Someone Special

I have someone that I think is beyond special, however; they don't feel that way about themselves and it keeps us from being closer friends. They are so insecure and need constant reassurance, that ultimately they don't believe.  I really wish that I knew how to get through to them but I know there is nothing that I can say until they are ready to see the truth.

The fact is that we are all special and we all need a little reassurance of this but no one can make you believe this about yourself until you are willing to open up and believe it yourself.

A year ago, I would have thought it was impossible to ever love another person romantically. Yet I have fallen in love and of course I didn't choose the easy path, I chose a difficult one. Honestly though, I know that when it works out, it will be amazing and so worth the effort I am putting into it.

Until now, I have only loved one man and I thought that would be it for me, I mean I am 46 but it is never too late to fall in love. As scary as it is and it is scary, I am grateful for my feelings, no matter how things turn out.  Although, I believe when something is meant to be, it will be, no one can stop the inevitable.

Just remember how special you are and one day I really hope you feel it inside yourself, then you will know exactly what I see in you.

Sisterhood, does this exist?

After this weekend, I have been wondering if sisterhood is around when a woman is in her 40's.  I used to be a little closed minded when I was younger but I have become way more open minded as I have become older. That is not to say that other woman my age have done this, I have woman judging me on who I want to 'date'.  Who cares who I date other than me and the guy I date, why do woman my age feel it is their right to put me down for my choices.  I think it is funny actually, I think they are jealous or they are so close minded that they wouldn't know a good thing if it happened to them.

I honestly do not care what anyone thinks of who I want to 'date', I just think it hilarious that other woman my age feel the need to pull me down because of it. Whatever, you guys look funny when you talk like that in front of men. If the truth be known, men my age have never treated me with an ounce of respect ever. So, why would I want to date one.  Besides men my age are married or attached, I am not into either. Frankly I have something to say to them, if you are not happy where you are at, get out.  It's pretty simple.  Instead you have woman my age standing up for you because they are willing to put up with that. I respect myself too much.

All woman should respect themselves enough to stand up for what they know is right and we as woman should stand together instead of pulling each other down. I believe sisterhood is still out there, I just have to find the right women, the ones that know that when you judge another sister, you only make yourself look bad.

Remember this when you make a decision that won't be all that popular with all your peers and then maybe you won't be so hard on another sister.  Life is too short to tear another person down, glad that they chose me, I am strong enough to let it slide off and live the way I want.  I don't need anyones approval, I make my rules and I live with the consequences. 


I wonder why we allow ourselves to be enslaved by things?  I have been working hard to free myself of all the painful words I have allowed myself to believe over the years and of all the things I have put into my body so that I could deal with the pain.

None of it worked however, the pain was always there, underneath, controlling me.  So, instead I have been cleaning myself up slowly of all the toxic things I have allowed in my life and what has it left, the pain. It's raw and real but what I have learned is that as bad as it is, it's not nearly as bad as trying to cover it.

I am reading, actually studying a book that has helped me change. It opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself, now I just cry and deal with the pain. I don't try to eat it away, like I have in the past.  I want to pay attention to what I am feeling, so that I can recognize and grow from where I have been.  Instead of burying myself so deep, trying to hide.

Each new day is a gift, yes it is hard.  I would never say it is easy but atleast I am active in my life and not just viewing it through a hazy mind. 

I have many goals, two big ones, one is definitely attainable by the end of this month.  Valentina is coming home, I want to be the mother that she needs and loves. I was so lost for so long I couldn't be anything for anyone but now there is a light.

The other is to be with the man that I love, this is a bit harder as it hinges on him too but I believe it can happen if I stay strong, focused and remember that I totally deserve to be loved and that I am a good, kind and loving person.  Unfortunately he met me at my worst but I can show him the different person I have become. 

People have commented on how giddy I am and I really am. Sure, I have bad times still, now I allow myself to feel that pain then I move ahead.  The old me would have wallowed in it and stagnated, no longer will I allow things like that to drag me down.

I am grateful that I have been inspired to change how I feel about me, it's a long road, not done overnight but it is something that I am conscious of daily.  I stop and think when I say something negative and then I don't degrade myself for the negative thought but I change it to be as positive as I can be.

I am a work in progress but I am on the right road<3