My Better Judgement

I have been living my life in a bubble for the last month, I have been so focused on one thing and one thing only.  I have neglected everything for this one thing, mostly I have neglected myself. I cannot believe that I allowed myself to become so focused on one thing again. I never learn, I keep doing this because for some nutty reason I neglect to learn the lesson attached so that I can move on.  I have had the nerve in my 20's to be so damn judgmental, now I reflect on that girl and how far I have come in my life. I brought myself up from no where, I was 18 and on social assistance with a grade 11 education. I worked so hard to get my GED and go to community college. I wanted a better life, I wanted to take care of myself. Well I did that, I can take care of me and I can take care of Valentina money wise but everything else has fallen apart with me wanting to be so independent, I sacrificed myself along the way.

I gained a ton of experience and I am not sure that I would want to change them, it made me who I am today, I like myself as a person but I am not happy with my behavior. What I mean by that is that I have always been a very honest and direct kind of person, I don't play around with wondering, I know if I like someone almost immediately. I usually read people well, some have hidden their real self long enough for me to care about them, those are the worst. I like the direct and honest approach and I have just been sitting around waiting, waiting, I have to ask myself for what, nothing or no one is going to just hop into my life.

I am going to have to get out there, get back to the gym, blog more, spend more time outdoors this summer and get my license. I just needed to re focus but before I take this on 100 percent, I am going to have to take the direct and honest approach and hope it gives me an edge in getting what I want in life.

The past two years of my life has been on a downward spiral, all because of one night.  I have been so desperately in need of re learning to love myself that I took it as finding something or someone to make me feel loved.   Not always the best ideas in the past year, tons of things against my better judgment but at least I think I have learned the lesson, I really hope so, I am tired of trying to learn the same thing over and over
It's exhausting and boring.  I am really going to go on a limb to see if there is anyway I can have what I really want in my life.

I will live with the consequences as the end goal is worthy of the effort I have put into attaining this one thing, I have to give in one last try. At least I will have a chance and then I will know for sure one way or the other so I can move on if it doesn't work out the way I hope.

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