There Is No Way To Hide The Truth Anymore

Before I start this blog, I am going to apologize up front... these past two months have been very hard and emotional for me ... I knew I could not go on the way I was and that I had to make some serious changes in my life.  I feared those changes because I suspected where they would take me, or rather take me away from.  I was right and today brought that home to me... have you ever came to a realization that you were never as important to someone as they were to you? 

I think I knew that for a very long time but I didn't want to see that so I hid it behind food and other addictions... it was easier that way, then I didn't have to feel that pain too.... this whole week has been leading up to today and I have been feeling it come, oh how I wanted to stop it, how I wanted to change the outcome.  That would mean giving into one of my many addictions... I don't just have one, I have many.  I think that is why when I took up exercising that I took it to a whole new level for me... I needed to make it an addiction, something I could pour myself into so that I wouldn't be able to think.

However; my body has different ideas and has been setting limits for me and it won't allow me to walk as much as I want to... it takes over and makes me rest... no matter how hard I try to push.  I am very determined not to go back to unhealthy eating so I sit her contemplating what I can do to take the pain away?  Nothing comes to mind, feeling it is all that I can do and let me tell you, it is hell to feel it... knowing I was never as important to someone as I believed that I was... I just want to get up and walk for hours to de-stress myself... but my body has other ideas. 

Instead I am writing, trying to get every awful and sad emotion out so that I don't give into any of my addictions from the past.  My tenacity has taken over and won't allow me to fall back into the darkness even though it was a much easier place to handle emotionally...  instead, all I can do is write or cry... my choice is writing at the moment, for I have cried so much in the past while that I wonder how many tears a person can have?

I am truly grateful that I have chosen to eat and live healthy, for as easy as it seemed to live with all my addictions, they just masked all the awful feelings I had inside... maybe if I had dealt with them awhile ago... I wouldn't be just now coming to the conclusions I have come to this week. Also, the fact that I will be turning 50 in a little more than two weeks really has me pondering my life.  All the choices I have made, all the time I have wasted.  It's almost surreal to be so close to half a century old and yet not feel like that inside. 

I am blessed to have great genes so that I don't look my age, which I love since I do not feel anywhere near that age.  As my oldest Andrea would say, I act like a teenager... I like to think I act a little more like I'm in my twenties... but she's right I definitely don't act my age, nor do I want to... I see women my age or a little older and I think why are you letting yourself go?  Is it really all that much effort to color your hair, put a little make up on, find a cute outfit...?  I don't even do this for a man... there is no man in my life and I find it hard to believe there ever will be, I do this for me... I don't want to give into my age and say oh well, who cares what I look like, I care... I like to look my best.

Anyway, I am going to lie down, take a nap and ponder what I learned today... Just because I am not important to someone as much as they were to me... doesn't mean I am not important... It just hurts learning the truth and having nothing I can hide it with...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Changes For A Lifetime

I took it easy today after I had walked over 5 miles on Friday, my knees have not completely healed from when I injured them in November.  The walking hasn't seemed to bother the knees, it is more if I am going down hill... I am going to look into physio this week just to keep on top of it, so that I don't cause any major issues.  As well my grand total of weight loss for 21 days is 15 pounds so far.... I am so determined to do this once and for all.  I also know that maintaining it will be the hardest part of the weight loss, this is a lifetime change for me.

I have really been enjoying eating healthy, my only issue is with the price of the food.  I think it is ridiculous that sweets and treats cost very little compared to fruits and vegetables. Regardless I bought only good food, I am not letting this weight control me any further for any reason. My body deserves nothing but the best, it certainly looks after me by walking wherever I make it walk and it gets me to work each day and back.  I am blessed and grateful for legs and a body that do so much for me... hence why I am going to look after them to the best of my ability.

I took Valentina out to swim at one of our many lakes in Halifax, due the weather being atrociously hot today... the humidex was at 35C today... that is incredibly hot, I nearly melted at times.  I thought it would be okay to wear a little pair of slip on shoes as I was not doing any great walking today, however; I learned my lesson again... if I am going to walk for more that 5 minutes at a time, I need to wear my sneakers, anything else is torturing my feet, which I have no desire to do this to my feet. 

So she swam for about an hour and a half and then we headed back home, just before we left to get groceries, her big sister Kim called (through the Big Sister/Big Brother program) and offered to take her swimming.  She was so excited and I was happy that she could get in another swim again while I went off to buy groceries.  One, I think whenever you can get a chance to go swimming, go for it and two I would much rather shop on my own than with a child... although my grocery bill was high, it would have had an extra 30-40 dollars with things she felt she needed...

The longer that I eat healthy and exercise, the more I wonder what took me so long to get to this point?  I know it doesn't really matter how I finally got here.. it matters that I am here now and loving the change.  Although it isn't easy, that's okay... I expect this to be one of the hardest and challenging life changes I have ever made.  It's feels good to me that even though this will be a lot of work, I want to do this, I want to make these changes and all the others I have ever talked about.

I remember reading an article one time about how once we made our mind up that the change would come quickly.  I thought, that is a nice pie in sky attitude, I really thought the change would be more of an effort ... but honestly it wasn't...  After not walking any distance for a few years (or longer), I made a mental decision to walk 21 days ago and I have not missed a day since then.  One of those days was a leisure walk on the boardwalk downtown but it was a walk and today was only two short walks, a mile in total probably but I got out and walked.  When I wake up I don't think what bus do I need to catch, I think where can I walk to and can I beat my last time...

I am not in a competition with anyone but me... yes I am in the competition at work but honestly that is really with me, this is mine to win or lose... I plan to win it.  There are other people that are dedicated to losing the weight but I don't see the determination in them that I have within me.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to get myself healthy. I am more tenacious and truthfully I am in this for the long haul...

I really wish that I could make other changes in my life and be happy with them... I guess one thing at a time right?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥