We Can Be Healed From Our Brokenness

It's been a very long time since I have sat down at my computer to write, I am not even sure why it has taken so long, I think constantly about writing but I had difficulty putting my thoughts into words. I keep thinking about how I have been holding onto anger and disappointment for a long time, I haven't been angry at anyone, more angry with my situation. It leaves me feeling guilty because I am well aware that there are people handling things much more difficult in life than I am. 

I guess I thought my life was headed in another direction, I had worked so hard to be healthy so that I could eventually travel and see all the places I have desired to see. Instead I am semi trapped in my home without the ability to leave when I want to, I have to plan a trip out to the store or the doctors and hope that I can handle it until I can make it home. I am forever grateful that I can work from home, I think about how much worse it could be for me if I wasn't blessed in that way. I count my blessings daily because I know deep down how lucky I am.

I remembered a talk that was given by a member of my church many years ago about how although we may be broken in many ways, physically with our bodies, emotionally with our hearts and often our minds.... these are tests and trials we have to deal with to grow. Growth is never easy, if it was was we wouldn't appreciate it, we would believe it was simple ... I remember when I was in my 20's and my baby sister was dealing with an abusive relationship, you know what I thought... she just needs to leave... I had no empathy.  I was almost angry that she stayed in that situation for as long as she did... Then I met Andrey and I grew to understand how come she stayed... I gained empathy and I knew it was incredibly strong of her to finally leave. With the empathy I gained, I too found the strength to leave. 

Sometimes life throws us curves, ones we don't understand why we have to deal with them... we shut down, hold on to anger, close people out because we feel like no one would understand... we think that people will just say grow up, deal with it... someone has it harder than you do... when all that we need is kindness, empathy and love.  We are all dealing with trials or tests that seem so unbearable we are sure we won't make it through to the other side and once we do, we gain knowledge that we never would have gained without going through it. It's not easy, it's tougher than we know but ultimately what we gain is so much more than what the trial was... 

I think about my mom and dad losing their daughter Kimberly at such a young age, she was a little over three... it nearly destroyed them but my mother came through it stronger and knowing that she would see Kimberly again one day... my father instead was an alcoholic and drug addicted, doing everything he could not to deal with the loss ... he was sad and broken, it took me years to see that, I used to think, why doesn't he just get it together... he didn't know how... I believe both my parents have seen Kimmy once they passed on... 

What all this makes me think about is do I want to live my life, sad... angry... disappointed because it doesn't seem like my life is turning out the way I had hoped and planned? Or do I want to remember that although I feel broken in many ways, I can be healed and still find wonderful things to be happy about and feel blessed for... I may not travel the way I had hoped but I can take the time to know people from those places and learn about their heritage... I am so much more blessed then I tend to remember. Although I have had trials and tests that broke me at times, I have found the meaning and healed .... we can all be healed from our brokenness...

 

Follow along!

Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Gratitude For What I Have And What I Lost

Sometimes it seems like I never have enough time in the day, between working, walking and having a little down time... I have a desire to write but it always gets put on the back burner for other things. When I first started really writing in early 2012, I wrote nearly everyday and I did this for almost 2 years of my life. Sometimes I wonder how I did that but it was something I needed to do to heal my heart, that is what writing does for me.

I rarely go back and read those posts I wrote a few years ago because they were raw and bring back memories of a time I believed in dreams that never came to pass... I read a couple of them this week and although they were very sad at times I also saw that I have grown more than I ever thought I was capable of... There were days back then where I wondered how I would or could make it through. Days I was sure that my life would never get to a point where I could ever believe in anything again. 

I had a couple of defining moments, one was when I finally decided I was tired of the excuses as to why I could not lose weight ... for the first time in my life I shelved every single one of them and put my whole heart and soul into me... I believed in myself, I saw my successes and each day I begin to know more and more that I could and would succeed. The second was losing 'him', I cannot even convey the pain I dealt with... words could not describe it... although I still miss 'him' I gained closure that I was unsure I would ever find.

I even think one day I will know why I had to go through that loss, there has to be a bigger reason, I will get the a ha moment out of the blue and smile to myself and think... that was why. Until then I rarely let myself think about 'him' or the past ... he pops in and out of my mind but I don't let 'him' reside there for too long. Usually I get up and go out for a long walk... it clears my mind and I gain focus again. One thing I learned is that although you can have a best friend as we were, you can only rely on yourself, people change. 

This is a difficult weekend for me as it is the anniversary of the fire where I was burned so badly at 15 months old and where my sister died... that catastrophic event changed my families life and challenged us all. Even though we lost so much that day, I still work on finding gratitude for what I have and what I lost... I survived and I thrived... 

Yesterday I went for a long walk, part of me was trying to convince myself that first I could skip a day and then second I only needed to do a couple of miles but I didn't listen to that part, I walked for almost 6 miles and I felt gratitude that I didn't give up, I pushed myself even though part of me didn't believe I could... It was an accomplishment that showed me, each day I wake up and make a choice to be better than I was the day before, I fought against all the odds and became a strong person who refuses to give up.

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

Healing Myself From The Inside Out

I have had a very emotional ride the last few days... truthfully if I am being honest I have had an emotional ride for a long time. I read a blog the other day that made me think about how many of us portray ourselves a certain way to the public and where things are much different privately. I feel like I am a pretty honest and open person but sometimes I hold back because I think most people don't want to hear the sad things because they have their own problems and they just want to hear uplifting and happy things.

I can understand not wanting to hear sad things all the time, I personally don't want to be around negativity all the time... however; sometimes we need to be able to say how things really are.... last week someone told me that I seemed much happier than I used to be... I looked them in the eyes and told them the truth, no... I am not any happier than I was... I couldn't keep pretending because the truth is that I am sad a lot of the time.

However; I explained to them as I am going to explain to you... I have been sad for a very long time and for most of that time I looked outside of myself for ways to heal the sadness... I wanted to feel better, I wanted to be happy again because I do remember what it was like to be happy and full of joy... In the last few months I am no longer looking outside of myself ... I have been looking within... So, yes I may not be as happy as I want or feel the joy I know I am capable of feeling but I do feel like I am on the right path.

I feel like I have a much better chance of feeling joy and happiness where I am at now as to where I was at before... I know that I have many people that care about me... I definitely feel that but on my sad days or disappointing days I have a hard time even seeing that... Having a strong foundation of friends is not always enough sometimes, I know that I have to have a strong foundation within myself ... no one can truly make me happy, it has to come from within myself.

 

That is why I finally decided to stop looking outside of myself to heal me... it wasn't working, it never truly did, it was just a bandage to cover the pain. So, although I am still sad a lot of the time, I am no longer looking for a bandage to cover the pain, I am searching for why I feel like this and looking for ways to heal myself from the inside out...

Follow along!
Facebook //  Twitter //  Google Plus //  Bloglovin //  Instagram //  Pinterest // 

You And I, Always Almost

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I had a pretty good week, a little less walking than I wanted to do but I have to remember that I am not a machine, just because my mind wants me to walk all the time, does not mean it is always a good thing.  So, I did take a little time off to work with my physiotherapist and my knees are beginning to feel a little better.  She is sure with time and some simple exercises I will be able to run up and down stairs again in the near future.  Friday was weigh in day for my 10th week of the contest, there is just one week left, I managed to lose 1.6 pounds bringing my total weight loss to 33.4 pounds.  Here is the funny thing, when I first got weighed I was a little disappointed that it was only 1.6 pounds... as I had time to process it through the day I realized how silly I was being.  I was in awe that at the 10 week mark I am still losing a good amount of weight... I am 50 years old, I am not in my twenties when it was easy to lose weight... however; I never lost any weight in the past, this healthy. 

I know many people who would love to lose as much weight as I have in the short amount of time... I not only lost the weight, I have lost the inches.  Everyone is telling me how great I am looking, I am feeling better and better about myself.  The two sisters that I grew up with are smaller than me, yet my baby sister said to me today, maybe if I can lose another 25 pounds, I can be happy... I looked at her and said, how about being happy with yourself now?  You have lost 50 pounds and you look amazing... She then said, I guess I should have said happier than I am now.  Well, I am happy with my weight loss, I see the difference, I feel great... I don't want to stop here by any means as I want to be healthy.  However; losing more weight will not make me any happier, it will make me healthier. 

Anyhow, what I really wanted to write about was how hard it is to know that I have met my soul mate and that it was at the wrong time, it seems like my David and I have almost always been together at different times in our lives... I only bring this up as my sisters and I were at the beach today and they were both trying to get me to date again.  I told them I am not ready and I am not sure when I ever will be... they laughed and told me that the best way to get over one man was to start dating another man...  I don't think that is the way for me to get over David, I think the best thing I can do is work on myself to become the best me.  I don't think jumping in and out of relationships is the way for me to handle a broken heart.  I am healing, I am happier than I have been in a very long time, it all takes time with me... dating someone new at this moment in my life would just mess me up and mess up another person.  For once in my life, I don't want to use bad methods to work through sadness... I want to work through the sadness with good things.  

Things like exercising, eating healthy, attending church... mostly loving myself...  I can't see how dating someone new would make any of these better?  Sometimes it is best to be alone and process things like a broken heart.  It is not like I am sitting in my room crying day after day or using things to cover the sadness.  I am getting out daily, walking and running... I have not watched TV for 10 weeks, I have not even blogged on a daily basis... I am working on me, I am pushing my body to become the best that it can be and in the process I am working through a lot of emotional issues that in the past I would bury my head in the sand and try to forget about.  At least now I don't get on the bus and sob away all the way to work, nor do I sit in my cubicle at work crying like I used to... I am living my life actively and I am dealing with things better than I ever did. 

Saying all this, I do get sad about David from time to time... I know that I will never meet anyone that compares to him, we fit together perfectly, we laughed at the same jokes, I trust him with anything.  I have told him secrets that I never told anyone else, he never broke those secrets and he told me things he never told anyone else, I would never tell them to anyone ever... My David was not my first love, he was my true love, he is my soul mate... David and I have always been almost... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

All I Ever Wanted

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.   

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone...

You know I have been going through a lot of things lately with all the changes I have made in my life and I haven't disclosed all those changes because I believe some things are better left to a small group of people.  It's funny with all the changes that I wouldn't be more nervous, more scared or more wanting to run away and hide but I am not.  For example the food issues I have had all my life, I don't even miss the type of food I used to eat before, I don't even think once I have lost the weight I am going to eat that food again... I highly doubt I will... I just don't miss that food... Another example is exercise... I did a little over the years here and there but I never pushed myself to the next level... This time all I want to do is push myself to the next level and the one after that... I can hardly wait to challenge myself.  I am never sorry when I go out for a walk or a jog or even when I use the stationary bike... I am always thankful that I was able to accomplish those items and then I get right back and want to do them again.

If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched.

Saying all that, I have been pretty overwhelmed when it comes to my David and tonight just drove that home to me...  not that he hasn't been on my mind as usual because that would be a lie if I said that he wasn't.  Tonight I met with some higher ups in my church and I explained what David meant to me and how lost I would be without him in my life.  I explained that I had never been so close to anyone until I had reconnected with my David... When he came home in 2011 and we just stood in my hallway holding each other, with my head on his chest... I felt like I had found my other half.  This is not to say that I am not whole without him because that's not true but I felt more fulfilled than any other time in my life.

I guess that is why when my David realized he still had feeling for his ex that he had just broke up with a few months before...  and he told me he still wanted to be friends and although I knew that was foolish and was going to be painful, I just didn't think I could handle the hole that it would leave in my heart and soul if I didn't at least try to remain friends.  He makes me laugh, he makes me smile and yet he makes me cry sometimes.  In the past year and a half or so, I have flip flopped over and over again about remaining friends with him... Each time I come to the conclusion that I can't imagine my life without him... Lots of people tell me I would eventually get over him, I don't know that I would... he is my soul mate.. I have never loved anyone like I love him... nor do I think that it is possible to love someone else that much. 

So, I realized that I am walking and exercising to not think about David because last night after I had been to the physiotherapist I really was unable to walk and I felt it would be better to rest my knees and start out new this morning. Which was a good decision as I was much stronger this morning and I was able to walk 2 and a half miles and not feel completely tired out, then I went on the bike at work for 20 minutes and had another half hour walk later in the evening... all of which felt great.  But last night when I couldn't walk, I started thinking about David and I started to cry and because I couldn't walk it away or exercise it away, I opened that up again and now no amount of exercise is helping.

And I bet you didn't know
That she cries herself to sleep every
night thinking of you
replaying everything you ever said
everything you ever did
and wondering where she went wrong

Where did I go wrong???

I just have to take a break from blogging for a while and really focus on myself with working through this and getting my home organized so that I can be ready to move as soon as I find a place.  I realized last night that I could push my feelings down by one form after another form of addiction such as eating, exercising, blogging... etc but no matter how much I do to shove it down, it always comes back and it is bigger than it was to begin with... I have to take a week or two... hopefully not more and really get my head into a better place so that I will continue to get healthy by eating right and exercising.  Otherwise, all my old habits or addictions will come back to pull me down again, that is the last thing I want... I have to figure out a way to come to terms with everything so that I can get to the next level.  I need to stop substituting the pain I have with things... blogging, exercising, eating.... the list is endless... I need to deal with it, so that all the steps I have taken to better myself will actually help me.

I am going to miss everyone's blog... if I follow you and comment, believe me, I love your blog.  I don't follow and comment on someones blog to have them follow and comment on mine... I genuinely follow the blogs I do because I get to know you all and really care about what you are passionate about.  For this reason I won't be gone long, I know I won't be able to stay away from each of you... the blogs that make me feel so many emotions, the ones that make me laugh, the ones that make me think, even the lovely fashion blogs I follow... I just need that time I fill up with writing, reading and commenting on blogs to be available for me to work through some things I am going through. 

All I ever wanted, was to be loved... All I ever needed was to be wanted... And all I ever wanted, is gone.. I don't want to slide back, I hope you all understand... besides... I will be back..;)

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Good Fathers Do Exist

Well, my second day was almost as good as my first day for exercising... the weather has been holding out and co-operating with me... it is warm but also there is a great breeze.  The only small down fall was that I didn't take my sneakers to walk with... I wore a pair of flats... not such a great idea as now I have two blisters... lesson learned.  I will just have to walk through the pain until they heal, I am not giving up walking now that I have started.

Tomorrow after work I am going to stop off at the store and pick up a good pair of rain boots... it has been raining a lot here for the past month or more... who am I kidding, I was beginning to think I might be able to swim to work.  Although I love rain in the evenings for sleeping, I seriously have had more than my fair share of rain for the time being.  Saying that, I also need to be prepared so that I don't let that be an excuse not to walk.

I have three big agendas on the go right now and I am trying hard not to overwhelm myself, the first one of course is exercising and eating correctly... the second is finding a place to move (I have to get on that as I want to be settled somewhere for September) and third, I have to purge this place.... I get so completely frustrated when I go to look for a simple item I know I have and it is not where I left it... I find that Valentina's clutter is invading all spaces right now... she has been just dropping items, clothing, shoes... whatever - where ever  she wants to... I have stopped hanging out in the living room as I rarely if ever watch TV... she has taken the room over and it is just one huge disaster.

So, this week I will be taking the opportunity to walk around my neighborhood to see if there is any available places I could rent, I am also going to start collecting boxes and packing away anything I am not using and that I will still need to use, once I am moved.  Next, Valentina needs to look out, I will be throwing items away at will, I have talked to her until I am blue in the face about putting her things away... apparently she needs to lose them to appreciate them.  Especially when the items are anywhere but in her room... I do care how her room looks but I don't care as much as long as the rest of the house stays relatively clutter free.

It's father's day today... not a day I have celebrated as first my father and I were not super close and he passed away in November 2004.  I have been a single mom twice and neither of those men stepped up to the plate to be the fathers they should be... I went to church today and one of the talks given was about not holding a grudge or resentment for lacking what we felt may have missed out on by not having the father we wanted.  It reminded me that although my dad didn't act like the father I needed him to be, he was there for me...

It also reminded me that holding a grudge or resentment only hurts me and I didn't even realize that I was doing it until today... I shut down when I read on Facebook and Twitter where, everyone was raving about their fathers and husbands... then I went to read some blogs and there were posts about the wonderful dads and husbands these people have... It made me cry to realize that I had been holding any resentment about this... this is not me... I don't like to hold onto anything like this as I know it only hurts me in the long run.

I went onto Facebook and wished all daddy's a wonderful day, especially my amazing son-in-law Paul who loves his son, my grandson Jackson, my nephew Kyle who is a really good daddy to his son Lucas and of course I could not forget my David who is a terrific father to his two children.  There are some really fabulous fathers and I feel blessed to have some of these men in my life who show me that good fathers really do exist...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Joy From Challenges

 

 In one week I will be back to work, I am kind of excited... I know that will wear off with the first crazy busy day.  However; I miss the interaction with people, talking to my teammates every day and dealing with clients.  This really is a good job for me, I love to talk and I can usually make my clients laugh and feel good after they have spoken with me. 

I have been thinking about how long it has been since I have felt complete joy, I have joyful moments, what I mean is a prolonged joy where everything seems to come together.  I don't suppose that we could grow to our potential if all we ever experienced was joy.  It really is those trials that we endure, overcome, get through that end up bringing us the most joy.

I hold on to that thought as I deal with my trials, I will get through them... I always do.  Some just take a little longer, I think when I make it through a really difficult trial... I will be able to see why the trial was needed to push me out of my comfort zone, so that I don't settle for less than my best.  I deal with depression which can be difficult to handle, I decided a year ago that I didn't like the way pills made me feel.   Sure I rarely cried but I also rarely felt anything, I felt it was better to be able to cry and let out some emotion.  I don't think that this is a way for everyone to deal with depression, this is just how I handle mine.

Besides I am so jaded from taking any pills other than an occasional Advil or antibiotic.  I am going to start taking natural vitamins.  After my issue with my cholesterol medication, I am very leery of taking any pharmaceuticals... that was very scary for me when I could barely walk with the medication causing weakness to my muscles.  The last couple of days I have felt more myself when walking, other than I need to build up core strength.  I will be looking at natural ways to handle any of my health issues in the future...

I didn't sleep very much last night, maybe three hours.... Tonight I am going to change my sheets and than I am going to take a relaxing hot bubble bath...  that should help me drift off to dreamland.  It is all about doing things naturally for my body as much as possible, I cannot handle the side effects of most medication I have taken in the past.

Friday I am going to blog about another favorite blogger of mine, she has me in stitches with each post, I have to read her blog when I am alone or people around would think I was crazy laughing so loud... alright, I already hear my family and friends saying, can she laugh any louder than she does now... hahaha...   I hope you all take the opportunity to visit some of their blogs.

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥  

The Point Is That I'm Worth It

Although I am not looking forward to going through my operation... I do remember the pain involved and that was many, many years ago... I think the last time I had this surgery, I might have been twelve and it took me the whole summer vacation, eight weeks to heal.  I am hoping it doesn't take any longer at this age.  I am really grateful that I finally have the opportunity to have my leg really heal. That will be awesome, I can hardly wait to start exercising and although I may have to take it slow to begin with, I plan to push myself farther than I ever thought I could go.

I have a goal in mind and for this goal to happen... it means I have to decide if I am worth it?  I have decided that I am more than worth it... no more excuses.  This time off is going to be good for me, it's going to be difficult too... I will be on my own a lot, lots of time to think.  I am going to set aside time for exercise once I am clear to do from the doctor... I still have that goal of running a 5K by the end of this year, a friend of mine is going to do it with me and I am going to go zip lining in the summer with another friend from work.

Here is something I want to do in the next year is go to a concert, believe it or not, I have never gone to one.  I didn't have the money to go to things like that when I was younger and then just as I was getting to that time in life where I could do this, I had my beautiful Valentina and of course she became my priority.  She's getting older though and it is time for me to fulfill a few of those items on my bucket list.  Now I just have to find someone that I would like to see in concert...

2013 is looking promising, I finally have some goals, I can see that I am not going to be sad all the time for the rest of my life.  For a long time, I couldn't see that... I am thankful that I am getting focused again.  I am not wasting anymore time.  I am also going to stop letting people frustrate me, I have let that go on for far too long. 

You know something I have learned about myself this year?  I sometimes don't see people for who they really are especially when I am close to them... I see them the way I want to see them.  Lately I am really paying attention to how and what someone says to me.  It is interesting how contradictory people can be... I guess this has frustrated me in the past because I am open and I don't understand saying one thing and doing another.

I suppose everyone has their own way of dealing with their past or their trials and I don't judge them in anyway for that, I guess I have to decide what is really important to me.  I don't believe in blaming my past for my present, I don't believe in holding anger against another person and most of all I don't believe in saying poor me.  Every last one of us has trials, some from our own poor decisions and others out of our control.  I feel that I have the right to be sad when dealing with difficulties but I don't believe in allowing them to take me over.

I lost my focus and I forgot my worth, 2013 is the year I found it again... I won't ever forget again.  I hope everyone remembers their worth too...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Nothing Will Change That

First and foremost my David is okay, he had his surgery and came through so well; he is home... resting and relaxing as much as possible.  I am just SO happy, SO elated... I can breathe finally, I have been so focused with worry, time for me to relax now too.

So last night I was laying in bed... I couldn't sleep right away so I decided to write and I wrote the poem below.  I have realized that my biggest fear with my David was that if I told him that I still loved him that I would lose him as a friend; that could happen but I don't think that it will.  I am moving on for me and for him.

Time stands still for me
When my thoughts are in the past
I'm leaving them there today

I'm moving on, I need to do this for me and for you
The truth must be said, at all costs
I love you, I always will, nothing can change that

I've been afraid for far too long
Afraid if I said how I felt, that things would change
I don't want to be afraid anymore

I am confronting my fear here and now
Maybe I have the fear for no reason
Maybe that is the lesson I need to learn

Or it might be that I'd lose you
But you'd lose me too
And I would be a great loss

We will always be unfinished business in my heart
The door will never close
I will always be there for you

One more time, I accept the present
I'm moving on, for me and for you
I love you, I always will, nothing can change that

Before Christmas and through to New Years, I was barely holding myself together... I did it for Valentina.  I kept myself together, fearing that I would fall completely apart after New Years; I didn't fall apart, I am actually feeling my heart healing.  I am happier, I have goals that I am working towards. 

I am grateful that I found a way to change my thoughts and emotions so that I can finally write what my biggest fear was, it's no longer a fear anymore... I am at peace with whatever happens. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

It's Christmas Eve 2012

It's Christmas Eve 2012 and frankly I don't think I can be much sadder than I am right now.  I know, not the most uplifting thing to post but it's the reason I haven't written lately because I didn't want to have a sad post.  Especially this time of year, I should be happy... I should be filled with joy... I should be excited.  I am none of these, I am sad, I am disappointed, I am lost and I am lonely.

I am trying hard to keep it together for my youngest daughter Valentina she deserves to have a happy Christmas and she doesn't need to remember it with me crying because I can't keep it together.  I have done everything I can to not wallow in the sadness, I just need to get through to the new year; if I can get through to there without breaking down completely, Cindy can take her for a week until I can get myself together.

I have started writing this four times in the past few days, I always back out at the end because I want to be positive but I feel like if I don't get all these feelings out, they will consume me and I won't be able to write until I say what's in my heart.  Do you know what the saddest thing about this whole thing is that I'm almost afraid to write it because of what I may lose.

I have not been coping well, I think every other day how easy it would be to go back to how I was dealing with the pain before... it was certainly easier to cover it all than to deal with it.  Dealing with it makes me very sad, one year ago I was the happiest person I knew; I was on cloud nine, nothing could reach me.  I smiled and laughed so much... I was planning my future, I had one to plan then.  Today I just have broken dreams... one's I have tried to patch together in this past year but I have failed.

Last night my little one offered the prayer at bedtime, I was pleasantly surprised, she had said it the night before and we usually take turns.  The prayer she said was from the heart and it made me cry, cry because she has the same dream I have and it's bad enough that mine is broken but I didn't want hers broken too...

I went on that high flying ride last year and took her with me, I never doubted for one minute that I had a future with my 'D' or I never would have allowed Valentina to be hopeful about it, I would have taken a let's see how it goes and then making plans.  Neither I nor my 'D' took a let's wait and see, we were both over the moon and insanely crazy for each other that neither of us thought what this could do to a little girl who has already dealt with too much loss in her very young life.

I am angry at myself, I am disappointed that I didn't think more about what this could do to Valentina, mostly I cannot believe that I didn't even entertain the thought that it might not work out.... namely because there was and is no tangible reason.  After Christmas I am going to have to sit down and break my little girls heart and she and I are going to have to move on from this, I just hope she will be able to trust again one day, I am not sure about me.

So on this Christmas Eve 2012, I am trying to look forward to the future... wondering if I will be right and writing this post changes my life in ways I am not sure I am ready for.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Choice Is Mine Whether It's Good Or Bad

First an update on my leg, I finally could not handle the pain, I made an appointment with my doctor.  I saw her this evening, not only did my cholesterol pills leave my legs weak as they can cause major muscle damage.  I was lucky to catch it so early, it has not done long term damage... all my blood work came back excellent.  Also, I have damaged my knee and I will have to use a cane, ugh... nothing like a cane to make you look aged.  I love that I look a good 6 to 8 years younger than I am but I won't look young with a cane.

It should only be for six weeks as she feels it will heal without so much stress on it.  So tomorrow I am off to buy a cane, I need one that makes me look young... lol.  Then I have to get ex rays of my knee and leg and then I get to go to work, what an awesome day I have ahead of me, I can't wait.  Now onto a topic that my sister and I discussed.  

My sister asked me yesterday morning what was worse, using bad addictions (whatever they are) to deal with pain?  Which I don't see that people are all that happy with their addictions, she agreed. Then she said or is it really better to deal with the pain in a good way (by whatever method, ie counseling, exercising, writing) and yet still not be all that happy either.

I'm not even sure how to answer that, just because I have spent this last year working non stop with counseling, blogging, cleanses, mentor groups.  I have worked on a lot of good things this year; it's true I'm further along but I'm still nowhere near as happy as I want to be and know I can be, as I have felt sheer and blissful joy.  I know it exists, so I am always hopeful that I will have it again and soon.

I haven't answered this for myself yet though, I waffle between getting through the pain by all the best methods positively but I don't always succeed and I fall back to those addictions that help to numb me so I don't feel everything so easily, like eating the wrong food, watching TV just so I don't have to think of anything important.  I have done much worse a few years ago but I have learned from those choices... I want to look back in 6 months, a year and see that I have even grown further from this.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Thoughts On Two And A Half Hours Sleep

I was up most of the night last night.  I kept waking up, dozing...  I was so tempted to stay home and rest my leg and get some much needed sleep but as a single working mom, I don't have that choice.

I'm already making up time from missing a Monday, this would only be adding to it more.  If there is anyone who wants 2012 gone now, it's me. I had such high hopes for this year, it just didn't work out the way it should have.

I'm stuck in Nova Scotia when my 'D' is not feeling good.  I want to be there for him, I want to take care of him.  I just sit here worrying and praying that he'll be okay and mostly that he won't have to go back in for surgery again.  It seems like every other person I talk to is having great difficulties... how I wish everyone's load gets a little lighter soon.

I'm trying to stay positive and uplifting, especially with my David. He's finding it difficult to feel good when he keeps having these set backs.  I know how he feels though, my leg starts getting better then I walk somewhere and the pain sets in for a couple of days. It's hard to keep myself up but I don't give up, if I did I would never get out of bed.

I wonder when I'm just going to feel like myself again?  I don't expect perfection, I just want to feel okay.  Battling your health is nasty, I've known how blessed I was, I can't wait to feel that way again.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Letting Go To Heal

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are."- Rachel Naomi Remen

Each day has been a day to learn how to deal with the pain, it has become less but it's still been difficult.  Living with this kind of weakness and pain has been hard to focus on what really matters, I am trying to handle it all and grow above it.

Not that I haven't been grateful for my health, I have been. I still am, even though it's been more challenging.  Coming through this will and can only strengthen me!  This will help me to remember how blessed I am once I actually get through to the other side. 

This weekend past was another one to rest, another one to think about what I want and how I have to go about it to attain it.  Some dreams I have to give up on, so that I can live the life I'm meant to live; I have to believe that things will work out as they were meant to. 

Some things in life throw us curves to see how much we want what our heart desires.  I lost my focus due to seeing my hopes and dreams destroyed when they were so close at hand.  What I've been wishing, dreaming and hoping is a good and righteous dream, something good that I more than deserve.

The difficult days we experience can become the driving force for change. Rather than becoming victimized by adversity, we can choose to be grateful for it, embracing it as a gift from the Divine. ~ Dr. Terry Gordon

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield