Finding The Beauty Of The Butterfly Within Me

I just wanted to share a quick update, I am still walking a lot... over 39 miles last week, I have to say I really enjoy it. I love knowing I can do this even when I thought it wasn't possible at one time... I love proving myself wrong, it makes me know I am capable of much more than I ever thought I was.
I've been thinking about some rather deep thoughts lately, I came across the quote above and realized how true it was... I know many people who are amazing and are unable to see this in themselves, I have often been unable to see this in myself too... When I think about what the butterfly goes through to become the beautiful thing that they are born to be, I am in awe... It is much like all the trials and tribulations that we deal with that help us to become the butterflies we were truly meant to be... and yet we sometimes fail to see our beauty.
This past couple of weeks has had me questioning how unfair life seems, I cannot fathom why some people seem to lie and hurt others but then have what they want and others who are honest and could never hurt another, doesn't have the things they desire... Although it is highly unfair, I came to the conclusion that the people that lie and hurt others are weak and the people that are honest grow stronger through each trial. 
Who would I rather be? Even if it is more difficult I want to be the girl that goes through each trial and comes out stronger for them... When I am going through them, it is hard to see the good that can come from them... One in particular nearly destroyed me and I was so positive that I could never get passed it... Some days are still harder than others, some days I see the good and I know one day I will have the answers to why I had to deal with something so devastating that a part of me wondered if I could stop feeling broken... 

I know what broken feels like inside, I can never explain it to someone who hasn't felt it... but I do know others who have felt this way too... When someone has told me in the past that all I need to do is see the good and have gratitude, I have honestly wanted to scream at them... I do know that staying there won't help me grow but going through it is what will ultimately strengthen me... I read a quote one time about damaged people being dangerous because they know they can survive... I'm a survivor... if I can climb out of a sadness that threatened to engulf me completely, I can pretty well get through anything thrown at me. 
I hope that I will be able to help others get through the trials they are going through because of what I have had to deal with, something good has to come from it... I know for sure I won't just tell someone to see the good and show gratitude... I will tell them to feel the pain, no matter how difficult it is... because one day they will emerge from the cocoon and become the butterfly I know they can be... Eventually they will see the good and show gratitude.

I love that last quote... I am looking for the magic for I want my soul to soar... that would be true freedom and happiness for me. I have found it in the past and I will again in the future. Today I plan to look for the beauty inside me... and remember it was always there.
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The Choice To Numb It Or Feel It

I have to say I have been wanting to write for the past couple of days and there seemed like one thing after another that came up. Saturday I spent at a conference, it was very good and something that I am grateful I attended. It was about wellness in all forms... I think we all need to hear more about how to care for ourselves better. So then when I got home that night I needed to do laundry as I had been neglecting it due to the vast amount of exercise I have been doing. 
Then Sunday came around and I went to church, caught up on many of my blogs and then took a 5 mile walk with a friend. I was quite wiped out by the time I got back. You'd think I would have been able to sleep... but no... I am still waking up 3 to 5 times per night. It doesn't even seem to matter that I am eating great and exercising nearly every single day... Oh well, I am sure I will be able to sleep through a full night one of these days. 
Just a quick update with my exercise, I am still going strong, I walked over 40 miles last week, I do feel better for it, as well I was able to drop some of the weight I had gained in July. Although I do want to lose pounds, it is not the most important thing, getting healthy by exercising daily and eating consciously is my main focus... everything else can and will follow. What I really want to gain from keeping my lifestyle changes is being healthy emotionally. 

This past week has been a reflective one, I was thinking about what I wrote last week wondering if I really meant it...?  Then I remembered a quote about how we just need to fake it until we make it... I also realize that the longer I stay away from attempting to date, the harder it will be to go back. I can be a girl of excuses but I don't want to be her anymore... that girl with all the excuses was in a difficult place, one I never thought I would rise from.
Yet I did rise, and even though I am not completely hopeful that love will ever come my way, I know that if I don't put myself out there, it more than likely won't happen. Also a good friend reminded me that all I have to do is look back and see how far I have come... Difficult challenges are going to come, I know there are people that have dealt with trials I have no idea how they made it through, each day I am inspired with how they have overcome something and grown beyond what they thought they could ever have dealt with.
Remember that saying that Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can handle...? I was reminded that wasn't true, he actually gives us a little more so that we stretch and grow. The real question is if we want to grow...?  If we don't want to, we have the choice to give into the pain... however; I am here to say that numbing the pain only lasts so long, eventually we all have to deal with it... I know from personal experience that most times dealing with the pain, isn't nearly as bad as numbing it...
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Breaking Down Walls To Grow

I have been thinking about how disappointed I was, that once again, someone wasn't who they portrayed themselves to be... I told my sister I just wanted to throw the towel in and give up on dating... I feel like I take care of myself, yet men choose women the opposite of me... My sister told me that she will never give up on love no matter what and although I have been burned many times over, I have to agree with her... I am not giving up on love either. 
I may not hop back on the dating site for a few months but I will go there again and I will be more discerning than ever. Honestly the guy is going to have to prove he is worthy of dating me, I don't want some guy who just talks the talk... he has to walk the talk too... when I made my profile in the past I don't think I was specific enough, I am going to be choosier... I am willing to give the best of myself to someone and I expect the same in return. 
Just a very quick update, I have been walking a lot and enjoying it, I plan to walk every day I possibly can without excuses... and the best part is that I am eating consciously, I am not eating to numb myself. With that of course comes a lot of emotions I have to deal with... definitely not easy but when has change ever been easy?  Of course no one wants to feel pain, sadness or disappointment but as awful as those feelings are they are the only way to grow.
When I have decided to numb those feelings in the past, all I did was prolong the pain and I stayed in the same spot of sadness, which stopped me from growing. This week as I walked I thought about how I just needed to push through so that I would no longer be standing in the same place anymore... I honestly cannot go another year and look back... to see that I have not progressed again because I was unwilling to feel the emotions that have been holding me back. 
I don't want to build those walls around me anymore, yes I know that is more than likely inviting more pain into my life but I am hoping eventually it will invite the joy I want too... I read the quote above over the weekend and although I have read it many times in the past, it resonated with me as I could see that each wall I built around me in the last few years didn't really protect me, they actually made me more sad.
So, I decided this week that instead of building walls, I am breaking them down... and giving myself the chance to heal... With that comes one very important thing I have to do... I have to really forgive someone that I have been unable to forgive up until now... which has upset me as I am really a very forgiving person and holding onto this anger for her has just held me back.  Besides the truth is that what we give out comes back to us... I want to give forgiveness and love...
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Feeling Pain To Get To The Other Side

I have had quite the month in July, for the past 28 days, I have been able to exercise every single day. That's probably not always a good thing as I do need to rest my body from time to time. I ended up walking an average of 14,000 steps, about 7 miles and over 85 minutes of active exercise daily. Yet with all of this, I have just maintained my weight since I stopped being accountable for my food... because the truth is that I cannot out exercise poor choices in food, be it the type of food or quantity.

Why have I been over eating? Self sabotage? Sadness? Anger? ... a little of everything, I am disappointed with the way some things have turned out in my life. When I sit back and ponder about how far I have come, I ask myself if I have gratitude for that?... the truth is I do... I am very thankful for all the trials I have overcome and all the changes I have made in my life to become who I am today. 
I was angry this week because I felt as though I didn't have the right to be disappointed or sad... I do though. When did it become bad to feel these things? I know I shouldn't live there all the time... but I think that is what is wrong, the minute I feel sad/disappointed, people start counting off my many blessings... or telling me all their trials that they went through and survived or implying I am selfish and not grateful for what I do have in my life.
You know what this does, at least for makes me want to cover it up... just like I did in the past when I felt a deep heartache... instead of dealing with it, I did everything I could not to feel... I should have felt it and moved through it, instead of always trying to go around it. Every time I went around it, it would always came back for me to deal with later. Usually it was even harder as I had more pain to add to it. 
I am grateful that I am not judgmental of others and their choices, I have come to know that forgiveness is more about setting myself free and that loving myself is a good thing... it helps me to love others even more. I have learned to set boundaries for myself and I gave myself permission to say no if I feel like others are stepping over those lines. Mostly I know that I have the right to feel disappointed with where I am in certain parts of my life, it doesn't mean that I don't have gratitude for the wonderful parts, it means I am working through the pain.

Someone asked me if I thought I deserved to be happy? My answer is yes and although I am not in that place at the moment, I know it exists... I have felt it... it is incredible... it is worth working towards today and in the future... I know heartache will happen, unfortunately it's what seems to help me grow ... some things are more difficult than others to deal with but because I have felt true joy, I know pain won't last, however; feeling sad is okay... feeling pain is how we get to the other side.
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