What is the answer?

I am so far removed from what I want, it's like I just gave up. That is not me, I never give up ever. I am beginning to lose hope and when that is gone, what is left? What is the answer? Am I becoming jaded, is every nasty horrible thing that has ever been told to me just really the truth? I never wanted to believe it, I just thought it was other peoples issues, not mine. I try to be so honest, so open, so truthful and it always, always comes back to hurt me. I never learn, I keep up with the Pollyana attitude and keep believing that I will finally have what I have always wanted. Lately though, it has become increasingly more painful to keep myself so open. The pain it causes it way more difficult to deal with, it almost doesn't seem worth the reward.

Maybe I wasn't actually meant to be loved and cherished like I have always dreamed. If I was, wouldn't I have it by now? A small part of me wants to keep believing but it gets smaller and smaller each day. Pretty soon it will be gone, then I will be completely alone and totally sad. Won't that be fun?

Maybe all I need is some sleep, maybe then I can figure out what the answer is?

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