I Will Be Me

 

It's been a long time since I sat down to write, I lost my muse ... it was easier to veg out in front of Netflix and binge watch show after show. If I did that, I didn't have to think about what I was doing with my life, I haven't been able to really stand up and say what I was thinking or feeling... One because pain messes you up more than I ever could have imagined, it makes you someone who can barely think of anything else. I keep chasing the next idea that supposedly has helped this person or that person but I ultimately end up back where I started.

Also, the last couple of weeks has brought back the rape as I am sure many women (people) are dealing with the past... you are so sure you dealt with it, then you hear people belittle the survivors and it opens every wound. If people could just understand how difficult it is to come forward and tell their story, it took me over a year to lay charges and then I was in limbo until we had to go to court... that was like being raped all over again... I saw no empathy. He ended up getting away with it, the only reason he had to spend time in jail was because I lost it when they said they would let him out on timed served, I was able to give a victim impact statement... Finally, he ended up spending a year in jail on top of what he'd already served.

All too often, men get away with the assault or rape, we see it over and over and as women we wonder if it is worth it to be treated like we are liars and to feel the pain all over again. I think there is a shift with the #metoo movement and I think it is about time. Until we feel we are seen, heard and believed, nothing will change. I think we all need to share our stories, nothing is too small, we need to show everyone that we are strong, stronger than our pasts and that we stand together in unity with each other.

I've also been thinking about how I gave up my writing, something I love so much, whether out on the blog or privately, it is my place to write my truths, my pain, my joys... somewhere I can lay everything out, it is usually with the writing that the answers I have looked for have come to me... I feel like writing it out seems to show me the paths I have in front of me, they become more clear and I can make more informed choices. I often felt like writing but it meant putting stress on getting back into blogging fully. I don't know if I can handle that all at once but I will pick it up slowly again... Even though blogging seems to have slowed down a great deal in the past couple of years, I will always write, even if it's just for me...

It is Fall time in Nova Scotia, that perfect walking weather... I am going to purchase a walker so that I can get around a little, I am housebound and I have been holding off with the walker because I feel like it makes me feel like I am 80 but if I don't so something right now, when I am 80 I will be stuck in a bed all the time... I don't want that, I need to get my mobility back I need to not care what anyone else thinks...

I hope I can get around and visit everyone in the next week or so, I know many of you have left blogging and that will be a bit sad for me but life changes for us, things that are important at one time in our lives has to take a back seat to the new things that are going on.  My new motto is I Will Be Me...

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Pain Can Make You Or Break You

I'm sorry I have been away for so long, the physical pain I was dealing with was beyond what I could handle. I often thought that if this was the way my life was going to be, I couldn't see any good. I was negative, unhappy and I had lost hope. I had got to the point that even moving around my home was almost unbearable... the doctor gave me pills to deal with the pain but they only exhausted me and made me loopy... I was barely functioning and if it wasn't for my very good friend I may never have left the house. 

In that time period, Valentina had to go to the hospital and have her embedded teeth removed as well as her four wisdom teeth. She really handled it well, I am grateful it is over with and that she won't have to deal with that pain in the future. She is now taking great care of her teeth, which I am very happy about as I know more than most people how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes smiling so much easier. 

About two weeks ago I went back to see my doctor, I told her that I couldn't handle the pain as I was barely making it... I was thankful that I was able to work from home as that would have only brought more stress on me. Worrying about finances was not another trial I needed to deal with at that time. My doctor suggested a new prescription that may help with nerve pain... I started them immediately and within three days I was able to deal with the pain. It's still there but it no longer controls my every thought... now I have to work on getting back to walking and exercising.

I will definitely be taking it slow, I don't want to reinjure myself...  however; I really need to lose some weight to take the pressure off my back as I know that isn't helping me at all. Thankfully summer is almost here and it is quite light in the morning, I can take a quick walk around my neighborhood to get me started and my friend and I will be able to start swimming in the lakes in the evening very soon. We are both looking forward to that, it's a good way to exercise without putting more pain on our back and joints. 

I know it will take some time to get back on track to be healthy again but I have hope now, I feel like I can see that light at the end of the tunnel. I had nearly given up many times over the past year, I held on because I am tenacious, I don't give up. Some days were much harder than others but I found something deep inside to hold on until I found some relief to deal with it... I will never take it for granted, I am incredibly grateful that my doctor found something to help. 

I want to thank each and every one of you for all your comments, emails, and messages on all my social media. I didn't think I would be gone this long, I truly missed you and blogging a great deal... I just didn't want to write while I was so negative. I tried to write a couple of times but I felt like the pain blocked me from any good thoughts... that's not what I wanted on my blog all the time. Sure we all have ups and downs but I felt perpetually down. Life and trials are never easy to deal with, pain can make or break you... I am thankful it didn't break me...

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Be About Actions, Not Distractions

It's funny how time gets away from me, before I know it a week has passed by, I have been overwhelmed with things going on. I feel like I have been doing catch up for quite some time. You all know I love working from home and how grateful I am to have that blessing, I thought I would have all this extra time to do those things I never seemed to have time to do... but I think until I actually make a plan or a commitment to myself, nothing will change. No amount of extra time will inspire me to follow a plan because the truth is that the lack of time wasn't stopping me from working on myself. Although I said that and felt that, I believe it was an excuse. 

I know from past experience that I will never be successful with anything until I am all in, not just dipping my toe into the water. The excuses I have had for myself for well over a year are just that excuses... the question is what do I really want? If I don't commit fully, do I want to change? I am beginning to think what I am saying has been lip service, even to myself. It's funny how we think by declaring something that we will follow through. Thinking doesn't change anything, actions do... talk will never help me to attain any of the goals I say I want, actions are the only thing that will do that. 

I talked to my friend last night about joining up with the Canada Games Centre, we both want to work on ourselves and I feel that if we do it together it will help immensely... I know that it won't keep me on track as I am the only one who can do that for me... however; I think the buddy system helps to start me on the right path, what I do there when I get there is up to me... I have tried a little and I do mean a little yoga but I feel so uncoordinated with no balance. I didn't commit to it, yet I am fully aware that whenever you start anything it takes time to get to where you desire. 

 

Then I read a blog this morning My New Happy which reminded me that I can't do everything all at once, I can't be my best the first time I try something and I can't give up because of it... the first day I decided walking was what I would do to get healthy and exercise, I walked one mile, it took me close to 23 minutes to walk it... it was tough, I had to stop and rest twice, I was red, out of breath. I wondered how anyone could walk a mile in under 15 minutes. The next day I walked another mile, I built on it slowly, before I knew it I was walking 3 miles a day. It took me nearly 6 months but I got my mile under 15 minutes.  

I didn't give up because it was hard, I committed to putting the time in because I made it important to me. So, as difficult as yoga seems to be, I am going to commit to 10 minutes starting tomorrow. Before I know it I will be able to hold a pose or balance for 10 to 30 seconds... along with this my sister has advised me of two very simple exercises where I can strengthen my back muscles, just because I am 53 I don't want to give up on myself and think this is it... plenty of older people live healthy lives with very little pain. 

 

I'm sure the excuses will come, they came with walking and I didn't give up because it was important to me... I want this to become essential to me too. I have given up on myself many times, I keep fighting back and I became stronger each time.... It's about time for me to commit to myself again and not give up so easily. I have set the alarm clock to get up 20 minutes earlier, eventually, I want to make it an hour... I loved my mornings in the past, it was me time where I could relax and get things done... it's quiet in the mornings, fewer distractions. I need to be about actions, not distractions!

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Focus

There have many many posts going around about choosing a word for a year, as I read them I became inspired to come up with one for myself. At first, it was quite daunting, I came up with a few words but nothing resonated with me. By day three I began to think it was futile... but I didn't want to give up, that was when FOCUS came into my mind, then each day that went by, I heard it and it reverberated with me more and more. 

With choosing the word FOCUS, I came to a conclusion about my health... sitting here wanting to find a way to make a change is all good but without making a plan then nothing will change. I kept hoping that an easy method would be laid out in front of me, which is silly as it won't be simple, it will take a great deal of work and a great deal of FOCUS.  When I was successful in the summer of 2013, I didn't let anything get in the way... not even my 50th birthday, I was in a zone, I was FOCUSED.

So, I made a plan to get started, this weekend was the one to make plans, first I sat down and created a budget... I had played around with one for the last few years but never really sticking to it... There were times I would go to the grocery store and wonder if my bank card would have insufficient funds, other times I would check at the last minute and realize I would have to take money out of my savings account to cover living expenses. This year is different, I have budgeted for everything I can think of and mainly I have started a decent savings account which I don't want to dip into unless there is some sort of emergency. 

I really had to make a budget as Valentina will be seeing the orthodontist in the next six weeks and I will have a monthly bill for a few years ... it's a necessity though as I feel teeth are extremely important for your self-esteem.  I am very aware of this as my teeth were damaged excessively from the medication I had to take after the fire I  survived as a baby The Fire - 48 Years Ago. I was very blessed to have met a woman from my church in my 30's who offered to pay to have my teeth fixed, the dental school then took me on as a project and I didn't have to pay anything, for this I was incredibly grateful. It changed my life in ways I never would have believed, it was a blessing...

With the budget, I made room to spend a little money on my health... I will talk about it more in upcoming posts, although I have a great deal of weight to lose, I am not thinking about a number, I am using this opportunity to get healthy. Many of you gave me some really great ideas, I plan to try the indoor walking again as I physically cannot handle walking great distances outside and Yoga is my number one plan as I need to gain balance. I have seen it work for many older people, it gave them back their lives.

When I started working from home I took the opportunity to sleep in until 7:00 am and sometimes 7:30 am when Valentina has no school. With that I was staying up much too late at night, sometimes 11:00 pm which isn't helpful for me to get the proper rest I need to function... So, I am making 10:00 pm my bedtime and then getting up at 6:30 am spend 30 minutes doing yoga and meditation. Also, one of the best things I have done for myself is that I plug my phone in across the room so that I no longer play with it at night and when the alarm goes off, I get right up... it was a good decision... it will help me keep FOCUS....

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Change Becomes Easier With Support

I have been contemplating if change is as easy as some people say, I know that there have been times in my life where one minute I was living my life one way and then within a moment I changed and never looked back. Other times I want to flip that switch inside, only I fail over and over. I question myself as to what the difference is between my successes and my failures. For me, I think I succeed when I am no longer afraid of failure and I believe in myself.  

I have been trying to get back on track food wise and failing miserably... I wake up with good intentions and before I know it I fail. Part of me believes I cannot have success without cardio exercise and at the moment it just isn't possible. I have to come to terms with that, I need to take a step in the right direction and have confidence in myself again.  I achieved a goal I had long ago thought wasn't possible, I did it in a moment and for very long time I didn't look back... not until I injured myself and this is where I allowed failure into my life.

When I was injured, the switch I had turned on a couple of years ago was turned off, depression took over my thoughts and mind... the more pain I had the more I turned to food. The sad truth is that I am in more pain because of the weight gain...  it was difficult to exercise right after I was hurt... I lost sight of my long term goals. I gave into the short term injuries... and caused them to be worse... Sadly, I believe we all do this to a degree in our lives.

Why?  Excuses, fear, rationalization, doubt and feelings of inadequacy... Regardless of the story we tell ourselves, we either live with those choices we made or make a decision to choose better and do the work needed. Change can be easy when we commit with our whole heart, otherwise, change is difficult... but always possible. . .

As scary as it sounds and feels, the power to change anything is within us... the only thing stopping us is ourselves. Do I like admitting that to myself? No, it is easier to put the blame on other people and outside forces, however; I also know until I decide to do this for myself, I will not move forward with my health. The older that I become, the more I understand that without my health, I really don't have much.

So, I am open to ideas from everyone, I need to think outside the box... I would love to get motivated again. If I could get started with simple yoga and easy strength training ... I think it could get me started down the right path of becoming healthy again. If anyone has YouTube sites or websites that they find helpful, could you leave the links in the comments. I feel a little overwhelmed when I do searches as usually I find sites that are too complex, which means I don't stay with it. Also, maybe a group I can check in daily with to keep me accountable. Change becomes easier with support...

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One Moment At A Time

I am not one to make resolutions for the New Year, as I find that most times it is just a set up for failure.  I do believe in setting goals, I just don't like doing it at a set time... for me, I just have to do it when I am ready, the day doesn't really matter.  I actually find the more I think of making a change in my life, the more I find excuses not to...

I have had plenty of challenging years but truthfully who has not? No one has an easy or perfect life, it just doesn't exist. As much as we get upset about the trials we encounter, they have the ability to make us better, stronger more empathetic. Believe me when I say that many challenges make absolutely no sense and actually leaves us wondering why we would have to deal with it. However; given time, I usually have come to understand why. 

When Andrey raped me over 8 years ago, I crawled into a shell, I lost my voice... but then I started writing to get it back... I made questionable choices because of the emotional pain I was going through. I am not going to say that I am happy I was raped but I gained a strength I was not aware that I had and I gained an empathy for other people that went through this and other tragedies.  

I have been reflecting on the insanity of this past year, wondering what I need to learn from it, the answers don't always come instantly, sometimes they take a great deal of time. I do know that I ended the year on brighter note, I had a lovely Christmas and I am feeling so relaxed now that I am working at home...  I do have a goal which is an ongoing one, I want to be healthy again... I believe that I was given the opportunity to work at home so that I would have the time to work on regaining my health, for this, I am incredibly grateful.

I feel like the last year of my life had me going backwards with my health, I miss how physically fit I was. I read the first quote by Tony Robbins where he said that making a decision in a moment can change the course of our lives... It had me thinking about the many times in my life where I was standing on the edge of change, questioning if I would be able to leap off and trust that I wouldn't fail. Often I looked over the edge and come up with excuses why leaping might not be the best thing to do... Ultimately, I made the decision to go with it, it was only then that I understood it was never as hard as I believed it would be... which makes me question why I keep holding myself back... 

 

The main thing I want to take away from my trials throughout the years is that no matter how difficult they may be, I am strong enough to handle them. I need to remember that while I am right in the middle of a challenge, there is always a way through. Nothing is permanent. Life is so much shorter than we truly know, with the passing years I have come to appreciate the moment I am in... As all we have is one moment at a time... 

I want to wish all my blog friends throughout the world a very Happy New Year, I hope it brings love, joy and gratitude ...💗💗💗

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Backwards Then Forwards

So, it's been two weeks since I was given the opportunity to work from home and I have to say I am loving it. When I get a call near the end of my shift, I relax... I am not tense thinking about how I need to get to the bus stop. It has changed my mood greatly, I don't even think I knew how much it would alter my mood until I was finally working from home. I have been getting up each morning, making breakfast for Valentina and talking with her before she leaves for school... then when she arrives home after school we talk about her day. It has been so good not to feel pushed for time or to feel exhausted after a long day. 

This year is fast coming to a close, if I am being honest, I have to admit it has been a very difficult year... from being injured and unable to exercise the way I like or need...  to gaining the weight back that I worked so hard to take off and keep off... to dealing with depression and having to work through it . Thankfully I no longer have the commute which makes that part of my life easier, I am looking into new ideas to get my health back on track, now that I have the time. I'm also grateful to have made a new friend this year who is great to talk with and hang out together.

This weekend I am going to decorate my tree, my friend was kind enough to set it up and put the lights on... the difficult parts. She really shaped it nicely, I am looking forward to seeing how it turns out once I have completed it... I still have shopping to do, thankfully it's only for Valentina now, she keeps changing her list, she better get it finished so that I can get out and buy some of them. I have taped all my favorite Christmas shows, I am enjoying getting into the spirit of the season, all I will be needing is to get my holiday music started. 

I have been reading many blogs and it seems that there is a theme going around, one that I too have been thinking a great deal about... this year has flown, most of it I have not had the best attitude, I'm a little disappointed in myself as I believe it isn't about the challenges we are given so much as how we deal with them. Since I didn't have the greatest mindset, I feel that I missed out on the good things that were in front of me by wishing the year away being frustrated with the pain and endless waiting to work from home. 

Here's the lesson I learned, I need to remember that even when I am going through hard times, they aren't forever... even though it sometimes feels like it will never pass.  I have to slow down, listen and start looking for the blessings... they are there, it's a matter of where I put my focus. It's true that if you look for the negative you will find it, so I am regrouping and looking for the good. The trials come no matter what... so I don't need to look for them. It baffles me that I have to continually learn this lesson over and over... 

I am reminded that although I feel like I go backwards at times, I usually end up moving ahead  further once I have learned what I need to learn... I have not been present in my life this year, I have started being more present and I am going to take that into 2017. I am hoping by living in the moment that when those tests come along and they will, I want to remember that they won't last, so I won't waste energy being frustrated with them. I may take steps backwards but I will always step forward again...

 

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Finally

For anyone who isn't friends with me on my Facebook, I finally got the approval to work from home. I am really happy as I am sure you are all aware... we have had decent weather until this weekend... so, I was approved just in time before the winter started. I took this weekend to set everything up and verify it works properly. Down the road, I will be supplied the proper equipment from work, for now, I will make due with what I have... My friend is taking me over to the office some night this week so that I can retrieve my binders and personal items.

 

I changed my alarm clock right away, I am looking forward to an additional hour and a half of sleep... then I am making breakfast for Valentina. This has been the first weekend in a while that I have been so relaxed... I completed all the little projects I needed to do... in the past, I felt rushed trying to do everything I had to do and still get some downtime. I don't feel stressed about the long commute... once I got home on Friday, I realized how tense I was every morning and night... knowing I had the long trip. I suddenly felt at ease.

It's funny what I pushed myself to do, then when it changed, I realized through the transition that I was tense with having to force myself out daily. I also made plans with some friends to visit them... I know I will need to get out as people were concerned that with working at home I wouldn't get out. However; I think I will actually get out more and visit, hang with my friends.  I have actually felt cut off from my friends due to being exhausted by the time I got home from work.

 

I am sure I mentioned that I literally had a three hour plus commute per day, I am excited to have that time back to do more meaningful activities. I am considering joining the gym with the pool again, I would have time to enjoy it. I found I missed swimming after I spent the summer going to the lake with my friend.  I am thinking it will be a good way get back into exercising without putting too much stress on my knees and back.  

My mood changed drastically this past weekend, I am feeling like I have more opportunities opened to me. I also changed departments at work .. I am excited to be in a new position. It's nice to have a few good things happen to me all at once... I have hope that the transitions will put me on the path I've been working towards. I am even looking forward to the Christmas holidays, it has been a long time since I felt good about it... I've invited some people for dinner as noone should be alone this time of the year. 

 

I am going to purchace a bike this Spring, I have decided that this year is the one that I get back into living a healthy life. No more excuses, now that I have the time and means to achieve my goals... eventually I want to get back into walking, once I strengthen myself with swimming and biking. It's time for me to get back on the healthy track and do something for myself... Finally

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I Can't Fix It On My Own...

Hi everybody, I know it's been a long time... truthfully I wanted to write sooner and many more times than I can even say. I have been dealing with a lot of items. First, I am still not working from home but it is looking like it will happen in the near future. There were many changes at work which slowed me down from working at home but it seems to be on course now. Second, I have been trying to come to terms with the election in the USA... it has thrown me for a major loop. (I know many will have their own views on this and I appreciate there are differences. I don't want to discuss my politics here... I just wanted to explain my long absence) Third, my depression has been front and center with weight gain, lack of sleep and generally trying to focus. 

Saying all this, I realized that I really needed to write, I have missed everyone. I often wanted to check in with your blogs but because I follow so many, I couldn't pick and choose and I knew I couldn't handle reading all of them. This week I plan to take a little time each day to visit each and every one of you. I am truly grateful for so many of you who reached out to me through Instagram, Twitter, FaceBook, Email and of course here on my blog. All of them touched my heart to know I was missed and that so many people cared about me, thank you.

What did I learn from my time off, a lot... I was overwhelmed when I just decided one day to take some time, which stretched on and on. I felt as if I couldn't just come here and write and not interact with all of you and that wasn't something I could handle at the time. Lately, I knew I wanted to write, I needed to get my feelings out so that I could find ways to deal with emotions and trials I have right now. By not writing, I made things more difficult for myself...

 

For the past six weeks, I have tried to cope with emotions past and present... This is a really tough time of the year for me, I was reading through my blog posts, I could see this  pattern happening over and over... I have to find a way to make this time of the year good and fun again. It has been a long time since I have truly looked forward to it... I do the things I need to do but my heart isn't in it, it has not been for a very long time.

I don't think I have dealt with the core issue, if I had, I would not keep coming back to them over and over. When I was exercising I could hide my feelings there but once I hurt myself I had nowhere to hide anymore. I can tell you this, it sucks having to deal with emotions that I just want to go away. They never go away though, they will just compound until I face them.

 

I have a new friend, which I have needed for a very long time... she and I hang out regularly and talk a lot. While talking with her I understood I needed to write and also once I am working from home, I will find someone to talk with, to see if they have other solutions I could use to finally face the core emotions. Doing this on my own isn't working for me anymore... maybe that's the first step I have to take to make the changes ... admit I can't fix it on my own...

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If Nothing Ever Changed, There'd Be No Butterflies

I have had a very busy week, hence why I haven't been writing... work has been busy for me, the good thing is... is that I finally have approval to work from home, now the paperwork starts... I am going in really early Monday to see if I can get all the forms filled out... I have been on the site and it says it can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks. So... getting the forms filled out is extremely important, along with that I still have some work left at home to be ready. Before I have anything from work placed in my office, I will take a picture and share it here... afterwards I cannot due to extremely sensitive information. I even have a lock on my office, I will be treating my work like work and leaving it at the end of the day. 

 

School will be starting soon for Valentina,  a little over two weeks... another thing I have to get ready for. She has decided to change her school this year, it is closer to home... where she will be able to walk back and forth most days unless there is inclement weather. As well, she will be able to come home for lunch... so I plan to take my lunch at the same time so that I can spend more time with her... I think this is going to be good for both of us as the past 8 years of traveling has taken a great deal of time from us... and I think teenagers need their parents more than they realize. 

In the past nearly two weeks since I have written... I have had many thoughts about what I wanted/needed to write... some incidents have come up reminding of me feelings I haven't really dealt with since I was not capable at the time... often I think it is best to put issues aside until I am stronger and with time answers often come up to help me make better decisions.  However; as you know bringing up emotions you haven't dealt with are still not easy... even when you are aware that life probably turned out for the best... accepting that isn't as simple as people want to portray it though. 

It's like dealing with my being raped, I have forgiven my ex and moved forward but it's not say that there are not days that it comes flooding back into my mind ... for the most part, I have become stronger... but it changed me in ways that people can't see... It made me much more empathetic to women who have had to deal with what I did in my marriage, I know that life isn't black and white... there are no easy answers. Of course looking back I can see all the signs that lead up to the emotional abuse in my marriage and how it ultimately lead to being raped...

I am not saying I brought that on me in anyway... I am saying that hindsight is twenty/twenty... I have been talking about this with a friend and she and I discussed how both of us were not able to see the men we married for what they really were... until much too late. However; both of us learned a great deal, it is exactly like Maya Angelou says 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time' ... I know we should look for the good in others but that doesn't mean you have to let them in your life.

I have learned over time that I need to look after myself first or I will not be any good to anyone else... As well, if I respect my boundaries, people for the most part will respect them too. I believe that when I honor myself and know that I deserve to be treated with total respect, that is what I will get in return... Is that easy?  No, many life experiences alter us but if we can learn to respect ourselves that is where I think we can grow the most... besides if we never changed, there would be no butterflies...

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Change My Thoughts, Transform My Life

I have been so busy and then I finally had a three day weekend... Saturday Valentina went off to camp for 4 days, I hope she is having a lot of fun... the weather has turned out to be wonderful for her. I spent the whole day at the salon getting my hair cut and colored... it's a school but they do great work and for a really decent fee.  Sunday I was wiped out, all I did was relax and get caught up will all my blogs... I had taken 3-4 days off reading and commenting... I really needed the time to refresh.

Today I spent more time cleaning and organizing... now that I have things in order, I just want to keep it up... I don't want to go back to where I was, it was overwhelming and depressing. One of the best decisions I made was to hire the lady that has helped me get my life and house in order. Since I am organized with my house, I have a strong desire to cook at home, instead of stopping off at the grocery store every morning for lunch, I pack a tasty and healthy one at home. 

So food wise I am feeling great, I am using My Fitness Pal and I'm tracking my food daily... I am not feeling like I am missing out as I am enjoying the fruit and vegetables that are available this time of the year... What I am struggling with is exercise, I don't know why I can't seem to push through like I did before. I just did it, I never used any excuses and I didn't care if I sweated... Lately all I do is rationalize about not exercising... which frustrates me as I know that moving more is a great way to get in shape and be healthy. 

I feel like I need to find that switch inside of myself that I found a few years ago... I was in the zone, nothing got in my way... I know that all I really need to do is just start, I have done it before, I can do it again... I don't have to go all out like I did before as I think that was a bit much for me and one of the reasons ended up getting hurt. I don't even want push to myself like I did before... I just want to start again and build on it over time. 

I have decided that I am going to exercise 3 times a week for a half hour each time per week to start with... it is something I can do so that I don't get hurt or give up. I would love to do it before I start work as that is the coolest time of the day, I am still waiting to work from home, I am not sure what the hold up is... all I can do it just be ready for when it happens... As soon as I do, I could exercise before work, have a shower, start work and kick off my day with a good start. 

Until that happens, I will have to make an effort to exercise after work, otherwise it could be another month and I would still be in the same place. The last thing I want is be in the exact spot I am right now... and I am the only one who can change it. Sometimes it's difficult to admit that it really is up to me, knowing this means that I need to put the effort in... no one will or can do it for me... I am hoping by changing my thoughts I will transform my life... again ...

 

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There Is No Perfect Time, The Time Is Now

I had a very productive week, I took time off from blogging and from TV while Valentina went to camp and I had a woman I know come to my home and we cleaned my entire home... when Valya goes to another camp the end of this month, the woman I know is going to come over so that we can finish off by organizing and purging the closets. I have been loving how clean it is, it's so much easier when you know where items are... the main idea I have to teach Valentina is that she needs to pick up after herself... I cannot do it all alone. 

I want to be completely ready when the time comes for me to work from home, which should be very soon... I feel like if I can be organized that I will have more time to do the things I want to do, such as get back to walking regularly... I am even contemplating purchasing a bike to drive on the trails... I think it would be good exercise for taking pressure off my knees. The trail is fairly flat and very scenic... I think it would be awesome to bike it daily, it goes out for quite a distance too..

I have been feeling an urgent need to start taking better care of my health, I have been conscious of how uncomfortable I am with the weight I have gained back... I know how good it feels when I am paying attention to my health. I also am well aware that when I make a commitment as I have done in the past, it doesn't take long to get into the swing of it... success is most certainly possible... What has always been the difficult part of losing weight and becoming healthy is maintaining, there are so many challenges that can get in your way, weather, depression and injury... None of these should stop me...

When I was at my most successful in the past, I didn't let anything get in the way of my goal... not even my 50th birthday when I made a watermelon birthday cake, instead of a high calorie cake. I didn't feel like I was missing out, I felt incredibly good and on top of my health. The more I exercised, the better and stronger I felt... It was an incredible feeling... at first I started because of the contest but ultimately I kept doing it for me and I then competed with me. 

I think we all need to find what brings our passions out with exercise, mine was walking... I know I will enjoy biking as I biked about 15 years ago and I loved it. For the past couple of months I have been waiting to feel motivated but waiting won't give me the desire, just doing is the only way. My birthday is in less then two weeks, I also will have enough money to purchase a really good pair of sneakers so that I can be successful.

I will be back to tracking my walking on Map My Walk, I would love to surpass the 600 miles I walked in three months last year. I also know it will be slow going in the beginning, it's very easy to get out of shape but I also know it doesn't take long to get back into the swing of it... I don't plan to push myself too hard in the beginning, the last thing I want to do is re injure myself. This time I plan to listen to my body and take a day off here and there to relax my body. What I understand the most is the perfect time does not exist, the time is now...

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Regret Is Nothing Without Change

Late last night I was laying in bed, I had heard something that was making me think about everything I have dealt with in the past few years.  How it had caused me not to trust myself... when I had to admit that it was because I didn't want to trust anyone else... I thought it would be easier... if I didn't allow myself to trust anyone, I couldn't be hurt right? I started thinking about what I would be remembered for... the girl who refused to trust anyone because she was afraid of being hurt... 

Do I really want to be remembered for that? Is that what I want ... people saying how sad it was that I refused to give life a chance again? I haven't been happy for a long time, I had to conclude it was because I was unwilling to trust again. I don't know that I am completely ready to go full speed ahead with trusting but I know I want to try... even though I have been hurt, disappointed and had my dreams broken... I don't want to live with this sadness anymore... 

I took a step today and joined a dating site, I may not find the great love of my life ... maybe it will be finding a good friend... I don't want to be closed off to trying anymore...  It's very true that I can be happy on my own and that is more likely what will happen ... I just don't want to live with regret... I think that is the saddest way to live life.

I might even be hurt again, that comes with trying... but what I realized is that I'm pretty sure I cannot be hurt as deeply as I was before and even though I am still not healed, I survived that... and I didn't think I could or would. So, it might be scary to really open myself up again but not trying would be more scary... This summer is going to be about facing some of my fears, the first one will be zip lining to work on conquering my fear of heights... the next is putting myself out there even if it means being hurt or rejected.

Also, I have to admit to myself that I had given up on myself in these past few months, it was easier than dealing with what was right in front of me. I have been comforting myself with food because of my fears and sadness... I wouldn't even confront how far I have strayed.... The only way to get back on the path I want to be is to accept the truth and make the necessary changes. I've decided that as soon as I'm working at home (which will be soon) I will be making my health a priority ...  

I am going to start with small steps and the first thing is being honest with myself, the second is making a plan and the third and most important is living that plan. I don't want to go back to where I was, I wasn't happy or healthy... I might have given up on myself but I don't have to stay there... I can make the changes I need to make... so that I don't live my life with regret... 

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