I Am Going To Trust My Hopes, Not My Fears

"You must strive to become much less susceptible to influences outside of yourself and much more inclined to trust the instincts and feelings that lie within you." ~ Bob Proctor

That's a pretty powerful quote, I know that I have rarely relied upon my inner self and I didn't trust me to always make good decisions.  I constantly looked outside of me for the answers.  Not that there are not wonderful people with amazing ideas but I'm one of those people, I just need to believe that.

When and where did I stop believing in myself?  I know a lot of this starts at home and I never had that positive influence while I was growing up. I no longer have that excuse, I'm an adult.....  I will heal the little girl inside, she will feel the love from me that she so desperately needed growing up.

I also heard and incredibly eye opening thought tonight, I heard it and went, AHHH...  When we say 'I am fat, I am ugly, I am not worthy, I am unlovable, etc....  The truth is that what follows I am is what we become.  

So, going forward, I am healthy, I am beautiful, I am lovable, I am worthy....  For every negative I am thought, I am consciously going to change that thought to a positive I am thought.  I want this to become second nature, so that eventually a positive I am thought will happen immediately. 

What we think, we become.  I have even had Valentina start this, in the morning I say 'I am?  She has answered with, 'I am beautiful', 'I am smart', I am good at math'.  Here's the wonderful thing, she doesn't even hesitate, she just throws out positive I am's.  Exactly what I want to do when I say an I am thought!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Will Have The Courage To Fly

It's not until you have the courage to step off the ledge that you'll realize you've had wings all along. ~ Gail Lynne Goodwin

The quote above is true if very scary, it is always hard to take that first step and have faith that we'll have the wings to fly.  We have been promised that if we have faith, miracles can happen.  I've seen this happen in my life often.
When we feel as though we don't deserve miracles is when we need to embrace this even more. We most assuredly deserve wonderful awesome things in our lives.  It's our human side that makes us feel as if we are not good enough.  Just because we are alive means we deserve amazing things.

It's the human side of us that is sure because we made mistake after mistake that we don't deserve happiness.  I've felt this for years, I even felt this when my relationship with David didn't work out.

There was no reason that it didn't work out so I felt it must have been because I wasn't worthy?  Something awesome was given to me, only to say, ha ha... Did you really think after the way you lived your life that you deserved someone as kind as wonderful as David? 

It's taken me years to believe that I do deserve someone wonderful, kind and loving. Just because I've messed up in the past, that does not mean that I don't deserve to be loved by someone with their whole heart and soul.

Some people don't realize what they could have had and they waste their opportunity.  I'm not going to waste mine, my time will come...  I just have to believe and have faith.  Everything will work out as I know it was meant to.

I will open those wings and soar above the clouds.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Life Experiences Give Us The Opportunity To Strengthen Our True Character

The only way to get what you want is to risk being uncomfortable. The greater your gratitude for discomfort, the greater the opportunity. ~ Chris Cade

Some people raise us up, some people pull us down.  Why do we choose to waste our time on the one's who drag us down?  I think we (people who believe others can change) really believe that people are good underneath.  That isn't always true though, some people are out to hurt us no matter how good we are to them.

I've made a conscious decision to have people in my life who uplift me and care about me.  Life is too hard to have anything but the best people as your friends to support you.  I know that I have no desire to tear my friends down, I want them to be happy and successful. 

I heard something profound tonight, it made me cry because I realized I had been too wrapped up in other things, than taking care of myself.  I need to be thankful and grateful for the way circumstances have happened to me in my life.  From these things I have grown, the bigger the trial, the bigger the chance to grow.

So instead of looking at our trials as burdens we have to carry, we need to be really thankful for them as those trials have made us who we are.   If someone cannot appreciate that they could have had it all, that is their loss.  Each day I'm moving forward and building on being a better me and when the time comes as I know it will; I'll be there, not to mock and say I always knew exactly how everything would turn out.  I'll be there to understand and forgive; everyone makes mistakes, everyone can change.

 I'm really a forgiving person, I give people many chances.  I always forgive and move on, I don't want to waste any of my time or energy trying to figure out why someone would act like that.  I just move on and be happy.

Someone once told me that our life experiences teach us how to behave. But I believe our life experiences give us the opportunity to strengthen our true character. ~ Michelle Ernsdorff

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Hold On One Minute More, It Is There That You Will Succeed

I spent yesterday keeping up with my housework (not fun), I bought groceries (very much needed) and I went through all my favorite blogs and I got caught up (that was fun and interesting).   I even went into all my blogs and the one's that had the option to email me when a new post was ready, I enabled that feature. I'll be able to read them throughout the day, instead of saving them up for the evening/morning/weekend.

I wish everyone had the email option, it would make reading and commenting on blogs SO much easier for me.  Oh well, this bit will help me for now.

I always feel so uplifted and rejuvenated after I have caught up with my favorite blogs, each one has different thoughts and ideas that I always learn something from.  When I gain inspiration from another blogger, I always put that persons name and blog in my post. I want everyone to know where I was inspired from and by who.

I like to promote people who inspire me and make me think.  I was going to write a post yesterday as I was inspired but time got away from me and since I am working at keeping my house organized, I have to do what I can to keep it up. Also, I was a little weepy and I didn't want that to come through my blog.

I've been attempting to keep myself positive and uplifted.  It's not always easy but I keep doing it until I feel it.  Kind of like that saying, fake it till you make it.  Eventually, I will be my positive happy self, more in line with who I am and who I want to be.

My 'D' will be home soon (in Alberta of course) and I really missed him, it hasn't even been two weeks.  I don't know what I'm going to do when he goes on exercise in January for a month.  A month is a really long time with no contact, I'll have to write emails weekly just so I can get out what I need to say. 

These past couple of days have been difficult as I'm dealing with something.  I want to be successful and overcome anything that pulls me down or pulls me back from being the best me that I can be.  It's not always easy but I hold onto the fact that it will be worth it. I can overcome anything I put my mind to, I will be strong!

Thank you everyone for the positive thoughts and prayers, they are all very much appreciated.  I am succeeding day by day, overcoming what I need to with the help of everyone:)
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Learning To Love

I saw this quote on Susanna's blog Behind My Eyes .  She is the Latter Day Saint teenager who lives in Finland who has inspired me each time I read her posts for the past 9-10 months.  These are all simple, yet very true ways to bring love into your life.

I also read an article on how if we missed hugs or love when we were children that we need to just hug people until we feel comfortable with it and the same goes about love.... this goes for about anything.  I know this is true when I was overwhelmed with how my home was out of control.  I kept saying, I wish I had the energy to get it organized, I just had to take the first step and start, I kept moving forward and my home finally became a place where I can feel pleased and grateful and I did it all with taking the first step.
I have started using this process in many aspects of my life, with work, I am just taking on cases that normally I would beg someone else to handle, now I am making the time to understand how something works.  I am also using it with exercise, I am putting the effort forward to walk as much as possible, so that I will be ready to pick up running when I am given the green light from the doctor.

I am going to start watching TV again soon and I am making it mandatory to exercise in some way to have the privilege of being able to watch any shows... believe me, I will really have to want to watch the show as I know I won't want to exercise for 3-5 hours per day.  I think I might be good for an hour... or less!  Then again, the more TV I watch the thinner I will get... lol.
I was truly inspired by the quote above, I really think if we all took one or two of these items each day and worked on making them a part of our lives that before you know it, love would be a huge part of us.  The more we love, the more we draw love to us...  So pick a couple, listen (without interrupting), speak (without accusing), give (without sparing), pray (without ceasing), answer (without arguing), share (without pretending), enjoy (without complaint), trust (without wavering), forgive (without punishing), promise (without forgetting).
I am going to enjoy without complaining and give without sparing to start with, I plan to add to these as I move forward.  I know I will have challenges and trials, I am going to work on remembering that trials will help me grow.  That is not so easy while I am going through a challenge but I am going to make a concerted effort to remind myself daily.

I have a very large challenge in front of me, I am requesting any prayers or positive thoughts.  I am more than willing to do the same for anyone who needs prayers or positive thoughts as well. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Friends And Frenemies

I read another great blog by Joy from Joy's Journal Thoughts.  She wrote about how some friendships change no matter how hard we work on them.  I know what she means, I had what I thought was a very good friend for well over 20 years.

We became friends the summer of 1978 before we headed into grade 10.  We shared a locker and hung out with each other non stop.  She became pregnant when she was 17 and 4 months after she had her first daughter I had Andrea.  Her daughter and mine became the best of friends.
My friend and I went through highs and lows over the years, me forgiving her time and again for disrespecting me and going after any man I dated.  She usually succeeded, until I dated Tony and he was disgusted by her, that's saying a lot as he had no idea how to be faithful himself.

After Tony and I separated she and I over looked the past and became friends again.  We connected like crazy and we hung out all the time.  We went to all the latest movies, went to lunch or dinner at least once a week, played board games endlessly and talked for hours

Then she and I went out dancing downtown one night and true to form she let me down again by not leaving with me, I walked home that night.  Of course she called the next day very apologetic, she had met a man, a Russian guy.  Within a month I ended up meeting Andrey through them, we started hanging out together as couples.
Oh, did I fail to tell you she was married with 4 children, she talked about leaving her husband, I told her I couldn't judge her for that but that I could not understand her leaving her children.  However; she up and left her family for this man.  Our friendship went down hill after this as Andrey didn't like her but it wasn't so much that he didn't like her as he wanted total control over me.

Once Andrey and I broke up he even ended up 'dating' her.  At this point I could have cared less.  I no longer wanted to demean myself and be 'friends' with her.  I more than likely will never speak to her again, I've forgiven her as none of those men really meant anything to me but I'll never give her another chance to hurt me again.
From what I've heard through the years, she and the Russian guy finally separated after she destroyed her family. I don't know very much about what she's doing now and frankly I rarely think about her.  The only thing I missed was the type of friendship we had, where we hung out together all the time.

I really think that I was starved for that type of friendship when David came back into my life. He and I connected on a deeper level than I ever thought possible.  We have the same kind of crazy humor where we could laugh non stop and we both loved to talk endlessly.  Oh yes I can talk but so can David.

Some friendships are worth working on to save, others need to be let go and move on. The older I get the easier it is to tell these friends apart.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

You're Not Alone

Never feel you are alone. You have angels, guides and loved ones watching over you and guiding you through your journey here in the physical world. ~ Matt Fraser

This quote reminds me what I should always remember, I am not alone....  I have many people from the past and present who are watching over me, showing me the path if I just listen.  Isn't that the whole thing, we just need to listen and act upon those feelings. 
I remember a time when I was younger, in my twenties and I was despondent due to my life circumstances.   A very good friend came over to see me and brought me a lovely church talk with the song 'You're Not Alone'.  I never forgot that song and I held onto it for years when I felt as if it was just me.

Throughout my life I've had it proved to me over and over that I am not alone. When life becomes difficult and unbearable, something always happens that gives me hope to know everything will be okay.  These are the words to that song that reminds me to just hold on.

Michael McLean, “You’re Not Alone,” New Era, Jan 1984, 12–13

Here’s a little song to help you get along.
It will see you through when you’re feeling blue.
And though it’s not profound when you’re feeling down, so down,
Sing this little tune, and you’ll feel better soon.
You’re not alone, even when you’re feeling on your own,
You are loved in ways that can’t be shown; your needs are known;
You’re not alone.
And when you cry, you’re just letting go of heartache deep inside,
And tomorrow there’ll be sunshine and sky and love close by;
You’re not alone.
And we know that it’s not easy, but we know that it won’t last,
’cause one that loves you more than me is sending blessings fast.
You’re not alone, say it one more time,
“I’m not alone,”
And even when it’s hard to find the words, our prayers are heard;
We’re not alone.
You’re not alone. 

I love the words because they are simple, the writer is real when he says the song is not profound but humming the song or singing the words have led me to profound moments.   Every now and than, I just need to be reminded that I am not alone, none of us are.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Opening Up To My Purpose

There are days like today where I wish I could just open up and say whatever was on my mind but I think that would be far more information than I'm willing to share about myself yet.  I just need a good long talk with David and I don't know when that might be.

Once he gets back from his exercise he has to go to the hospital for surgery (which I will pray like crazy for him).  Then he'll be recuperating for awhile, I figure we won't be able to have a long conversation for about a month or so.  I'm so NOT good at waiting, hence my need to spill my thoughts somewhere.

I've been so wrapped up in keeping the house clean and organized that I have been neglecting my blogging friends.  By the time I get my blog done, get dishes or laundry done, I then have to pick up the constant clutter that Valentina tends to leave around. I am so exhausted at this point I crawl into bed and pass out.

I really need to find some time to get caught up, I really miss everyone's blogs that I follow, here's a link to a few of my Some Of My Favorite Blogs, there are quite a few more that I have emailed to me.  I learn so much from reading everyone's thoughts and life lessons.  One of the most inspiring blogs that I follow is The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp, he inspires me daily to be the best me.

I'm getting my life more centered on my purpose but there are a few key things I need to work on right now and one of them involves sharing myself totally with someone and I would prefer it was with my 'D'.  He's the least bit judgmental person I know, so I feel comfortable being open with him. 

Sadly of all my family and friends, he is the only one I can be totally honest with, other people are wonderful but not as understanding.  I wish for a time that we could all be understanding of each other and where we realize we all are only human.

Breaking The Cycle With The Truth

Accepting ourselves is the first step of love. Only then do we allow ourselves to shine! ~ Jill Douka

I'm on my way to work, listening to music and pondering the words.  I really have to redo my song list and get rid of most of the sad songs. They are not doing anything for me right now, maybe in the future I'll be able to listen to them fondly. For now I only feel sadness while listening to them, which means I'm not ready to listen to them yet.

I want to shine, I want to be all that I was meant to be so I'm going to have to change some aspects of my life to align myself with my purpose.  If I allowed it, my sadness could engulf me and control my every thought.  I don't want anything having that kind of control over me.

I will be strong enough to overcome each of my weaknesses and turn them into strengths.  I've been weak and unsuccessful in the past because I tried to hide my flaws.  I will never change those things about myself without being completely honest and open.

I need to do that with some people in my life then I'll open up here.  I'm hoping that by opening myself up that I'll finally break the cycle of bad behavior and that I'll become victorious.  

I've also been thinking of how I refuse to give up and grow up.  I don't ever want to be a typical grandmother, I will never give into the age thing where I just give in and let myself go.  Too many women give up when they hit my age and I want to ask them why?  Why do they not want to look their best for themselves?  I know that when I go out, I want to look my best. I don't want to look as if I don't care.  Looks are definitely not everything but why wouldn't we want to look our best.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Managing My Stress

Today was one of those lazy days, I woke up early... fell back asleep, woke up again to eat breakfast, then back for another nap... so relaxing.  I really needed a day like this, it rejuvenates me. We are coming into our very busy time at work, it is year end for us, so we will be extremely insane for the next few months. 

I have one long weekend coming up in November, I plan to just relax and do a few things just for me.  I will have to make sure I keep everything as organized as I have been, it makes like so much easier.  I am going to have to be on Valentina more, she is rather lazy and she always says she is going to do it later... later becomes me. So going forward we are going to take a 5 minute walk around to make sure everything is picked up and put away.
I refuse to fall back into that pattern where my house was out of control and where I didn't care, I care now... I like how clean it is, I love knowing where everything is and not just guessing.  So, I am overcoming my own laziness and loving how I have made my home a home.

In January I am starting my accounting course while I am going through year end, the only way to accomplish this is to keep organized.  You know what I have found through this purging is that I am so much more relaxed, I don't dread where to start, I don't feel overwhelmed.  I feel at ease, I can see that everything is manageable. 

Today I don't waste time searching for items, I have more time to spend with Valentina, I made my own applesauce which I then made into and cake.  We had a lot of fun measuring and mixing then finally getting to test it out, she told me she loved it.  This weekend has been a really good weekend for Valentina, she had a fun party on Saturday and today she got to make a cake.

I am off to bed now, another full week ahead of me but I am going to make sure I take an hour or so a week just for me, reading a book, listening to music, talking with a friend.  It will help keep me centered, than my D will be home, I really miss talking to him... he always makes me laugh and he knows just what to say.  Also back to my healthy eating of salad and rice meals again.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Changing My Outerworld To Match My Inner World

I started this cleanse I'm on so that I could get back on the right path, I had strayed so far that I was unable to see where I knew I should be.  I'm only a little over 60 days in and although I haven't been perfect on this cleanse, I have moved forward in great strides.

One, I've been eating very healthy except for the occasional treat; food can be rather boring and bland if you don't mix it up here and there.  What I don't want to happen is that I feel so deprived I go over board and undo all my hard work. Salad is really yummy but truthfully, I can only eat so much salad before my body rebels.

Two, I have cut back on social media so that it doesn't own me anymore; that feels good.  I have control right now, I don't want to go back down that path where it owned me. I want a real life where I actually see people and talk to them, not just liking a Facebook status.

Three, I de cluttered my house, that feels beyond amazing.  I am loving the organization.  I still have some spots that need work but I'm headed in the right direction.  I would not mind anyone just dropping in on me, I would welcome my friends with open arms.  When my house was out of control, I wouldn't have let anyone in.

Four, my blog was becoming so depressing because of how sad I was; I'm feeling more hopeful.  I feel lighter and happier; not that joyous happiness I've had in the past but that peaceful happiness I need to live with more brightness. I'm able to see that light at the end of the tunnel, the one that I knew was there but couldn't see.

Five, I'm learning to say I can even when I feel that I can't because the truth is that I can set my mind to do whatever needs to be done. I've done this with work and my knowledge is growing so quickly I'm even surprising myself.

I'm giving myself a break on this cleanse at the end of this month. I'm going to allow a little TV and social media; my 'D' will be back from his exercise but than he's going in for surgery and he will be off work for 4 weeks.  I'm worried and praying for him; I want to be there for him in anyway that I can.

I'm going to stick with most of the food part as I really don't need all the refined sugar and wheat that I used to eat.  I will allow myself an occasional treat, much like I've been doing.  I want to continue to lose weight and become healthier.  I really want to exercise and as soon as the doctor tells me its okay, I'm going to start running.

This cleanse has done most of what I needed, I'm back on the path.  I'm not exactly where I want to be but I'm so much closer than I was over 2 months ago.  I'm feeling direction in my life, which makes me happier. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Light Can Come Through Darkness

Don't confuse your path with your destination.  Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine ~ Unknown

The quote above reminds me that no matter how dark and stormy the path looks at any given time that life does have a way of being sunny at times, it always finds a way.  The sunny times help to strengthen us so that we can get through the difficult times of our lives.  I know it's not easy... believe me, I know.  Life isn't easy and it isn't fair but there are rewards and good things happen to make it easier to handle. 

I want to be the kind of woman that looks at my life and is grateful for the strength that I have to overcome the dark times in my life.  I don't want the dark time to take over my life and make me bitter which will only leave me sad and alone.  I don't want the hard times to win out and break me down so much that I never see the sunny days... I want to look forward to those sunny times that get me through each difficult time.

Now that my days are coming into a sunny time, I can clearly see that I was in one of the darkest times of my life for the past eight months or so.  I didn't handle money well, I allowed my house to get out of control, I allowed myself to sit day after day in sadness because I felt there would never be a light again.  There is a light, there always is... even when we believe it won't happen.  However; sometimes the light comes and we are too deep in our sadness to see it, this is the saddest thing as we are given a light and we miss it because we are so engrossed in our disappointments.

I don't think it is wrong to be sad at times, it's only normal to feel down occasionally but we I really need to remember that these times won't last and that life will get better.  I may not have my hearts desire yet but I am truly blessed. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield