I Want Happiness And Joy

I read a blog the other day... it was about how if we were in a relationship that broke up,  that for us to move on; we would need forgive the person who hurt us...  I thought about that in relation to my David and I questioned what I needed to forgive him for?

He didn't intentionally go out of his way to hurt me and he wasn't mean to me... what did I need to forgive him for so that I could move forward?  The only thing that came to mind was that he offered me my dreams and then shattered them by ending it with me. Still I don't feel that I need to forgive him for being honest with me...  Maybe I need to forgive myself ... it was okay for me to have that dream ... it was a sweet and beautiful dream..

The dream is so broken that I'm not sure it could ever be fixed again... I'm not even sure I want it to be sometimes.  It's much too sad to see it almost happen and then have it end for no reason.  At least no reason that I can see or none that I was given.  Then I wrote a post the other day about how I wasn't really happy but I also wasn't really sad either... I was in a state of limbo.  One of my lovely readers commented that she too was not happy but she was not sure that she really wanted to be...  This caused me to think... and deep in my heart I realized I want to be happy.

I say this because I know what true happiness feels like, I was over the moon with such joy and happiness when I was with my 'D' ... I know how it feels and I know it exists... The thought of never feeling that again really breaks my heart because although the fallout was and is extremely painful, I really was never so happy in my life.  It was so incredible to be filled with so much joy and love... I guess it is why I can never give up on wanting that feeling again. 

Although I know this will be a long road for me, I am willing to take that journey to try... I want that joy and happiness that I know exists...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Emotional Loop

I was able to get out for a two mile walk yesterday... not enough though.  This rain has me down, I need to find rain boots so that I can walk whenever I want to...  I am tired of waiting for my shoes to dry out each time.

I then spent most of the day with Andrea, Paul and Jackson... we went out for Mexican food.  I ate a salad without the dressing.  It tasted pretty good as the chicken was moist and favorable.  I went over my calories a bit today but still not too bad.  I don't get weighed at work again until next Friday as I was on vacation this week but I weighed myself at home this morning and I am down 5 more pounds... that makes it a total of 15, so far.

I also spent the night copying all the blogs I follow and their links as I keep reading how GFC (Google Friend Connect) is going away... I didn't want to lose any of the people I follow and not everyone is on Bloglovin...  If you would like you can follow me there.  Here is the link to Bloglovin, also if you add Bloglovin to your blog, I will follow you there too. 

I'm lying in bed this morning making mental notes of what I need to do today... listening to the rain against my window.  Usually I love days like this as they give me an excuse to relax.  However; since Andrea, Paul and Jackson are here... I would much prefer there to be nice weather so we could go out with Valentina and do things together as a family. Also, we want to take a family photo together and we want to take it outdoors.

Every time I am sure I have it together, something comes along to show me that I don't.  It's not that I think I can have it all figured out as life is ever changing... no one has it all figured out (if they say they do, they are kidding themselves).  What I mean by having it together is that I am emotionally strong enough to move to the next stage.

I'm not though, why cannot I not get there?... am I always going to be in this loop that never seems to end?  I think I will be there until I can find answers or closure... I need that to move forward.

Until then I will just deal the highs and lows by writing and walking... I'm very dedicated to getting control of my weight.  Definitely in a healthy way as I don't much care if I am 20-30 pounds over weight, as long as I am strong and healthy.  I know people that are the supposedly the perfect weight but they eat the worst food and could not walk a block without wanting to pass out.  Being slim does not mean you're healthy...

I happen to be a woman who embraces her curves and loves them.  I like my shape, I just want a smaller version... one where I can feel comfortable while running a 5 and 10 K... but still look sexy in a dress that shows off my curves.

Eventually with my tenacity I will have both... a strong body with lots of curves.  Will I then be able to free myself from the emotional loop to move forward?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Today I Succeeded, What About Tomorrow‏?

Andrea showed up quite late last night... about 3:00 am, she went directly to her dads... They showed up about lunch time at my house and I was finally able to kiss my handsome little Jackson... he is one adorable little boy.  I hope the weather clears up, I want to take him for a walk to the Public Gardens so he can feed the ducks.

I didn't get much walking in today... only 30 minutes due to all the waiting around.  Tomorrow I am just going to take my walk first thing in the morning, probably an hour to an hour and a half.  I need to clear my head and walking does that for me. Also, tomorrow is the last day of school for Valentina, a short day but that will be when I take my walk.

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today, mainly because I'm used to talking to my 'D' pretty well everyday, it's been a couple of days for me.  I just need to hear from him... to know that everything is okay.

I have been so focused on walking and eating healthy that I haven't even realized that I've been pushing my feelings down so that I don't have to deal with them.  They are still there, threatening to spill over.  It's not like I think I have it all figured out because that's not even possible.

The other day my doctor asked me if I was happy? I was about to give the pat answer that of course I was... but this is my doctor, I have known her for close to 25 years... so I said, no...  Isn't it possible that I could stop being sad most of the time?  Instead of feeling that I walk and I write... I've already wrote once today and walked... Today it wasn't enough... today I cried...

Today I felt like doing anything but feeling, today I fought the desire to eat or use anything I could think of not to cry... Today I succeeded but what about tomorrow?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Fullfilling A Challenge

So, last night was a complete write off for me, I spent the morning taking on a challenge of mine... which was walking to the top of Main Avenue, it is all up hill, with very small breaks in between.  I did it with two short breaks to catch my breath and cool myself off a bit; it was lightly raining which helped to keep me cool and I was grateful for this.  I felt so good completing it and I did it in roughly 35 minutes from my house, then I stopped in to visit my Cindy on the way back and finally headed home to get a little rest.

My oldest Andrea had messaged that somehow they had overslept and missed their plane, I went for the walk while they frantically worked with the airlines to get a later flight... when I arrived home she had found that she would be able to get to Halifax by midnight... This didn't happen as something happened that they had to sleep at LaGuardia airport for the night... not sure what happened there.  All I know is that it has to be difficult with a toddler and I hope she makes it home soon. 

I did end up walking 5 miles for the day after I took Valentina out for a walk in the early evening... we would have went for a much longer walk but the skies were threatening to open up and pour down on us, so I didn't want to take any chances.  What I really need is to buy something I can put my phone in to protect it from the rain, I need to carry it for when I am mapping my walk.  I will have to look for a product like this; as well I want something that I can strap the phone to me instead of holding it in my hands.  I don't have pockets in this heat... once cool air hits, I will be wearing a hoody that has pockets.

Anyhow, after arriving home last night, I just flaked out around 8:30-9:00 and didn't get up until almost 9:00 am this morning.  I was literally exhausted.  Unfortunately I didn't sleep through the whole night as I wake up every 3-4 hours at a time but I did stay in bed and went back to sleep.  Walking is helping me to sleep a little better, it uses a lot of my energy and tires me out... which is good.

Saturday it will be two weeks that I started walking and actually walked everyday, after I write this I am going for a walk... I need to be consistent for the first month and once I have this set as something I do everyday, if I miss a day due to terrible weather, I will still go back the next day.  I want this to become a regular habit, one I don't even think about,  one that just happens like it always should.

Some people are telling me it's not good to exercise everyday... maybe if I was strength training or running but this is walking... Our great grand parents walked everywhere they went and I doubt they took a day off to rest, even on Sunday's as they went to church.  I know that when I start running that I won't do that every single day but I think walking is okay.

I wanted to end this post with this quote I read this morning:

"Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."
Gail Devers

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Am Not Giving Up, I Am Winning

I read a couple of blogs today that really touched me and made me cry.  These two women for different reasons have such low self worth and they reminded me of how I feel deep inside.... the part I try to hide from everyone.  The part that wonders if I am good enough? ..  I hold her back and tell her that she is, she is more than worth it but somewhere deep inside I doubt it.

This time though, I am not going to eat that lack of self worth, I am not going to sit in my house because of my lack of self worth... I am going to eat healthy, I am going to walk.  Regardless of how that part of me feels, I will acknowledge her but I will not feed that fear.  It has taken me a long time... a very long time to stand up to that part of me and say, I know you have valid feelings but eating junk and sitting on my butt is not helping. 

I have to do something different for us, I have to be strong for both of us... that little girl inside that feels worthless needs me to make things different for her.. So, no matter how hard it is, I am staying the course.  Nothing and I mean nothing will get me off course this time. I am dedicated to this, dedicated to seeing this through to wherever it leads. I am grateful for my tenacity and that I dig deep and keep challenging myself.

The old me would have said, it is too hot... hop on the bus... look at your face, you are so red, people are looking!!  This won't change... just give in.  This is what I have to say to her, I don't care how hot it is, I am walking, I don't care how red my face gets, everyone can look... who cares... All this walking will change me! I can already see it in less then two weeks.  I started out with a 20-25 minute walk where I thought I might pass out... I didn't... I walked  again the next day.  Each day gets easier ... new challenges come along but I just keep knocking them down, one after the ofter.

I walked almost five miles today... I never would have thought that was possible.  I did it and it was incredibly hot today, I didn't care about the heat, my sweating or my red face.. what I care about is showing that little girl inside of me that burying her feelings with food or other addictions never brought her joy, how about giving something else a try.  She is hard to reach but I am not letting her win by giving up... I am going to win this time... which means she will too.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Decisions Made With Love

I have been so in the zone with exercising that I don't even let the heat get to me, I just make sure I have water and I hydrate as much as possible.  Now saying this, I do not go out in the afternoon for a walk unless it is cool out... I usually walk in the morning and in the early evening.  I did walk on the treadmill at work for 20 minutes today... I would much rather walk outside then in that controlled environment.  However; once the icy weather hits in the winter, I am sure I will utilize the treadmill on a permanent basis.  At least until the spring hits again... until then, I am going to enjoy being outdoors.

Alright, enough on exercising... I am addicted to it... so I have been thinking of taking a break from social media.  Either that or I am going to have to slow it down somehow.  I have already cut off all but a couple of notifications from Facebook... however; there is Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, We Heart It... the list is endless.  So, what I have decided is that I will turn off my phone at work... stick it in the drawer and not turn it back on until lunch and after work.  I will allow myself to use it on the bus both ways...  I certainly survived without a cell phone for many years, I am sure I can live without one for 8 hours per day.

With all the walking I am doing, I certainly don't have time to play on the phone .. I only have it with me so that I can Map My Walk... what an awesome app, that and Fitness Pal... LOVE these two apps that help to keep me on track.  I start my vacation on Wednesday, I am going to take the opportunity to take walks that consist of more than a mile or two... just to push myself a little outside of my comfort zone.. Oh my, I am fixated on exercising... okay... done

I find lately that I am longing for simpler days, I want Valentina to have those days... the kind I had when I was growing up.  The ones where we played outside all day, with a jump rope, a ball.. maybe our bikes and just had fun inventing games. Then on rainy days we used our imagination and drew pictures, colored, played school and store... we used our minds and had fun.  My blogging friend Joy from Starting With Myself, reminded me today with her blog how much we have got away from doing this with our children...  What a disservice to our children... they have lost out on fun while we keep giving them every gadget going.

I am not going to continue down that path with Valentina, it stops here... I have done a lot to let her be a little girl for as long as possible... I am going to stand firm by not letting her have a phone for a few more years, I may have one she can use when she is out, so I can reach her but it will not be for use all day long.  Also, I have limited TV with her a great deal, I rarely watch it and I don't want her wasting her time for hours on end with it either.  When school is back, there will be no TV from Monday morning until Friday evening.  Can you call me the unpopular mama... oh well, that is what being a mama is about, not about being her friend and letting her have whatever she wants, it is about the tough decisions. The decisions made with love, the ones she will appreciate when she is older...

I think many of us as parents feel like we don't give our children enough time, so we try to compensate in other ways... I am one of the main culprits, I have a very long commute and I have little time with my Valentina... The answer does not lie in giving her more things, the answer lies in me giving her as much of me as I can, which I do now when I take her out for a walk each night... it also lies in those tough decisions I make with love because that is what they are, I love Valentina, I want the best for her and sometimes making those unpopular decisions are extremely tough. However; it is because I love her that I make the tough decisions, the ones where she feels as though I am a meanie and she 'hates' me... wants a new mama....

Believe me those words hurt a lot but I just keep on and eventually she comes around and tells me she is sorry and that she loves me... those times are worth it.  I am learning to be a stronger mama, I was not like that with Andrea... I was a weakling in many ways... I give the credit to Andrea for being so strong willed and to our church that helped her keep her morales above her friends.  I can't rely on Valentina being as strong as Andrea was that way... most children need to be guided with decisions made with love.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Am Doing This For Me, No One But Me!!

Today was a slow day... it took me until 5:00 pm to get myself out of the house... so glad I finally did though, I made myself go out for a really good long walk.  I took Valentina to a big playground... the weather was alternately warm and then cold breezes.  The sky kept looking like it was going to open up and poor out showers... Luckily the weather held off while we took our walk.

Everyday that goes by that I listen to myself about eating properly and getting out to exercise I am grateful.  Unfortunately because I have failed in this in the past.... I have many people reminding me of that.  This is what I have to say to them, yes I have been on this path to lose weight before and I've failed... but there is something different about this time... and I can't explain it completely, I just feel it.

First I am tracking my food... I haven't done this since Weight Watchers years ago.  Second I am exercising daily; I haven't done this since I was a teenager.  Third, I honestly don't think I've ever wanted this so much... for so many reasons. Before I wanted to lose the weight to look better, that is the least of the reasons that I am doing it this time.

I am doing this with and for my Valentina, I want her to see a different way to live... a healthy way.  I don't want food to rule her life like I let it rule mine for so many years (food is NOT the enemy).  Also, as I stated before I cannot take cholesterol medication (due to the horrible side effects that caused weakness in my legs, which then caused me to injure my knee)... eating healthy and exercising is the only way I can get control of of my health issues...

It feels as if there are some people who expect me to fail.. I'm here to say that is the girl from the past... I'm not going to fail, I am doing this all for the right reasons. About two weeks ago I had prayed for a way to get on track and the answer came in the form of this contest from work.  The game was just the catalyst to set me in the right direction.

I don't care how rainy, cold or hot it gets... I am including exercise in my life.  I like the way it makes me feel, it's helping me to feel strong. I have never honestly put the two together before, it was always one or the other.  The two of them walk hand in hand for there to be success for me.  I am also surrounding myself with people who believe in me, people who are going to root me on and challenge me in good ways. 

I totally understand when someone is worried that I might be doing too much, not eating enough... no one needs to worry, I am very honest with my doctor, I have known her since I was twenty-five years old.   I tell her everything, she knows all about my crazy life... I think I am following a good healthy diet and there is absolutely nothing wrong with walking a lot.  I walk three or four miles per day but not all at once.  Eventually I want to walk for longer periods but I know that takes some time to build up to...

Truthfully, I have to ignore the people that are not on my side and just surround myself with people who believe in me... there will always be  people who want to see others fail for reasons I will never understand.  Maybe because they fear that success is possible and that if it is proven to them, it means they might have to do something about their own lives....  Either way, I am doing this for me... no one but me.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Disconnect To Connect...

I haven't been avoiding writing, I have been exhausted... I am pretty sure I slept for 9 hours last night... too bad it wasn't through the whole night but that comes because of my age.  I woke up at 8 am this morning, determined not to waste my Saturday sleeping it away... I caught up on all my blogs and then finally got myself moving to go out for a walk.  It was slightly warm but I walked for an hour in total, I stopped off at Cindy's to visit in between... I walked a lot of hills today, which is good... next week I am going to walk up Main Avenue, now that is a hill.  I will let you all know how I make out.

So for the good news, I am down 10 pounds for my first week, can I tell you how thrilled I am... I am so happy... I ended up walking for 24 miles last week.  This week I am going to aim for 28-30, that means I will have to walk on the treadmill at work for 20 minutes at lunch on top of the extra extra walking I am doing already.  I am so pumped and so in the zone.  I am eating healthy food and within my calorie intake...  I am not letting anything derail me.  I have a lot to prove to myself and I have something to prove to others.

Andrea, Paul and Jackson will be home on Wednesday, I still plan to walk as much as I possibly can... I don't want to miss a day if at all possible; I am making this a way of life.   I was able to get the time off next week for when Andrea is home, so we can spend a good deal of time together.  I am hoping to borrow a stroller and take Jackson on some of the walks I intend to take...  I think it will be fun, walking him around this city and great exercise for me.

On a side note, I am slightly frustrated with some people and their behavior... in the past I would have become so mad, then sad... then I would have done something to cover those feelings up.  This time I walked and I walked, which then helped me to sleep better at night... mostly from pure exhaustion..  For now it is okay for me to walk off my frustration but eventually I will have to deal with that issue head on.... Do you ever feel like you do all the hard work in a relationship?  Well that frustrates me that I feel like I do it all myself, there are a great deal of my friends that I find I have to make the first initiation...  Our lives have become too busy, too cluttered with things and time wasters... instead of connecting, we are disconnecting from each other.

Don't get me wrong I love technology it can bring us together when we allow it but I also feel we are so weighted down with overload of information that we just shut down and forget that we need a little human contact.  I had a wonderful visit with Cindy today, I had my phone but I just plugged it in and chatted with her while Valentina ran around outside with her friends... it reminded me of when I was younger and we just played outside for hours, enjoying all the made up games we had with each other... those times we really connected with each other.

I had two incidents in the last week that made me think... the first one I was buying a backpack for when I am walking.  Valentina noticed that some small change purses were on sale, I said... we don't buy things just because they are on sale, we buy things because we need them.... the cashier said... that's a good way to be... Of course it is... too often we think let's get it because of the sale, hence why we have too much stuff.  The other incident was in the grocery store and I told Valentina she could have a package of Tic Tacs... she was finding it hard to choose between the two flavors and wanted both and became frustrated with me.  I looked at her and said, you can have one or you can have none... she chose one.  The cashier said, good for you, too many parents give in and give both or try to talk their children into one.  My motto is one or none.

I think this walking that I am doing is clearing my head and making me look at life in a better way, one week ago I wondered where I would find the time to exercise; well... I found the time...  This is important in so many ways, one since I cannot take medication for my high cholesterol..  so walking and eating healthy is going to take care of that issue. Two, Valentina and I have lots of time together and she is exercising right along with me and three... I am gaining more than I can explain here right now... suffice to say that there are big changes on the way.  Some that people are going to like, others not so much but they are all good for me.

I can't leave without mentioning the weather in Alberta, I have quite a few friends out there... thankfully none of them have been affected by the flooding yet.  Most of them are on higher ground... My David just posted that there is a tornado watch up where he is in Alberta... all I can say is wow... the weather is becoming crazier and crazier everyday I turn on the news.  I am praying for everyone out there to be safe... Sadly I don't think this is the end of all this crazy weather that is happening in many places, which is pretty scary to say the least...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Radiate From The Inside Out

First I walked 4 miles today... it should be 22 miles for the week when I get my second weigh in tomorrow morning.  I'm SO excited... I know the numbers won't always be as good at the first week but it's going to feel amazing to get that first big amount off.

I can't be believe that one week ago I was avoiding walking like it was the plague... Eating the worst food and whining that I couldn't get motivated.  All I can say is Heavenly Father saw into my heart and gave me a way to start.  The contest, Valentina and I getting healthy together and the third reason will be a secret for now.

Let's just say all three of these have given me the motivation to succeed.  Valentina is learning slowly, she is resigned to the fact that we're walking... she didn't even argue tonight.  Besides she got to play at the big playground tonight (more exercise for her).

TV has become a thing of the past... I might watch an hour per week... I couldn't be happier... I also talked to a friend from church and in July I'm going to organize a walking/running club where we can get partners to walk/run with.. The more we have others involved the more successful we will all be...

I want to see us supporting each other... even in the blog world.. Joy from Starting With Myself, and Janice from Fitness Cheerleader and everyone who is fighting the hard fought battle of losing excess weight and just getting healthy.  We we be successful, let's encourage each other as well, let's get out there and motivate others.

My mission is to love my body, curves and all.  I want to be happy with myself so that I will radiate from the inside out... I know that I've been inspired so that I will inspire others... pass it on... I'm filled with gratitude!
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Nothing Is Going To Stop Me‏

I am so proud of myself... I walked for a total of 75 minutes today... it was for 3.25 miles.  Some of it in the rain... some up a huge hill. I sent up a few prayers of gratitude that I am able to walk, I am blessed.

My Valentina did the hill with me and complained the whole time... I told her too bad, get over it, we are walking.  I finally had to tell her not to talk because I needed all my air to get up the hill.  All I can say is she is in for a rude awakening... we are going to walk whenever possible... we both need to get healthy.

I cannot remember a time I was this dedicated to eating right and exercising.  Usually it is one or the other but hardly ever both together.  I am loving this commitment I have made to myself... I have shown myself I matter... that is the biggest blessing I've learned. 

I'm not hiding my emotions with anything... I was the master of covering them so I didn't have to deal with my issues.  I was great at talking about what I needed to do.. now I'm walking the walk in more ways than one... I am so thrilled with myself.

I am a little over a month from turning 50 [July 23 is the big day]... I am at least 80 pounds over weight and I am not letting it stop me.  There are NO excuses for this girl anymore... I am done crying and being sad about where my life is... I'm changing it right here and now.

A couple of people at work said to tell everyone I'm 49 again... I said heck no... I'm going to be 50 and proud of it... I look darned good for being 50 and I'm not embarrassed to say it. I know some women my age who have let themselves go with not coloring their hair, dated clothing and in general with the way they act.

That will not be me, I'm proud to be turning 50 soon... I had to go through a lot to get here...it doesn't mean I have to look like it... I can be sexy and 50... there's NOTHING wrong with that.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Remembering The Importance Of Gratitude

I am so grateful the weather has been holding out... it's given me the time to get into the walking zone. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain.. I'm still planning on walking... I have a decent rain coat and I am not made of sugar.

I decided after yesterdays rant I wanted to write a thankful for post... I like to remind myself periodically that I'm blessed more than I know.

First I can walk... I'm so grateful my leg healed so quickly and completely... in time for the wonderful weather.

Next I have a wonderful job that I had full benefits while I was off healing... there are not many companies like that... I am thankful.

My new sitter is very good and prompt... she has Valentina walking everywhere... which is what she needs.

I am grateful that my work started up the biggest loser... it was exactly what I needed to get motivated to get back on track.

I am excited and thankful that Paul, Andrea and Jackson will be here next week.... I get to see Jackson in person.... this is one happy glama nana....

I'm grateful for my tenacity... although my life is falling apart in front of my eyes...  I keep walking forward.

I'm thankful that I will finally be able to go zip lining next week... a huge fear of mine but something I REALLY want to do.  You may hear my screams from there.

I have gratitude for blogging and other bloggers.... I have gained so much insight from a lot of you.... some of you have changed my life for the better in ways I may not be able to express to you.

I'm grateful for my very good close friends... I know I can count on you all as I hope you know you can count on me.

I'm thankful that even though life can change on a dime... it is usually for the best... even though it can take time to see those blessings.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Am Going To Re-teach People How To Treat Me

I probably shouldn't post tonight, I am irate... Oooo, I don't like feeling this way but for whatever reason I let some people bring this out in me... Normally I just don't hang around these people but for some people I allow them to frustrate me and get away with it... This is something I need to change... why am I so afraid to stand up to certain people.  I think what I need to get into my head somehow is that if I say what I feel and they don't like it, then so be it... If I don't feel safe enough to say how I am feeling, why are they in my life.

Why do I feel the need to keep people in my life that don't deserve me?  It's like I think so little of myself that I am afraid I will lose those people and I would be lost... REALLY???  How about they would be lost without me?  I wonder if they ever think of that...? Probably not, because they see that no matter what they say or do that I still let them in my life.  I don't have a problem telling a person that is being mean and hurtful to me to move on ... I have problems saying it to others who just say insensitive things without even thinking.  Maybe I should tell them how insensitive they are and let the chips fall where they may.

If they can't understand that they are hurting me, maybe they need to be told... than they can either stop or stay out of my life.  Who wants anyone in their life that doesn't bring them up?  Not me anymore... I don't know what it is in my DNA that I allow anyone to be that way with me.  I try very hard not to be insensitive... I try to think of the other persons feelings. I swear I have a tattoo on my forehead that says... please walk all over me... it is only visible to those people.

My rant is over... instead of continuing to rant... I am going to confront those people and say how I feel... what is the worst thing that could happen?  I could lose them... Oh well, right at this moment, I think I could care less... Ultimately long term they will realize they have lost something even better... ME! I am very faithful, honest, open, caring and loving with my friends... you would think they wanted to be the same way with me... maybe not...

I guess I just needed to say how I felt and now I feel a bit better... I am still going to stand up to those people and tell them they are aggravating me with their insensitivity ... otherwise they might never know.  Besides, like I wrote the other night, any man future or otherwise should feel lucky if I give them a chance... I deserve for someone to feel lucky to have me.  My friends should try to remember this... The saying is true, You Teach People How To Treat You!  

I wanted to end this on a positive note after starting it out with so much frustration...  Today I was able to walk for over 3 miles, I am so pleased with myself... I even have blisters and I don't care, I am going to walk as much as I possibly can... I do need to eat a little more food than I am eating... I am not eating enough... for some reason, the more I walk the less I want to eat which isn't good as I am not even eating the minimum calories and I am expending so much energy, my body will think it is going into starvation mode (which makes me laugh since I am far from starving) However, I understand that my body doesn't get that... it just thinks I am depriving it.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Good Fathers Do Exist

Well, my second day was almost as good as my first day for exercising... the weather has been holding out and co-operating with me... it is warm but also there is a great breeze.  The only small down fall was that I didn't take my sneakers to walk with... I wore a pair of flats... not such a great idea as now I have two blisters... lesson learned.  I will just have to walk through the pain until they heal, I am not giving up walking now that I have started.

Tomorrow after work I am going to stop off at the store and pick up a good pair of rain boots... it has been raining a lot here for the past month or more... who am I kidding, I was beginning to think I might be able to swim to work.  Although I love rain in the evenings for sleeping, I seriously have had more than my fair share of rain for the time being.  Saying that, I also need to be prepared so that I don't let that be an excuse not to walk.

I have three big agendas on the go right now and I am trying hard not to overwhelm myself, the first one of course is exercising and eating correctly... the second is finding a place to move (I have to get on that as I want to be settled somewhere for September) and third, I have to purge this place.... I get so completely frustrated when I go to look for a simple item I know I have and it is not where I left it... I find that Valentina's clutter is invading all spaces right now... she has been just dropping items, clothing, shoes... whatever - where ever  she wants to... I have stopped hanging out in the living room as I rarely if ever watch TV... she has taken the room over and it is just one huge disaster.

So, this week I will be taking the opportunity to walk around my neighborhood to see if there is any available places I could rent, I am also going to start collecting boxes and packing away anything I am not using and that I will still need to use, once I am moved.  Next, Valentina needs to look out, I will be throwing items away at will, I have talked to her until I am blue in the face about putting her things away... apparently she needs to lose them to appreciate them.  Especially when the items are anywhere but in her room... I do care how her room looks but I don't care as much as long as the rest of the house stays relatively clutter free.
It's father's day today... not a day I have celebrated as first my father and I were not super close and he passed away in November 2004.  I have been a single mom twice and neither of those men stepped up to the plate to be the fathers they should be... I went to church today and one of the talks given was about not holding a grudge or resentment for lacking what we felt may have missed out on by not having the father we wanted.  It reminded me that although my dad didn't act like the father I needed him to be, he was there for me...

It also reminded me that holding a grudge or resentment only hurts me and I didn't even realize that I was doing it until today... I shut down when I read on Facebook and Twitter where, everyone was raving about their fathers and husbands... then I went to read some blogs and there were posts about the wonderful dads and husbands these people have... It made me cry to realize that I had been holding any resentment about this... this is not me... I don't like to hold onto anything like this as I know it only hurts me in the long run.

I went onto Facebook and wished all daddy's a wonderful day, especially my amazing son-in-law Paul who loves his son, my grandson Jackson, my nephew Kyle who is a really good daddy to his son Lucas and of course I could not forget my David who is a terrific father to his two children.  There are some really fabulous fathers and I feel blessed to have some of these men in my life who show me that good fathers really do exist...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

This Girl Is On A Mission

Well, today was the first test to see how I would make a new start... since I have started the Biggest Loser at work.  I am on a mission... have I ever told you I am highly competitive... well I am.  I woke up early on a Saturday, you have no idea how huge that is for me, normally it is my day for sleeping in, looks like that is going to be changing for quite a while.  I relaxed in the morning and caught up reading and commenting on all my blogs, then I went off to the hair dressers... the girl that cut my hair was very good but way to quiet.. I need a little interaction here and there. 

Then I stopped over and bought a lot of healthy food, the bank account took a hit... why does it have to be so expensive to eat properly... oh well, it is all put away, I did not by one unhealthy item of food. Valentina had stayed at Cindy's, she was going to take a taxi home but I decided to walk up there... it was a lovely day today.  I walked up there which is uphill all the way... 1.2 miles, I visited with Cindy for a while and than gathered Valentina and all her new clothing and started walking back.

Oh can I say how exhausting it is to walk with a pre-teen who is making it her mission to be as cranky as she can about walking... Suddenly my sweet Valentina isn't being so sweet.... a rude awakening awaits her, she can complain all she wants, we are walking as much as we possibly can... there will be no more taxi's for short little jaunts, we will be making the time and effort to move our bodies.

First and foremost I want to get healthy, second I want to win the contest at work... not only will I win the money, I will win by losing the biggest percentage of weight and third.. I have a goal... something to aim for, that makes me a girl on a mission.... I have no set time for this mission to be completed, since this is now a lifestyle change but there will be bonuses and rewards a long the way...

My first goal will be to win the money, I wish good luck to everyone but I am going to win...  When I set my mind to something... I don't aim for anything but the top prize.  I have been racking my brain for the past couple of weeks trying to figure out how to motivate myself to finally work on eating healthy, exercising and ultimately losing weight.  Then along came this contest... it is exactly what I need to get a good start to getting on the right path. 

With every step I am taking, I am walking towards the right direction.  All I can say is I am focused... when I am tenacious this way, I am at my best... Like I said... I am a girl on a mission....!!!
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Maybe One Day, The Words Of You Won't Spill Out Of Me (.As Far As The Eye Can See.)

I have been following a blog for well over a year now, it is called .As Far As The Eye Can See.  The author of this blog goes simply by the name of S. ... She writes some of the most beautiful poetry and thoughts I have had the pleasure to read... by following her I have met some equally talented writers.  I would love to name them all but I fear I might leave someone out and I don't like to do that.
This morning I opened S. latest blog and I was floored by what she wrote... it was simple yet profound.  The link to this post is Poisoned ink  This is what she wrote:

As much as I can claim that it happened years ago (or yesterday), it hasn't.  I guess, when I've truly purged you from my system, I'll know. 
It will be when I go to write and you are not the one that leaks out. 


I felt like she was writing my thoughts, there are days I sit down to blog because I feel a strong desire to do so...  and usually  it ends up being about my 'D' ... with this thought... I feel that there is hope that one day I will sit down to write and my David won't spill out all over the blank page.  

I would write about him every single day but I don't let myself... maybe one day I will have written it all and I won't feel the need to write about him... maybe I will sit down and nothing about him will come out.  Hmmm... probably not but I can dream... 
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Any Future Man Should Consider Himself Lucky

I felt so much better after I wrote my blog post last night about, I Am Me... I Am Not You...  It actually freed me, I just sat there and wrote from my heart and it was easy.  Sometimes I sit here and I write, read it, delete it and start all over again... not last night, the only thing I had to do was proof read it and find quotes.  It just flowed out of me in a way I haven't seen in a while.

Maybe it's because I am so passionate about my David...  whatever the reason... I am grateful that I wrote it down... Mostly I am thankful for the comments that were left on my blog... telling me it was no one's business but mine, you all cared about me and didn't want to see me hurt... I loved all the comments I got.. I know it's not always easy to find time to comment... I feel thankful when the effort is made.

I know my family loves me... they want me to be happy but honestly only I know what will bring me peace an happiness... I have to make my own decisions and mistakes, if I fall, I have to get back up.  Being friends with David is an uncharted course for me... I was very unsure if we could make it happen.  It has been an emotional roller coaster that I was unsure if it would end up making us stronger or break us completely.

 Lately I am seeing it as making us stronger, which brings me joy.  I think if my David and I had dated when we were younger and it didn't work out, we probably would not have stayed friends... I think I needed the maturing that comes with age... at least for me... for me to see the full picture and not the tiny picture that keeps on trying to enter doubt into my mind.  I wanted to clarify something I wrote last night at the end of my post about not wanting to date again... what I really meant is that I don't want to date right now... I have no idea how I will feel in a year or two.

I do know this, any man that wants to be with me will have to put out massive effort to prove he is worth the chance I might take.  I am going to keep the attitude that I had before David and I reconnected... I was seeing a guy for a over a year and one night he told me I was a lucky girl... I said... really?  why would that be... ?  He was younger than me, quite nice looking and in fantastic shape... he pointed out the fact that it was because he was young and nice looking...

I laughed and then I said... oh really?  What does that make you?....   He looked at me, saw I was serious and  took a moment to answer me... The answer he gave back was... I'm a lucky boy... I smiled and said, you're right, you are a lucky boy and don't you ever forget it... he never forgot it... he often mentioned how he was a lucky boy to be seeing me... He ended up moving off to Toronto and I couldn't be happier for him... I guarantee that when he becomes involved with another woman... he will consider himself lucky, blessed and thankful to have her.

That is my attitude for the future... if I am to ever fall in love again... the man should consider himself lucky.  I may not be your drop dead gorgeous woman but I am loyal, kind, loving, sincere and attentive.  In return for knowing that they are lucky, I would make them feel incredibly special.  No one will ever be able to take that from me again... I know my worth now and I won't except less ...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future