There's No Excuse To Give Up On Me

Time really gets away from you, before you know it, a week or two has gone by and I begin to wonder how it flew by and I had so little to show for it.  I kept planning on blogging and always something would get in the way but when I thought about what that something was, there was nothing that I could put my finger on. It's exactly when I realized I need to schedule time for the things I want to do as well as need to do.  I don't know that I will write weekly as I had hoped but I am going to put more effort into it in the future. 

I don't want a month or two to go by and wonder what I had accomplished... I lost my focus when I got injured and I used it as an excuse to do nothing. When I think about it, I allowed myself to give up on me... I wallowed in the injury and the pain with wondering why me? How come I had to deal with this pain when I had done everything right by eating healthy and exercising almost daily ... What had I done wrong to deserve this trial?  Hadn't I worked hard to get on the right path?  Where was reward for putting in the work?

Then a couple of days ago I was talking to a couple of ladies, lamenting the fact that I had to deal with this pain. We then talked about how many of us held on to anger and pain because we wouldn't allow ourselves to forgive others or ourselves. I found myself talking from the heart about how forgiveness is really the only path, no matter what we have had to deal with. I say this as I have dealt with a great deal of painful trials that I could have sat there and allowed it to take over my life... I knew at the age of 15 that forgiveness was the only way I could ever progress in my life... it was when I started forgiving people for pain they inflicted on me, even if they didn't feel they needed the forgiveness. 

Yet, I found myself angry and disappointed with having to deal with this trial, especially when I felt I had done nothing to bring it on... This was when I begin to think about people who did nothing to bring on catastrophic health issues or people who have lost loved ones due to freak accidents or severe weather. I begin to think about how blessed I was, I have two healthy children, I have a career I love that allows me to work from home and I have overcome one crazy trial after another... gaining strength and knowledge that helped me to grow.  I'm still not sure what I need to learn from this one but I also realized I no longer want to use it as an excuse not to work on becoming a better me. 

For the next few days I took the time to ponder the blessings I gained through trials... which made me think about when I was going through each trial and I was absolutely sure there could not be a good enough reason I had to deal with it... yet each time I got through a trial, I was able to clearly see the reason. I have heard people say that there are certain things they could never forgive, mainly because they believe that people only believe that forgiveness should be given to people who admit that have done something that caused pain and that they promise to never do that again... however; there are many people who will never admit to the pain they caused or feel they need forgiveness... forgiveness is for us, more than it is for anyone else. 

Whether the pain brought on by others or pain from life trials, forgiveness is always the answer.  Otherwise, we are the only ones that held hostage to the pain... never being free.  I had forgot this since I had been injured and not able to walk as I loved to do so much... There are other people going through health issues much worse than mine, life threatening ones. Although I understand we shouldn't measure our trials more or less than others... as what we deal with is real for us... however; I think we need to keep everything is perspective. I am sure I will have to remind myself of this in the future, I am hoping it won't take me as long to remember... I am not the only one dealing with pain and I can't use it as an excuse to give up on myself.

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Being Kind To Myself

I have been thinking a lot about how I have been feeling about myself lately... I know I have been harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else, I think I expect too much of myself and I don't cut myself a break because I sometimes believe I have too many excuses. I haven't wanted to use justification so that I have a reason not to change. However; these past two weeks have shown me that I am not rationalizing anything... I'm honestly in a great deal of pain. Walking more than a few blocks have become intolerable, just standing up is an effort... I have kept thinking this will pass so that I can get back on track.

 

I took an additional two days of vacation off with my weekend, I really needed the time off from work to think and relax  ... While I was off, I tried to do a little shopping and I finally had to admit to myself that this is worse than what I had been admitting to myself, there's something more going on that I need to take the time to find out, it's not normal to have this much pain. When I get back to work tomorrow, I will be looking to take a vacation day next week or the one after where I can make an appointment with my doctor. 

The good thing is my friend and I are planning on joining the Canada Games Center this month, swimming will be about the only thing I can deal with right now as I don't need any added stress on my joints. Once I join, I plan to go there 3-4 times per week, I would love to say more but I don't want to push it... I can always add to it later. Also, my friend loves to swim in the lakes once the water is warm enough, so we definitely plan on doing that often this summer. Until I find out what is going on with me physically I am not going to overdue it with anything. I'll probably have to see a physiotherapist... I am hopeful I can turn this around. 

 

Also, Valentina saw the orthodontist and we have two options, one that we are leaning towards but we are waiting until the dentist receives the file, then we can make an informed decision. The good thing is that either method will fix the issue she is having, which I am grateful for... I know how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes such a difference with your self-esteem. Since I grew up with less than stellar looking teeth due to the fire I survived, I want different for my children if at all possible. 

I have been reading a great deal blogs over the past two weeks and quite a few of them involved learning to accept and love ourselves for who we are... and not putting ourselves down if we fail from time to time. If we are afraid to fail, we will never succeed. If I slip up it doesn't mean I am weak and unlovable, it means I just need to find a different way to succeed. There will be a way, it will just take time to figure out ... Admitting there is a physical issue is the first thing I need to do so that I can find out what is happening and then I can find what will work for me. 

Spring is just around the corner, we have been pretty lucky with the winter here this year which I have been really grateful for... it has been a blessing that I have not had to go out in it daily... with how I feel I don't know that I could have dealt with the commute much longer. I'm not going to be disappointed with myself, this isn't something I can just talk myself into... it's the same with depression when someone feels like this, they can't just tell themselves to get up and do things... they need to get help. The answer is that I need to be kinder to myself, the way I am with others...

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Be About Actions, Not Distractions

It's funny how time gets away from me, before I know it a week has passed by, I have been overwhelmed with things going on. I feel like I have been doing catch up for quite some time. You all know I love working from home and how grateful I am to have that blessing, I thought I would have all this extra time to do those things I never seemed to have time to do... but I think until I actually make a plan or a commitment to myself, nothing will change. No amount of extra time will inspire me to follow a plan because the truth is that the lack of time wasn't stopping me from working on myself. Although I said that and felt that, I believe it was an excuse. 

I know from past experience that I will never be successful with anything until I am all in, not just dipping my toe into the water. The excuses I have had for myself for well over a year are just that excuses... the question is what do I really want? If I don't commit fully, do I want to change? I am beginning to think what I am saying has been lip service, even to myself. It's funny how we think by declaring something that we will follow through. Thinking doesn't change anything, actions do... talk will never help me to attain any of the goals I say I want, actions are the only thing that will do that. 

I talked to my friend last night about joining up with the Canada Games Centre, we both want to work on ourselves and I feel that if we do it together it will help immensely... I know that it won't keep me on track as I am the only one who can do that for me... however; I think the buddy system helps to start me on the right path, what I do there when I get there is up to me... I have tried a little and I do mean a little yoga but I feel so uncoordinated with no balance. I didn't commit to it, yet I am fully aware that whenever you start anything it takes time to get to where you desire. 

 

Then I read a blog this morning My New Happy which reminded me that I can't do everything all at once, I can't be my best the first time I try something and I can't give up because of it... the first day I decided walking was what I would do to get healthy and exercise, I walked one mile, it took me close to 23 minutes to walk it... it was tough, I had to stop and rest twice, I was red, out of breath. I wondered how anyone could walk a mile in under 15 minutes. The next day I walked another mile, I built on it slowly, before I knew it I was walking 3 miles a day. It took me nearly 6 months but I got my mile under 15 minutes.  

I didn't give up because it was hard, I committed to putting the time in because I made it important to me. So, as difficult as yoga seems to be, I am going to commit to 10 minutes starting tomorrow. Before I know it I will be able to hold a pose or balance for 10 to 30 seconds... along with this my sister has advised me of two very simple exercises where I can strengthen my back muscles, just because I am 53 I don't want to give up on myself and think this is it... plenty of older people live healthy lives with very little pain. 

 

I'm sure the excuses will come, they came with walking and I didn't give up because it was important to me... I want this to become essential to me too. I have given up on myself many times, I keep fighting back and I became stronger each time.... It's about time for me to commit to myself again and not give up so easily. I have set the alarm clock to get up 20 minutes earlier, eventually, I want to make it an hour... I loved my mornings in the past, it was me time where I could relax and get things done... it's quiet in the mornings, fewer distractions. I need to be about actions, not distractions!

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Change Becomes Easier With Support

I have been contemplating if change is as easy as some people say, I know that there have been times in my life where one minute I was living my life one way and then within a moment I changed and never looked back. Other times I want to flip that switch inside, only I fail over and over. I question myself as to what the difference is between my successes and my failures. For me, I think I succeed when I am no longer afraid of failure and I believe in myself.  

I have been trying to get back on track food wise and failing miserably... I wake up with good intentions and before I know it I fail. Part of me believes I cannot have success without cardio exercise and at the moment it just isn't possible. I have to come to terms with that, I need to take a step in the right direction and have confidence in myself again.  I achieved a goal I had long ago thought wasn't possible, I did it in a moment and for very long time I didn't look back... not until I injured myself and this is where I allowed failure into my life.

When I was injured, the switch I had turned on a couple of years ago was turned off, depression took over my thoughts and mind... the more pain I had the more I turned to food. The sad truth is that I am in more pain because of the weight gain...  it was difficult to exercise right after I was hurt... I lost sight of my long term goals. I gave into the short term injuries... and caused them to be worse... Sadly, I believe we all do this to a degree in our lives.

Why?  Excuses, fear, rationalization, doubt and feelings of inadequacy... Regardless of the story we tell ourselves, we either live with those choices we made or make a decision to choose better and do the work needed. Change can be easy when we commit with our whole heart, otherwise, change is difficult... but always possible. . .

As scary as it sounds and feels, the power to change anything is within us... the only thing stopping us is ourselves. Do I like admitting that to myself? No, it is easier to put the blame on other people and outside forces, however; I also know until I decide to do this for myself, I will not move forward with my health. The older that I become, the more I understand that without my health, I really don't have much.

So, I am open to ideas from everyone, I need to think outside the box... I would love to get motivated again. If I could get started with simple yoga and easy strength training ... I think it could get me started down the right path of becoming healthy again. If anyone has YouTube sites or websites that they find helpful, could you leave the links in the comments. I feel a little overwhelmed when I do searches as usually I find sites that are too complex, which means I don't stay with it. Also, maybe a group I can check in daily with to keep me accountable. Change becomes easier with support...

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One Moment At A Time

I am not one to make resolutions for the New Year, as I find that most times it is just a set up for failure.  I do believe in setting goals, I just don't like doing it at a set time... for me, I just have to do it when I am ready, the day doesn't really matter.  I actually find the more I think of making a change in my life, the more I find excuses not to...

I have had plenty of challenging years but truthfully who has not? No one has an easy or perfect life, it just doesn't exist. As much as we get upset about the trials we encounter, they have the ability to make us better, stronger more empathetic. Believe me when I say that many challenges make absolutely no sense and actually leaves us wondering why we would have to deal with it. However; given time, I usually have come to understand why. 

When Andrey raped me over 8 years ago, I crawled into a shell, I lost my voice... but then I started writing to get it back... I made questionable choices because of the emotional pain I was going through. I am not going to say that I am happy I was raped but I gained a strength I was not aware that I had and I gained an empathy for other people that went through this and other tragedies.  

I have been reflecting on the insanity of this past year, wondering what I need to learn from it, the answers don't always come instantly, sometimes they take a great deal of time. I do know that I ended the year on brighter note, I had a lovely Christmas and I am feeling so relaxed now that I am working at home...  I do have a goal which is an ongoing one, I want to be healthy again... I believe that I was given the opportunity to work at home so that I would have the time to work on regaining my health, for this, I am incredibly grateful.

I feel like the last year of my life had me going backwards with my health, I miss how physically fit I was. I read the first quote by Tony Robbins where he said that making a decision in a moment can change the course of our lives... It had me thinking about the many times in my life where I was standing on the edge of change, questioning if I would be able to leap off and trust that I wouldn't fail. Often I looked over the edge and come up with excuses why leaping might not be the best thing to do... Ultimately, I made the decision to go with it, it was only then that I understood it was never as hard as I believed it would be... which makes me question why I keep holding myself back... 

 

The main thing I want to take away from my trials throughout the years is that no matter how difficult they may be, I am strong enough to handle them. I need to remember that while I am right in the middle of a challenge, there is always a way through. Nothing is permanent. Life is so much shorter than we truly know, with the passing years I have come to appreciate the moment I am in... As all we have is one moment at a time... 

I want to wish all my blog friends throughout the world a very Happy New Year, I hope it brings love, joy and gratitude ...💗💗💗

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Love Wins, Love Always Wins

I have been very busy these days, with keeping the house clean, working and getting Valentina ready for school. Every time I have sat down to write, I would create half a post and then think I'll come back and finish it... however; once I find time to write again, I find my thoughts on the post gone. So I start another one... Three times so far... and it isn't that I haven't wanted to write, it has been more that my thoughts are all over the place.

I think it is because I have been watching too much news, something I had basically given up for many years due to the negativity I feel when I watched it... who needs that? Yet, there have been some very important things going on in the world lately, some of which I believe we need to be well informed on. I won't be giving my opinion on anything one way or the other but I will say this... I often have to pull back and watch a funny show like The Big Bang Theory or an old episode of FRIENDS.  We all need a little laugh from time to time so that the negativity doesn't sink in.

I often think of the uplifting quotes from Martin Luther King... I totally agree with what he said above, I will stick with love, hate is too much of a burden. I think too many of us hold on to hate for much too long. We think if we let go of hate, we are saying what happened to make us hate something is okay. It's not saying that at all, I think by holding onto hate that we breed more hate, I don't want that in my life, I want love.

For myself, I think about how my ex step mother Ruth used the excuse that my father cheated on her to abuse my sisters and me ... she held onto hate... I got to a point in my life at the age of 15 where I knew in my heart that hating her would only hurt me... I moved on and forgave her. My life could have gone one way by holding onto hate but thankfully I chose the other path. It was the best choice I made at such a young age... you would think that it would have been easy for me to choose love over hate.

It wasn't as I'm human... I could have hated Andrey for raping me but I found a way to forgive him and move forward, I didn't want to hold that feeling with me for the rest of my life, it was destroying me inside. Once I stopped hating him I was able to deal with the pain and move forward... Another good choice I made as the road I was on lead nowhere but to darkness. I saw so many good things that came from choosing loving myself over hating someone because I feel that's what choosing love over hate is...

I find what's going on in this this world today, there is so much hate out there which makes me believe even more that we need to choose love ... and yes it is a choice, at least is for me. Each time I have 'chosen' love... I have seen more love grow in my life. I honestly hope that others will look within themselves and see that choosing hate won't change anything for the good... choosing love is the only way... The truth is that love wins, love always wins....

 

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If I Just Believe

Changes are in the wings, most of them exciting, some I am sure I will have to adapt to... what is life without changes?... it really is all about learning to grow and become a better version of ourselves from each challenge that comes our way. I don't like wishing my life to move along faster, especially since I am aging but oh how I wish I was working from home now... I feel like my life is on hold and it shouldn't be ... I just somehow feel like I am in limbo, waiting for this big transition that is sure to change my life in many ways. 

 

I have been using the excuse that I will get on track once I am working from home, until this happens I have been letting myself do as I please... yesterday as I was getting ready to go to the grocery store I was reflecting on where I going in my life... I honestly have lost my way when it comes to my health... I have been walking but not the type you can call exercise... I don't track my walking with Map My Walk... I have been logging on to My Fitness Pal but I am not entering my food. I am uncomfortable with where I am health wise... 

I have talked about how I have strayed but to be honest, I have given up, I didn't even want to admit that to myself... if I admit it, I would have to do something about it...  Frankly I kept telling myself when I had more time I would exercise, I would plan my meals better, I would.... on and on... Those are just excuses to continue down a path that is easier but truthfully not one that I am happy with. Part of me is wondering why I won't just do it?... I have done it before and I loved it... 

I'm not afraid of failing, it is a part of life. I'm not afraid of letting myself or anyone down, I have no desire to impress anyone as I am not looking for anyone else to impress me... Addictions are difficult, they can control us in ways we are not pleased with...  food addiction is one of the more challenging ones to deal with... it is like walking a tight rope, you need to eat but you need to learn to do it in a healthy way... not with massive restrictions.

It's at this point that I have come to understand more now than I ever did... I have to find out why I give up on myself because if I don't, I will never succeed...  because yes I need to eat but it shouldn't be so uncontrollable... I also know I can't wait for a day, a good time or an event... I really just have to start and once I do, I know I will wonder what took me so long. 

For me to be successful, one I need to have the to desire change, two I need to set myself up for success by purchasing the proper food and third I have to decide to exercise again and do it... The last time I did this I started with a contest but that is only a way to start... it's not what will help me to be be committed long term. That has to come from within, I have to want to make these changes for me and for no other reason. I have what it takes if I just believe...

  

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I Choose Me

I have had a pretty busy week, I am trying to get my walking in daily...  it's a challenge but I am trying to push through until it is easier. My past experience proves that it will be easier and more enjoyable with time. It's still a bit too chilly here and frankly I can't wait until I don't have to wear so many layers.  Also, I know for me that I need to have accountability for being healthy, it is much too simple to give into my weaknesses if I don't have to be accountable to myself. 

I don't want my life to be all about what I eat and how much exercise I do but for a little while that is what I need... saying this I need balance in all aspects of becoming healthy. I have lost my way and have used any and all excuses to do as I pleased... I don't want to say I need to get on track but I do need to become focused. I believe we have to choose ourselves... often we put ourselves on the back burner and when we do, we essentially are choosing others... I am all for serving one another but I also know that if we don't choose to take care of ourselves, we have nothing to give to others. 

Things are coming together for me with being able to work from home, I had been looking for a place to live but that idea had to be put away for a few years due to the fact that my Valentina is going to need braces. I was despondent thinking about still having to travel back and forth to work for many years to come but... one of the people I follow through a blog helped me come up with a solution... This may not work for everyone but I am giving up my bedroom to use as my dedicated office and I will be separating my large living room into two sections and have my bed at one end. 

I am totally excited about how this solves my travel issues. I have spoken with my team leader... it's not something that can happen tomorrow but it is in the works. I have people coming to my home this week to help me declutter and organize so that I will be ready when the opportunity comes about.  Part of the problem with throwing things out here is that we have limitations of what and how much we can discard every two weeks. Thankfully one of the ladies coming is going to take many of the bags to the dumpster for me... I am so happy about this... I know that if I have others helping me I am going to be more motivated.

I have put myself on the back burner for far too long, when I injured myself I gave myself permission to be do and eat what I wanted... and if I am being totally honest I was already giving up on myself before I was hurt... I felt like if I could continue to exercise that I could do as I please otherwise... I now know getting hurt was my wake up call, I needed to see that I was over using exercise to keep my excuses that I had given up on me.

I need to choose me again, I did that a few years ago when I focused on becoming healthy in all ways. As much as exercise is important in my life, I don't need to do it to excess... As I wrote before I had some challenges that I wasn't dealing with in the way I should, instead I walked a great deal... I didn't want to look at it, it was so much easier to just go out and exercise it off... After talking with my physio therapist at great length, she explained that I was probably injured and that I ignored it and then really did damage that made me stop... Challenges come into our lives to wake us up... I decided that I needed to go back to basics and choose me... 

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Focusing Is A Choice I Make

As you can see from the picture above, I did something this weekend that I have been wanting to do for a few years... I had my hair colored purple and pink... I'm going to keep it up until the Fall... I am very happy with the outcome.

I feel like I am in limbo... you know that feeling where you are not sure which way to go? I know we all go through those times in our lives... some are small choices, some are life changing. I feel like I am in one of those life changing choices. After getting injured in November and then re-injured again two weeks ago ... I have allowed myself to be derailed. The first thing I had to do was accept that I had allowed it to happen... yes, I also understand that there are times in our lives that we can see our lives propelling out of control and cannot seem to find a way to get back on the path. Sometimes it is lack of commitment, desire and often times it is from disappointment... 

My derailment this time has come from disappointment, does it make it any less or more of an excuse... no.. but it is one of my more difficult feelings to overcome. I believe admitting it is something I need to do, then I have to decide what I want more... I know that I don't feel comfortable where I am right now... I don't believe weight should make or break how I feel about myself... because the weight is not who I am... but by allowing disappointment to derail me it has shown me that no matter how on track, on the path or on the right road I think I am... it is a never ending challenge to always stay focused. 

There is always going to be something, some reason, some excuse that I can use to not focus... to say what does it really matter? Is any of that a good enough reason?  I don't know that I can keep denying to myself that the excuses shouldn't matter, I have to really decide what I want. Often times it's a choice we make within ourselves and I am the first one to admit that none of those decisions are easy... we have to deal with trials and challenges to see how much we want something, how much work we are willing to put into our hopes and dreams. 

 

I have had a couple of friends ask me if I would be willing to give love a chance again? My answer to them is I don't think so, I don't know that I want to trust anyone that much again. I think once trust is destroyed and mine was, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to ever want to put my heart out there again. It has been hard getting to this place as I wanted romantic love in my life for many years... I have come to the point that I no longer believe the pain of loss outweighs the chance of love...

First I used getting injured, then winter, then the re-injury as excuses... part of me wonders if I wasn't looking for an excuse to eat whatever I liked... When I started my weight loss journey in the summer of 2013, I seriously did it for me... no one but me. As I lost the weight I stared seeing the opportunities it gave me, one of them was to date, however; I realized that losing the weight does not make it any easier to trust in a relationship. I then gave up the desire to find romantic love... that was when I started using food to fill that void. 

 

I don't want to fill that void or any other void with food... I have become uncomfortable with myself... not because of the weight, that isn't who I am ... but I'm uncomfortable with the choices of eating that I so readily fell back into...  When I think of the many addictions I have or have had... food is an acceptable one because we need to eat... other addictions can be given up a hundred percent... Food is the addiction I need to learn to come to terms with and not abuse it when my life goes out of control... Focusing is a choice I make...

 

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Choosing The Road Of Success

I have been wanting to write since Saturday but I promised myself I wanted to get caught up with my blogs that I follow first, that took until today... if I take a day off, I get way behind. I honestly love following everyone and commenting because I think that is what the blogging world is about, it is about supporting each other. However; saying this, I do get overwhelmed at times. I do need to cut back a little here and there, I can't comment on every single post as much as I would like to... I am going to get back to allotting myself a set amount of time. 

What I really wanted to write about today is, as you all know I have been struggling with getting back to exercising and eating healthy... I know it is okay to treat myself from time to time but that doesn't mean daily. I hesitate to say these words as I know they will be taken out of context... but I was out of control... I don't think I need to watch every single thing I eat but I NEED to have limits. This is not for everyone but this is what I need, this is how I succeed. 

For the past three months I was upset because I couldn't walk and I sabotaged myself by eating whatever I wanted to... It didn't make me feel better, those things rarely do. I kept thinking in that mentality that I would get it together when I could start walking and exercising again... then I was given the green light and I still continued to eat whatever I wanted... I didn't exercise, I started feeling uncomfortable in my own skin... my clothes were not feeling good on me .... All of this only intensified my emotions more. So, if you remember, I said I was at a crossroads... I chose a path on Friday, I am tracking my food and being accountable for it now. 

Also, today I was waiting for a bus... I looked down the street and realized the sidewalks were pretty clear, I just took off and started walking... it felt great, I pushed myself ... as I walked I wondered why I had allowed excuses to get in the way again?... because it is easier to ignore my feelings and just eat them... that is what the old me did, ignored everything and ate. I didn't like how I was feeling, how I was coming up with one excuse after another. Finally a catalyst happened in my life a couple of days  ago and I couldn't be more grateful that it did... without it I would still be in that rut... 

I feel like I did when I first started my weight loss journey in 2013, which actually turned into my becoming healthy journey... I was so committed, I never let anything get in the way. The weather is not going to always cooperate with me, especially in the next couple of months but that will not be a good enough excuse for me not to be accountable to myself. One day I will write about what finally got me all fired up, for now it's just good enough that I am goal oriented again. 

I realize the most important thing I need to do is prepare my food in advance ... I won't say it is easy as I have never thought it was easy to eat right and exercise daily but I can tell you that I will feel so much better, I remember what it felt like when I did... this is why I never gave up wanting it back... I might have taken the longer road back to where I want to be but the good thing is that I never gave up and I took the right road... the one that will set me up for success. 

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The Choice To Help Or Hinder Our Progress

This weekend I accomplished another goal I had made about 5 months ago, I never spoke about it, I just decided that I was going to complete it by the Fall. I have been exercising a great deal for the past few months and walking has been my main method as I have come to enjoy it a great deal. Most of you know that I have a Fitbit that keeps track of my steps, I have even walked 10 miles through out the day once or twice. Last week I made a decision that I was going to get in at least 25,000 steps on this Saturday past. The first thing I did was buy groceries earlier in the week, I did the laundry on Friday... I made sure there would be no excuses for me to not complete this goal.

So, I not only achieved the 25,000 steps, I made it to 30,000 steps for the day... I set myself up for success by being prepared, by walking practically everyday and building up strength and by not using any excuses. It was quite a bit more than I have done previously, I had made it to 20,000 steps a few times in the past... I ended up having to walk a total of 14 miles for the day. I have to tell you, I feel great... I was sure I would not be able to walk the next day but I went right back out and walked 6 miles today beating my last time by 3 minutes from 2 weeks ago. 

I remember a few short years ago I was so unhealthy, I rarely walked more than a few blocks, I smoked, I only ate salad that was drowned in salad dressing and other veggies were an occasional occurrence. Today I regularly walk 3-6 miles per day, I don't smoke, salad dressing is a rare item and vegetables are a daily food that I love to eat. Of course I eat food that isn't always super healthy but it is within moderation and definitely not daily anymore.

I am really thankful that I had that a ha moment in May of 2013, the one that 'he' unknowingly ignited in me ... the one that got me started on a path I will be forever grateful for being on today. 'He' might have got me started on the path but it took my own strength and determination to stay there and do the hard work. To really stop looking for excuses not to do the work.... I say that because I look back to when I used to put in some effort to lose the weight over the years, invariably it wasn't about a life change, it was until I hit a certain mark. 

Whatever clicked in me that day has never left me completely. I continue to want to keep working and being my best as I never want to go back to that unhealthy girl that was sad in ways that I ate so that I didn't have to feel. Today I walk and write when the sadness shows up... both are much more conducive to reaching and maintaining my goals. Is it easy? I will never say that, the easy way would be giving up and giving into the sadness and food but I won't do that anymore. 

 

Whenever I think I don't have time or that I won't be able to accomplish it because of my age or the many other reasons I might come up with, I remind myself of the quote above that is very true, we all have the same 24 hours in the day, it is what we choose to do with them that matters. I need to work on other aspects of my life such as decluttering my home which I won't make excuses for as I prioritized other things as more important for now. Besides none of us are perfect, we are always a work in progress... forever making choices that will change us in ways that will will either help or hinder our progress. Today I choose to help my progress by making the choice to be better...

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Believing In The Light I Couldn't See

I have been really busy for the past couple of weeks, I realized I had the opportunity to get to a milestone that I never thought was possible when I was looking over my stats on Fitbit and noticed that if I was willing to go all out and walk as often as possible that I might be able to reach 600 miles in three months... and I did it with a day to spare. From July 1st until September 30th I walked over 607 miles, 126 hours of that time was active exercise and I ended up with more than 1,200,000 steps.

I was thrilled when I reached the milestone for many reasons, one because I proved to myself that I could do it, two I proved that age is not a factor if you put all your effort into it and three I removed many excuses out of my life to achieve the goal. There were mornings I thought about just hopping on a bus, misty days I thought about staying home and days where I thought what's a couple of days off going to hurt?... Each time an excuse came up I brushed them off and just walked... do you know what? I don't regret one moment of the steps I took, not one... each one made me feel healthier and stronger. 

What is my next goal? With the cooler months approaching I am going to have to use every available good weather moment to exercise and I have started strength training... I am new to it, so it will take a little time to get comfortable, nothing new feels easy right away, eventually I will be a pro at that too... I have stopped looking for excuses to give up and I just started doing. I think one of the best slogans is the Nike one that said 'Just Do It'... there is nothing more simple and more true.

Am I trying to say it is easy? Not at all... I think we have to work hard to keep getting better, at least for me there is one excuse after another that I could come up with to validate why I can't stay on this path but none of them are true or good excuses. It is funny how I spent so much time talking myself out of doing when it was far less effort to just do it... What I gained more than anything from this was finding out how cathartic exercise really is, whenever something tough or emotional would come up, I would walk and it gave me time to think things through and clear my head. 

 

This was especially true with the last part of September being an anniversary that could have pulled me down if I let it, instead I walked the pain of that anniversary away... I was a little melancholy but I dealt with it in a really good way... I did not give into the sadness. There are more of these days on the way but that was one of the worst ones and if can get through that one, I can get through the other ones... at least the other ones are not nasty painful ones, just good memories that became sad... We all have those, finding out that life doesn't always turn out the way it should or the way we expected....

You know what I learned from the horrible challenge I had to deal with the last two years? I became incredibly grateful for all the trials that I made it through before that one... because each one of those trials was building me stronger to make it through the most difficult one. I knew there was a light even though I couldn't see it, I held onto that... that little bit of Faith and Hope... Trials are a little like exercise, it doesn't necessarily feel good while you are going through it but ultimately it makes you stronger...

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