Me Before And After

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I promised myself that once I had lost enough weight that I noticed it... not someone else.. me...that I would do a blog post of my before and after.  I had many people coming up to me in the past while talking about how much weight I had lost.  They were right, it was a lot... To date, I have lost 53 pounds in 15 weeks... I will tell you this, last week when I had to deal with one of the most devastating things I have dealt with, I lost a little more weight than I should have... that happens when I don't eat properly, I don't sleep very much, I have actually had this happen to me in the past; when I have had very difficult circumstances in my life.  I will say this only once and I will then leave it in the past, last Monday was an extremely hard and sad day for me, harder than any other day I have ever had to deal with...

I am going forward though, it isn't going to be easy... each day is hard, really hard... the kind where I want to pull the blanket up over my head and say forget it, I am done... I just don't want to do this anymore... but everything is telling me that it isn't done... this is a blip... this is just a plot twist... What I mean is that when I took the time to sit down, really talk this over with a very good friend (no not my David... he is very busy still healing, he needs all his energy for that) but another friend who is very understanding as well... she opened my eyes and reminded me that everything is not as it seems just because it is on the surface... Monday is similar to a plot twist in a movie, unfortunately it is in my life and if I can remember that, that is all that it is... that truthfully, when it is all said and done, everything will be as it should be.  Some things were meant to be and somethings were meant to be tested to see how much we really want them.

Anyhow I decided that today was the day that I would share my before and after... I can see it, I can see the change... With this, it has only spurred me on to continue on this path... I feel like I am finally accomplishing what I have always said I wanted to but never did anything about.  Finally I am putting me first... One of my favorite bloggers is going to do a post about me and I am truly honored that she would want to... so for my post I am not going into any great detail as I know she will want to write about that side of it... I am just here to say that since I can see it, I wanted to finally share it... I still have a ways to go but I will get there, I am committed 100%, if I take a day, I get right back... I am motivated beyond what I ever thought possible when I started my journey. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

Deal With It I Will

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I just have to write a quick follow up... it is late and I haven't slept, really slept for days... still just getting an hour here and there... I just wanted to let everyone know I was feeling a little bit better.  Not awesome but definitely better.  I saw my doctor and she has given me sleeping pills which I will take a half of one later this week... I took a full one almost 4 years ago and I slept until past noon that time, so I am a little leery of taking any.  I will test it out over the weekend to make sure I can wake up in time.

Next I broke the 15 minute mile tonight, I can give a great deal of thanks to a friend who ticked me off and I went out there and walked so fast to blow some steam off. I felt like I was speeding... I have a new goal, I want to get under a 14.30 mile.  Maybe that friend can really tick me off, lol.  I am still not going to talk about what devastated me the other day, it is still there, I still have to deal with it, the reason it was so difficult for me was because I was side swiped with it... maybe if I had known anything and not just have it thrown at me the way it was I would have handled it a whole lot better... Anyhow, that is neither here nor there, regardless, I have to deal with it and deal with it I will.
I can't promise I won't be sad in the future, I can't promise I won't cry but I will get through this... not sure how, like walking that track at the gym, I am going to have to dig deep, deeper than I have ever gone before. It is not going to be easy but I have no choice.  Well, I have a choice but the second option is so much worse than even the incident... so I will get through somehow.  Ultimately people are important, incidents are just that, incidents and I can forgive...

Finally I just wanted to write a funny story, I have told you all about how competitive I am ... well, let me tell you about a funny story.  About two weeks ago I was walking and at a pretty good clip when I caught someone out of the corner of my eye, looking like they were trying to pass me.  I don't like to be passed, so I just sped up and I kept seeing someone out of the corner of my eye speeding up with me. I was getting a bit frustrated as I was not sure I could keep that speed up for much longer.  Finally I glanced to the side, there was no one there... get this... it was my shadow... lol

I told you I was competitive... but whoa... racing my shadow... too much.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

I'm Hoping I Left Some Of It Here

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am not even sure what I want to write or if I should write... I haven't slept for a couple of days, other than an hour or so at a time... even when I took the opportunity to nap in the day over the weekend, it was only an hour here and there.  Tonight, no matter what I do, sleep eludes me... unfortunately for reasons I can't talk about, reasons I feel like I have no one to talk with...  I don't ever think I have felt this lonely and alone in my life. How did I get to this place in my life where I have no one, no one because I feel I would be judged.

Only my David and he is busy as well as healing... he never judges me, why can't more people be like that? I feel so frustrated that I could scream and I know I can't because that would not solve anything... I feel sad and nothing I do is making the sadness go away... I feel angry and I don't want to feel this way.  Truthfully a huge part of me wants to do anything I can so that I don't have to feel the way I am feeling right now... so many silly ideas ran around in my head all day long...  Not one of them were viable... as in the end, none of them would make me happy, none of them would take the pain away.
It would still be there, how would that solve anything?... I guess I have to walk through the pain, no matter hard it is, no matter how sad it is... I want to make it to the other side... In the past I avoided walking through the pain... I did everything and anything so that I never had to feel it... What did it accomplish?  Nothing... the pain was still there... I am just so afraid that I will walk through the pain and it will still be there, then what do I do?

I walked tonight, I really walked fast on the track... I kept going around and around the track, hoping I would tire myself out so that I wouldn't have to think... I sat down after forty some minutes and the sweat literally rolled off me and dripped everywhere, it stung my eyes, my pony tail was soaked against my back, every article of clothing I had on was stuck to me.  I just sat there... and then the tears came, the ones I had been trying to hold back.  No one knew, it looked like I was sweating ... I didn't care.  I felt empty and yet the tears continued and pain didn't cease.

Now I can't sleep and the tears won't stop ... the only good thing is that I have not fallen back into old patterns... I didn't breakdown and eat everything, I walked... I did two good things and it is still the same... But because they are the same, it showed me that falling into old patterns never solved the pain, maybe with my new pattern... eventually I will walk through the pain to the other side.
My whole life is flipped upside down... I'm not complaining, everyone has that from time to time... it is apart of living.  Just as I say and believe, it isn't the amount of challenges we get through, it is how we get through them... I want to get through this one in the best way possible.  So many times today I wanted to lay on the floor in a fetal position and just cry until there was nothing left inside but honestly this pain will not be cried out in a day... it will take a lot of time. It's probably one of the most difficult days of my life and I thought the day that David told me we were not going to make it was the hardest day.

This was much worse, I cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly sad I am and how much pain I am feeling.  There are not enough words to adequately explain what I am feeling.  I am sure people have felt more than I have had to deal with today... but I can tell you this... I would take back all the pain I have had in the past and trade this day away.  I was burned in a fire that I have to live with everyday... it changed my family and I have been physically and emotionally abused as a child for many years, I was degraded and emotionally abused in my marriage and then finally raped by Andrey,

I would take back every single one of those if I could trade today away but of course I can't... this is one of those defining moments in my life, the kind that will ultimately break me or make me so strong that I will not even believe it is possible.  I know how tough this is to read, believe I know... I wrote it, it was and is inside me... I wrote tonight in hopes that I could leave some of it somewhere, other than inside my heart and head... Maybe I could sleep for an hour or two... I'm hoping....
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

No One To Say Them To

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Lost without the words
Even if I had them to say
No one to say them to

At least no one that wouldn't judge
Since it is too easy to say
Say without thinking

Compassion is what is needed
Not I knew
Not you should have known

That is judging
That is not love
Or compassion

What did I learn?
Not to judge, just be there
Give only love

Instead, I am lost without the words
Even if I had them to say
No one to say them to...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

Loss Versus Gain

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

When I feel the need to write, I rarely come up with the title of the post first but today as I was logging in to start reading the blogs I follow... I suddenly thought I need to write about loss versus gains.  As of yesterday, it has been 14 weeks since I started my journey of investing and believing in myself and to date I have lost lost 45 pounds.  I know some people fear it is a lot of weight to lose in a short amount of time, however; people really shouldn't worry, I keep in close contact with my doctor.   There were many times over the years that I would join Weight Watchers and in six months I would lose 60 pounds, just from eating healthy... this time I am using Fitness Pal which is my Weight Watchers without the cost.  I just need to be accountable somewhere about my food... this helps me to be successful.

The difference with the losses I have had in the past is that I never incorporated exercise into the mix... and not just exercising once or twice a week, I mean exercising four to six times per week.  Especially since I am 50 years old, I really had to drastically change my life... the weight was not going to come off by just eating a little better and exercising once or twice a week... I had to change my life totally... a complete 180 degree turn.  I know, everyone is saying, isn't that difficult?  You bet it was, this change has probably been one of the biggest and hardest changes in my life but I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it feels to take control of your own life.  Also, I am diversifying with my walking by starting up Zumba and Yoga eventually (once my knees can handle holding the poses).
I started at the Canada Games Center last night... it was great once I got into it.. first I had to sign up, pay, get my picture taken (eww), which cut into my exercise time.  Then we finally got into get changed, I had brought the wrong exercise pants (I picked up Valentina's by mistake... we both have black leggings and of course I do not fit into hers...)  Then I thought oh well, I will just walk in my jeans...  I then went to lock everything up and the lock I had bought was too big and would not fit.  I became frustrated and thought forget this... I took all of our items out and decided to sit outside the pool to wait for Valentina.  Someone at the front desk noticed I was frustrated and took the time to find out why, they advised I could borrow one of their locks for the evening.  So, off I went walking... it was beyond hot on the track and much different than I am used to from walking outside. I will remember my exercise pants in the future... I flew around the track, lap after lap, listening to music... thinking about somethings that have had my mind in a tizzy lately.

I have to say 30 minutes on the track felt like an hour long walk outside, I am going to have to dig deeper than I have ever dug in my life to make my gym experience successful.  When I am walking outside, I just walk a fair distance from my house and I have no choice but to walk back to it... there is no stopping in the middle.  If I want to get home, I have to walk home... with the track, I have to force myself to keep doing laps, I need to find something deep inside myself that won't allow myself to give up... just because I hit 30 minutes.  I know I can walk for 50 or 60 minutes, I have done this regularly and I have done it quite quickly... My 5K is coming up in a couple of weekends and I really need to make sure I am waking a 5K regularly so that I will do well when I participate.

So, loss versus gain, after talking with my David last night, this came to mind... I have lost a great deal of weight and I have gained a great deal of confidence.  I told my David last night that he lost a great deal by losing me, I put a little hehe after it but I was very serious.  He agreed but I don't think he realizes how much he has lost... one day it will come to him.  We talked about how close we are, how much we laugh together, how we can say anything to each other, how nothing is off limits. I also brought up the fact that it had been really hard and painful to get to this point in our relationship, how sometimes I felt it might not be worth it but that today I was grateful that we had made it through.  He said that is what friends do for each other... then I said to him, I don't think you understand that most people who date as intensely as we dated, make it back to the friendship stage.  However; I did tell him that I was grateful that we were different and special enough to each other that we didn't give up.
For there were many times over the past year and a half that I thought I just couldn't do it... luckily we do love each other, not in the same way... but there is definite love between us and there is total respect.  No one gets me like he does ... neither one of us trusts anyone as much as we trust each other.  I think of us as soul mates, we are like each others second halves... it's not that we are not whole on our own because I think we are, we just compliment each other, we understand and get each other. I just needed to learn my worth to realize that although I lost David romantically... he lost much more by letting me go.  I have come to that point in my life where I have gained so much confidence that I won't settle, just to be with someone... I don't feel it is worth it just to date someone.  Some guy would have to come along and be so special and prove that he was worth taking a chance on... there are not many of those guys around the older I get.... Oh well, I am not worried about it, it just isn't important anymore.

I have lost a great deal of weight but truthfully I have gained more than I ever thought I would with finally believing my worth.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

Taking Time For Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I know it has been sometime, I have been taking time for me, first and foremost I have not had a panic attack since Saturday night, I am hoping they are behind me... I really think a lot of it had to do with worrying about my David and lack of sleep... David seems to be getting a little better everyday and I have been getting to bed at a ridiculously early time the past few nights... yesterday my head hit the pillow by 8:30 pm.  With all this going on, I have not been exercising as much as I like, I am getting back to that tomorrow and then I am officially joining The Canada Games Center on Friday, I am beyond thrilled about that.  I went up for the official tour with Valentina on Monday and I fell in love with the place.  It has every imaginable activity for me to get involved with... I love the walking/running track and I can take Zumba twice a week for sure, maybe even more... Valentina is especially thrilled about being able to swim so much.

Also, I have been trying to catch up on all the blogs I follow and that has been no easy feat to say the least. Some of the blogs I follow didn't get comments, especially if there was more than one entry, due to the fact that I would never be able to catch up otherwise but I did read everyone's posts.  I wanted to comment as I am the girl who LOVES to comment... I like people to know I was there, reading it and how they touched me.  However; I will have to give myself a break and understand it is not always possible to comment on every single post that is written, I do have to work and be a mama as well. I hope you all understand and I will try not to let them build up again, life takes over occasionally.
So, today I decided to wear a dress to work, I rarely do that, mainly because I walk a fair distance usually and I don't like being all dressed up and sweaty... today I took the bus.  I was pleasantly surprised by all the comments if not slightly embarrassed.  I do like to look nice but because I exercise so much I rarely do anything more than put a pony tail in my hair and apply a little lipstick... which never stays on for long.  Once I am going to the center every evening, I have decided that I am going to take the bus in the morning so that I can do my hair, wear a little make up, and besides I will be carrying all my gym items as I plan to stay on the bus after work and go out there directly every night.

This way both Valentina and I will get to exercise together and I won't be taking more time away from her... I will be able to relax a little more in the morning and not run out the door at 6:15 am.  I am looking forward to having a little more time where I am not feeling so rushed.  Besides winter is just around the corner and I want to make sure that she and I are in a good groove when the bad weather hits.  I still plan to walk a little here and there, especially as long as the streets are clear of snow and ice but I won't be at the mercy of the weather anymore and that will be wonderful.
I have to say something, I am getting the most confusing and mixed up messages that I have ever had in my life. Lately all I have been doing is trying to decipher what is going on, it is like hot and cold... have you ever been in that situation?  I sometimes have no idea if I am coming or going, not sure which is up or which is down? The answer lies in asking some questions, getting some clarity but how do I get that when I am not the one that can give the answers and the answers don't seem to be forthcoming?  It's almost as if the confusion lies with them too... All I know is my head is spinning and frankly I will need to focus on myself for awhile... Hopefully this situation will resolve itself in time.... I know it will eventually, this can only go on for so long before I end up taking matters into my own hands and requesting some real answers... The kind that skirting around them won't work eventually...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

Panic Attacks?

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I'm not sure what is wrong... I have had three panic attacks in less than a week.. I might have had three panic attacks in my whole life before that...

The first one came on the day of David's surgery... I can understand this one, my David was not able to text me for a little over eight hours after the surgery and I was scared that something had happened while he was under... but when he messaged me I relaxed, I thought that was the end of it...

Friday rolled around and I had one at work, I thought I was going to have to leave... I even started to cry. Thankfully it wasn't busy and I was able get my breathing back under control. I wondered why I had one again, David was fine, we had talked the night before. I was actually happy and relaxed.

The third one happened Saturday night in the middle of the night. I woke up at 4 am and I was having one in a dream that I continued with when I woke up.. I did not actually go back to sleep... I dozed... I get up at a decent hour and prepared myself to go to church, I was all dressed and ready to leave when I went to the washroom and the toilet overflowed... that was it for me, I crawled back in bed...  All day Sunday I laid in bed, not wanting to move, wondering if another panic attack would hit.

I did finally relax enough to get up, I took Valentina to a friends house so that I could go for a long walk.  I thought it would be good to get some of the energy out, which I hoped would really help me relax enough to sleep... Especially since I had been unable to get any exercise the previous two days due to the weather... I was ready for sleep Sunday night.. I laid there and hoped I could get through the night without another panic attack. There's nothing really stressing in my life... nothing more than usual. Something must be weighing on my mind that maybe I'm not aware of? I would rather deal with it head on than deal with it this way, where it paralyzes me.

Unfortunately if I don't know what it is that is causing it... I can't really deal with it... which makes me want to figure it out as quickly as I can, so that it won't cause anymore debilitating incidences. I can't keep having them and not try to figure out what is bringing them on... I don't want them to become daily occurrences. Luckily I didn't have another one last night but I did wake up at 3 am and I was unable to fall back to sleep, which will make for a very long day.

Also, just a quick update on my weight loss journey, on my 13th week, I was down a total of 42 pounds and still going down. I still weigh in on Friday's at work as I like to get weighed on the same scale to see my weight loss from the beginning. I also get weighed in on Monday mornings on my own scale as my sister and I are still on the journey to see who will lose 10% of their body weight first and we started on a holiday when I was unable to weigh in at work.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

Sharing Your Dreams With Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

The song 'Save The Best For Last' by Vanessa Williams came to mind last night and wouldn't leave me because of one simple verse...

All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through?
I wondered what was wrong with you?
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else?
And share your dreams with me?
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see... 

This song came to me and wouldn't leave because my David is home and will be for six weeks, he is feeling a bit better by the way.  He does feel like a turtle on his back and says he even laughs at himself when he is getting up, he has an awesome sense of humor, he continually makes me laugh. Anyhow, we have been talking a lot, about everything, like we used to everyday... we always talk about everything because that is the way we are with each other but sometimes because of work we don't always have the time. Now that he is off, we have the time and the verse came to me because it's so true, we share everything with each other that we would never share with another.  Yet he dates other people, I didn't understand how he could share his dreams with me and still date others... ?

Anyhow, I came to the conclusion that he and I are just very close, we always will be... I tell him everything and he tells me everything, we feel safe with each other and trust each other implicitly ... neither one of us would ever betray each others trust, neither one of us would ever want to truly hurt the other one.  I guess that is what makes us best friends.

If I was dating a man that was best friends with a woman like David and I are, I don't know if I could handle it... I would truly have to trust that man and that is not always easy.  However; if I was with David and he had other women friends, it would never bother me because I trust him completely.  It is all about trust, I wonder if any of the women in David's life will have a problem with me?  It actually doesn't matter though because David and I will always continue to be best friends no matter what... nothing will come between us ever...

I can't wait to go to Alberta in April... I am looking forward to seeing parts of it and just being able to sit, talk and laugh with my David. I have not been past Ontario since I was very young and I have always had the desire to visit out west, mostly British Columbia which I will see one day but Alberta has been on my list too... I am going to take lots of pictures when I am there.  I will want them all for my memories, especially ones with my David and me... I really can't wait to see the look on my David's face when I get off the plane, people that see me all the time tell me constantly how much of a change there is in me... I told David he won't recognize me...

My David told me the other night that I deserve someone very special, I told him he was right... I understand that I have undervalued myself for many years... most of my life... however; I now know that I deserve the best and I am not settling for anything less than that... I would rather be alone than to ever be with anyone who didn't deserve me again.  I thought I would never say that and really mean it but I do mean it with all my heart...

I love that I am keeping with my vision of eating healthy and exercising regularly, I always feel so much better when I do... the past couple of days it has been dreary and rainy, so near impossible for me to walk.  I can actually feel the stress build when I can't exercise... strange... yet this explains why I used to eat or do other things to cover the stress... now I exercise and I end up feeling so much better at the end of it... It is such an awesome stress reliever...  Time for me to start the next chapter of my life, that is the one where I join the Canada Games Center and really start taking care of myself and Valentina... then I will never have an excuse not to exercise...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

Thank You From My Heart

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

It feels good to be able to breathe, I was holding my breath for days... I didn't even realize it... not until I got the text message from my David last night.  I actually sighed and I felt myself instantly relax. Tonight he messaged me to let me know he is feeling a bit better, he is sleeping a lot... I told him I had a panic attack yesterday where I couldn't breathe, he asked me why?  I told him it was because I was worried about him... he told me that he didn't want me to worry, he was feeling better just being home. Also, he told me to let everyone know that all the prayers and positive thoughts worked and he is very grateful... I am beyond thankful from my heart. If anyone of you ever need prayers or good thoughts, please do not hesitate to ask me, I would be more than willing to do this for you.

I went to my last physio appointment tonight, at least until the new year as that is when I will have more money to go in again.  She wants me to cut down on the walking a little, she said a 5k isn't too bad but when I walk 5 and 6 miles per day I am putting a little too much stress on my knees.  I am going to listen to her, she knows what she is talking about and besides in about a 2 weeks I will be starting up with Zumba classes which she thinks will be a bit better for me.  I am really looking forward to these as I have heard great things about it from almost everyone I spoke with.  As well, Valentina is getting excited about going out there with me and either swimming or playing basketball... who knows what else she could find to do while she is out there, I think it will be fabulous for both of us to be active together...
Tonight is going to be a short post, I just wanted to catch everyone up and then really get some sleep.  I can actually feel myself becoming relaxed enough to actually fall asleep... it has been well over a week since I had that feeling.  Normally I have laid in bed, tossed and turned and woke up every hour.  I will also catch up with all your blogs tomorrow night since I will just be able to come home and relax.  It feels so good to not be under constant tension, it was a good test for me though, I didn't fall into my old trap and eat unhealthy food like chips and chocolate bars... in fact I continued to eat healthy food.  My sister messaged me last night and said this is a lot of hard work, it is in the beginning... it takes a lot of preparation but once I got a routine down, it was pretty simple.

So thank you all again from my heart, I will write more on the weekend and I will catch up with all your blogs tomorrow night... I am looking forward to what you are all up to.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future

I Am Requesting Prayers and Positive Thoughts for my 'D'

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I will write more tomorrow... my David okay, he made it through the surgery, it was very serious.. I am really grateful to everyone for their prayers and positive thoughts... 

Tomorrow is the big day, the big scary day for me... David is going in for surgery at 11:00 am Alberta time, which will be about 2:00 pm my time.  We talked today, he said the surgeon is known to be very good.... I hope so.  Of course I won't hear anything until my David is alert and able to text me, that might not be until the next day. Maybe someone will post it on his Facebook wall, I know I will be on pins and needles until I know he is okay.  I told him that I will be posting a request on Facebook for prayers and good thoughts for him, I am not above begging for my David.  Whatever your belief system is, could you either pray or send out positive thoughts for him?  He means a great deal to me, I am pretty sure that anyone who reads my blog is well aware of that but just in case you didn't know and might have been living under a rock, my David is extremely important to me.

Today with all the worry I have, he set about to make me laugh, he is always trying to make me smile or laugh.. he is funny and he tries to see the lighter side of things.  It is a good trait to have, it is not always easy for him as he has had many difficult trials in the past few years... however; he tries very hard to not let it get him down.  I took an opportunity to go for a jog/walk today, I did my 5K in 47.4 minutes, almost as good as last week.  It was raining today, so I was a little nervous of slipping on a leaf so I was a little more careful than usual.  I was soaked by the time I got home but it felt great, I was tired but in a good way if you know what I mean.  The muscles in my legs had been sore but after this workout, they started feeling better, I really stretched them out.  What I am really hoping is that I am able to sleep, although I don't hold out a lot of hope that, that will happen. I didn't sleep much before my own operation and I tend to worry more for other people than myself... I think most of us do.  Besides this is my David...
I have to say something, it isn't about one person... I might have even been guilty of this in the past.  I am not pointing fingers but why must we do everything we can to tear another person down?  Why would we not want to lift each other up? Just because we don't always think like someone else, why do we feel the need to take that opportunity to be nasty to each other?  I personally do not want to be nasty to anyone... I may have been in the past, I am not perfect but the older that I get the less I want to be mean or hurtful to other people.  We are all dealing with our own baggage in life, none of us have a simple life, (it only looks like it sometimes).

First there is an incident at work, I was shocked at how some people talk to each other, we are in this together... we should be lifting each other up, working together.  Not trying to pull each other down, I myself had some small incidents with people from other regions in the past and it made me sad that there was any hurt feelings between us but I certainly work very hard to get along with the people that I work with on the floor...  we are a diverse group of people, we have different things going on in our personal lives but the last thing I want to do is make it any harder for any of my co-workers.  I would hope that everyone would want this too... we have to see each other everyday, let's try to get along.

The second incident was through a church friend, for some reason someone felt it was okay to be mean to her for a belief she had, the other person was a church member too... Really?  I love both of these people, I respect both of them... I am sad that one of them would feel the need to be mean to the other, leaving the first person to cry.  That is not what we are about, we are about love, kindness, service.  If one of us is having a bad day, let's talk about it, let's pray for each other, let's remember we are all fighting our own battles. Most of all, let us all forgive each other and move on...
I just had to say this because I feel like sometimes we don't think when we talk, we forget that each and every human being is having it rough, not one of us gets by in this life and has it simple.  If you do, great for you but I don't believe that, we all have one challenge after another, either from our own making from decisions we have made (I have had a lot of those) or from life challenges.  If you have something you have to work out with someone, take that opportunity to do it, you don't want regrets... I know I don't want any regrets myself.

I hope you will all take a moment to either pray for or send out good thoughts for my David, I will and would do the same for you at anytime.  Just ask and I would be more than happy to include you in my prayers. Thank you.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Having What I Deserve

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I have been wanting to write all day, I had a busy day.  I actually got to sleep in for a bit, I was awake off and on from 6:30 am but I didn't get up until a little after 9:00 am.  So I decide today would be the day that I find a before picture and take an after picture of myself.  I didn't really see too much difference, although I know I have lost a great deal, I am less than a pound away from losing 40 pounds in 12 weeks.  I do see more definition but I think the first picture was taken at a great angle, my new one was taken face on. Anyhow, I am not discouraged, I am still on my weight loss journey and as I told David today, I will probably see it better in the next 12 weeks. (No, I have not shown my David a picture yet)

Anyhow, I did some general housework, such as laundry and dishes and I cooked a huge pot of spaghetti sauce for the up coming week... good lunches for both of us, mine going on rice though.  Then I took a short nap, I was really tired after this week, it has been really stressful and the next week coming up doesn't look a whole lot easier... especially with my David going in for surgery for sure on Monday.  I am not sure how I will work that day... I guess on auto pilot.  Couldn't I just fly up there and be with him?  I guess that isn't feasible... oh well, it was just a fleeting thought.
I have been thinking how little I valued myself for so many years, I wouldn't listen to other people when they tried to tell me that I was worth so much more... I listened to the words of people who didn't really matter. Why do we listen to the bad things and not the good things?  Maybe I should ask, why do I listen to the bad things and not the good things?  I say this because Andrey is allowed out for day passes and he has been by to see Valentina a lot.  I look at him and think, how did I ever allow myself to be involved with him, did I really think so little of myself?

I am in a place now that the honest truth is that anyone will have to jump through hoops of fire to be with me, I just won't accept less than I deserve.  If I am being honest and that is the only way I can be, of course I only want David ... but I don't want him at all costs... I'm not willing to sacrifice myself again ... I know that I did that, he never asked me to... I didn't think I was enough, I was sure I had to be an even better version of myself than I was... well... I was good enough, I just didn't believe it.

I really think losing the weight, becoming healthy and allowing myself to actually feel my emotions instead of covering them up with food and other things has opened my eyes a great deal. Today when something scary happens like my David almost having to have emergency surgery last Tuesday, I cleaned and I cried... I wrote... I didn't eat the fear, I let myself cry, that's what I have to do, I have to let myself feel.  Not always easy but definitely the only way I can handle anything hard going forward.
I went for a walk tonight and I have to say it was one of my tougher walks, when I first went out and felt the wind, I thought oh... this feels good.  That was until I started walking in the path of it and I felt like I was being slowed down.  Who knew the wind could slow you down?  I didn't, I ended up walking about two and a quarter miles, which was well below my five miles a day I have been getting.  However; I also realize I need to take a day or two per week where I don't push myself beyond my limits.  Today was one of those days, saying all that, I did walk at a rate of a little over fifteen and half minutes per mile.  I think sometimes I expect a lot more from myself than I do from others and I need to give myself a break with working out so hard all the time.

What I am going to work on this week and going forward is not to push myself so hard all the time, I need to be a little kinder, I need to remember that I am not twenty and that taking a day once and a while isn't lazy, it is good for me.  I am going to spend a lot more time stretching and self massaging my legs, my legs do a lot for me, they deserve to be treated better than constantly pushing them to see how fast and how far I can go. I am not giving up my exercise regime, I am just going to remember that I need to give myself a break from time to time, the world won't fall apart if do.  I won't gain five pounds because I take a day to myself, even if I did, it would be okay... but I know I won't.

The most important thing I want to remember is that I am worth much more than I allow myself to believe... I deserve better than I have ever settled for and I won't accept anything less than what I deserve going forward.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

My Roller Coaster Of Emotions

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

Yesterday was a roller coaster day, I was up and down all day long.... First I was up as I was excited to go to the doctors so that she could see how much I have progressed, I was looking forward to jumping on the scale and going through my blood work... Yeah I know, I get excited about the funniest things... Anyhow, Valentina was able to sleep in and then go with the sitters as I had so much to do, since school was starting today (Wednesday).  The day started out pouring rain and pretty much stayed that way, there were stops in between but I couldn't trust that it wouldn't turn into sheets of rain at a moments notice.  (Which it did throughout the day)

The next thing I know I received a text message from David that he was at the base hospital and that they were sending him in an ambulance to Camrose for emergency surgery... I panicked... we had just spoken the evening before, they thought he was okay to wait... but no... this was fast becoming real to me. Damn the distance, I started to cry.  He asked me to post this on his Facebook so that his friends would know and send out good vibes.  Of course I would do this for him, I quickly posted it on his wall and then immediately posted it on my wall too... so many people on my Facebook offered prayers and good thoughts, I was so touched, most of you only know about David through me.

I kept praying and waiting to hear from my David, in between I cleaned a lot, I swept and moped my entire house, I did a load of dishes and I did laundry... I kept busy... then I received another text from him and he stated that the base doctor didn't want to wait for an ambulance they were going to send him in a car with a paramedic... he was worried... I was a total basket case.  I started praying harder, wishing insanely that I could be with him, I just was unable to focus on anything else.  My sister messaged me to tell me how she was doing with the diet and I apologized to her, I just couldn't get with it... my mind was on David.

Anyhow, I had to leave to go to the doctors... no canceling, that would cost too much money, money that I didn't have.  My doctor who knows me well, for 17 years now, saw me and knew something was up, she was proud that I had lost the weight but she wanted to know what was happening.  She tried to calm me down... I relaxed a bit.  Then we talked about what I was there for, I hopped on the scale and she was beyond thrilled for me, I had even lost an extra 2 and half pounds since Friday... we went over my diet, she was happy with that, she told me not to worry if I were to gain a little as she stated that my body will try to fight me somewhere a long the line.  I told her that I knew that and that I would just power through and my body would have to learn that I really meant business.
Then we went over the important blood work, I had brought my good cholesterol up by about a point, all with exercising and eating healthy and my bad cholesterol was the same as if I was taking pills, all in all she was very happy.  This is only from less then 12 weeks, she wants to see me in about two months and then we will look at blood work in the new year again.  She smiled and she told me she was very proud of me for taking my life back.  Then she reassured me that David would most likely be okay and not to worry.

I left the doctors office to find out that it was pouring rain, unlike anything I had seen in quite some time... I took cover waiting for the bus and continually checked to see if there were any messages.... nothing... I got home and peeled off wet clothes and made myself eat something since I had not eaten very much that day. There is a by product to getting on the right path, the old me would have ate everything in sight, the new me had to be reminded to eat period.  Anyhow, finally I got a text from David that he had been to Camrose and that although the doctor said he needed emergency surgery, they are waiting until Monday.  All I can say is they are darned lucky I am here... unbelievable... That is six days away and he is an hour and a half away from a place that they can perform the surgery... I went from being worried and scared to being mad...

See my roller coaster day, I think I felt every emotion yesterday.  By the time I had said good night to David, I ended up laying in bed, tossing and turning all night long... I did not sleep more than an hour or so.  Today was Valentina's first day of grade five and I made the day about her, she had to change her clothes a couple of times and fix her hair so that her new earrings showed.  We went over and bought lunch since I had not got out to buy groceries...  then off to school we went, she was very happy... I hope she has an amazing day and that the kids will be nice to her, she really does have a soft heart (not so much with me lately, lol) but with other children ....
I came home and finished up some laundry and then headed out to walk a little more than a 5K, I did, even though my legs felt like lead, I ended up finishing with a time that was only a little over 2 minutes more than the other day when I did the same route.... I would say that is pretty good for everything I was going through.  I plan to get out for quick two mile walk tonight, that will only take about a half hour... it feels good to be as motivated as I have been and to see that I will power through even though I don't always feel like it, I am not giving up on changing my life... even when I am on a roller coaster of emotions.

The best thing I did for myself today was go for that walk, it really helped to get rid of some stress... sure I am still very worried about David but I need to take care of myself too... otherwise I won't be any good to anyone else....
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Taking My Life Back One Day At A Time

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I took a couple of days off so that I could take Valentina to her first day of school, at first I thought that they went back on September 3rd but found out it was September 4th... good thing I took both days off.  That gave me a five day weekend with the holiday.  I also felt it would be a great time for me to workout a lot while I was off, yesterday I walked twice for a total of 5.12 miles and I was able to walk a 5K in 47.2 minutes... I am really getting my speed up and I know if I can start running a little more than a few sprints here and there that I will be able to really get that time down for my October 6th 5K walk/run.  Believe it or not, I am really looking forward to it, so funny as three months ago I could barely walk for 15-20 minutes without feeling like I was going to pass out...

So, today I am spending the day in the house doing housework and then going to see my doctor, she has not seen me for almost six weeks, I am sure I will shock her with all my weight loss.  I was hoping to walk back and forth to the doctors as that is about an hour both ways, however; the weather decided not to cooperate with me.  There is too much rain, I wouldn't mind a little spritzing here and there but not downpours.  So no walking today which makes me kind of sad, yes I love walking now... I love working out period.  It will be Fall very soon and I realize that I will no longer be able to walk outside as much as I like, I do have a gym at work but that would mean getting there really early to use it and then having to have a shower before I started work, I don't think I would be able to work out as much as I want to that way.  So Canada Games Center here I come, I will be joining up by the end of this month.
My David has to go in for surgery again, he finds out more on Friday... can I say, enough is enough...  this will be three surgeries in less than a year, I can't handle being so far from him when he is going through this... I know he has people there that can help him but I want to be there, looking after him so that he doesn't re injure himself again. When I was off with my surgery I had the VON come in daily and look after my skin-graft... as well I had many church people bring me meals so that I didn't have to cook for a couple of weeks, all I had to do was rest... Apparently with stomach surgery they don't think you need help, I would think that was when you needed it the most, the core part of your body is healing and you shouldn't be doing anything to cause injury to it again.

All I can do from here is pray and send out positive vibes for him... I know that is something... but I would really prefer being there, that way I would know he was getting the proper amount of rest.  Anyhow, prayers it is, many will be on the way... I have already started and I will continue.  I won't be able to rest until I know he is out of the surgery and on the mend.  In the meantime I will be exercising like crazy... I have another contest to win with my sister.  She and I were talking and she is finding it hard to get her exercise in with her job... I am sure she will figure a way out as this girl loves to exercise more than I do, she has been doing this for over 20 years, I have just started.  I still don't think she has much hope of winning, I am much more competitive than most people, once I get something in my head I just go on auto pilot.
I know many people who say to me, I want your drive, determination, motivation... we all have it, we just have to tap into it... For me it all started with something my David said to me, I don't even think he realized that he started all this... one day I will tell him, probably when I go to visit him this spring.  I remember thinking, I really, really want to change my life, I really need to change my life.  Then not even a week later the email came out at work about the Biggest Loser Challenge and I knew that was my answer... for many years we have had this challenge and I have told people that I didn't get involved because I knew how competitive I was, I am sure people thought uh huh... well, I proved that I was telling the truth... I knew what I was capable of... Now that I have proven that, I cannot go back to my old lifestyle... I can only move forwards.  This was never about a contest, this was about getting my life back and proving to myself that I am and was better than what I had allowed myself to become...

When people tell me that they want to change their life but then post some high calorie food on their Facebook, or proceed to give me reasons why it is impossible for them to workout as much as they would like... I realize they are not ready to take their lives back.  I am not judging anyone, I was right there, I used to talk about getting it together, changing my life.  One day I just did it, I got up and started walking and I didn't stop... I am hoping to see these people do the same thing... I don't have a magic answer, I just know for me that I fell in love with exercise and I could not imagine not doing it... I am really hoping that I find even more fun things to do at the Canada Games Center... I don't ever want to go back to that lifestyle again, I want to stay healthy and continue on this path. I love that I took my life back, I am doing it one day at a time.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Goals Are Promises I Make To Myself

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.  

Well it is supposed to rain for the next few days so I took the opportunity to walk home from church in my new Nike Air sneakers, they felt amazing... I love them.  I had a backpack and my purse so unfortunately I wasn't as quick as I wanted to be but at least I got out walking.  I am going to have to be creative and ready at a moments notice to just go for a walk when the rain is light.  I don't want to stop walking for 3-4 days just because of some rain.  Besides I am not made of sugar, I won't dissolve by going out for a walk in it.  I just don't want to walk in downpours or if it is thunder and lightening.  This is a wake up call for me and makes me realize I have to have some sort of alternative exercise planned, especially with winter on the way. I have really been spoiled with this summer, I have been able to walk almost every single day for the eleven weeks of the contest.

Besides I am thinking if I join the gym like I wanted to do in the past, this will get Valentina motivated to exercise too... She doesn't enjoy walking like I do but maybe she will enjoy going swimming or working out in other ways.  There is so many things she could do out at the Canada Games Center... I will just have to take the plunge and get signed up and start organizing myself to go out there at least 5 nights a week.  It might get her on a better path than she is on now, which lately has been sitting in front of the TV, a time waster in my mind ... especially since I haven't watched it in over 11 weeks, I wonder how I ever had time... different priorities then...
So, my sister has been here and gone, she and I had that bridge walk together and all I can say is wow, I became more motivated that ever to get better and better with my walking.  I realize I need to pull it up a notch and really push myself.  It is easier when you have someone who you can complete against, although I am always completing against myself to better my last time.  It really helps when you have someone there... I am thinking of getting a group together where we can walk together, it would have to be somewhere cheap because walking outside is going to become more and more difficult to do as the weather gets colder. Anyhow, my sister has come up with an idea to complete against each other, we are going to start tomorrow and see who can lose 10% of their body weight first and we both love Victoria Secret bras and the loser will have to buy the winner one... I told her I want a purple one.

I don't think she knows how motivated I am, she does have to lose less but as competitive as she can be, I am more so... I am willing to do whatever I need to become as healthy as possible. She works more than I do, so I have more time to exercise.  Either way, she and I will be winners because we will both lose... we will be taking pictures weekly of being on the scale and following each other on Fitness Pal...  I can hardly wait to pick out my new bra from Victoria Secret... hahaha.  She told me which one she had her eye one, I told her I am sure she will enjoy buying it for herself.
I am off for the next few days so I will be able to write a little more and get my house back in shape after having guests... something had to give this last week, housework and writing both went by the wayside... but that is okay.  I was able to spend some quality time with my sister and I was able to walk a fair amount for the limited time I had.  I am going to get to take Valentina to her first day of grade 5 on Wednesday, she is just about ready.. we just have to pack up her bag.  I see my doctor on Tuesday, I am sure she will be shocked when she sees how much weight I have lost... although 37 pounds is a lot, it is even more with the inches that I lost.  When I started the contest 11 weeks ago, I never measured myself, I was into the 5th week before I started and in the past 6 weeks, I lost 5 inches off my waist, 5 inches off my hips, 4 inches off each thigh and 3 inches under my chest.  I can only imagine how much I actually lost in inches since the beginning.

I don't want to post a picture of myself until I see David as I want to surprise him with the weight loss, he knows I am losing it but knowing it and seeing it are two different things.  However; I am thinking of putting a picture up on Instagram, if you have an account there than you could see it, I just have to find someone to take the picture for me... I wish it was either my son in law Paul or my daughter Andrea... both of which take amazing pictures of me.  Oh well, I have to be content to find someone else to take the picture.  I will post here to let everyone know when I put the picture up.  I will email it to a few of my friends but I don't want to post it on Facebook just yet... besides I plan to lose more weight and become even healthier than I am now.

So, I have two new goals, one to prepare myself for my 5k walk/run on October 6th and to lose 10% more weight before my sister does, both of which I will be doing.  It feels great to be committed and have goals... I also have a long term goal I am working on, once I get closer to it, I will write about it here, it is just in the beginning stages right now.  Goals are promises I make to myself, getting to each goal means I don't break those promises...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥