A Day To Reflect

When I blogged yesterday I was so sad and I had hurt feeling that I am sure what I wrote didn't come off sounding very nice. I just wear my heart on my sleeve and because I do, I end up feeling pain deeper than some people. I've had this day to think and reflect on what has happened in the past couple of weeks.

I have come to the conclusion that when that negativity entered my life in the form of an ex friend, I have not been able to shake the words they said to me. So I have made the words a reality because I gave them too much thought. I should have believed in what I knew then to give any thought to what I knew wasn't true.

So now I sit here and wonder if I can fix the mistakes or if it is all to far gone?  I guess I can only try! I just feel that I haven't been myself for the past two weeks or so, just too emotional for my liking. I guess we are entitled to a day like that from time to time. I do need to learn to not take things to heart so much so that I can just relax and enjoy life.

Valentina has been amazing lately, she is learning so many new things every day.  I can't believe how far her reading has come and her vocabulary. She talks a mile a minute, it can be over whelming at times, lol but I love listening to her chatter about her day at school and which boy she has a crush on.  She changes weekly sometime daily on who she likes. She is just so incredibly funny sometimes, I just love her so much and I feel so lucky to have her in my life.

Wondering Where I Went Wrong

I have had one of the worst weeks of my life for the past couple of years, I have come to a realization that I seem to make the worst choices, ones that never end up making me happy in the long run. I have no one else to blame for where I am but me. This makes me sad that I cannot trust myself or my intuition about people, for all my need to really figure people out, I understand them even less than I thought possible.

I think all of this comes from my insecurities, starting when I was a child when my step mother did all she could to break my spirit and then my ex husband finished off where she ended.  Hmm... makes me wonder why I let people destroy me?  The men I have chosen to love, only two, have disappointed me and made me re-think what my future holds.

I think the future holds me being alone, apparently I am not meant to have anyone truly love me and this makes me incredibly sad. It's the only thing I have ever really wanted, to feel wanted, needed and loved. I have never felt this in my life.  I have chased it and hoped for it, yet it has eluded me. Why is that the unimportant things come to me but what I want more then anything, never materializes.

Where did I go wrong, ever believing that since I am a kind, caring and loving person that I would ever have what I wanted and needed more than anything else. Also, just because I would never hurt another person does not mean that other people are beyond doing that to someone.  It doesn't matter how giving you are, as I have proven that; some people don't care, they just don't see how much some people give of themselves.

Thoughts About My Children

Words and phrases when I think of Andrea

Strong willed, strong testimony, basketball, good ears in the morning, neon colors, pony's and french braids, beautiful smile, stubborn, colored jeans, Jem, BET, rap, 80's music, curling irons, make-up, Sobey's, Superstore bakery, Internet, blogging, MSN, Paul, pictures, Super Nintendo, Math, Hurricane Juan and White Juan, bumble bee costume, Natasha, Melissa and Niki, theme birthday cakes, loving, fruit roll ups, cereal, turtle, mook

Words and phrases when I think of Valentina

Sweet, scooter, loving, baths, pool, bike, long hair, smiles, Do you still love me? I always love you., Zack and Cody, Calliou, tigers, jaguars, books, coloring, lip gloss, stuffed animals, DVR, yogurt drinks, gum, kind, thoughtful, skirts and dresses, snow, short curly hair, kitty cats, mixed colored socks, I want millllk

I am going to add to this too, I just want both my daughters to know that I think of them often and I have fantastic memories of them both.

Both for different reasons though, my oldest for actually growing up with me, she's my stubborn, head strong, always right daughter. I wouldn't have her any other way though, I've seen how much she can succeed because she is like that. She is living every little girls dream and I am so proud of her for that because she didn't settle. Sometimes we are just too close and we disagree too often, since we do it seems to put a rift in our relationship at times. I don't even know if she understands how sad it can make me when we have those misunderstandings or whatever she wants to call them.  I want to be close to her because she turned out to be a pretty amazing young woman. I love her no matter what, she is my first born and she survived growing up with a teenage mom and she actually thrived and did not become a statistic herself.  Being head strong has brought her very far.

My youngest I adore for her sweet nature, I needed that since I was 39 when I had her, I needed a calm girl by that time, lol... too old to deal with temper tantrums. Don't get me wrong, she can be a little head strong too but hers only last seconds.  I feel so blessed to have my youngest daughter with me, she keeps me grounded, not that I don't fly a little here and there but she always brings me down to earth again and I adore that about her. She can be a little insecure at times but it is totally understandable with everything she has gone through in her nearly 8 years of life.

I have two of the most amazing daughters, I consider myself very blessed and lucky <3

What I Honestly Need

This past week has been a complete eye opener for me, I am beginning to believe that I should be having counseling a couple of days a week.  Apparently seeing her 3 times a month isn't cutting it. I really need to find out why I make some of the choices I make, it's like I jump in blind with both feet and then I sit in the aftermath wondering how I got there?  I don't know even know what to think about the past week, it's been surreal and I just don't understand people or situations. Nothing makes sense anymore, it's like I almost can't believe anything I think or feel since I realize that I have sabotaged myself again and I truly believed in something.

I just never thought that I could be so wrong about something in my entire life.  Yes I married Andrey when everything around me told me not to but this is different, I didn't have the same opposition, it was almost opposite, so I believed and fought for what I was so sure of.  Now I wonder how I could be so wrong, why was I blind?  A month ago I would have been beyond crushed and sobbing but right now I am just perplexed and I can't even really feel. I think I am afraid to feel because what if I do and I finally cry, what if I can't stop?  I guess that is why I do all that I can do not to feel.

Unfortunately from the past I know that I will eventually have to deal with it, I am sure that will be a big thud and not pretty. Then I get to live with my regrets for what I did to cover the pain, we all do that, be it with watching too much TV, drinking, swearing... etc, either way, I am trying not to feel right now, hoping that it will be easier with time.

Honestly what I need is honesty.  Plain and simple, without it just leaves people always wondering.  I don't know what anyone would gain by not being honest.  I just need to get to a point that I have to let it all go and I don't want to do that, I feel too much right now and even though I am disappointed I don't want to just give up without working on it one more time, actually take the time to explain things, to make it clear.


Today was a truly rough day for me, I have had so much negativity around me the past couple of days.  Tonight I had a so called 'friend' of mine who felt the need to advise me I was obsessed and that I was letting people use me which I had already dealt with this issue with someone else that I am closer to on Friday.  Why do these people think I am obsessed when I just care about someone.

It's not like I let everything else in my life go, I think that I have balanced my life with work and raising Valentina.  So what if I care about someone and go out of my way to try to make their life better, isn't that what a true friend does, they don't just walk away in someones time of need. If I did, what kind of friend would I be? 

I know that I can be a little too focused when I want something or someone in my life but does that mean I am obsessed?  I just know that if I was in a bad way that I would hope that my friends would do the same things for me and they have been there for me. I don't pull them down when they have gone out of their way to help me.

I am the type of person that will go the extra mile for someone that I care about.  So when my so called 'friend' made it their mission in life to drag me down to their level of negativity, I had to make a decision about them and cut them out of my life. I cannot let anyone bring me to their level just because they cannot see the bigger picture.

I also know that I hurt someone very close to me and I truly feel bad for that but all I can say in my defence is that for the majority of my life, I haven't been all that happy and for the last couple of years I have been very happy. Is there something wrong with being happy?  I am hoping that they can forgive me, truly forgive me and understand that for once in my life I was being true to myself.

Love doesn't come with a manual, it doesn't tell you who or how you should love someone. Life just puts people and events into your path and we are just to deal with it the best way we know how. Up until a couple of years ago, I would have said there was no way that certain situations could ever work out but since I have found out different I realize that I was being very judgemental in the past and who am I to judge anyone else. I don't have the right to tell anyone how to live their lives or who they should love.

So, if caring about someone and wanting the best for them is being obsessed, then I am obsessed.  It's just too bad that I hurt someone close to me and that I lost a friend in the process but I have to be true to myself no matter the consequences because being true to me is all that I really have in this life.

Attempting To Focus

Lately I can't seem to focus, I try but my mind just wanders; I know it has a lot to do with how many things I have on the go.  I should be focusing much better this year, I don't think I could ask for a better year end at work, so much less stressful than the past two. Although talking on the phone can be boring at times, at least I don't have the pressure other people do.  

Yet I can't focus, well... that's not really true, I can focus, just not on what I need too.  Everyone says how happy I am, since I smile and laugh all the time, that is all due to one person.  All I have to do is think about them and it puts me in a fantastic mood.

Someone close to me made me feel awful today, they said I was thinking only of myself. This is not true, I think very little of myself, I am concerned for other people often. I am happy though and I was hoping they would be happy for me too... sadly not true.  I finally came to the realization that this was their issue, not mine. I have certainly given very much of me to them for many years and just because I want to actually  think about my own happiness, they feel I am selfish. 

So, tonight I have been sitting here thinking and realizing I may need to focus on a couple of things that will get me to where I want to be.  First and foremost I want to start reading and studying the book Women Food and God... I gained so much from it the last time.  Second I want to put more of myself into work by starting to take more courses that will help me to grow in my positon and thirdly I want to be happy with my decsions.  I want to know that I gave the best of myself and not have regrets.

I think the funniest thing of all is that my seven year old daughter doesn't think there is anything wrong with how happy I am and why, she is so kind and giving. When I cook food, she always asks, how much is for us and how much is for someone else. She has told me often that she is on my side and that she loves me. She is so wise beyond her years.  Other people who are adults focus on the negative and say I am too selfish, so funny that a seven year old can see more clearly than an adult.

Letting Go Of The Past To Have The Future I Deserve

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain.

The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?"

Mary Manin Morrissey

This thought make me really delve into my feelings... I guess I have been holding onto the past which has been holding me back from my future. I've never been one to release the hurt easily, I think I am okay and then boom, it is in my face again. The truth is that the past does not define me nor does it make me who I am today.  I have the ability to be better than what life has dished out to me in the past.  I think what I need to do is realize how far I have actually come in my life despite all the set backs life has offered me.

When I ponder it this way, it acutally makes me recongize how strong I really am. I know it's hard to always feel positive and uplifted when life keeps throwing curves at us but it seems it is the best way to deal with all the crazy ups and downs.

I also found out that I cannot be one of those people that is only out for herself, I tried it as I thought it might be fun to actually get my own way.  Then I realized that getting what I wanted at someone elses expense wasn't that great at all. How can other people be like that?  I could not live with myself if I were to take what I wanted and it made someone else sad or uncomfortable.

People certainly have not minded doing that to me but it doesn't make it right for me to do it when I know better. I am kind of disappointed that I even attempted to be like that, at least I got it together and changed it after I immediately felt bad.

Anyhow, this quote made me really think and I don't want anything holding me back from the future, least of all the past.