I Am Who I Am

We gather strength from sadness and from pain Each time we die we learn to live again.~Unknown

Okay, first and foremost, I am sorry if have been down in my blog... I have been sad.  It's my outlet to be able to say how I am feeling at any given moment.  As it is I only have one person in my life who I can really say how I feel and he has been super busy with his job and course.  I would say this to other people but I feel judged and I say this because anytime I am sad and I say that, people want to strongly remind me of how blessed I am.

I wish that everyone knew, really knew that I am extremely grateful for all the blessings I have in my life, they are numerous, when I start to count them, I could go on forever.  I am lucky, very lucky~I know that.  Sure I have had a difficult life, I have overcome one challenge after another.  I also know that I have not just survived, I have thrived.

When is it okay for me to be sad and unhappy?  Is there ever a good time?  Or am I supposed to be insanely happy all the time?  I know people don't know how to deal with someone when they are sad?  I do... I understand.  I get those people, I know that sometimes life is just a little bit too much.  That happens, if it didn't a person is not being real and I really want a person to be real with me.  It's all wonderful for them to be super happy and upbeat and I think that is awesome but I want to be able to just say how I feel whenever.  That is me... Since I am almost 49, getting close to 50, my take on this is like me as I am or don't.  I am not trying to have everyone like me, life is not a popularity contest, I am not going to be fake or phony.  I will always be me.

I spent my whole life trying to be whatever other people wanted me to be, no longer will I do this.  First, I had to be an angel with my step mother, she would just beat us for no reason, stand us in corners or closest for hours, beat us with a belt, a wooden fence piece one time, threatened to shoot me with rifle once, kicked me... I could go on but you get the picture.   She told me I was fat when I was 12 years old and weighed 107 lbs at 5 feet 6 inches... I was a rail... she told me that when a man loved me... it wouldn't be for what I looked like, he would have to see through that and love me for who I was... nice... really nice.

I don't even want to go into my father but I will, he was there, did whatever he could to keep his children, for what????  he didn't pay one bit of attention to us to see we lived in fear, to see we were unhappy, to see we were looking for love in all the wrong places... he only cared that he looked good for keeping his children, he didn't want to see what was going on, for if he did, he would have had to leave.  He didn't want to do anything about it because he couldn't see how he could raise 3 girls on his own, so he turned a blind eye.

Next I fell in love with a man at 23 years old, he was raised in Europe where in his mind he would never be able to bring me home to his parents because I had a child out of wedlock at the age of 18, so he then married a woman he didn't even love because he could take her home to his parents.  How do I know that he didn't love her, he told me, for years.  Then when he found out that Andrey held me down against my will and raped me, he said... what did I expect?  NOT THAT....  I didn't deserve that.  That phrase and that act finally made me get over him.

Next I married Andrey, maybe because I didn't think I could do any better, I don't know.   I could analyze this all day and not come up with a good enough answer. All I can say in my defense is that he was not nearly the jerk and creep that he is now, it got worse after we were married for a year.  No, I am not saying he was a prince when we were dating, I think that I just felt so little about myself and had given up.  I finally found a way to have him taken out of my life, then he raped me...  He couldn't handle not having control over me.  Well, he no longer has any control over me; he can get over himself.

Now, I finally got my self together in the last few years, finally started thinking better of myself, knowing I deserved real and honest love.  Along came David and he made me believe it was real.  I have never been more myself with another human being in my life.  We talked every single day for months, if we couldn't talk, we texted, we emailed.... we were crazy to see each other... the time came and it was awesome, it was incredible.   I felt loved, finally... I felt loved for me.  I could see a future... it was real to me.

Then that all fell apart too... can you see why I am sad?  I try every day to be happy regardless.   I think I have a right to be sad sometimes, I think I have a right to cry.   If I didn't I wouldn't be human.   I am who I am... like me or not.  I have been through hell and back.  I know other people have had difficult lives, I understand those people, I get how they feel.  In no way do I think mine is worse than others, in no way do I think that it gives me the right to be negative and sad all the time.

I do however have the right to be sad, my long term dream is gone.   I have always wanted one thing in this life, I have wanted to be loved and cherished by a man who really got me and I thought I had that... I don't.  So, I will go on, I will find a way to be happy, it just won't be tomorrow.  Since I am a survivor, I always see the light at the end of the tunnel, it will be there for me in the future.  I still have hope for that but not for love.

I have two amazing daughters, I have many things other people would love to have and I am well aware of that... I am sorry if I sound selfish because I wanted long term love and I didn't get it.  However; I will never be sorry for having had it with David, even though it was short and it didn't last.  Even though it makes me sad right now, I will look back on this as one of the most wonderful times in my life.  For once in my life, I was truly happy and really felt loved and wanted.

Anyhow, I am sorry for the long post, I just needed to say how I felt because I was feeling like people don't think I have the right to be sad... we all have that right at times.  Sad things happen to us, we just need to not let it take us over for the rest of our lives and I won't but six months is not the rest of my life.  We all need to take time to grieve for loss, think about it that way and I hope you will all understand why I will be sad off and on for the next little while.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

True Gratitude

I need to make this post about what I'm truly grateful for, not that I'm not thankful for so much in my life but lately I don't find it as easy to just go to my gratitude list as I have in the past.

I realize I'm being selfish when my life is full of blessings.  I have my two daughters, my son-in-law Paul, my grandson Jackson, my health, a home to live in, plenty of food, awesome friends, the gospel, my job, my blog, I live in a free country, I can see, I can hear, I can walk, I can talk, I'm funny, I'm friendly.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to erase the past then to deal with it but deep down I know that's not true; I wouldn't be me without my past.  I guess I'm just having a tough time getting to that next level.

Can I ask you all to pray or send positive and uplifting thoughts for me.  I do this everyday for the people that are in my life whether you are directly in my life or in my blog.  I just really need to start seeing the good again and not just for a day.

I need to somehow learn to be happy again.  I was happy, really happy, for a long time.  I've found it so hard to be happy for more than day here and there lately.  It's because I allowed my heart to be open and now it's in pain.

I think I need to take each day and pick something I'm grateful for and dwell on it, blog about it and be thankful for it.  I want being happy to be a way of life, it was at one time, it can be again.

Mostly I've learned a very hard lesson, I will never open my heart again, I'm not looking for my best friend, I found him; I'm not looking for my soul mate, I found him; I'm not looking for the love of my life, I found him.  Only to lose him.

I'm am grateful for the past, present and future.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Self Image

I read a great blog last night about self image, I was so touched by it, it made me cry and really think.  She is a little over weight but has a fabulous shape yet she self loathes because of her eating habits. It made me really look at my eating habits.  When I was on my 30 day cleanse, I ate so wonderfully and truly enjoyed it.  For the past month I've not been eating as well.  Also the post brought up issues about whether I have actually come to accept myself or if I'm self loathing at times.  What I'm going to write now is not anything I've been told or even implied recently, it's my thoughts. 

After Andrey raped me and he had degraded me over and over for years. To the point where part of me started to believe him, the one where I'm too old, ugly, fat and disgusting; who would want me?  A year after the rape, I was so unhappy and empty that I tried to fill myself up with men.  Wasn't Andrey wrong?  There were men who wanted me, they became my high, one was not enough, I had to have more. Most of these men were beautiful and they wanted me.  As time went on, I came to realize through counseling and my own moral values, that this behavior would not bring me any lasting happiness.

It all came to a head when David and I reconnected in November, when it actually looked like we were going to see each other after 22 years.  I became nervous, I made David get on Skype to see me, I did a couple of twirls.  I explained I wasn't tiny, he said not to worry, he wasn't tiny and he told me over and over I was beautiful.  My weight was not my only issue, the scars that I have on my body from being burned in the fire, caused me some fear and I don't know why, they never did before.  I'm a woman that knows how to dress my body to look at its optimum, I am curvy. I wear clothes that fit but are not extremely tight but definitely no big sweatshirts.  I know how to dress my assets.  That was not my concern, it was having David see me otherwise.  It had been 12 years since I had allowed anyone to see me that way.

 I was nervous but as David said we have all changed over the years and that I was beautiful to him on the outside because I was so beautiful on the inside.  I started to relax and be comfortable in my own skin. Everything was wonderful between us, we connected closer than I had with anyone in my life.  Then he left after the new year and when we talked after he got home, he told me that he still had feelings for his ex.  I was heart broken but we are still so close, so connected.  Then last month he said he was trying to move on from his ex and it wasn't going to be with me, he felt we both needed to move on.  Maybe my body was the issue all along.  He's never said that, he's always said I was beautiful. What is wrong with me? 

That's the first thing I thought and that is when I started eating poorly again. Hmmm, it took that blog to show me, I had started feeling empty again and instead of filling it up with good things, I tried food.  It's not making me happy, I haven't told David what I thought, I need to say it to him even if it's not true, I need to be able to say how I'm feeling.  He is my best friend, he wouldn't want me to hold it in.  It's just his life is so busy with his new position and his course. 

If I'm ever to heal, I need to be honest and bring this out into the light.  Otherwise I'll eat back the 44 lbs I lost and more on top of it, I've already ate 4 lbs back, I need to get control of it.   Why is my self image so wrapped up in what other people think?  I thought I had cleared that hurdle.  Sad to say I haven't.  Before anyone thinks for one minute that I don't see or feel my blessings they would be wrong.  Also as I have stated above, David has never said or implied anything like this, he's told me often that I'm beautiful and wonderful.

I'm sure when I tell him what I've been feeling, he'll be sad for me that I felt that but he won't poo poo it away with words.  He'll want me to feel about myself the way that he really feels towards me.  That is that I'm smart and beautiful inside and out and that I deserve only the best.  I hope all that will be enough for me, the insecure me.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Dream Big

I believe in dreaming big, if you dream small, you get small.  If you dream big you might not get everything you want but you get so much more.  I've had some dreams that seemed unattainable to others, I just knew they were meant to happen for me.

If I listened to all the negative things people said I would still be where I was when I was 18.  I refused to think that was the best that I could do. Sometimes I come off a little full of myself, it's not that at all, I just believe in myself.  We all need to do that more often, repeat after me, I am awesome, I am amazing!   You are too you know!!

I have actually made something of myself, I was a single mom at the age of 18, on the welfare system.  That was NEVER good enough for me.  I took courses, worked part time, I eventually worked two jobs around the clock until I was finally able to hold down one fairly decent paying job.

I did everything I could to make sure my daughter did not become a statistic, she didn't.  She is successful and happy. She is married to the man of her dreams, she has a career she loves, a home and most important she is a mama to her beautiful son Jackson.

I'm so proud of her that she didn't just give into her circumstances.  She could have, that would have been easy but like me she wanted better for herself.  I am expecting wonderful things from my Valentina.  I think as parents we have to expect the best, otherwise our children will settle.

I don't mean that we choose our children's lives for them because that is wrong, they have to make their own choices for them to be happy.  I just really think we need them to know that we expect their best.  I am about excellence and not about mediocrity.  Too many people settle.

I'm not settling for anything, I expect the best, especially from myself.  I'm a firm believer that children do as you do, not as you say.  So I'm setting the bar high but very achievable.  I want to teach my children something very important, for them to progress they always have to live outside their comfort zone.

I've written lists of what I want in 1 year, 3 years and 5 years. Some are wacky and out there but I don't care, I'm out to prove the universe gives you what you ask for, which is whatever you want.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Love Can Heal Hate

I read this quote and instantly fell in love with it.  I am wondering how I missed it in the past?  I am sure other people have seen it before.  Makes me question where I've been, lol.  Oh well, I've read it finally and I think it is one amazingly true quote. I'm in awe of Martin Luther King Jr,  he was one amazing man

I'm going to see if I  can find it on line so that I can pin it on Pinterest and I also want to put it on my vision board.  I have an online vision board that I love but I always have to rely on other people to fix it. I have a cork board and I am making one to go on my wall in the living room.  I'm going to get a smaller one for my bedroom too.

Once I've made them, I'm taking pictures for my blog. I'm kind of excited; I can finally put exactly what I want on it not what other people think I should have there. I'm really grateful for my daughter Andrea who made my beautiful board in the past but I do need to change it up.

Martin Luther King Jr. is so right, the only way that we can overcome darkness is to bring light into it. Everyone wants to know why Heavenly Father doesn't stop people from suffering? Because, that would be taking away our free agency.  We are the ones who need to stand up for each other. We cannot expect God to fix everything for us.

We need to love each other and we most definitely need to stop judging each other.  Not one of is perfect on this earth.   When we judge we show how  illiterate we are, or how much we think it's okay when it is NOT okay. I really wish we remembered that love is the way and what will bring us the most happiness.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Choices Of The Heart Are Worth It

I was reading over my blogs that I follow and one person had a song about if they had known how hard the fall would be from loving someone that they would never have taken the chance.

I think it's good we don't know the outcome, for if did we would never take a chance and we wouldn't grow. I would never change my memories of David; if someone gave me a magic wand and said that I could change the past.  I wouldn't go back and change ours, although the fall was hard and painful, it was also the most wonderful time in my life.  How could anyone want to give up those beautiful memories even if the aftermath brought so much pain that feels unbearable. The memories make it worth it.  I still smile when I think of that time, it always makes me happy.

It's the after part that makes me sad.  I really love the song by Garth Brooks 'The Dance', I'm really NOT into country music but these words resonate with me. Two weeks ago I was in so much pain about losing David, I mean I sobbed and was unsure how I could continue to handle the pain.   I thought that if I stepped back, dealt with the pain on my own, maybe then I would be strong enough to just be friends.  What I found is that I am not any happier or any more sad than when he and I spoke regularly.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

I feel like I just had to get some perspective, just had to think and get myself together.  What I need is something that I can't have right now, so what I need to do is focus on what I can do now.  Work on being a wonderful mama, work on myself inside and out, work on my career, work on my dreams.  I think once I focus on something else other than what I desire most in my life.  Maybe then I will be able to deal with the pain of loss.

There are so many people in this world that have so much more pain than even me, yes I have had one sad and traumatic life altering change after another but I also have been blessed to have found my soul mate, my best friend.  How can I not share my life with him because of sadness on my part, that is selfish of me.  I am denying myself and him of our close friendship.  I am doing exactly what Tony did to me over 4 years ago.  I don't want to be that way, I want to be an adult, I want to show that I can be just friends, best friends, for now!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Love, My Best Friend

Do you remember a time when you were really happy?  You know a time where you smiled on the inside and out.  It's been a long time for me.  I have had some really happy moments lately but I haven't had that insane happiness.  The ones I had with David through the two months of November and December in 2011.  I had the most amazing holidays, I'll never forget how happy and wonderful it was.  In my heart it's real <3

I love that you love me, I love that you are to there to catch me but most of all I love that you're my best friend.

I had a dream come true, my fairy tale love , my one and only.  He's everything I've always wanted and now it's so hard that we are apart.  Every other day I think I can't do this, I can't be only friends, I can't be without him.  My emotions are on a roller coaster, I try so hard to keep myself together.  I don't want to make it harder on him or on myself.  I know that even if I do make it hard on him, he will be there for me no matter what.  We are best friends, we are soul mates.

Yet if I really love him, I have to let him go.  As painful as that will be, it is the right thing to do.  Because I love him I want him to be happy, my love letter to you, even though I know I would/could make him insanely happy; he has to want that from me.   No one on this earth or anywhere else will ever love him as much as I do.  I am willing to let him go but we will always be best friends.  Whenever I need him, he will be there and whenever he needs me, I will be there.

The truth is that no one knows what the future and the eternities hold, I have faith that everything will be as it should be.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Am I Ready To Fly

Fly to be free
Don't fly to get away from the past
Fly to explore the future

I am blessed because I have people in my life who believe in me. When times are tough, these people always remind me about the good qualities I have, apparently I have a few;), especially when I have a difficult time seeing them myself.

I have Cindy, we've been great friends for about 23 years (I think!).  She cheers me on even though she does not agree with me often.  I know I drive her crazy with some of my decisions but she does support me in the better ones.

Of course I have my daughter Andrea who is always quick to point out things I can change which is fine, she loves me.  Even though I have driven her a little crazy over the years.  We grew up together and she turned out wonderful despite my of lack of conformity.

Also I have my David, although things are not as easy for us right now as they have been in the past, what relationship is?   I know that I can always count on him to be there for me and I will always be there for him too. Life is busy for both of us, heck life is busy for everyone.  I think we all need to simplify.

Lately I have been feeling like I have to push myself outside my comfort zone, I always like being comfortable at ease, I can't stand to feel that I am out of control.  When I am out of control, I am terrified... that is supposed to be good right?  I have written how change can be awesome but when it comes right down to it, I didn't want to change... I just wanted everything handed to me because I am a good person.  Now I see that is not enough, I have to stretch outside my comfort zone and prove to myself that I can do it.

This is only the start, I have a huge change that is coming but I am really looking forward to the outcome.  The outcome will be amazing and exactly everything I have worked and hoped for all my life. I saw something today that showed me that it is okay if I am the only one to believe in something, I can know the truth when no one else believes, I have to believe in myself.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Love ~ Peace ~ Joy

"Kindness can become its own motive. We are made kind by being kind."

Eric Hoffer

This quote spoke to me this morning, I believe it's true.  This is difficult as when kind people are kind it is not always received the same way.  People that are not kind take it as an opportunity to use you; this used to bother me but now I feel that is their issue.   I am going to continue to be kind and loving.

Does this mean I will let someone walk all over me, NO!  I have boundaries.   Otherwise I'd just be a door mat, which I'm not.  I am a daughter of Heavenly Father who wants to give good out to the world no matter what it gives back.  I've been thrown huge curve balls, they do not make me who I am. 

Who I am is who I choose to be.  I choose to be kind, giving and loving regardless of what is thrown my way. When someone chooses to judge me (because that is a choice), I choose to love them.  I will always pick the road of love, otherwise I will just be a pain filled person that has only pain to offer the world. 

Doesn't the world have enough pain, why would we mirror that back?   Just because it's easy?  Even if it's hard, I want to project love.  Don't get me wrong, in no way do I think I'm perfect!  Far from it, I'm sure I will stumble, I am as human as the next person. What I'm saying is that when I stumble as I'm bound to do; I will pick myself up and choose to not let it destroy me.

If I can survive the challenges I have been thrown and still be standing; that shows me I have a massive amount of strength. It's not always easy being strong, it would be so much simpler of we could just lock the door and never come out or hide under a rock.

How would we ever feel the joy we've been promised "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25.  (I don't usually quote scripture but this one touches me a lot.  I also want you all to know that I respect all people's religions and thoughts, I make no judgments).    When I am given a choice between joy and pain, you think I would always choose joy, I haven't always made that choice in the past.  Mainly because I didn't think that I deserved it but I do, we all do

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Overcoming Addictions

I need to listen to myself more; I know deep down what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm going.  Just because some people doubt this doesn't mean it's not meant to be.

I think being so sick centered me, I was so in tune with how I felt.  It wasn't even something I could cover up.  Nothing would have really worked, I just had to let it run its course.  Plus I was able to see and feel things I might not have otherwise seen.

I was thinking about all the addictions I've had in my life and how all they truly ended up being, were things to cover up pain, something to stop me from feeling.  Since I no longer have those addictions I find myself actually feeling, it's painful but it's the only way I can heal.

If I don't allow myself to feel, then I will never heal and grow to my potential.  The more I feel, the more I want to cover the pain but I made myself a promise that I won't cover it anymore.  I have to keep a promise to myself sometime. 

All this means is that I can cry just like that and laugh the next minute.  Although it's difficult to see at the moment, I know there is beauty in feeling, for if we refuse to feel pain we will never really feel joy.  I want to feel true joy!

I've had many addictions, I was the queen of covering up and not feeling; there is little I haven't done to not feel.  I don't think poorly of myself, I was a hurt little girl inside who couldn't see a way out, it didn't mean I was bad, it meant I was sad.

If Heavenly Father can forgive me, I don't have to worry about what other people think of those addictions.  As David says and I believe whole heartedly, I am not my past; I have found a different way to deal with my pain now, it's called feeling my emotions.

Is it hard to feel?   You bet it is but the alternative isn't an option anymore.  Every time I feel like sliding I first think of Heavenly Father, then myself and then David (three people I no longer want to disappoint).

Always put your fears behind you and your dreams in front of you.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Tenacious Faith

I have been so ill for the past 33 hours, it was the type of illness where my fever reached a peak and I had all kinds of odd thoughts.  I slept for 19 hours, then I finally woke up feeling myself.  I am rarely the type to become ill, not since four years ago when I was so sick for seven weeks, I figure that seven weeks is good for 5-6 years.

If something is not happening for you
It doesn't mean it's never going to happen
It means you're not ready for it.

I've been praying for different things, I believe in prayer.  If we don't ask, we won't receive, it all takes a little faith. Now I do think that we need to pray for good things that will enhance  our lives, for me, I think it's about getting back to basics.

Some of my prayers are huge and I sometimes wonder how they can happen but last night when I had a high fever I saw one of them in my hazy thoughts.  It was so real, I could almost reach out and touch it.  I actually think I needed this as I was losing faith; Heavenly Father answers prayers in different ways for all of us.

I watch my daughter Valentina who has no preconceived thoughts that prayers cannot be answered.  She believes that all she has to do is pray and it will happen.  Part of me wants to protect her and explain that just because we believe doesn't mean it will happen. After all I don't want her being too disappointed.

Then I think that I should have her faith, the faith of a child who believes no matter what.  I know that's what Heavenly Father wants from us, full belief, not part way.   He doesn't want us to say I want this but if I can't have this, I'll take this.

There is nothing too big for God/Universe to give to us, all we have to do is really have faith, tenacious faith, the faith of a child.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Right Here And Now

Just because I know what is meant to be doesn't make life any easier, sometimes I think it is harder, which is kind of unfair.  Life is anything but fair though, nor is it easy.  I guess that if it was as easy as we wished it was, we wouldn't have to have faith. This whole weekend has been about having faith.  Nothing is given to us without first putting forth a lot of effort then having faith.

If I were to give up as quickly as the  world thinks I should, where would I be? Not as far along as I am, yet I can always be better.  I need to start having more faith in myself; I really need to believe in myself as my family and friends do.

I have a dream I know I am meant to achieve; it's a big dream.  The kind that is scary but can be so rewarding.  I think that it's one of the reasons that I am not getting my hearts desire at this moment in my life.

For if I did get exactly what I wanted, I wouldn't live up to my full potential.   I would be too content and yes there is such a thing as being too content.  We always need to be stretching ourselves to be better, otherwise we cannot give of ourselves through service.

I read in 'The Daily Love' by Mastin Kipp how we have to be whole so that we attract whole people and that we need to love ourselves and people in our lives as they are right now.  Real and honest love truly is not just loving a persons potential, it is about loving the person where they are now.  I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing potential in the people we love.

Where the problem lies as Mastin says and I believe, is when we become disillusioned with who we love because they cannot see all that we can see.  That is how relationships and marriages end; we seem to refuse to love the people in our lives for who they are right here and now.

True Intimacy Isn't Sexual

Intimacy is from the word INNERMOST and relates to a sharing of one's inner thoughts, feelings and self 

I have been pondering what intimacy is to me, one of the dictionary meanings I read was as follows:  a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person.  I agree with this definition to some degree, other definitions say intimacy is sexual, I don't really believe that true intimacy is sexual at all.  I think it when you know a person and when you allow them to really know you.

I believe that when you really let someone see your inner soul, the real you, that is when you have true intimacy.  This is difficult, mainly because of the fear of rejection and the fear that you will be ridiculed.  I never had that true intimacy with another person until I had that with David.  I guess that is why it is difficult for me when our relationship didn't work out the way that I expected or knew that it should.  Do I wish that I had not shared myself so openly with him?  No!

He may not see that I am the best woman for him now, his loss as I am amazing, lol.  One day he will know that I am the best woman for him, just not sure if it will be too late for him to make it okay and not have regrets.   I say this as I believe what we have to be true and honest intimacy, the kind where we will always be close to each other, I don't regret being so intimate with David, we will always be that close to each other, no matter where the future leads.

True intimacy has respect, love, honesty, kindness, gentleness, courage and many other wonderful qualities.  I wish all people would have at least one person in their life that they would feel this close to, this open with.  Someone that they can be totally real with.  It is an amazing feeling that I hold close to my heart and my soul.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

What Makes A Man A Real Man

I've been contemplating this all day, what makes a man a good father?  I had a dad who refused to give up his children but then didn't take an active role in our lives.  I think he did better then his own father who left his family when my dad was 10 years old, so my father was basically raised by a single mother, this was really hard to do in the early 1950's (it's difficult now but it had to have been incredibly hard in that era).   My father did the best that he could with what he knew at the time. 

I feel that what makes a man a really good father is the men that have had really difficult childhoods who rose above them and became amazing daddies.  David is one of these, he was raised by his mother alone since the age of 5 and he didn't have a role model of a great father, yet he became an amazing daddy to his children.  You can tell he is a great daddy by the way his daughter dotes on him, I find it very refreshing.

I know there are so many fathers who have not had perfect upbringings themselves but they have overcome their childhoods to become wonderful and caring daddies.  I wish more men took their roles of being a daddy as the most important role in their lives.  There can be many ways a man can gain respect but having the respect of their children is the biggest thing they can ever do.  Sometimes I think that this world doesn't respect when a man is a good father, the world thinks it is more important to succeed in their careers... that is sad.

I think this is just another problem in this world that holds a career in higher regards for a man than how he is as a father.  This is why I love when I see a man who shows up and proves the world wrong by being an incredible daddy.  I see many amazing daddies at my church who think of their children as the precious and wonderful beings that they are.

I want to wish every wonderful father an amazing Father's Day.  In my life there are two incredible fathers that I know, first there is my wonderful and amazing son-in-law Paul Miller, first he is an awesome husband to my beautiful daughter Andrea and a wonderful father to my adorable grandson Jackson.  I love seeing pictures of him snuggling with Jackson.  Also, my David is an incredible daddy, you can tell this by how his daughter expresses the love she has for her daddy when she talks of him.   I think these two daddies in my life are wonderful examples of what makes a man amazing.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Making Changes For Me

I completed my CPA questions and assignment, wooo.  Two more chapters and then the final, I'll be a really happy girl.  I'm already happy, I just want the tension gone from worrying about assignments.

I even feel better about David, I'm still taking time to heal, I have to.  I don't want to be crying every second day.  Even though he and I are soul mate best friends; it would be tiring for him to just hear me cry or know I was sad all the time.

I know that taking this time will heal me so that I can be best friends with him. I want him in my life but I want to be happy about it, I don't want to live in the past and with the memories.  The past is just that, the past.

I only have today, I have things in my life that I need to fix then we will see where the future leads.  I want the whole package or I want nothing.  As sad as I would be for not having romantic love in my life, I'll deal with it.

With my CPA course I haven't been able to read my blogs, I'm catching up over the weekend. I really miss reading all my blogs from my reading list.  There are so many people I look forward to reading, from the fashion blogs, to the poetry one, to the life blogs.  

It's funny how a day or two makes a difference.  That's why when I have those sad dark moments that I remind myself strongly that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  No matter how hard a day is, I believe things can turn around on a dime.

I just needed to get perspective, I really need to give service to others and stop dwelling in the past.  That is what makes us sad; does that mean that I have stopped loving David, I'm pretty sure that won't change any time too soon.  The rose colored glasses have come off though and that is good.

I still think he's amazing but I no longer sit in awe of him, he's just a human being like me.  Yes he's kind, loving and wonderful; he does have his faults though, he doesn't see that I'm the best for him.  Besides I told David that it's his loss, I'm awesome;). He laughed  and said you ARE awesome.  Anyhow , time to work on being the best me that I can be.

This weekend is going to be for me and Valentina and some cooking :).   Also catching up on all my blogs. Have an awesome weekend everyone:)

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Sun Will Rise Again

I had another post written from this morning but then I went out to visit teach some friends from my church with my friend Eileen.  I had an amazing time laughing and talking about so many different topics. I just really enjoyed getting to know these women more.  I feel blessed to have this opportunity to get to know people I might otherwise not get to know.

I just realized something today that really helped me put things into perspective about David, the feelings that David had for me have only been since the late summer of 2011.  I've had feelings for him since I was 15 and they only intensified when I realized he had feelings for me.  It was just so easy to let go and fall in love with him.  I already had feelings for him for 33 years.  I guess I can see why that would be difficult for him to understand why I'm having trouble getting over him.  Not that he doesn't feel that I have the right to be sad and disappointed, he just doesn't understand I only needed the opportunity to let go and fall in love with him.  He really had no idea how much I already felt for him and how easy it was for me to fall for him.  The sad thing is yes, it was easy to fall in love with him but not so easy to let go, now I have to pick up the pieces and it won't be easy.

I will get a handle on this, I will figure out how to get through... if I can survive childhood abuse, being treated like no one when I was married and being raped; I can survive this right?  I have to say this one seems so much more painful, I've sobbed my heart out and I'm surprised I have a heart left.

There are so many more worse things happening on this planet than my little sad broken heart, I needed to get this into perspective.  This is just a small blip in my life, maybe one I needed to make me realize I wasn't born for romantic love but for something greater.  Maybe I am here for another reason, maybe I am strong enough to be alone.

Whatever the reason is, I will NEVER be sorry for my time with David, I never felt more cared for, more loved and more happy in my whole life.  I lived out a fantasy that most people would never have the opportunity to have.   At least I had  a dream come true and we are and will always be close.  I need to take time to heal and I will get better.  He and I will talk and be close in the future and the truth is that absolutely no one knows what the future holds.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield


I wanted to post last night but I was so emotionally wiped.  I was in bed a little after nine and I stayed there until almost midnight where I woke up long enough to turn off the TV then went back to bed.  I am going to apologize up front but my posts won't be all that happy and uplifting over the next few days.  I thought about not writing but I think I've already lost enough and I didn't want to lose this too.

Every time I think that I have moved forward, I see myself going backwards again.  I have this incredible need to be loved, which I am sure most people in this world need too.  Some people are able to be fulfilled by other things, I only want to be loved and cherished. Do I think that love is easy and the answer to all my problems... no... but I think it's worth it.  The happiest times in my life have been when I felt love, real love... the kind I feel for David.

All I have desired was what I wrote about in Fairy Tale Love and My One And Only.  Sometimes I wonder if that exists for me?  I have seen it with other people, why am I so difficult to love?  What is it about me that makes it impossible for someone to love me?  Of course I have to give the same kind of love back and I am willing to do this.  Before everyone thinks that I don't feel grateful for all the blessings I have been given, they would be wrong.

I am incredibly grateful and thankful for everything I have.  I always am... I see blessings each and every day in my life.  I did the hardest thing I had to do last night, my tummy was upset, I was shaking and I felt so sad... I felt worse after because I didn't get to see the result that I thought I might see.  I saw that maybe I don't even matter.  That sounds awful, it sounds like I am selfish saying that but the truth is that we all want to be seen, heard and loved.

I didn't feel that last night, instead I felt like... oh... okay.  I wanted to hear words that couldn't be said because maybe I imagined something that was never there.  So how could the words be said that I wanted to hear?  Today I feel insignificant... I guess that is selfish but it is how I feel.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield