I Won The Contest And I Won My Life Back Too

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.  

The contest may be over but I am still on the journey of becoming the healthiest me that I can be ...  even if I hadn't won the money portion, I still won by getting my life back, however; as Cindy says.. was there ever any doubt that I would win? ... no.  I am extremely competitive and once I caught the vision of exercise and how very fun it was I have been hooked.  In the past 11 weeks I have walked over 230 miles, that is an average of 20+ miles per week.

I lost an additional 3.8 pounds on my eleventh week, which ended up being a total of 37.2 pounds.  I was shocked  but thrilled that every week I lost weight... I know the time will come that I will plateau and maybe even gain a pound here and there... I will just power through until my body understands this is a lifestyle change and not about dieting.
So, this week was crazy busy leading up the final weigh in, which is good in a way, most weeks are not going to be smooth sailing with eating healthy and exercising whenever I feel like it.  There are going to be challenges that get in the way.  Here is my week, Monday I got up and walked about two and half miles, then I took Valentina to get her ears pierced in the evening(no go though, they wanted her health card)... we went home, talked to my sister who was in town visiting.  Tuesday morning I walked about two and a half miles in the morning and then in the evening I spent that with my physiotherapist and then my sister showed up and we talked until quite late. Wednesday I walked another two and a half miles, then Wednesday evening was all about having a family dinner, there were nine of us and we had a good time. Thursday I walked about two miles and then saw my physiotherapist again.

I was completely exhausted by this point and I knew I was taking a break from walking on Friday, I left for work early and in a pretty good mood as I felt confident that I had worked hard enough to win and I was thrilled that I was still in the zone of wanting to stay healthy and keep on this path.  I have goals such as the 5k I am running/walking on October 6th... plus I really want to take up Zumba and maybe Latin dancing this winter.  Anyhow, I looked down at my phone and there was a message from my David... it was 6:30 am my time and 3:30 am his time, I opened the message and instantly my mood changed... he wanted me to know he had been admitted to the hospital, due to complications with his stomach.  The air was knocked out of me, I started to panic and all I wanted in that moment was to be able to go to him but it wasn't possible, he is thousands of miles away.

I sat on the bus crying with worry, praying constantly for David... he's my best friend, he is the man that I love and I couldn't be there for him.  I somehow made it to work but the whole day was a massive blur, I took calls, answered questions on auto pilot, made my way home... I had won the contest and it felt good but all that mattered was finding out if my D was alright... Finally later in the evening I got a quick message that they would be keeping him in for one more day and that there would be no emergency surgery.  He's not out of the woods yet, he may still need surgery in the near future... but at least for now he isn't in imminent danger.  I am very relieved about this but also sad that I am this far away from him... I can only imagine how his daughter is feeling, she must be so worried...
The good thing about all this is that when I nearly fell apart about David, I didn't think what can I eat, I just let myself feel and I cried when the emotion came up.  It was okay for me to be sad and worried, I had no way of knowing how he was... I had to wait to hear from him... I didn't use the crazy busy week I had as an excuse not to eat healthy good food an even though I was challenged to exercise as much as I like, I still exercised as much as I could.  That proves to me that I am not just on this weight loss kick for a contest, I am on this weight loss kick for the long haul, I am getting my life back day by day.

We can all do this, we just have to decide it and not give up when challenges are thrown our way, just power through. I actually won my life back this past eleven weeks...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥  

Sweeping It Under The Rug

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.  
This upcoming week is going to be insane. I don't know how I am going to keep it all together... My sister from New York state is in town until Friday, so I will want to see her. The final weigh in for the contest is Friday morning, so I will want to walk a lot. I have two physio appointments, a family dinner and I promised to get Valentina's ears pierced.  As well, I have regular cleaning such as dishes, laundry and sweeping... etc..

All of this with working full time and I am emotional... geesh. I know why I am emotional, I am just trying to sweep it under the rug until Friday when I will have time to deal with it.... I hope... I started feeling stressed when I realized I just don't have time to write this week, unless I give up sleep, which I don't advocate for me... However; I gave up a little sleep last night in hopes that it will be enough to tide me over until Friday... otherwise I might have a melt down. I know life is about balance but sometimes it is pretty hard to keep that balance when everything is being thrown at me from all sides.
I need to get through this week, spend time with my sister, walk as much as I can, win the contest and then deal with the issue under the rug. I'm afraid of that issue but I don't have the time or emotions to handle it right now; if I let myself think about it I cry... so I try not to let myself think about it.

I really pushed myself with my sister with walking yesterday, we walked over the bridge and back (1.3 miles each way) and we were able to maintain an average 15.15 minute mile. She challenged me, she looked like she barely broke a sweat, she could talk... I could not. She is in great shape as she has always exercised over the years where I have not... A good wake up call for me. Now that I know I can walk a mile in that time, I want to push myself to get there as much as possible... not every time but as much as possible...
Valentina and I are in need of mama/daughter time, which we will do tonight when I take her out to get her ears pierced ... next weekend will be about her and I as school is back in on Tuesday September 3rd... I took the day off so I could take her. I just want to help her get organized for the first day and I want her to feel special.  Starting out in the higher grades are scary, she is going into grade 5 and children are very clicky... I am trying to instill in her now that these children and their ideas are not important in the long run but it is really hard to get that through to your children as it feels all to real to them.

I have been so busy with exercising, I have had little time for anything else... hence why I swept some things under the rug... by doing this though, I have seen how emotional it makes me.. just a strong reminder that I have to deal with these issues as they happen... no matter how much I don't want to... no matter how afraid I am... There I go, crying again... If there is anything I have learned in the past two years is that burying anything just means it comes back bigger and more difficult to deal with... fearing the outcome is not a good enough reason to ignore it but time constraints are a good enough reason to at least hold off...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥  

You And I, Always Almost

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I had a pretty good week, a little less walking than I wanted to do but I have to remember that I am not a machine, just because my mind wants me to walk all the time, does not mean it is always a good thing.  So, I did take a little time off to work with my physiotherapist and my knees are beginning to feel a little better.  She is sure with time and some simple exercises I will be able to run up and down stairs again in the near future.  Friday was weigh in day for my 10th week of the contest, there is just one week left, I managed to lose 1.6 pounds bringing my total weight loss to 33.4 pounds.  Here is the funny thing, when I first got weighed I was a little disappointed that it was only 1.6 pounds... as I had time to process it through the day I realized how silly I was being.  I was in awe that at the 10 week mark I am still losing a good amount of weight... I am 50 years old, I am not in my twenties when it was easy to lose weight... however; I never lost any weight in the past, this healthy. 

I know many people who would love to lose as much weight as I have in the short amount of time... I not only lost the weight, I have lost the inches.  Everyone is telling me how great I am looking, I am feeling better and better about myself.  The two sisters that I grew up with are smaller than me, yet my baby sister said to me today, maybe if I can lose another 25 pounds, I can be happy... I looked at her and said, how about being happy with yourself now?  You have lost 50 pounds and you look amazing... She then said, I guess I should have said happier than I am now.  Well, I am happy with my weight loss, I see the difference, I feel great... I don't want to stop here by any means as I want to be healthy.  However; losing more weight will not make me any happier, it will make me healthier. 

Anyhow, what I really wanted to write about was how hard it is to know that I have met my soul mate and that it was at the wrong time, it seems like my David and I have almost always been together at different times in our lives... I only bring this up as my sisters and I were at the beach today and they were both trying to get me to date again.  I told them I am not ready and I am not sure when I ever will be... they laughed and told me that the best way to get over one man was to start dating another man...  I don't think that is the way for me to get over David, I think the best thing I can do is work on myself to become the best me.  I don't think jumping in and out of relationships is the way for me to handle a broken heart.  I am healing, I am happier than I have been in a very long time, it all takes time with me... dating someone new at this moment in my life would just mess me up and mess up another person.  For once in my life, I don't want to use bad methods to work through sadness... I want to work through the sadness with good things.  

Things like exercising, eating healthy, attending church... mostly loving myself...  I can't see how dating someone new would make any of these better?  Sometimes it is best to be alone and process things like a broken heart.  It is not like I am sitting in my room crying day after day or using things to cover the sadness.  I am getting out daily, walking and running... I have not watched TV for 10 weeks, I have not even blogged on a daily basis... I am working on me, I am pushing my body to become the best that it can be and in the process I am working through a lot of emotional issues that in the past I would bury my head in the sand and try to forget about.  At least now I don't get on the bus and sob away all the way to work, nor do I sit in my cubicle at work crying like I used to... I am living my life actively and I am dealing with things better than I ever did. 

Saying all this, I do get sad about David from time to time... I know that I will never meet anyone that compares to him, we fit together perfectly, we laughed at the same jokes, I trust him with anything.  I have told him secrets that I never told anyone else, he never broke those secrets and he told me things he never told anyone else, I would never tell them to anyone ever... My David was not my first love, he was my true love, he is my soul mate... David and I have always been almost... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future 

Forgiving Each Other Shows Love

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

Relaxing and stretching for the last two days has really helped to rejuvenate my legs... as well I have had a few people inbox me with great suggestions that I am going to try.  I am trying everything possible not to plateau for the next couple of weeks as I know that it is inevitable... I am not living in LuLu land as I know some people think I am... I know that I will have times that will be frustrating but I am in this for the long haul... this is a lifestyle change not a quick diet to get me to a certain weight.  I don't even think I have a weight in mind anymore, I just want to feel healthy... I want to like my look in the mirror and lately I am really liking what I am seeing.

What I wanted to write about today came from a lesson I heard at church today, it was about forgiveness which I feel is essential to all of us.  I have heard people say I cannot forgive this person for whatever wrong they did and I feel sorry for them... because forgiveness isn't saying that it is okay what someone did to you, nor is it saying you have to let that person back into your life... it is saying that you are letting it go so that it frees you and it shows love.  Don't all of us want more love in our lives?  I know that I do... I want to feel true forgiveness for other people who have hurt me in someway as I don't want them to have any power over me.
Each time we do not forgive someone it holds us to the other person, I don't want this for me... I hope you don't want this for you either.  I have some very good friends who are doing this in their life right now and it makes me want to cry for them, they don't understand that if they just forgive the person who hurt them, that the person will not have power over them any longer. Do I think it is easy to forgive someone for hurting you?  No... but once you do it, it is almost empowering... Andrey raped me, it nearly destroyed me and it could have broken me but I forgave him, that does not mean that I want him back in my life in anyway... it means that one night is not going to control my emotions for the rest of my life.

Does he feel sorry, I don't know and truthfully I don't care anymore.  None of it matters, what matters is that I came through that and I didn't let it destroy me... I allowed myself to love and be loved because for a long time I let that night control my actions and I didn't love myself, I allowed myself to be used... trying to fill up how empty I felt inside. It wasn't until I was willing to forgive Andrey for raping me that I saw my worth and I wanted more for myself.  Forgiving him, helped me to love myself and allowed me to love David... I cannot explain it well enough but truthfully forgiving each other shows love.  Every last one of us makes mistakes, wouldn't you want to be forgiven for that?  Do you want to live with that pain for the rest of your life?  Well I don't, I like being free, I don't want anyone being in control of me... forgiving him helped me to be free.

I know that message in the lesson was for me as I have been thinking about my David and I realized that I needed to forgive him too... what do I need to forgive him for...?  I need to forgive him for letting me fall in love with him when he was not ready, looking back now I can see that it just wasn't a good time, he was still wrapped up in his previous relationship.  Of course he was still involved emotionally, it was only five months since he had broken up a long term relationship and I know now that it takes so much longer to get past that...  I was ready for real love, David was not because he had to come to terms with his past relationship. 
I know I have written about forgiveness a few times in the past and I have even written about having to forgive David but part of me thought why?  What did I have to forgive him for?  Today I was given the answer, today I knew that until I forgive him for thinking he was ready to love again, I will never be able to move on and be truly happy... I will sit here and wonder why for the rest of my life and is that what I want for me?  No... it's not even what I want for my David.  As I have lost the weight and lived a much healthier life, I have seen a change in me, a good one. 

I know that some people, actually many people think that I am losing this weight for David, not at all.  I am losing this for me, I am getting healthy for me...  I wanted to stop all the excuses I had, the ones where I said I don't have time to exercise, I can't give up certain foods or I can't change certain behaviors.  In nine weeks I have proven all those things to be excuses, I can exercise, I can give up food that is unhealthy and has no redeeming qualities about it, I can change my behavior in ways such as not thinking I am deprived.  Changing my lifestyle was something I was ready for, something that gives me joy and something that is making great changes in my life. 

A small part of me wants to look extremely good when I go to Alberta, I want to walk off that plane and I want to shock David, I like shocking people... even myself... I love seeing all the changes in me...  But I am not losing any of this weight for David, losing the weight is not going to make him love me.  If I thought that for one moment, I would just end up with disappointment and then I would come home and put all the weight back on. I want to see him so that we can talk, face to face... I want to be able to hug him, I felt safe in his arms and I want him to know that I care about him no matter what.

Above all I want to learn to forgive myself, I want to show love to myself... if anything I am harder on me than I am on anyone else in my life... I deserve forgiveness as much as anyone else in my life deserves it... Actually if I cannot forgive myself, how do I ever expect anyone else to forgive me for my poor choices or mistakes?  Don't we all deserve that?  Don't you?
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Change Can Be Made In Time

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I have had a couple of days where I have not been able to get out and really exercise like I want to.... It all started on Thursday morning when I jumped out of bed and rushed around getting prepared for work, I had so many things that had to be done.  One of them being going to the bank to be able to have the money to pay my sitter, it was pay day....  normally when I wake up, I lay in bed for 10-15 minutes just thinking, stretching and relaxing... then I start my day.  Anyhow, I left for my walk that I take in the morning and almost immediately I could feel that I was slower and my legs were not feeling themselves.  I decided to take it easy and only walked for 30 minutes and then bused it the rest of the way. 

By late afternoon I was feeling better and really put some effort into walking the near mile to the bus stop from my work, it felt good and I didn't think much more of my sore, tired legs from the morning... Until I got to the physiotherapist appointment about my knees.  She could tell almost immediately that my hamstrings were extremely tight and she massaged them out and made me promise to take it easy one day per week, maybe even two, so that I would give my legs a break.  Dutifully on Friday morning I took the bus to work but that was fine, it was weigh in day and I like to relax before I get weighed in.  I hopped on the scale and when I looked down, I was so shocked, yet very happy to see that I had taken another 3.6 pounds off, I am now at the 31.8 mark, all within 9 weeks.
I did walk some very short walks that day, totaling a little over two and half miles but nothing long... today I thought I might take a good long walk tonight but after a short walk to a couple of stores and after being in the grocery store, I knew I would have to give my legs another days break, otherwise I could injure them and than I could be out of commission a lot longer than a couple of days. I have to say, they are feeling so much better tonight, less stiff and rejuvenated. I will be back at it tomorrow, however; I don't plan to push myself as hard as I have in the recent past until I see that my legs are capable of handling the pressure.

I am really grateful for my legs, especially since I have had so many issues with them in the past ten months, starting with the weakness in my legs from the cholesterol pills I used to take to the injury I caused them by continuing to force myself to walk on them even though I barely had any strength in them... Then I ended up having surgery for the skin graft that needed to be fixed and I was unable to walk for almost eight weeks... All of these incidents remind me regularly how blessed I am that I have legs that I can walk with, so I am giving them a break and treating them with the care they need as I want to be able to walk for a very long time.

I am still dedicated to losing the weight and I am loving how great I feel... I don't even think I can begin to explain how wonderful I feel on the inside... I feel committed, strong, pleased and dedicated.... for once I am actually thinking of myself in a good way... I would definitely say that I thought about myself too much in the past but not in a good way.  I was always trying to find a way to cover one pain or another with methods that were never any good for me.   I thought each method was at least better than the pain... however; since I have been living my life without those so called pain eliminators... I have come to understand that the very things I did to cover the pain, only caused more pain.

I have been in a dark and sad place ever since my relationship with David didn't work out the way that it should have... the way it was meant to... I didn't want to deal with that pain... so I did everything not to feel it... In the last nine weeks I have had to feel it all, process it all.  I still cry sometimes because I know that without a doubt we were meant to be together, we were good together, we respected each other and there is real love between us.  However; David isn't in that place, he's in the place that is still dealing with his ex and all that she did to him and continues to do to him... He's not ready to move on from her completely and until he does, he will never be ready to have a real relationship with anyone.
I added this quote above in because at one time I thought David was near perfect, I came to realize that he wasn't and he never was... but I only loved him more once I knew

He told me that I gave people permission to treat me the way they did and that it was up to me to change that.... he does the same thing... the difference is that I have changed that and I expect to be treated better now and in the future.  He is my best friend, no matter what happens in the future and I think that it is a testament to the love we have for each other that we have been able to remain good, strong friends.  In the beginning of our relationship I was so sure that I was lucky to be with David, down the road... I changed that and I thought we were lucky to be with each other.... lately I think... David was lucky to have me...

I don't say that like I think I am the most wonderful person ever... however; no one will love David, not judge him, want the best for him and care about him as much as I do... I love him in a way that cannot just go away because I want it to... I will be there for him for the rest of my life, he is one of the first thoughts I have in the morning and he is one of the last thoughts I have at night... I am definitely going to Alberta in April... unless he changes his mind and comes home for Christmas.  I need to see him face to face.... maybe then change can be made....
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Taking A Step Back Can Be Wise

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 
 When I went out for my walk yesterday it was sunny and hot... it was only 6:00 pm when I left so I thought it would be fine to walk at that time of the early evening.  When I woke up this morning, I had a migraine, the kind where the light was bothering my eyes and I felt nauseous, I knew not to play around with that and took two Advil immediately.  However; I didn't catch it quite quick enough and by 6:00 am I knew that going to work was out of the question.  I do not like to miss work, especially if it is a busy day as I know that just leaves more work for my co-workers and I don't feel good piling more work on anyone.

I rested most of the morning, keeping everything as quiet at possible... the migraine subsided and I have decided not to go out for long walks when the sun is that hot again... I am headed out for a walk tonight but not until around 7:30, I do not want a repeat of last night.  The good thing about this was that I actually got to rest, then I started cleaning in the afternoon.... without Valentina here, I was able to do all those jobs done that had piled up in the past couple of weeks.  I was able to sweep every part of the house, I have hardwood floors... which I love and I am hoping when I move that I will not have to deal with carpets.  After I swept all the floors twice, I then mopped them all... they were in need of a good mopping. 

I also pulled the washing machine out and washed all the blankets I could find... we have many.  This comes from when I was growing up with my ex step mother Ruth who was so stingy with blankets that my two sisters and I had to share one blanket on a double bed... I swore my children would never have to deal with that. Consequently I have way too many blankets... and pillows...  I just never want a child of mine to be cold and to feel like she couldn't ask for a blanket...  my ex step mother was an odd ball, she herself never went without blankets or pillows herself.  Sometimes I wonder what my father thought of this, he just never noticed... how odd was that?

Anyhow, I was able to get them all clean, dried and put away.  Valentina came home and was very happy to see that the house was sparkling clean... it feels good... as well all the dishes that had been piling up are all cleaned and put away.  I have really neglected the house while I have been exercising.  I leave very early in the morning and walk for nearly 45 minutes, then I usually go for another walk in the evening for 45 minutes to an hour... tonight will only be 30 to 40 minutes as I counted all the housework that I did as exercise...
Besides I need a really good sleep tonight, I do not want a repeat of this morning... tomorrow is likely going to be busier as it is Tuesday and and payroll is pretty busy on that day.  I missed work, chatting with my co-workers, helping the clients but I would have not been any good to anyone if I had gone in this morning... I most likely would have left and then spent the rest of the day in bed... this way, I got a little rest and then had some energy to do some much needed cleaning that will benefit me for the rest of the week... I feel like I was able to accomplish a lot today.  I won't take it for granted and push myself hard tonight, I will take a walk and then get some much needed rest...

Some times I am over competitive... okay... all the time I am over competitive.. today showed me that I needed to take a small step back and not push myself so hard... if I continued on this path that I was on, I could end up making myself sick and then what?  I think today was a reminder to me that I am not some sort of machine that can keep going and going without actually relaxing from time to time.  Just because I take a morning or evening off does not mean I am being lazy... it means I am taking care of myself.  I learned my lesson, thankfully I learned it before I made myself too ill.  It is really good to listen to our bodies, when things like this happen... it means to take a step back and analyze why... it doesn't mean, go harder...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Am Worth An Hour And A Half Per Day, So Are You

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 
All day yesterday I felt the need to get out and exercise... it seemed there was one thing after the other that came up to prevent me from actually getting out there... Finally just before nine pm, I pulled on my yoga pants, tank and sneakers, I set out to walk/jog a 5K...  The little app Map My Walk that I use tells me when I have walked a mile and how long it took, well last night it said in the low 16's which is really good for me, so it pushed me to walk faster and by the second mile I was still on track with being the low 16's... then I really picked up speed and sprinted off and on the rest of the way home.  I was so thrilled to make it home and see that I had beat my old time by four minutes, that is big for me.

I was really grateful that I didn't give up and say it was too hard to get out and take my walk last night, I really enjoyed it, it was cooler out and there were very few people out so I could just be free and sprint when I felt like it... Tonight when I went out, it was a little earlier but I wanted to be in bed at a much earlier time, anyhow... it was still sunny and warm... which made for a slower walk for me but I was grateful that I got out for this walk too... each one of these walks are just building blocks to make me stronger so that I will be ready when my 5K happens in October. 

I remember thinking, how am I ever going to run a 5K, I can barely walk a mile without wanting to stop and catch my breath???... Eight weeks ago I was so out of shape and I wondered what I had got myself into with joining the contest at work and now here I am, still a big girl but I am feeling amazing... I cannot believe how easy it was to change my life around in such a very short time.  I am loving the changes so much that I am really hoping we don't have a rough winter here this year, I want to continue to walk outside as much as I can... Even if we do have a lot of snow, I am going to find a way to incorporate exercise into my daily life...  I see how I miss it if I don't do a lot one day... I want to keep up with all the health benefits.

Also, I have been hearing some people say, that is great for you but I couldn't do that... they are right, they can't do it because they say they can't....  one of my favorite quotes of all times is 'Whether You Think You Can, Or Think You Can't, You're Right'...  I used to be one of those people, reading blogs of people that made time for fitness and thought, great for them, I couldn't do it.. Then I changed my mind and just got out there one day and started walking and never stopped... I am here to tell you that it is possible but YOU have to believe it, there is nothing I can say or anyone else for that matter... YOU have to believe it and just get out there, take the first step... will it be hard?  You bet it will be!!!  Does it get easier, a little but then I am continually pushing myself to be faster, go further so frankly it isn't easier for me and that is okay.

If you have thought about losing weight and getting healthy, open your front door tomorrow and go out for a walk, even if it is only a mile... it might only be a mile for the first little while but keep going, keep trying because eventually you will see yourself in a place you never thought possible and you will know that it really is up to you as I found out for myself... It was totally up to me, I had to make the time and really it is only an hour to an hour and a half per day... I am worth an hour and a half a day, so are you.  If you complain to me that you don't have time, I won't judge you, I will just let it go... I am not here to judge you or anyone else but if you make the effort, I will be your biggest cheerleader... I will root you on no matter where you are in the world.

Once the contest is over, the next thing I want to work on is strength training, I have long thought this was not my thing... however; with all the changes I have made in the past eight weeks, there is very little that I don't think I am capable of anymore. I know that when I put my mind to something, anything... I will be able to achieve it, it is only me who stops me... no one else.  I don't want to stop me anymore, I want to be my biggest cheerleader... I want to show myself I am stronger than I ever thought possible.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

Focused On The Vision‏

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I have been wanting to write but by the time I have finished working, then taking my walk... I'm exhausted, I then fall into bed.  I usually send my David a good night text around 9 pm... that is 6 pm his time... then I am out like a light.

Because of the menopause, I rarely sleep through the night though but when I wake up I don't usually stay up for more than a minute or two as I am up at 4 am from Monday to Friday.  Unfortunately, I can't blog on the bus because of all the bumps... so I usually just listen to music and relax.  My lunch time is now being taken up using the bike at work, I want to strengthen my legs so that I can actually bike around Halifax next spring.

So, for the good news, I have now lost 28.2 pounds in eight weeks, that is averaging three and a half pounds per week.  I have three weeks left to the contest... I am hoping I don't plateau before then... it means I will have to put out more effort.  This also means I probably won't be able to blog as much as I like... the Fall is around the corner,  I'll get more on track then.

I guess I've traded one addiction for another... the good thing about exercising is that it tires me out and it is helping me to lose the weight I have SO desired to lose over the years.  There are NO more excuses for me, I have none... I am SO focused.  I want to be healthy and I want stay that way for the rest of my life.

 Some good news is that my Valentina has lost 7 pounds too... it is harder for her as she's 10 and she doesn't understand the importance... I'm just going to continue eating healthy and exercising... hoping she will catch the vision for herself too... I can't make her want it for herself, I can only live my life that way.

I remember reading my friend Joy's blog and she wondered what people thought of her when they saw her running... This is Joy's Facebook Fan page, I would love if you took a moment to like her page, she is one of the people who has inspired me to finally get active.   I often wonder what people think of me when they see me walking/jogging (truthfully I don't care, I just wonder... I know I'm bettering myself).  When I see a bigger person out walking or jogging, I think wow..  good for them... I know the people who know me are very supportive of my getting healthy.

I know I said I would put up before and after pictures in January... it most likely won't be until April... after I visit my David.  I don't want him to see me until he sees me face to face.  I am already shocking people and it is not even 30 pounds yet... I can imagine what another 40 or pounds off will be like... how shocking that will be. 

My Cindy hadn't seen me for close to 3 weeks and her jaw dropped... I have lost the inches in the right places.  Six inches off my waist... four off my hips... four off each thigh... walking/jogging consistently is wonderful for shaping me up.  Eating extremely healthy is imperative too... I refuse to eat anything that will not help me to feel better. 

I cannot explain enough how dedicated I am to continuing on this path of being healthy... I'm so grateful for finally catching the vision... I'm focused and nothing will get me off the path, I am loving how great I feel and I'm incredibly grateful that I can walk as much as I do....
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Endeavor To Succeed

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I have been missing writing so much but it has been good for me to take the break, first thing... I got my house pretty well tidied up.  My babysitter, Valentina and I took everything of Valentina's out of the rest of the rooms and put it all in her room. Then her father came over on Saturday and they cleaned her room together.  It looks so much more liveable... however; I have to be on her every single day that she needs to take some time before she goes to bed and just straighten up a bit.  Eventually she will get the hang of it, I hope... otherwise I will have no voice from repeating myself over and over.  I need to keep it semi organized so that I will have people come help me pack once I find a new place to live.  It doesn't look like I will have anywhere to move in September... looking for October now.

That is okay with me as I am so busy with walking/biking/jogging until the end of this month. Did I just say until the end of the month... I am going to be continuing it long after the end of this month but I will allow more time at the end of this month for apartment hunting.  I want to win this contest and I have to give my all to it, that means exercising as much as I possibly can without causing any injuries. Believe me, if I feel like I have overdone it, I take a break and allow my legs to rest.  Today was one of those days, it is a civic holiday in Halifax, I slept in and allowed my legs to get as much rest as I could... then a friend of mine called me to see if I wanted to walk the annual bridge walk.  Once she asked I jumped at the chance.

I met up with her by her house and we walked downtown together and across the bridge.  I took a quick break to get some water and then we headed back over the bridge again.  Our bridge is not a straight one, it is one that ships are able to go under, as our harbor is a very busy one.  Lots of people were walking and running over the bridge, I felt great because of the rest I took for my legs and I passed many people who were walking, I wanted to really give myself a good workout today as it is day one for me to start training for my 5K.  I didn't run today as I am going to find a flat area to run on, which I think will be the Halifax Commons until I feel more comfortable with running.

I am working myself up to being able to walk/run the 5K in October, I want to have a pretty decent time... I will be timing myself over the next 8 weeks.  I know that once I actually do the run, I will be competitive, I am so tenacious that way.  I will run... that is why I want to really put a lot into this training. I already know I can walk a 5K as I have done this regularly... however; I want to be able to run some of it... So that definitely means really training.
Next I was able to talk with my David last week, we talked for nearly an hour and a half... it was good, really good.  I told him how I felt we had been drifting apart as friends the past six weeks or so and he agreed, I also told him I knew why... I knew he was seeing someone and that it was hard for him to talk with me without letting something slip and hurting me in the process... so it was easier for him not to talk to me.  He said yes, he felt like he had to be on guard... I told him that I wanted to be a big girl about this and that if he wanted to talk about her that I was going to deal with it... He didn't go into any detail but he admitted that it would be easier for us.  I also admitted that I still have feelings for him... as if he didn't already know that but that I understood he didn't have those feelings.

He won't be home for Christmas as he had planned, so I told him I will be visiting him in March or April... probably more like April.  He laughed and said there was nothing in Wainwright... I told him I wasn't going to see Wainwright, I was going to see him.  I told him when I had my tickets I would let him know and he agreed to pick me up in Edmonton... it is two and half hours each way to pick me up but he agreed that he would do this.  I need to see him, even if we are only friends... I need to be able to sit uninterrupted and talk... the way we did when he was home.  We literally sat for hours in the evening just talking about everything and anything.  Conversation with us never lacked... nothing lacked with us, everything was simple... nothing was complicated.

I am happy we talked, I needed to be able to tell him how important he was to me, even though I am sure he is well aware of it... although being friends is very difficult at times, I could never imagine it otherwise.  I have often thought over the past year and a half or so that I should end our friendship but deep down I know that would break my heart even more.  He is the one person I can tell anything to, he never judges me, he really listens.  I would do the same for him... so if it means being a big girl and hearing about whoever he might be dating at the time, I will handle that... he is my best friend and I honestly don't want to lose him.
I have missed all my blogs that I follow, I will be catching up slowly with all you... I will read them all but I may not comment on all of them.  I still have this contest to win, which by the way, I have now lost 26.2 pounds in 7 weeks, just 4 more weeks to the end of the contest.  I am really working hard, I am feeling stronger each day and I know that with each day that passes, I am going to succeed fully in whatever endeavors I put my efforts into...  This past 7 weeks has shown me that I am so much stronger than I thought I was and this past week has proven it even more. 
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future