Comebacks Are Stonger Than Setbacks

Time has been flying by so quick lately, I have been busy at work, doing overtime, staying late to get work done and starting early. By the time I'd get off, it was all I could do to just make a meal and keep up with the housework. There are less than two weeks left for the busiest time of year at work, I am looking forward to having time for myself again. This weekend is a long one for us in Nova Scotia today, it is Family Day... I made sure I had all the housework and grocery shopping done so that today would just be for me to write... oh and get caught up on my blogs... I am way behind and I have truly missed you all. 

I think I need to consider giving television up again, I did it for 5 months before and I didn't miss it... it is such a time waster for me. I haven't been able to give it up totally, so I have been contemplating having one day a week where I can watch a couple of my favorite shows and turn it off for the rest of the time. Then I could actually use my time for other activities such as cooking, reading, exercising and keeping in contact with people I love. I have been questioning what I really want as I find that I am doing the opposite of what I say I want... I do wish it was easier to commit to doing what I say... 

I remember being so committed, I had a goal and I was driven... it's like I let the challenges break me. I am being honest here, I let those challenges break me, it's like I am terrified of committing to anything... I have failed so many times in the last year to year and a half. Part of me thinks if I don't commit I won't fail again... When I know that if I don't commit I will fall backwards... because the truth is if we are not moving forward, we are going backwards. I want to change that feeling, I want to face the fear and move through it... 

I have been acting like I am weak and unable to fix the broken parts of me... somehow it seemed easier than facing the truth and making the changes. I have grown through many challenges that I often believed were impossible for me to see through to the other side... Each time the trial seemed insurmountable and yet I made it over each mountain over and over... becoming stronger. Every one of us has numerous tests we are given, we all have to decide for ourselves if we are going to fight to get through or let them bury us. 

I have been allowing it to bury me and frankly, it hasn't felt good... I have talked the good talk for months but they have been empty words, admitting that I have been going backwards is the first step in moving forward. I know I cannot make all the changes I want all at once, I have to start prioritizing what is important and then build on it each day. No one climbed a mountain in one day, it took climbing hills and gaining strength and knowledge to get to the top of the mountain. I know I have to commit all the way but... I don't have to commit to everything all at once, that will just continue to make me feel like a failure and I won't ever succeed at anything. 

The good thing for me is that spring is on its way here, still a month or so away but I am seeing the light... and Valentina has her orthodontist appointment in less than two weeks, so I will finally have a price to fix her teeth. Half the issue is not knowing, I can't commit any other money anywhere until I know what I will be needing on a monthly basis. Also, I will then be able to get around easier when the snow is gone and the daylight will last later in the day... I have hibernated with winter, more so than usual but it's time for me to take the first step of ascending that mountain I want to climb to the top of... Although there will be setbacks, the comeback is always stronger...

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One Moment At A Time

I am not one to make resolutions for the New Year, as I find that most times it is just a set up for failure.  I do believe in setting goals, I just don't like doing it at a set time... for me, I just have to do it when I am ready, the day doesn't really matter.  I actually find the more I think of making a change in my life, the more I find excuses not to...

I have had plenty of challenging years but truthfully who has not? No one has an easy or perfect life, it just doesn't exist. As much as we get upset about the trials we encounter, they have the ability to make us better, stronger more empathetic. Believe me when I say that many challenges make absolutely no sense and actually leaves us wondering why we would have to deal with it. However; given time, I usually have come to understand why. 

When Andrey raped me over 8 years ago, I crawled into a shell, I lost my voice... but then I started writing to get it back... I made questionable choices because of the emotional pain I was going through. I am not going to say that I am happy I was raped but I gained a strength I was not aware that I had and I gained an empathy for other people that went through this and other tragedies.  

I have been reflecting on the insanity of this past year, wondering what I need to learn from it, the answers don't always come instantly, sometimes they take a great deal of time. I do know that I ended the year on brighter note, I had a lovely Christmas and I am feeling so relaxed now that I am working at home...  I do have a goal which is an ongoing one, I want to be healthy again... I believe that I was given the opportunity to work at home so that I would have the time to work on regaining my health, for this, I am incredibly grateful.

I feel like the last year of my life had me going backwards with my health, I miss how physically fit I was. I read the first quote by Tony Robbins where he said that making a decision in a moment can change the course of our lives... It had me thinking about the many times in my life where I was standing on the edge of change, questioning if I would be able to leap off and trust that I wouldn't fail. Often I looked over the edge and come up with excuses why leaping might not be the best thing to do... Ultimately, I made the decision to go with it, it was only then that I understood it was never as hard as I believed it would be... which makes me question why I keep holding myself back... 

 

The main thing I want to take away from my trials throughout the years is that no matter how difficult they may be, I am strong enough to handle them. I need to remember that while I am right in the middle of a challenge, there is always a way through. Nothing is permanent. Life is so much shorter than we truly know, with the passing years I have come to appreciate the moment I am in... As all we have is one moment at a time... 

I want to wish all my blog friends throughout the world a very Happy New Year, I hope it brings love, joy and gratitude ...💗💗💗

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Someday I Will Know Why

Catching up has been a daunting task to say the least, I am hoping I didn't miss anyone... I follow a lot of blogs, I knew I did but it was still eye-opening.  It's been a busy week but really a good week, I sincerely missed being involved in the blogging world, it's like our own little family. Plus we are all open to meeting more people who are interested in being involved.  

This week I will be spending time getting my office completely organized, I purchased a huge cabinet so that I can get rid of all my smaller ones... It's quite the endeavor but it is going to be a great way of purging. I believe the more ready I am the easier the change will be, I really look forward to having time with Valentina and time for me to exercise. She even told me she wants it so that we can chat in the morning and have breakfast together...

I want to thank everyone for being so kind with your comments, part of my not wanting to write was because of the depression I am dealing with and not knowing how to be as  positive as I like to be when writing. I know we all have difficulties in life and it's not easy to have to read that someone is struggling, I am though... I am finding it a challenge to just get up, go to work and make it back home. Truthfully if it were not for my new friend, I often wonder if I would leave the house otherwise... Thankfully she is there to offer some outings that are good for me.

She has been the one who has come up with inexpensive ideas to make my home feel like a home because for eight years I kept thinking I was always going to move and I never truthfully settled here. Once I decided this is where I will be staying for years to come, she put up nice drapes, rearranged my kitchen to make it more open and comfortable... and found furniture for my office so that I will be set up for success to work from home... I feel like I am ready and I am grateful she has got me to that point.

I wanted to write with honesty here because although I am struggling ... I understand that many of us are dealing with overwhelming trials. Life isn't easy, nor do I expect that it should be. For with painful tests, they bring us experiences we might not aquire... It can take wisdom and years for us to see the benefits of any trial we may deal with... holding on until we can see the blessings from challenges is really all that we can do. I also am very aware that trying to have a good attidude will go a long way for me to handle the conflict given to me... 

Is it easy to always rise above controversy in our lives... no... but deep down I know it's worth it. I believe one day I will know and understand why I had to deal with something I felt I couldn't and maybe even be grateful... maybe. This is the reason that I keep putting one foot in front of the other... The knowledge and hope for the future...

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Mediocrity Is Tenacious

I read this quote the other day and it resonated with me ... my friend and I were discussing how throughout our lives we have overcome one challenge or another and how good we felt about it. I told her how I was in the zone when I lost weight a few years ago and that when I was hurt, I let it slide and lately I have let mediocrity take over and why? Because it was easy. It was almost like I accepted it and believed it would just be better to give up... 

After I read this quote it made me remember how we might stumble and fall but we have a choice of staying there or getting back up, dusting myself off and making another choice.... because it is right, we are never done. There is no ending, there is only continual change. . . we don't just work out in the gym and say there, 'I'm done'... we can't just say I ate healthy and 'that's it'. I think we all want that, I know I wish it was easier as it sometimes feels overwhelming.

I am not back on track yet but I have a desire to get there, I haven't even had the true desire in such a long time. It has been frustrating to me as exercising is not easy at all, I am cognizant that I am going to have to put in more time at a slower and easier pace... I also need to commit to finding other ways to get to where I want to be. Just because I could walk for hours in the past doesn't mean that is the only way I can back to the path, the one where I felt healthy, strong and happy with where I was.  I was worried as winter is on its way and that time of the year tends to sideline me as it does many people...

Instead of thinking/believing I am set up to fail because of the weather, the weight and the physical pain I have... I just have to find another way, there is not just one path for us to get us to where we desire... There are many trails, falling backwards happens to us all, not staying there is a choice we each make. I was feeling helpless, out of control... sure there was no way to deal with the setback in my health...

Then I read the quote which popped out at me and reminded me I am tenacious, I have always been this way... I have made it through so many trials where once I was sure I wouldn't make it through. Like the quote says mediocrity is tenacious, I have to be more so... I need to be stronger than mediocrity... I cannot be comfortable when I make it to a certain destination... as the truth is that we should never be complacent and stop... we need to be reaching for the next desire that can help us grow.

I don't want to accept that failure is easier because I am tired of trying... that is definitely mediocrity that has found a way in ... basically, I let my guard down and I gave up but thankfully I don't have to stay there... I don't have to give up, I can keep fighting and I can succeed... I have to make that choice, I have done it in the past, I know I can do it again... that is how tenacity beats mediocrity...

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Sometimes We Must Lose In Order To Gain

I took an unintended break from writing as I was on a short vacation, I am back to work tomorrow... the time off was great, it really helped to rejuvenate me... I stayed up, slept in, spent time with Valentina also caught up on my blog reading and commenting. This was the week that Andrea was supposed to come home for a visit but the price of tickets almost doubled so that is on the back burner for a while... Hopefully next year it will be more feasible... 

So, I finally decided after eating well for the last five weeks that I needed to get weighed again, I am pleased to say I am back on the path of being healthy and I am very happy about it... although I have gained weight, I also know I can take it off since I have done it before... it feels good to know that I am working in the right direction again... I did exercise three days last week, I'm looking forward to building on it more in the future.

A friend of mine found me the nicest corner desk for my office which she spent a few hours setting up for me... it's really starting to come together... now working from home still has to be approved through work (a very long story)... which may not happen but I am going to remain hopeful. Also staying organized is a full time job when you live with a teenager... I plan to keep encouraging her daily until she hopefully wants to keep it up herself... I know...  wishful thinking with a teen but I'm not giving up, it is important to me to keep the house in order.

Sometimes it feels like there are just one too many trials that come my way... I can't let it determine my mood no matter how challenged I feel I am... A few years ago I would have managed it in a poor way by trying to fill the loss with things that ultimately mean nothing and only damage and weigh me down more. I had to decide what is important and I have to keep choosing that daily if I am going to learn to fill the voids with good choices that will lift me up... 

Disappointment is a part of life and dealing with it in an unhealthy way won't make it easier... Besides as hard as it is to not get what you want, life is much too short to be frustrated all the time. The older I become the more I realize that life throws us curve after curve and how I handle it is what will define me. Eventually everything will work out the way it is meant to... I just have to have patience and have a good attitude.

I learned a great deal by decluttering this summer, I realized that I bought and held on to items that actually didn't bring me any joy... they weighed me down... I really felt lighter getting rid of them, I no longer want to go out and purchase an item just to fill an empty void... I want to be conscious of my feelings... I can tell you that it isn't easy in the short term but I can see it being better in the long run...  Unfortunately sometimes we must lose in order to gain...  

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If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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A Better Choice For Me

I had a very good week of exercise, I walked 6 of the last 7 days and a few of those days were nice long walks. Joining up with the two challenges I did really helped to motivate me, I don't need a contest where I can win something, just having others that are in the same situation who encourage and inspire each other, getting healthy is winning anyway. It isn't about who can get the most steps, it is about each of us individually doing our best. We have a goal of about 12,000 steps per day but if we don't reach it, we praise each other for what we have done and inspire each other to do better the next day.

It feels good to be motivated again, it was a long road for me to work myself back to the path I was on... I am no where near where I was and I am aware it will take me a long time to get back there. For the time being, I am not even looking at speed as much as I am looking at distance. I have slowed down but started walking longer distances... I think it is the best way for me to build up my stamina again... going too quickly could one, injure me and two, tire me out quickly where I won't feel like exercising daily.  There is plenty of time in the future to get my speed back up to where it was and beyond.

I have put it out in the universe that I am looking for a three bedroom apartment, it has become imperative for me to work from home, I have a few people looking out for places and I even discussed it with my boss... he said he would help push it through for me to work from home since I have all the stats and I'm able to work on my own.  I understand it will be a whole new lifestyle but for me, it would be so worth it... first I could sleep in an extra hour in the morning, second I would not have that nearly three hour trip of travel time daily and third most importantly I would be there for Valentina when she left in the morning and when she came home.

Many of my colleagues have told me that they couldn't do it as they are way too social... ahh... there are not too many people more social than I am... I don't actually go to work to hang out with people, I go to work to do my job... I can still attend outside work functions when they come up. I would actually be more likely to go to them as I would have the time and the desire. I need the third room for an office, I would love opening the door up, doing my job and then closing it at the end of the day and being home. It would give me time to prepare dinner on my lunch and I could go for a walk after work and still be home at a decent hour. It is a total win/win for me...

This has become incredibly important to me as I feel it is much more essential for me to be engaged in my life, then traveling endlessly back and forth. Life is insanely short, I am irritated by wasting it by constantly running and waiting for buses... sitting in endless busy traffic. I read a few blog posts this week about finding out what our purpose is and I honestly don't believe it entails my sitting on a bus day after day until I retire... I get more disillusioned over time, thinking this is not what my life was supposed to be like...

When I pondered that, I realized I am the only one who is in control of changing that, I can sit her and complain about the wasted hours of my life or I can do everything possible to bring about a different path... I have to decide what I want and I have determined it is very important to put myself first and make my life a little bit easier so that I can have a lot more fun and so that I can be there for Valentina for those tough teenage years... This is a choice I'm making it's better for her and for me... 

 
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Focusing Is A Choice I Make

As you can see from the picture above, I did something this weekend that I have been wanting to do for a few years... I had my hair colored purple and pink... I'm going to keep it up until the Fall... I am very happy with the outcome.

I feel like I am in limbo... you know that feeling where you are not sure which way to go? I know we all go through those times in our lives... some are small choices, some are life changing. I feel like I am in one of those life changing choices. After getting injured in November and then re-injured again two weeks ago ... I have allowed myself to be derailed. The first thing I had to do was accept that I had allowed it to happen... yes, I also understand that there are times in our lives that we can see our lives propelling out of control and cannot seem to find a way to get back on the path. Sometimes it is lack of commitment, desire and often times it is from disappointment... 

My derailment this time has come from disappointment, does it make it any less or more of an excuse... no.. but it is one of my more difficult feelings to overcome. I believe admitting it is something I need to do, then I have to decide what I want more... I know that I don't feel comfortable where I am right now... I don't believe weight should make or break how I feel about myself... because the weight is not who I am... but by allowing disappointment to derail me it has shown me that no matter how on track, on the path or on the right road I think I am... it is a never ending challenge to always stay focused. 

There is always going to be something, some reason, some excuse that I can use to not focus... to say what does it really matter? Is any of that a good enough reason?  I don't know that I can keep denying to myself that the excuses shouldn't matter, I have to really decide what I want. Often times it's a choice we make within ourselves and I am the first one to admit that none of those decisions are easy... we have to deal with trials and challenges to see how much we want something, how much work we are willing to put into our hopes and dreams. 

 

I have had a couple of friends ask me if I would be willing to give love a chance again? My answer to them is I don't think so, I don't know that I want to trust anyone that much again. I think once trust is destroyed and mine was, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to ever want to put my heart out there again. It has been hard getting to this place as I wanted romantic love in my life for many years... I have come to the point that I no longer believe the pain of loss outweighs the chance of love...

First I used getting injured, then winter, then the re-injury as excuses... part of me wonders if I wasn't looking for an excuse to eat whatever I liked... When I started my weight loss journey in the summer of 2013, I seriously did it for me... no one but me. As I lost the weight I stared seeing the opportunities it gave me, one of them was to date, however; I realized that losing the weight does not make it any easier to trust in a relationship. I then gave up the desire to find romantic love... that was when I started using food to fill that void. 

 

I don't want to fill that void or any other void with food... I have become uncomfortable with myself... not because of the weight, that isn't who I am ... but I'm uncomfortable with the choices of eating that I so readily fell back into...  When I think of the many addictions I have or have had... food is an acceptable one because we need to eat... other addictions can be given up a hundred percent... Food is the addiction I need to learn to come to terms with and not abuse it when my life goes out of control... Focusing is a choice I make...

 

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The Light Within That Leads Me

After I wrote a couple of weeks ago I felt burned out and so I just stopped reading and commenting on blogs for almost a week... I would read one or two and then stop. After a week I really missed everyone and couldn't wait to catch up, I pulled up my blog list and I had over 150. I had to be selective if I was ever going to get on top of it... Last night I caught up, it felt good... we all need breaks from time to time, it was good for me. As I was reading many of my followers blogs they too were echoing my sentiments and making decisions to cut back... we seemed to be on the same wave length. 

I didn't do a lot but relax and think... I also read many of my older posts, which had me thinking about how far I have come but how far I still had to go... Many challenges I have overcome, others are still controlling me... It made me realize that I cannot just overcome something and think that was it, when I choose to think it's as simple as that, I fail and have to relearn the lesson. For myself I have had a defeatist attitude in the past when I had to go through the same challenge.

I thought about what was gained by having that attitude? Since the truth is that I am able to get through the challenges given to me, even though I may doubt myself time and time again. It has never been that I cannot overcome a trial, the question has always been if I wanted to?  I don't think we choose our trials but I know we choose how and if we deal with them... I have been a master of ignoring them, burying them and defending myself against them... Until I decide to face it, the issue continues to return. I read a blog yesterday where the writer explained how they were tired of trying to overcome their trials, that the pain was too much... this person has been through a great deal, however; I don't think giving up is the answer.

I say this as I know from past experience that deep pain that doesn't seem to allow light in has been a part of my past. I am sure a great deal of us have been there... some of us are better at dealing with it, I always seem to take the long road through the darkness, until I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel... it's only after I get there that I realize the tunnel was the illusion, not the light. I fail to understand why I cannot remember that when I am going through the next challenge... because there will always be another challenge. It's not easy to elevate ourselves over our human nature that continues to doubt.

I have to continue to remind myself that when I feel like I am failing, it's not true, I am learning... because each failure is teaching me something. I have to be open to learning it so that I can move forward to the next one. For me disappointment is one of the most difficult things to get past, there is a constant reminder of what could have been... I know looking back isn't good, hence this is why I have been moving forward but it doesn't always stop the sad feelings...

 

I have a chance for some big changes, I am aligning myself with them... although they may be extremely challenging, I feel these ones will be worth it... I have been wanting to do things that I have not have had the time to do... there is a good possibility I will have the opportunity to have the time I need... I would be grateful for any and all good thoughts ... once I know more I will write about it... I am letting the light from within me lead me...

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Yet I Refuse To Give Up

Well this has been a week of ups and downs, first I wanted to tell you, I am committed on my healthy path. I ate very well and tracked all my food paying attention to eating balanced meals so that I won't feel deprived. Also, I have been exercising, I am walking as often as I can and not using excuses to get out of doing it... I am totally enjoying my walks again. Luckily the weather has been good and I have been able to wear my Nike's also the real Spring is only a short way off...  So the down part, I lost very little weight and I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed because I was, however; when I thought about it, I realized that even if I don't lose any weight, I am still going to continue on this path. Of course I will lose some eventually but that is not the main reason I am doing this... 

This is a long term way of life, it's not about until.... or when... it is about becoming my healthiest self. I think it is great to have weight loss goals but I have seen people reach their goals only to find out that isn't what fulfills them... Gaining the weight is a symptom of the underlying issues and no amount of weight loss will fix that without doing the work within. As I have written in the past, there are going to be bumps that try to derail me but I don't plan to sit on the sidelines and say oh well... I guess that's it, I failed. 

I haven't failed because I refuse to give up, believe me there have been numerous times in my life that I just wanted to say, that's it... I have had enough and I am pretty sure it will happen again. That is a part of life, I have felt lost and alone for a great deal of my life, I even wonder why I had to take this path, why couldn't I have had the easier path?... however; the truth is, there is NO easy path, I sometimes think there is because some people portray it that way but we all have trials that we have to overcome, many are really good at hiding them. Some of mine seem so much more challenging ...  Yet I refuse to give up...

I have questioned why it seams that way, there are many of my blogging friends that write about their trials and it saddens me that they are dealing with them... It literally breaks my heart and many times I wish I could take on their challenge so that they no longer had to deal with them... I feel that way about my children as I am sure most mothers do but unfortunately we can't do that as there is something that they need to learn... just as there is something I need to learn from mine...

I have been thinking about why it seems that I have to be alone in this life, for me that has been one of my biggest challenges... I don't want to hear it will happen for me, I have come to an acceptance that this is not a part of my future. It's not that I would turn down an opportunity but I honestly am not putting myself out there anymore... I guess my future was meant to be on another road. My sister would say I was giving up but that's not true, I just no longer want to repeat the old patterns from my past.  I do know that I deserve more, I deserve someone who would be kind, dedicated and who would love me as I have been more than willing to offer this to another person...

Frankly, it is their loss... I would be an amazing partner, especially since I have grown and come to a better understanding of what real love is about... it isn't about adoration and being grateful that someone loves me... it is knowing that I deserve to be loved and understanding that both of us would be lucky to find love with each other. Many couples I have met or known... are unaware what real love is... I guess that is what they need to learn... I needed to learn that being alone doesn't make me unlovable...

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Owning My Story

This morning I wasn't feeling well so I laid in bed a lot longer than usual, of course I played on my phone and I was on YouTube, I saw an interview with a singer I adore and I loved how real she was and she explained where a great deal of her music came from.. and how therapeutic it had been to write and sing those songs that ended up helping her to move on. It made me think of writing and how it has helped me over the years through one challenge after another.

When I first started writing in 2009, I did it to get my voice back after Andrey had raped me... I rarely wrote and I thought of it more as an online journal. I would think it was 'just' a blog... it wasn't until I had to deal with the pain of losing David that I really put my heart into my writing... still I would think what do I have to say that could ever reach someone else? Then last month one of the blogs I follow suggested that her readers share their older content on social media... so I started doing it, with it I started rereading many posts.

Some of them I would cringe at and think how could I have been so naive? Although my writing has evolved over time, many of them still touched me today, I can see how what I wrote could touch someone else, as it still resonated with me. We each have challenges we have to get through that we are so certain we won't be able to... I think it's important to own my stories and be real so that others that read my words will know there is a way out of the darkest times of our lives. I can honestly tell you, I wasn't sure there was many times over the past couple of years... but through this blog and many of you sharing your thoughts and feelings with me openly helped me to believe.

As well, it made me want to continue to open up... if others could help me, why could I not help others? This morning I reread a post that I wrote about a year ago and cried (in a good way)... I realized I am a good writer. In my own way I have the ability to reach out and touch people with my words. Is it scary to say that? It is because I am sure many people won't believe that, however; I have come to the point in my life that I need to own who I am .... Not everyone is going to like me and that is more than okay, I just need to be my best self and love me for who I am.

Fear does a lot of damage in our lives when we let it, the older I get the less I am afraid to be myself and say what I feel. It's a process getting there and do wish it hadn't taken me as long as it did... but I got there. Or I should say I am getting there, it is an evolution... learning more each day to get me to the next level. A couple of years ago, I thought about deleting many of the entries I had written but I decided they were a part of me, a part of my growth... and I am grateful that I didn't throw them away.

Besides, I was only going delete them to appease another person, then I read a quote that made me think, I knew then, keeping my earlier writings was the right thing to do... The quote went like this 'You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.' What I wrote was what happened to me, my feelings, my thoughts... I was just owning my story. . . 

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Joy Is Within

 I have been thinking about this post for a while, I have wanted to pick a word that I could ponder and incorporate in my life for this year and beyond. I had some great words and last week when I started writing about it, it never materialized... then a few friends gave me suggestions and I would think, oh... that's a good one. Yet nothing would come to me when I would think about writing about it. I spent my Sunday relaxing and catching up on all the blogs I follow... I knew I wanted to write tonight and when I came in to sit down... the word Joy came into my mind.... it's been something I have been thinking about for a while..

I have not felt joy for a very long time and this is the year I want to change that, it all started with forgiving her... I have to say, it feels good, she is still there, doing what she does best but I don't care anymore... what I care about is changing my mind and heart so that I can feel joy again. I have been so wrapped up in what I lost, what I don't have and what I feel the future holds for me that I was unable to see that nothing is set in stone, things change.. that is a part of life. What is the point of me being sad and not feeling joy? 

After injuring myself in November to the point that I couldn't exercise, I used that as an excuse to question why? Have I not had enough challenges, trials, losses? What was the point of me continuing to take care of myself when it seemed like an injury could come along and take away the little good I felt I had in my life. Believe me, whenever I was stressed I walked, whenever I was sad, I walked... I used walking to avoid my feelings. After being injured I had to start thinking about those feelings ... they were pretty difficult to deal with, so I tried to ignore them and eat. 

However; that is not acceptable to me any longer, I can't use that as an excuse to not take care of myself.... I started taking care of myself by forgiving her and I have been working on my surroundings, slowly getting that together.  Next was the word and I know it is a bit late coming but it finally came to me and I realize it's not just a word I want for 2016... it's a word I want to give thought about for my life. The truth for me is if there isn't joy, what is there?

Every last one of us has challenges, things that can drain us emotionally, physically and spiritually... if we don't have something to hold onto to get us through that... how are we to believe it can get better. For me, it is joy... it is much more than happiness.. it's a feeling that is possible even when a trial is happening because I know that no matter how challenging a trial is, joy will be there again. Somewhere along the line I lost that ability to see that as I was in a place I thought I would never get out of... so I questioned how could I feel joy again? Joy never left me, I just had a hard time seeing it. 

I have decided that one of the ways I am going to bring joy into my life is each day I will either write something down that I am grateful for, talk about it with someone or I will take a few minutes a day to ponder something I have gratitude for... Sometimes it is the small things that bring the biggest joy... I learned a great deal this past few weeks by forgiving her... I learned that joy is inside us, we just have to look within...

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