I Like The View Of The Path I Am On

I have been having a rough road for the past 8 months, last week being one of the most rough ones, next to the first week or two right after... I had some times tougher than I have ever had.  I lost a great deal which was harder than I ever thought possible. The pain was greater than every other pain combined.

Then I started feeling a shift within myself the last few posts and how I could really feel so many people hoping, wishing, praying that I find happiness... joy... peace.  I realized with that many people wanting this for me, that I would be able to get through the dark tunnel I was in.  Lo and behold I have started coming out of it.

I know it took believing I could get through and honestly I didn't believe it for myself, not until the many, many heart felt comments that have either been emailed to me, placed on my blog, Twittered....  I could really feel that the good energy was out there, I am completely grateful for that ... I needed people to believe in me when I was having a hard time believing in myself.

It all changed on a dime and I can see that light now that alluded me for so long ... along the way though I lost touch with my very best friend. Also, I found out that although I had always been honest and open, that others I have known have not always been as open with me.  I know that I live my life with wild abandon and I have wonderful times... then it also flips to some of the hardest times... Although this last one was very long, almost unbearable, I feel like I might be able to say it was worth it for what I gained.
This last year I gained myself back, I had lost me.... not sure I had ever really known me.   Once I started to lose the weight, it also helped me to see things in a different light... I have written about this before but it needs to be said again, I learned to love myself where I was, I gained a confidence that I had never had before.  I know I still have some work to do with that but at least I am on the way.  If tonight is any indication to what is to come, I have to say I like the view of the path I am on... The light is starting to shine through ♥

(I won't be able to respond to everyone until Saturday, I have an activity planned tomorrow but I cannot wait to catch up with everyone...)
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The Lies We Tell Ourselves‏ Are The Worst Ones

I've been thinking about how wrong I was about so many things and so many people... I think it's why I don't want to trust myself anymore; because although people have lied to me over the years... the worst lies are the ones I've told myself.

I feel I was lied to... I feel betrayed... I don't know how I could feel less.  I asked the hard questions and I was told lies... lies to make me feel better at the time.  It would have been more merciful to be honest from the beginning.
Instead I paddled about holding on to the lies that were told to me... Everything was as it was and I believed the lies over the sad truth that was never told to me.  Now I'm paying the bigger price. Why did I believe the lies?  The words that were meant to make things better? ... not for me... they made things worse... just as lies always do.

I'm not looking for karma for anyone... I unfortunately believe that happens anyway.  I don't want to see the outcome of all the lies, it would actually make me sad to see anyone feel even a small part of my pain. I wish for peace ... I wish for honesty, even if it brings pain... because although honesty can bring sadness and pain... lies destroy us in a much bigger way.
I wanted so badly to lay everything out, I have the written words to prove I was told lies... I wanted to deflect the pain away but I knew that my returning the favor wouldn't bring me peace.  It wouldn't bring peace to anyone... there would just be more pain to deal with. I don't even need to hear that the words were lies... I know they were... I believed them all...  besides I have already forgiven the lies.  Always say the truth, even if you're afraid...Especially say the truth to yourself because the worst lies are the ones you tell yourself...
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You Can't Rewrite The Past That's Written

I was thinking about my next post and what I wanted to write, this phrase came to mind and no matter how many times I thought I want to write about something else, I kept coming back to this. You can't rewrite the past that's written... you can only move forward but that does not mean you should forget or try to change the past, it means you should learn from it and cherish most of it; for the past made us who we are today.

Why is this on my mind? This is a really tough week for me... it is my best friends birthday this week and I can't even wish him a happy birthday.  I think that is very sad and it didn't have to be that way... however; it is that way and nothing I say will change it.  So, although I cannot say it directly to him, I will be thinking of him and wishing him the best.  For I could wish nothing less than happiness and joy for him ... that would make me happy.
The phrase came to mind for a couple of reasons; one, I was told that I remembered things the way I wanted to... not true, I remember the way they were.  In the past I couldn't have said that because it is too easy to change our memories to how we want them to be... In this day and age though, it is easier to stay true to what was, since most of it is in writing. Two, I often wish I could change a key moment... although I know that is not possible either.  Instead I just have to move forward and remind myself that not everyone wants to remember the past the way it was... and leave it at that.

I have come to terms with my past and I am moving forward as I have been for quite some time... it was about a year ago that I knew my path was not the one I wanted to be on.  It was that realization that made me finally make the changes that I needed to make in my life, eating right and exercising; generally getting healthy. It was the best decision I ever made and stuck to in my whole life.
I also remember the day everything changed, one night everything was fun and laughter and within a matter of days it all changed... that was when I stopped sleeping through the night... and it took me a long time to center myself.  I still have days but I am moving forward as there is no where else to go and I refuse to be stuck... my life changed by 180 degrees and although I am not as happy as I wish, I know I will be again because there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... I just have to hold on.

Things change and people change, all of this can happen in a moment... but you can't rewrite the past that's written...
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Letting Go To Have The Life Waiting For Me

I know that many, if not all of you have heard the above quote at one time, in one form or another.  Today I heard this quote and it jolted me... I immediately went to the computer and pulled it up... The quotes and life lessons from Joseph Campbell are incredible and thought provoking.

One of the reasons I have had trouble moving on from 'him' was one, I love him with my whole heart and two, I feared what was out there for me.  I remember a woman in her 40's over twenty years ago that I knew who desperately wanted to be married. She finally met and married a man; however he looked like he was old enough to be her father.

I thought to myself at the time, wow... I don't want to get to my 40's being single and settling for a man who looked old enough to be my father... Then I heard that quote this morning and I was reminded that we all have a path we need to be on... That was her path and she was happy with her choice.
My path will lead to my hearts desires and it won't be some old guy who has no desire to live a little... I'm the girl that needs excitement and fun.  Also, just because I have let go of my past, it doesn't mean that it was wrong, it doesn't mean that it wasn't meant to be.  What it means is that I have to trust that some amazing man is looking out there... looking for someone as amazing as me.

If I don't know that I am amazing, how will any man know that.... my self esteem does not depend upon whether a man loves me or thinks I am amazing...  My self worth comes from within.... I do get a little defeated when I keep meeting men that have qualities that are so far removed from what I am desiring... but as my sister said to me this morning.. move on and say 'next'... and never settle.
I will never say it is easy moving on from a dream that you want and that you know would be wonderful... but I also know that not moving on is not an option for me.  If a man cannot see how wonderful and worthy I am, then it is his loss... truthfully it is his loss even more than mine.  I don't want to, nor will I settle for someone who would settle for so little in their life.

I don't believe in fairy tales  but I do believe in love... and deep down inside me that belief has held me together for the past eight months when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry non stop.  It was and is a rough road, however; I know I will rise above all of this one day and look back... I might even wonder why I almost settled for so much less then I deserved.
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Joy Will Burn Out The Pain

I thought I had an easy pass this weekend, I had written two blog posts last weekend before I came back.  The first one was the one I posted, the second one I went to post yesterday and of course I read through it first... I then thought better of publishing it, it is a little too raw, a little to much of me.. something I will share later.

Instead, I felt compelled to share this quote:  

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. ~ Joseph Campbell

This quote touched me because I have been feeling very little joy in my life, if I am being honest and I always am... I had begun to wonder if joy was something I would ever feel again.  I have happy moments, I have many blessings in my life but I had not felt joy for a very long time.  The kind of joy that takes your breath away... that quote made me remember that until I could find the small joys, I will never have the breath taking joys.

All of this came from reading what I had written and I wanted to share one small part of it.... I realized I had been waiting for something that was never going to happen, I was waiting for 'I'm sorry' ... and a light came on, where I learned that by waiting I was actually stuck.  I didn't like that feeling, that is not who I am, I have survived a lot of trials and challenges in my life that others have not...  I not only survived, I thrived and became better for each of those trials.

I have decided that I don't need to hear the words anymore, not that it wouldn't be nice to hear but it is not necessary anymore... I believe doing this will bring me some peace... this is somewhat like forgiveness, sometimes you have to forgive, just to free yourself... I have to let that idea go, if I am to free myself to feel joy again. 
I saw this final quote while searching out quotes on joy and it really cemented the first quote more.. The joy is inside us, for me, I just have to let myself see a small part and that small joy will burn out the pain. 

I took a step forward today, I made a commitment to myself in that I will take the steps I need to, so that I can feel the breathtaking joy I know exists.. I have to admit that it is a scary thought, because as wonderful as that joy is the flip side is pretty dark... I do believe it is worth trying though, otherwise in a year, I will still be in the same place that I am now and I am not going to let that happen... I lost the weight in less than a year, I will find that small joy... the one that will burn out the pain.
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/josephcamp384345.html#URD623LbJV2rosuC.99
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/josephcamp384345.html#URD623LbJV2rosuC.99
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/josephcamp384345.html#URD623LbJV2rosuC.9Joseph Camp
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I Want It All

I was on a blog break, I haven't written anything... I have been good and going to bed by 9:30 or 10:00 at the latest.  No I am not sleeping with less interruptions but I am resting my body as much as possible.

I have had a lot of time to think, which is both good and difficult.  I get to ask myself the really hard questions, one of them being that I may never know the answers I am seeking... I have such a hard time understanding how something could be one way and in a flash it changes 180 degrees... it's almost like time was erased.

I am trying to date again, I just don't understand where the good and kind men are.  I keep attracting men that are so the opposite of what I want. I had someone tell me recently that I have too many tests a guy would have to pass.  I don't think I am putting tests out there for anyone but I need to know that the guy can carry on a conversation about important and funny things.  I need to feel a spark, that is what is most important to me... it's not even that I think being in a committed relationship would complete me... I am complete all my by myself.
It is that I long for that close relationship with someone, the one where I can just be myself. I want that kind of person who I can tell them anything and they can feel comfortable doing the same with me.  Someone non-judgmental, someone who can understand that I have come through a great deal in my life and I have gone down roads that were not always good for me but I always turned myself around.

I have been thinking about how I never valued myself enough because every warning was there and I refused to see it because I didn't want to see it that way.  I wanted to be right, all the little hmm thoughts... they all make sense after the fact. I now know that I value myself because if a man cannot excite me with some good conversation and with a little humor thrown it, he will never make it past that stage.  I couldn't spend my life talking about mundane things that don't matter.
I sometimes think I want too much but then I think, I'm worth it.  I definitely don't deserve to have some guy who cannot connect a sentence together or talk about sports all the time. I am willing to bring everything to the table in a relationship, holding back is what makes it fail.  Both people have to come to the relationship with that frame of mind.  Relationships are tough, there are going to be times where you will wonder what you saw in that person but the good and funny times will get you through.

Today I would never settle for any relationship that I did in the past... I didn't raise the bar high enough.  I lowered it because I thought I couldn't do better... that has changed... now if I could just find that guy I can banter with... travel with... share my dreams with... Love... I want it all.
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