Standing Up To My Excuses

I just wanted to give everyone an update with where I am ... I am motivated, it feels like the time when I started in June 2013. I have walked every single day for over two weeks but one due to a snow storm... I have been planking and I made it to a minute which is awesome for me, the first day I could barely perform for 20 seconds, as well I have been eating fantastically... because the truth is, there is no amount of exercise that will help you lose weight if you don't eat properly.

I have been facing my problems without anything to cover them. Is it easy?  Absolutely not! Will it be worth it down the way, I believe it will. I am  already seeing things a bit clearer... those things are not easy to see though, they are downright difficult but running or hiding from them doesn't make them disappear. Dealing with them head on is the only way to conquer any of them... no matter how painful it is and will be in the future.

I think getting to this point has been one of the longest and hardest roads I have taken, I was on that path when I started in June of 2013 but when I lost 'him'... part of me lost the ability and or desire to stay focused on that road because a more difficult road arose. It was very sad for me to find out that although 'he' had told me on many occasions that I was very important to him and that nothing would ever come between our friendship... that turned out not to be true when push came to shove.

I had a hard time reconciling that all in my head, we had been there for each other for nearly three years, we had talked everyday... texted all the time through out the day and rarely if ever went to bed without saying goodnight. Right up to a couple of days before it all changed in late September of 2013, he had told me that I was very important and special to him, only a couple of days before that.

Having it change within a couple of days was like I had been in a tornado, where my life was turned upside down and inside out. I am surprised that I continued on my path of exercising and eating healthy for as long as I did... however; I found other ways to get through the emotions and none of them were healthy either. Last month, I took a very long hard look at my life and where I was and I didn't like it, I had started eating unhealthy again and I had come up with excuses not to walk or exercise.

I knew that it all changed in September of 2013 and that dreadful emotional road I had to take .. it is hard to see that I had allowed that to take me off track. I remember the night I consciously made a decision not to feel any more, I hadn't slept for more than a couple of hours per night for almost three months and I was almost in hysterics... I decided then and there I would do whatever I had to, so that I did not have to feel the emotional pain that was threatening to pull me apart.

So, I went down that path... strange thing is it didn't help me sleep, it didn't help me change how awful I felt about losing 'him' and it didn't help me feel any happier. I wanted to be numb, I didn't want to feel anything... the pain and sadness was more than anything I have ever had to deal with in my whole life. I now want to feel the pain, not just need to feel it but want to feel it... so that I can change it and stay on the path I was meant to be on...

The word excuse is not in my vocabulary anymore, oh... and every time I felt like saying 'this was not the way my life was supposed to be'  I didn't let myself say it or think it... I changed it to 'if this is not where I am supposed be then do something about it.' Do I have any delusions that I won't stumble or stray, no... I am human as we all are but I don't think I will stray as far....

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Where I Am Supposed To Be

When I realized I had time to write tonight, I noticed that it was my first post of 2015, this year has started off better than the last few years... yet I am still not as happy as I would like to be... it isn't that I think I need to be happy all the time, that isn't realistic, however; saying that I do think I could be more content. I need to figure out a way to get to that place.

There are a lot of things going on and the first and most important thing I had to do was get myself back on track with being healthy. It has been a week now and I have done many of the things I planned to do... none of it was easy, every last thing I wanted to do took a lot of work on my part... me making a conscious choice. 

The first thing I wanted to do was start eating properly again... by eating all natural foods, very little if any processed foods. The next thing I want to do is track my food progress with My Fitness Pal ... I know I am keeping within my calorie limit but I find it so much better to actually have it in writing. As it is a great way for me to be accountable to myself.

The second thing I wanted to do was exercise each day in some way... I have been walking for at least 30 minutes per day and tracking that with Map My Walk ... this one is a little easier because I just have to push a button and then walk, nothing to enter ... I have been creative in getting the exercise in by getting off the bus earlier or walking to a bus stop further away.

Valentina and I are going to work on a 30 day plank challenge starting tomorrow night... I have never done this before but I want to do more than just cardio so that I can strengthen my core. It is really going to help me that Valentina does this will me, I think she and I will encourage each other to work hard.

I read an article the other day that I wish I could remember who the author was, it was basically a list of things we do that hold us back... the first one was huge for me, when I saw the phrase, I cried. I know I have heard it before but the way that it was said there really hit home to me. It caused me to think a lot about the many changes I have made in my life... yet I still had not learned this one.

It was about how we tell ourselves, this was not the way my life was supposed to be... I say this to myself practically everyday when I am frustrated, upset or disappointed. It's not like I think anyone has it perfect here but I do feel like others have it more put together than I do. What the article tried to convey was that when we say this to ourselves over and over, we really hold ourselves back.

I have felt trapped by my choices and circumstances even though I have come through many overwhelming challenges which I have grown from immensely. I still feel like I don't have a way out. It's not as if I can just get up and change my life 180 degrees as I have responsibilities being a mama. Saying this though, I know that I cannot keep going on feeling this way, it isn't good for me, nor is it good for Valentina. 

Although I don't know the answer yet, I do know that it will involve big changes... whatever they are, I need to be ready to take them on and go with them... otherwise I will always feel trapped... So, first things first, starting today...(my motto)... I am going to work extremely hard on not telling myself that statement 'this was not the way my life was supposed to be' ... instead, I am going to work on solutions to change my life to how my life should be.

I do believe I can make the changes, not as quickly as I want but in time I will be exactly where I want to be and where I am supposed to be, one of the first steps is becoming healthy.

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