Love Wins, Love Always Wins

I have been very busy these days, with keeping the house clean, working and getting Valentina ready for school. Every time I have sat down to write, I would create half a post and then think I'll come back and finish it... however; once I find time to write again, I find my thoughts on the post gone. So I start another one... Three times so far... and it isn't that I haven't wanted to write, it has been more that my thoughts are all over the place.

I think it is because I have been watching too much news, something I had basically given up for many years due to the negativity I feel when I watched it... who needs that? Yet, there have been some very important things going on in the world lately, some of which I believe we need to be well informed on. I won't be giving my opinion on anything one way or the other but I will say this... I often have to pull back and watch a funny show like The Big Bang Theory or an old episode of FRIENDS.  We all need a little laugh from time to time so that the negativity doesn't sink in.

I often think of the uplifting quotes from Martin Luther King... I totally agree with what he said above, I will stick with love, hate is too much of a burden. I think too many of us hold on to hate for much too long. We think if we let go of hate, we are saying what happened to make us hate something is okay. It's not saying that at all, I think by holding onto hate that we breed more hate, I don't want that in my life, I want love.

For myself, I think about how my ex step mother Ruth used the excuse that my father cheated on her to abuse my sisters and me ... she held onto hate... I got to a point in my life at the age of 15 where I knew in my heart that hating her would only hurt me... I moved on and forgave her. My life could have gone one way by holding onto hate but thankfully I chose the other path. It was the best choice I made at such a young age... you would think that it would have been easy for me to choose love over hate.

It wasn't as I'm human... I could have hated Andrey for raping me but I found a way to forgive him and move forward, I didn't want to hold that feeling with me for the rest of my life, it was destroying me inside. Once I stopped hating him I was able to deal with the pain and move forward... Another good choice I made as the road I was on lead nowhere but to darkness. I saw so many good things that came from choosing loving myself over hating someone because I feel that's what choosing love over hate is...

I find what's going on in this this world today, there is so much hate out there which makes me believe even more that we need to choose love ... and yes it is a choice, at least is for me. Each time I have 'chosen' love... I have seen more love grow in my life. I honestly hope that others will look within themselves and see that choosing hate won't change anything for the good... choosing love is the only way... The truth is that love wins, love always wins....

 

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Our Characters Are Our Choices

Before I start writing, I wanted to let you all know I have made a huge dent in getting organized and decluttering... there is still quite a bit to do but my old bedroom is pretty well ready for me to work from home when it all comes together and my bed is in my living room. It looks pretty good, I am going to buy a partition... just so I can divide it up a little more. I am really feeling like it's all coming together... I am grateful that there was a solution.

I have never had a difficult time writing, usually I sit down and it comes out... I have been thrown for a bit of loop this week. Have you ever thought you knew someone? Really knew them? There are very few people in my life that I have felt that close to, so when a revelation comes out that basically changes their whole character to you, it can blow you away... I know it blew me away. I honestly thought there was very little that could change my mind but this did, when someone can agree with ideas that are decisive and perpetrate hate... 

It makes me wonder if I ever really knew them at all... It amazes me how people can hide who they are that deeply. I am not trying to be judgmental at all as it's not something I ever want to be... however; it hurts my heart to know that they could agree with such unkind and mean thoughts... I thought they were about love, I thought they were a very good person... Was it that I was blinded and refused to see this side of them? Or could I have been deceived so easily?

This whole thing has flipped my world upside down, to the point that changed my feelings for them... I don't much feel anything about them, not good, not bad... just distant. If that makes any sense? I have gone over the many conversations I had with them, trying to understand where this all came from... yet I don't remember even detecting any of it... I am a free thinker, I believe we all have the right to have our opinions and I am not confrontational but this is more than I can agree with... sometimes we have to stand up for what we believe in, even if it means that others don't agree. 

What this has done to me this week has made me question all my relationships... I guess we don't honestly know anyone totally... although I did believe that I at least knew the important things about a persons character. We are our character, we don't have a lot more than that... It makes me a bit sad that I am doubting so many other relationships, wondering if they will change so suddenly too... The truth is that I am about love and forgiveness... I am not perfect in anyway, nor do I ever claim to be...

When someone cannot forgive, it breaks my heart because I know that it will only hold them back, I know that it is their choice though and that I cannot make their decisions for them... That is why even though I have been rocked by this persons character and hurt to know that this was who they were deep down...  I must forgive them ... for me. I know it won't happen overnight but I also know that I cannot live with the feelings I have for them now... wondering what other things they buried about them themselves.  All I know is that I have been and always will be the character I portray...

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Joy Is Within

 I have been thinking about this post for a while, I have wanted to pick a word that I could ponder and incorporate in my life for this year and beyond. I had some great words and last week when I started writing about it, it never materialized... then a few friends gave me suggestions and I would think, oh... that's a good one. Yet nothing would come to me when I would think about writing about it. I spent my Sunday relaxing and catching up on all the blogs I follow... I knew I wanted to write tonight and when I came in to sit down... the word Joy came into my mind.... it's been something I have been thinking about for a while..

I have not felt joy for a very long time and this is the year I want to change that, it all started with forgiving her... I have to say, it feels good, she is still there, doing what she does best but I don't care anymore... what I care about is changing my mind and heart so that I can feel joy again. I have been so wrapped up in what I lost, what I don't have and what I feel the future holds for me that I was unable to see that nothing is set in stone, things change.. that is a part of life. What is the point of me being sad and not feeling joy? 

After injuring myself in November to the point that I couldn't exercise, I used that as an excuse to question why? Have I not had enough challenges, trials, losses? What was the point of me continuing to take care of myself when it seemed like an injury could come along and take away the little good I felt I had in my life. Believe me, whenever I was stressed I walked, whenever I was sad, I walked... I used walking to avoid my feelings. After being injured I had to start thinking about those feelings ... they were pretty difficult to deal with, so I tried to ignore them and eat. 

However; that is not acceptable to me any longer, I can't use that as an excuse to not take care of myself.... I started taking care of myself by forgiving her and I have been working on my surroundings, slowly getting that together.  Next was the word and I know it is a bit late coming but it finally came to me and I realize it's not just a word I want for 2016... it's a word I want to give thought about for my life. The truth for me is if there isn't joy, what is there?

Every last one of us has challenges, things that can drain us emotionally, physically and spiritually... if we don't have something to hold onto to get us through that... how are we to believe it can get better. For me, it is joy... it is much more than happiness.. it's a feeling that is possible even when a trial is happening because I know that no matter how challenging a trial is, joy will be there again. Somewhere along the line I lost that ability to see that as I was in a place I thought I would never get out of... so I questioned how could I feel joy again? Joy never left me, I just had a hard time seeing it. 

I have decided that one of the ways I am going to bring joy into my life is each day I will either write something down that I am grateful for, talk about it with someone or I will take a few minutes a day to ponder something I have gratitude for... Sometimes it is the small things that bring the biggest joy... I learned a great deal this past few weeks by forgiving her... I learned that joy is inside us, we just have to look within...

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Freedom Is The Path I Choose

 Have you ever sat down to write something and been certain what you wanted to say, only to find that while you are trying to write something, it keeps going in another direction? This rarely happens to me as I get an idea, I start to write and it just comes out. Of course there are times it is more clear then others but I rarely struggle to get my point across. Tonight I struggled, I wrote a whole post and after I finished I read it and it was the most disjointed writing I have done in a long time. Usually I have one idea, this time I had two different ones that didn't really work with each other if that makes any sense?

 

Instead I felt the need to write about challenges, last week I wrote about how I was finally ready to forgive a woman who I don't even know personally that has gone out of her way to hurt me in any way she could through lies... truly forgiving her has helped me a great deal this week... when I thought about her, normally I would become angry and frustrated, this week I took her for what she was an insecure woman who has no trust, I actually felt sorry for her and I had pity.. how sad must it be that she isn't happy enough with herself that she feels the need to bring other people down?

Although I have a long road ahead of me, I am now on the right path... it bothered me that I had such difficulty getting passed the feelings I had for her when I have forgiven many people in my life that have hurt me a great deal... I intellectually understood that true forgiveness is really to free ourselves but for some reason emotionally I held on to the thoughts I had of her... thinking by forgiving her it was saying what she has said and continues to say about me is okay... Today I no longer care, they are lies and I  have no need to prove her wrong... the truth will come out and it won't even be by me. 

It was like when my ex step mother Ruth was abusive physically and emotionally to me and my sisters... when I forgave her and moved on, I no longer wanted to get revenge on her for the pain she caused me, I knew that it would come, I didn't wish it and I wanted no part in it... that is how I am feeling about that woman today... It was difficult for me to realize my part in this for the past couple of years, by holding on to her, I was drawing all her negativity and lack of self worth to me... 

I always thought I was so good at forgiving people, until she became a part of my life... and I took on that mentality that since she had wronged me and lied about me... I had a right to defend myself and prove to her that she was wrong... who cares what she thinks of me, she isn't going to change her mind about me, she wants to dislike me and there is nothing I can do or say to change that,  I can only change my mind... which I have done...

Although I don't need or want certain people in my life that have hurt me greatly... I choose to forgive them and have compassion for them even. If I could not forgive these people, who am I to expect this for myself? ... I am sure I have hurt someone a long the way in my life, I don't think I have done it on purpose but indirectly I am sure I have... I would hope that I could be forgiven too... I know some people will say or think that when someone goes out of their way to hurt you, that it's harder to let that go, I think it is needed even more then...  It honestly has brought about a path of freedom I forgot even existed and taught me that forgiveness is a form of love and a choice I make... 

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Soaring Above My Past With Forgiveness

 

The New Year always brings reflection, hope, change...  I was reading an article the other day and I saw the above quote, I have seen it many times before but it resonated with me in a way it never had before. I have talked about how important it is to forgive others, I can honestly say I have forgiven many people for the hurt and pain they inflicted on me or others I love... Yet there is one person that I have not forgiven until now, she has done more damage in my life than anyone I know, she has caused me a great deal of sadness and she continues to watch me, I know this as she accidentally follows my pages on social media. 

 

I continued to react to her for the last couple of years, until recently I decided that honestly she isn't worth any reaction, thought or feeling. It is not my place to judge her for what she does and doesn't deserve, it's my place to forgive her and move on. She has taken up too much time and energy in my mind for the past couple of years, I realized she was getting the drama she craved, I will no longer waste another moment of my time thinking about her.  She is nothing to me... for 2016 I am forgiving her and moving on... I suggest she does the same but that will be her decision. 

Saying all this, I took some time to think about that quote and how I needed to stop wishing the past was any different... I know that I had held on to that hope way too long, so long that it just depressed me. Just because something didn't work out the way it should have doesn't mean that it shouldn't have, it just means we all have our free agency and we just have to move on from decisions good or bad. Besides, the choices we all make have consequences, that is how life works. I don't want to be the girl who draws negative energy or drama, I am not that girl, nor do I ever want to be. 

I want this to be the year that I soar, the year I make positive changes that take me in a direction that will bring me joy. I have a couple of ideas in mind to get me there, this was the first thing I needed to do, until I REALLY forgive her and move on, I will never get to the next level... and I WANT to get to the next level, I deserve that and honestly so does she but that will be her choice. I am going to stop wishing the past could have been different, it isn't and no amount of wishing will change it....

One day, I will have the answers to my questions but today I am putting them away and moving on and learning the art of letting go... I have talked about it in the past, even thought I was ready to do it, thought being the operative word... today I am ready... I want to feel that power of freedom, it's a gift I want to give myself... I know I am ready because it is a gift I want to give her too... I hope she accepts it. 

I don't make resolutions in the New Year, I am of the mind that when I find something I want to change, I do it then... specific dates never work for me, I just have to do it... I alone hold myself back, it is a hard pill to swallow when I admit the truth, no one holds me back but me... Life is an ever learning process, sometimes incredibly hard but the truth is without those difficult challenges, we would never be able to become our best selves... I want the hard edges sanded off to soften me even if it's painful... because that is where I will soar.

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I Am Bent But I Am Not Broken

This week ended up being a lot to deal with, first my leg is still injured... when I saw the physio therapist the week before I promised myself and her that I would do anything that she asked of me. She had given me exercises that I have done every morning and night, I slowed my walking down and I walked much less then I normally do... yet there is no change. It has become almost unbearable to walk and I ended up searching for my cane that I had to use a few years ago. 

 

I started thinking about people that have chronic pain and I felt so much empathy for them, here I am with a pain that it almost certain to pass eventually... yet I am not dealing with it very well... how do people deal with this all the time, everyday? With no light at the end of the tunnel... yet I know people like this in my own life and many of them handle it with very little complaining... I am in awe of them.  

Next I had moment at work where I did not handle myself well... it was many things, all the changes, the pain in my leg and the time of the year (The Christmas holidays are not happy for everyone). Thankfully I have very understanding people that I work with and they were able to alleviate some of the stress I was dealing with. It will still be a bit trying as it is coming into year end, one of the busiest times of the year for payroll but at least I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now... unfortunately I had to have a bit of a meltdown... however; I am sure we have all had a moment when we had to much going on at once. 

Then of course this time of the year has not been good for me, it is a constant reminder of what I almost had and what I lost. I know that by holding onto that sadness, it only holds me back from what the future has to offer. There were times I thought I had got over hump and I could see a different path to take but then I'd have times that brought it all crashing back. Acceptance is extremely important to moving on and it is one of the most difficult things for me to master. 

I am well aware that my future has nothing to do with my past anymore, it hasn't for a long time... deep down I don't even long for what I felt was to be my future, as time has proven to me that no matter how happy I was then, it couldn't have been a long lasting happiness as I have come to know things about 'him' that would have bothered me over time. Things I would not have been able to brush aside... and no, he isn't a bad person by any means, he really is a kind and sweet man... however; he doesn't have it him to forgive people that make mistakes. I need the person in my life to be forgiving as unfortunately I am going make mistakes, like anyone else. 

That was a tough lesson for me to learn, one that nearly broke me in the past few years... I had refused time and time again to see 'him' as he really is... I wanted to remember 'him' the way I had dreams about 'him'... if I really saw 'him' as he was, I would have to admit that I am the one that is responsible for the challenges I have had to deal with... no one but me. I couldn't hold anyone accountable, not 'him'... not her... just me... With that realization I also knew I could change the future, as I am bent... but I am not broken.

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Breaking Down Walls To Grow

I have been thinking about how disappointed I was, that once again, someone wasn't who they portrayed themselves to be... I told my sister I just wanted to throw the towel in and give up on dating... I feel like I take care of myself, yet men choose women the opposite of me... My sister told me that she will never give up on love no matter what and although I have been burned many times over, I have to agree with her... I am not giving up on love either. 

 

I may not hop back on the dating site for a few months but I will go there again and I will be more discerning than ever. Honestly the guy is going to have to prove he is worthy of dating me, I don't want some guy who just talks the talk... he has to walk the talk too... when I made my profile in the past I don't think I was specific enough, I am going to be choosier... I am willing to give the best of myself to someone and I expect the same in return. 

Just a very quick update, I have been walking a lot and enjoying it, I plan to walk every day I possibly can without excuses... and the best part is that I am eating consciously, I am not eating to numb myself. With that of course comes a lot of emotions I have to deal with... definitely not easy but when has change ever been easy?  Of course no one wants to feel pain, sadness or disappointment but as awful as those feelings are they are the only way to grow.

 

When I have decided to numb those feelings in the past, all I did was prolong the pain and I stayed in the same spot of sadness, which stopped me from growing. This week as I walked I thought about how I just needed to push through so that I would no longer be standing in the same place anymore... I honestly cannot go another year and look back... to see that I have not progressed again because I was unwilling to feel the emotions that have been holding me back. 

I don't want to build those walls around me anymore, yes I know that is more than likely inviting more pain into my life but I am hoping eventually it will invite the joy I want too... I read the quote above over the weekend and although I have read it many times in the past, it resonated with me as I could see that each wall I built around me in the last few years didn't really protect me, they actually made me more sad.

 

So, I decided this week that instead of building walls, I am breaking them down... and giving myself the chance to heal... With that comes one very important thing I have to do... I have to really forgive someone that I have been unable to forgive up until now... which has upset me as I am really a very forgiving person and holding onto this anger for her has just held me back.  Besides the truth is that what we give out comes back to us... I want to give forgiveness and love...

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I Am Worthy, Just Because I Am Me

 

I had an interesting week, one with a lot of ups and downs... those are the ones you learn from the most. They are not easy but growth never is and as much as we say how life would be simpler without challenges, at least for me I know that life would be rather boring and unchanging.

I was speaking with someone about an injustice they were dealing with, about how they wanted to get back at the person who had hurt them... I asked them why? Then I said, you know what, people that do things to hurt others have that all come back to them... we don't have to do or say anything. As a matter a fact I pray for the woman that has done countless things to hurt me in the past year and a half... I feel sad for her that she doesn't know her own worth... if she did, she would not waste her time trying to hurt me.

So, I told the person I was talking with that although they have been hurt, the best thing they could do was walk away, don't give that person an ounce of satisfaction by fighting back... I never retaliated and I never will because I know my worth and I don't need to prove it to her or anyone else. I just need to live my life and be the best person that I can be... my worth is not tied up in someone else, especially not in someone else who doesn't know their own.

I am not sure the person I talked to understood but I am hoping they do, because retaliating will only hurt them and keep the issue open which will actually make it worse. I understand that whatever path they take is the one they will have to deal with but I realized even more that I made the right choice in never responding to her and I could have but what would it have proved? I know I have the truth on my side and frankly the truth always has a way of coming out... it cannot be hidden forever.

I had some moments in time brought up to me through Facebook memories and Time Hop... which reminded me that I had very little self worth at one time, that was difficult to see but I also saw where I started to change, where I began to understand the truth. I saw the shift in my thinking, it was subtle at first... I stumbled from time to time with the knowledge of my worth as I think we all do. Basically because we expect so much from ourselves and when we fail we sometimes believe our worth goes with the failure.

This is not true though, our self worth is always there. It is us who needs to remember this and not use it as an excuse to give up our worth and settle for less then we deserve. The old me would have lowered the bar and accepted less, thinking that was all I could have but the new me knows I am worthy, just because I am me....

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Joy Comes Through Forgiveness

I had to come back to update here... the most important thing that happened this week was that my daughter Andrea had her second child, a girl... she was born on Monday night, her name is Arianna and she is adorable... I am now a Glama nana twice over... I have two beautiful grandchildren to love now... Jackson is a wonderful big brother... I wish I could be there for all of them... hopefully in the near future <3

I have been behind in posting a new blog, first I was super busy with getting all my steps in each day... then Saturday came along and I went to a funeral, I didn't know the man very well ... I went to support someone else... but it is never easy attending functions like this... Then Sunday (today), I spent the better part of my day at church... it was what I needed.

I heard something that really resonated with me about forgiveness, I truly am a person that believes that forgiveness is the only way to free ourselves... I have talked about this many times. I have pondered and thought deeply about the subject because I don't like holding hatred or mean thoughts in my heart for someone as I know that it only hurts me. More often than not, the other person could care less if I forgive them... it is more about freeing myself.

I think about my ex stepmother Ruth who physically and emotionally abused me and my sisters... I was able to forgive her... and Andrey my ex husband who raped me... I forgave him... Today, I knew that although I have talked about forgiving another person that has gone out of her way to hurt me on numerous occasions, I had not truly forgiven her. I held on to my bad feelings for her because no matter how much I had tried to move forward, I kept hearing about how she dislikes me and talks poorly about me. She is one of my biggest challenges and one that I plan to overcome.

Regardless of how she feels about me, I cannot continue to have bad feelings towards her... I have to truly forgive her... I can't begin to explain how hard that is going to be for me. From what I have been told, she feels I am trying to hurt her when that is the farthest thing from my mind... it is not in my heart to even think that way. However; she doesn't know me or she would not think that of me...

One thing I learned today was that of course Heavenly Father forgives us all for the mistakes and judgements we make... because He does, I have to do the same. Frankly no matter what I do or say, this woman isn't going to like me and not forgiving her is only holding me back. Once I truly forgive her for everything she has done to hurt me is when I will be free and she will not have a hold over me any longer.

It is a day I look forward to... I Tweeted the other day how I am not going to let one person diminish the fact that there are many people who think I am wonderful... that is her issue... not mine. Today reinforced that for me even more, almost like an answer to how I was going to forgive her?... Heavenly Father has already forgiven her, I need to extend the same to her, whether or not she moves on from her bad feelings towards me, it is not my issue to worry about any longer.

I truly hope one day that she sees her own worth and realizes that continuing to find ways to hurt me because of her own insecurities, is not the way for her to have joy. I have realized that holding on to bad feelings for her is not the way for me to have joy... besides I know my worth and I am happy to say that I deserve good things and good people in my life... maybe one day she will know that she deserves the same.

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I Had And Have A Choice

I'm going to talk about something that happened at church Sunday, I rarely discuss my religion on the blog and I'm not really going to start today... but I needed to explain how I was emotionally touched and it came from a lesson there.

It was about how we needed to listen and follow a certain path if we really wanted to be happy. I knew what they meant but it brought up emotions that I wasn't able to deal with as well as I had hoped... I broke down crying. I wanted to share my feelings with the other ladies there but I wondered if it would be too much for them.

This was because I thought about the many paths that I have followed in the past, many of them dark and empty, all because I was looking for peace and happiness. None of those paths I chose brought this to me, when a challenge came up in the past, I wasn't always strong enough to make the right choices...

I was dealing with the aftermath of my trials and my choices ended up having me fall deeper into darkness. There would be times I would have some clarity here and there, where I'd turn things around but none of them were real life changes as the next trial that would come along, I would fall back into old patterns.

I don't think most people knew how far I fell... it wasn't pretty, there were times I was out of control, so out of control... I couldn't even admit it to myself. It wasn't until this Christmas past that I gained a clarity that I had not felt for many years, where I came to understand that I could not continue on those paths... as I knew that no matter how hard I tried to cover the pain, it wasn't working anymore.

With that clarity came more trials then even I thought possible ... there has been incredible opposition but I knew this would happen as I can I see the trials for what they are and I am making other choices... ones that don't involve hurting myself anymore ... choices that are helping me to see even more clearly.

I remembered of course that I'm just human, I made mistakes, I will make more... ones that are hard to live with, ones that formed my future and although I can move forward and make better choices which I plan to and I have... I still have to live with the choices from the past.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in true forgiveness and I have forgiven myself for the poor choices I made... most of them out of sheer sadness and depression... some made because I was beyond exhausted from lack of sleep and I knew of no other way at the time.

Regardless of the reasons,  I understand I was a hostage to my choices and that even though I had once thought I was free because I could make them, I was actually more unhappy because of them... Changing those choices brought me a freedom I needed.

I'd like to say that it is easier now but that's not so... but like that quote about it not being easy but it being worth it.. I believe that now. The greatest thing I learned was that I had and have a choice...

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Judgment Is Just Fear

Judging is a part of life and not necessarily a good part, we all do it to some degree ... I would love to say that I don't judge people as much as I try not to... What I have learned instead is to recognize why I have judged and then work on changing that feeling or thought. The most difficult judgements for me to let go of are when other people judge me and I feel like I have no way to defend myself.

It is easy to want to strike back at someone when they are mean and hurtful to me for no reason, especially when they don't even know me... I have dealt with this in my life, more now that part of my life is on the internet. However; I cannot let what other people say or do 'anonymously' or otherwise affect me. Just because they say it, doesn't make it true, instead I need to work on myself, forgive them and move on...

Of course this is much easier said then done, it's something I work on daily... since I am conscious of forgiveness and the importance of it. I need to be more conscious of my judgments and remember that when someone is judging me, they really are reflecting their own fears and insecurities about themselves... because when I think about the times in my life where I was judgmental, I came to realize that it was from my own fears.


So now I am back to forgiveness, they both go hand in hand... believe me when I say that I understand how easy it would be to get back at people that hurt me out of their own fears and insecurities. This week has been a testing ground for me and I wanted to let everything out to them and say There you go, are you happy now? Because I certainly could let everything out but I won't, that is not who I want to be, I am better than that.

I will take the trial I was given this week for just that, a trial... I won't be sucked into their fears and strike back just because it is easy. The easy way out never helps me in the long term... it feels good for the moment; ultimately if I fight back I won't feel good when it is all said and done. So, I won't be lowering myself to their level, I will be rising above it all. In the process, I will be wishing them the best and hoping they can find a way to move on from their fears and insecurities.

Judgements are just fears that we are not good enough, getting past the fear is where the growth begins... I personally want the growth, so I will do the work to get past any fears I have... because I am more than good enough...

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My Challenge Of Forgiveness And Growth

I hope I can articulate what is inside me today, what has been inside of me for awhile... I have never been one that is at a loss for words either written or spoken. I have however; held things in when I write because I have felt they would be too raw or too open to say. This last week I have been thinking about forgiveness ... I truly believe that forgiving someone is the only way I can move forward. I came to understand this when I was fifteen years old and started praying that I would no longer have to live with my crazy, psychotic ex step mother Ruth...

For the ten years I was being raised by her I felt hatred for her, I couldn't fathom why she was so demeaning to me and my sisters... then I had a thought or inspiration that I needed to stop hating her because it was only hurting me... That was when I started praying daily for six months, all I really wanted in my heart was not to have to live with her anymore, I didn't wish her bad things, I actually hoped she would be happy one day because I came to know that she was very unhappy with herself... otherwise she would not have been so miserable to everyone around her, especially to three little girls that never did anything to hurt her.

Finally my father had his eyes opened and he left her, I was free and with that a load was removed from my shoulders where I could finally say what was in my heart without fear. I went through my life dealing with trials as we all do but always remembering that forgiveness was important for me to move on... I didn't want to hold on to anger or hate because I knew that was only holding me back. I also knew that although I forgave, it didn't mean that I was saying what people had done to me was okay, it just meant I wasn't going to hold on to it and let it destroy me.

This week I realized that there was someone else that I needed to forgive because each time I thought of 'her', I felt anger towards 'her'. I came to understand that 'she' is just insecure with who 'she' is and where 'she' is in her life, if 'she' was secure 'she' would have no need to hurt me. I am forgiving 'her' today and I will no longer think of 'her', other than to wish 'her' happiness... I don't want 'her' drama in my life anymore and I hope 'she' will finally move on from me. Truthfully, 'she' has hurt me more than anyone I know, there is nothing else 'she' can do to hurt me. I survived all the lies and pain she dealt me in the last year and a half and actually I thrived... I am better for what I went through, I am stronger and I have come to love myself even more. Hopefully one day 'she' will come to love herself and know that hurting others is not the way to get there, the only way is by loving yourself.

I need to say one thing here, life is not about getting what we 'think' we deserve, no one deserves more than someone else because of the trials they have gone through. If that were true I would be in an honest and loving relationship right now, for I have had to deal with trials that seemed insurmountable. However; that is not how life works... I deserve as much happiness as the next person and I know that although the challenges I have been dealt with were awful, they were no worse than what other people have dealt with, they are just different. My trials are given to me to help me grow just as others have their challenges given to them to help them to grow.

I believe that growth comes from 'how' we handle the challenges we are given... and not just by getting through them...

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Challenges Are Worth The Pain

This has been a bit of a frustrating week for me... my walking and eating have been great and I feel on track with that... but other things have been frustrating. My main issue is my long travel times getting back and forth to work, which have been at least 90 minutes or more each way. I am at the mercy of our transit system that apparently has no clue how to schedule the buses. I have heard they are doing a total revamp but not until sometime in May or even later...  so I will just have to continue on the way I am until then.

I am weighing all my options as I cannot count on our transit system to get it together and actually work the way it should. I am beginning to think there is a reason why I am having to deal with all of this... I remember something Oprah either said or was quoting someone about how we are sent whispers, then taps, then bricks and finally the whole wall falls on us if we don't listen. I personally don't want the whole wall falling on me to make the changes I need to make.

I think we and when I say we... I am talking more about myself... when I have a huge change in front of me, the first thing I do is say no, I don't need anymore change right now... I'm good the way I am... but that is not growth. Typically I turn it around quickly and go with the change since it usually ends up being better for me even if it isn't always easy getting there. Actually it is never easy getting there but it always ends up that it is exactly where I am supposed to be...

I get into a comfort zone and think I can stay there and life will move along the way it is supposed to... yet I know logically that staying in my comfort zone won't help me get to the next level. I also have thoughts that I shouldn't have to go through anymore challenges, haven't I had enough? Silly, I know... that is not the way life is... everyone has challenges, no one is exempt, even if I look at their lives and think they have it all together it just means they are good at hiding their challenges.

This became openly apparent to me when I realized that the person that had done everything she could do to discredit me and hurt me was still trying to do this... it made me think about how her life 'seems' to be what she says she wants it to be... she proclaims how happy she is... yet if she was, why does she feel the need to keep trying to hurt me? That is a contradiction to what she is putting out there... that was a bit of an ah ha moment for me. It just looks like her life is wonderful without any crazy challenges like mine but she has ones that are inside.

I will keep my own challenges and deal with them one by one... at least I don't have the desire to lie and hurt other people and then pretend everything is okay... I actually will wish her happiness and peace, maybe if she can feel that she will stop attempting to hurt me... although she won't be successful as I have moved on from her... hopefully she can move on from me.

So, with my ah ha moments, I know that is the tap... I already had the whispers and ignored them... I don't want the brick or the wall falling on me... that means making some huge changes... scary ones where I will basically jump and build my wings on the way down... those are never easy but I guess if they were, they wouldn't be worth it ... Right?

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