I Like The View Of The Path I Am On

I have been having a rough road for the past 8 months, last week being one of the most rough ones, next to the first week or two right after... I had some times tougher than I have ever had.  I lost a great deal which was harder than I ever thought possible. The pain was greater than every other pain combined.

Then I started feeling a shift within myself the last few posts and how I could really feel so many people hoping, wishing, praying that I find happiness... joy... peace.  I realized with that many people wanting this for me, that I would be able to get through the dark tunnel I was in.  Lo and behold I have started coming out of it.

I know it took believing I could get through and honestly I didn't believe it for myself, not until the many, many heart felt comments that have either been emailed to me, placed on my blog, Twittered....  I could really feel that the good energy was out there, I am completely grateful for that ... I needed people to believe in me when I was having a hard time believing in myself.

It all changed on a dime and I can see that light now that alluded me for so long ... along the way though I lost touch with my very best friend. Also, I found out that although I had always been honest and open, that others I have known have not always been as open with me.  I know that I live my life with wild abandon and I have wonderful times... then it also flips to some of the hardest times... Although this last one was very long, almost unbearable, I feel like I might be able to say it was worth it for what I gained.

This last year I gained myself back, I had lost me.... not sure I had ever really known me.   Once I started to lose the weight, it also helped me to see things in a different light... I have written about this before but it needs to be said again, I learned to love myself where I was, I gained a confidence that I had never had before.  I know I still have some work to do with that but at least I am on the way.  If tonight is any indication to what is to come, I have to say I like the view of the path I am on... The light is starting to shine through ♥

(I won't be able to respond to everyone until Saturday, I have an activity planned tomorrow but I cannot wait to catch up with everyone...)

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The Lies We Tell Ourselves‏ Are The Worst Ones

I've been thinking about how wrong I was about so many things and so many people... I think it's why I don't want to trust myself anymore; because although people have lied to me over the years... the worst lies are the ones I've told myself.

I feel I was lied to... I feel betrayed... I don't know how I could feel less.  I asked the hard questions and I was told lies... lies to make me feel better at the time.  It would have been more merciful to be honest from the beginning.

Instead I paddled about holding on to the lies that were told to me... Everything was as it was and I believed the lies over the sad truth that was never told to me.  Now I'm paying the bigger price. Why did I believe the lies?  The words that were meant to make things better? ... not for me... they made things worse... just as lies always do.

I'm not looking for karma for anyone... I unfortunately believe that happens anyway.  I don't want to see the outcome of all the lies, it would actually make me sad to see anyone feel even a small part of my pain. I wish for peace ... I wish for honesty, even if it brings pain... because although honesty can bring sadness and pain... lies destroy us in a much bigger way.

I wanted so badly to lay everything out, I have the written words to prove I was told lies... I wanted to deflect the pain away but I knew that my returning the favor wouldn't bring me peace.  It wouldn't bring peace to anyone... there would just be more pain to deal with. I don't even need to hear that the words were lies... I know they were... I believed them all...  besides I have already forgiven the lies.  Always say the truth, even if you're afraid...Especially say the truth to yourself because the worst lies are the ones you tell yourself...

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