My Silly Insecurities

Since I cannot communicate with David I am feeling the need to write more than ever.  I feel a little lonely and sad which is really silly since I have so many wonderful family and friends in my life.  I am truly lucky and blessed.  I feel a little selfish for feeling lonely and sad; then I remember that I do have the right to feel the way I do.

I guess this all stems back to growing up with my ex step mother Ruth who wouldn't allow us to have feelings.  Really, if we cried she'd tell us that she would give us something to cry about and than she would proceed to follow through.  She was so insecure with herself that she felt the need to tear people down, she especially had no issues with tearing down children and making them feel small.  How very sad was that, that she felt this made her feel better about herself?

I'm glad that I can see her for what she was, a very unhappy and bitter woman who deep down didn't love herself and had no idea how to love another person.  I overcame that with her, I always believed there was better then that.  I believed in love.

When I finally got to meet my mother when I was 15 she told me that I was one of her strongest children.  I stood up for what I wanted and believed in, I always did. There were so many times that Ruth and dad would be close to separating and Ruth would sit us down and ask who we wanted to live with?  I would choose dad every time, which always got me in trouble because they never parted until I was much older.

I'm still glad that I stood up for myself though, it was my way of letting her know she wasn't going to control me forever.  Finally when I was 15 my dad came to his senses and left her. When I walked out that day, I was never going to return even if I had to live on the street. I was free!

Later when I ended up marrying Andrey and feeling trapped, I came to the conclusion that I could care less about things.  All I wanted was to be free of Andrey, I wanted to take Valentina and look after her without his input.  The day that I became free of him (April 3rd, 2009) was one of the best days of my life.

Ever since then I refuse to ever be controlled again, that is not love.  Love is freedom to be yourself and not be ridiculed. David taught me that, I had been floating along for a few years messed up in my way of thinking and he came along and showed me that loving myself and respecting myself was the only way to live truly free.

Once I finally understood that; I changed my way of thinking.  I realize I am a  valuable and wonderful woman who deserves to be loved.  How I wish I could talk to David, is it May 10th yet? LOL.

Waiting is not one of my strong suits.  Part of my worry about not being able to talk to David for so long was that I was afraid he would forget me. Really??  There goes my insecurities, they are even getting old to me. He won't forget me, he's my best and closest friend, he loves me and I love him. We will always be close to each other no matter what happens in the future.

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