All I Ever Wanted

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.   

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone...

You know I have been going through a lot of things lately with all the changes I have made in my life and I haven't disclosed all those changes because I believe some things are better left to a small group of people.  It's funny with all the changes that I wouldn't be more nervous, more scared or more wanting to run away and hide but I am not.  For example the food issues I have had all my life, I don't even miss the type of food I used to eat before, I don't even think once I have lost the weight I am going to eat that food again... I highly doubt I will... I just don't miss that food... Another example is exercise... I did a little over the years here and there but I never pushed myself to the next level... This time all I want to do is push myself to the next level and the one after that... I can hardly wait to challenge myself.  I am never sorry when I go out for a walk or a jog or even when I use the stationary bike... I am always thankful that I was able to accomplish those items and then I get right back and want to do them again.

If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched.

Saying all that, I have been pretty overwhelmed when it comes to my David and tonight just drove that home to me...  not that he hasn't been on my mind as usual because that would be a lie if I said that he wasn't.  Tonight I met with some higher ups in my church and I explained what David meant to me and how lost I would be without him in my life.  I explained that I had never been so close to anyone until I had reconnected with my David... When he came home in 2011 and we just stood in my hallway holding each other, with my head on his chest... I felt like I had found my other half.  This is not to say that I am not whole without him because that's not true but I felt more fulfilled than any other time in my life.

I guess that is why when my David realized he still had feeling for his ex that he had just broke up with a few months before...  and he told me he still wanted to be friends and although I knew that was foolish and was going to be painful, I just didn't think I could handle the hole that it would leave in my heart and soul if I didn't at least try to remain friends.  He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and yet he makes me cry sometimes.  In the past year and a half or so, I have flip flopped over and over again about remaining friends with him... Each time I come to the conclusion that I can't imagine my life without him... Lots of people tell me I would eventually get over him, I don't know that I would... he is my soul mate.. I have never loved anyone like I love him... nor do I think that it is possible to love someone else that much. 

So, I realized that I am walking and exercising to not think about David because last night after I had been to the physiotherapist I really was unable to walk and I felt it would be better to rest my knees and start out new this morning. Which was a good decision as I was much stronger this morning and I was able to walk 2 and a half miles and not feel completely tired out, then I went on the bike at work for 20 minutes and had another half hour walk later in the evening... all of which felt great.  But last night when I couldn't walk, I started thinking about David and I started to cry and because I couldn't walk it away or exercise it away, I opened that up again and now no amount of exercise is helping.

And I bet you didn't know
That she cries herself to sleep every
night thinking of you
replaying everything you ever said
everything you ever did
and wondering where she went wrong

Where did I go wrong???

I just have to take a break from blogging for a while and really focus on myself with working through this and getting my home organized so that I can be ready to move as soon as I find a place.  I realized last night that I could push my feelings down by one form after another form of addiction such as eating, exercising, blogging... etc but no matter how much I do to shove it down, it always comes back and it is bigger than it was to begin with... I have to take a week or two... hopefully not more and really get my head into a better place so that I will continue to get healthy by eating right and exercising.  Otherwise, all my old habits or addictions will come back to pull me down again, that is the last thing I want... I have to figure out a way to come to terms with everything so that I can get to the next level.  I need to stop substituting the pain I have with things... blogging, exercising, eating.... the list is endless... I need to deal with it, so that all the steps I have taken to better myself will actually help me.

I am going to miss everyone's blog... if I follow you and comment, believe me, I love your blog.  I don't follow and comment on someones blog to have them follow and comment on mine... I genuinely follow the blogs I do because I get to know you all and really care about what you are passionate about.  For this reason I won't be gone long, I know I won't be able to stay away from each of you... the blogs that make me feel so many emotions, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that make me think, even the lovely fashion blogs I follow... I just need that time I fill up with writing, reading and commenting on blogs to be available for me to work through some things I am going through. 

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone.. I don't want to slide back, I hope you all understand... besides... I will be back..;)

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Laughter Is Truly Needed

 

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

Oh how I have missed blogging, I have not gone this many days in a great long while... I keep wanting to write but I am so busy.  I am continually trying to keep up with the blogs I follow... I may have to give myself a break there once and a while if I am going to get anything else done.  Also, I have ramped up my exercise, I couldn't walk yesterday morning as it was kind of rainy and really damp, I decided to bus it and then use the stationary bike at work... can I say wow... my thighs are feeling it this morning.  Anytime you change your routine up, you can feel it... it just means I am on the right path.... So I biked for 20 minutes before work and sweat like crazy... then I went back and did it again at lunch... I even went an extra mile from morning.

Then I was reading some updates on Facebook and one of the girls in the contest has been walking for the past couple of days... yesterday, she updated that she was going for a 5K, I was like, congratulations... now I need to go for a 5K, lol.  Have I told you that I am highly competitive, just in case you are not aware.  I walked/jogged for just about 3 miles last night... my best time for the length of time I went for.  I am so feeling that in my joints this morning.  What do you think I am going to do today?  I am going to bike this morning and at lunch and if at all possible, I am going to walk tonight, it of course depends on the weather... which is threatening thundershowers.

I also measured myself, so in three weeks, I have lost 3 inches of my hips and 5 inches off my waist... this exercise is so worth it... I can see this weight loss even if I am just wearing my nightgown.  How I wish I had put the two together years ago but I cannot beat myself up for that, I just have to go with it now and be very grateful that I can do this exercise now and that I am thrilled to be eating so healthy these days. I really think for a healthy lifestyle to take hold, I have to be in the right frame of mind... I am hoping I can drop at least 1-2 pounds this week, especially after I lost a big number last week. I just don't want to plateau or gain while I am on the contest... it is only a short 11 weeks, Friday will be the seventh week, with only a four short weeks remaining.

I don't give myself much time to think about anything but exercising and eating healthy, I know I have to give myself time to do other things or this lifestyle won't stick as I cannot continue to only do this and work... that is not what life is about long term..  Yes, I will ALWAYS exercise and truly I want to... I feel better, I feel stronger and I see the benefits but I understand that I cannot do this 7 days a week for the rest of my life.  I talked to a girl at work who dropped a lot of weight and she has made it to her goal weight, she told me now that she is there, she has to work out hard three days a week to maintain... I think three days a week is doable... I am looking forward to be able to do this in about a year or so... until then, it will be 6-7 days a week.

Part of the reason that I don't give myself time to think is because of my David... if I did... I would probably be melancholy... however; the moment I feel that, I go out and exercise until I feel better... love those endorphins.  I remember in the beginning how I thought I had sweat... this past week I have had to peal my clothes off from how hard I have made myself walk/jog/bike...  I can't stay with the same routine, I have to ramp it up a little at a time or it will not be helpful in the long run.  I want so much to talk to my D for more than a few words each day, I miss being able to spill my insides out to him... I love how I can say anything to him and that he still thought I was wonderful.  I haven't had that for so long because of him having to plan a large and detailed exercise and then he had to go out on the exercise... then he was busy writing up about this in great detail.  Finally he went on vacation and now this would be the best time but I am so incredibly busy with exercising that by the time he comes on line, I have to crawl into bed.

The old me would have stayed up until 11 or 12 and talked to him, the me of today is usually off line no later than 10... I am so committed to this that I don't allow myself to stay up as late as I usually did in the past... Besides my body says it has had enough and I usually have no choice in the matter.  One thing though, I really wish I could sleep through the whole night, I am still waking up about every 2-3 hours... I fall right back to sleep but I still wake up... which gives me broken sleep.  I really miss my best friend, I need one of those chats we have where we laugh non stop for an hour, that's what we do... we talk a mile a minute and we never lack for words and the laughter is unbelievable... I haven't been able to really let go for a while... I have been holding in a lot which I know isn't always good long term... I just don't want to get off track while I am on this contest... I so need to be focused.

I keep telling myself that in September I will be able to give myself a night a week but then I will be training for the 5K that I am going to run in October... I will have to really focus on that.  I think I will just have to take that me time and talk to my best friend so that I don't let everything pile up and then spill over... maybe not in a good way... I need to be healthy about this.  I don't want to be back at square one, I love the new committed me, I am loving all the changes I have made and I love the path I am on... I want to stay here and continue on to see how far I can make it down this path.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥