Someday I Will Know Why

Catching up has been a daunting task to say the least, I am hoping I didn't miss anyone... I follow a lot of blogs, I knew I did but it was still eye-opening.  It's been a busy week but really a good week, I sincerely missed being involved in the blogging world, it's like our own little family. Plus we are all open to meeting more people who are interested in being involved.  

This week I will be spending time getting my office completely organized, I purchased a huge cabinet so that I can get rid of all my smaller ones... It's quite the endeavor but it is going to be a great way of purging. I believe the more ready I am the easier the change will be, I really look forward to having time with Valentina and time for me to exercise. She even told me she wants it so that we can chat in the morning and have breakfast together...

I want to thank everyone for being so kind with your comments, part of my not wanting to write was because of the depression I am dealing with and not knowing how to be as  positive as I like to be when writing. I know we all have difficulties in life and it's not easy to have to read that someone is struggling, I am though... I am finding it a challenge to just get up, go to work and make it back home. Truthfully if it were not for my new friend, I often wonder if I would leave the house otherwise... Thankfully she is there to offer some outings that are good for me.

She has been the one who has come up with inexpensive ideas to make my home feel like a home because for eight years I kept thinking I was always going to move and I never truthfully settled here. Once I decided this is where I will be staying for years to come, she put up nice drapes, rearranged my kitchen to make it more open and comfortable... and found furniture for my office so that I will be set up for success to work from home... I feel like I am ready and I am grateful she has got me to that point.

I wanted to write with honesty here because although I am struggling ... I understand that many of us are dealing with overwhelming trials. Life isn't easy, nor do I expect that it should be. For with painful tests, they bring us experiences we might not aquire... It can take wisdom and years for us to see the benefits of any trial we may deal with... holding on until we can see the blessings from challenges is really all that we can do. I also am very aware that trying to have a good attidude will go a long way for me to handle the conflict given to me... 

Is it easy to always rise above controversy in our lives... no... but deep down I know it's worth it. I believe one day I will know and understand why I had to deal with something I felt I couldn't and maybe even be grateful... maybe. This is the reason that I keep putting one foot in front of the other... The knowledge and hope for the future...

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If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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Learning To Rise Again

I want to thank everyone for their kind comments and messages from last week, I had been feeling very vulnerable and overwhelmed... there are many changes I am dealing with as we all are and I know that none of us have it simple... The point that I wanted to get across last week was that there are times we all feel down and we need to be able to express this, we shouldn't live there as that isn't healthy for us either but I believe we all need to have our feelings validated from time to time. 

Our biggest successes in life come from rising after a fall.. no one likes to fail, it can paralyze us from trying again but if we allow it to stop us we will never grow... It's what I have been going through for the last couple of years. I have been frozen with fear to really give love a chance again and not because love didn't work out for him and me, I knew that for a very long time and had come to terms with it before.

What had me stuck for so long was how we had shared everything, all of our hopes, our dreams and how we were the best of friends. I believed I could count on him when I needed to vent or talk about a trial I was going through... and he could most certainly count on me, even today. When I lost that relationship I lost my ability to trust anyone. I put on the face, said the right things but deep down inside I was lost for a very long time. 

I had fallen further than I had ever fallen in my life... I kept thinking there was no way I could get back to trusting anyone and definitely not like that again... if he and I could share so many things on such a deep and personal level and still have our friendship fall completely apart... how could I honestly learn to trust anyone even a little? It was then that I thought about how trusting was really learning and that although I fell, I needed to continue to rise. 

I guarantee it will be difficult for me to fully trust anyone like I did him... but what I am willing to do today, is start to trust just a little and build from there. Eventually I will trust someone as much or maybe even more than I did him... When I think of other extremely difficult trials I have overcome, none of them were easy but I found a way to rise each time. For I never want to stop learning as that is how I will grow and become stronger.

Maybe that is what he was in my life for, to teach me that even if everything we believe in fails and we fall, it matters that we always rise and learn to try again.

 

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One Year Later I Can See The Light...

One year ago today, I woke up like any other day and I headed off to work, little did I know that it would end up being a defining day of my life. Some of those so called defining moments are the worst ones to bear, even when everyone tells me it will all work out for the best.  You all might be right, I still don't see it that way yet but I also don't see it the way I did that day.

That day I had to leave work early because my emotions were all over the place, when a client called in, I ended up bursting into tears... I quickly messaged someone that I had to leave, I looked for my quickest exit and I barely made it to the door before I was sobbing beyond control.  I walked a fair distance to catch the bus so that I could get my emotions under check. Still I sobbed on the bus, then at home... that was the night I stopped sleeping for nine long months.

The roller coaster of that day never really got better, it actually was worse... I just learned to deal with the ups and downs... mostly downs. I keep looking for the good in all of this, I have yet to find it... I know that doesn't sound positive and uplifting... But I have never been one to pretend everything is okay, when it's not...

However; saying all this, I have moved on from that day, I finally started to sleep about three months ago, which was a blessing... I have NO idea how I functioned on so little sleep?  I never want to do that again. Also, I don't cry most of the day anymore, which is so much better. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel but I held on when I couldn't see it because I KNEW it was there.

I think we all have defining moments in our lives that could totally tear our foundation apart and that day was one of those days for me... Somehow, I held it together and I came through. If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I would be emotionally, I never thought I would have come as far as I did.  Yes, I still have a way to go but at least I am on the right path now... for nine months I wasn't anywhere, I was in limbo... and that is not a place to live.

If I could change that day, would I?  I would if I could but of course I can't... instead I have to keep living with the fallout ... just keep moving forward. Even when I don't see the whole picture yet, the light is enough to keep me there until I can see the full picture.

I hope when I look back on that day in a year or two, I will see that everything happened the way it should have... for now I will continue to hold on to the light I can see because for nine months I couldn't even see that...

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What's Inspired Me

I have made some decisions in the past few days, due to some new insight I have gained in the last week, I am actually going to link up as many of the blogs as I can remember that kept inspiring me after I had made my decision... because that is where growth happens quickly, at least for me that has always been true. So before I post the links, I wanted to say a couple of things.

First I love blogging, it gives me an outlet to say what I am feeling and helps me to work issues out, I feel so lucky to have so many readers that follow me and comment on any given blog post I may write, I think that is all any type of writer really wants, some recognition that you have been heard.  Being heard, that is something we all want in this life and I found that here, plus the great thing too is that I get to read other people's insights which help me to grow and inspire me too.

Saying all the above, I have pressured myself to keep up to date with all my comments, I don't like disappointing anyone... hmm, people pleaser, I thought I had outgrown that in my early 40's?  Apparently I have revisited that recently, I have decided that I will be limiting my comments to be quality comments, ones where I am not just skimming to get to the next one.  I will still be visiting many blogs but I need to cut my comment time down as I have a number of personal projects I need to work on.

I might lose readers but I think the people who really like my blog will stay ... I have so many favorites that I could never list you all, people who inspire me each time I open a link.  I love that... it is why I continue to write and read, two of my passions.  That brings me to why I need to limit my comments, one I need to exercise... I use this place as an excuse not to sometimes, two I need to really write in my other blog for the book I am writing and three most importantly, I want and need to spend time with Valentina, I am a mama first.

I have to say I love every encouraging comment I receive here, it's another reason I comment, I know how good it feels to receive one and I never do it to get a comment back... I think it is nice to reciprocate but I do not in any way think it is mandatory.  I will still visit you all, I will still comment, it just won't be everyday.. I follow almost 500 blogs, thankfully not everyone posts every day, so it has been manageable but I am really shaking my life up.

I hope I remember everyone's link from last week, I will list them:

1.  It started with Ashly Rae from Ashly London, I think this is a fantastic read.

I am going to do this detox after I see my doctor next week, I am looking forward to the end result of how much healthier I will feel. 

2.  Then Dahi from Strangeness and Charms, sweet way to collect and save gratitude.

I do this with my on line gratitude journal, tomorrow will be 14 days.  I like her idea of the colored paper and I may do this down the road too:)

3.  Next was Vett from Real College Student of Atlanta, inspiring.

I loved her take on all the things which were recent thoughts and lessons learned, many of which I have learned or am now learning.

4.  Rick from Life 101, really great read.

I always enjoy reading Rick, he is laid back and thought provoking, this one was pretty deep with the question Why am I here?

5.  Sakshi, from Capturing Sunshine, who wrote this really insightful post.

It is something a lot of us feel at times but try to hide because it isn't easy to express ourselves openly, I really enjoyed what she had to say about when you can't express your feelings. 

6.  This blog really touched me, Happiness in a choice... it spoke to me.

The title was Finding Contentment... it is what we should all do, slow down, look around you and really live in the moment, be content. 

These are the ones that stood out that motivated me so much this week... big changes are coming for me but I do have to put the work in and I am more than ready, willing and able to... I look forward to the outcome.  I have to say there are so many of you that inspired me this week, people that normally don't write like that even wrote thoughtful posts. 

The last thing I need to say here is, if I had known before hand, I would have reacted another way but since I did not know before hand, then I reacted the only way I knew how, which doesn't mean I do hurtful things ... as that is not who I am.  This sums up my life ... this is the only way I can live, I cannot change the past, it is what it is, nor will I be held back by it in the future.  I can only forgive and move on... forgive myself and others.  I am the kind of girl who doesn't know how not to be open, I like being able to say how I am feeling, no matter what it is at any given moment. 

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All I Ever Wanted

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.   

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone...

You know I have been going through a lot of things lately with all the changes I have made in my life and I haven't disclosed all those changes because I believe some things are better left to a small group of people.  It's funny with all the changes that I wouldn't be more nervous, more scared or more wanting to run away and hide but I am not.  For example the food issues I have had all my life, I don't even miss the type of food I used to eat before, I don't even think once I have lost the weight I am going to eat that food again... I highly doubt I will... I just don't miss that food... Another example is exercise... I did a little over the years here and there but I never pushed myself to the next level... This time all I want to do is push myself to the next level and the one after that... I can hardly wait to challenge myself.  I am never sorry when I go out for a walk or a jog or even when I use the stationary bike... I am always thankful that I was able to accomplish those items and then I get right back and want to do them again.

If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched.

Saying all that, I have been pretty overwhelmed when it comes to my David and tonight just drove that home to me...  not that he hasn't been on my mind as usual because that would be a lie if I said that he wasn't.  Tonight I met with some higher ups in my church and I explained what David meant to me and how lost I would be without him in my life.  I explained that I had never been so close to anyone until I had reconnected with my David... When he came home in 2011 and we just stood in my hallway holding each other, with my head on his chest... I felt like I had found my other half.  This is not to say that I am not whole without him because that's not true but I felt more fulfilled than any other time in my life.

I guess that is why when my David realized he still had feeling for his ex that he had just broke up with a few months before...  and he told me he still wanted to be friends and although I knew that was foolish and was going to be painful, I just didn't think I could handle the hole that it would leave in my heart and soul if I didn't at least try to remain friends.  He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and yet he makes me cry sometimes.  In the past year and a half or so, I have flip flopped over and over again about remaining friends with him... Each time I come to the conclusion that I can't imagine my life without him... Lots of people tell me I would eventually get over him, I don't know that I would... he is my soul mate.. I have never loved anyone like I love him... nor do I think that it is possible to love someone else that much. 

So, I realized that I am walking and exercising to not think about David because last night after I had been to the physiotherapist I really was unable to walk and I felt it would be better to rest my knees and start out new this morning. Which was a good decision as I was much stronger this morning and I was able to walk 2 and a half miles and not feel completely tired out, then I went on the bike at work for 20 minutes and had another half hour walk later in the evening... all of which felt great.  But last night when I couldn't walk, I started thinking about David and I started to cry and because I couldn't walk it away or exercise it away, I opened that up again and now no amount of exercise is helping.

And I bet you didn't know
That she cries herself to sleep every
night thinking of you
replaying everything you ever said
everything you ever did
and wondering where she went wrong

Where did I go wrong???

I just have to take a break from blogging for a while and really focus on myself with working through this and getting my home organized so that I can be ready to move as soon as I find a place.  I realized last night that I could push my feelings down by one form after another form of addiction such as eating, exercising, blogging... etc but no matter how much I do to shove it down, it always comes back and it is bigger than it was to begin with... I have to take a week or two... hopefully not more and really get my head into a better place so that I will continue to get healthy by eating right and exercising.  Otherwise, all my old habits or addictions will come back to pull me down again, that is the last thing I want... I have to figure out a way to come to terms with everything so that I can get to the next level.  I need to stop substituting the pain I have with things... blogging, exercising, eating.... the list is endless... I need to deal with it, so that all the steps I have taken to better myself will actually help me.

I am going to miss everyone's blog... if I follow you and comment, believe me, I love your blog.  I don't follow and comment on someones blog to have them follow and comment on mine... I genuinely follow the blogs I do because I get to know you all and really care about what you are passionate about.  For this reason I won't be gone long, I know I won't be able to stay away from each of you... the blogs that make me feel so many emotions, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that make me think, even the lovely fashion blogs I follow... I just need that time I fill up with writing, reading and commenting on blogs to be available for me to work through some things I am going through. 

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone.. I don't want to slide back, I hope you all understand... besides... I will be back..;)

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Flexibility With Change

So the weather that refused to co operate with Andrea and Paul while they were here for their visit has now showed up.  Today is Saturday and all week this day has been calling for rain, so I planned to finally clean Valentina's room... well lo and behold it is beautiful, hot and sunny... so my plan has changed for this day as I feel it would be better if we went for a walk and went swimming at the lake.  Sometimes we have to be flexible and change our plans, the room will always be there for us to clean, a nice sunny Saturday spent at the lake will not always be there.

Last night when I got home from work I caught up on all my blogs and  then I was going to write but I was so exhausted that I decided to lay down, well that little nap turned into a full night sleep.  My body does get wiped out occasionally, I push it a lot lately.  Between waking it up at 4:00 or 4:30 am from Monday to Friday and then making it walk at least 2 miles every morning... by Friday night my body has had enough and makes the decision to rejuvenate itself by making me get some sleep.. hence why I rarely wake up to an alarm on Saturday mornings.

I do get up at a better time on Saturday, I used to sleep until almost noon but I don't like wasting my whole day off, especially when it is so beautiful outside. I am grateful for all my life changes and for how good all of them are making me feel.  I have more energy than I thought I would ever have, I am able to walk for great periods of time without pain or exhaustion.  I am seeing the results in my body becoming more and more toned each week and I am seeing it on the scales.  Yesterday was weigh in day and I have to admit I was nervous... I know the weight is going to take time to come off, especially since I am almost 50, there are no quick solutions... so I am trying to be realistic about the weight loss.

I hopped on the scale, stood there and didn't look down for a couple of minutes... I knew I had eaten properly and I had definitely put the effort into walking but I wondered if it would reflect on the scales... I finally looked down and saw that I had lost 2.8 pounds, so that is now a total of 17.8 pounds in four weeks and I have to say it feels wonderful.  I even went out and bought a measuring tape after work and finally took my measurements. I will be taking them twice a month, it would have been nice to have them from the beginning but that's okay, I am starting here now. 

I have people telling me that I need to treat myself from time to time... however; I don't think I am depriving myself, so I don't feel the need to treat myself.  Not that I won't ever eat what people consider 'a treat' again as that would be totally unrealistic but for now I want my body to only eat extremely healthy food.  My idea of a treat is having a small non fat frozen yogurt from Yogen Fruz... it has 100 calories and it tastes divine.  I don't feel the need to eat fried foods, chocolate or chips... I want my body to get used to the good food and then have a 'treat' on occasion as it was meant to be. This is a decision for myself and for my family... it isn't something I think everyone has to live by.  This decision is a personal one.

Anyhow, a funny story... I always say good night to my David by texting him... well last night I woke up around 11:30 or so and decided to send him a quick goodnight before I drifted off again... well, I woke up and looked down at my text that I had sent and it said Love you... lol... Okay, I do love him but I don't usually text that to him because we are best friends now... I then sent another quick one to say I actually meant to say goodnight and talk to you soon... Apparently I should never send a text when I am drifting off to sleep, as what is in my heart comes out in the text... Note to myself, only text when I am wide awake going forward.


My David probably didn't know what to think... I rarely say how I feel to him as he has moved on even if my heart has not.  I recognize and understand that he has moved on... apparently my heart does not.   So when I am as exhausted as I was last night, everything spills out and I am not clearly awake enough to keep those thoughts and feelings to myself.  I guess my heart takes over from time to time and finds a way to let my feelings out whether I like it or not... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Excuses Or Solutions

So, the past two days have been good with getting cleaned and organized.  The living room and the kitchen both look very good... all cleaned, mopped and de-cluttered.  Tonight I am going to complete my room and the bathroom, so that I can get groceries on Friday and then tackle my sweet Valentina's room on Saturday.  I know that one is going to be scary, she has the large bedroom and neither one of us can barely walk around due to the papers and toys...  many people have told me to let her clean it, if I did that her room would never be cleaned... she would be way to overwhelmed.  What she needs is assistance to really purge so that the bedroom does not get out of control in the future.  I do believe that as she gets older she should be maintaining her own room but until she is a little older I will help her so that she will not become completely overwhelmed. 


Tomorrow is weigh in day, it will be 28 days of walking and eating healthy.  I definitely feel better, I don't get as tired or out of breath when I walk up a hill, I don't have to take a break, I can just walk from my home to the bridge which is two and a half miles and roughly 45 to 50 minutes. The next challenge for me is actually crossing the bridge to the bus station in Dartmouth and then taking the bus from there to work, that would add roughly another mile to my morning walk.  Although I am afraid of heights, I need to get passed this one so that I can continue to challenge myself with the walking. I don't want it to be easy, if it was I am sure it won't be helping me to tone up or lose weight.   I am also contemplating buying a bike in the Spring, I should most likely have 40-50 pounds taken off by that time and then I could bike around the city.  I know many people who bike all year, that will not be me... the winter and the rain are not a fun idea of traveling for me, nor are they safe.

Now if I can convince Valentina that biking is fun, that way we could bike together... some of my fondest memories of growing up was when my two sisters and I would go biking all over the city.  We used to have quite the escapades, once time we thought we would take the back entrance into Clayton Park (Fairview and Clayton Park are built on hills) we came face to face with a massive hill and not one of us were able to drive the whole way up, we learned to drive in from Fairview so that the incline was more gradual.  That would be a great hill to walk up, it would really challenge me, I might do that the next clear day... one where there is some wind.  I am continually tying to think of things that I can challenge myself with... The one think I really need to work on is strength training as I have the weakest upper body, I am taking things slowly with that though, I don't want to injure myself... I want to build muscle slowly and learn how to do these exercises properly.

I am also going to swim this year, I used to love it so much but as I became bigger... I felt less comfortable with it, so I am going to get past that fear and just go swimming for the love of swimming.  I am hoping by the time the winter hits, I will be so involved with many activities that I will find a way to keep it up, no matter how cold it is outside.  I also want to set a good example for Valentina so that exercising and eating properly will become second nature to her.  I just read on FaceBook or Instagram that someone I know was looking for tips on how to get in shape, she advised she didn't have time for the gym as she is a working mom... that used to be my excuse.  Now I make time, that is the only way anyone can get into shape and get healthy. Until we are willing to do what we need to do to get healthy, we will have excuses that will hold us back... I had excuses... until I stopped with the excuses and got moving, I continued to gain the weight and came up with more excuses.  I am the only one who can lose the weight, no one can do it for me... I had to just start and keep going... it is becoming second nature for me.  If I can make it a priority, anyone should be able to... I am a very busy girl with working, traveling back and forth, being a mama and blogging regularly.

I think I have been one of the best excuse makers I know, if someone made a suggestion on how I could make a change, I had an excuse why it wouldn't work.  By changing the way I ate and exercised in the past month... it has made me think about the other excuses I come up with... the one about being able to clean my house, it just wasn't a priority.  Once I decided that it was top priority it is now getting done, unfortunately it is as simple as that... I am a girl that has looked for excuses all my life so that I could get away with my choices and behavior, now I am a girl is constantly coming up with solutions.  Which girl or guy do you want to be... the one with excuses or the one with solutions?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

There Is No Way To Hide The Truth Anymore

Before I start this blog, I am going to apologize up front... these past two months have been very hard and emotional for me ... I knew I could not go on the way I was and that I had to make some serious changes in my life.  I feared those changes because I suspected where they would take me, or rather take me away from.  I was right and today brought that home to me... have you ever came to a realization that you were never as important to someone as they were to you? 

I think I knew that for a very long time but I didn't want to see that so I hid it behind food and other addictions... it was easier that way, then I didn't have to feel that pain too.... this whole week has been leading up to today and I have been feeling it come, oh how I wanted to stop it, how I wanted to change the outcome.  That would mean giving into one of my many addictions... I don't just have one, I have many.  I think that is why when I took up exercising that I took it to a whole new level for me... I needed to make it an addiction, something I could pour myself into so that I wouldn't be able to think.

However; my body has different ideas and has been setting limits for me and it won't allow me to walk as much as I want to... it takes over and makes me rest... no matter how hard I try to push.  I am very determined not to go back to unhealthy eating so I sit her contemplating what I can do to take the pain away?  Nothing comes to mind, feeling it is all that I can do and let me tell you, it is hell to feel it... knowing I was never as important to someone as I believed that I was... I just want to get up and walk for hours to de-stress myself... but my body has other ideas. 

Instead I am writing, trying to get every awful and sad emotion out so that I don't give into any of my addictions from the past.  My tenacity has taken over and won't allow me to fall back into the darkness even though it was a much easier place to handle emotionally...  instead, all I can do is write or cry... my choice is writing at the moment, for I have cried so much in the past while that I wonder how many tears a person can have?

I am truly grateful that I have chosen to eat and live healthy, for as easy as it seemed to live with all my addictions, they just masked all the awful feelings I had inside... maybe if I had dealt with them awhile ago... I wouldn't be just now coming to the conclusions I have come to this week. Also, the fact that I will be turning 50 in a little more than two weeks really has me pondering my life.  All the choices I have made, all the time I have wasted.  It's almost surreal to be so close to half a century old and yet not feel like that inside. 

I am blessed to have great genes so that I don't look my age, which I love since I do not feel anywhere near that age.  As my oldest Andrea would say, I act like a teenager... I like to think I act a little more like I'm in my twenties... but she's right I definitely don't act my age, nor do I want to... I see women my age or a little older and I think why are you letting yourself go?  Is it really all that much effort to color your hair, put a little make up on, find a cute outfit...?  I don't even do this for a man... there is no man in my life and I find it hard to believe there ever will be, I do this for me... I don't want to give into my age and say oh well, who cares what I look like, I care... I like to look my best.

Anyway, I am going to lie down, take a nap and ponder what I learned today... Just because I am not important to someone as much as they were to me... doesn't mean I am not important... It just hurts learning the truth and having nothing I can hide it with...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Changes For A Lifetime

I took it easy today after I had walked over 5 miles on Friday, my knees have not completely healed from when I injured them in November.  The walking hasn't seemed to bother the knees, it is more if I am going down hill... I am going to look into physio this week just to keep on top of it, so that I don't cause any major issues.  As well my grand total of weight loss for 21 days is 15 pounds so far.... I am so determined to do this once and for all.  I also know that maintaining it will be the hardest part of the weight loss, this is a lifetime change for me.

I have really been enjoying eating healthy, my only issue is with the price of the food.  I think it is ridiculous that sweets and treats cost very little compared to fruits and vegetables. Regardless I bought only good food, I am not letting this weight control me any further for any reason. My body deserves nothing but the best, it certainly looks after me by walking wherever I make it walk and it gets me to work each day and back.  I am blessed and grateful for legs and a body that do so much for me... hence why I am going to look after them to the best of my ability.

I took Valentina out to swim at one of our many lakes in Halifax, due the weather being atrociously hot today... the humidex was at 35C today... that is incredibly hot, I nearly melted at times.  I thought it would be okay to wear a little pair of slip on shoes as I was not doing any great walking today, however; I learned my lesson again... if I am going to walk for more that 5 minutes at a time, I need to wear my sneakers, anything else is torturing my feet, which I have no desire to do this to my feet. 

So she swam for about an hour and a half and then we headed back home, just before we left to get groceries, her big sister Kim called (through the Big Sister/Big Brother program) and offered to take her swimming.  She was so excited and I was happy that she could get in another swim again while I went off to buy groceries.  One, I think whenever you can get a chance to go swimming, go for it and two I would much rather shop on my own than with a child... although my grocery bill was high, it would have had an extra 30-40 dollars with things she felt she needed...

The longer that I eat healthy and exercise, the more I wonder what took me so long to get to this point?  I know it doesn't really matter how I finally got here.. it matters that I am here now and loving the change.  Although it isn't easy, that's okay... I expect this to be one of the hardest and challenging life changes I have ever made.  It's feels good to me that even though this will be a lot of work, I want to do this, I want to make these changes and all the others I have ever talked about.

I remember reading an article one time about how once we made our mind up that the change would come quickly.  I thought, that is a nice pie in sky attitude, I really thought the change would be more of an effort ... but honestly it wasn't...  After not walking any distance for a few years (or longer), I made a mental decision to walk 21 days ago and I have not missed a day since then.  One of those days was a leisure walk on the boardwalk downtown but it was a walk and today was only two short walks, a mile in total probably but I got out and walked.  When I wake up I don't think what bus do I need to catch, I think where can I walk to and can I beat my last time...

I am not in a competition with anyone but me... yes I am in the competition at work but honestly that is really with me, this is mine to win or lose... I plan to win it.  There are other people that are dedicated to losing the weight but I don't see the determination in them that I have within me.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to get myself healthy. I am more tenacious and truthfully I am in this for the long haul...

I really wish that I could make other changes in my life and be happy with them... I guess one thing at a time right?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Free Falling.... Where Will I Land?

I feel like I did back in December... just trying to hold myself together... wondering if it is worth it...  I just feel as though I have a hole inside that I can't fill.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to help, instead everything I've attempted has actually left me feeling emptier.  I really thought that when I held it together over the holidays that I made it past some imaginary line and I was going to be able to cope with the future.

Lately though, it is a daily struggle to get through even a day.. .I have too much on my plate right now and I am trying so hard to see the good.  I know it's time for me to move but I am not looking forward to it, it's so huge, so much to do... with purging, packing, finding a place, finding people to help me move, unpacking... on and on... I am so exhausted thinking about it. 

Valentina is becoming a tween and with that she is finding her voice... which is good but difficult for me as the parent. Part of me wants to keep her a little girl for as long as possible but that is not what raising children is about.  It's about loving them and guiding them in the right direction, even when they go off track as teenagers... It's just very hard for me when she now starts to get upset with me and says hurtful things I know deep down she doesn't mean. 

I am in a place in my life where I don't want to argue with anyone, I want to get a long as much as possible.  That is a pipe dream when raising a preteen or teenager, even the best of them have their days and my Valentina is a very sweet girl but even she has her moments lately where she is voicing herself and not always in great ways...

I also have a new baby sitter starting in a week, Cindy found her for me... though I am happy about this... I will miss seeing my Cindy everyday and my never having to worry about Valentina while I was at work.  I knew she was being very well taken care of... now I have to get to know someone new and there will be growing pains as there is with any relationship... I really hope that Valentina clicks well with her as she did with Cindy.

Also, I am thinking of changing positions at work, I am the only one in my area that has not moved in the five years I have been there... because I was sure I wouldn't be able to deal with the change and the new learning curve that comes with any new job but I know it's time...

All of this is leaving me feeling rather lost and wanting to have something steady that I can hold on to... I reach out and there is nothing there... I am free falling and I am wondering where I will land when all of these changes happen. Part of me wants to see into the future and see that everything worked out okay... unfortunately we don't have that luxury... we have to keep going even though we have no idea where we will end up...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Sometimes All We Need Is To Listen

My head is all over the place, I can't seem to focus my mind... I have been writing one post after the other today, just to delete them.  I was going to write last night but I decided to read all the blogs I follow first, than I fell asleep, exhausted from all the emotional changes that are happening in my life.  I know that some of them are good but it is still hard to not be emotional about them. I know the move will end up being good once I can secure another apartment, it is just the limbo that is scary there.

Other changes that are happening are not as easy to deal with....  I can guess how people are going to react since some people have already reacted and I just don't want to hear what they have to say... I don't want to hear it will get easier with time, it's for the best, it's the right thing...  It's none of these for me... it's hard, it's emotional....It makes me cry... 

I have already heard, it could be worse...  and they bring up some awful story of someone dealing with some horrible challenge.  I know that, I know that it could be worse... I have dealt with a lot of difficult challenges from dealing with being burned in a fire as a child to being physically and emotionally abused as a child, to being in an abusive marriage... than being raped by him.  So I know what a difficult challenge is... I almost feel like they don't think I have the right to be sad about this... I see them shaking their head and saying oh LuLu (my nick name) so and so is dealing with this or that.

I want everyone to stop and understand one thing... we are all dealing with one difficult challenge after another, the last thing we should be doing is saying to someone that what they feel is silly and unimportant... it's important to that person.  I really believe that when we tell people that their feelings don't matter that this can damage the person, where they end up internalizing their feelings instead of expressing them.  We need to release the pain and there should be a safe non judgmental place to do this.

I become so frustrated when I say how I feel and someone wants to tell me how lucky I am that this all I have to deal with... really???  That saying about how we should never seek to judge another person unless we have walked in their shoes comes to mind.  I have almost come to the point that I won't say how I feel to certain people, I will just lie and say it's great, that is all they want to hear...

I personally want to hear the truth, even if I may not think it is important, I empathize, I let people feel and say what they need to... I don't stop them and say... that's all?  This doesn't make me a better person or more in tune... it just means I am willing to hear someone out and try to understand even if I don't completely understand myself...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Being Resilient In Tough Times

I am feeling a big change coming, it might have to do with work... I have been in the same position for five years and it's about time I challenge myself in another department.  Also it might have to do with getting healthy, this is huge, I haven't made this big of a commitment to myself in forever.  This is not something I plan on taking lightly, I am putting my all into it.  Yet I still think there is another change coming, maybe as early as summer... I am taking a wait and see attitude, I am not going to rely on anything until I see it come together.

Part of me is really excited for all the changes that are happening to me right now and in the future, part of me is a little fearful I won't live up to the challenges.  I just don't want to disappoint myself by not valuing myself enough to really put my heart and soul into each challenge that is placed before me or chosen by me.

I am trying to get myself into a really good frame of mind, where no matter what the outcome is, I will not let it define how I feel...  I think there are things that can devastate us for a moment in time but somehow we are resilient enough to get past those life lessons and even become stronger for it.  When I think about the many challenges I have overcome in my life, I am happy to see how far I have come.  I definitely have more growth opportunity in many aspects of my life but one thing at a time, otherwise I could overwhelm myself and then not accomplish any growth.

You know what I find amazing is how a song can bring up emotions that I swear I have under control, all I have to do is hear the first line and I am in a certain place in time or it evokes uncontrollable emotions.  Much like a piece of poetry does to me, I think songs are just poetry with music... Lately I have been writing a little poetry on the side, I share an occasional one on my blog but mostly I keep it for me... mainly because it's so personal and so emotional.  I am glad that I finally started writing poetry again after 25 years, it has given me another creative outlet.  I can never have enough of these.

These next couple of months is going to show how resilient I am... with the many changes I am going to be making in my life.  One of those changes will either go extremely well or extremely wrong... although that is very scary for me, I am going to go with it... if I hold back in anything, I will always wonder what if...?   I hope it's all worth it ultimately, I guess having closure is always a good thing, one way or the other...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

A Picture From The Past

Ever since I wrote about my mom the other day, I have been on a memory lane kick, I probably have too much time on my hands and my pictures are too close at hand.  I saw one of me when I was  23, my life changed greatly after that picture... that night I went out dancing and I ended up meeting Tony.  He was to become a huge part of my life for over 20 years.

When I look at that picture I see a girl who knew very little of how her life was to be shaped in the future.  Andrea was 5 years old at the time... I had just completed a year of college and I was unemployed.  I remember thinking back then, wondering how my life would ever change...  I was on assistance and there were many people around me in the same situation.

I knew I had to get out of the area I was in, it fostered the same situation for each family and their children that followed in their foot steps.  I did not want Andrea to follow on the path I had taken... I made changes after that move, I worked, and I went to school to upgrade myself.  I know I sounded like a broken record with Andrea as I am sure she would recall it that way; but I so wanted better for her.

Life is never easy but some paths are a heck of a lot harder than others, I really chose a way that wasn't simple, though I am grateful that I could be a stay at home mommy a lot of the time Andrea was little.  She and I had many days of fun where we would bake, play games, go to movies...  I am a much busier mama with Valentina because I am working and away from home from ten to eleven hours per day.  These memories of Andrea reminded me that it is really important for me to make that time with Valentina too.

Before Valentina comes home in a few weeks, I am going to dig out all my old board games and play them with her when she gets home.  Although Andrea was a sore loser while playing games, she learned to be a gracious loser.  Plus playing these games will give us a chance to talk about important things. Not that Valentina and I have issues talking as neither of us have that problem...  quite the opposite.  What I think it will do is have us set aside time to just be her and me.

One of the activities that Andrea and did a lot together was walking, we would just pick up and go for the day, we would be exhausted by the time we got home but we would have had fun going to the park and feeding the ducks or seeing some great site that Halifax has to offer, we are a tourist city with lots of interesting and inexpensive sights to see.  I had already decided that I was getting back into walking and taking Valentina with me, just more time to spend together.

It's interesting how a picture from the past can help you make changes in the future.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥