Ten Things I Love About My Mom

My Valentina gave me her mother's day gift to me early, she was so excited and when I saw it and read her thoughts about me, I was really touched... I posted the picture on Facebook but I still wanted to post it here too and write the list of ten things she wrote that made me feel special. 

She did this in school, they had to come up with ten things they love about their mom...

1.  She loves me.  I do, I feel blessed to have her in my life, she is kind, sweet, loving and thoughtful .

2.  She calls me ducky.  I think it's a cute nick name, I have few of them for my children... she likes this one.

3.  She calls me Baby.  She love this one the most, it's because she will always be my baby, no matter how   big she gets.

4.  She is kind.  Awe... this is so sweet.

5.  I love her.  I love her too, it's mutual... we say this to each other many times per day.

6.  I love when she kisses me.  I love our bedtime ritual when I get her all snuggled in and kiss her cheek or forehead.

7.  She cares about me.  I am grateful that she knows that... sometimes I am busy and I'm not sure she is aware that she is as important to me as she is.

8.  She calls me hunny bunny...  Don't get me wrong, I love her name Valentina and I say it often.. I just love little nick names for both my children.

9.  We share things together.  We do this.. we don't share enough time together though, that is something I really need to work on... I so enjoy when I make the time to spend with her.

10. She understands me.  I am thankful that she feels this, I always try to see her point of view and let her know that her thoughts are very important.

Valentina at three months, this is one of her favorite pictures.

Valentina now, she is almost ten... she almost always has a big smile for me which brightens my day.

I am going to get this little art work of hers framed, it is sweet that she came up with some really thoughtful reasons why she loves me.  After the day I had on Thursday, she turned it around for me by giving me this special keepsake. Most gifts that we treasure from our children are the ones they make that come from the heart. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Why Am I Never Enough?

Today was one of those days, it's raining a lot here and my mood was matching the weather... I had a mini melt down at work (not work related)... I ended up leaving so that I wouldn't make a total fool of myself since I started to cry and I didn't stop for a few hours... not that I cried the whole time but I was highly emotional for close to four hours...

I started beating myself up and I wasn't able to get control of it... I am glad I left work, I needed to just be home where I could cry it out and blog.  So, I sit here trying to analyze myself, wondering what it is about me that makes it so hard for someone to love me?  I question myself and think... is it because I am too fat?... I am a big girl... is it because of my scars?  Am I too much of myself? (I can be overwhelming with my emotions)...

When I start questioning these thoughts, I realize that I have very little self esteem...  Every time I think I have gained some self worth, a day like this happens and takes all that I have worked for away... It then feels like I have to start from scratch all over again... It is exhausting to continually build myself back up... but my tenacity doesn't allow me to quit.  It keeps pushing me to keep working at it, keep trying...

I think the thing that irks me the most is when someone tells me how strong I am...  I am but it bothers me to hear it sometimes... just because I have days like this, days where I paint a smile on my face and I act the part, where I hide everything inside.  But because I do that... I end up with a day like this, where I lose control and cry.  Which makes me realize that I have to start letting it out a little at a time... otherwise I will have another one of these days.

My mom told me that until the time I was six years old that I had tons of self confidence, I had lots of play mates and that I didn't get upset if children were mean to me about my scars... my mother taught me love... I remember a time that I was taking the school bus home and I decided not to get off the bus at my stop, instead I went to my friends for lunch.  My mother was frantic, the girls parents called my mom and I was returned home where my mother instantly hugged me.  I could tell she was worried but I also felt that she wasn't angry at me, I felt loved.

Unfortunately I didn't get to live with my mother, I ended up living with my father after my parents separated and he decided to live with my psycho ex step mother Ruth.  Where we lived in fear basically, my sister Shelly accidentally broke an elastic band and she was beat for that, she was five years old.  We always sat on pins and needles wondering when her hand would just fly out and whack one of us in the head.  Unbelievable that anyone would do this to a child.... destroying their self esteem.... 

I don't have these feelings of low self worth every day... most days I am very upbeat... It's like I get hit with a challenge.. which I don't handle very well immediately, then I start questioning everything about myself.. I start to think I must not be enough.  This whole process frustrates me, I wish I could stop the doubts about my self worth.  I know I am a good, kind, forgiving, caring, loving person... I have lots of flaws too but everyone does... Some days though I always return to the question... Why am I never enough?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥