What Do I Want For 2014...

What do I want for the New Year?  To conquer my fears, one after the other, I don't want them to control how I feel.  This year I have a list of items, all culminating into something bigger than I have ever done. It starts with me committing to getting in the best shape of my life, then starting on completing my payroll compliance courses so that I will have options.  I am zip lining this year, even if I have to bus it back and forth, although it would be more fun to do with a friend. After that, the sky is the limit.

I met him, he is nice... we have another date on New Years Eve, not exactly sure what we are doing, we are making more solid plans tomorrow.  He's going to stay with a friend of his in Halifax so that he doesn't have to drive back so late that night.  It should be fun, just hanging out getting to know each other. Also, a great way to start off 2014.  Regardless of how it all goes, it has been nice being attracted to someone, I was beginning to wonder if that would ever happen again and it did... and it will again.
I probably won't write again until after the New Year, work will be keeping me very busy for the next couple of days and then I have my date with him.  He told me he considers himself lucky to get to know me, I smiled.  Then I will be back to work and year end will be in full swing, it is the time of year all payroll people do not look forward to.  I have decided that this year will be a year of change for me, since change is inevitable, I am going to embrace it and see how far it gets me.

I have written, rewritten and rewritten this paragraph again and again, why?  Because I wonder how it will be taken or interpreted... Where I plan to make 2014 a year that I embrace change, I really think that 2013 was a year of loss, some good losses... like losing the weight and gaining self esteem and self worth. However; I lost some things that I am not sure I can replace... What I really want to do is start my 2014 off on the right foot, some things can stay back in 2013 but others I hope come through 2014 with me...

Happy New Year to everyone, I hope you all have a blessed year that brings love, joy and happiness <3

2013 And Beyond

Christmas day 2013 is over, Valentina and I had a lovely and quiet holiday this year, she was up early and excited about all her gifts.  She is one of those children that is very happy with whatever she gets, she is a very grateful little girl.  Most of her gifts entailed jewelry this year, all kinds of kits to make her own too and of course she is into make up these days as well.  We had a nice dinner and I didn't bother counting calories, I didn't go over board but I allowed myself to indulge a little... Christmas is about having fun and relaxing, the New Year is just around the corner, I am looking forward to all that it will bring.

So, update on the date... he doesn't live in the city, we had freezing rain in both places last Saturday so it was postponed until this weekend... So far the weather looks like it will be good in both places, we are tentatively speaking about meeting on Friday night.  Hopefully the weather will co operate and we will be able to meet to see if we are as attracted to one another as we seem to be.... Either way I am sure it will be a fun night out of getting to meet someone new.
One week from today the new year will have been rung in, I think this is one of those years I am looking forward to saying good bye to, other than losing the weight ... it has not been a good year.  There were just too many incidents that out weighed the good... maybe it wasn't that there were too many incidents, more like there were bigger issues to have to deal with than I thought I could handle.  I have to say one thing here, I don't like the saying that 'we are never given more than we can handle', I am paraphrasing that.  This year I feel like I was given way more than I could handle and I haven't dealt with the challenges as well as I had hoped.

Losing the weight and becoming healthy was one of the best things I have ever done for myself... I wish I hadn't taken so long to put exercising and eating correctly together, however; even though it took me some time... I am glad I finally got to that crossroads and took on the challenge to become the best me.  I am excited for 2014 and continuing on my healthy plan to take off the last 20 pounds or so that I want to lose. I am aware that it will take making a goal, having dedication and exercising.... the great thing is that I actually love exercising and I see this as a way of life in the future.  I remember wondering if I would ever love exercising but I found my niche (walking) and when I did, it helped me to stay with my goals.
I know that loss in the sad form is something we all have to deal with in our lives ... this year it seemed like there was one loss after the other, each one became more difficult to handle.  One came along and it almost took me down, I don't sleep well to begin with but I rarely slept for months following this loss.  I still don't sleep through a full night, I am actually lucky if I can rest for more than 2-3 hours at a time... this doesn't help me to deal with the challenges I have to handle... sleep would go a long way to helping me... I have been learning to deal with the lack of rest, I wish I could find a way to handle the other challenges I have been given.

I guess that 2013 was a year of change and a year of growth, although these types of years can be overwhelming and challenging... in the long run they can turn out to be the greatest years. It is not easy seeing that, especially since I am still in the middle of all of the changes... I am hoping in 2014 that I will be able to look back and know that everything worked out for the best and I might even be able to be thankful for each challenge I was given...

Inspiration With New Possiblites

I've been inspired to write a letter a week about different parts of my life for one year.  Different events and people that changed my life, either good or bad.  Different life lessons I've learned... I was getting overwhelmed with how to start my book and this came to me.

I write better in letters, I think some of them will be lengthy... some shorter.  I feel so ready to write... I even have certain events... starting with my weight loss... back to the fire... a book from the present to the past, I want to start out with the weight loss and how I gained my life back by deciding to love myself enough to really believe I deserved to be healthy and active, I am after all just 50.  When I set out to lose the weight, I had no idea how much self esteem and self worth I would gain.

I hope that it is able to inspire other people, especially people at my age who think that it's impossible, nothing is impossible... only what our brain limits us to, I no longer want to be limited like I was in the past.  As you all know I have been dealing with some difficult challenges, one of them has come to a conclusion and frankly as much as I thought in the past that I would fall apart, I think I was numb when that challenge came along.  The end result came quickly and I easily let it pass.  The other trial is not one I can just say oh well, I somehow have to figure out how to make that one right.  Someone asked me how long I would wait to see it right, I said for the rest of my life.

That doesn't mean that I am not going to live, I have the other 20 pounds I want to lose, I am going to complete my PCP by the summer and then I have a really big idea of something I want to do but that is down the road.  Oh and I am going on a date on Saturday, he seems sweet.. he's been a gentlemen ... my side that has a hard time trusting wonders if he might be too good to be true.  Anyhow, I will find out Saturday, I am tentatively hoping he is as nice as he is coming off.  I think it will be great to be attracted to someone again, for the past two years I have not been the least bit interested... I think my heart had to have time to heal a little.
I'm still not sure I am ready to love yet but I will never know if I don't try... My heart is leery but this guy has kind of peaked my interest ... which is new to me.  Anyhow, I am taking my time, meeting him for a hot chocolate and talking, then go from there.  So, I am not living in the past and I most definitely don't have my head in the clouds about my future, I am living today... making goals and working on things, I see a lot of improvement.  I am grateful to have some goals and getting my passion back ... I had lacked that part of me for a long time. 

I hope everyone is in the festive mood and getting their last minute things done so that you can enjoy Christmas with your family and friends.  I am getting there, I will just take a couple nights next week and get it all done, I am looking forward to relaxing and watching Christmas shows and movies with Valentina, it is just not Christmas until I have watched it's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street and How the Grinch Stole Christmas... plus we have had snow, so it looks like it might even be a white one. I had planned to read my blogs tonight but that will have to wait until tomorrow when I am a bit more refreshed, I had an hour and half chat with the guy I am meeting on Saturday.. so now it is time for sleep. 


Always Reaching

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Before I was going to write last night, I thought I might get to my reading list but I ended up deciding to write first, then have an early night and sleep in hopefully... then get into my reading.  Do you sometimes find that with each good thing we get into our life, something else happens to complicate it?  I know I have to deal with challenges, otherwise I will never grow to my potential but sometimes it feels like the bad outweighs the good. 

Here is the good and actually I would say it was the great... as of today, I am in One der land, I have not seen a number on a scale that did not have a two in front of it for almost 30 years of my life.  When I think about that, I feel sad for that girl from the past, I had no self worth or self esteem... I definitely tried a few times over the years to lose the weight.  I was successful at times but I never got under the elusive 200, that is always the tough number... in the past I gave up and put the weight back on, today I pushed through and I reached my second goal, the first one being losing 50 pounds. To date I have lost 70 pounds, I have maybe another 20 pounds to take off.
That was a wonderful thing that happened to me in this year because with the weight loss, I started to gain my self esteem back and then came my self worth.  When I look in the mirror today, I like the body image I see... I think the last time I really did that was when I was 16, after that I just gained the weight year after year, losing some... gaining back more.  What is different about this time you might be thinking, that would be the exercising that I am doing along with eating healthy.  As well, I want it... I am dedicated and I am not letting anything get in my way.

Then along comes the challenges that I am really not going to get into because no one can make them right for me... suffice to say I sometimes wonder how I am still standing.  I remember when I was 16 years old and my grandmother told me how she thought I was one of the most tenacious people she knew.  It stuck with me as my nan wasn't one to hand out compliments very often, she was very kind and sweet though.  I remembered that through each challenge I have had, I have held on with tenacity.

I am beginning to believe I had to go through all that to be able to handle the ones I have been given this year.  Unfortunately it isn't just one... but that is life, I have to figure out how to find the joy from the pain that will eventually make me stronger than I am today.  I know this because every time I have dealt with something overwhelming I have been sure I could not handle the pain but I did of course and I became stronger.  That is why at the moment although it seems like I have been handed one too many things to deal with, in reality I just have to figure out a way through them... So I can see what I should be reaching for next.

My Highs And Lows

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Some decisions are nasty no matter what way you look at them, either way was a lose lose for me... Anyway I can't go back and change my mind now, I just have to keep hoping that one day it will feel like it was worth it.  I know this time of year is really rough for a lot of people, including me... until a couple of years ago, Christmas was great but a stressful time of year.  I looked forward to cooking, baking and decorating... last year that changed and this year does not seem better.  I have decided that this week I am going to focus on Christmas, get the tree decorated and get my Christmas shopping done and wrapped.

Then the following week I can do my cleaning done and get my grocery shopping done.  I think with a plan in place now I can finally get into the spirit of the season.  I want 2014 to be the year I change even more for the better, I know I can't wait for this year to be over, it was a year of loss... both good and bad.  Both of which were at the really high end and the really low end of emotions, kind of like a roller coaster...  the highs and lows left me feeling somewhat like I have just ridden one of them.

For the past two weeks I have been a little lax with my food, having a few things here and there that I shouldn't have but that has changed in the past couple of days.  I am not going to allow anything to get in my way of continuing on my weight loss, I don't have very much left to lose and I have a renewed excitement for it ...  I didn't go overboard by any means, I ate enough that I only lost one pound in the past 2 weeks, which is still good on it's own. So I cut myself a break for the last two weeks, since I was dealing with something.

I also got out last night and had a great walk, it only took 15 minutes either way but I power walked there up hill, it felt great and then walking home it was snowing and I ended up testing out running in the snow and that felt amazing.  I actually ran further in the snow than I have on dry pavement... I wasn't even out of breath, I only stopped because I was home.  I feel very lucky to be in the health that I am, six months ago I barely walked for more than five minutes at a time, now I love those challenging hills and the occasional runs.
I know exercising evens me out, I expend so much energy on a walk/jog that I exhaust myself, in a good way.  Lately I am not getting those great walks in and I miss them, last night showed me I can still keep up with walking even in the winter... I just have to watch out for ice and I need to layer up properly like Fitness Cheerleader says.  I am amazed at how much I have physically changed my body in six months, if I had known what I could have done in six months... I would have done it many years ago.  That is why I have decided to make some other changes now, so that they will be accomplished before the the next year is out.

I don't know when I gave up having goals when I was younger but life became more about the day to day mundane things, I want more than that now... more than just getting by.  The only way it is going to get better is if I decide to make it better.  So I have made that choice, I believe having goals is something that will help keep me directed on this path I am on now.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have to lose so much to gain other things.  Wishing won't change things though, as Oprah says, forgiving is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.

Jumping Off The Fence

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I had to take a deep breath to relax myself tonight, first I haven't slept more than 3 hours for the past two nights as I have had a lot on my mind... I have been thinking about the issue that is getting in the way of me sleeing, just being grateful if I have one night of sleep a week.  I have not been able to sleep well for the past 10 years but it is really the past 2 months or so that I have had this much difficulty.  It's because I didn't want to make a decision one way or the other, I'm always afraid of not making the right one.  I thought it was easier living in limbo... since either decision was not going to make me happy.

Normally a decision is cut and dry, this one is the complete opposite. This decision makes me sad either way, for the past two months I held out hoping I didn't have to decide.  However; something has become crystal clear to me in the last week and made me realize that I had to decide on the easiest one of them.  Although I dare anyone to find either one of them easy.  I just know that I have to do something, otherwise in a year... I will be in the same place that I am now.  I honestly don't want that for myself, that is why I finally made a choice.
I think the fact that I made a choice will help me to able to sleep... my mind has been racing for the past two months, rarely letting me rest... it's time to make a change.  Much like I made when I committed to getting healthy and losing the weight, it wasn't easy in the beginning, it was a lot of hard work but it paid off and it is still paying off today.  Hopefully this choice will pan out the same way.  I realized another thing too, I am not ready to date, I really thought I was... I am not saying I won't be ready in the very near future but for today and probably until the end of this year I think I will put that idea on a shelf.

I know that I deserve someone amazing, I have self worth and self esteem... I was talking to that guy from the other day.  He said it is scary to date and I said I didn't think it was scary at all but I did think it was scary to fall in love again.  He questioned me if I was really ready to date since I wasn't sure I wanted to fall in love again.  I knew he was right, I am at the point in my life that although I want that crazy and amazing love that comes from letting go and giving your whole heart to someone and having to trust they won't hurt you.  I am going to need some time to get through the repercussions of this decision I have made.
Either way I was going to need the time, then I will be ready to put myself out there and finally meet that guy I am worthy and deserving of, I believe that kind of love exists.. I see that with people that I know, so I know it can happen... it just has to be in the right place and right time. Lately I have been wishing that I could go back and change one day... so many things would be different right now but the truth is in that song The Dance, I was better off not knowing, otherwise I might not have had some really truly amazing experiences. Although extremely painful now, I am glad I didn't miss the experience...

It's time for me to get out of limbo and finally jump off the fence one way or the other...

Is Silence Golden?

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I have been wanting to write all weekend but my mind wouldn't settle long enough to get the thoughts out... I would start a blog post and half way through I would be writing about a completely different thought.  So I scrapped those two and decided it would be best to just get to bed early, I ended up waking up at 3:30 am and basically I have been up ever since.  Which has left me a great deal of time to just think about things, some things are hard to let myself think about so I tend to do whatever I can not to ...
I did let myself think about it this morning and I came to a realization that I am lost right now, I don't seem to have a direction, I am going in so many ways that I now understand why I can't sleep.  I am not settled with anything right now, everything is up in the air.  I have to move by no later than June, it has not been easy to find a place where I want at the price I want.... I have to figure out something soon though, I can't and don't want to stay here after June.  My work is even chaotic right now, a lot of changes happening that means I have to make drastic changes to stay with them... more training, more knowledge.  Which I sometimes feel I am out of the loop there at times.

Since I am not sure where I will be living, I may have to think out of area which would be changing Valentina's school, I think that would be really hard on her, she will be eleven this spring. That is weighing on my mind, I want to do the best for Valentina and I think keeping her with her friends is the best option, if at all possible. Also with work, it could mean changing positions which could be different hours, like I said, lots of changes for me in the near future.
Plus I have unresolved issues that I am still trying to work out, those tend to be harder than the other issues combined.  I mean, I know I will find a place and move by June, I know I will figure things out at work and move up.  I don't know the answers to my unresolved issues, there isn't an answer that I can come up with, I have tried to work it out to no avail. I wonder if sometimes there is no answer?  That frustrates me, I am the kind of girl who wants answers, explanations, discussions, I don't do well with silence.

I am still losing weight but slower which is fine, I need to get more committed to the gym again, which means less time for writing.  It's a good healthy trade off to be able to get to my goal, I am really excited about that.  It has been a long time since I have been excited about anything, I would like to take this excitement into other parts of my life.  I went out on a date, really nice guy, friendly, respectful but there was nothing there for me.  At least I am trying, I am sure I will meet someone else soon, I am just taking my time and waiting for the right one.

Was What I Lost, Worth What I Gained

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I haven't had writers block, I have had this blog block, I have been writing in my other blog, my personal one, every night.  That is because I can say whatever I want, I don't have to gauge how someone might take it.  I feel like I have been skating on thin ice when I write here, I wonder if I might say something wrong... As well, after I wrote my last entry about deserving even better, it left me pondering a lot of things from that post.  My self esteem used to be wrapped up in if someone loved me or not.

That isn't the way that it is any longer, my self esteem comes from within now ... right where it always should have come from.  I feel though that my lack of self esteem in the past may have hurt me in a greater way... I feel like since I used to be needy that people that saw me that way are unable to see the change in me now.  I understand why people would have a hard time believing that I have changed, I have tried many other times, only to fail... but this time, something different happened.  I really got it, inside me, I got that I deserved to do this for me, I was worth all the effort.

I have been thinking about that a lot because since I have lost my bus pass, I have not been putting in as much effort .... I now make sure that I take two walks per day and I put in the effort to get my heart rate up.  I sometimes try to talk myself out of it but I get myself out, this is important, I need to stay active so that when I get my bus pass pack next week, I will be ready for the gym.  Every time I think of making an excuse not to go, I remember that girl from a short six months ago who had no idea what she was capable of or how strong she was. I never want to lose that feeling
Unfortunately I cannot make other people see the change in me, I just have to keep working on being the best me ... that is all I have control over.  It's not a good feeling when I know that my past behavior comes back to bite me in the butt.  There are consequences to our actions, even if we didn't mean them intentionally.  It is making me think twice about what I say or write now and in the future; my posts from the past are there to remind me where I don't want to go back to... I would delete some of them... a lot of them but then I might forget and I never want to forget where I was and don't want to be in the future.

I was focused on all the wrong things, I was not focused on me.  Since I neglected myself, everything around me was neglected.  When I took my life back this summer, I realized that taking care of me, helped me to be able to take better care of other things around me.  It was a good lesson, one that I plan to remember... the Summer of 2013 was the year I found my self confidence, the Fall brought a challenge I was sure I would fail, sometimes I wonder if I still won't fail but I keep moving forward and making new goals.  Sometimes that is all I can do with the challenges I have been handed, some day it might all make sense.

Until then, I have to keep moving forward, even if I don't always feel like it... Sometimes it is really hard... sometimes I wonder if it is worth it?  Was what I lost, worth what I gained?

Wow, I Deserve Even Better

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Where do I start?  At the beginning?  I then have to ask, which beginning?  The one for him and me, where then I explain how the beginning came long before that. It came from growing up feeling unloved and unwanted... My father was an absent one for the majority of the time and Ruth was my stepmother (she certainly could have lived up to the wicked stepmother).  I know lots of people will say that is not an excuse, they can point out many people who overcame that and had life long loving relationships.  I am not one of them, I am the one who has chosen unavailable men all of her life, why because I never felt worthy of love, I just craved it. However; the more I craved it, the more it eluded me...

The more it eluded me, the more I felt undeserving of it, first I met a man when I was 16 years old, he was 20.  All I can say, is where were my parents, I would not allow my daughter to date someone that old when she was only 16.  I would have put my foot down with Andrea, there are parents who need to step up to the plate, my parents were not those people.  I can't say that it was my mother as she felt she couldn't say much since she had not been in our lives for 10 years. That would be my father who was so lax... I don't know why he was but he was.

Anyway, that first relationship ended after an on again, off again for three years and when it did, it took me less than a month to get over him. Most guys after that were similar, meet a guy... guy is no good... have a short relationship... break up and get over them.  Along comes second important guy, he wouldn't marry me because I had already had a child outside of marriage and he couldn't explain that to his parents.   This coming from a man who had a child outside of marriage that he didn't tell his parents about until years later.  Okay that relationship ended... that took years to really end, it was before my marriage and after my marriage.  It took him being so callous after my ex husband Andrey raped me... saying what did I expect?  NOT THAT!!!!

In between that relationship, I married Andrey... that relationship was awful, from near beginning to the end.  He started out small, with calling me a few names, to yelling, to swearing to pushing... I finally got out of that and then less then a year later, he raped me.  A year after that he threatened to kill me... Somewhere along the line, I lost myself in that marriage... not because I was in love with him, I wasn't for a very long time and it was never real love.  I stayed because I signed papers where I was responsible for him, as soon as I found out I was no longer obligated, I set myself free.

Then I went on a dating spree, I don't think there is a better word for it, I saw who I wanted and I didn't care what anyone thought.   Finally about six months before I started speaking with him, I had settled down, I wanted something more than just frivolous dating.  I fell fast and I fell hard, it was simple, he was sweet, he was kind and I thought finally I was going to be with someone who I was deserving of and someone who was deserving of me.  That of course was not to be...  Then because of how I was raised, where I lacked love as a child, the reason I craved it so much... I held on longer than I should...Continuing to move forward now as I have been, each day moving on...
I keep reading that quote about letting go for something better, I will have to look that one up and add it in here... I can tell you this, he better be amazing, like crazy amazing... I am just not settling for less, I am sure he exists, I'm not giving up hope.  I think when I lost him, I lost hope... I started thinking how could I find anyone who would make me feel that special again but I will and like the quote says it will be even better, this time, the amazing guy will love me too.  I had to have him and lose him to find out that I deserved even better...(not that he wasn't wonderful because he is, that's why I say, wow... I deserve even better).


 The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

When I was younger I used to write poetry all the time, I even had an empty book that I wrote all of them in... one day I lost it and with it I lost my desire to write anymore poems.  It took me another 25 years plus to write anything again... I think it was the hardest post for me to publish, next to my post about being raped.  I have written sporadic poetry over the past year, it is always difficult to hit publish... maybe because it can be taken so many ways and basically they are just words from my heart. 

This was a poem I wrote many years ago...

When I remember all the memories we had
I remember the good times not the bad
Life was so wonderful way back when
Where did it go, I think about it time and again.

I'll always remember the time we shared and how I felt
One caress and a look from you eyes made my heart melt
Your eyes they mesmerized me
Where could that love we had be?

Many times I wonder what broke us apart
I've looked through my mind and felt with my heart
There was no reason that I could see
Maybe we didn't try or was it just me?

Now we're apart and on our own
Be happy with her, I'm glad you're not alone
So, when you remember all the memories we had
Like me Baby, remember the good times and not the bad.

♥«´¨`•°..Launna ..°•´¨`»♥

First Sleep, Then Dream

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

So, I finally have a pill that let me get some sleep last night, however; I will not be able to take a full one on work nights.  I woke up twice through the night but I was so tired both times that I fell right back to sleep.  I slept until nine am and I was in bed by ten pm, so it was a fairly decent sleep... unfortunately it left me feeling sleepy past lunch and I was not able to accomplish what I had hoped, oh well, at least I got some much needed sleep.  I can talk a lot at the best of times but look out when I haven't had sleep, I could talk your ear off then but I lose my train of thought easily too.

I am going to bed early tonight and take a whole one, it will be great to have two nights in a row... normally I am lucky to get one decent night per week.  Hence why I have been trying lots of ways to sleep.  I miss how I used to crawl into bed, have a few thoughts and then fall asleep for the whole night.... Those days are truly missed by me, that was before I felt like I have too many balls in the air and juggling them feels like they are becoming near impossible.  Being a single mama is tough, I feel like I let my child down because I am gone early in the morning, I get home late at night, I don't sleep so I am overly tired.
The whole thing is beyond hard, I know two parent families that have a rough time, doing it all by myself, every single day is overwhelming.  I am hoping that I will be able to continue to get some much needed sleep for a while, which will help me to feel more rested and then I will be more available.  That and if I could just resolve a few issues in my life, I am sure that would free up a couple of the balls I have in the air... I know this would help me to able to breathe a little easier.

Also, I lost my bus pass, so I had to dig down and buy bus tickets to get back and forth to work for the rest of the month. That means no Game Center, I will be walking outside for the rest of the month to have my exercise.  I am sure I will raise my speed by walking outside in this cold, I will want to get home quickly... I think I will take to walking to the bridge in the morning again, that was a great 40-45 minute walk for me and got my heart rate up.
I have to be creative when I have no extra money to get to the gym, especially before Christmas. Luckily for me, I only have a couple of people I buy for, Valentina and Jackson. As well, Valentina is pretty grateful for whatever she gets, she is easy to please and not to highly demanding. For this I am thankful, it is still going to be hard ... I will figure out some way though.  I think we should get our tree up the first week in December, so we can enjoy it for the whole month. 

Christmas and New Years are very difficult for me, it is a reminder of dreams.  I am just going to have to immerse myself in it this year, maybe I will be too busy to remember.  I hope one day I will be too busy to remember, I don't want the holidays to be hard forever, I want to be able to enjoy them again.  I am sure I will figure out a way to turn this around, I always do... somehow.

Trials Equal Blessings

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.
I logically know that I cannot control anything,  yet I am continually trying to control something in my life.  Today I was at work and waiting in between calls, just thinking how far I have come since June 15, 2013, when I started my journey to get healthy and lose weight.  I got on the scale at work this morning and was pleasantly surprised that I was down 65 pounds since then, I have less than 25 pounds left that I want to lose.  This goal is so within my reach, I have taken to walking a little in the morning and at lunch.  I have been working late most of this week so I haven't been able to walk in the evening and Valentina has been sick for about 10 days so we have not been out to the Canada Games Center.

I am giving her the weekend to feel better, she is starting to but I don't want her over doing it and becoming sick again.  So, I won't be back to the gym until Monday... until then I am going to find times to walk, even if they're only for 15 or 20 minute intervals. It is better that I exercise a little than none at all.  I like that I don't dread going out and having to walk now, I usually get out, start walking fast, do a few sprints and then walk fast again... I always feel rejuvenated once I have been out and really pushed myself.

Everyone is saying it's great that I have lost the weight, some people think a little too fast, I don't think so, I really have put a lot of effort into this, besides I have found that it is the one thing I can control right now, eating healthy and exercising as much as I can.  Everything else in my life is up in the air, I personally need to have that one place that I don't feel like I am spinning out of control...  I just want a few things to settle in my life, so that I won't feel like I am going around in circles all the time.  It can be difficult to deal with when it sometimes feels like I don't get a break before the next trial is tossed my way.
I sound like I am not grateful but I am, I am really blessed and very thankful.  When I am having one thing handed to me before I feel like I have the last issue resolved, I start reminding myself of all the great blessings I have in my life.  Sure there are some missing pieces, we all have those but I have so much to feel gratitude for... some days I have to work a little more than others reminding myself of them.  However; I never give up on believing that nothing remains the same, life is always changing and just because my situation doesn't look great right now, does not mean that it won't or can't shift.

I honestly believe that each challenge I have been given in the past few months are ones that will help me to grow beyond what I thought I was capable of... I have to say though, it has been awful, really awful.  Those huge challenges might come with great rewards but while I am going through them, they are overwhelmingly tough.  Right now I am reminded of that story about how we are being sanded and polished with each challenge, I am thinking enough is enough.. a few rough edges are okay with me. Personally, I don't mind a few places that are not polished perfectly, that can come later... however; maybe I don't know best.

I guess I have to give up trying to figure out how to control everything in my life and remember that just because I cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is there because it has always been there.  I want to get through this and look back, breathe a sigh of relief and think wow, I made it through and it was worth it... maybe I can say that in the near future.

Our Dreams Can Come True

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Dreams of you
Dreams that are gone
Looking back

Dreams that are empty
Dreams that are lost
Today is no different

Looking forward
Dreams of tomorrow
Dreams that are alive

Tomorrow has hope
Dreams can be changed
Dreams can come true

I'm Top Priority

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I never have a time I cannot write, I seem to sit down at any given moment and I can put words to paper... I can remember being really young and writing little stories in my head and then writing more complex ones as I became older.  I think that is why the blog worked for me, I could just come here anytime and write whatever I was thinking about or feeling... I never thought of the end result though, opening yourself up can bring about consequences I never envisioned... maybe I should have but I just had a need to write as I always have.

After Andrey raped me and I realized how I had lost myself and my voice, I started to blog... it was my place to just let everything out.  I didn't blog often and very few people read it in the beginning, I was a total mess emotionally.  I did things back than that I would never do today.  Why not today?  Because I have self esteem, I have self confidence now... I have this because I opened up more about myself, talked myself through some really tough times and proved to myself and a lot of other people that it is more than possible to take your life back and make it so much better, even at the age of 50.
A lot of good things came around for me, I learned a great deal about myself in the past few years but more so once I started my weight loss journey in June of this year.  I remember how I decided that something had to change in my life, I could not imagine being where I was in a year from then.... Once I started taking one day at a time and really working towards my goal, I saw fabulous results, the kind that turned heads.  It was really good for me, I started assessing some of my old patterns.  I realized what little self confidence I had in myself, I had myself convinced that I didn't deserve anything decent, kind or loving.

The more weight I lost the more that I saw how curvy I was and it made me feel good.  I liked and do like that I have made my body look better than it has in years.  I did that, my determination did that, nothing got it my way.  In the past two weeks I let something get in the way, that something changed how I felt about writing here.  I am determined and I still am that I am to write to show everyone that change is possible.  It was and is good for me to write in other places that is just for me, sometimes we need to be able to just lay it all out in one place than leave it there.  That's what I have been doing there... just writing whatever comes to mind.

But by doing that, I have spent upwards of two hours at a time just writing about growing up, being a single mom twice, once when I was younger, another when I was older, the rape... on and on... whatever comes to mind.  I just say it all, all my feelings no matter what they are, they just come out.  The process has been interesting and hard, lots of emotions come out, some that I never suspected.  I purge it all though, in the writing so that I don't carry it with me anymore.  I want my insides to match my outsides... I am not far from my goal and I know that I look so much better than I even I thought I could.

I am grateful that I have gained self confidence before I even get to my goal weight, I learned I had to love myself no matter what weight I was at, that was the only way I would never accept less for myself in the future.  I knew I was on the right path when I got the a ha moment from it this summer, it was realizing that I never knew my worth and how I plan never to lose that again.  I don't plan to ever gain the weight back but if I did, I would still know my worth.  Once I saw my worth, that is when I gained my confidence... that was when I started expecting more.
I have a list of things I want in a man and although they may be difficult to reach, I think he is out there, he is just going to have to work harder than most to wow me... I told a friend that earlier and I meant it.  I think he is out there, time will tell but until then I am not hanging with guys that are not worth my time.  I am spending more time looking after myself, continuing with the exercise and weight loss, finishing my two courses to have my PCP so that I can run payroll anywhere down the road if I wanted to... it is always good to have options.

I may only write here sporadically, sometimes often, sometimes not... it will all depend on what time I have after I have done the things I need to do, exercising, writing in the other blog (which is where my book will come from) and getting my PCP (payroll compliance practitioner) through work.  There is only so much of me and my time to go around.  Also, I am looking at getting a councilor... I need to find someone who will challenge me, not be entertained by me.  Somehow I will have to fit that into my busy life but it is important, so I am making that top priority.. I am making me top priority. 

Better Than The Day Before

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I spent two hours typing in the other blog yesterday and the day before, it is amazing what comes out of you when you just say what you feel no matter what, the only person that can judge you is yourself and I have come too far to judge myself that harshly.  I have made many mistakes over the years, some of them had bigger consequences depending on the incident.  What I came away with after I had written as much as I could write, was that although I have made mistakes, I have grown... lately I have grown in leaps and bounds.

No matter how difficult things are going in my life and currently they are not great... I see that I have a determination and commitment that I have never really had before.  I love that I am still so focused... I have a goal to get to for my weight and a goal to become the best me... Frankly the old me would have thrown the towel in and just gone to town with the food, not caring, just numbing myself.  I don't want to do that anymore, I always want to be cognizant of what I am eating...

When I say things are not great lately, I mean they are just so up in the air... I feel like I am just tying to get my feet under me but another thing comes along to add to the pile.  I have some great things happening, I am still losing weight and this week I didn't even put the effort in other than the food part which I followed.  I still managed to lose 1.6 pounds with minimal exercise... I can just imagine what I would have lost if I had put in the effort... Next week I am going exercise since I miss it so much, it is such a great way to get rid of tension... it is a good place to work things out.

I think writing the last few nights have helped me to see a couple of my issues in another light, frankly I have been overwhelmed by a few things which affects other areas of my life.  After writing last night I knew that when I exercised even when I felt this way, I would always feel better for putting forth the effort.  This last week I have had one thing come up after another so I wasn't able to make it out to the gym, those were only excuses though.  I didn't put the effort in, I should have bypassed some of those and just did it... I have that fire back inside.  I am looking forward into getting in some form of exercise tomorrow.
I planned to walk at lunch today but it poured rain, so I will attempt this all again tomorrow.  I am not giving up on myself, I am not sliding backwards.  Life may have just thrown me a dozen loops or more but I am not giving into the stress and allowing myself to ever go back.  I want better, I want more... I deserve more.  My body misses exercise, I miss pushing myself beyond my limits... I remember wondering how people could walk a mile in under 15 minutes... now I do it all the time.  Especially when I am pushing myself, it feels good to get out and get rid of some stress along the way.

I was thinking, I need a friendly little contest or competition, since I am highly competitive it would get me out exercising again.  I will have to come up with some idea in the next day or so, it would be fun to complete again.   I could be at my goal weight for January, the latest February... I am getting excited, I can hardly wait to see how I look when I get there and see how I feel.  Already I feel amazing losing 61 and half pounds and all in five months... I can just imagine how much better I will be feeling once the other 20-25 pounds is gone. 

Time for me to exhale again... I have been holding my breath waiting for the next awful thing to happen... tonight I am going to look for the next good thing and I am going to make good things happen.  I am not going to be defined by my past, I have moved away from that, I have made changes and I have learned a lot of hard lessons.  I have lost a great deal, more than I thought I could handle... I am still here though, still wanting to be better than the day before, isn't that all we can do...