Dealing With Reality

I had planned to write a few blogs in advance but I had a massive to do list before I went in for surgery; I had to deal with reality... so I probably won't post until I am home; unless I can figure how to post from my phone. 

I probably should rest as much as I can while I'm there.  I had a huge panic attack today... I was faint, I could barely breathe, I was sweaty....that one lasted ten minutes.   I had a couple more throughout the day but they were shorter.

I accomplished almost everything I needed to do, the rest can wait. I wanted to thank all of you for your good wishes and prayers, I appreciate all of them.

I could see that I've been scattered lately and a bit emotional... I think worry due to the surgery.  Plus I have to face reality head on and sometimes it sucks so much, all I can do is cry...

Things happen in life that are truly unfair... truly not right, yet we have to accept it if we are to progress. I know I need to be more positive and joyful... I will be again... I need to go down this path so that I can climb each step to the top.

As difficult as it's going to be, it's a necessity, besides no one said life is fair... it's what I do with this challenge in the future... I plan to succeed and learn from all my trials.

I'll catch up with all your blogs once I am home recuperating... I can hardly wait to be able to blog when I get an idea... instead if writing notes for later.  Have a great week everyone!

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Seen, Heard And Valued

Last night made me think about if I really pay attention to what other people are feeling, I really hope that I do because I wouldn't like to know that I may be saying things that could hurt or affect them and not even realize it.  Why was I thinking this?  I had this happen last night and I wondered if they even realized what they were saying might be affecting me?  Well, I was affected... and I'm not sure how they couldn't have seen...

This makes me wonder how connected we are as people? More like we are too disconnected.... Do we think about what we are saying to each other or are we just on auto pilot, talking to be talking?  It has made me think twice about what I say and what feelings it might illicit in the person I am speaking with.  I wondered if I should say something... something like, don't you see that what you are talking about is upsetting me?  I felt somewhat invisible... I felt like my feelings didn't matter... yet they didn't see.

This is especially difficult when the person who is saying the words that affect you and they seem oblivious... is a person that is supposed to know you inside out.  Maybe no one really knows me inside, I guess I only show what I want other people to see.  I wonder if we don't all do this to a certain degree... Now more than ever, I don't feel safe being me, saying what I feel.  This isn't the way to deal with challenges, I need to handle them head on...

I don't understand
Everyday I try, I think I can handle this
Then nights like this happen
I wonder how you say some things

Things that make me cry
I wonder if you even know?
Or do you think everything is fine?
It's not fine, I'm still sad

Tonight I questioned what the payoff was?
I didn't like my answer
Either way I lose...  
Why do I always have lose?

I don't know which loss is harder...
Which one will be what I can handle..
Neither choice is good
Both are painful at best

I'm happy and at peace with me...
I'm twisted about you
Maybe I really have to do something I've never done
To get different results.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Take A Small Step In The Right Direction

The quote above reminded me that I was at a very low point over the holidays in 2012, where I could not see how I would or could be happy again.  I had so many memories and emotions that I had to deal with, I wasn't sure I wouldn't break down completely after the holidays.  I was seeing some light at the end of the tunnel but I couldn't see the full picture.

I don't know the single moment in time that it changed but I know that it came with taking a small step... am I saying it has been suddenly easy to deal with the David thing?  No, it isn't simple but I took a step in the right direction... I made the choice to turn it around.  No one else could have got me there, only me.... I had to trust myself enough to take the step.

Last year was highly emotional for me as everyone who either reads my blog or knows me is aware of this.  I just wanted to feel peace again, I wanted to stop spinning out of control.  I realized that I was looking at it all the wrong way, I was looking for peace to take over my life when I needed to give peace to find it... exactly like love.  This is the way it is with anything good, if you want kindness, you give kindness... there are no limitations.

Here is something I have learned this past year, sometimes we have to lose what is most important to us so that we will become who we are meant to be.  This is NOT an easy lesson, it is incredibly difficult, I cannot even begin to explain the depths of emotions that I have had to go through to get to where I am today.

I know I have gone through a great deal but nothing harder than what other people have gone through, just different challenges and trials. We all have highs and lows, learning to deal with the lows without letting them break us apart is the key to our success.  I am ever learning daily what it takes, I won't ever give up trying.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Live In The Moment: Now!

"Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time of which you have any control: now."~Denis Waitley

The quote above pretty well entails everything I have been pondering lately...  I certainly have learned from my past.  There are still many things I have to learn, going in for this operation is going to be a test for me, in a good way.  Right now when I don't feel like thinking about certain things or I don't like the way something is going in my life... I do things so that I don't have to think or feel... like eating unhealthy food.  I won't be able to pop out to a store and by a chocolate bar or junk food of my choice.  

I am going to have my food limited to healthy, I will no choice... let's see how I feel over the next six weeks and I am hoping I will feel like continuing on with it.  I also will be getting plenty of rest, something I clearly don't give my body enough of... Sleeping enough would mean I was clear minded and I would have to deal with whatever is going on that I don't want to deal with, lack of sleep leaves me in a fog, less time to think. 

For my present, I have only one thing... Live in the moment: Now!

For my future, I am setting goals and sticking to them... I am going to continue to blog daily, I am going to get the divorce kit so that I can start my divorce (I heard it is very detailed, now I will have the time to focus).  Next I have two people I am going to go zip lining with and most important as soon as I heal and start feeling better.  I am going incorporate exercise into mine and Valentina's life.  I want to run a 5K by the end of the year.  

All of these detailed goals are fully achievable... I also have some dreams and there is truly nothing wrong with dreaming... otherwise we would never grow beyond what we would ever believe possible.    

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Always Becoming Love

I was looking over my Pinterest board of quotes and I read the one above and it made me think how what we really all want is love... how do we get this love? we have to become love by giving love.  There is no other way to have love and the wonderful thing about giving love is that you really do get way more in return.  Soon you are so filled with love that instead of looking for ways to give love, you will just be opened to each new experience.

I see that a lot of people have settled for less than love... less than butterflies.  I have done this in the past myself, thinking I didn't deserve the butterflies... but I deserve the love with butterflies, I deserve the whole thing.  I deserve nothing less.

I am here to be an example of Love!

I was reading The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp today and he always writes three positive affirmations after he writes... this one above resonated with me... I want to be an example of love.  This means becoming who I am meant to be, not living small... it means believing in myself.

Truthfully it means not settling for less than butterflies... we all deserve the best, we all have that ability, we just have to decide we are worth it... I have decided I am worth it... Will you make the same decision?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Power Is Within Us

I love this quote above, we all have our own power to change what we want to change.  It also reminded me of what Mastin Kipp from The Daily Love always says about people, he says we are not broken, we do not need to be fixed.  What we need is to gain the knowledge that we are able to make the changes that will make our present and future better. Of course we have no power over some of the trials we have been given but we still make the decision about how we react to the challenges.

I believe that most of us don't want to know that we have that power because if we allow ourselves to believe the truth, we would have to do something about it, we would have to make the necessary changes.  When we don't allow ourselves to know the truth, I think it is so we can sit back and feel like the world is against us, feeling helpless.  That way we can keep feeding our fear with whatever it is that we use to try to make ourselves feel better.

I can see where I fell into this trap in the past but once you gain the knowledge, you can never go back to not knowing it.  So, even when you have a challenge, you start out stronger than you were and when you push through the trial, you end up being stronger than before you went through it.  I think most of us are comfortable with where we are because if we really let ourselves live up to our potential, we would never be able believe how powerful we really can be.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Inspiration Comes In Whispers

So I have been thinking about all the things I need to get done before I go in for my operation.  One of them was having a good 6-8 blogs prepared before I go into the hospital and I wondered what I could write about.  Well, two things happened, this afternoon I was reading a blog I really love, she is incredibly hilarious; she showcased one of her blogging friends... I thought how nice is that.

Then later in the evening I was reading another one of my favorite blogs, this lady says it like it is, she is honest and open and I adore reading her posts.  I suddenly put the two together in my mind and I have come up with the thought that I will pick a handful of my favorites and give each of them a day and tell you all why I love them... what keeps me following them.  I have so many favorites that I plan to have this as a twice a month item for my blog in the future.

I think we should all help each other, I know I want to help my friends get their blog out there because I know it is hard to get followers if people only stumble upon your blog.  I am truly excited to write these, I am sure I could sit down this Sunday and write them all up.  I am truly passionate about the blogs I follow and comment on.  If I comment on your blog, I love it... I want you to know I love what I read. 

I don't have a set type of blog that I read either, I have so many different ones... but each of them capture my attention in some way.  I get excited when they blog, I want to read their post, get a laugh, smile, cry... certain bloggers for each of these emotions.  Whatever the feeling I have from each of you, it is what I need at that moment. I hope each of you will feel how much I adore your blogs and the feelings they invoke in me... I also really hope you will take the opportunity to read them, I guarantee they will be worth the read.

I'm not going to list who I will write about since I plan to write about the majority of the people I follow in the future. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The A-Z's of Launna

I was reading my blogs that I follow today and I read one called Jess Is More... she wrote a really cute post called The A-Zs of Jess, I am going to write one on the A-Z's of Launna.  Hers is really nice with all the pictures she puts in her blog... I will try to add a few on mine.

{Age} 49 and I rarely act my age, I say enjoy your life and never grow old and mundane.

 {Bed Size} Double, that is plenty big for me, when I am with someone, I love to cuddle.

{Chore You Hate} This is the same as Jess's, I hate putting laundry away, I can wash and dry it... fold it at times.. lol.   Putting it away is way down on the list... I live out of a laundry basket, I need to change that.

{Dogs} Dogs are beautiful and I love other people's dogs, not sure I want to own one though.

{Essential Start To My Day} Getting up early as I do lots of things in the morning... I also need to relax before I go to work.

{Favorite Color} Lime green is my favorite color... but I also love pink and purple.

{Gold or Silver} I am not really into either one but if I had to choose, I would pick silver.

{House or Apartment} Apartment, one day it might be nice to own a house but I would rather do that with someone I love.

{Instruments Played} None... I took piano for a very short time when I was 10

{Job Title} Client service representative (payroll specialist)

{Kids} Two amazing daughters, my oldest Andrea and my youngest Valentina... I am a blessed mama.

{Live} Halifax, Nova Scotia... I never thought I would move away from here but I would have moved anywhere in the world to be with my David.

{Married}  I am married but this is the year I am going to finally be divorced.  I am not against marriage and I certainly would have given it another chance, I don't see that happening in the near or distant future.

{Nights or Mornings}  I am a morning person, I get so much more accomplished.

{Other Fun Fact} I lived in Niagra Falls, Ontario for 8 months when I was 16 years old.

{Pet Peeve} People that smoke in bus shelters or any other enclosed place, I think it is rude and selfish.

{Quote} "Whether you think you can or can't, you're right"...  I love many quotes... I am a bit of a quote-a-holic

{Righty or Lefty}  Righty, I always thought it was cool that there are people that can use both.

{Siblings} Nine sisters, Helen, Darlene, Cheryl, Kimberly, Me, Rochelle, Lisa and Krista (we have another sister that my mother gave up for adoption in the late 1950's). 
{Time You Wake Up} I wake up between 3:30 am and 4:00 am on a work day, on Saturday's I wake up very late.

{University Attended} I didn't attend university but I did go to community college.

{Veggies You Dislike} There are not too many vegetable's that I don't like, mushrooms are not a favorite of mine, I usually pick them off of or out of whatever I am eating... however; I do love mushroom soup, I know... quirky. 

{What Makes You Run Late} The buses make me run late when they don't connect... very frustrating since we don't have buses that run more often that 30 minutes at a time.

{X-Rays} Wow too many of these, I just recently had one done on my leg in the last year... I would be here for awhile if I had to think of all of them, let alone write them down... lol

{Yum Food} My favorite comfort food is fried potatoes with onions and cheese... definitely something I am going to cut back on, only for a treat.

{Zoo Animal Favorite}  Lions, I love lions... I think they are beautiful animals... to scary to be close to, I respect them from a distance.

 So that is my list... whew

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Magnificent Gifts Await Us

So often when things change in our lives, we have such a resistance to the change. This is because when people see a big change appearing they are often fearful that it is something bad. But it is important to remember that when something big changes in our lives, it means something better is coming. There cannot be a vacuum in the Universe, and so as something moves out, something must come in and replace it. When change comes, relax, have total faith, and know that the change is ALL GOOD.
Something more magnificent is coming to you!
May the joy be with you,

Rhonda Byrne
The Secret... bringing joy to billions

I not only follow many blogs on a very regular basis, I also have many emails sent to me that are uplifting quotes, thoughts and ideas.  One of them is from Rhonda Byrne (The Secret)... I love the paragraph above, it says exactly what I have been thinking and pondering about lately... That foolish fear that stops me in my tracks and keeps me from progressing.  2013 is the year for me to push past this, I am going to make it to the other side of my fear, I want to see what is there.

So I am getting to the end of this month and I have pretty well kept my goal to write every day.  I was late by 5 minutes one night, I didn't get home until 11:00 pm.  Another night the power went off but I just posted twice the next day.  Now I am going to see what I am made of, I am going to attempt to have 7 days worth of posts set up to be released every day while I am in the hospital and recuperating.  I have been a procrastinator for too many years, always trying to do every thing at the last moment.  I usually get through it but I don't think that is the best way to live.

You know what I can't wait for, that magnificent thing that is waiting on the other side of my fear... I am going to immerse myself in the change... instead of fearing it.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Point Is That I'm Worth It

Although I am not looking forward to going through my operation... I do remember the pain involved and that was many, many years ago... I think the last time I had this surgery, I might have been twelve and it took me the whole summer vacation, eight weeks to heal.  I am hoping it doesn't take any longer at this age.  I am really grateful that I finally have the opportunity to have my leg really heal. That will be awesome, I can hardly wait to start exercising and although I may have to take it slow to begin with, I plan to push myself farther than I ever thought I could go.

I have a goal in mind and for this goal to happen... it means I have to decide if I am worth it?  I have decided that I am more than worth it... no more excuses.  This time off is going to be good for me, it's going to be difficult too... I will be on my own a lot, lots of time to think.  I am going to set aside time for exercise once I am clear to do from the doctor... I still have that goal of running a 5K by the end of this year, a friend of mine is going to do it with me and I am going to go zip lining in the summer with another friend from work.

Here is something I want to do in the next year is go to a concert, believe it or not, I have never gone to one.  I didn't have the money to go to things like that when I was younger and then just as I was getting to that time in life where I could do this, I had my beautiful Valentina and of course she became my priority.  She's getting older though and it is time for me to fulfill a few of those items on my bucket list.  Now I just have to find someone that I would like to see in concert...

2013 is looking promising, I finally have some goals, I can see that I am not going to be sad all the time for the rest of my life.  For a long time, I couldn't see that... I am thankful that I am getting focused again.  I am not wasting anymore time.  I am also going to stop letting people frustrate me, I have let that go on for far too long. 

You know something I have learned about myself this year?  I sometimes don't see people for who they really are especially when I am close to them... I see them the way I want to see them.  Lately I am really paying attention to how and what someone says to me.  It is interesting how contradictory people can be... I guess this has frustrated me in the past because I am open and I don't understand saying one thing and doing another.

I suppose everyone has their own way of dealing with their past or their trials and I don't judge them in anyway for that, I guess I have to decide what is really important to me.  I don't believe in blaming my past for my present, I don't believe in holding anger against another person and most of all I don't believe in saying poor me.  Every last one of us has trials, some from our own poor decisions and others out of our control.  I feel that I have the right to be sad when dealing with difficulties but I don't believe in allowing them to take me over.

I lost my focus and I forgot my worth, 2013 is the year I found it again... I won't ever forget again.  I hope everyone remembers their worth too...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Searching In The Right Places

I read this quote today, ' Wherever we search, we are searched for. ~ David Wilcox' which made me think that I really need to start searching in better places.  If I search for people, places and events in places that I have looked in my past, I will keep having the same results.  If I instead search people/places/events where I deserve, where I expect more because I should have only the best, I will have my hearts desire.

For some odd reason, it has been difficult for me to believe that I deserve the best... I am sure many people think this way too.  I did not pass that trait on to my oldest daughter, she expected the best and she received the it, I am happy for her.  I do of course want my daughters to want better and I instill that in them all the time.  I hope Valentina follows in her sisters footsteps as well... I just hope she is a little less disappointed in me than Andrea.  I do love both of my daughters completely. 

The truth is that if I want my children to want better, I need to want better for myself.  I give a lot of credit to my oldest daughter Andrea, she really had a plan for her life and she is achieving it, which makes me really happy.  Valentina may not have that trait, she may need me to model what I hope for her... of course I will happy with whatever choices she makes, I will wish and pray for the best for her as I always do for my oldest daughter as well.

So I am going to search for what I need in beautiful places, calm places and joyful places.... I already have some ideas of where these places are, all of them are good and uplifting places.  One of them will be postponed until I am healed from my operation, I think once I can start walking then running, the place I do will be a beautiful and calm place for me to be with my own thoughts and no media taking over my life.

I think in this world today where everyone is connected almost every moment of every day, I think we need to find places where we can just disconnect and be so that we will be able to be clear minded and to search the right places...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Question Is Not Why Me

I have been hearing more and more people say why me?  Why do I have to deal with so many trials?  I have asked myself this in the past... but I think every trial we go through is something we have to go through to get to where we are supposed to be or to become the person we are meant to be.  Being a kind and good person does not mean that we will never have trials, in fact we may have more.  Although it seems unfair when we are being dealt so many blows in our life, one after the other.... I think those very trials will bring us to a joy we could never imagine.

Also, why hold on to those trials from the past?  I say celebrate the fact that you are not in the middle of that trial anymore.  I won't waste my time or energy on trials from the past, it only weakens us.  To the people who have hurt me in my past, I have this to say to them.  I forgive you, I don't want to hold anger towards anyone... that does not mean that I want any of those people in my life, it just means that I don't waste my time disliking them.

For everything that Ruth did to me as a child, for all the demeaning words, the beatings for nothing... once she spanked my sister for breaking as elastic band... yes I know insane... It was difficult to live through as a child, since we lived in fear of saying or doing the wrong thing... Even with all this, I am free from her, she has no power over me... so why would I hold on to bad feelings for her?  That would only hold me back...

The same thing goes for Andrey, living with him was like living in fear all the time!  I am free from him though... he does not control me and he certainly does not control my happiness.  I have no animosity towards any of those people, I wish no harm... they will have to deal with what they did but this won't come from me through thoughts or words.

So I say forgive those people that have hurt you in the past, especially if they no longer have any power in your life... Don't waste time thinking about them, wondering when they will feel the pain they doled out to you, just let go and move on... you are so much better off than they are no matter their outcome.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Intentionally Flawed To Make Us Unique

This post was for last night, just as I was about to post it, my power went out and it was out for a while, I ended up going to bed... so today, I will post this one and another one later tonight. 

This phrase 'Intentionally flawed to make us unique' (Rick Warren) resonated with me... every person I know has what they consider to be flaws but what if those so called flaws are what makes us unique...  Why are we always trying to fit in, be like other people?  I have been guilty of this is the past but not in the past ten years or so.  I want to celebrate what makes me unique, the older I get the more that I believe my that unique qualities are what makes me special.

I don't want to be cookie cutter person, I want to be me, my quirkiness and all.  When I tried to be like others, following the pack... I was just very unhappy, I didn't even know who I was... it is a very long process to get through, learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  I tell my Valentina as I told Andrea to love themselves for who they are, I needed to take my own advise.

What if the very thing I have been fighting and disliking about myself is really what will make me a better person?  All those so called flaws are just our weaknesses or fears that try to hold us back... I don't want to be held back any longer... I don't want to be held back with what if's and why's?

Going forward, my flaws will become my strengths... I will love my flaws, give them light.... hiding them will only hurt me... I am bringing them into the light one at a time.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Your Own Self Rejection Is Turning People Away

I heard this phrase the other day 'Your own self rejection is turning people away'.... I was incredibly  struck by it, every time I think the least bit negative of some body part or quirky quality I have, I am turning people away.  WOW, I have seriously done this all my life.  I know that I have become more positive about what I deserve but I constantly have self doubt about my looks, not that I think I am ugly... I'm not... I am just a heavy girl.  This phrase made me realize that since I was rejecting my own body daily that I was turning people away from loving me.

So I have been thinking that I really need to do is love those things I have disliked about myself. I know when I focus on the great things about myself, they seem to stand out.  I have fabulous hair, really amazing... I have been very blessed, my hair is long, thick and soft... it only becomes more beautiful since I like it so much.

This reminded me that I have changed things about myself that I didn't like before such as I was SO shy.  I could barely talk to anyone unless you were family or a good friend.  When I was 25 years old, I decided enough was enough... I just started conversations with anyone.... it was hard and scary but I started telling myself that I was good at this, I was comfortable with this and one day I realized I was good at it.

I stopped disliking that shy quality I had, it had held me back for many years.  Job hunting was difficult when I had very little self confidence that I could handle speaking in the interview.  Now I ace interviews, love interviews.... I am really comfortable in them.  If I have a strong desire to get a certain job, all I need is the chance to have an interview and then the job is mine.

I never would have gained that great quality if I hadn't decided to love myself and open myself up for new experiences. I'm doing that again now... I have a date set for my operation, it is going to be January 31st, I'm finally getting the opportunity to have my leg healed after 11 years.  I am going to take the time to heal and relax.

I am grateful that I am having this chance, I am lucky that I am where I am at this moment because I have people that are going to be there for me, dropping by, checking in on me.  I am sure I won't be lonely for company.  I will get to read and catch up on my writing.

That little phrase 'Your own self rejection is turning people away' has really made me think about how I am projecting myself out in the world.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future