One Year Later I Can See The Light...

One year ago today, I woke up like any other day and I headed off to work, little did I know that it would end up being a defining day of my life. Some of those so called defining moments are the worst ones to bear, even when everyone tells me it will all work out for the best.  You all might be right, I still don't see it that way yet but I also don't see it the way I did that day.

That day I had to leave work early because my emotions were all over the place, when a client called in, I ended up bursting into tears... I quickly messaged someone that I had to leave, I looked for my quickest exit and I barely made it to the door before I was sobbing beyond control.  I walked a fair distance to catch the bus so that I could get my emotions under check. Still I sobbed on the bus, then at home... that was the night I stopped sleeping for nine long months.
The roller coaster of that day never really got better, it actually was worse... I just learned to deal with the ups and downs... mostly downs. I keep looking for the good in all of this, I have yet to find it... I know that doesn't sound positive and uplifting... But I have never been one to pretend everything is okay, when it's not...

However; saying all this, I have moved on from that day, I finally started to sleep about three months ago, which was a blessing... I have NO idea how I functioned on so little sleep?  I never want to do that again. Also, I don't cry most of the day anymore, which is so much better. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel but I held on when I couldn't see it because I KNEW it was there.

I think we all have defining moments in our lives that could totally tear our foundation apart and that day was one of those days for me... Somehow, I held it together and I came through. If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I would be emotionally, I never thought I would have come as far as I did.  Yes, I still have a way to go but at least I am on the right path now... for nine months I wasn't anywhere, I was in limbo... and that is not a place to live.
If I could change that day, would I?  I would if I could but of course I can't... instead I have to keep living with the fallout ... just keep moving forward. Even when I don't see the whole picture yet, the light is enough to keep me there until I can see the full picture.

I hope when I look back on that day in a year or two, I will see that everything happened the way it should have... for now I will continue to hold on to the light I can see because for nine months I couldn't even see that...
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Goodbye To You‏

This letter is a very long time in the making... I didn't even realize I was going to write it until I opened this up to write. I had actually written the better part of a blog post but took a break, when I came back this was inspired instead.

Last week I found out through a mutual friend that 'he' was going in for major surgery. Our friend was shocked that I didn't know; how would I know? I don't talk to 'him'. I immediately prayed for him and asked others to do the same.

I then found out he was okay a couple of days later... I was so thankful, I wish I had the words to express how much but honestly I don't have them. I have had a few days to think about it and then I messaged our friend and I told him I no longer want to hear how 'he' is.... I would prefer not to know, he understood and agreed.
Over the last couple of days I have gone through a wide range of emotions... from being elated that he seems to be on the mend to being saddened that for how close we were for the last few years, I had to hear this through a friend.

Although I have moved on and made my peace with the whole mess that it turned into. It hurt that words were taken out of context and misunderstood and instead of talking about it one on one, I just received written words that never gave me the opportunity to respond.

He was my best friend and I will miss that friendship, I know I will love again but will I ever find a best friend again? That is what made losing him out of my life so emotionally hard... how very close we were and how we told each other everything and anything.
In this past week that I came to terms with the fact that 'he' and I will not be friends again. I needed to say goodbye, I wanted to send it to 'him' but I figured he wouldn't read it anyway. So I wrote it here to make it real, if I write it where others can see, it becomes more real to me.

I hope that he's happy, I most certainly wish this for 'him'... wherever he goes in his life...
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I Understand Why

This week seemed to be a turning point for me ... I started off great with the IF program I wrote about last week, I had a few small bumps when I had to deal with some upsetting news. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, I was left trying to get air in... the air of course came and so did the tears. Within a day I had said a heartfelt prayer and others joined in with me. By mid week the crises was over.

I decided that nothing mattered, not the past, not things... only people matter. I realized while dealing with this that all I wanted was for everything to be okay ... even if it meant that I might never regain things I had lost. Although that thought is sad, anytime you lose someone important, it's not easy to deal with... But... if it means they are happy, isn't that all that matters? I decided that was all that mattered to me.
I've been sleeping a bit better, actually dreaming even. Although some dreams are sad, it feels good to dream again. Some of them are good, some quite hopeful.. after this week of turmoil, I understood why some things worked out the way they did, if they had not, other things would not have been able happen ... and they needed to happen.

I couldn't see the big picture for a long time, when I did catch a glimpse of it this week... I was in awe of what was possible. I knew precisely at that moment that I had to go through the nine months of deep sadness that I went through so that I could be ready for what awaits me in the future.
It has changed my outlook on so many things, I'm not sure I can even put words to what I came to understand. This has been a refining and a defining week for me, I could have totally fallen apart but I didn't... and because I didn't I gained some insight I really needed to learn.  I understand a little better why....
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Putting In The Hard Work Brings Success

I had started a post on my phone a couple of days ago, I ended up scrapping most of it after dealing with some life altering changes today. Here's what I learned from them... one, I have to stand my ground and live my life the way I want to live it, I am not going to be pushed/pulled into something because of someone else, no one controls me but me. Two, I am more than capable of making changes when I put my mind to it... Whenever I think I can't do something, I just have to read past posts, which reminds me that if I can lose 75+ pounds in under a year and survive losing 'him' at the same time... I am more than capable of dealing with some small life altering changes.

I had lost my motivation for losing weight, or so I thought. I kept thinking I needed to be in more control and be more present in the present... Although I did not go overboard and eat the way that I used to over a year ago, I was definitely not as careful. I knew that I had gained some weight back as my clothes were fitting to a tee... where they had been loose. I reverted back to my old ways in that I didn't want to step on the scales. Tonight I finally hopped on and I found out that I had only gained a little less then 8 pounds over the past almost four months. I was so happy, so relieved and it motivated me.
I am back mapping my walks whenever possible and putting my food in to My Fitness Pal.  That last one is absolutely key for me. I am ALWAYS successful when I write down what I eat.  This is what works for me, I need to be accountable to myself... that is why Weight Watchers worked for me when I attended years ago. I was reading one of the blogs I follow awhile back (Grace Notes) and she wrote about a weight loss plan she was using. It was called IF, which stands for Intermittent Fasting. She was having great success with it and finally I Googled it last week and read up on it. I realized that this is what I had used to lose the weight without even realizing it.

When I had the best weight loss success last year, it was because I was eating all my food in an 8 hour window each day (usually between 8am to 4pm)... this works for me. So last week I started it again and I feel amazing... as well I am exercising more. I know that this is not something that works for everyone, just like Paleo works for so many people but this would not work for me as I do not eat that amount of meat and it is difficult for me to digest it.  However; this plan works so well for many people. I honestly think that we all have to figure out our way to get there, we are individuals with different needs.

As for my life altering change, I am directly in the middle of it at the moment and once I have a better idea of where I am going from here, I will be blogging about it. At the moment, there are just way too may variables and honestly I don't want to think about it today.  I am not one to put things aside until later but sometimes it is the best thing I can do.... take some time, figure out my options and than make a choice....

This reminds me that no matter how difficult life gets and how many curve balls are thrown my way, I can still eat healthy and not use that as an excuse to check out and gain all the weight back. I am not in a race to see how fast I can lose the most weight, I am in this for the long term, this is a life style change and I couldn't be more grateful for holding on to that when the past few months were quite chaotic.

Having a chaotic life is not an excuse to just eat what I want, it is about dealing with life head on and continuing to grow. I have caught a glimpse of the path in the last few months, it took making me a priority and looking for ways to get back on track. It is so funny (strange) because I learn these great a ha lessons that I write about and then I think I have it... yet I seem to forget what I have learned. I will have to remind myself daily what got me to where I am today (and that is perfectly fine with me, whatever it takes to stay on track and brings me success).
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