We Are Meant To Become Butterflies

There is a butterfly inside each one of us waiting to come out; the challenge is to recognize that truth with grace and in faith to experience the transformation. ~ Danielle Coulanges

I read this quote and it brought a thought to my mind how the caterpillar goes into a cocoon, only to emerge as a wild and free butterfly.  We all go into cocoons, the thing about humans is we decide if and when we will leave the cocoon to become the beautiful free butterfly we were meant to be.  Also, I love the first quote picture above, very inspiring.

I've been in a cocoon of sorts for the past month, one of sadness and grief.  Last week I finally decided to look outside of it, I saw the dim light of hope.  Now I want to spread my wings and soar high above.  I want to be free, free from all the sadness I had inside.

The change from a caterpillar to a butterfly is never easy, it's not meant to be, otherwise we wouldn't be able to become all that we are meant to be. 

I realized something profound last night, I've always thought that I was lucky that my David re-entered my life when he did and I was but I forgot that David was even luckier to have me come into his life. He will never have another woman who will love, challenge and accept him more than I do. 

I know how lucky I was and I'm grateful, I hope my David realizes how lucky he was.  It's been a very long time for me to come to that knowledge and even harder for me to write and believe.  I believe it now though.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Write To Give Myself A Voice

The night before last when I went to bed, I had started this post but when David messaged me, I felt the desire to post my last blog.  Still I wanted to post this one as well.

A blogger that I read posed a question to her readers:  What inspires you to write?  I commented that there wasn't one thing, it just seems my life is chaotic and there is always something to say.  My life is rarely peaceful which made me question if I attract all the craziness into my life?  Maybe it's comfortable to me since I've always had massive instability in my life.

Starting with always being on my toes with my ex step mother Ruth who used any excuse in the book to just ridicule, slap or spank us.  Once my younger sister received a spanking for breaking an elastic band, yes an elastic band.  One Easter we all received the same coloring book and one of my sisters drew a hat on a character, my sister had to copy it in all three books.  We were not allowed to color outside the lines.  That is crazy, I encourage my children to be individuals and definitely color outside the lines, who cares.

I had to deal with that crazy, more like psychotic woman for 10 years of my life.  It was like walking on egg shells and praying you wouldn't crack them.  She seriously had mental issues, you would have to, to treat children the way she did, I honestly thought she gained pleasure from it (maybe she did), now I think she was coming from a place of lack, still that's no excuse.

When I was younger I could not fathom why this woman (my ex step mother), could possibly hate us so much that she felt it was okay to abuse us.  Her excuse later in life was that my father ran around on her.  Ummm, and this was our fault, why?   Then as I got older I realized there was no good excuse and finally I believe that she came from a place of lack.  She is a very unhappy woman and it showed throughout my time of knowing her.

I gave up on hating her, that was a waste.  Instead I am stronger than that... she does not matter, nor does she define who I am in my life. I  no longer care what she said and don't waste too much time thinking of her, she is really not worth my time.  I sometimes ponder what could possibly make her behave the way she did?  I have no answers though because I cannot think the way she did and that is actually good.

So, I think that because I was constantly on edge, I kept that mentality throughout my life, never truly trusting that people didn't have ulterior motives and feeling as if I was unlovable.  Hence why I tolerated men treating me less than I deserved.  My desire to write came from this, it gives me a voice and a place that I can say whatever I want to, which  helps me to work through these issues.

I guess I answered that question then, I write to give myself a voice!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

What A Difference An Hour Makes‏

I was so tired last night I was cranky, you know that kind of tired that you can barely get out of your own way?  I say barely as I even ticked myself off with how snappy I was.  My body was begging to lay down on my soft comfy bed, mmmm.  

Lucky for me my little Valentina goes to bed by 8:30, I was in bed a little after 9:00... my head hit the pillow and I'm sure I was out in seconds.  I was hoping for more energy from this cleanse but I guess I can't blame it, it's more likely the infection in my leg that is taking my energy to heal.

I can't wait to see the doctor to see if he can possibly give me some good news.  Either find a way to heal it, or operate.  This has been going off and on for 12 years, something has to be done.  Although I'm vocal, I'm taking Cindy with me... I'm sure she will set the doctor straight...  so I am not too worried.

At least emotionally I'm feeling somewhat better and definitely more hopeful.  It's so draining to be sad, it uses up a ton of energy and on top of that, I couldn't sleep.  Now I can sleep and it's all that I want to do, maybe my body is in recovery and trying to make up for all that I put it through for the last little while.

Anyhow, the most wonderful thing happened last night, my David finally messaged me and we really talked.  No one will completely understand how very happy that this has made me.  I can breathe, really breathe; I didn't even realize how much I was not breathing properly until he and I finally talked.  Just as I knew, we picked up like it was yesterday.  It felt SO good to just freely message and say whatever, sigh.

It was so worth waking up for when the text message came in, my blackberry plays a song...  I looked at it and it was him, I could have cried tears of joy. I am now, it just felt like such a huge relief. 

His son is still not the best, so I will pray even more for Chris, he desperately needs something good to happen for him, I feel so sad for Chris to have all these health issues at the young age of 21. 

Anyway, focusing on the good, I have my David as my friend and right now my world is pretty happy.  Have a wonderful day everyone.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I'm Coming Back To Me‏

I can't believe how fast this summer has flown by, next week my Valentina starts grade 4, eek.  All I can say is wow, she was just a baby yesterday, wasn't she?  Of course my Andrea is all grown up and married with her own little one, another whoa moment.

I wanted to let you all know that the long dark tunnel I was in, where I was beginning to wonder if there was going to be a light; is actually starting to have a dim light.  I'm finally sighing and beginning to hope once again, I will be back to me.

I really had a very long rough ride, it almost won out.  I was beginning to think I might actually be in a depression but it was only about one thing, so I don't think that I was.  I just think I was beyond sad, a very heart broken sad.  I am feeling like my heart is beginning to repair itself. 

Unfortunately, I won't allow her to love with abandon again, that was a bit too much to take. So I'm just going to be a mama, a mommy, a glama nana and a good friend. These are the things that make me happy and make me smile. This is what is important in life.

I will always love my David and eventually when his son Chris is in a better state physically and emotionally, we will pick up where we left off and be the best friends we always have been. I am forever grateful that he came back into my life and showed me I was worth so much more than I ever thought.  I lost my way for quite a bit but I'm back on the path again.

One day soon, I'll be able to tell him all this and I think he'll be very happy for me. I wish so much happiness for him, he needs some good things to come into his life soon.  He gave up the best woman for him, ME;).  So, now he'll have to settle for second best, lol.

See, I'm coming back to me :).

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Living In The Present To Have What I Want

I've had a lot on my mind with this cleanse, mainly because I don't have distractions, which is good.  Sometimes it's overwhelming and difficult to deal with but mostly it's a wonderful thing to be present with yourself.  I've had some time to really think about what is important, I've been so caught up in my break up with David, that I neglected me.  That's the last thing he wanted me to do, he wanted me to take care of myself.

I miss the simple things we did, holding hands, walking arm in arm, bear hugs, taking drives around the city, just talking for hours about everything and anything.  All of that is possible when he's home for a visit in the future, whenever that is.  I lost sight of the fact that we are very close friends and that if I wanted that, I could still have it.

I didn't want to give up the dream or fantasy, I had to though if I wanted to keep him in my life.  A few weeks ago I wrote that I regretted being romantic with David, I take that back. It was the happiest time of my life, I was over the moon.  I wish that I had handled everything better, by not being so sad...

That's who I am though, I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.  I laugh with abandon, I sob with my whole heart and I love with my complete soul.  There's nothing part way with me, you never have to wonder. I know it can be difficult to be around me when I'm sad, I even find it hard and I don't have a choice.  I have never figured out how to feel less or at least express less.  I guess it's just who I am, I'm learning that although it can be challenging to be around me when I'm sad, I don't think I'd want to be one of those people who hides who I am to make other people happy.

I can't wait for day that my David messages me again and we pick up like we never went without talking. We're that close, I'll be there for him and I'll be ready, ready to laugh with him.  Just as soon as his son is on more stable ground, which I'm praying for so much.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Setting Small Goals

I have to say I honestly do not miss TV, I thought that it was going to be so challenging and difficult.  Maybe it's because there are only repeats on but I'm really not even thinking about what I might be missing.  I think I could go without the TV, not so sure my little Valentina could do without it, I think it would be great for her as most of the shows she watches are really mindless.  However; that will be her decision, mine is to just have her cut back, which she is doing.

One week into the cleanse and I am really grateful, it's not easy but I know that it will help to center me, I really need that, I was so very lost for the last month.  I was sure that I could not take another let down, I had dealt with too much.  Now that I am one week into this, my focus is a bit more clear, I am not saying life is beyond wonderful at the moment but it is better.  I don't feel like crying every other second.

My leg has not and is not healing, I see the specialist on September the 4th, with Cindy (my sitter and good friend).   I need someone there who will make the doctor see that it is NOT good, the last time he looked at it he said, that looks good... REALLY???  I do not want to see what he thinks looks bad!  That must be beyond horrible.  Anyhow, I do think somethings will be set in motion and finally I will have a plan to have my leg looked after.

Either way, I will be ready to start to run, probably a lot of walking to begin with, we all have to start somewhere.  I am really super excited about finally starting.  Probably just another week... then I will be unstoppable.  I am not even going to run to lose weight, it might be a by product, I just want to feel strong and healthy, that is my goal.

I am praying so much for my "D's" son Chris, I worry non stop about David and his son.  Especially since my "D" is so far away from him and he's not able to get home right now.  In this moment all of his emotions and attention are on Chris as it should be.  I will double my efforts with prayer, he really needs some good news, he's lost his faith a little.  I don't want him to feel as if all he's had are non stop trials, something good has to happen for him soon.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Loving And Being Loved In Life

My blogger friend Charly challenged her readers to write a six word memoir of our lives... it took me a couple of days but I finally came up with this.. Loving And Being Loved In Life.  She got the idea from this website smithmag.net, I thought it was a pretty interesting idea.  It really made me think.. I only have six words which is challenging for me but my life is and has been about loving people and being loved. 

I haven't always felt loved, which has been a bit troublesome as I am all about loving and accepting people for who they are, I really believe that if we stopped judging people for who they are, what they wear, how they behave and just love them, our lives would be so much more complete. 

I try to tell my children I love them as often as possible, the two of them are so very important to me.  I want them to be happy... I don't wish money or massive success for them, I wish for them to feel loved.  I know that if they feel loved, they will be happy and successful.

On another quick note, I had a really good day with Valentina, we spent 5 hours downtown, we ate out, she got to go to the Discovery center (a place she loves) and we shopped a little. She was very happy and it made for calm and easy going day.  I didn't get anything done around the house but oh well, housework is always there... sunny, breezy Saturdays are not always there.

Also my David messaged me finally, just a short note that he is still dealing with his son Chris and the aftermath of his stroke (his son is only 21).  I know my "D" must be out of his mind with worry...  I know I would be if it was one of my children and he is most certainly all about his children, which I adore, he is a wonderful daddy.

I know you don't know my "D" or his son but if any of you believe in prayer or positive thoughts, I would be forever grateful if you could include David's son Chris in your prayers.  He needs all the help he can get, I know my prayers will be doubled for him and his family in their time of need.  There is not many worse things than feeling helpless when your child is ill.

I am off to bed, I might finally be able to sleep.  

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Finding A Way To Release Stress

Friday was a bit better, I only became weepy a few times throughout the day, until I went to bed.  Than I sobbed for almost a half hour but I finally fell asleep.  Work kept me busy for a great deal of the day.  Thank goodness, I needed the diversion; I just wish work wasn't so stressful, I need one part of my life that is calm.

I felt like screaming yesterday and today, at the top of my lungs. I want to go into a forest or climb a mountain just so I could scream.  Instead I held it in, it's probably why I ended up sobbing last night.  My body and soul needs to release all my pent up emotions.

I just think I need to run, that would help me to get rid of some tension.  I really hope my leg is healed enough soon so that I can finally start.  I'm really looking forward to it, I think it will be a great time for me to just be with me.  When I am running, I will only be able to focus on my running and my breathing.  

I really miss living downtown Halifax, even though I don't live that far away from it (maybe 15 minute drive - hour walk).  It's still difficult when I don't drive, I want to join a yoga class and everyone of them are way out of my way.  I either need to find someone to go with or I will have to look into taking lessons on line.  I would prefer to go into a group atmosphere as I am held way more accountable.  Maybe I can find a couple of people to come to my house and take it on line with me.  I am going to check with my friends.

Have a great day everyone, I am going out to enjoy the sun!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Back To Reality

I had a dream last night, a lovely dream; one I didn't want to wake up from.  I even woke up with a smile on my face than it all came back to me that the dream was just that, a dream.  I wanted to go back to sleep to continue it but off to work I go...

In my dream I somehow woke up when I was 14 and I knew all that I know now but it was like I was given a chance to start all over again.  A chance to make it right, too bad I couldn't go back with the knowledge I have now.  I definitely would have been able to deal with my ex step mother better, I wouldn't have allowed her to get into my head with her negative words as I did when I was younger.

I know, it's probably better that I can't go back or I could really make changes that ultimately might not be better for me...  maybe, just maybe I wouldn't  be the strong person I am today without all the really traumatic incidents.  Perhaps I may not have learned tolerance and compassion as well, I somehow think I would have discovered this anyway as this is who I am.

For a moment I thought I wouldn't want to change the past for I may not have my children but I honestly believe you have the children you are destined to have regardless of the path you choose.  Of course they may not look the way they do now but I believe I would have had their spirits as I was meant to be their mother.

This is all irrelevant anyhow... we cannot go back into the past, that is just a fantasy.  I did however enjoy it immensely while I slept, it felt so real.  Back to reality now...  have I learned anything from my dream?  Yes!  A great deal more than I can even convey...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Sometimes You Just Have To Cry

I'm pretty sure the people on the bus must think I'm one of the saddest people ever.  Each morning I get on the bus, settle in... start thinking and pondering, next I'm crying.  I should have a sign that says heart broken, then everyone would understand.

People don't know how to deal with someone who is grieving or sad.  It makes them feel uncomfortable, so they say things like, stay strong, it will get better.  Sometimes being strong isn't enough, sometimes you just have to cry. 

I guess this broken heart has taught me massive compassion.  When I see someone crying, I'll just hug them and be there for him.  It's the only thing anyone can do for me.  I really get more upset when people think I should just get over it now.

I kind of understand why my mother closed her heart off after my dad broke it one too many times.  We cannot help who we love in this life and when they disappoint you and break your heart, it's not easy to recover. 

I'm one of those people who cannot hide my feelings, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it doesn't matter where I am when my emotions hit.  I feel all my emotions strongly, hence why I tried to cover them for so long.  That's not good though, they are always there to have to deal with eventually.

I guess we make the decision how long we will be in pain, we either process the feelings when they hit or we prolong it for later.  It doesn't just go away, as much as we want it to...   This cleanse is not letting me hide anything. 

A very good friend told me this yesterday:  'I should tell you how much I admire your tenacity. No matter how rough you feel, you go to work. I quit when the first tear drop falls'.  If I didn't go to work every time I cried, I'd really have something to cry about, I'd be living in a box on the side of the road.

So I just keep moving forward even if I'm crying.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Small Accomplishments

I was much more organized yesterday, only because I couldn't sleep, I woke up at 3:40 am and decided to just start my day early.  I actually had the time to make a massive salad for the rest of the week and I was able to get some organizing and cleaning done around the house.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you're not able to sleep.  I even got the laundry and dishes all done before I went to bed last night.  Those two are thankless never ending jobs.  Just having them done before I went to bed helps me to wake up in a bit of a better mood.

I got into bed and realized I hadn't blogged yet for the morning.  I usually do it on the way to work but instead I listened to music and reflected on my life yesterday morning, wondering how I got to where I am today?  Also I was too emotional as I have been for the past month.

I have really appreciated everyone's comments on my blog while I have been dealing with my up and down moods.  You all have been wonderful, uplifting, thoughtful and inspiring.  I feel how much many of you care and that's awesome.  Although I'm not back to my happy positive self yet, I hope to get there soon.  Whatever soon means, I just want to feel good....

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Trying To Gain Perspective

I feel the need to write again, I've been thinking about my situation with my "D".   Although this sounds odd, I feel like I'm grieving as if he was no longer here.   I know that this doesn't compare to really losing someone but it hurts just the same.

Many people are trying so hard to show me the good and tell me I'm strong.  Really??  If I was so strong how come I can fall apart in a second without notice. Sometimes I'll be laughing and then a thought will pop into my head and there I am sobbing just like that.

I've read about all the different steps and I have a lot of the signs, I'm just praying I get to the hope step soon,  there may be a light there.  Something to show me that I may actually feel good again.  I know in my mind that eventually I will smile more, that's great but I want my heart and soul to feel better.  I think that's going to take a lot longer.

I bet one of the reasons my leg is taking extra long to heal is that I'm using all my physical and emotional resources to deal with losing David from my life right now.  I thought when we broke up that I might not heal but he was still there and I could still smile. Now that he has closed off from me, I feel so lost and alone.

I thought I might be falling into a depression but it's just about David.  I don't cry about other things, I'm not sad about other things.  I have had depressive times in my life, losing a loved one, dealing with childhood abuse, coping with the aftermath of being raped.  I can tell you this, not having David in my life is much more painful than anything else I've dealt with.

I know people are sitting there and thinking, if not being able to talk to David is the worst thing I have dealt with, then I must have had an easy life but if you have read my blog or know me, you will know that I have not had an easy life... who has?  I have had my fair share of sadness, loss and disappointment and up until now I thought, that's life... it's a growing experience.  This is worse for me because I have never had anyone that I was so close to, shared so much with and felt so comfortable with.  It was all I dreamed of and because I couldn't let us go... I think I lost him totally. 

After today I am going to make a concerted effort to not write about him so much... at least not here.  If I have a need to write about him I will just journal... hopefully I will find other things to write about here.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Should Be Made Of Steel

Well today didn't get started off right as my sitter was very ill and I had to take Valentina to her which had me leaving my house just after 6:00am.  In my rush I forgot to pack my lunch, not good as I only ate 2 bananas yesterday.  So I dropped her off, missed the bus on the way back, I walked for 15 minutes and stopped into the store to buy salad and fruit.  It's good, otherwise I would have been tempted to eat garbage food, which would have been awful.

I had another restless sleep, I'm sure my body was rebelling because I was in bed so early.  It wasn't sure how to handle that, hopefully I'll adapt and finally be able to rest.  I'm not sure I can really rest until I talk to my David anyway, what if... I don't want to say it, that would be too sad.  I have to find a way to cope with this but at the moment I'm still too lost to see the path that will show me the way. 

People keep telling me I'm strong and that I will find a way, if I do.....  I'm going to made of steel.  I can't allow my heart to ever be so open again, it's shattered and I'm not sure it can be repaired.  I'm just hoping and praying I find a way.

At least the cleanse is helping to center me even if I'm not able to control my emotions.  I swear I just break out in tears at the drop of a hat, I try not to think of my "D", that's not working out so well.  

I just want to trust myself again, it's so hard when I was so sure.  It was real to me!  How could I be SO wrong?

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Can Change My Destiny? I Think I Lost The Directions!

Day one of my cleanse, not perfect but not too bad.  My little Valentina is even doing it with me to a point, she is giving up refined sugar and wheat, I told her that she still needs dairy at her age.  Also, she's not ready to give up TV (she's only nine).

So, I talked to my sister tonight who is doing the cleanse with me too, which is helpful.  At least I have someone who is following it with me.  Here's a great by product of the cleanse for me, since I could only blog or talk on the phone, I am in bed by 9:30.  I'm sure my body doesn't know what to think, actually getting to sleep before 11:00.   

I keep reading uplifting quotes about how I need to change my way of thinking so that I can change my attitude.  Seems so easy, yet so difficult.  How do I stop feeling sad about David?  He's the only thing I'm sad about, I really wish we could resolve our issue and be the close friends that we are.

I need one of our chats where he makes me laugh, which he always does when we talk.  I miss that, I miss being able to tell him about my day, my epiphany's and hearing about his day.  I loved ending my day after talking with him, I almost always smiled.

I know life is about change, I just never thought I wouldn't have that with him, we are so close.  I don't know how to handle not having him in my life, I miss him; I wonder if he misses me too?  I'm also so worried about his son Chris, I don't even know how he is and that makes me very sad.

My leg is still infected and I'm sure it will be for sometime, I'm hoping the specialists will finally see this infection is not going away and needs more than just pills that may clear the issue but it never completely heals.

I want to start running and this leg is hindering that, I'm not even supposed to be walking on it but I do have to work. So I'm resting it as often as possible.  If I can just get it to a more healthy spot then I can finally start running.  I'm not giving up on that idea, I'm going to make it happen.

 "Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

If I Was Really Me.....‏

I can't say what I want, I can't even write it... if I did, what would happen?  I don't want to know... 

Ever since all that I knew to be true and real in my life turned out to be a lie or a figment of my imagination, I can no longer trust myself, how could I be so wrong??   What is wrong with me?  My oldest daughter is right, I am REALLY damaged, maybe there's just no saving or fixing me.

I thought better of posting this but I'm not writing this blog for anyone but me.  I know sometimes what I write is hard to read and very sad.  That's who I am at any given moment in time, I'm tired of pretending with the fake smile when my whole insides are in pain.

I don't know if I should keep writing this blog when I know I'm not able to be positive and uplifting at this time.  I'm really hoping that the cleanse will help to center me.  Then again maybe it will make me feel more, which is scary since I can barely handle what I'm feeling now.

I also know that my problems are not even in the same league with other people's issues; unfortunately this knowledge doesn't stop me from crying or being sad.  I've lost so much this year, mainly I've lost me and my ability to trust, even myself. 

The very difficult and sad thing is that when there is no trust, there's nothing to hold on to.  No matter how much I may want to hold on, without trusting myself, it's nearly impossible.  I want so desperately to be myself and have people love me for that but unfortunately I don't think people can truly love me for me.  I used to believe that was possible, now I don't.

I want to be happy, I want to smile from the inside out, can I ever have that again?

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Want To Believe...

Everyday is much the same, I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I blog and then I attempt to sleep.  I've been working hard to motivate myself to do other things, I really need to sleep.  I try to fill my mind with anything so I don't have to think, maybe I could sleep.

Nothing changes, I remain the same and still I can't sleep.  My mind goes over and over every detail, every thought.  I'm still the lost little girl I've been for years, I tried to fix her, make her better but sometimes you can't fix broken things.

I wonder about precise incidents in my life, wishing somehow they could be different, maybe I wouldn't be so damaged, maybe I was damaged long before... what is my purpose?  I need to know, I need to understand.

No one has answers, people tell me to hold on, the good is near... really?  Where?  Every time I've tricked myself into believing there is good for me, I'm hurt, why do I work so hard to make myself believe? 

I don't expect life to be a walk in the park with no challenges but really can't something work out to make it worth all the trials?  It's not that I don't see blessings, there are many.  Maybe I'm not thankful enough.  

That's not true though, I'm very thankful and I always try to see the good, even when it's buried so deep, I sometimes have to dig it out.  I'm lost...  wondering if I'll ever truly find my way.

There has to be a way, right?  I used to believe there was always a light.  It's been so long since I've seen it that I am beginning to think I fabricated it in my past.  Maybe we see what we want to see, maybe our hearts could handle no less.

I just want to believe again, believe in myself, believe in love, believe in friendship...  Will I ever?  Maybe then I could sleep...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Making Each Step Count

I've been feeling a bit guilty, I have been trying to keep up with all my favorite blogs, I'm so behind...  I've decided to start anew tomorrow, I've had so much going on but starting Monday, no TV... So lots more time in the evening to catch up on my blogs. 

Today will be rather busy but I'm sure it will settle down by the evening.  I did catch up on a few favorites tonight, I was awestruck at how much people are handling in their lives and still working at remaining positive. It seems we all have an abundance of challenges that are attempting to overwhelm us.

It's hard not to get caught up with why me?  Why do I deserve this?  I don't have the answers but I can tell you that I seemed to learn my biggest lessons from these experiences.  It's not always fun or easy but I always end up finding the reason.

I keep planning my day more, I want to have as much structure as possible, it will give me less time to think...  not that thinking is bad but prolonged thoughts of an idea is not always advantageous.

I'm doing what I need to move on, praying every step I make is moving me into the right direction.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield