Gaining Strength Through Adversity

First I want to apologize but I had to put on the comment moderation due to the fact that there has been so much spam lately.  You just won't be able to see your comment immediately.  I also wanted to give you a quick update on my leg.  I am healing slowly... I have got out for two small walks... maybe 15 to 30 minutes, a bit exhausting for me but I am taking my time.

Wellness, ease, synchronicity, and tiny miracles are delicious indicators that I'm in tune with myself, my message, my purpose, and my innermost essence. ~ Dina Proctor

This quote touched me to the core, for this has been true in my life, when I am in tune with myself, I am peaceful with me.  Lately I have been going through something personal that I haven't talked about because I have decided to be as positive and uplifting that I can be on my blog.  So, I have been coping with this on my own, I am finding that although it is painful... I can see how it will be okay, eventually.

This is just a process that I have to go through so that I can be in tune with myself... to really understand my innermost essence.  It's because I can see that everything will work out the way it was meant to that I can get through this most painful time.  I am grateful that I know this will only be short term, this won't last.

One day I even hope to look back and see that I became stronger because of it and maybe I will even be able to smile... That is when we really learn the lesson and we stop making the same mistake over and over.  I still have many of those lessons to learn, I am taking them one at a time....

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all." ~ Walt Disney

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Our Super Power

Every person has a super-human-power deep within them that can transmute fear into freedom, lack into lots and limitation into liberation. That Super Power is called GRATITUDE! ~ Brad Morris

I read this quote last week and I saved it away in my emails... I was going through my quotes today and saw it again.  It really made me think, especially since I am such an advocate of facing my fears so that I can have freedom and joy.  When I read this and thought about how gratitude can get us there,  ever since I have had my surgery, I have nothing but gratitude in my heart daily. 

I am grateful for the many wonderful meals that have been prepared for me in the past couple of weeks, for the people that have driven me to and from the hospital for appointments, for the people who came into my home and helped me do the laundry and dishes. For Cindy who is taking amazing care of my Valentina, for Valentina who prays for me nightly, for my friends who keep in contact with me by either calling, texting, facebook messages.... There have been endless blessings sent my way in more ways than I can count.

I am sure I cannot say thank you enough, I don't know if anyone knows how truly grateful I am and have been for all that people are doing for me.  So I can totally agree with the quote above, gratitude is mine and it is our super power.  We all have the ability to be grateful for something in our life, I know that there are things that get us down, things so dark and difficult that many of us could never understand.  We are given the challenges we can handle by having gratitude for the blessings we do have in our life.

The most important blessing in my life is my family and my very close friends... I feel gratitude for them everyday...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Joy From "Starting With Myself"

The first blogger I want to write about is Joy whose blog is titled "Starting With Myself "  I asked her to give me a paragraph about herself and why she blogged.  I will share this all with you in a moment but first I would like to explain why Joy's blog is one of my favorites to read.  I found her blog from a blogging website I used to belong to, right away I loved her posts.  They are real, honest and open.  She says exactly how she feels, she respects your opinion.

I probably followed her and commented on her blog for four or five months with no real interaction.  However; she commented on my blog one day and we then started following each other on Facebook and Twitter.  I love seeing pictures of her children, all of them are darlings.  Joy writes about real life and everyday problems we all face.  She is passionate about her family, running, service.

I look forward to each post, I am excited when I am going through my list and I see one from her.  She never ceases to amaze me with her honesty which I adore.  Joy is a runner who has inspired me to want to run... she has a busy hectic life like all of us but she carves out time for herself to run.  I am looking forward to the day I can start exercising...

The next paragraph is from Joy herself, I really hope you take a moment and read her blog and if you like what you read, follow her too.

"I started blogging after suffering through postpartum depression from the twins, I didn't have it with my first Abigail, but I remember laying in my bed wondering how many of the Vicodin I had for pain would put me in a coma to have a break from the craziness of the two newborns plus an 18 month old, I never wanted to inflict pain on them, but rather myself. I wanted to run away!! I went to therapy and she suggested I blog to process my feelings. It grew from there. Now it is a natural outlet to whatever I may be going through. Work, weight, marriage, kids, and recently unemployment after being laid off after 11 years with a company, and 17 years since being UI. Blogging is so therapeutic for me and my goal is that by telling my story it may help someone else not have to go through this or to know that another person went through the same things, an encouragement to others that we go through life together, and help each other, love each other, hate each other, but together is the only way to live., really live!"

Here are a couple of my recent favorite entries of Joy's

The Witch And The Princess

I Got Married For All The Wrong Reasons

Starting With Myself

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Motivation From The Inside

When one is inspired, one does not need to be motivated from the outside! ~ Prasann Thakrar

This quote made me think because I know that I sometimes look for things outside myself to motivate me... such as a quote, or a book that makes me think.  Then I thought about it a little bit differently, I may look outside for a little inspiration but I always look inward to bring out what it was that inspired me to begin with.

I agree with the quote that we need to look inward for our motivation, we cannot look to others to get us there, certainly there are times that others will help us out but we always need to be helping others when we are strong.  When we look inward for our motivation, that strengthens us more that we are aware of...  I think my happiest time is when I have helped another person, through whatever means I possibly can and see the gratitude in their eyes, their smile.  Although this is not what I do it for,  I just want to help lift burdens. 

So, tomorrow I am going to write about one of my favorite bloggers and I am going to do this monthly.  I want to write what they inspire me about... what it is that excites me when they have blogged.  Many of the people that I follow, I feel as passionately about them as I do about the first person I am going to write about.  I am hoping you will take a look at the blogs I am going to talk about and that you will see what I see in them.  I think it's a great way to help each other.  I was inspired my another blogger to do this, I will blog about her next month.

Although I will definitely look inward for my motivation, I won't give up looking outward for a little inspiration here and there. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Just Enough Light

Amber May Be inspired my latest post with this quote she had on her blog it is one of our most difficult challenges in life, to keep taking that step forward when we are unable to see the outcome and we just have to trust... trust that the little light we are given will show us the right path.

I am one of those people that keeps trying to see ahead of the light.. instead of just having faith that the light knows the path.  There in lies my issues with trust, it seems that until I begin to actually trust that I am on the right path, going in the right direction I will never travel without fear of the unknown.

Trusting is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my life... it comes from not being able to feel safe.  From the time I was a child being raised by my insane ex step mother... I wondered if all people had to deal with this but found out that this wasn't normal.  I know that I have not been the best mommy (mama)  but I definitely try to build trust and happiness into my relationship with my children... I want them to feel safe.

Unfortunately because of my trust issues... I continued along in my life making poor choices that led me down paths that were incredibly challenging.  Ones I wondered if I would ever escape from... finally I reconnected with my David and I actually felt safe... I felt like I was home.. I felt like I could really trust someone.  Then everything fell apart with us too... we ended up being just 'friends'. 

When I read Amber's blog and saw this quote... I realized that I needed to trust in myself... trust that I am on the path I am meant to be on and that I will take baby steps to keep following the path.  Maybe it's because I am older and I understand that truthfully, we don't always know what is best for us... sometimes I just need to put my foot forward and believe that the light knows the path better than I do.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Falling Back In Love With Reading

I spent today reading... just lazily enjoying turning the pages, getting to know the characters.  I don't know what has taken me so long to get back into reading... whatever it is, I hope it's gone... I have about six books I can read and really enjoy right now.

My favorite book of all time is not even a well known story, it is called 'The Mirror'... I have probably read it twenty times or more.  I have other books that I loved so much that I read them many times but this one I loved the most.  I loved the characters, I was conflicted in how I wanted the story to turn out... I haven't read it for years, I think I will put it in my pile to read while I am off healing.

It was the love of reading that gave me the desire to write, I loved getting lost in the words on a page on dark rainy days or sunny afternoons sitting under a tree.  Envisioning myself in far away lands and doing amazing things.  I used to fashion stories up in my imagination but I was never encouraged to write them down.

I think with our fast paced lives that forget to take some time and just lazily read for the enjoyment.  I even ignored my phone for most of the time and that is feat of it's own.  I am going to tell you all a strange fact about me, I may have shared it in the past but here it is.... I read the end of a book to see if I am going to like the ending...  I know, it's strange but I don't mind knowing the outcome of the book, it actually helps me to enjoy the book more.  Hence why I can read the same book over and over... I just love the characters.

My hope is that we all take a little time for ourselves, mine is through reading and writing... What is yours?  Why not make some plans to do those things you loved so much in the past?  I know I am going to pick the things I love much more often than instant technology.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Holding On To Your Center

Mastin Kipp from the Daily Love always has inspiring people on his blog that give us amazing quotes that really make us really think.

"What's difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us."

- Marianne Williamson

I know that when I open an email from Mastin, it will make me think, ponder, question... which is a great thing for growth.  What I really got from that quote above was that it is not what challenges we have to deal with... it is how we deal with them.  I have long believed this as it is in my bio on Facebook and on my blog.  What I learned here was that it is by holding on to our center that this is what propels us to grow.

It's not that I think we don't have the right to be sad, disappointed, upset....  there are events in life that bring us to our knees and threatens to lose the center of who we are.   It is more about how we bring ourselves back up, by how we refuse to hold on to the event that is just something to bring us down.  I have grown through many of the challenges or trials I have had to deal with, let me tell you, I have been so low that I wondered how I would ever find my way back.

I did though, time and again... I find my way back.  I am stronger for each of these... even grateful at times.  Some events are harder to be grateful for than others... some I still work on.  I have learned a great deal about myself, especially in the past five years.  It has been a little over five years since I found my voice and my backbone and I had Andrey removed from my home.

I fell back into traps but finally freed myself from many of them. What I work on the most is that I want to ignore what other people think of me, I know my worth.  It does not depend on what other people think of me, it is based on what I believe. 

I have gone up and down over the past year or so, wondering about my worth... getting it at times but only to lose it because I failed to really see and understand my true worth.  My David was a big part of this... I tried so hard to figure out what it was that went wrong?  What did I do?  What did I say?.... I had to let this all go and that just because things didn't work out for David and me... this did not reflect on me. 

I didn't do anything, I didn't say anything.... it just didn't work out.  It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me, although believe me... I beat myself up for that for a very long time.  I have been working on being centered... so that I don't let the next trial I have control me or make me think less of myself.  That's what being centered is about... knowing that no matter what happens, I go back to the core.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Our Dreams Are Always A Possibility

As long as we don't give up, our dreams are always a possibility. ~ Rachel Cheríe Wood

In the past few weeks I have heard one argument after another for either giving up on a dream or for giving all of yourself and never giving up.  Both sides have valid points, sometimes you have to change course in the middle of a dream... to be able to attain the ultimate dream.  Other times, I feel like some things are worth never giving up on... for example, I have a great desire to live healthy, which includes exercising.  At this moment it isn't feasible for me to accomplish this but I will continue to strive to achieve this goal in the future.

The only one that can stop me is me... if I am determined to reach a goal... attain a dream... live life the way I was meant to... No one can stop me but me.  Truthfully, I am tired of giving up on myself when I am close to a goal... I am worth all the extra work entailed in reaching a goal or dream. 

I tend to be the girl that is very goal oriented... I see the end picture and want it but I have allowed doubts to give me the reason to give up in the past... no longer will I do this.  Since I have had this operation and I have been so dependent on everyone due to the surgery I had... I have gained a great deal of compassion for other people that are going through similar things I am going through, yet they don't have the people I have helping me.  I am forever grateful for the this opportunity to have to rely on other people as it shows me I am loved.

I will remember to show love to others whenever possible, I will be looking for ways to do this.  I am also very grateful that I have my legs, I am going to walk and run again, nothing will be able to stop me this time... I have seen what it is like to be without and I won't forget to be grateful in everything. Our dreams are always a possibility... we should never give up.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

The Connection Of Hearts

Today I went back to see the surgeon... they say the graft is 90% healed, which is good, I can't wait for it to be 100% so that I can start walking... jogging... running.  I look forward to this spring and summer for this but I am going to relax the rest of this winter and make sure my leg heals completely.

"In our deepest moments of struggle, frustration, fear, and confusion, we are being called upon to reach in and touch our hearts. Then, we will know what to do, what to say, how to be. What is right is always in our deepest heart of hearts. It is from the deepest part of our hearts that we are capable of reaching out and touching another human being. It is, after all, one heart touching another heart."

- Roberta Sage Hamilton

So, I read this quote above and it made me think that this is how I want to be, I want to be able to reach others through their hearts by giving of myself.  I want real connections, not just the fake ones we have in our lives sometimes.  I want the real ones where I laugh so hard that my belly hurts, the ones where I can cry to get all of my feelings out.  I don't want to be afraid to say what I am thinking or feeling at any given time.

Sharing our deepest part of our hearts is one of the most difficult things to do... it's like becoming completely vulnerable, allowing someone to see the real you and finding out they love you as much as they always did if not more.  I know it doesn't always end up this way, but sharing love is never wrong... I want to be capable of touching another person through our hearts... I want to feel that real and lasting connection.

Until you have felt it, it can never be explained... there are never enough words, no matter what you say, it isn't adequate. Once you have felt it, you never give up on wanting deeper connections.  I personally don't want to waste time on anything less.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

How Lucky Was I?‏

I've been thinking about all the scary things I've done... like when I was 16 and got into a strangers car alone when I lived in Niagara Falls... I was lucky

Another time a friend and I got into a van with two guys... we drank with them and then went swimming in the middle of nowhere with them... I was lucky

There was a time I totally disrespected myself and allowed men into my home... while barely knowing them... I was lucky

Today I would never do these things again... I have learned my lesson... I was lucky

I often wonder how I made it to where I am today... I have read about and I have heard personal stories of people that have made much smaller mistakes or errors in judgement and have had events happen that were terrible and life altering...

How lucky was I?  It was all about disrespecting my self worth, not valuing myself... I value myself today... I want better for me.  If you could hear all the stories... I have led quite the life; certainly NOT proud of the path I have taken at times...  but it makes me realize how lucky I was...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Forgiveness Will Lead You To Freedom

My day runs one into the other... lots of time to just rest and think.  I'm one of those people who enjoys some me time but I'm also a people person.  I realize though that as much as I want all the contact, I need the quiet... so that I can rest as much as possible.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

- Katherine Ponder
When I read this quote above today, it reinforced within me that I don't want to hold resentment of another... I don't want to wonder why things are good for them and not for me?  I don't want to question why some people seem to escape trials while others are inundated with them.  The precise reason that I don't hold the resentment for others is that I want my freedom. 

I don't want to have those chains holding me back, so that I cannot move on.  It always makes me think when people I know don't let go of resentment... I see it as so sad, it holds back good people from becoming what they were meant to become. 

When I was 15 years old and I wanted to be free from Ruth (my abusive ex step mother)... all I did was pray that I would be free of living with her, free of her control... I wished her no harm, I never questioned why she didn't seem to pay... My prayer was answered, I was free not to live with her... it was not for me to wonder why or when she would pay.  I think no ill thoughts of her or anyone that was less then kind to me. 

I never want resentment to stunt my growth and hold me back... just as I felt when I was 15 is how I feel today... Let things go, don't be revengeful... it will never bring peace or freedom.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

For A Dream To Be Realized

I wasn't sure if I would write tonight, I became quite exhausted at 7:00 pm that I fell asleep... I did wake up two and a half hours later... feeling a bit more refreshed.  I am trying to get in a comfortable position on my bed so that I can write with ease... I think I have found the solution.

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon. Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested."

- Paulo Coelho
I read this quote above from the blog 'The Daily Love' by Mastin Kipp... I feel like it is a metaphor for everything I have gone through and how I want to realize my dream and I want to appreciate the path I took to get there.  If I want to be victorious and I do... I need to expect that I will be severely tested and I think I should be more thankful for that... for with each trial, it gets me closer to having my dream being realized.

It's like the quote about 'Happiness is not the destination, happiness is the journey'.  So many times we say... I will be happy when... I need to be happy now even if I have some trials that seem difficult and overwhelming, I do know in my heart that things will turn out the way they are meant to be.  This knowledge doesn't always make me see my trials in this light as we all have down periods.... until we are able to see again.

This leg of my journey seems like one of hardest roads I have ever followed... and I have survived some REALLY difficult trials and became stronger for them... but for some reason, this one seems like one of my biggest challenges.  But then I think... hmm... one of my biggest challenges will bring me to one of my biggest dreams.  Time to go head on... if I want that dream realized... and I do.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Listen, You Are Beautiful

This is going to be a quick post, it has been a very long day... I had the VON come in to look at my skin graft, Cindy came down with Valentina, a dear friend came over to help me clean up a little and another brought me dinner.  I haven't really rested today, so my body is taking over and telling me... get some rest.

I just wanted to touch base and tell everyone, I am so catching up on all my blogs still, it is almost 3 weeks worth.  Where my computer is situated it is difficult for me to sit too long to type.  So, I need to lay up on my bed and just relax for a while.

I am a little disappointed with myself, although I know I am only human... I expect so much more from myself...  I have been allowing stress to take our my life, I have been pushing myself a little too much and I really need to listen to my body.

I read this quote above after having an interesting experience today... which reminded me of the incident... I ran to the washroom to brush my teeth, when I looked in the mirror, I had no make-up, my hair was in a high pony tail and I was still in my nighty... but I really looked at myself and thought... I am pretty... I don't always think this of myself... I am often critical.  I really looked at myself though, I have nice shaped eyes, I have great lips, full and shaped like a bow and I have wonderful hair, long and thick... Usually I have to have my hair done and make up on and all dressed up to see myself this way.  Today though... I what I saw was beautiful to me.  We all need to do that once and a while, really look at ourselves and love ourselves.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Take A Deep Breath

So, such an emotional day... you know those days that kind of knock the breath out of you.  Nothing dire like an accident, a loss of a job or such... just a day that make you feel so many of your feelings that you begin to be overwhelmed by them.  I have had nothing but time to think for this past two weeks while I had surgery and was in the hospital... now home thankfully; this time to think brings you to a new awareness of yourself.

At least for me it did... I had nothing to mask it... no getting up and prepared for work, traveling there, handling clients inquiries, getting home... over eating, depriving my body sleep... the numerous things we all do to zone out... not deal... just let life take over.  Well I don't have those things, when my body is tired... it just knocks me out, I don't have a lot of energy yet... so I spend a lot of time just resting and thinking.

I have been working on some things I need to deal with and I thought I was getting to a good point... I have been working very hard to get there but then today, just out of the blue... someone felt the need to share something with me that they knew would hurt me even though I was incredibly happy for them... I know this sounds odd... I'm not ready to explain the full incident, just that I was completely overwhelmed by the situation... the first thing I thought of was what could I do to avert those painful feelings.

 Anything... I just didn't want to feel, it's those overwhelming feelings that we all eventually have to deal with head on if we are to ever move on.  This is one of those, I am going to lay out my requirements and sit back and let things play out as they were meant to play out.  I will deal with the fall out, no matter the outcome.   I think this is the only way I can get through this challenge... otherwise I will return to old methods to get me through each day and that is not living.  That's when you forget to breathe after having your breath knocked out of you... we just have to take a deep breath and move forward...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Am Back~Filled With Gratitude

I am back...and I am filled with so much gratitude.  When I left on January 31st to go into the hospital, I was first told that I would be spending five days, once I met up with one of the doctors that was doing the surgery, she told me I would be leaving that day.... a huh... That didn't happen, I ended up spending twelve nights and thirteen days in the hospital.  First and foremost, the nurses were beyond amazing and worked off their feet, a massive kudos to all of them.  Second, hospital food is atrocious... I almost gave up eating. 

Luckily a couple of my friends brought me in some real food that got me through some rough days.  Third, I am so thankful to every single person who either visited me, called me, texted me, messaged me on Facebook and brought by meals. I am one lucky girl... I had a lot of emotions to deal with, there was nothing I could hide behind, I just had to feel and that can be incredibly hard... a lot of the time..  which has given me a lot I want to write about in the next few days. 

I don't want to sit here and name everyone as this would be a long post and I might leave someone out and I don't want to do that.  I have learned a lot though, one... I am going to visit people in the hospital whenever I possibly can... two... I am going to make meals for people once I am healed... three... I am going to make the time to call/message or text people to let them know I am thinking of them.  It made a huge difference in an otherwise boring and mundane day.

I also am looking forward to no more excuses once I am given the green light and healed.... so that I can start exercising, by walking, jogging, running, yoga... you name it.  I want to be involved in my fitness and Valentina's, the times are changing for me, I want a healthy body so that I never have to go back into the hospital again.  Also, I am grateful for our health care in Canada... beyond thankful... I couldn't imagine being some place where I had to worry about the finances.  Absolutely one less thing to worry about, thank you Canada !!!

One thing I truly missed was reading and commenting on all your blogs... I love my new phone but it doesn't allow me to post easily (at least I couldn't figure it out... lol)  So, I am off to read all of your blogs... I will comment once on each person's blog to get caught up, otherwise I will be here for a week... hahaha.  Just know that I can't wait to get caught up and I really missed all of you.

I hope you all have a blessed and awesome day!

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future