Far Too Long

It has been so many months since I have sat down to write, it's not that I haven't wanted to write, as I have written many posts in my head. Sometimes no words would come which frankly I had never dealt with since I started writing... All I had to do was sit down at the computer, start writing and the words would spill out faster than I could type. I didn't understand how words failed me when it has always been what I could fall back on to when my life took twists and turns... I always felt like writing helped me to make sense of the tests and trials I have had to deal with... we all have had to deal with. 

I thought back to the past and what each trial or test had taught me over the years ... I have always ended up seeing the wisdom of why I had to go through things I often wondered if I would survive... Many of those trials taught me empathy, forgiveness, love and what true beauty was...

That was until I lost 'him' as I best friend, I had to put that one in a box and stop trying to figure out something I could not seem to find an answer for... then I ended up getting injured and it changed my life in a way I never believed I would ever see. I had worked so hard to get myself healthy and into shape. I was thankful and extremely grateful that I had found the path I was on and I was so happy to be there... now my health has been slowly declining. 

I force myself to go out when I don't feel like it, I walk short distances to keep myself mobile... every step is painful, sometimes unbearable. If it's not my legs, it's my back... I just cannot understand what this trial has to teach me, what am I supposed to learn from this? I keep thinking is this it? Is this how I am going to feel for the rest of my life?  I know there are many people that have to deal with chronic pain in their lives, I had no idea how they coped, nor did I want to know... I felt blessed that I was in minimal pain and that I could exercise often.

I don't want pity from anyone for where I am today as I am sure most people who deal with chronic pain don't want that either. I just want to deal with the pain better than I have been handling it... I want to hold onto hope that things can change, maybe even learn why this trial was given to me... however; at this time I am not close to learning and hope seems too far away for me to believe it will change. I am not trying to be negative about what I am going through, I am trying to find the good things that I have in my life. Truthfully, if I were to sit down and write all the blessings I have in my life, they would be endless... yet I would get to this trial and be stumped... unlike being able to put losing 'him' in a box... I can't put my physical health in a box, I have to deal with it daily. 

Anyhow, I wanted to thank many of you who reached out to me over the months making sure I was okay. I honestly can't thank you all enough. I kept up with my other social media because it was easy to like a picture or share a post... at least I could keep up you all and know how you were making out. I have truly missed writing... and I have missed the blogging world... we have a pretty close community. I have come to know so many of you through other methods of social media, I am pretty grateful for the technology that gives us the ability to be and stay in contact with one another. 

I'm going to write at least once a week, more if I feel the need and I am going to take this next week to catch up with all of your blogs. I am looking forward to getting back into the blogging world again. It will take me a little time to get back into the swing of it, I know once I am back on track... it will be like old times... I have been gone for far too long...

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Challenges Can Turn Into Blessings

I started this post a couple of days ago on my phone, originally when I started I had a list of items that I felt were holding me back from progressing but as I wrote, I realized a lot of what I was thinking that was holding me back was actually a blessing. Kind of an a ha moment that helped me see things differently and I started to appreciate it. I am leaving the rest of the post as is, I want to remember how writing this down showed me the answer.

I'm very unsettled because I know the life changes ahead for me cannot even start until some long term ones happen. The first being able to move which won't be happening until next summer before Valentina starts junior high. Unfortunately the longer I stay here, the more I feel stuck. I actually never even made the place homey by decorating or putting pictures up. My next place is where I want to unpack, put pictures up and make the place mine. I'm hoping to bury some memories that way too.

I'm anxious to close the door on my past from where I live, there are too many memories of 'him' and not necessarily things but moments and memories that come from being here. I want to start fresh... being here reminds me too many times of 'him'... they dance behind the scene until a sight or smell reminds me of the past.

Second I want to complete both courses to get my paperwork so I can run payroll anywhere in Canada. However, I'm having challenges with that now, one course is waiting on upper management approval and the second I need to pay for upfront... then get my money back. Unfortunately it looks like I might need to replace my washer... a necessity in this household, so school would be on hold.

I was feeling panicked to complete both courses by the end of the year because if I don't I will then need to work a year in the field to get my papers to have my PCP. I was frustrated with the road blocks placed in my way, when I thought about it I realized I can get a job in the payroll field just with my work experience here and the fact that I completed the courses.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, it might actually be better for me to take one course at a time and give it my full attention. That way I will have time for living a bit of a normal life too, maybe even start dating again. I think I have put that on hold long enough, I just wrote about needing balance, I think this is a much better way of attaining that goal. Besides I don't want to add more stress to my life that most likely wouldn't benefit me in the long run.

Challenges can turn into blessings, it is just hard to see sometimes... 

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A Little More Than Five Years Ago

I should be sleeping, as if that isn't what I have been telling myself for nearly ten months... I think when the upheaval started in my life the end of September, it threw everything out of whack for me... even though I am feeling more at peace in my life now, I still don't sleep any longer than a few hours at a time before I awaken... then I fall back to sleep.  In the beginning I worried about not getting the proper rest I needed to actually handle my day to day life and although I don't think it is a wonderful thing to go through life without proper sleep, the kind where you dream... I have managed to live and find ways around not getting deep sleep.

So, my Valentina came home from camp, she thoroughly enjoyed her time there... except for the massive bug bites she received... note to self, always remember bug spray in the future... apparently there are lots of mosquito's and such in the country.  I really missed her and it looks like she is going away for another week this Saturday.  She is excited because it gives her the opportunity to hang outside, play and swim, so I am very happy for her.

Also, just a bit of a catch up with everyone, I ate pretty well this week and better than that, I exercised four of the last six days ... it felt amazing. Unfortunately I was really ill over the weekend, not sure what it was... but it kept me indoors, I am feeling much better now.  I have even decided that I want to find a few people that will walk with me, however; I need them to be a little competitive, or they may end up walking by themselves as I don't want to just amble along.  This is why I have decided to look for some groups in my area of like minded people.  The more the better, since I want to exercise regularly... I want to set myself up for success.

A friend I hadn't spoken to for a while contacted me and we had a really good talk, the kind I haven't been able to have for a long time... I hadn't realized how much I had bottled up inside myself until we talked, it was a great release. I hope we can talk more regularly ... although we did promise to make time for each other, I know it will take a lot of work.  I am prepared to put in the work... hopefully my friend will too... I think we all need someone we can just say whatever we need to say and not worry about how it will sound.

Today I realized it has been a little over five years since I started my blog... I remember writing my first post and publishing it... I never thought I would write over 700 posts since that day. Everyone who has read my blog, knows that I started to write it to give myself a voice.  I had lost myself along the way when I married my ex Andrey and after he raped me in 2008 I went inward and tried to forget it. Of course that never works, that only serves to destroy a person.  Talking about it was the only way I came through to the other side... once I started writing, I started talking more and once I did that, I found myself and my voice.

Then in late 2011 I fell in love with 'him' and he became the center of my life and my blog... mainly because he was my best friend and he helped me to want better for myself.  I grew a lot in the two plus years we talked... one of them being that I found my self esteem that I had been missing for so many years.  Two, I remember when we first started dating and I used to think how lucky I was to be with 'him'... then I remember last summer thinking how lucky 'he' and I were that we made it through dating and stayed friends.  Today, almost a year later, I honestly believe, 'he' was lucky to be with me.

I know that sounds conceited but I am not, nor have I ever been.  I say that now because I can look back with open eyes and see that I gave a hundred percent of myself to 'him', even when I knew we were only friends. I would never have walked away from 'him' for any reason... that is why 'he' was lucky to be with me, I would not turn my back on him for any reason, not even now.  

A little more than five years after writing my first post, I can look back and say it was one of the best things I ever decided to do in my life.  I found a passion with writing... this was something I wanted to do for years. Also, I connected with many people across the globe, something that I never would have done without the blog.  I have wanted to travel for years, writing this blog makes me want to travel more, I would love to meet many of you. I am not going to write names because there are so many and I would never want to leave anyone out. I am just grateful for each and everyone of you for being there for me as I hope I am there for you too.

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Joy Will Burn Out The Pain

I thought I had an easy pass this weekend, I had written two blog posts last weekend before I came back.  The first one was the one I posted, the second one I went to post yesterday and of course I read through it first... I then thought better of publishing it, it is a little too raw, a little to much of me.. something I will share later.

Instead, I felt compelled to share this quote:  

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. ~ Joseph Campbell

This quote touched me because I have been feeling very little joy in my life, if I am being honest and I always am... I had begun to wonder if joy was something I would ever feel again.  I have happy moments, I have many blessings in my life but I had not felt joy for a very long time.  The kind of joy that takes your breath away... that quote made me remember that until I could find the small joys, I will never have the breath taking joys.

All of this came from reading what I had written and I wanted to share one small part of it.... I realized I had been waiting for something that was never going to happen, I was waiting for 'I'm sorry' ... and a light came on, where I learned that by waiting I was actually stuck.  I didn't like that feeling, that is not who I am, I have survived a lot of trials and challenges in my life that others have not...  I not only survived, I thrived and became better for each of those trials.

I have decided that I don't need to hear the words anymore, not that it wouldn't be nice to hear but it is not necessary anymore... I believe doing this will bring me some peace... this is somewhat like forgiveness, sometimes you have to forgive, just to free yourself... I have to let that idea go, if I am to free myself to feel joy again. 

I saw this final quote while searching out quotes on joy and it really cemented the first quote more.. The joy is inside us, for me, I just have to let myself see a small part and that small joy will burn out the pain. 

I took a step forward today, I made a commitment to myself in that I will take the steps I need to, so that I can feel the breathtaking joy I know exists.. I have to admit that it is a scary thought, because as wonderful as that joy is the flip side is pretty dark... I do believe it is worth trying though, otherwise in a year, I will still be in the same place that I am now and I am not going to let that happen... I lost the weight in less than a year, I will find that small joy... the one that will burn out the pain.

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/josephcamp384345.html#URD623LbJV2rosuC.99

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/josephcamp384345.html#URD623LbJV2rosuC.99

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/josephcamp384345.html#URD623LbJV2rosuC.9Joseph Camp

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Trials Equal Blessings

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I logically know that I cannot control anything,  yet I am continually trying to control something in my life.  Today I was at work and waiting in between calls, just thinking how far I have come since June 15, 2013, when I started my journey to get healthy and lose weight.  I got on the scale at work this morning and was pleasantly surprised that I was down 65 pounds since then, I have less than 25 pounds left that I want to lose.  This goal is so within my reach, I have taken to walking a little in the morning and at lunch.  I have been working late most of this week so I haven't been able to walk in the evening and Valentina has been sick for about 10 days so we have not been out to the Canada Games Center.

I am giving her the weekend to feel better, she is starting to but I don't want her over doing it and becoming sick again.  So, I won't be back to the gym until Monday... until then I am going to find times to walk, even if they're only for 15 or 20 minute intervals. It is better that I exercise a little than none at all.  I like that I don't dread going out and having to walk now, I usually get out, start walking fast, do a few sprints and then walk fast again... I always feel rejuvenated once I have been out and really pushed myself.

Everyone is saying it's great that I have lost the weight, some people think a little too fast, I don't think so, I really have put a lot of effort into this, besides I have found that it is the one thing I can control right now, eating healthy and exercising as much as I can.  Everything else in my life is up in the air, I personally need to have that one place that I don't feel like I am spinning out of control...  I just want a few things to settle in my life, so that I won't feel like I am going around in circles all the time.  It can be difficult to deal with when it sometimes feels like I don't get a break before the next trial is tossed my way.

I sound like I am not grateful but I am, I am really blessed and very thankful.  When I am having one thing handed to me before I feel like I have the last issue resolved, I start reminding myself of all the great blessings I have in my life.  Sure there are some missing pieces, we all have those but I have so much to feel gratitude for... some days I have to work a little more than others reminding myself of them.  However; I never give up on believing that nothing remains the same, life is always changing and just because my situation doesn't look great right now, does not mean that it won't or can't shift.

I honestly believe that each challenge I have been given in the past few months are ones that will help me to grow beyond what I thought I was capable of... I have to say though, it has been awful, really awful.  Those huge challenges might come with great rewards but while I am going through them, they are overwhelmingly tough.  Right now I am reminded of that story about how we are being sanded and polished with each challenge, I am thinking enough is enough.. a few rough edges are okay with me. Personally, I don't mind a few places that are not polished perfectly, that can come later... however; maybe I don't know best.

I guess I have to give up trying to figure out how to control everything in my life and remember that just because I cannot always see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is there because it has always been there.  I want to get through this and look back, breathe a sigh of relief and think wow, I made it through and it was worth it... maybe I can say that in the near future.

Life's A Lesson, Live It, Learn It, Love It

I ended up having a pretty good day with Valentina... I had wanted to go to the lake but found out they were closed due to the bacteria count... so, we ended up at an outdoor pool.  If it was up to Valentina, she would have swam all day but two hours was my limit of sitting around doing nothing and I needed to head home.  I'm glad we went downtown for a couple of hours, I even got in a short walk... I'm planning on a longer one tonight.

                                                           

I feel the need to walk, I have SO much going on in my mind and I just need to be able to clear my mind.  I wonder if that is even possible?  However; it does feel great to walk and push myself beyond what I think I am able to handle... plus all this exercise is amazingly good for me... I love how great I feel... One month ago I never would have believed I could walk this much and actually feel good.

I'm feeling a little melancholy... especially after what I wrote to my David last night... the ONLY way that came out through a text was because it was inside me...  He's been busy and we haven't had the time to talk like we normally do, which is hard for me as I save up all that I need to say to him and once we talk it spills out so fast I am hardly breathing.  Then I can sigh and take a deep breath... I need a good chat with my best friend.
                                                                              

Doesn't talking with your best friend help make things better?  Or at least give you a better perspective?  That's what my David does for me... he helps me to see things differently...  he makes me laugh.... although I have laughed lately, I haven't laughed the way I do with him... One of those silly, giggly laughs where I do nothing but smile...

I know this is going to sound silly... I'm looking forward to turning 50, which is in ten days.  My life is pretty good... not perfect but good (perfection does not exist)... I love that I have goals that I'm working towards... I am watching them all come to pass... one after the other.  I just have to continue to believe that everything will work out as it should.

I read this quote/saying on my friend Jaimie's Facebook page and wanted to share it... even if we have heard similar things often it is wonderful to be reminded of them, especially when times are a little rough: 

 Life isn't meant to be easy. It's meant to be lived. Sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.

Life's a lesson. Live it, learn it, love it

Even though life does not go my way as often as I would like it to... I need to be reminded that I am truly blessed... It's okay to be a little sad, a little reflective and a little melancholy at times... just as long as we don't wallow in it all the time...  That last line is very true... Life's a lesson, live it, learn it, love it....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Unique Miracle Of Us

I REALLY love that quote above, especially the last line about 'Every person is an unrepeatable miracle'.  We are all unique... I always talk about about how quirky I am but the truth is we all are a little quirky and that is okay.  I remember spending so much time trying to fit in when I was in junior high, I didn't always measure up and so I was made fun of regularly.  Today I look back and think how grateful that I am an individual, being truly unique is a gift of it's own.  We all have that capability to be unique, we don't all take it... all for fear we won't fit in.   I say stand out, be your quirky self and enjoy the miracle of us.

We shouldn't be doubtful of the miracles that can happen, I think we all took a look at our lives that we could write a list of them.  Some of my miracles are that I survived a fire that burned my body by about 60% at the age of fifteen months, it was in 1964 and I even made the newspapers across Canada stating it was a miracle I survived... no doctors thought it would happen.  Having my two daughters are amazing miracles in my life, as challenging as it can be... it can never out weigh the massive blessings that come from being their mommy or mama.

I know that I have been doubtful but the last couple of days, I have been taking ten to fifteen minutes a day where I turn off all the sound, close my eyes and start listing what I love, I am specific about each thing, I am grateful for each thing.  I started doing this because I was reading a book that posed a question about how much do you really love?  We give up too soon because we doubt whether we deserve it but we do, we just have to say the feelings out loud and with gratitude.

Those ten to fifteen minutes a day have been really wonderful for me, I am finding that I am doubting less... The truth is that what you give out is returned... I plan to give out as much love and gratitude that I can and I will take the time to feel both emotions with my heart as I send it out. I feel blessed knowing that each of us are a unique miracle....

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Our Super Power

Every person has a super-human-power deep within them that can transmute fear into freedom, lack into lots and limitation into liberation. That Super Power is called GRATITUDE! ~ Brad Morris

I read this quote last week and I saved it away in my emails... I was going through my quotes today and saw it again.  It really made me think, especially since I am such an advocate of facing my fears so that I can have freedom and joy.  When I read this and thought about how gratitude can get us there,  ever since I have had my surgery, I have nothing but gratitude in my heart daily. 

I am grateful for the many wonderful meals that have been prepared for me in the past couple of weeks, for the people that have driven me to and from the hospital for appointments, for the people who came into my home and helped me do the laundry and dishes. For Cindy who is taking amazing care of my Valentina, for Valentina who prays for me nightly, for my friends who keep in contact with me by either calling, texting, facebook messages.... There have been endless blessings sent my way in more ways than I can count.

I am sure I cannot say thank you enough, I don't know if anyone knows how truly grateful I am and have been for all that people are doing for me.  So I can totally agree with the quote above, gratitude is mine and it is our super power.  We all have the ability to be grateful for something in our life, I know that there are things that get us down, things so dark and difficult that many of us could never understand.  We are given the challenges we can handle by having gratitude for the blessings we do have in our life.

The most important blessing in my life is my family and my very close friends... I feel gratitude for them everyday...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Looking Back On My Year 2012‏

We all inevitably look back on the past year, take a moment to ponder how we handled certain challenges and tragedies, mostly how did we handle the good times. Did we really remember how blessed we are? 

You would think by my last few posts that I don't seem to remember that I'm blessed but that's not true.  I know that I'm blessed, I have SO much to be grateful for. When I count my blessings, it always amazes me how lucky I am and have been.

Although I don't have very good memories of 2012, I know that down the line I will grow from all of this.  I never give up, I always find a way to keep going.  Then just when I think I'm satisfied with my life, something wonderful happens to show me that life is not all about sadness. 

Although this year challenged me more than any other year that I can remember; I can honestly say that I'll never trade any of the beautiful memories that led up to 2012.  There were times that I questioned whether they were worth the pain that followed. 

No matter what road life leads me to in the future, I'll never regret those amazing few months of 2011. I was honestly never happier in my life, I felt whole, complete and I felt I was right where I was supposed to be.

Life had other plans for me, somewhere down the road; I'll know the reason why, it will all make sense.  Until then, I don't plan to think too much about 2012, I want to look towards 2013 and the future. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Thoughts On Two And A Half Hours Sleep

I was up most of the night last night.  I kept waking up, dozing...  I was so tempted to stay home and rest my leg and get some much needed sleep but as a single working mom, I don't have that choice.

I'm already making up time from missing a Monday, this would only be adding to it more.  If there is anyone who wants 2012 gone now, it's me. I had such high hopes for this year, it just didn't work out the way it should have.

I'm stuck in Nova Scotia when my 'D' is not feeling good.  I want to be there for him, I want to take care of him.  I just sit here worrying and praying that he'll be okay and mostly that he won't have to go back in for surgery again.  It seems like every other person I talk to is having great difficulties... how I wish everyone's load gets a little lighter soon.

I'm trying to stay positive and uplifting, especially with my David. He's finding it difficult to feel good when he keeps having these set backs.  I know how he feels though, my leg starts getting better then I walk somewhere and the pain sets in for a couple of days. It's hard to keep myself up but I don't give up, if I did I would never get out of bed.

I wonder when I'm just going to feel like myself again?  I don't expect perfection, I just want to feel okay.  Battling your health is nasty, I've known how blessed I was, I can't wait to feel that way again.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Challenges Can Bring Blessings

Even when times are difficult or challenging–especially when times are difficult and challenging–the present is always an opportunity for us to learn, grow, and become better than we've ever been before. ~ Hal Elrod

I want my reality back, not the one I have right now.  This one is too hard to deal with emotionally.  How could every thing be so wonderful and than be changed to what my life is now? 

I have began wondering if one day I will feel whole again?  I've been in so many pieces for such a long time.  I remember a time I felt complete...  it really was an amazing time in my life. 

Everything I read and hear tells me that we have to be broken down to be built up to something better.  When will I be built up again?  Am I doing something to prevent myself from growing?  Lately I've felt that it is me that needs to make a huge change, one I'm terrified of; one that makes me cry. 

I've held back hoping I was wrong, now I'm beginning to believe it's the only way to move on. Otherwise I may be in this same spot in a year, five years, ten years.  Don't I truly want better, to be deliriously happy?  Maybe part of me believes that I'm not meant to have that kind of happiness? 

I have never had any long lasting happiness, all of it has been fleeting; only to become more sad and broken each time I try...  maybe I just have to give myself over to the whole process.  No matter how it feels, just let it be and build from there.

I know this is not the most uplifting post but my blog is my journal, it is about how I feel on any given day or moment.  It is my place to work out my feelings, it helps me to see where I have been and where I am going.  This year has been the most incredibly hardest year of my life... one I was not sure I could get through.  I am here though, still working through my emotions... still standing when even I didn't believe in myself.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Changing The Outcome To Change The Cycle

Faith precedes the miracle!

I feel like my life goes in circles, I learn a lesson, I feel enlightened and then I'm tested and often I fail. I try again and I go through the same cycle; constantly trying to change the outcome so that I don't end up back where I started. My goal is to move forward daily, doing better than the day before.

Some days I succeed, others I wonder if I'll make it through.  I feel selfish sometimes as I'm well aware that there are people in this world who have a much more difficult life than I do. People that have overwhelming challenges that blow me away.

When I constantly remind myself of this, it shows me just how blessed and lucky I am.  I unfortunately seem to be one of those people who need to have it driven home to me daily instead of having the faith to believe.

Until I learn to have faith, I will continually be caught in that vicious circle where I'll never find true happiness.  What if this is what I need to learn to have what I truly want?  What if I am holding myself back from the blessings that are waiting for me? 

What if the dream I've had for myself isn't big enough?  Am I letting fear holding me back?  I've been through the fire literally many times throughout my life, I could not have been saved for a mundane life, none of us were.

I need to be truly grateful for each and every trial I've had, otherwise I'll never learn the lesson and grow to my potential.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Giving Thanks

Start believing that just having a dream begins the process of fulfilling a dream

Today I really wanted to take the time and write down everything that I am thankful for.  There are many blessing in my life that I need to to acknowledge or I would be very ungrateful.  The first thing that I am truly thankful for is my two daughters who I feel are the biggest blessings in my life.  I don't want to think where I would be without them in my life, they both make me smile and make me a better person. 

I am grateful for my career, it is challenging and always makes me think and learn.  It's not easy, I have to work to learn all that I need to be really good at my job.  Sometimes I feel like I am in over my head where work is concerned but there is always someone there who shows me I can do this, I am never too old to learn.

I am thankful for my sisters, all of them are incredible blessings in my life.  We all have been through difficult times, yet we all have become more than what we were led to believe that we could.  We are survivors who always try to see the best in life, it has not been easy for any of us.  Each of us has raised kind, loving and caring children who have done better than we did.  Isn't that what we want as parents, we want our children to succeed and become who they were meant to be.

I am grateful for my friends, I have some really amazing people who have come in and out of my life.  What I have really learned over the years is that each one of us has challenges that could break us but we all keep trying to be better, keep giving of ourselves to make life easier for each other.  I continually pray for each of my friends to be able to overcome the trials that they have been given in this life.

I am thankful for my tenacity, without it... I don't want to know where I would be right now.  There is something inside me that refuses to give up, even when I sometimes feel there is no hope.  I find that sliver of hope and hold on to it until I get through another trial.  I often wish life was easier, that the dreams I hold for myself would just come to pass.   There is what is different about me, I never give up, I hold on when other people tell me to give up, I believe there is hope (no matter how small) and that my dreams will come true.

Feel for what your soul believes. If you believe it, you can achieve it. Anything is possible.