I Am A Survivor

I have been wanting to write a lot but my sweet kitty of  10 years was diagnosed with renal failure, when I lost her, my home felt very empty, I was dealing with the loss of her, she was more my cat than anyone else's, she was like my shadow .... a couple of weeks later I found my sweet black kitten Oreo, he lights my life up and makes me smile.  He has so much energy, I knew he needed a friend to keep him company and within two weeks I found my grey cat Chai who needed a new home. The two of them have kept me busy when I wasn't working, it takes time to integrate two kitties together and have them both feel comfortable. Chai is still finding his place even though he is more mature... Oreo really is a boss... he's not afraid of anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down and watched the story of Elizabeth Smart, I was in complete awe of her special spirit... it made me look back on my life and the numerous trials I have dealt with. I never compare the types of trials we deal within life as I feel all trials are there for us to grow, become stronger and to become a better version of ourselves. I also know life is a series of challenges that we work to overcome, some easy, some extremely difficult... I have always said and believed that it isn't the amount or difficulties of the trials that we deal with, it is how we deal with them.

 

After watching Elizabeth Smart and hearing about the many horrendous trials she dealt with after she was kidnapped at such a young age of 14, she never thought of suicide but she thought it might be better if she died at times... but she had a strong will/desire to live and she did. She doesn't hold on to the hate or anger that would be so easy to do.. She realized at a very young age that holding on to the bad only hurt her. She seriously seems happy, she was able to marry and have two children... Today she gives back to other people by speaking out about what she dealt with and showing others it is possible to not just survive but thrive and be happy.

I realized that although I want to handle my trials in a better manner, I often don't... I think many times, why me? Haven't I dealt with enough? But life isn't about having everything perfect and wonderful because I have dealt with endless trials... it means I need to take the time to figure out what I can learn from each trial, how I can grow so that when the next challenge comes a long I will be more ready to handle it, I will be able to figure out the lesson quicker and have the time to enjoy the quiet in between.

Life is about finding the joy, whether in between the trials or even during the trials... I know many people will wonder how we can find the joy while we are handling a trial that seems insurmountable, however; the truth is that more often than not we get through and after dealing with it, we discover there was something we needed to acquire from the test. I also know there are a great deal of people who will question why anyone would have to deal with certain trials... the thing for me is that when I read or see how someone came through a trial that was beyond what I could imagine... I know if these people have the strength to get through them, I believe that I can survive mine and even grow stronger from them.

I'm a survivor, I never give up... even when it feels beyond hope, a way is always made. However; I acknowledge that being a survivor is good, what 's even better is that I find the good in whatever trial is dealt to me... Then I will be a warrior survivor...

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Sometimes We Must Lose In Order To Gain

I took an unintended break from writing as I was on a short vacation, I am back to work tomorrow... the time off was great, it really helped to rejuvenate me... I stayed up, slept in, spent time with Valentina also caught up on my blog reading and commenting. This was the week that Andrea was supposed to come home for a visit but the price of tickets almost doubled so that is on the back burner for a while... Hopefully next year it will be more feasible... 

So, I finally decided after eating well for the last five weeks that I needed to get weighed again, I am pleased to say I am back on the path of being healthy and I am very happy about it... although I have gained weight, I also know I can take it off since I have done it before... it feels good to know that I am working in the right direction again... I did exercise three days last week, I'm looking forward to building on it more in the future.

A friend of mine found me the nicest corner desk for my office which she spent a few hours setting up for me... it's really starting to come together... now working from home still has to be approved through work (a very long story)... which may not happen but I am going to remain hopeful. Also staying organized is a full time job when you live with a teenager... I plan to keep encouraging her daily until she hopefully wants to keep it up herself... I know...  wishful thinking with a teen but I'm not giving up, it is important to me to keep the house in order.

Sometimes it feels like there are just one too many trials that come my way... I can't let it determine my mood no matter how challenged I feel I am... A few years ago I would have managed it in a poor way by trying to fill the loss with things that ultimately mean nothing and only damage and weigh me down more. I had to decide what is important and I have to keep choosing that daily if I am going to learn to fill the voids with good choices that will lift me up... 

Disappointment is a part of life and dealing with it in an unhealthy way won't make it easier... Besides as hard as it is to not get what you want, life is much too short to be frustrated all the time. The older I become the more I realize that life throws us curve after curve and how I handle it is what will define me. Eventually everything will work out the way it is meant to... I just have to have patience and have a good attitude.

I learned a great deal by decluttering this summer, I realized that I bought and held on to items that actually didn't bring me any joy... they weighed me down... I really felt lighter getting rid of them, I no longer want to go out and purchase an item just to fill an empty void... I want to be conscious of my feelings... I can tell you that it isn't easy in the short term but I can see it being better in the long run...  Unfortunately sometimes we must lose in order to gain...  

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Life Is A Circle Of Feelings

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes, they were incredibly sweet... I had a quiet birthday with Valentina, which ended up being exactly what I wanted. I wasn't able to go para sailing as I had originally wished but I wasn't able to find someone to go with... and we ended up having massive thunder and lightening... so I am sure I will get there in time. 

Also, thank you all for the encouragement to keep working towards being organized, I spent Friday with that lady who helped me before, we were able to clean and organize all six closets. Most of the time was spent on Valentina's two closets, teenagers can be pack rats and so messy. I allowed her to have some say as it is her room but I encouraged her to purge as much as possible. Her two closets took more time than the four other closets combined. 

I feel like by being organized that first I feel lighter, I instantly know where my items are and I want to keep it up, second it's easier to clean when there isn't so many items in the way. With all this, I am encouraged to keep eating healthy, which is even more of a reason to keep this up. The exercise is really coming along slowly due to the weight gain which causes pain, however; I have lost some weight by eating properly and I believe it will get easier with time once I lose a little bit more weight. I have decided that a bike is a good way for me to go, it will be less stress on my knees and help my quads to become stronger. That way I can take a couple of bike rides down the trail each day. 

I've had a major challenge that normally would have put me into a tailspin where I would have just ate so that I wouldn't have to feel the sadness and pain but I don't want to fall backwards and I know eating won't help me in the long run, I would just feel more unhealthy and uncomfortable... I am in charge of how I feel and how I will react. Just because someone accepted less doesn't mean that I have too... actually I have to say I feel sorry for the people that accept much less then they deserve. 

With saying all this I will always be there for those people, if a person realizes the choices that they made were not really the best, they need for their family/friends to just be there for them... no judgement ... we all make poor choices in our lives and honestly it is easier to admit it if you know you have someone who will never judge you and try to tell you they told you so... Forgiveness really comes with letting it go and not trying to be the right one... 

I know life is about trials that bring emotions we need to learn how to handle... because if we don't figure out how to deal with them, they just keep coming back to us until we do understand... This past month of organizing has given me a clarity, having less clutter really frees me up to deal with emotions I have buried... ones that were too painful to deal with at the time. Life really is a circle of feelings, knowing this reminds me that sadness really can turn into joy in time...

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Control Is An Illusion

 

I have been thinking more about being open to love as I wrote last week and contemplating how to really do this and not just give it lip service... because I notice that I do not commit the way that I should. The last thing I really committed to was becoming healthy... it was what I had to focus on. It wasn't a bad thing to put my heart and soul into it as I got to a place where I felt physically strong. However I believed I had control over it and nothing was further from the truth...

Something comes along and challenges you, you realize the truth is there is no guaranteed tomorrow... there is no real control... My defining moment came in November when out of the blue I was not able to walk... as you all know I became frustrated, disappointed, almost disillusioned... when I realized I couldn't make my body do what I wanted it to....  forces outside ourselves can change in a moment. 

I was reminded of many years ago when a friend of mine was going to visit her family in the valley... she and I had made plans for when she returned. She didn't return as she died in a car accident. I remember how fleeting life seemed that day.... death does that to us ... we never think about it until it happens... of course we shouldn't dwell on it as we need to live in the moment but I think we need to remember that life is about change ... we honestly have no control over anything except what we think and feel... 

All of this made me think about why I closed my heart, I wanted to have control over it... I felt if I did that no one could or would hurt me but in the process I almost lost the ability to feel much of anything. I have not felt true happiness or joy for a couple of years, it's true I once felt a joy more than I ever could have imagined possible but the flip side of that was despair. As I have written before I wondered if it was worth it... how could that joy be worth that much pain? So, no matter what happened, I didn't truly engage... when I did that, I didn't truly live...

After last week, I thought about how I want to engage... I want to live in the moment, I want to give up the illusive control because it hasn't served me well... I thought it protected me but I wasn't living... I was going through the motions. I don't necessarily think that opening my heart means romantic love, as I stated last week, I will be okay without it... but what I am not okay with is holding myself back for fear of pain, which doesn't let me move forward. This is why the thought of opening my heart has been at the forefront of my thoughts... the minute I contemplated it is when I started feeling tense... 

I know that is fear ... I want to step past it, it isn't easy... it means allowing myself to feel... happy or sad ... it means allowing myself to believe that it won't always be sad and mostly it means knowing that even though I want to control it... it's really illusive... control just meant holding myself back... Besides it's an illusion that I am giving up so that I can be ready to take on whatever comes my way...

 

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Joy Is Within

 I have been thinking about this post for a while, I have wanted to pick a word that I could ponder and incorporate in my life for this year and beyond. I had some great words and last week when I started writing about it, it never materialized... then a few friends gave me suggestions and I would think, oh... that's a good one. Yet nothing would come to me when I would think about writing about it. I spent my Sunday relaxing and catching up on all the blogs I follow... I knew I wanted to write tonight and when I came in to sit down... the word Joy came into my mind.... it's been something I have been thinking about for a while..

I have not felt joy for a very long time and this is the year I want to change that, it all started with forgiving her... I have to say, it feels good, she is still there, doing what she does best but I don't care anymore... what I care about is changing my mind and heart so that I can feel joy again. I have been so wrapped up in what I lost, what I don't have and what I feel the future holds for me that I was unable to see that nothing is set in stone, things change.. that is a part of life. What is the point of me being sad and not feeling joy? 

After injuring myself in November to the point that I couldn't exercise, I used that as an excuse to question why? Have I not had enough challenges, trials, losses? What was the point of me continuing to take care of myself when it seemed like an injury could come along and take away the little good I felt I had in my life. Believe me, whenever I was stressed I walked, whenever I was sad, I walked... I used walking to avoid my feelings. After being injured I had to start thinking about those feelings ... they were pretty difficult to deal with, so I tried to ignore them and eat. 

However; that is not acceptable to me any longer, I can't use that as an excuse to not take care of myself.... I started taking care of myself by forgiving her and I have been working on my surroundings, slowly getting that together.  Next was the word and I know it is a bit late coming but it finally came to me and I realize it's not just a word I want for 2016... it's a word I want to give thought about for my life. The truth for me is if there isn't joy, what is there?

Every last one of us has challenges, things that can drain us emotionally, physically and spiritually... if we don't have something to hold onto to get us through that... how are we to believe it can get better. For me, it is joy... it is much more than happiness.. it's a feeling that is possible even when a trial is happening because I know that no matter how challenging a trial is, joy will be there again. Somewhere along the line I lost that ability to see that as I was in a place I thought I would never get out of... so I questioned how could I feel joy again? Joy never left me, I just had a hard time seeing it. 

I have decided that one of the ways I am going to bring joy into my life is each day I will either write something down that I am grateful for, talk about it with someone or I will take a few minutes a day to ponder something I have gratitude for... Sometimes it is the small things that bring the biggest joy... I learned a great deal this past few weeks by forgiving her... I learned that joy is inside us, we just have to look within...

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Soaring Above My Past With Forgiveness

 

The New Year always brings reflection, hope, change...  I was reading an article the other day and I saw the above quote, I have seen it many times before but it resonated with me in a way it never had before. I have talked about how important it is to forgive others, I can honestly say I have forgiven many people for the hurt and pain they inflicted on me or others I love... Yet there is one person that I have not forgiven until now, she has done more damage in my life than anyone I know, she has caused me a great deal of sadness and she continues to watch me, I know this as she accidentally follows my pages on social media. 

 

I continued to react to her for the last couple of years, until recently I decided that honestly she isn't worth any reaction, thought or feeling. It is not my place to judge her for what she does and doesn't deserve, it's my place to forgive her and move on. She has taken up too much time and energy in my mind for the past couple of years, I realized she was getting the drama she craved, I will no longer waste another moment of my time thinking about her.  She is nothing to me... for 2016 I am forgiving her and moving on... I suggest she does the same but that will be her decision. 

Saying all this, I took some time to think about that quote and how I needed to stop wishing the past was any different... I know that I had held on to that hope way too long, so long that it just depressed me. Just because something didn't work out the way it should have doesn't mean that it shouldn't have, it just means we all have our free agency and we just have to move on from decisions good or bad. Besides, the choices we all make have consequences, that is how life works. I don't want to be the girl who draws negative energy or drama, I am not that girl, nor do I ever want to be. 

I want this to be the year that I soar, the year I make positive changes that take me in a direction that will bring me joy. I have a couple of ideas in mind to get me there, this was the first thing I needed to do, until I REALLY forgive her and move on, I will never get to the next level... and I WANT to get to the next level, I deserve that and honestly so does she but that will be her choice. I am going to stop wishing the past could have been different, it isn't and no amount of wishing will change it....

One day, I will have the answers to my questions but today I am putting them away and moving on and learning the art of letting go... I have talked about it in the past, even thought I was ready to do it, thought being the operative word... today I am ready... I want to feel that power of freedom, it's a gift I want to give myself... I know I am ready because it is a gift I want to give her too... I hope she accepts it. 

I don't make resolutions in the New Year, I am of the mind that when I find something I want to change, I do it then... specific dates never work for me, I just have to do it... I alone hold myself back, it is a hard pill to swallow when I admit the truth, no one holds me back but me... Life is an ever learning process, sometimes incredibly hard but the truth is without those difficult challenges, we would never be able to become our best selves... I want the hard edges sanded off to soften me even if it's painful... because that is where I will soar.

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Rising Above The Pain

I had a dream last week that was unnerving... one because I actually dreamed (I rarely sleep long enough to get to the dream stage), two because I woke up twice and went back to the same dream and third it wasn't a pleasant dream... yet I learned something that really made me think... which then had me considering all the trials and challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I actually felt different about them.

I think many times after getting through a trial where I am finally able to breathe and have gratitude that it is over... I never really looking at what it might have been teaching me, never really seeing the good that may have come from it... just knowing it made me stronger. The dream made me think of the worst possible scenario that could happen in my life, hence why I wasn't thrilled that I kept going back it...

The next day I was watching a program on TV that had two people who had gone through a great loss, much like the one I had dreamed of... the first person could not get passed it, they were angry and said that although they had gone on with their lives, they were sure that it would always leave a dark cloud over them... The second person suffered a huge loss too but they chose to look for the good and became the best person they could, they went on to do wonderful things with their life.

I cannot judge the first person as I am not her and I did not go through what she did but it made me think of the many difficult trials that I have dealt with and what I had learned from each of them... If my life had been different and some of them had not happened, I would not be who I am today... I would not have learned some very important lessons. What I learned from that dream was that no matter what trial or challenge befalls me, I have to get up and never give up. 

Which then made me think of how I lost 'him' out of my life and where I would be if I had not... I began to think how I took the pain I had from losing 'him' and put it into exercising with my whole heart. Every time I would feel any sadness I would go out for a walk ... I became healthier than I have ever been, If I had not lost 'him' the way I did I probably wouldn't have kept up with it when I got close to my goal as I never did before, this time was different ...

I have seen two people go through the same awful trial, one rose above it and found their purpose, the other one lived in their sadness and never grew... Yes we have all had unthinkable challenges that we could continually question 'Why me'? ... No matter what it is, someone else has gone through it and rose above it... Regardless of what the pain is, it is teaching us something we need to learn... I had to decide to learn the lesson so that I can rise above the pain...

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Breaking Down Walls To Grow

I have been thinking about how disappointed I was, that once again, someone wasn't who they portrayed themselves to be... I told my sister I just wanted to throw the towel in and give up on dating... I feel like I take care of myself, yet men choose women the opposite of me... My sister told me that she will never give up on love no matter what and although I have been burned many times over, I have to agree with her... I am not giving up on love either. 

 

I may not hop back on the dating site for a few months but I will go there again and I will be more discerning than ever. Honestly the guy is going to have to prove he is worthy of dating me, I don't want some guy who just talks the talk... he has to walk the talk too... when I made my profile in the past I don't think I was specific enough, I am going to be choosier... I am willing to give the best of myself to someone and I expect the same in return. 

Just a very quick update, I have been walking a lot and enjoying it, I plan to walk every day I possibly can without excuses... and the best part is that I am eating consciously, I am not eating to numb myself. With that of course comes a lot of emotions I have to deal with... definitely not easy but when has change ever been easy?  Of course no one wants to feel pain, sadness or disappointment but as awful as those feelings are they are the only way to grow.

 

When I have decided to numb those feelings in the past, all I did was prolong the pain and I stayed in the same spot of sadness, which stopped me from growing. This week as I walked I thought about how I just needed to push through so that I would no longer be standing in the same place anymore... I honestly cannot go another year and look back... to see that I have not progressed again because I was unwilling to feel the emotions that have been holding me back. 

I don't want to build those walls around me anymore, yes I know that is more than likely inviting more pain into my life but I am hoping eventually it will invite the joy I want too... I read the quote above over the weekend and although I have read it many times in the past, it resonated with me as I could see that each wall I built around me in the last few years didn't really protect me, they actually made me more sad.

 

So, I decided this week that instead of building walls, I am breaking them down... and giving myself the chance to heal... With that comes one very important thing I have to do... I have to really forgive someone that I have been unable to forgive up until now... which has upset me as I am really a very forgiving person and holding onto this anger for her has just held me back.  Besides the truth is that what we give out comes back to us... I want to give forgiveness and love...

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Feeling Pain To Get To The Other Side

I have had quite the month in July, for the past 28 days, I have been able to exercise every single day. That's probably not always a good thing as I do need to rest my body from time to time. I ended up walking an average of 14,000 steps, about 7 miles and over 85 minutes of active exercise daily. Yet with all of this, I have just maintained my weight since I stopped being accountable for my food... because the truth is that I cannot out exercise poor choices in food, be it the type of food or quantity.

Why have I been over eating? Self sabotage? Sadness? Anger? ... a little of everything, I am disappointed with the way some things have turned out in my life. When I sit back and ponder about how far I have come, I ask myself if I have gratitude for that?... the truth is I do... I am very thankful for all the trials I have overcome and all the changes I have made in my life to become who I am today. 

I was angry this week because I felt as though I didn't have the right to be disappointed or sad... I do though. When did it become bad to feel these things? I know I shouldn't live there all the time... but I think that is what is wrong, the minute I feel sad/disappointed, people start counting off my many blessings... or telling me all their trials that they went through and survived or implying I am selfish and not grateful for what I do have in my life.

 

You know what this does, at least for me...it makes me want to cover it up... just like I did in the past when I felt a deep heartache... instead of dealing with it, I did everything I could not to feel... I should have felt it and moved through it, instead of always trying to go around it. Every time I went around it, it would always came back for me to deal with later. Usually it was even harder as I had more pain to add to it. 

I am grateful that I am not judgmental of others and their choices, I have come to know that forgiveness is more about setting myself free and that loving myself is a good thing... it helps me to love others even more. I have learned to set boundaries for myself and I gave myself permission to say no if I feel like others are stepping over those lines. Mostly I know that I have the right to feel disappointed with where I am in certain parts of my life, it doesn't mean that I don't have gratitude for the wonderful parts, it means I am working through the pain.

Someone asked me if I thought I deserved to be happy? My answer is yes and although I am not in that place at the moment, I know it exists... I have felt it... it is incredible... it is worth working towards today and in the future... I know heartache will happen, unfortunately it's what seems to help me grow ... some things are more difficult than others to deal with but because I have felt true joy, I know pain won't last, however; feeling sad is okay... feeling pain is how we get to the other side.

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Letting Go Of One Dream To Find Another One

I have been holding back writing, I had a huge disappointment this week and I didn't want to come here and write from that place. Instead I walked another 50+ miles this week, over 100,000 steps and 11 hours of hard exercise. I know that I can't keep on this way, I need to figure out another way to deal with disappointment. So, 'the guy' called me this week to tell me he was taking job out West, just out of the blue. I honestly don't know what to think... I keep questioning why he would start a relationship if he had applied for a job so far away.

What I decided from all this was that I don't think I have what it takes emotionally to date. I don't understand games, I don't understand dishonesty... I just can't understand any of it. I don't know what this means long term for me but for now I won't let anyone into my life. It is much to hard to trust and find out they were not who they portrayed themselves to be. I really thought I had made myself clear with this guy, I thought we were both on the same page but he ended up being like every other man I have known. 

What did I learn from all this? I need to take a step back and just take care of myself, maybe just accept the fact that I may have to be single. I can't begin to tell you how much that sucks for me, we all want certain things and dreams for ourselves and unfortunately some of them never come to pass... Learning to deal with the disappointment might be the challenge I have to get through, accepting that my destiny doesn't include a long term love.

This has been a very emotional week for me, I have had a lot of time to think about what I really want. Things I don't want to hear is 'Maybe he wasn't the right guy but hold on the right guy will be there' or 'Don't give up, the right guy will be around the corner' or 'You deserve someone good' ... We all deserve to have the hopes and dreams we want, no one deserves it more than another person... Although I know I would be an amazing partner, I may never get that chance and I am going to have to learn to deal with that...

I am going to take the rest of this summer to continue to exercise and make some long term plans for my life. I have not been happy for a very long time, I need to find a way to have some joy in my life today. When I wrote last week that I had hope that I would have happiness in the future, many people reached out to me to say that happiness isn't in the future, it is something we should have now... others suggested that all I needed to do was choose it and that I could have it now...

I truly wish it was that easy, I think I have to figure out a way to get passed the disappointments I have had in my life and come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have the dream I have always wanted for my life. I think then I can move on and really find happiness and joy...

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Healing Myself From The Inside Out

I have had a very emotional ride the last few days... truthfully if I am being honest I have had an emotional ride for a long time. I read a blog the other day that made me think about how many of us portray ourselves a certain way to the public and where things are much different privately. I feel like I am a pretty honest and open person but sometimes I hold back because I think most people don't want to hear the sad things because they have their own problems and they just want to hear uplifting and happy things.

I can understand not wanting to hear sad things all the time, I personally don't want to be around negativity all the time... however; sometimes we need to be able to say how things really are.... last week someone told me that I seemed much happier than I used to be... I looked them in the eyes and told them the truth, no... I am not any happier than I was... I couldn't keep pretending because the truth is that I am sad a lot of the time.

However; I explained to them as I am going to explain to you... I have been sad for a very long time and for most of that time I looked outside of myself for ways to heal the sadness... I wanted to feel better, I wanted to be happy again because I do remember what it was like to be happy and full of joy... In the last few months I am no longer looking outside of myself ... I have been looking within... So, yes I may not be as happy as I want or feel the joy I know I am capable of feeling but I do feel like I am on the right path.

I feel like I have a much better chance of feeling joy and happiness where I am at now as to where I was at before... I know that I have many people that care about me... I definitely feel that but on my sad days or disappointing days I have a hard time even seeing that... Having a strong foundation of friends is not always enough sometimes, I know that I have to have a strong foundation within myself ... no one can truly make me happy, it has to come from within myself.

 

That is why I finally decided to stop looking outside of myself to heal me... it wasn't working, it never truly did, it was just a bandage to cover the pain. So, although I am still sad a lot of the time, I am no longer looking for a bandage to cover the pain, I am searching for why I feel like this and looking for ways to heal myself from the inside out...

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Rising Above My Challenges

I believe that there is nothing we cannot change as long as we want it badly enough... and for me as with others it is always a balancing act of finding new ways to stay engaged with the changes. I find that I make a goal and once I succeed I get bored and go back to my old ways. This is our nature, at least it is mine... I don't like failure (who does?) so I make small goals, instead of putting my whole heart into a bigger goal, which works to some degree, however; I always have to be evolving and reaching for more.

I was talking with some people about how we feel lost in our lives through the addictions we have... we all have them, some are very apparent, others we are able to hide more easily. When we are in the middle of these addictions we are sure there is no way out but there always is, is it easy? No, not easy at all... as a matter of fact, it will probably be harder than anything we have ever done. Addictions are strong, yet I believe we are stronger than any of our weaknesses.

For the past few years, actually if I am being totally honest, for the past 15 years I have been living my life in ways I have not been happy with... I became disappointed as I had goals and I never seemed to be able to attain them... I gave up and decided if I could not have them I would live my life anyway I liked. I sunk into all my weaknesses, I mean it was my life after all... I could make those decisions, it wasn't anyone else's to make right?

I am here to tell you that not one of them brought me happiness or joy, not one... sure, I had some short lived happy moments but nothing lasting... Everything came to a head on Christmas day last year, I was directly in the middle of all my addictions and I was so unhappy... as I have written before I had an event happen that could have completely destroyed me ... but I chose to go the other way. I admitted to myself that none of what I was doing was making me happy and that although I was willing to give it all up, I knew it would be hard and I would have more difficult choices in front of me, I knew deep down, it would be worth it.

I learned a great deal about myself in the past few months with that one event... I changed my life into another direction. What I learned the most was that I had not dreamed big enough and I had given up on myself... so although I did not attain the goals I had wanted to ... I should not give up on them as some of them are lifetime goals that I need to continue working towards. It is like my exercise and eating healthy, this is not just for today or until I get to a certain weight... this is a lifetime goal that I need to work on.

The minute I made the choice to change, I was relieved ... and although the path has been a twisting and rocky one back, it is one I plan to stay on... Although I may stumble, I will not stay down, I will always rise up and meet the next challenge. I would love to thank the person who caused the event in my life on Christmas day, for if she had not gone out of her way to hurt me, I would probably still be in my addictions and unhappy. Instead I took that event and made a choice to rise above it all ...

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Joy Comes Through Forgiveness

I had to come back to update here... the most important thing that happened this week was that my daughter Andrea had her second child, a girl... she was born on Monday night, her name is Arianna and she is adorable... I am now a Glama nana twice over... I have two beautiful grandchildren to love now... Jackson is a wonderful big brother... I wish I could be there for all of them... hopefully in the near future <3

I have been behind in posting a new blog, first I was super busy with getting all my steps in each day... then Saturday came along and I went to a funeral, I didn't know the man very well ... I went to support someone else... but it is never easy attending functions like this... Then Sunday (today), I spent the better part of my day at church... it was what I needed.

I heard something that really resonated with me about forgiveness, I truly am a person that believes that forgiveness is the only way to free ourselves... I have talked about this many times. I have pondered and thought deeply about the subject because I don't like holding hatred or mean thoughts in my heart for someone as I know that it only hurts me. More often than not, the other person could care less if I forgive them... it is more about freeing myself.

I think about my ex stepmother Ruth who physically and emotionally abused me and my sisters... I was able to forgive her... and Andrey my ex husband who raped me... I forgave him... Today, I knew that although I have talked about forgiving another person that has gone out of her way to hurt me on numerous occasions, I had not truly forgiven her. I held on to my bad feelings for her because no matter how much I had tried to move forward, I kept hearing about how she dislikes me and talks poorly about me. She is one of my biggest challenges and one that I plan to overcome.

Regardless of how she feels about me, I cannot continue to have bad feelings towards her... I have to truly forgive her... I can't begin to explain how hard that is going to be for me. From what I have been told, she feels I am trying to hurt her when that is the farthest thing from my mind... it is not in my heart to even think that way. However; she doesn't know me or she would not think that of me...

One thing I learned today was that of course Heavenly Father forgives us all for the mistakes and judgements we make... because He does, I have to do the same. Frankly no matter what I do or say, this woman isn't going to like me and not forgiving her is only holding me back. Once I truly forgive her for everything she has done to hurt me is when I will be free and she will not have a hold over me any longer.

It is a day I look forward to... I Tweeted the other day how I am not going to let one person diminish the fact that there are many people who think I am wonderful... that is her issue... not mine. Today reinforced that for me even more, almost like an answer to how I was going to forgive her?... Heavenly Father has already forgiven her, I need to extend the same to her, whether or not she moves on from her bad feelings towards me, it is not my issue to worry about any longer.

I truly hope one day that she sees her own worth and realizes that continuing to find ways to hurt me because of her own insecurities, is not the way for her to have joy. I have realized that holding on to bad feelings for her is not the way for me to have joy... besides I know my worth and I am happy to say that I deserve good things and good people in my life... maybe one day she will know that she deserves the same.

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