Becoming Whole In Time




I have been holding off writing all day, I actually wrote a blog on the way to work but it ended up being so personal I couldn't even share it here and I am pretty darned open in my blog.  Suffice to say it is going to be for only two sets of eyes, mine and Davids.  Also, I have been holding out writing because this day had been so emotionally difficult, the kind of day where it would have been better to stay in bed, pull the blankets up over my head and just cry until I felt better.

I did the crying part but I did that on the way to work, at work, on the way home... I cried all night.  I just have to think and I cry, I just have to breathe and I cry.  So, I have a pretty dry moment here and thought I would take the opportunity to see if I could get my thoughts down before I fall apart again.

Why is that we seem to be prompted to do exactly what we don't want to do?  I know we are supposed to have faith, remember the bigger picture.  I haven't really wanted to think of what I needed to do because it means being filled with an abundant amount of pain, not that I am not already in pain but this one is going to be overwhelming.  Everywhere I look, everything I read tells me to let go... I know these things happen with small whispers and they just keep getting bigger until I either follow or I am taken down myself.

I've known for awhile that this was to be my decision, I really, really don't like being the strong one... I just want to be the one who is taken care of, not the one who has to decide to do the right thing.  I have so much to lose and I am terrified, really terrified but that is when I have to do it the most.

So much for the dry moment, that is gone, now I am a sobbing mess.  I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days.  I have to work, I will just cry at work, on the bus, at home... All I can say is doing the right thing sucks, really sucks.  I have this need to want to make people feel better, happier, peaceful, joyful.... what I have to do won't do that, it will be sad and I will be the one who inflicts it but I need to do this to heal.   I have to heal or I will never be whole.



I have one thing I need to say, I love all of your comments, each and everyone of them are truly treasured but I don't want to hear that I am making the right decision... I know that I am but I am not happy:(  The good thing is this won't be forever, I believe in the bigger picture!


"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

6 comments :

  1. Thanks for your confidence and for sharing your feelings. Greetings, my friend

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    1. Thank you Armando... I can't be anything but myself... I don't know how. I wear my heart on my sleeve daily.

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  2. I always hated to be the stronger one too. All I ever wanted was and is to be taken care of and to feel protected but for some reason I end up being the stronger person for my whole family. It sucks, yes, but I believe that's my destiny and I can't fight that. That would be useless and energy consuming.
    Just go with the wind, sort of speaking and all things in your life will fall into their right places. That's one of my beliefs. I hope it works for you too.
    I'm looking forward to hear from you, sweet Launna :)

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    1. Thank you Petro... I am pretty sure all of you will hear from me regularly... mostly sobbing. I don't know how I am going to get through but I have to... :/

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  3. We all have these moments...I don't know exactly what your decision is about, but I could identify with your need to be the one taken care of...A few months ago my beloved has been diagnosed with a terrible disease and ever since that day I feel like I grew sooo much older and so much lonelier. I keep having an inner roar inside me...I know I shall never be the same again, I almost wish he fell in love with smb else and break my heart, that's how much I suffer...but please allow me to assure you that in time...it gets a little better...Just a little better but it's a sure thing.

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    1. I know it will get better... at least I hope it will. I pray things get better for you, how sad. Thank you so much for posting on my blog... I am touched

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I love and appreciate all genuine comments, to save a little time, I won't be commenting on the comments on my blog (unless you don't have a blog), I will just visit your blog and comment there, if you have left a meaningful comment for me... I would much rather spend the time reading and commenting on a few extra blogs ❤