Well this weekend turned out to be much better than I had anticipated, just when I thought I had another dull weekend, surprise. Oh, what a nice surprise too. Now I am hoping I won't have to wait so long in between being surprised again.

I have a busy week coming up at work but at least I will start it off on the right foot, in a fantastic mood. I am going to relax as much as I can this year end, I don't want to get all stressed out like I normally do. If I do, I need to find a better way to relieve the stress than I have in the past couple of years.

I realized this weekend that I want to downsize even more, I have much more than I thought. When I have too much my house gets out of control and I really don't like that. I like when my house is in order, so purging here I come. I have another plan or goal and to attain that I have to purge and organize.

I just can't believe how happy I am at this moment, I am trying to enjoy every minute of it.  Sometimes I wish this feeling could last forever but I guess if it did we wouldn't appreciate it so much. Unfortunately it seems like we have to have the down times to enjoy the up times more. I am thinking that this is where we need to change things, we need to be happy where we are, easier said than done.

I feel so lucky and blessed to be where I am in my life right now, just enjoying myself and not taking life too seriously. I have a lot to be grateful for and this weekend was just icing on the cake.

Waiting on Pins and Needles

I've had a pretty good week so far, just when I am beginning to think maybe somethings are not going to happen, things change on a dime.  Now I just have to wait and be patient, instead I am on pins and needles.  I am so terrible about waiting for what I want but I am trying to change that.

My mind has been on over load for the past couple of days, it's made it hard to focus. I have been thinking a lot about how I have come to where I am in my life. What a journey I have had, being in my forties have been enlightening. All the things I believed in so strongly when I was younger have been challenged in the past couple of years. It is good to rethink your ideas sometimes though, we never want to be rigid.

The thing I want so much to work on is my self esteem. I don't have an issue with meeting new people and I can carry on a conversation easily with just about anyone.  I just want to believe I am good enough and deserve to be happy with someone. A big part of me has a difficult time with this, especially when every time I think it will work out, it hasn't.

What the future holds, none of us really know but I am looking forward to it. Change can be good even when it is scary, the bigger the change the better the reward. So I am just waiting as patiently as I can for the next change in my life.

Relying On Myself

Well having five days off did not get me back on track, I have come to rely on other people too much. Instead of just doing things myself, I wait around for people to help and that usually leaves me disappointed and then nothing gets done. Sometimes I feel like people don't really care what you do for them, as long as you do it but these people never want to return the favor. I have come to a conclusion, I just need to stop giving of myself as people are not appreciative.

I realized this weekend that I want more than I have been accepting lately, I thought I could find what I need in my life and I am only finding how empty I feel when I continue to choose what I think I want to only find out that it leaves me feeling more alone. This is my way of handling the disappointments in my life, I keep trying something new... it never seems to help.  I need to be honest and true to myself and never give up on what I believe in.

My councillor and my oldest daughter want to know why I have the need to take care of people that I care about, where I want to make things better for the, make them happy. I know I cannot make things better for anyone else but I keep trying, they have to want to make things better for themselves. Even though I know this rationally, I never stop wanting to figure out how to give people what they need. 

I don't know when I let myself stop relying on me, probably when I let me ex into my life in 2000.  Up until then I looked after myself , I allowed him to take away my identity.  I thought when I finally got myself together and got him out of my life that I would gain back control.  Instead I have allowed myself to believe everything he ever said to me, why do I do this, why am I not strong enough?  Words can hurt so much, more than most people really know.

I also have to write a letter to the ex love of my life, to tell him how he disappointed and hurt me more than anyone else in my life. Mainly because I expected so much more from him and he just walked away and left me to deal with the aftermath of what happened. Not before putting the blame on me for what happened when no woman should ever be made to feel like that. I thought it would be easy to write what I felt, it's a lot harder than I ever believed. Not that I even want him to acknowledged it, I just need him to know... I want him feel what I felt when he just walked out of life just like that. He probably doesn't even care, even though we have known each other for over 24 years.

I really think I have a hard time relying on myself anymore because of the terrible decisions I made when it came to being with my ex and then marrying him, even though my small voice told me it was a mistake. I don't trust that I can make the right decision, if I could, I wouldn't have made the many mistakes I have made when it came to him.

I somehow wish that I could get through this challenge and come out of it stronger than I have ever been. It's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I try to keep it positive but it's not very easy.  One day, hopefully in the very near future I will have made it through this and have what I have always wanted. 

17 Pounds Down and Counting

So, I finally got to the doctor to get weighed, 17 pounds gone, still working on more. It is slower than it used to be, I used to be able to drop 10 pounds the first week and then 3 or 4 a week after that. Anyhow, I came home and had a weekend of eating whatever I wanted, not sure why I did that. It's like sabataging myself but I am getting back on track tomorrow, in more ways than one.

I also had a pretty interesting weekend, not exactly what I had hoped for but all in all not terrible. I think too much sometimes, I want to just say how I feel but I am so damned afraid of rejection.  It's a terrible feeling to have, putting yourself out there to possibly get hurt. Even so, sometimes I think it would be worth it to at least say how I feel and just get it over.

What's the worst thing that can happen?  You won't talk to me ever again, well... you don't really talk to me now, you will never see me again, I don't see you now. I am pretty sure I am tired of living in fear and always trying to cover it with whatever can help me to cope. Coping isn't living, it is just getting by and that is not a way to live. So, I am going to do something about it, take a chance and then move on one way or the other.  Being in limbo is not all that great.

I have pretty well wasted the last three days, just sleeping and being lazy, now I have a ton of housework to keep me busy for the next couple of days.  Thank goodness I have a short week next week and extremely happy to be on the 9:30-5:30 now, not so worried if I miss the shuttle now. This year end is looking like it might shape up to be a much easier one that the past ones. Even though I am nervous about losing what I know, I am kind of happy not to be doing projects.  It is one less thing for me to stress about.

Anyhow, I am thinking of you and finding it hard to sleep, what else is new. This is par for the course for me, constantly being bombarded with thoughts of you.  Sometimes it's overwhelming but I am pretty sure I wouldn't change how I feel, at least I feel alive and not like some older women I know that seemed to have given up. I don't want to give up on passion or love.

I just want to understand

I just don't understand somethings, I am not sure that I ever will. Some people drive me crazy, with all their indecision.  I'm the kind of woman that needs to lay it on the table and just say it how it is, unfortunately that is not how all people are and with some people you just can't handle them like that. That makes me wonder why I allow myself to be drawn in over and over.

I am wondering what the pay off is, everyone always says that there has to be some sort of pay off or we wouldn't continue to do the things we do.  So, what is my pay off, I guess that if I figure that out, that is when I will be able to close that chapter on my life.  I just felt a chill when I thought about closing that chapter, not quite sure why, maybe I am not ready to close it yet.

I want to believe that if I continue to believe that I will have what I desire the most. Sometimes it is so hard to always believe when you just don't know what all in is involved. Anyhow, I am happy that I am having 2 short weeks in a rowat work, I really need those 5 days off.  I plan to have one night on my own, maybe go out for a bit.

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all

I have been thinking a lot today, thinking of the saying or poem "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all".  Although the losing part is difficult the loving is always worth it.  I have only ever loved one man and came close a second time.  Each time it has been so worth it even if they haven't lasted. I am no longer trying to find the 'one', I think there is more than one person for each of us. I know this as although I thought it would be near impossible for me to ever care for another man as much as I cared for the man that I loved when I was 23. I did come to care for someone else almost as much, sometimes I think I could have cared more if given the chance.

I have come to see that I have been sabotaging myself this past few days, I have been eating so well and seeing results. At least I recognize that I have been doing that, I want much more for myself.  I see the doctor on Friday and I am hoping for the good news of losing at least 20 pounds.  I can't wait to even drop more, I just need to focus and continue to listen to my body and it will happen.

I was talking to a friend of mine today about how I feel like I have accepted less than what I have deserved in the past year when what I really want is everything. I did however; come to a conclusion today that I am no longer trying to find the love of my life to spend my life with.  I am now looking for something even if it doesn't last forever. Because it is worth having love than never having it at all.

I am also thinking about how I want to make more changes in my life that will draw the things that I want into my life. So tired of having other things control me, I want to be the one to control my life. All of the changes I want to make are possible and they will all help me to be a better mama, a better sister, a better friend and a better worker.  All of this will help me to draw to me what I have always wanted and desired.