also my ex step mother Ruth was on my case all the time about my weight, she would tell me I was fat often.  One incident that stands out was when I was 12 years old, I weighed 107 pounds and I was 5'6", she grabbed my stomach and said look how fat you are?

All I can say is wow and unbelievable; I was NOT fat, even when I was in grade 10 and I weighed 123 pounds, I was NOT fat.  I had an awesome figure, I was curvy.  It was hard to realize that when I was that young and then having someone destroy your self image was extremely difficult to get over.  I ended up proving her right.

I no longer have those words in my head, I might be a heavy girl but I am a beautiful, curvy and sexy woman.  I have lost 22 pounds in the past five weeks by just changing some behaviors.  I am also going to start exercising, I have a gym pass at work and I have used excuse after excuse to not use it.  Basically I allowed people's words to resonate in my head.

My new motto is to listen to only people who love me and think that I am wonderful and amazing.  There are many people like this in my life, David showed me that, I am incredibly grateful that he showed up in my life when he did, I was on a long dark path, he lightened the path back to where I needed to be.  He showed me in words and behavior that I was beautiful and worth it.  He believed in me and showed me that I could believe in myself too.

So, I am down 22 pounds and I am more than determined to keep going.  I had to learn to love myself so that I am to be able to move forward on this journey of weight loss.  It might take me a couple of years but I don't care, I am committed to me.

Forgiveness Is For Me

Forgiveness is something that I learned a long time ago, I was 15 when I understood that forgiveness was not for the person who hurt me, it was for me.  I have already blogged about my ex step mother who was unbelievably abusive.

I remembered one night she was really angry at me, she asked me how I really felt about her, I told her for the first time in my life that I hated her, I really hated her.  She was so upset with me that she smacked me in the head with a wooden clog.  Not too long after that she wanted me to tell her something, I refused and she threatened to get the rifle my father owned as she was going to shoot me.

I remember thinking that the whole thing was surreal and I stood up for myself and freaked out and told her, go ahead, shoot me... I don't care.  I didn't care in that moment, I was so sick of all the abuse.  Sick of being afraid, tired of her hurling insult after insult.  She was and is a psychotic perfectionist who had the need to control whoever she could and the children that came in contact with her were hurt over and over.

Soon after the rifle issue, I started to pray every night, I prayed that I would be free of her... I no longer hated her or wished ill thoughts on her.  I actually felt sorry for her because I was young, my life ahead of me; she was old and unhappy.  I prayed for nearly six months that I would be free of all her tyranny.  Finally, my opportunity came and I walked out of there without a nasty thought for her.  I believed in karma which is basically the law of attraction, I just didn't know what it was that I believed in until many years later.

If you hurt people, it always comes back on you, I would never ever wish for anyone to have to deal with pain but I see that it happens over and over.  My thought is that I will never be the one to dole out the pain, at least not on purpose, I try very hard not to wish nasty things on people, I don't like feeling like that or thinking like that.  Although I wish no ill will on my ex step mother, I actually had to forgive her for all the horrible things she did to me so that I could move on and not be a victim.  I have not always done well with forgiveness but I try over and over to remember that forgiveness is not for the other person and it is not like I have to be friends with that person but I needed to forgive for me to grow.

Is there anyone that you need to forgive so that you can grow?  I am here to attest that holding on to anger will only bring you down.  The other person could care less if you have nasty thoughts about them, they are so angry and sad, they can only see their own pain. If you think about this, it's very sad... somewhere a long the line they have been hurt and instead of rising above it, they take it out on others.  I have always wanted to rise above the pain, understanding that I am not defined by my past, I don't have to live there.  I am not doomed to repeat the past, neither were they, they chose to repeat it.

Amazing Best Friends

Best Friends
I know I blog about David a lot but he is my best friend, he makes me smile just to think of him.  When I read this quote last week, it made me think of him immediately, this kind of friend is difficult to find in this lifetime.  My soul has searched my whole life for a friend just like this and I was so very happy that David was the one who filled that longing of mine.

What's even better is that he feels the same way I do, he knows that I would do anything for him.  He has been there for me with every twist and turn in the past six plus months.  With every change I have made, he has been my personal cheering section, even small ones, he continues to encourage me along this path I have chosen.

I know that I have been blessed throughout my life with fabulous friends, all of them women; who are amazing.  Now I have been fortunate enough to find my soul mate friend.  He is the one that I can tell anything to and I do mean anything.  In the past while, he has seen me at my best and my worst; when I have been down, he's been there for me, without an ounce of judgment. We all need to learn to be more that like that.

When people hurt my friends, I want to block the pain they feel, I almost want to take the pain on for them, even though I know I can't.  It is like when your children are sick or sad, you wish so hard you could take on their challenges but you know you cannot or you will take away their progression.  They need the challenges to grow themselves.  I just have to pray that they will be strong enough to get through whatever life throws them.

I'm sure David feels this way about me, he feels powerless when I am in pain; I know this because we are connected and I feel the same way.  Since I know what a kind, loving man that he is, it breaks my heart to think anyone would feel the need to hurt him, he's so wonderful and soft hearted.  To think that anyone could not see how fantastic he is, makes me sad.

I have come to learn over the years that when people hurt you, it is only because they are hurting too and they just give in and project their pain onto other people.  It surely doesn't make it right but I understand them, they don't know how strong they are, so they do all they can to empty the pain.  I have done that in other ways, more hurting myself then people.

That doesn't mean that I think it is right to hurt other people because you are hurt.  I have had unbelievable challenges in my life, when I felt like I couldn't deal with them, I tried to cover the pain with things. However; I have learned that no amount of covering works, I just have to deal with it, something I finally learned from David.  He says he was just along for the ride and that I have done all the work. That might be true but if he hadn't helped me to see that, I may never have got on the path.

I love each and everyone of my friends, they have all taught me lessons and helped me to grow.  I think they are so amazing and I have been blessed to have known them.  It is just extra special when you find your soul mate friend, it is like you have found a part of yourself that you have been missing all your life. 

I Just Need One Reason It Will Work

I love this quote, it reminds me that when I am constantly coming up with excuses why I cannot do something I am afraid to fail at; all I have to do is come up with the one reason why it will work.  There is always one reason.

I am going to focus on the one reason I know I can do things.  Just because something is going to be hard work does not mean that it is impossible.  I have been taking on a lot of new things, I just want to challenge myself, I don't want it all to be easy, I know that if I don't get outside of my comfort zone, I will never progress and really, all I want to do is grow to my potential.

Now that I am back at church, every time I think I don't want to do that, I do it now.  I do it with a good attitude and I am pleasantly surprised at how good it feels.  The past me, found not stop excuses and I would never commit completely.

With work, I finally signed up for my CPA course and I will take the second one immediately after this one.  I am going to have to be organized and study every night.  I cannot cram these courses and do well in them.  I am saving my accounting course for last as I know I will do well in it, I have always excelled in this before.

I have found non stop excuses to not exercise, those are going too, I am just going to force myself to get out until it becomes a habit.  Once I am used to it, I am sure it can be fun, I enjoyed it in the past.  I just gave it up because I wasn't in the right head space.  No more excuses and I will believe in myself.

Mainly I am not giving up on love, I know it can be really painful when the feelings don't get returned.  I am not going to be afraid to keep trying, I will stay open no matter how many times I may feel rejected. I deserve to have love, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be happy.  If some guy doesn't see that, that just means he isn't the right one.  I won't take it personally.

Expectations And Worth

I read this quote this morning and it resonated with me.  I wish that every parent could read this and teach this to their children. I am going to have this put into a frame and give it to Valentina to remind her of her worth.  Somehow my oldest knew her worth and didn't accept less for herself, she ended up marrying her best friend, a man who loves her and treats her with the utmost respect.  Although her husband Paul did not have the best parents, he somehow knew how to treat a woman.  He loves my daughter and is very respectful of her, I am so grateful that Andrea and Paul followed their hearts and overcame their childhoods to find each other.

I want Valentina to feel this and always remember she is special and deserves only the best as well.  I have not always known this for myself, I never knew my worth, I accepted much less then I deserved.  David changed all that for me in the past six months and now I can never accept less than the best without turning my back on what I know to be true.  I am special too, I deserve to have someone who loves me and thinks I am incredible.  Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't any of us deserve this?  The only reason is our fear that holds us back from our true worth.

Not everyone is as lucky and strong as Paul and Andrea, we as parents have to teach our children their self worth until they believe in themselves.  I know that I have not been the best mother due to my own upbringing; however; I cannot use that excuse to not work on being a better mother.  I know better, that means I have to work to be better.  I love the quote that says, "when you know better, you do better".  This quote is so true and inspiring, to me this means I cannot continue to beat myself up for past mistakes but it also means I cannot continue on that path because I do know better.

I love my two daughters and I think they are beyond amazing and so strong.  I have been blessed to have 2 wonderful daughters who teach me daily that although I am not the best mother, they love me and I adore them.  I will continue to strive to be a better mother, a better friend and a better person by continuing to grow and believe in myself.  Otherwise, I cannot expect this from my children, if I don't expect it from myself.

Gaining My Independence Back

Although I am 100% disgusted with the bus drivers, the union and the city for the deal they made that favors the greedy union and drivers.  I am still incredibly grateful that I will be independent once again.  Being able to be self reliant will be fantastic, it means I will be able to start exercising at work in the morning.  I am looking forward to that, I know it will give me a boost of energy.

It also means that Valentina will be home, I miss her little chatter and she misses being home so much.  I know Cindy will miss having her so much but she can still go for short visits, just no weeks at a time anymore. 

I am on track in so many ways, the only thing left is getting this house cleaned and organized.  I really wish Peter Walsh could come to my house and help me to get rid of a good 80% of the stuff I have in my house, lol.  I just want to feel relaxed when I come home.  It doesn't have to be perfect but it needs to have some semblance of order.

I am just going to have to take the cleaning one day at a time, one room at a time and just clear out as much stuff as I possibly can.  I won't have an issue with getting rid of things but I know that Valentina will have problems giving up many of her items.  However; she has to learn now that having stuff is not what makes a person happy.  Many people think that is the way but all they do is get more and more items and it never fills them up.

I want to simplify my life so that I can be comfortable when I come home and I won't be freaked out if someone just wants to drop by for a visit.  Also, if I am organized I can exercise more and do many other things that will help me to grow either physically, emotionally and spiritually.   Right now the clutter just suffocates me.

I am not going to let it over whelm me like I have.  Otherwise, I will never clear the clutter out, I need to take things just one day at a time. 

Decisive Changes

I know that I have some really tough decisions to make in the near future.  I know they are going to be incredibly painful but I accept the choices I have to make will have to come one way or the other.  It will either have to be my choice or it will be made for me.  I am hoping that I am strong enough to make it myself.

It's sort of like that saying at church I've heard, we either humble ourselves which can be painful or Heavenly Father humbles us which is so much more difficult to deal with; either way, it happens.  This is totally my decision on how it comes to pass but only for a time, it will be taken out of my hands if I don't deal with this soon.

I have been one of those people that has always allowed other individuals to make my decisions, that way I could sort of blame the other person.  I can't do that anymore and be accountable to myself.  The truth is that however it all comes to pass, I can blame no one but me.  The question here is if I want to be in control of my own destiny? 

Am I strong enough to do what I need to do?  If I want to grow, I have to be.  I have to put my faith in Heavenly Father, He honestly knows what is best for me.   Maybe what I fear losing is only that a fear, maybe I need to deal with the fear and it will disappear with all the other fears I have dealt with in the past month.

I am more powerful than I knew, otherwise there is no way I could have handled all the difficult changes I have made in the past month.  This is going to be much harder than all of those put together.  David is right about me, I am strong, I can handle what life throws my way; I have proven it time and time again.

Sometimes we have to be willing to give up what is most important to us to have what we really need.  That's the hardest ones to deal with but it's part of life.  I have always been considered tenacious and persistent,  when I want something, I rarely give up... until I am forced to.  Or until I realize that it really wasn't worth it.

Keeping A Promise To Myself

With all the changes I have made in the past month, I have made promises to myself,  promises I want to keep.  I have been great at keeping promises I make to other people but in the past I have not felt it necessary to keep them with myself.  That came from a lack of respect for myself,  I now expect more.  If I can make a promise to other people and keep them, then I can surely think enough of myself to do it for me.

One thing I have promised myself over the years was to exercise and lose weight.  I always start out with good intentions and then I give up allowing myself to fail.  There it is, I give up... me...  I don't keep a committed promise to myself.  It's as if I didn't think I was worthy enough to do this for me.   I have changed now, I know that I am worthy of the work it will take to lose the weight.

No more excuses,  I am going make a real commitment to myself.  First, I found out it takes about 15-20 minutes to walk to Halifax Shopping Center, so I am going to walk over there in the morning to catch the bus for work.  Then I am going to work out in the gym at work for at least 30 minutes a day.  Once I am comfortable with that, I will add more exercise in the evening.  The weather will be great by the time I am comfortable with doing this.

I have already started eating better, more vegetables and fruit.  I don't eat to deal with pain now.  When I do, I realize it right away and because I do, I can't continue.  I have to be present in how I deal with my feelings now, otherwise I will fall back into my old ways and break another promise to myself.  That is not me any longer, I have been making one promise after another and keeping each and everyone of them.

I am worth it, we are all worth making a promise to ourselves and keeping it, we just have to take the step.  I made that first step tonight.

I Always Had The Power

I've been thinking about all the changes I have made in the last little while.  I remember believing as little as 6 months ago that it would be impossible to make all the changes I needed to make.  That was just because I didn't trust myself enough to know that I could alter my behavior and choices whenever I wanted to, all I had to do was accept that I am in control of me.

I just needed to have someone see the best in me, someone who wouldn't say that how I was acting was okay but someone who wouldn't judge me, just love me and understand that all I really needed was to be heard and loved.  You know what feels really good,  having no secrets anymore.  I have other peoples secrets and that is fine but I have finally let my best and closest friend see the real me and he still loves me.

It was exactly what I needed to alter my thoughts and realize that I was letting secrets keep me hostage.  Now I am free and so happy that I finally see that my past behavior doesn't define me but I do see where I allowed it go on much longer than it should have because I felt I had no choice. 

Now that I have allowed myself to realize that I am the only one that is in control of my life, it feels like a darkness has been lifted.  I have often wondered what my purpose was in this life, I think part of it is to show other people that they are in control of their lives and they can make the changes needed to have a better life, without judging them in any way.

I always had the power, it was inside me. 

My Turn Will Come

I went to church today and we had a speaker that resonated with me.  He wanted us to think about how we are appearing to each other and people around us.  When someone asks me how I am, I say "fabulous",  "fantastic", "wonderful"...etc...  Here is the thing, do I feel this way all the time, no but deep inside most times I really do.  I feel blessed, grateful, lucky to be where I am at in my life.

This doesn't mean everything is peachy keen... that would be unrealistic but the core of me is very, very happy.  We all have days where we are not ourselves, mine was Friday night.  Did I wallow in that?  No, I didn't.  Do I think this makes me better than other people?  No, I am weak in so many ways, I could not even count all the ways.

For me though, I want to be happy and uplifting, it takes less effort to be this way.   I don't want to just survive, I want to thrive.   I want to be an example of being happy and excited for life.  There is so much to offer the world when we are positive.  The more grateful and happy we are, the more we attract that back to ourselves.

For any person who thinks that it is too hard, it is only too hard because you are not willing to step outside your comfort zone.  Once you get out there and expand you emotions, you will see just how easy it is.  It is so worth it.

One thing I don't want to be again, is someone who says... poor me, look at how rough my life is, please take pity on me.  Seriously, I feel empathy for every human being but my life was not the least bit easier than other people I know.  I am not saying that you don't have the right to express how your life was not perfect.  Who's is ?   Mine was difficult but I refuse to be a victim of my past.  Being a victim of my past, leaves me in the past... I want to live in the present.

Could you imagine if we changed our way that we dealt with each other daily, where we smiled and said uplifting things to each other.  Can you see how this would change us, change the people we meet everyday.  I'm here to tell you that, sure some people think I am odd but I don't care, I refuse to be anything less then I am.  I will smile and laugh because the truth is that I am happy inside.

Outer pressures might penetrate the inner me at times but I don't let them live there.  When I know someone is hurting or using the people I love, I change that around and I pray for them, pray that they will see the good in the people I love and change their behavior.   Think about this, what good has EVER come from tearing another person down?  Has this really ever made you happy?  This behavior has never made me happy.

I realized that it was me who was unhappy inside and for a time I was selfish and thought why me?  Why can't I have whatever?  You know what I say now?  I say, I am really happy for the person who has what I want, I am grateful for them.  I don't envy them, my turn will come.  

Truthful Emotions

This blog is about how I feel at any given time, I am honestly one of the most happy, positive and upbeat people.  I smile, laugh and generally I'm very uplifting.  It is not like I never feel sad, that wouldn't be normal... if I never felt sad,  I would wonder if I was hiding my feelings even from myself.

I have used numerous things in life to stop myself from feeling pain, sadness, loneliness.  Not one of them have worked, working through my feelings is the only thing I can do.  I see why I have tried to cover them, it is downright difficult to feel them.  I know it is better that I do but wow, some feelings are overpowering.

Since I have changed how I dealt with my emotions in the past month, I have no where to hide, I have to cope with my real feelings.  Last night I slipped up and ate more than I should have.  I knew instantly why I was doing it, so I talked to my very best friend David.  I ended up crying myself to sleep and then I woke up crying.

I told my best friend that I have felt like I was alone and that I had no one to confide in except for him and he is far away from me right now.  Not far away emotionally but by distance.  I know I always have him to talk to no matter what.  I've never been so close to anyone in my life and I am beyond feeling gratitude for that.  I know if I didn't have him right now,  I'm sure I would probably not even be able to get out of bed.

I get up each day, smile, go to work, laugh.  Come home, work on myself through seminars and reading.  Sleep, then do it all over again.  I guess I have been filling my days to capacity with whatever I can do, so that I don't have to deal with the sadness I feel.  Only thing about that is if I continue on that way, something always comes along that shows me,  I'm not hiding it too well.

In the past 8 hours, I have felt alone, sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed.... I don't like feeling this way,  I feel like I have no control over how I am reacting.  Even though my closest friend in the world is far away in miles, I know I have him there at anytime to tell him what I am going through, I could never be thankful enough for that.  I shudder to think where I would be if he had not showed up in my life when he did.

Part of what I am feeling is that my very best friend in the world wants only the best for me, he doesn't want me to settle for less than the best.  Yet I feel like he is settling for less than what he deserves.  I don't know why he feels that I deserve the best in my life but he doesn't.  That makes me sad, very sad.  He has helped me to see that I am just as wonderful and amazing as he has told me all along.  I wish he would understand that he is one of the most kind and amazing human beings I have ever known.

I think it is funny how people have such wonderful insight into other peoples lives yet they cannot apply it to their own lives.  Oh well, all I can do is be the best me,  I cannot make other people understand why they settle, I can only figure out why I have settled and change that behavior so that I never settle again.  Maybe that is what I have to do,  live my best life.... let him and other people see how wonderful and fantastic it is, so they will want that too.

What I Deserve

 Last night I took an online seminar.  One of the questions that was asked of us was that we should write a list of what we are looking for in a mate.

I have used this method to get a job, the one I currently hold.  My list was that I made no less then a certain amount of money, it could not be more than an hour in traveling on the bus, it had to be Monday to Friday and I wanted 9-5.  The job I have now, paid more than what I had on the list, it was Monday to Friday, it takes about 45 minutes to an hour to get to work on a bus and it was 10:00-6:00.  It is now 9:30-5:30. 

I also used it for my apartment, I didn't have a desire for a gorgeous place to live, I needed something I could feel comfortable in, I wanted something centrally located, hard wood floors, bottom level, no one under me, a front and back door with a yard and I wanted it all for $650.00 per month.  I got this place I am living in now, it has everything I wanted, only the rent was $675.00.  I couldn't turn that down.

Now, I need to make a list of what I am looking for in a mate. I want them to be kind, funny, considerate, a great kisser, someone who loves to snuggle, he holds a good job [if I do, he has to:)], gentle, loving, he has to make me feel butterflies, he has to be my best friend, I have to feel safe with him, I want him to be my soul mate, I want someone who is adventurous, who wants to travel and do things they may never have thought they would ever do.  I want him to love only me.

I know this is a long list, but I deserve the best, I am willing to give my best to be able to have him as my soul mate.   I don't expect perfection as I am NOT perfect.  I have already found him, he is perfect for me, he gets how quirky I am.  Just one thing is missing, he doesn't love just me.  That's a huge thing but he is honest about it. 

Right now, I am not ready to move on but I am going to take this time to work on me, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I want to be the best me that I can be when the time is right for me to have my soul mate in my life.  I don't feel that it will be a long way off. 

Things are changing quickly and I know I'm on the right path.  I just have to be patient and I have to do what I need to, to be ready when he is ready for me. The time will be right, I believe. 

You Truly Know You Love Someone, Even If They Are Not With You

I had very little sleep last night, a great big 90 minutes, I ended up being overly giddy at work all day, I laughed so much.  I am grateful that I can see the good even when life doesn't go my way.  Who knows what the future holds, I just have to believe that ultimately down the road everything will work out the way it is supposed to.... worrying about it won't change it.

I am in control of my emotions and I have to say it feels good.  It can be hard to handle at times but I always get through the rough times by remembering that hard times always end.  The difficult times are just challenges that actually help me to grow.  I need to get out of my comfort zone, otherwise I will never reach my full potential.

I have even forgiven the people who have been in my life and hurt me for absolutely no reason, Ruth... my ex step mother.  I forgive her, it doesn't mean that I forget how degrading she was but I don't want her to have any power over my present or future.  Andrey... my soon to be ex husband.  I forgive him, I am free from all the hurtful words he said and he no longer has any control over me or any of my emotions.

I have been thinking about what love really is, for me it is wanting someone to be happy even if they are not with me.  It doesn't stop me from loving them but I know I could never be happy if I made it difficult for the person that I love.  Also, I have no desire to be nasty or think terrible thoughts of anyone.

I only want to give love out to the world because anything less would only leave me empty.  The more love I give out, the more that is returned to me.  I am hoping more people get that concept, if we just loved each other more, judged each other a little less... this world would be beyond amazing. 

Three Questions

I took my online lesson last night and I had three questions that were posed to me.  I've had a little time to think about them and here are my answers:

What am I looking for?

I am looking to love myself so that I can give love to others.

How do I plan to get it? 

I plan to study good books, have positive and uplifting people in my life and to continually strive to be as happy as is humanly possible.

What do I hope to feel from it?

I hope to feel that I have helped other people to find their happiness potential, this will fulfill me.  

I know when I helped a very sweet friend of mine when they were in need.  I did it because they needed to know someone cared about them.  I didn't nor do I care about the money aspect.  I did it because I felt prompted and I don't regret helping them at all.  I feel grateful that I could help them.  I would do it again with no questions asked. I want to be like this in all aspects of my life, I want to follow the promptings I have.

That is not always easy, so many excuses get in the way, like... I don't have the money, I don't have the time, there is someone else who can do it better, etc...  Whatever the excuse, they are just excuses.  If I am to live up to my potential and I want to, I need to follow the promptings that are given to me and not come up with excuse after excuse.

Yesterday I received an email from one of my uplifting blogs, it questioned if I needed a happiness boost?  I kind of smiled, I always think I can improve but it made me laugh too as people at work already think I am or act too happy as it is.  Really, someone can act too happy??  I'm like this nearly everyday of my life, I smile and laugh constantly.  Why is that so odd to people?  Why aren't they happy for me?  I guess it isn't for me to understand why people wouldn't want another human being to be so happy.

I guess I see things differently, I like being happy, I like to smile, I like to be as positive as I possibly can be. Does this mean I can't be sad sometimes??  No, I am human after all but I no longer wallow in it as if I'm a victim.  I'm not a victim, yes I've had terrible life changing experiences but those things don't define who I am.  Just like people do not define my happiness, I was happy before them and I will be happy without them in the future.   I have learned a great deal about myself in the last month.

First, I am stronger than I thought I was, I can rely on myself.  I found this out when David had an intense course and I was unable to talk to him as much as I have.  Was that difficult, yes... it was very hard.  He's the person I can go to when I need to feel safe and when I need to have someone be real yet understanding.  He doesn't tell me what I want to hear, he tells me what I need to hear but without an ounce of judgement.

Second, I am more than capable of changing my thought process. The way I felt before was that it was all too much, how could I get passed the way I had been living.... just change and forgive myself. I am a good person who did not always make great choices, that doesn't make me a bad person.  I am now making better choices, all of this in four weeks.

Third, I decided that I deserved to invest in myself... what does that mean, it means I am worth the time to figure out my purpose and do all that I can to live it. 

There are many lessons that I have learned and will continue to learn, life is journey of lessons.  It depends on if we want to learn them and move on, or stagnate and continue the lesson over and over. I have a done a lot of the latter, it isn't fun having to repeat the same thing over and over until I finally go oh... that was what I was supposed to learn.  It is awesome when I finally get it though and instead of saying why did I take so long?  I say I got it now.


 I just read this and I thought wow, it was exactly what I've been thinking:

Worthiness speaks the language of your soul, mirroring what you believe to be true at the core of your being.  Also, until you fully embrace your worthiness, what you deserve cannot come to pass.

I'm laying in bed, pondering all the changes that I've made in the last couple of months.  All for the good, not one of them was easy. I suppose change isn't meant to be simple, just worth it as they say.

When I look back on the road I've traveled for many years, I see the lost girl I was.  I never gave up though, I always believed.  I'm very happy with each step I've taken along the path, seeing that yes I can make it, with hard work and determination, I will succeed.   I'm not on this road alone, I have many people who believe in me, praying for me and loving me.  I got up and spoke in church today, it was easier than I thought, not that I wasn't nervous because I was;).  It really felt good to say what I felt.

I meant each and every word, the path that I was on was scary, I was positive that I was and always would be too unworthy to ever go back to church.  Heavenly Father knew better, he gave me David.  I never believed that one person could change my whole perspective on life so quickly. There isn't anyone else who could have got through to me, no one I would have believed more.  David is and always has been one of the most honest people I have ever known.  When he says I am wonderful and amazing, I can't argue with him, he doesn't lie.  Since I know he doesn't lie, I could no longer live a mediocre life, I have to step up to the plate and give it my best; live up to my true potential. 

I am grateful for so many people who never gave up on me, mostly I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who has loved me all along.  He must love me or he never would have placed the right people into my life.  People who finally made me see my true worthiness.  I'm embracing my worthiness, I want all my blessings.  I am so grateful for each and every blessing I have in my life.  Mainly I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father, my family, my friends and David.

Letting Go

I'm so excited as I've been taking a class on line that is about love, why we choose the way we do and why we settle when we shouldn't.  Some of what is talked about is difficult to hear but I'm more than ready to hear it even if it brings some pain.  I'm sure it will bring me through the pain and to a better place.

When I think about where I was even 6 months ago, just floating along each day with no real purpose...   I know that everything that has come into my life has been there to help me to find my purpose.  Six months ago I was doing everything I could not to deal with the pain in my life, I thought it was easier to ignore the feelings.  That was never true, it was what I told myself so that I could do what I wanted.

Along came David, he challenged me to be my best. He believed only the best of me.  No, he doesn't think I'm perfect, lol.  Hardly, he just chooses to see the good in me.  Once I knew and believed this, I could not turn back to ignoring the truth.

Once I was back on the path to my purpose, I had to make changes. Difficult changes and I had to do them by myself (only because David was taking a course which left him very little time).  In this past month there were times I felt so alone but I'm not.  Even if David cannot be there for me as much as he wants, I know I'm in his thoughts and heart.

I've come to understand that I had to do this alone, I have to stand on my own two feet.  I've relied on everyone else to fix me, take care of me.  I'm the only one that can change me, I just had to change my mind. Sounds simple doesn't it but I know it's not when we are in our most difficult challenges.  Last night I made a choice to invest in myself and really work on my potential.  Am I scared, a little; but not so afraid not to try.  We are all here for a purpose, I want to know what mine is so that I can live up to all my potential.

So the topic here is letting go, I had to let go of things that I do to be where I should.  The same thing goes for people.  That poem is so true:  If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't it was never meant to be. Letting go of people is the most difficult thing, especially when we love them and know that they are meant to be with us. However; we cannot make choices for other people.  That is the hardest thing but the only way.

I'm letting go but I have great faith in the outcome.

Beauty Comes From Your Heart And Soul

I found a new singer that I love, Adele.  I know that most people have heard of her.  I don't listen to the radio though, my oldest daughter texted me that I should listen to a song that she felt was a song for David and me.  "One and Only", the words were absolutely beautiful.  I started checking her out on You Tube and found she sang songs that made me feel.  Another one that touched me deeply was "Make You Feel My Love", that song touched my soul, it really felt like it was written for David and me.

While looking up songs on You Tube, people leave comments and people can be so crude and cruel .  They were going on about her weight.  Really??  She is gorgeous and there is an inner beauty to her.  It made me question why people would feel the need to tear someone down.  My epiphany is that they are jealous, plain and simple... jealous.

What in the world does size have to do with beauty?  I have seen women who were considered beautiful to other people but they didn't have an inner beauty to me.  The outside of someone does not make them beautiful, it is there heart and soul that shines from within.

Surely we should take care of our outer bodies and be the best that we can be but having only that will not suffice in this life.  We are nothing if we don't work on our inner beauty of being kind, loving, non-judgmental and authentic.

I am a bigger curvy girl, I thought it was what held me back from having someone love me.  That has changed in the past 3 years, being sexy has nothing to do with size, that is all in how we feel about ourselves. I have had many men tell me I am sexy and believe me, those men were gorgeous.  Too bad I wasted so much of my youth thinking so little of myself, I have moved on from the past... we all should.

Being Who I Am

It is scary to open yourself up, to be honest about who you really are.  I mean... what if you tell someone all your innermost secrets and they laugh or ignore you or worse, they use those secrets against you.   When this happens because unfortunately it happens, since there is no way to be sure of a persons intent. We cannot allow these people to break our spirit or to stop us from opening up to the next person.

All people are not inherently bad or hurtful, I believe most people are good deep down.  I just think that some people allow the hurt that has happened to them to break them, to give them an excuse to hurt someone else.  I choose not to hurt someone just because I have been hurt, I choose to trust that most people are worth the chance.  No one can tear me down, except for me, for it is what I believe about myself that matters.

I have had many hurtful things said to me over the years, in the past I allowed those stories to become mine until a few years ago, I made the conscious choice to remember that just because someone says something mean and hurtful to me doesn't make it true.  The only way it can be true is if I believe it...

When I tell people that I have found my soul mate, that person that I can open up to about anything... they have a hard time believing it's true.  That is only because they have never met anyone they could open up to  so much.  I ask them straight out... have you EVER met anyone you can tell anything to?  They say, no.... I tell them, I have and it's amazing.  If I had allowed my past to shape me, I never would have found that person, I never would have believed people existed like that.

The next thing I ask is if they think they could tell all their innermost thoughts and secrets to someone and feel safe?  Most people have told me no.... they say that if they were to be that open, they fear that the people they love and care about would run away from them.  I actually think if we could be more honest and open with the people we love, that it would bring us closer to each other.

What is a relationship if you cannot be open, I don't want to live in fear of having someone that I love finding out something that would make them leave. Instead, I choose to be open and take the chance up front so that I won't be disappointed in the future.