I read an inspirational quote today that made me think about why I keep repeating the same mistake over and over. Most things in my life, I seem to learn the lesson I need to and then move on to the next challenge but for one aspect of my life, I keep repeating the same mistake over and over. I keep wondering what is it that I am supposed to learn from this challenge so that I can move on.

I think because I want to be loved, needed and wanted so much that I become blind to what a person is really like.  I try to become what they want so that I can have them. Definitely not having much luck in that department, I guess I am afraid to be myself, thinking no one could possibly love the real me. The truth is that I am like everyone else, I just want someone to cuddle with, someone to talk to, someone who can love me.  I definitely don't want my ex step mother or my ex husband to be right, I want to prove them wrong. I am worth loving, worth being with.

When I care for someone, they are all that I can think of, I want to make them happy, I want to show them  how important they are to me.  Don't we all just want to be validated and know that we are worth loving?  Even though I am terrified to love someone else, I don't want to give up on love. I have a great deal to offer someone, I am honest, faithful, attentive and loving when I am in a relationship.

So excited that I am going to see my sister Darlene and my brother in law Tim tomorrow. Too bad it is only for the day but I can't wait to see them. I am going to spend the whole day downtown with them.  At least my whole weekend wasn't a waste, back to work Tuesday. I am going to get some sleep, it's been a long day today.

Fantasy and Reality

I wish somehow I could figure out how to make my fantasies become my reality?  Any ideas?  I am thinking I would do just about anything to have my fantasies become real. The thing that makes me the craziest is that I try not to think about it and then it's right there in my face.  Why?  why can I not keep my mind free of what I can't stop thinking about.

Today was scary, I was relaxing, taking a break at work and the phone rang and it was the police telling me that someone had called 911 from my home. No one was home, so I got home and then my back door was unlocked. I finally ended up finding the courage to come into my house and search all the closets and rooms. Thankfully no one was here. I thought it might have been my ex, he would love to get back at me some way.

This incident just brought up so much fear that I had, I was sure that I had come through that but I realized it was only buried. I can't stand that he has that kind of power over me, I really need to make sure he is out of my life for good.  Not sure how I will do that though :( 

Fear is not a great thing to live with, it controls me and I really don't want things to control me. I have to stand up to it and face it head on, I think not knowing makes it worse than it really is. Sometimes the thought is more scary than the truth.

I am going to bed, I have a busy weekend and Monday my sister will be here. I am so excited to see her, it's too bad we live so far away from each other but I do love how close we are as sisters. Off to dream land to think about my fantasies and how to make them my reality ;)

One Track Thought

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed lately, there is so much on my plate that sometimes I wonder how I will manage. Instead of dealing with all my issues I am just focusing on one thing.  I guess I have a one track thought as it is easier, my real problems are so much harder to fix. Also, I am trying not to stress over all the things I have no control over but that is difficult.

I wish I could just make one thing work in my life right now, so that I didn't always feel so hopeless.  Because yes, on the outside I look like everything is fine, I get to work everyday (I sure don't feel like it), I keep up the house so that it doesn't get out of control, I smile and laugh a lot but inside I am unbelievably out of control.  I cry on the way to work some days, I cry in my cubicle, I often wonder how I put on a face to make it look like everything is okay when it's not.

Do I know how lucky and wonderful my life is, yes.  That doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it just means that I am fully aware that I do have great things. It's just so hard when I feel so empty and I don't know why. I really think that when someone lives their life with one dream, idea, thought and it never seems to come to pass, that it can break a persons spirit. I just don't understand why I have not been able to attain it. What do I need to do, say, think, feel... whatever it is I would do it.

I really need to get more rest and I need to figure out how to not let the disappoints break me down. How to do this is probably one of the most difficult things I have had to overcome and honestly I have had to overcome a great deal of things. From surviving a fire as a toddler and the aftermath of it, of having to deal with a step mother who belittled me and made my younger life so painful and then finally getting married to only find out that I had ended up in a bigger hell than I thought possible. I keep coming through these things over and over but lately it is getting more and more difficult.  Everyone needs to feel wanted, needed and loved, I haven't felt that for a long time.

Thinking about how I'd feel tomorrow

I have been thinking about things I have done to try to make myself feel better sometimes and it never does.  An example is drinking, sure I feel great getting tipsy but you pay the price the next day with a hangover, I have come to learn that it just isn't worth it.  Now if I could move that thought into other areas of my life.

I feel like I want to be more authentic, even though it is difficult to always live that way.  Sometimes I think if people really knew me, the inside of me that I don't share with everyone, I wonder if they would still like me.  Lately I don't care as much what people think, I just have to be me regardless as long as I am not hurting anyone.

I ate really well today, keeping up the healthy food;)  I also actually cooked last night, I made some great spaghetti sauce.  I think I will make some chicken soup tomorrow, I just love homemade chicken noodle soup and it's so good for you too.  I think I will go put it in the slow cooker. Plus it's getting cold outside and it's so nice to have hot soup to eat after a long day at work.

Well off to bed, I have had a very long full day and another one tomorrow, leaving at 7 am in the morning and I won't be home until 7 pm.  I definitely need to get some sleep to get through my busy day tomorrow.

How Do I Change?

How am I supposed to change my feelings?  I would love to know how people just turn them off and on at will. I have never been like that, when I care about someone, they are the person I think about, the person I want to be with. I don't even want to look at anyone else. I just wish I could be more like other people, the one's that can feel when they want to.

I've been thinking about when I was a child and how I had dreams and fantasies of what my life would be like and never did I think I would be a single mom twice and that I would end up being alone. I know that the way my life is now does not mean that it will be the way my life will be in the future but it's so hard to see around that bend in the road.

I just don't know how to give a peice of my heart, I only know how to give it all.  Giving it all hurts so much though, especially when it's not returned.  I've always believed that if I loved someone enough that it would be more than enough to make it work but that's not true.  Instead, I am alone and very sad lately.

I want so much to love someone and to share my life with them but they have to feel the same way and lately I just feel like it is such a far off dream. Staying positive all the time is difficult, especially when things stay the same all the time. Why did most people have to be right when I was younger, why could I not get past what I was told for so much of my life?  Words do really hurt more than anything else.

One good thing, I have lost at least 10 pounds, maybe more.  I will see the doctor in October and I hope another 10 pounds will be gone by then.  At least I am on the right track when it comes to my weight and I like how I have been feeling. Sure I have more to lose but I am eating when I am hungry and I am thinking more about what I eat and why then just eating whatever. I am so glad I found the book 'Women, Food and God', it changed how I thought about food and how I thought about my body and me. I used to think I had no control but I do, I have all the control.


Well, I was tired when I went to bed at 11:00 pm but here I am wide awake after an hour and a half. I am starting to wonder if we really need as much sleep as we are advised. Then again, it is really hard to function at work sometimes when I have had very little rest. When I had insomnia years ago, I would fight it and stay in bed trying so hard to go to sleep, now... I just give in, get up and do something relaxing to see if it will help me to actually fall asleep.

Of course I had no problem sleeping when I was on vacation but then boom, back to work and now I can't sleep. I know it is many things that are contributing and I just wish I could turn my mind off the way I can turn my blackberry off.  Still, my mind wanders. 

Today has just been stressful, first day back after five days, busy at work, a ton of cases and then coming home to find out my little Valentina is going to have to spend too much time at the dentist getting fillings. Plus lack of money and worrying about how I will catch up, I should know better though, money is something I shouldn't worry about... everything always works out ultimately. However; I do need to be more careful about how I spend it and be a little more conscious.

Also, no matter how much effort I try to focus my mind on other things, the same thing keeps coming back to me. I could be sitting at work, minding my own business; thinking about what a client needs done then wham... there's the name and then I am lost in thought and wondering how I got to this point again?  I somehow wish the name was not all that common. I can bet my name is not thought of nearly enough since it is not at all common. I do love my name though, it is unique and pretty.

I sometimes think if I had what I wanted than it would change things in a good way but I also know that if I am to have what I want, I have to be happy with where I am right now. That has been my whole problem, I have never been truly happy where I am.  I guess when I learn that I will have my hearts desire.

I have come so far from where I started, I am grateful for that.  I started raising my oldest daughter when I was just 18 years old. I went to school, took night courses, worked part time jobs for years, even working two jobs at once for three years until I finally had to settle down and raise Valentina.  I finally ended up with a pretty good job a few years ago which then helped me get the job I have now. I just need to learn to live within my means.

Well, I am finally feeling tired, off to bed to hopefully get some sleep and if I dream, I hope they don't keep me awake. At least tomorrow is Friday then I am off for 2 days, thank goodness for short weeks, love them<3

Awake and Thinking

Awake early on my day off, just thinking. I have actually slept for the last couple of nights, the cool night air helps a lot. My mind races a lot though, even when I am sleeping, I need to figure out a way to turn it off or I will never get another rested night. I try so hard to just drift off to sleep without thinking about certain things and yet I dream about it:( How do I make my mind have patience? I guess if I figure that out, I will be able to sleep.

I was thinking how everyone says they are not a game player but then they play games. I know we all do it to a degree but most people try not to hurt another person, then there are huge game players that actually have an agenda to see you hurt. For whatever reason, it's a turn on to them. For me, hurting another person does not bring me joy or happiness. I only want to make people that I care about feel better, feel loved and I don't understand why other people find joy in hurting another person.

Sometimes for a moment, I am not always sure about what I want, it's only because it is not going to be easy to make it happen. Because it will take a little longer, it's hard to stay positive every moment. Most days I succeed and so I guess they out weigh the days that are harder to believe. It has taken me a long time to get to the point that I am at where I finally believe that I deserve what I want.

Well, I have busy day ahead of me, too bad I just couldn't relax all day, then back to work tomorrow. At least it is a short week then off for two more days;)

Living without power, internet and what I want more than anything ;)

What a crazy weekend, between the tropical storm and lack of power for 24 hours. I realize more now than ever that I NEVER would have survived in the era of no power. I don't even want to know how people survived it.

I missed blogging so much, my computer was out of commission for 5 days, I wanted to be able to blog and I couldn't, way to hard on a Blackberry :(  Thankfully Eastlink only had my modem number mixed up, all fixed now... of course the guy who came from Eastlink to fix my cable had to have that name.  Jeez, no matter how hard I try not to think about him, there he is.

When did I let this happen to myself, when did I let myself feel again. I thought I was smarter than that, haven't I had enough disappointment when it comes to men?  Apparently not, instead I let myself feel way more than I should have. I am just not one of those people that cares half way, I either care completely or I don't care at all.

My councillor wants to know why I choose men that are emotionally unavailable to me?  I don't even have an answer for that!  I spent or should I say I wasted 23 years of my life loving one guy who I was sure was the love of my life but he proved he was never worth my time. He let me down in my greatest time of need and I was lost for a very long time. Then I met someone that I honestly never thought that I could care about but the more that I knew him, the more that I cared.  I just want to be there for him, show him that he is so worth it. I just wish he knew what I knew.

So, I've been eating really well for the past 5 months, longer than I ever have in my life and I am loving it, what I really need to do now is exercise... I am really hoping that I will be 9-5 at my job by the end of this month than I can start working out after work for at least 45 minutes. Then I can really start seeing a difference in my weight. I have seen some change but I really have to put in the effort to see the big changes. I am looking forward to being the best me that I can be.

Getting back on track is never easy but it has really been worth it, now to just get my emotional life where I want it to be, with who I want.  Once again, I have to be patient, nothing good happens quickly, somethings take time. Unfortunately patience isn't one of my strong suits, I always try to rush it and it never works out when I do that. So hard to change but not impossible.