The Path That Is Leading Me

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I am on my own tonight, that has not happened for a very long time... because my Cindy has been ill, I have Valentina all the time.  She used to spend a night at Cindy's house at least once per week, sometimes more... tonight Cindy was able to take her as I am participating in my 5K tomorrow.  I am excited that the day will finally be here, I plan to go to bed early and try to get as much rest as possible... I went for my last practice today and I am thrilled to say I kept my mile at an average of 14:42 per mile with a really large hill and another incline.  I don't want to make it easy for myself, that would be going on the track which is not what most 5K's are about.

In having this night for myself, I have time to think about things... It makes me wonder if what I always knew to be true was?  Or was it what I wanted it to be?  This past couple of weeks have opened my eyes in ways that I never knew they could be... I wrote the letter I needed to write but I haven't sent it... part of me wants to and the other part feels like it will finalize everything... What if I am not able to handle where the letter will take me?  What if it puts me in a place I can't come back from?  What if it changes everything?

Lately I am feeling like I have no one to just be myself with, everyone has so much going on, my Cindy is ill, really ill... I am very worried about her.  My David is busy with healing and other things, how I wish he and I could chat, I know it could change how I am feeling.  He always makes me laugh, he makes me see the sides of things I sometimes miss.  He is my best friend and he knows me inside out, no one knows me that well and I doubt that I would ever let anyone know me that well again.

Then again, I know my David that well too... as he has told me on many occasions... he has never been as opened with anyone as he has been with me, he feels safe with me as I feel safe with him... that's what friends do for each other, make each other feel safe.  He is the man I can always tell my secrets too and I will be the woman that will always be there for him... no matter what.  We will always be friends, nothing can change that, nothing ever will.  Just a couple of weeks ago, he told me that I am special to him and that I will always be that way to him and of course he is special to me. Sometimes life takes us on different paths but regardless of where his path and my path may lead, we will be intertwined as friends.

I am off to bed, I need to be up at 6:00 am as I need to be downtown for 8:00 am.  I will post the results tomorrow.  I am hoping to keep it under 46:00 minutes, I won't be running the whole thing but I will be walking as fast as possible, maybe next year I will be able to run the whole thing. I had a lot of weight I wanted to take off before I could actually run, it wouldn't have been good for my knees to put all that pressure on them, they are now starting to heal.  By next year I think they will be back to normal.

Thank you everyone for all the kind and encouraging words you have all given me, I am extremely grateful. This path I am on, the one to get healthy is one I will be on for the rest of my life and I am happy for that.  I am thankful that I finally see how important it is to eat healthy and to exercise too... I needed to do both together to be successful.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

My 5K Is Almost Here

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Seventeen weeks ago I started a journey to get healthy, it started because of one person and something they said, something that made me think I NEED to change my life NOW... Right NOW, not next week, not next month but Right NOW!!!  It was an urgency that I could not let go of... finally something that moved me to move me.  The first thing I had to do before I could do anything else was I had to quit smoking.  I never liked it, I knew I would not be able to exercise if I smoked, I knew I would not be successful unless I were to finally quit.  I quit cold turkey, I just stopped... was it hard?  The first week was hard but each day got easier, I am SO grateful that I finally quit, I am seventeen weeks free today.

Next I found something to get excited about to keep me successful, the contest was offered at work.  As everyone who reads my blog or knows me, knows I am highly competitive... it is really borderline obsessive. Truthfully no one had a chance, when I am competing I am focused.  Once I was focused, there was nothing to stop me, nothing but me and the more involved I became with eating healthy and walking, the more I wanted to excel.

Then I received an offer to train for a 5k through the internet, at first I thought whoa... could I actually handle a 5k?  My first mile that I walked took me a little over 22 minutes to complete... I was red, hot, breathing unevenly and actually wondering what I had got myself into?  However; I am competitive and I couldn't stop, so I continued walking... In the past 16 weeks I have almost always mapped my walk with the app Map My Walk and as of today I have walked over 311 miles (which is over 500 kilometers) ... I have recently walked a few miles under the 15 minute mark, I have shaved 7 minutes off my time in less than 16 weeks.  I am even able to jog and run a little but mostly I love to speed walk.

This week has been tough for me as I have been dealing with some very emotional incidents in the past two weeks... usually I immerse myself in walking even more, this week I have not been able to sleep.  Each night I lay my head down, the thoughts and feelings I am dealing with are forever jumping around in my brain and I end up having the most restless sleep if any... Last night was a breaking point for me and instead of exercising, I came home, took a sleeping pill and I was in bed at 7:00 pm... I slept until a little after 5:00 am... Not all through the night though, I woke up many times over... so even the pills are not helping.

Tomorrow I am going out for one last training for my 5k as I am walking/running it early Sunday morning.  I know I will be successful, I have done many of them over the past 16 weeks... I knew practicing them was the only way that I would succeed, each and every walk that I took, even the ones that took 15 minutes has helped me to gain the endurance that I will need to cross the finish line.  That first week that I walked, I never envisioned that I could or would do a 5k... my next goal will be a 10k... For me, always making new goals is what keeps me motivated these days.

I am looking forward to crossing the finish line of my first 5k, I know it will motivate me to go even farther and faster the next time.  Before I get into any other competitions, I have to sit down, write a letter and explain to the person that started all this, how they started it and also to explain why I cannot sleep these days... This lack of sleep is for a reason, I have known why, I have just not figured out how to get passed it... I realized the only way was telling this person why, then maybe... just maybe I will be able to sleep again.

First and foremost though, I will do what I need to get to the beginning of the 5k and to cross the finish line... one of the things we were told that made me smile was the trainers didn't care if we ran, walked or cartwheeled across that finish line, they just wanted us to get across it for the first time. I don't know if I will ever be a runner but I will always challenge myself to walk faster, jog a little and even run a little.  I never want to just settle and for this reason I will make more and more goals for myself as the years go by.

I am grateful that although the decision to become healthy came the way it did... maybe it came the only way I would listen... maybe it came the perfect way for me.  However it came, I cannot be more thankful, 53 pounds gone and I feel more alive physically than I have in years ... sometimes the emotional things are hard to deal with but I am taking them one day at a time, one emotional issue at a time... my first issue will be dealt with Sunday after my 5k has been completed.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥