Some Epiphany's

While your experiences of your past will shape you, in no way do those experiences have to define you. ~ Carole Brody Fleet

"We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present." - Marianne Williamson,

Waking up to what I've been doing to myself for years is hard. Hard because I know that it is me that limits myself and tells myself I don't deserve the best. Why have I so readily believed that voice for so many years? I guess it's because it sounds familiar and comfortable even though it is so wrong and not true.  I also believe I had to go through many of the challenges that I've gone through to get to this point in my life. The funny thing is that I really shouldn't make it so hard on myself, I shouldn't have regret for not making changes sooner, I think it had to be that way for me to learn.

I have had a couple of epiphany's in the last week, one that if I really want to share my life I have to be ready. One way I need to be ready is that I need to act like I already have him by having my closets and drawers organized and ready for him to move in. Second, I realized I have chosen or attracted men that ended up having no power over their children lives. That comes from a fear of my moms, she lost all of her children to her mother and my father except for Krista (she lied to her and never came clean). I don't lie to my children, I just choose men who would never be able to win custody in court.

I've also seen this cleanse as being very eye opening. I had feared that I may not be as happy as I am without the things I use to fill my life. I found out that although I miss David terribly (I can barely wait to talk to him on May 10th), I'm still a very upbeat and a happy girl. I'm thrilled that never changed. I've also seen that there have been challenges I've had to deal with that I have handled. So now I see my friends going through horrible life altering changes. I can finally be there for them, the way they have been there for me.

Having my faith has been incredible, I'm so ecstatic I am back where I belong. I know my faith can only help me grow. It's so wonderful to feel the spirit more and more. I just need to pray and read my scriptures more diligently. I am taking one step at a time. I don't want to overwhelm myself to the point that I give up, I would rather take it step by step until I get to each place I need to be.

Blessings In Disguise

I was reading over some of my initial posts, in the beginning I thought I would write a story of my life that I have lived through letters.  But almost immediately I was more compelled to write smaller excerpts of my life.

I've been thinking that I should give a little more background story, especially since I'm going through this cleanse that is making me think a lot about the past and how I want to change my behaviors that are not good for me.  So here goes.

When I was 17 years old I found out I was pregnant, talk about scared.  I had no idea what I was going to do.  Andrea's father was not supportive in any way shape or form, he was 21.  He actually tried to deny paternity, I was so angry and I told him when I proved this child to be his, he'd be lucky if he'd ever see them again.

He changed his tune quickly but he never became the man he should, he was pretty self centered. He had already broke up with me on 2 different occasions. When I had Andrea on September 29th, 1981, he came to the hospital and begged me to take him back.  I took him back but advised him if he left me again, I would never take him back.  10 months later he left and true to my word I NEVER took him back although he begged me incessantly. I even wondered what I had ever seen in him.

So I ended up being a single mom at the very young age of 18 and I can tell you this, it was hard and it was stressful. I lived on a very tight budget but I always made sure that Andrea never did without. I wasn't always the best mom, I knew so little about how to raise a child, I was barely an adult myself. I worked on things over time and I have forgiven myself.  No need to dwell on it or live in the past. I must have did something right, otherwise Andrea would not have turned out to be as wonderful and successful as she is, I do credit a lot of that to her tenacity and determination; which she got from me.

I met the first love of my life when I was 23, Tony... I really thought he and I would be married. We lived together for 2 years and even after we were in and out of each others lives for over 23 years.  Tony just couldn't be faithful though and that would have driven me crazy.  He's married and now he is her problem. He actually disappointed me more than any other person in my life, when I told him I was raped, he asked me what I expected?  He blamed me... unbelievable, such an archaic thought pattern.

I didn't date again until Andrea was 18 and I was 37, that was Andrey, Valentina's papa...  There was a man who didn't love himself, so much self loathing that he took it out on me many times over the years. We met in October 2000, we married in May 2001.  It wasn't always awful, it became awful within a year.  Although I do have to say there were many signs now that I look back on the past.  Finally we separated on May 2004 but I continued to look after him when he was unable to do this for himself.  All of that changed the night he raped me on April 13th, 2008. He's pretty well been in jail or the hospital since that time. It's pretty sad that this is the father that Valentina has, she is a very lucky little girl though, she has many people who love and adore her and I will always be there for her.

Not long after the traumatic experience of being raped by my ex, this made me want to make many changes in my life.  I found the job I am currently in and I love it, I also found the apartment that I wanted.  Unfortunately I went down a very long dark path for nearly three years of my life. Trying so hard to cover the pain of being raped and degraded over the years. Finally, I started getting a handle on my life and my feelings.  David was sent into my life and he showed me the truth about me, I am just as amazing and wonderful as he tells me.  I needed to have him come into my life to shake my life up and remind me of my true self and inner core.

Although I have had really terrible and degrading things happen in my life, I am not defined by those incidents.  I am defined by how I rose above it all and became who I was truly meant to be. I am a very lucky girl and extremely blessed.