Free Falling.... Where Will I Land?

I feel like I did back in December... just trying to hold myself together... wondering if it is worth it...  I just feel as though I have a hole inside that I can't fill.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to help, instead everything I've attempted has actually left me feeling emptier.  I really thought that when I held it together over the holidays that I made it past some imaginary line and I was going to be able to cope with the future.

Lately though, it is a daily struggle to get through even a day.. .I have too much on my plate right now and I am trying so hard to see the good.  I know it's time for me to move but I am not looking forward to it, it's so huge, so much to do... with purging, packing, finding a place, finding people to help me move, unpacking... on and on... I am so exhausted thinking about it. 

Valentina is becoming a tween and with that she is finding her voice... which is good but difficult for me as the parent. Part of me wants to keep her a little girl for as long as possible but that is not what raising children is about.  It's about loving them and guiding them in the right direction, even when they go off track as teenagers... It's just very hard for me when she now starts to get upset with me and says hurtful things I know deep down she doesn't mean. 

I am in a place in my life where I don't want to argue with anyone, I want to get a long as much as possible.  That is a pipe dream when raising a preteen or teenager, even the best of them have their days and my Valentina is a very sweet girl but even she has her moments lately where she is voicing herself and not always in great ways...

I also have a new baby sitter starting in a week, Cindy found her for me... though I am happy about this... I will miss seeing my Cindy everyday and my never having to worry about Valentina while I was at work.  I knew she was being very well taken care of... now I have to get to know someone new and there will be growing pains as there is with any relationship... I really hope that Valentina clicks well with her as she did with Cindy.

Also, I am thinking of changing positions at work, I am the only one in my area that has not moved in the five years I have been there... because I was sure I wouldn't be able to deal with the change and the new learning curve that comes with any new job but I know it's time...

All of this is leaving me feeling rather lost and wanting to have something steady that I can hold on to... I reach out and there is nothing there... I am free falling and I am wondering where I will land when all of these changes happen. Part of me wants to see into the future and see that everything worked out okay... unfortunately we don't have that luxury... we have to keep going even though we have no idea where we will end up...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Sometimes All We Need Is To Listen

My head is all over the place, I can't seem to focus my mind... I have been writing one post after the other today, just to delete them.  I was going to write last night but I decided to read all the blogs I follow first, than I fell asleep, exhausted from all the emotional changes that are happening in my life.  I know that some of them are good but it is still hard to not be emotional about them. I know the move will end up being good once I can secure another apartment, it is just the limbo that is scary there.

Other changes that are happening are not as easy to deal with....  I can guess how people are going to react since some people have already reacted and I just don't want to hear what they have to say... I don't want to hear it will get easier with time, it's for the best, it's the right thing...  It's none of these for me... it's hard, it's emotional....It makes me cry... 

I have already heard, it could be worse...  and they bring up some awful story of someone dealing with some horrible challenge.  I know that, I know that it could be worse... I have dealt with a lot of difficult challenges from dealing with being burned in a fire as a child to being physically and emotionally abused as a child, to being in an abusive marriage... than being raped by him.  So I know what a difficult challenge is... I almost feel like they don't think I have the right to be sad about this... I see them shaking their head and saying oh LuLu (my nick name) so and so is dealing with this or that.

I want everyone to stop and understand one thing... we are all dealing with one difficult challenge after another, the last thing we should be doing is saying to someone that what they feel is silly and unimportant... it's important to that person.  I really believe that when we tell people that their feelings don't matter that this can damage the person, where they end up internalizing their feelings instead of expressing them.  We need to release the pain and there should be a safe non judgmental place to do this.

I become so frustrated when I say how I feel and someone wants to tell me how lucky I am that this all I have to deal with... really???  That saying about how we should never seek to judge another person unless we have walked in their shoes comes to mind.  I have almost come to the point that I won't say how I feel to certain people, I will just lie and say it's great, that is all they want to hear...

I personally want to hear the truth, even if I may not think it is important, I empathize, I let people feel and say what they need to... I don't stop them and say... that's all?  This doesn't make me a better person or more in tune... it just means I am willing to hear someone out and try to understand even if I don't completely understand myself...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥