If Not Now? Then When?

I had a really nice Christmas, Valentina was happy with her gifts. I had a few people over and I enjoyed all the food and company... it was really nice to share it with others... I think that's the best part of the holidays, visiting with each other and spending more time getting to know one another.

Saying all this I have been out of control with food, using any and every excuse from it's Christmas, it's a sad time for memories to I'm injured so why not? (basically feeling sorry for myself)... I kept telling myself I'll get back on track after this or after that. I lost focus and I didn't allow myself to see how far I have fallen. Not until a couple of days ago when I felt so uncomfortable that I could no longer ignore it.
This brings me to this blog post title: If Not Now? Then When? ... so I am not waiting until New Years or another predefined date, I am never successful with a date, I just have to do it and most of all I need to make a commitment to myself. So although I am not able to exercise the way I like to or need to, I am going to be accountable for my food. No matter what I eat, I will be tracking it in My Fitness Pal and I will be publishing it daily there.

I would love it if anyone of you wanted to join up there (my user name there is launnk) and work on your goals, even if you just want to maintain, it's a great way to stay healthy. I am and have always been about getting to and maintaining a healthy weight. It is not, nor will it ever be about losing a lot of weight. 
I'm a curvy girl and I love my curves... I have no plans to ever lose them all. We are all built with different shapes and sizes, I say celebrate it and love ourselves no matter what size or shape we are...however; feeling comfortable and healthy in our skin is important.

I don't want it to be an obsession, nor do I want to be so rigid that I feel like I am denying myself any food groups. This is going to be about portions and feeding my body the healthy food it needs and desires. Ever since I hurt my leg, I used it as an excuse..  then I kept thinking how I needed to get on track. Yesterday I thought, If Not Now? Then When? ... Now is the time.... 
post signature
Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Letting Go Of Self Judgment

A couple of incidents brought this post about, I have been thinking about it for the past year or so off and on but this week it has been at the forefront of my mind. With that it seemed like people were talking about it and writing about it more... I do believe that what you think about you draw to you. Saying that I don't think we draw overwhelming challenges or trials to us as I believe we all have them regardless. Some of us are just better at hiding how they affect us, I am not one of them... I am the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn't hold back, even if I may be judged for those feelings. 

However; saying all that I am also the girl who self judges all the time, I work so hard at trying not to judge others as I am always reminding myself that I don't know what is going on in their lives. When I was younger, I saw life more in black and white and made judgments against people but as I went through my challenges and gained a deeper understanding that we are all dealing with overwhelming trials, this helped me to judge others less. I often wished that I was one of those girls that could tuck away my feelings and show only the sunny side of life.
 I don't think it is wrong to show the sunny side or positive side of life, very few people want to be the negative person who brings others down. Truthfully, I don't want to be her either but I believe for me, saying how I feel, being my authentic self and showing others that even though I don't always handle my trials in life easily or with a big smile on my face... I still overcome and I never give up. Believe me there have been times I wanted to pack it in and say enough is enough but I know, really know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

No matter how difficult a trial is that comes into my life, I know that I will find a way around it... I might take the long path, the bumpy one that adds a few more challenges but deep inside, I don't let that give me a reason to ultimately fail. I used to say if I survived this or survived that, I can survive anything... then a bigger challenge would come. I still believe I can get over the hurdles that are put in my way but I don't think any one trial I came through will get me through to the next one, I think they are all cumulative. 
 What brought this all about is that I have great admiration for people that survive and thrive from incredible trials that I see them struggle with... and I have often judged myself and thought I couldn't get through this or that... I don't have that type of strength... but I think we all have that strength, regardless of what we tell ourselves... and I don't just mean this for trials, I mean this for making changes, living the life we were meant to live

I self judge myself and think who am I do do this or that?  The real question is who am I not to do this or that? If I honestly believe others can attain their dreams, then I can attain mine too.... The choice then is mine and always has been mine, who am I going to listen too... all the people who believe in me or the few people who don't believe in themselves... As a good friend said, no matter what, we are enough, we always have been and we always will be enough.... The only question I really need to answer for myself is who am I to judge myself?
post signature
Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

I Am Bent But I Am Not Broken

This week ended up being a lot to deal with, first my leg is still injured... when I saw the physio therapist the week before I promised myself and her that I would do anything that she asked of me. She had given me exercises that I have done every morning and night, I slowed my walking down and I walked much less then I normally do... yet there is no change. It has become almost unbearable to walk and I ended up searching for my cane that I had to use a few years ago. 
I started thinking about people that have chronic pain and I felt so much empathy for them, here I am with a pain that it almost certain to pass eventually... yet I am not dealing with it very well... how do people deal with this all the time, everyday? With no light at the end of the tunnel... yet I know people like this in my own life and many of them handle it with very little complaining... I am in awe of them.  
Next I had moment at work where I did not handle myself well... it was many things, all the changes, the pain in my leg and the time of the year (The Christmas holidays are not happy for everyone). Thankfully I have very understanding people that I work with and they were able to alleviate some of the stress I was dealing with. It will still be a bit trying as it is coming into year end, one of the busiest times of the year for payroll but at least I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now... unfortunately I had to have a bit of a meltdown... however; I am sure we have all had a moment when we had to much going on at once. 

Then of course this time of the year has not been good for me, it is a constant reminder of what I almost had and what I lost. I know that by holding onto that sadness, it only holds me back from what the future has to offer. There were times I thought I had got over hump and I could see a different path to take but then I'd have times that brought it all crashing back. Acceptance is extremely important to moving on and it is one of the most difficult things for me to master. 
I am well aware that my future has nothing to do with my past anymore, it hasn't for a long time... deep down I don't even long for what I felt was to be my future, as time has proven to me that no matter how happy I was then, it couldn't have been a long lasting happiness as I have come to know things about 'him' that would have bothered me over time. Things I would not have been able to brush aside... and no, he isn't a bad person by any means, he really is a kind and sweet man... however; he doesn't have it him to forgive people that make mistakes. I need the person in my life to be forgiving as unfortunately I am going make mistakes, like anyone else. 

That was a tough lesson for me to learn, one that nearly broke me in the past few years... I had refused time and time again to see 'him' as he really is... I wanted to remember 'him' the way I had dreams about 'him'... if I really saw 'him' as he was, I would have to admit that I am the one that is responsible for the challenges I have had to deal with... no one but me. I couldn't hold anyone accountable, not 'him'... not her... just me... With that realization I also knew I could change the future, as I am bent... but I am not broken.
post signature
Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Reflecting How Far I Have Come

I had a bit of a rough week as I would think I was healing and then I would re-injure my leg again, I finally ended up seeking out a physio therapist and decided that no matter how much I want to exercise, I am not going to be able to for a while. I have been given the green light to walk some, just shorter lengths and much slower... this has been pretty difficult for me, however; I think it has given me the time to reflect...

I have a way of using things so that I don't have to think, I am sure we all do it to some degree. We all have our ways of coping when we don't want to deal with what is in front of us. I kept giving myself permission to do whatever I wanted, why not I asked myself? Besides, it's Christmas, a very hard time of the year for me and I know for many others as well... I thought why not just let everything slide for the rest of month and then get back on track? 
I have to say I am good at telling myself I have the right to do what I want, haven't I been diligent and put in so much effort to follow my dreams? What was wrong with cutting myself some slack? I realized that I was hurting myself by not holding myself accountable and I began to question why? I wondered why I was going to let Christmas do me in and take control of me? ... I am worth more than giving in... 

I started getting real with myself, something I haven't done for awhile... it's not easy, it is much simpler to just allow myself to wallow and say why not? I deserve to feel this way, I have had numerous let downs and challenges... didn't I deserve for something to finally go right for me? I allowed that mentality to rule my decisions... I frankly thought why bother following my dreams? They never seem to work out, right? 
I had an incident happen late last night that opened my eyes and made me really reflect, a person that is always trying to make everything look perfect showed their true colors last night... they showed they are insecure, unhappy and not at peace and yet profess to have what they want... at least they think they do... Believe me when I say, I am well aware that no one has a perfect life, I just wonder why some people try to make it look that way? ... I am past that phase of wanting everyone to think I have it all together...

The mind is funny thing, at least mine is... I honestly don't believe in living in the past, it can't take me into the future, it will only bring more sadness, trying to figure out why some things didn't work out as I had hoped for and planned. Am I still sad about the disappoints and losses, I won't lie, I am... but allowing myself to crumble because of a person, an incident, a failed dream or a challenge will never bring me joy either.  Reflections can be a good thing from time to time... they can be reminders of how far I have come...
post signature
Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest //