Centered With A Purpose

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Lying here almost ready to sleep when I have an aha moment ... I was reading an older post entry and I realized how much growth I have made.  I used to wrap myself in emotions... now I exercise them.  I can totally understand how someone could have thought I was centered without any real purpose.  Back then I had nothing to focus on... just the blogging. For a long time there I poured out every dream, hope, desire I felt, without thinking of the future.

I feel like I have grown so much since then... this is a girl who doesn't have an excuse for eating poorly or not exercising... I just do it literally.  I used to blog everyday... not going to happen in the future... I want to write when I feel the mood.  Not because I feel like I have to, that way I will write more clearly and not so literal. Part of me thought about deleting some of those older posts ... but as I thought about it though, those experiences made me who I am today.  I'm the girl who took my life back with determination ..  I learned to love myself with this lifestyle change... I used to be so unhappy when I was big.  I thought I had limited options.

In less than 5 months, I have worked very hard to drop the 60 pounds I have lost just since June 15, 2013.  Even though my body is not perfect, I love it now.  It is shapely and curvy and so much smaller than it has been in years.   I have this to focus on... I'm not centered without purpose anymore and I don't feel like I have limited options.

In almost five months, I have not lost the focus of being healthy and strong... my knees are hurting less, my heart is thanking me big time, I gave up TV...  Also exercising is not an option, it is a necessity.  I don't want to take medication...  I want to be healthy.  I've come a long way... Still if I had reined myself in back then, I wouldn't be in this situation...  This is a huge lesson for me, we might think we are getting away with things at the time, eating poorly, not exercising, smoking... They all have consequences down the road... I am learning that and realizing how much harder I have to work now ....  At least I learned that lesson ... it seems like one I have had pop up a few times in my life and I finally listened.
I am hoping and praying that people can forgive me for being centered without any purpose for a long time, all I can say is that this has changed, I am busy and focused... I feel like I have endless options.  I would love to choose sleep though and I think I can get that with forgiveness which might allow me to sleep. The first person I want forgiveness from is me, I make mistakes, it's okay... I am not defined by them, I can grow from them and frankly I have.  I am finally centered with a purpose, for me to get in the best shape, body and mind... I am on the right path.

Sleep Sooner Then Later

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I can't keep up without sleeping, I am not even sure I am going to be coherent... for a little over a month, I might have had two nights where I actually got any real sleep.  Usually I have sporadic and broken sleep which makes makes me question how my day at work will go, I will either be so tired, I will be giddy or so tired I will be emotional.  Lately with less and less sleep I am somewhat more emotional, I need to find something that will help me get some sleep so that I will be able to function or at least focus on something other than the fact that I haven't slept.
I remember in my twenties and thirties I could sleep, no problem.  I think I really messed myself up in my late thirties and took on two jobs and worked for 55-60 hours per week for the next three years.  Finally everything came to a head there and I ended up only having to work one job... that was about the time I had Valentina, I had over a year off and I righted by body again by sleeping a lot.  Then I started working but that wasn't enough, I had to change jobs and I started working crazy hours again, upwards of 70 hours per week for a little over two years.

By the time Valentina was to start school I knew I could not keep up with that so I found my current job... which although it has it's drawback with the travel, at least I am not working 55-70 hours per week.  Lately the fact that I am not sleeping makes me think if I have to be awake this long, I should be accomplishing something, other than wasting time.  However; the massive lack of sleep is leaving me unfocused and not being able to actually complete a task simply.
I think I know the answer but frankly with the lack of sleep I am wondering how clearly I can actually think. I know today was tough for me, I was just so tired and everything that happened centered on what I was aiming not to think about.  I have an appointment with my doctor in two weeks, which seems a long way off without sleep.  Sometimes my mind just gets racing and I can't settle it down enough to rest.  If I don't feel rested in the morning  then I am going to see if I can get a quick appointment at the end of the day with my doctor.

I just don't think I should go much longer without addressing it more seriously, I can tell it is affecting me more and more daily... I haven't broken down by eating more or not exercising, I am still fitting this in daily, I am dedicated as I have tenacity.  Right now that is the only thing that I have control over in my life, I don't want to give up on that and ever fall back to where I was... No matter how things are in my life at the moment, becoming healthy by eating right and exercising, has become one of the best decisions I ever made in my life and stuck with.
Each day I get up in the morning, I am grateful that whatever it was that got me started, I am grateful that it did because at the moment, this is the one positive thing in my life that makes me feel good.  I have to have something, writing has always been my other outlet and I love having this as an outlet.  I just never want to give up exercising as it helps to release some of the stress and a lot of the weight loss.  I do know that to keep this up, I am going to have to find a way to sleep and sooner then later.

Facing What Is Real

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Some things have changed drastically in my life in the past week, hence why I took a break from blogging and social media.  All the changes were causing me to lose more sleep than I normally do and frankly I can barely function on the little bit of sleep I am usually able to get.  Add into that one more overly stressful issue and I was lucky to be getting a couple of hours of broken sleep each night, even with the sleeping pills my doctor had given me. Wednesday night I was near my breaking point, I had only slept two hours the night before and not all together, I then went to work because I am a single mama and I cannot afford to take off unpaid time, no matter what.  I also had set up some times to visit some ladies from our church earlier in the week for that night.

I know I could have cancelled and I had thought about it as my nerves were raw and the smallest thing could send me over the edge.  I went for the visits though and I ended up being grateful that I did, it changed my perspective on an issue that I felt so totally out of control with... I was told about a talk that was given at one of our church functions; many times I have been told about talks and thought... hmmm, I should read that, this one really peaked my curiosity.  I came away from the visits exhausted but uplifted and when I got home, I took a sleeping pill and drifted off to sleep, now I didn't sleep through the whole night but I definitely got more rest then the previous nights.  On the way to work, I searched for the talk on my phone and read it, it resonated with me in a way it may not have for other people.

That is the thing about talks, each of us gets different information and ideas as they pertain to our situations. What I learned from this talk is that this earthly life is a blip, it is just here for the now, the eternity is what is important and everything works itself out in the eternities... What I mean by that is that just because something does not work out the way we want it to here, does not mean that it won't be different there.  So I wrote on my Facebook wall, 'Yours for now, mine for an eternity' ... some people questioned me about what this meant.  For me, it means I need to stop worrying about now and everything will take care of itself. Nothing more, nothing less. 
I also need to write another thing, in this day of information and technology, unless you are just talking to someone, everything is documented somewhere.  I know that and this is why I am very careful about what I say and who I say it to.  I only speak my heart to people that I truly trust ... as well if anyone says anything to me, they can know that it will never go anywhere... I can be trusted fully.  Unfortunately I have trusted the wrong people in the past but I have lived and learned through that, that is why I now have a very small circle of trusted friends.

I see my doctor in November again and I am going to talk to her about seeing someone I can talk to ... On the council of a very good and trusted friend, I am going to find someone I can talk to about all of the changes that I have had to deal with in the past couple of years.  This good friend is right, it is always good to speak to someone who is not emotionally involved in your situation, it could give a new light on some trials and issues I have had to deal with... I am really grateful that there is not the stigma that there used to be about getting counselling like there was many years ago.  Only good can come from this, if anything it will give me a safe place to say all that I feel.

My blog is kind of that place, only it is opened to whoever wants to read it... which is fine, I will always write here openly and honestly as that is who I am.  I think I need to reiterate something here, just to make myself totally clear.  I am losing weight and I am continuing on my path to lose weight and get healthy for me and for me alone.  I am NOT doing this for anyone, as I have stated to some people, if I was doing this for someone or something, I would not be able to sustain it.... I am doing this for me.
Also, my blog is about how I feel inside, that is why it goes up and down, I write down whatever I am feeling at any given time... I write from the heart and maybe I shouldn't always write what is in my heart all the time. Unfortunately that is me, I write what I feel, I also say what I feel too... I know that it can be hard for people, especially the people that are close to me.  I will make a concerted effort to not write about those people so much in the future but I will always write about myself.  This is where I have my voice, Andrey and other people tried to take that away from me in the past...

As with life, friendships go in up and down phases too... I believe if you are really friends, that time will work out any issues that might come between you.  Just as life issues get worked out in time... I make mistakes, we all make mistakes but I believe in forgiving and I believe that I can be forgiven too.  Sometimes when we are hurting on the inside, it blinds us to what is real.  We don't always want to see the real because it can hurt a lot but I am looking at the real, I am facing it, if I didn't I couldn't be successful in my life style changes.

Back, Refreshed And Ready To Work On My Goals

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am back, back to social media, back to blogging.  I think I just needed a short break to clear my head and get my priorities straight.  When I originally took the break it was to take the time to look for an apartment, after discussing this with Cindy, I have decided to wait until after the new year.  She is right, I have had too many changes in the last few months and I am still working on getting healthy, plus Christmas is around the corner.  It's probably best not to be in the middle of packing when I am trying to have Christmas for Valentina.  So, that is on the back burner for now, I will revisit that in January or February, I will be more settled with other things in my life too.
I should actually be at or very near my goal weight by February and then I will just be maintaining it... I say that like it will be an easy thing, not... I don't have delusions about that, I am sure I will yo-yo up and down with five or ten pounds until I figure out how many calories I should be eating and how much I need to exercise. I am up for the challenge though, I know I never what to go back to where I was and I really enjoy all my new exercise.  I went out to Zumba class last night, I arrived early enough that I was able to walk the track for thirty some minutes, it felt amazing... I have not been walking as much as I used to as I had chosen Zumba and swimming.

Well, last night proved that I missed walking and it truly is my forte... I have decided that I will definitely be walking more.  I adore Zumba but because I don't know all the steps and some of them I am unable to do because of my knees, I don't feel that I get the best workout there.  I am still going to go but I am going to be walking the track for thirty minutes before I take my Zumba class, that way I will get a decent work out. Besides I want to do more 5K's in the future and eventually I would like to do a 10K.

I will start back to commenting on the blogs I follow tonight, however; I am not going to be able to comment on every single one of them, especially if they are daily blogs.  I will read them all, I have still been reading them while I took my break but I just figured out that I follow well over 200 blogs just on Bloglovin alone, it is near impossible for me to keep up with them all with comments. I do love to comment though and I will comment when I can, I just wanted you all to know that I have been reading them while I was off, I usually read them on my phone while I was on my long bus ride too and from work, so it made the time pass and I was entertained.

I also want to thank each of you for your comments and the readers who actually take the time to read my blog.  I truly appreciate it as I know it can be time consuming.  I have somethings I want to write but I will save that for another time... Suffice to say the time off brought a lot of changes and I came to an understanding about something that I was concerned about, I am not concerned about it any longer.  I don't have to be concerned, that is wasting my energy and I need all of my energy to work towards each of my goals.

Dating With Self Esteem

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

First I am not sure why I decided to start dating... a spur of the moment thing... lack of sleep... insanity...a little of all three. I think it's stupid for me to date when I'm still in love with my David... I wish I wasn't but I am..

I've only been out there for less then a week... I want to say what kind of freaks are out there?... Geesh... The first guy with no picture who started talking to me, after 30 minutes he is asking me to go to his cabin on Friday night... yeah.. NO! (Psycho)   The second guy I talked to for 30 minutes gave me his phone number... Really??? He didn't get mine. (Desperate)  How about the third guy who wanted me to call him, when I said no, he said if you don't me call tonight, we will never talk again... Okay...  I said, let me make this easy for you, we can stop talking right now (Controlling).  Oh and my personal favorite, the guy who offered to send me pictures of his body parts... Yeah...NO... I did not give him my email. (He needs a hobby and a life)

I had to say a few times to guys, do you all have nothing better to talk about?  I was purely going on this site to date, go out for a walk, dance, dinner, sporting events... something fun.  Let's not forget to mention all the men who put pictures up...who should not have... I am not all about the physical but some of these were just scary WOW!! ... Oh yes and the married men, looking for a fling... Get divorced, oh and we still won't talk. If this is a sampling of what is out there and what is to come.... I'm passing on it. All I can say is I have my full self esteem... I'm not desperate... I'm not interested in losers who are A) married  B) unemployed and or C) not interested in changing themselves.... Get a life and don't get back to me.
I have a busy full life, I work.. I'm a mama, I exercise, I blog.... I do not spend a lot of time watching TV... or playing games on the internet. Now I'm going to start my book too.. .. I actually know I don't have time to date... I am finished with the foolishness.  I decided that I need to take a break away from dating, from social media and from blogging.  I need to get some priorities straight....

1)  I need to organize my exercise better, I want to get to my goal weight by February, this includes starting strength training.  This means I have to give up other things to get myself in the best shape possible.

2) I need to move, I do not want to be living in this place at the beginning of 2014.  This means I have to really start looking, going to see places.  Then de cluttering my place some more .

3) I want to start the outline of my book, if I don't put it as top importance, I will never get started.

I have been taking Zumba, plus swimming and still walking a bit... I need to make exercise one of the top priorities, it will be more difficult to take off the last 30 pounds I want to lose than it was the first 58 that I have lost.  Plus I do not want to ever go back to the way I ate or lived my life, that is the trap that often happens. People seem to be able to lose the weight but don't maintain it because they don't keep the changes in their lifestyle, this is how I want to live forever.
If anyone wants to contact me, I will still be checking my email  Please feel free to drop me a line, I would love to hear from you.  I am deleting my apps off my phone for a while, I can always re download them when I am ready. I really just need to get my head and heart into a better place... I have been off center for a long time.  I know this will be good for me to really focus on a few things I need to complete... then I can come back refreshed.  I will miss every single blog I read and comment on... I know I will be able to catch up when I get back... I am not sure how long I will be gone, a little longer than I normally go for but I really need to make some changes.  I hope you all understand and come back once I am posting again... I am hoping I will be down under 200 by the time I get back, I will do a post on it, to catch you up...

My Promise To You

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I've been thinking about our promise
The one where we would always be there for each other
I'll never break mine, not today, not tomorrow

Although our paths have separated
It will never be broken for me
Nothing can change my promise to you
Thinking how we've been there for each other
Thinking how I'll always be there for you
Nothing could change that, nothing at all

If tomorrow you reached out and needed me
I wouldn't think twice, I would be right there
I trust that you will always be there for me too

No More Hiding Behind The Weight

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I have a question for all my blogger friends who have actually written a book and had it published.  Believe me I know it must have been quite the endeavor to do this ... ever since I have taken back my life with exercising and eating healthy, I have had many people in my life tell me how I need to write about it... I scoffed at them, as truly how many people have written weight loss books or how they finally got to the weight they desired?  More and more I have been thinking that maybe they are right, maybe it is time for me to sit down, compile a book of my journey?  I have everything documented either through my blog, my Facebook, My Fitness Pal or Map My Walk... nothing is all in one place.

I guess I wonder how viable it would be to sit down and put this all together in one place, starting from what actually got me started to what keeps me on this path?  I have had many people comment on how determined I am, I have always been determined... I just never channeled it in the right direction or the right places.  I allowed life issues to take over and I allowed myself to use one excuse after the other to not be the best I could actually be.  Maybe out of fear, I don't know... maybe writing the book whether it gets published or not might answer those questions for me.
All I know is that lately I can't scoff at it as easily as I did in the past, sometimes I will be laying in bed and I have written a chapter in my head just like that.. I even have chapter headings and a possible title.  I have always wanted to write, it has been a desire of mine since I was a little girl.  Unfortunately I allowed other people to define me and I let circumstances in my life make me feel less than I was... Even I can see that I have massive determination when I put my mind to it... people can have a food I used to love to eat and I don't feel like eating it, not in the least.  I feel like I want to be healthy and strong over anything else, I do not feel deprived.

I have overcome a fire that burned me and broke my family apart, I have come through childhood abuse by my ex step mother Ruth, I overcame being a young single mother raising my oldest daughter on assistance, I became stronger after all the abuse Andrey heaped on me in our marriage and the rape after we were separated and I survived losing the love of my life my David.  These are all defining moments that could have taken me down and led me to a path of self destruction but I found the strength to come through each of these and even at my lowest after losing my David romantically I found the desire to finally pull out the strength to get my life on track.
Nearly a year and a half after the break up I dug down deep and finally started my weight loss journey, with every pound I lost I started finding myself more.  I never realized how much I had hid myself behind the weight.  As much as I hated the weight, it was my way of keeping me from growing to my potential as the more I lost the more I realized I had nothing to hide behind anymore.  It was kind of scary since I had given up all the other things I did to hide behind too... I had a plan, a goal of sorts and that came crashing down around me a few weeks ago too, still I stayed with exercising and eating healthy.  I can no longer hide anywhere, as each day moves on from the other, I realize I don't want to hide anymore...

Truthfully, if I can get through all of these things that I did, I can lose the weight and become the best me... Now to write the book, if anything it might answer questions for me...

I Don't Play Games, I Win Games

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Finally, I will sleep like a baby tonight... it's about time.  I was worried for nothing... I forgot my own worth, it is back now... I am no longer going to sit around and be upset about anything that isn't important.  My new motto is watch me... I have now taken 56 pounds off in 18 weeks, I have about another 30 pounds to lose. I am excited to finally get to where I wanted to for so many years.  I stopped with the excuses, there is no excuse out there that will take me off my course ever again.  I went swimming last night and let me tell you, what a workout that was, I was swimming, running in the water, doing flips, hand stands for ninety minutes... I felt like I was in my twenties.  It helps to have lost a great deal of weight.

People that have known me all my life are dropping there jaws, my picture is not even showing the weight loss as well as it does in person.  People are telling me that I have lost enough... I haven't as even when I lose the 30 pounds I will still be considered overweight by 20-25 pounds.  However; I won't be the least bit overweight, I will be curvy, just the way I like myself.  Right now, I am so centered on becoming even better than I am now... that means swimming once or twice per week, taking Zumba twice a week, walking 3-4 times per week and adding in strength training 3-4 times per week.
I am in the zone, I cannot believe that I was the least bit upset about NOTHING... when it is all said and done... I will be the one who comes out on top.  I forgot my own tenacity, I have overcome more than most people have ... and I always come out on top... First and foremost, if I want something... I go after it and I get it... sometimes I realize somethings are not worth it and I move on to better things. Once I make my mind up, I make it up fast and there is no changing it.  It will even be faster now that I have my full self esteem back in place where it should have always been.
I also know and believe that everything will be as it should be, worrying about it, being sad about it will not change it...  I am just going to focus more on doing the things I need to do to become the best me that is possible and everything else will fall into place.  My problem was that I was worried about something I need not worry about... sometimes I wonder when I have so little faith when I have seen so many things turn around on a dime.  I don't play games, I win games...

Some Decisions Are Challenges That End Up Being Defining Moments

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Well, I made it out to Zumba finally, I had a great time... I knew nothing about what I was doing.  Valentina was telling me I was the worst, I just laughed... I will be one of the best before I know it.. I am like that, when I take something on, I give it my all.  I will be there two nights per week and I will learn all the moves. I am also going to go swimming tomorrow, I kept telling Valentina I would do this when I lost some more weight but I finally told her that we will be going tomorrow as I don't want her having body issues and thinking she cannot go swimming. I used to love to swim and I gave it up but I am going to treat it like Zumba and go and just have fun.

I have also decided that although I LOVE to comment on all the blogs I follow, I will have to slow down a little.  I will continue to read everybody's blog I follow because I adore all of you.  I will still comment but it most likely won't be on every single post.  This will be the most difficult for me as I LOVE to comment.  I promise that I will comment as much as I can but lately I am getting pulled in 50 different directions and I feel like something has to give.  I get so much enjoyment from reading all of your posts ... so I could never give you up.  I hope you all understand...

Everyone and I mean everyone is commenting on how small I am getting... yes I have lost a great deal of weight and I do see it, I still have almost 35 pounds left to lose.  I have had a really difficult incident happen in the past couple of weeks and I am dealing with it the best way I can, which means I am really not dealing with it all that great as I am not sleeping... I went to my doctors and she gave me a mild sleeping pill... that did not work.  She then gave me something a little stronger... I took half and slept a little better.  My mind won't shut down about this issue, I keep going over and over it in my mind.  I feel so much about it, sad... disappointed, frustrated... angry... the list could go on.  So someone said to me that they could not believe how I am continuing with eating healthy and exercising.
I told them that this is something I am good at... besides I have to figure out other ways to deal with the stress and it should not be putting that food into my system as I feel great with what I am  eating for the past almost 4 months.  Then another friend stated a truth... she said... this is something I can control. With my life spinning out of control, eating healthy and exercising is something I have control over.   I enjoy the way I think about what I eat before I eat it, I like that I think how my body deserves to have some sort of exercise daily as much as possible...

What I don't like is how out of control things in my life have spun more and more out of control.  It has got to the point that I don't feel comfortable talking to everyone about it, I know they will say what they think will help... I can guarantee you it won't help.  What will help is not what I can have right now, luckily I have a few people that I can vent, cry or just talk with... I suddenly thought about possibly dating again, I don't know that anyone could get through the iron shield I have up, I just thought it might be good to go to dinner, a movie, the gym... a walk.  Something other than just me exercising, I need to incorporate a little fun into my life...
A big part of me is not sure it is a good idea but I have held back from dating because no matter how hard I tried to get over my David, I couldn't... I still can't... maybe I just need to try to have a little fun, I am completely positive that I don't want to get involved in anything heavy, just a little dating where I get out of the house and do something other that walk the track at the gym.. or he could go with me.  Anything to get out of the bubble I have my life in right now.  Basically I work, blog, follow blogs, exercise, sleep (and I do very little of the sleep).  That is just existing and not living ... It is time for me to open up my life and do something a little different. I am apologizing to all men up front, I won't be easy to get through to, I am not looking for the great romance of my life, I had that with my David.... I am just looking to relax and have fun.

The last thing I wanted to bring up was that a woman named Kenya G Johnson from Here's The Thing asked if the the tag line on my blog were my words... I said yes as I remember someone telling me I should have a tag line... I had a quote for a really long time and then I was inspired to put the latest tag line there. She thoughtfully made me the cutest pictures with my tag line which is below.  I was SO incredibly touched and I felt very special.  Drop over and check out her blog if you have a moment, she is a real sweet heart.

My First Successful 5K

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I walked/jogged my 5K, I competed and interestingly enough, I competed with me.  It is good to be in a group with other people but ultimately we compete with ourselves.  I felt free while jogging, feeling like I could go on forever but because I never put enough training in for this, I wouldn't allow myself to just keep going.   Eventually I will be able to jog a whole one and that is what I am committed to learning for the Spring.  I had a great deal to overcome in a very short time, I had to quit smoking, I had to lose over 50 pounds (53 to be exact) I still have another 35 pounds I want to take off.

Hear me and hear me now, I will not be too skinny, I will be 20 to 25 pounds over what doctors, Weight Watchers and such think I should be. If I were to go down to what they think is right for me, then I would be too thin.  I have NO desire to be too thin, I LOVE my curves, I love that I am shaped like a woman. I will have a bigger booty than most with a smaller waist, I am more than okay with that.  I have absolutely no desire to get down to a size 4-6-8... Not because I can't but because I don't want to, I would lose what I love most about my body, my curves.
So, I will be happy with a size 10-12-14 and I will look just fine and I will be healthy. Healthy because I will continue to exercise 5-6 days per week, I will do fun things like strength training, Zumba and I am looking into salsa dancing... Eventually I want to swim, once I tone some of my body up.  That will come with strength training. and some time.  I am 100% committed to really getting into shape.

So for my 5K, I completed it in 44:10 minutes, I was hoping to do it under 46:00 minutes, I did and I beat it by nearly 2 minutes.  That was wonderful.... Of course others did this in under 30 minutes and one day with training, I will be able to do that as well.  I have to learn how to breathe when I am running/jogging and I have to believe I can continue and not have a heart attack... lol.  When it was all done, I averaged a mile at 14.09 per minute... all I can say is WOW... so much better than I thought I was capable of... that is why I know I can and will get better.  I believe in myself and I have Faith that I will only get better.
I used this walk/jog to work out an issue that has been on my mind... I have been angry, sad, despondent, afraid, ticked beyond belief... What I am going to say here won't be enough but know that I plan to direct it to the right person, they need to know.  There was a breach in trust and when it all went down, it devastated me, made me feel that deep down, the trust I had with a person was only one sided... Otherwise you don't hide things from someone you trust and you don't blindside them.  Trust is about being there for someone, no matter what.  I have not changed that, I will be there for them... I will show them what trust really is.  Yes I am mad/angry and disappointed but this person will learn in time that they are the ones that had the lack of trust... it was never me... I was always there, as I always will be...
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

The Path That Is Leading Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am on my own tonight, that has not happened for a very long time... because my Cindy has been ill, I have Valentina all the time.  She used to spend a night at Cindy's house at least once per week, sometimes more... tonight Cindy was able to take her as I am participating in my 5K tomorrow.  I am excited that the day will finally be here, I plan to go to bed early and try to get as much rest as possible... I went for my last practice today and I am thrilled to say I kept my mile at an average of 14:42 per mile with a really large hill and another incline.  I don't want to make it easy for myself, that would be going on the track which is not what most 5K's are about.

In having this night for myself, I have time to think about things... It makes me wonder if what I always knew to be true was?  Or was it what I wanted it to be?  This past couple of weeks have opened my eyes in ways that I never knew they could be... I wrote the letter I needed to write but I haven't sent it... part of me wants to and the other part feels like it will finalize everything... What if I am not able to handle where the letter will take me?  What if it puts me in a place I can't come back from?  What if it changes everything?

Lately I am feeling like I have no one to just be myself with, everyone has so much going on, my Cindy is ill, really ill... I am very worried about her.  My David is busy with healing and other things, how I wish he and I could chat, I know it could change how I am feeling.  He always makes me laugh, he makes me see the sides of things I sometimes miss.  He is my best friend and he knows me inside out, no one knows me that well and I doubt that I would ever let anyone know me that well again.
Then again, I know my David that well too... as he has told me on many occasions... he has never been as opened with anyone as he has been with me, he feels safe with me as I feel safe with him... that's what friends do for each other, make each other feel safe.  He is the man I can always tell my secrets too and I will be the woman that will always be there for him... no matter what.  We will always be friends, nothing can change that, nothing ever will.  Just a couple of weeks ago, he told me that I am special to him and that I will always be that way to him and of course he is special to me. Sometimes life takes us on different paths but regardless of where his path and my path may lead, we will be intertwined as friends.

I am off to bed, I need to be up at 6:00 am as I need to be downtown for 8:00 am.  I will post the results tomorrow.  I am hoping to keep it under 46:00 minutes, I won't be running the whole thing but I will be walking as fast as possible, maybe next year I will be able to run the whole thing. I had a lot of weight I wanted to take off before I could actually run, it wouldn't have been good for my knees to put all that pressure on them, they are now starting to heal.  By next year I think they will be back to normal.

Thank you everyone for all the kind and encouraging words you have all given me, I am extremely grateful. This path I am on, the one to get healthy is one I will be on for the rest of my life and I am happy for that.  I am thankful that I finally see how important it is to eat healthy and to exercise too... I needed to do both together to be successful.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future  

My 5K Is Almost Here

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Seventeen weeks ago I started a journey to get healthy, it started because of one person and something they said, something that made me think I NEED to change my life NOW... Right NOW, not next week, not next month but Right NOW!!!  It was an urgency that I could not let go of... finally something that moved me to move me.  The first thing I had to do before I could do anything else was I had to quit smoking.  I never liked it, I knew I would not be able to exercise if I smoked, I knew I would not be successful unless I were to finally quit.  I quit cold turkey, I just stopped... was it hard?  The first week was hard but each day got easier, I am SO grateful that I finally quit, I am seventeen weeks free today.

Next I found something to get excited about to keep me successful, the contest was offered at work.  As everyone who reads my blog or knows me, knows I am highly competitive... it is really borderline obsessive. Truthfully no one had a chance, when I am competing I am focused.  Once I was focused, there was nothing to stop me, nothing but me and the more involved I became with eating healthy and walking, the more I wanted to excel.

Then I received an offer to train for a 5k through the internet, at first I thought whoa... could I actually handle a 5k?  My first mile that I walked took me a little over 22 minutes to complete... I was red, hot, breathing unevenly and actually wondering what I had got myself into?  However; I am competitive and I couldn't stop, so I continued walking... In the past 16 weeks I have almost always mapped my walk with the app Map My Walk and as of today I have walked over 311 miles (which is over 500 kilometers) ... I have recently walked a few miles under the 15 minute mark, I have shaved 7 minutes off my time in less than 16 weeks.  I am even able to jog and run a little but mostly I love to speed walk.

This week has been tough for me as I have been dealing with some very emotional incidents in the past two weeks... usually I immerse myself in walking even more, this week I have not been able to sleep.  Each night I lay my head down, the thoughts and feelings I am dealing with are forever jumping around in my brain and I end up having the most restless sleep if any... Last night was a breaking point for me and instead of exercising, I came home, took a sleeping pill and I was in bed at 7:00 pm... I slept until a little after 5:00 am... Not all through the night though, I woke up many times over... so even the pills are not helping.

Tomorrow I am going out for one last training for my 5k as I am walking/running it early Sunday morning.  I know I will be successful, I have done many of them over the past 16 weeks... I knew practicing them was the only way that I would succeed, each and every walk that I took, even the ones that took 15 minutes has helped me to gain the endurance that I will need to cross the finish line.  That first week that I walked, I never envisioned that I could or would do a 5k... my next goal will be a 10k... For me, always making new goals is what keeps me motivated these days.

I am looking forward to crossing the finish line of my first 5k, I know it will motivate me to go even farther and faster the next time.  Before I get into any other competitions, I have to sit down, write a letter and explain to the person that started all this, how they started it and also to explain why I cannot sleep these days... This lack of sleep is for a reason, I have known why, I have just not figured out how to get passed it... I realized the only way was telling this person why, then maybe... just maybe I will be able to sleep again.

First and foremost though, I will do what I need to get to the beginning of the 5k and to cross the finish line... one of the things we were told that made me smile was the trainers didn't care if we ran, walked or cartwheeled across that finish line, they just wanted us to get across it for the first time. I don't know if I will ever be a runner but I will always challenge myself to walk faster, jog a little and even run a little.  I never want to just settle and for this reason I will make more and more goals for myself as the years go by.

I am grateful that although the decision to become healthy came the way it did... maybe it came the only way I would listen... maybe it came the perfect way for me.  However it came, I cannot be more thankful, 53 pounds gone and I feel more alive physically than I have in years ... sometimes the emotional things are hard to deal with but I am taking them one day at a time, one emotional issue at a time... my first issue will be dealt with Sunday after my 5k has been completed.
I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future