My Better Judgement

I have been living my life in a bubble for the last month, I have been so focused on one thing and one thing only.  I have neglected everything for this one thing, mostly I have neglected myself. I cannot believe that I allowed myself to become so focused on one thing again. I never learn, I keep doing this because for some nutty reason I neglect to learn the lesson attached so that I can move on.  I have had the nerve in my 20's to be so damn judgmental, now I reflect on that girl and how far I have come in my life. I brought myself up from no where, I was 18 and on social assistance with a grade 11 education. I worked so hard to get my GED and go to community college. I wanted a better life, I wanted to take care of myself. Well I did that, I can take care of me and I can take care of Valentina money wise but everything else has fallen apart with me wanting to be so independent, I sacrificed myself along the way.

I gained a ton of experience and I am not sure that I would want to change them, it made me who I am today, I like myself as a person but I am not happy with my behavior. What I mean by that is that I have always been a very honest and direct kind of person, I don't play around with wondering, I know if I like someone almost immediately. I usually read people well, some have hidden their real self long enough for me to care about them, those are the worst. I like the direct and honest approach and I have just been sitting around waiting, waiting, I have to ask myself for what, nothing or no one is going to just hop into my life.

I am going to have to get out there, get back to the gym, blog more, spend more time outdoors this summer and get my license. I just needed to re focus but before I take this on 100 percent, I am going to have to take the direct and honest approach and hope it gives me an edge in getting what I want in life.

The past two years of my life has been on a downward spiral, all because of one night.  I have been so desperately in need of re learning to love myself that I took it as finding something or someone to make me feel loved.   Not always the best ideas in the past year, tons of things against my better judgment but at least I think I have learned the lesson, I really hope so, I am tired of trying to learn the same thing over and over
It's exhausting and boring.  I am really going to go on a limb to see if there is anyway I can have what I really want in my life.

I will live with the consequences as the end goal is worthy of the effort I have put into attaining this one thing, I have to give in one last try. At least I will have a chance and then I will know for sure one way or the other so I can move on if it doesn't work out the way I hope.


I love trying to figure somebody out, it is a passion of mine. I talk a lot so other people will feel at ease and talk to me too. I listen to everything I am told and try to understand what makes someone who they are. Basically people just want to be loved and acknowledged. I know that I probably lost my opportunity with who I really wanted because I wasn't seeing them in the right light. Now that I do, it makes me wish that I would be in tune so that I didn't miss out on great opportunities.

Opening yourself up for love is one of the hardest things to do, it is always so scary. It means admitting your feelings when you are not sure how the other person feels. It is lonely before you open up then scary as hell waiting to hear the same words returned and then not getting it. It makes it so hard to want to build yourself up again to try again to probably only get the same response.

Last night I had an epiphany, I realized the last two weeks of my bad back and cold and rejection all came because I have lost focus and I became negative. Something I had worked so hard not to be but I now know that all this stuff that is pulling me down is what I have attracted into my life. All by being negative. It shocked me how powerful the 'Secret' is;)

So this week has started out like my weekend, I am thinking and pondering where I am and how I can change to get to where I want to be.  I want something that seems out of reach but this day and going forward I am going to be positive that I am going to have it, no matter what:)  I am going to prove worthy of what I want and once I have it, then I can make the goal to keep it by always being grateful, loving, kind, caring and sensitive. Not that bad things don't creep in but I am not allowing that to take over, I will know and remember how lucky I am to have my hearts desire:)

One thing at a time, working on making my life exactly what I want it to be and attracting the people that I want into my life. <3

A thought filled weekend

I spent most of this weekend just thinking about things, so many things my mind raced with images. I wondered how I ended up where I am now when I used to have so many wonderful things in my life. Yet I have done things that are not me because I have not been able to come to terms with what I had to deal with. Councilors act like it is normal to act out, I don't know how this can be good., I am usually busy all weekend, keeping is contact with all my friends but this weekend I just spent time with me and then a day with Valentina,. It has been a tough week for both her an me with my hurting my back and not being able to look after her.

I also found out how some people think about me when they don't know that I might find out. It is so nice to know that I can be disregarded so easily. Other friends have been there and never given up on me, I appreciate them all so much.

I am a kind, loving, intelligent and fun person, I am never going to let anyone make me believe less of myself. I try hard to always be good to people that come into my life and yet I have not had the same favor in return.  I honestly believe it is because I care too much and give way too much of my heart out. I only do this because I have been in love one time in my life. I know how wonderful it is, I know the joy it can bring and bonding. I have longed for that since I lost that love. I thought the only way that I could get that back was to be with him but that was not to be, what I was meant to do was open my heart to another. I finally did but I think I did it too late. I could not believe someone so wonderful could care for me too. When I finally realized it, I think it was too late, which is sad to me.

So now I have to get myself together and go back to getting to know people again. I just want to be strong enough as rejection takes alot out of me, it is emotionally hard to offer my feelings to another person, to have them ignored or rejected. A heart can only handle so much but I definitely need to move on.

I am hoping that I can work back to where I was 2 years ago before all this happened, I wonder how my life would be different. If I could have one wish in my life it would be to erase that night, it is my fondest desires.  I lost so much that night and I am finally working on getting some of that back.

I am really hoping there will be a resolution and that I will learn to live with that night and move on maybe even fall in love. It cannot be too late for me, I would be wonderful to the right man and treat him like a king. He would know that he was loved, he wouldn't have to wonder.

Well one thing at a time, I am not going to overwhelm myself, like I usually do. I am just going to work at a good pace. Everything will come together, I will be back to where I want to be in record time.