Mediocrity Is Tenacious

I read this quote the other day and it resonated with me ... my friend and I were discussing how throughout our lives we have overcome one challenge or another and how good we felt about it. I told her how I was in the zone when I lost weight a few years ago and that when I was hurt, I let it slide and lately I have let mediocrity take over and why? Because it was easy. It was almost like I accepted it and believed it would just be better to give up... 

After I read this quote it made me remember how we might stumble and fall but we have a choice of staying there or getting back up, dusting myself off and making another choice.... because it is right, we are never done. There is no ending, there is only continual change. . . we don't just work out in the gym and say there, 'I'm done'... we can't just say I ate healthy and 'that's it'. I think we all want that, I know I wish it was easier as it sometimes feels overwhelming.

I am not back on track yet but I have a desire to get there, I haven't even had the true desire in such a long time. It has been frustrating to me as exercising is not easy at all, I am cognizant that I am going to have to put in more time at a slower and easier pace... I also need to commit to finding other ways to get to where I want to be. Just because I could walk for hours in the past doesn't mean that is the only way I can back to the path, the one where I felt healthy, strong and happy with where I was.  I was worried as winter is on its way and that time of the year tends to sideline me as it does many people...

Instead of thinking/believing I am set up to fail because of the weather, the weight and the physical pain I have... I just have to find another way, there is not just one path for us to get us to where we desire... There are many trails, falling backwards happens to us all, not staying there is a choice we each make. I was feeling helpless, out of control... sure there was no way to deal with the setback in my health...

Then I read the quote which popped out at me and reminded me I am tenacious, I have always been this way... I have made it through so many trials where once I was sure I wouldn't make it through. Like the quote says mediocrity is tenacious, I have to be more so... I need to be stronger than mediocrity... I cannot be comfortable when I make it to a certain destination... as the truth is that we should never be complacent and stop... we need to be reaching for the next desire that can help us grow.

I don't want to accept that failure is easier because I am tired of trying... that is definitely mediocrity that has found a way in ... basically, I let my guard down and I gave up but thankfully I don't have to stay there... I don't have to give up, I can keep fighting and I can succeed... I have to make that choice, I have done it in the past, I know I can do it again... that is how tenacity beats mediocrity...

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Happiness Can Be A Step Away

I had a fairly good week in getting things done that I needed to do... I finally started to declutter, it has been overwhelming. I had to get to a point that I realize I won't get it done in one day, not even one week... possibly a month. As I am not looking to just move things from one place to another, I want to completely rid myself of things I no longer need or use. It's awful how I have accumulated unnecessary things, I have started with the bigger items and rearranging furniture.

 

As furniture and bags have left the house, I have started to feel lighter... I am looking forward to the day I have my house in order so that everything has a place and nothing new comes into the house unless something is leaving. The older I get the more I want to downsize... I have gone through cleaning thoroughly many times but until I downsize the clutter will always take over and become uncontrollable. It's like putting a band-aid on a cut that needs stitches... it never heals. If I want Valentina to learn that things are not important, I have to set the example.

With learning to live in the moment, it has given me the desire to do what I can each day, not thinking of ways to leave it for another day... I came to a conclusion the past couple of weeks that I was ignoring things that needed to be done because I didn't want to deal with it... just like opening my heart to allow love into it... I had to open my eyes to my surroundings and do something about it. My house is not a disaster by any means, I just have too many things that don't have places to go.

I had to take a hard look at myself and know that I had allowed it to get to this point because I didn't want to handle it, I didn't want to take responsibility, if I did, I would have to admit that I could do something, ... it meant I could no longer come home from work, sit down and veg out with my phone and the TV (which I don't even really watch)... When I had really committed to exercise, I gave up TV for 5 or 6 months and I didn't miss it at all, I am doing this again.

I have two goals by the end of this year and going forward, first the short goal is decluttering my house, which I have a very good start on and two getting back to walking and strength training. I have not felt good with my health, the added weight has made me want to move less and it has caused pain in my knees... luckily for me I remember how good it feels to be healthy and I am looking forward to getting there again. I don't have a goal weight, I have exercise goals... I'm back on My Fitness Pal and I am starting a couple of walking challenges tomorrow, this is what I need to get myself back to exercising daily. 

I think opening my heart to love was one of the best decisions I have made, it helped me take a long look at my life and by not hiding, I had to do something about it... is it easy? No, I can't say that but I can say that I can see it will be worth it... I had open up to see that happiness can be a step away...

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Excuses Are Unacceptable For Me

I wrote last night ... I was too tired to add the pictures and publish it ... when I woke up this morning, I re-read it and realized it wasn't something I should publish here. I added it to my private blog. I couldn't delete it totally because it was how I felt and I just needed to get it out. However; it made me realize a few things... it is not news to anyone I know that I have been very sad for a long time... I wear my my heart on my sleeve. I don't know how to compartmentalize that part of myself, not that I didn't try because when I was numbing myself by zoning out of my life that was my effort to hide my sadness.

That didn't work out for me so well, instead it built up more and I tried numbing it more. I ignored everything, I would come home, veg in front of the TV then go on the computer, then sleep. Anytime I thought about the sadness that was threatening to engulf me at any moment ... I dove into anything and everything that would cover the sadness. It didn't work though as it rarely does, what it does instead, it ends up destroying me. I don't know about other people, I just know about me and whenever I bury something, it comes back stronger.

Then like I wrote before, an incident at Christmas was eye opening to me... and I knew that if I was to ever overcome the sadness, I had to feel every last bit of it. Hence why I don't sleep as much as I should, my mind never turns off. What I neglected to see through the last year and a half was that I was angry too... that was not something I wanted to admit to myself, let alone anyone else. However; I had to let myself feel that too... that was what last nights post was about...

I was angry at 'him' for a number of reasons that I won't go into here... I do wish I could have said the words I had inside to him, he needs to know... but then I don't think he would own the truths, instead he'd lay more blame outside of himself, probably on me. I actually took the blame he laid on me at first but as time went on, I realized he was afraid of what I knew and what I could say. This proved he never really knew me and it took me a long time to accept that... because if he had really known me, he would have known that I would never ever do anything to hurt him... even though he had hurt me more than I ever thought possible.

I let go of the anger before the New Year... I didn't want to bring it with me, the sadness is slowly going away. It's because I am changing my life, this year is really about 'No Excuses' for me. I rarely miss a day of exercise, if I cannot walk because of nasty weather, I have danced and I am continually looking for alternatives. I want to be successful, so I am thinking outside the box daily.

I cleaned and organized my home a bit more, little by little I am going to be ready to move and really make a new start by downsizing to absolute necessities. The more things I have, the more clutter I have... the less peace I have. I am making and keeping plans with friends, there is a dance this weekend coming up and I am going, I even have a little black dress for it (my first one). I plan to just have fun and dance with my girlfriends... As well I have made commitments to have people over and just talk... I think with the internet we lost that ability for small chat... I miss that.

With everyday that goes by that I don't numb my feelings or thoughts... I see that I have two choices in front of me... one I can go back to where I was or two I can move forward, there honestly is no standing still. Since I know exactly what is back where I was, that is no longer an option for me... so moving forward is all I have, it's all we ever really have... 

I am giving up the idea that there are limitations on where I am and what I am able to achieve, if I decide to make a change and really put my mind to it, I am capable of achieving it ... it will take work but I am not afraid of putting in the hard work... I would be more afraid of not putting myself out there and conquering the trials that have been given to me... that would mean I was going backwards and not growing. That is unacceptable to me... For today and going forward it is full steam ahead and 'No More Excuses'.

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Overcoming Self Sabotage

It took me a bit to find the time to blog this last week, I have been thinking about some things I need to change... also I needed to give an update of my weight loss journey.  The last week and a half has been awful food wise, I did start to exercise daily, that felt great... I only walked about 6 miles but that is 6 miles more than I did the week before.

Anyhow, the food thing bothered me, I have had incredible control over what I ate in the past year and the last little while it was like I had given into food again. So I took a very hard look at myself and asked myself questions, why was I sabotaging all my hard work? I thought about it for a few days and I realized I was a little afraid of succeeding.  I know, silly right?  However; losing the weight has brought up a few things.

What I ended up telling myself is that I worked very hard for the last year of my life and I am not going to let a little rejection push me back to food again.  I have decided that when or if it happens in the future that I am going to find another way to deal with it. Something changed with me immediately, like a light flicked on , I started walking more and I am eating within my calorie limit... I feel good.  I am making the decision now to do this tomorrow and the next day. 

The hardest part of getting over the addiction or issues we all have is getting past the disappointment we feel with ourselves for failing from time to time.  The successful person and I plan to be one of them, doesn't let anything have her wallow for any length of time.  Frankly if I can handle losing 'him' as my best friend yet continue to lose weight and get myself healthy, I can find another way to handle the let downs that happen in life. I am not going to let disappointment in myself allow me to fail, this is a life time goal.

I am grateful that I asked myself that question and that I really took the time to think about it. I've chosen to give myself that break that I am more than willing to give to other people.  I feel like that day I first started last year, I was focused, I had a goal and nothing took my eye off it... I feel like that now.  I took my focus off the goal but I have it back.  It really is just making a decision and not letting anything get in the way... not even self sabotage.

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Better Than The Day Before

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I spent two hours typing in the other blog yesterday and the day before, it is amazing what comes out of you when you just say what you feel no matter what, the only person that can judge you is yourself and I have come too far to judge myself that harshly.  I have made many mistakes over the years, some of them had bigger consequences depending on the incident.  What I came away with after I had written as much as I could write, was that although I have made mistakes, I have grown... lately I have grown in leaps and bounds.

No matter how difficult things are going in my life and currently they are not great... I see that I have a determination and commitment that I have never really had before.  I love that I am still so focused... I have a goal to get to for my weight and a goal to become the best me... Frankly the old me would have thrown the towel in and just gone to town with the food, not caring, just numbing myself.  I don't want to do that anymore, I always want to be cognizant of what I am eating...

When I say things are not great lately, I mean they are just so up in the air... I feel like I am just tying to get my feet under me but another thing comes along to add to the pile.  I have some great things happening, I am still losing weight and this week I didn't even put the effort in other than the food part which I followed.  I still managed to lose 1.6 pounds with minimal exercise... I can just imagine what I would have lost if I had put in the effort... Next week I am going exercise since I miss it so much, it is such a great way to get rid of tension... it is a good place to work things out.

I think writing the last few nights have helped me to see a couple of my issues in another light, frankly I have been overwhelmed by a few things which affects other areas of my life.  After writing last night I knew that when I exercised even when I felt this way, I would always feel better for putting forth the effort.  This last week I have had one thing come up after another so I wasn't able to make it out to the gym, those were only excuses though.  I didn't put the effort in, I should have bypassed some of those and just did it... I have that fire back inside.  I am looking forward into getting in some form of exercise tomorrow.

I planned to walk at lunch today but it poured rain, so I will attempt this all again tomorrow.  I am not giving up on myself, I am not sliding backwards.  Life may have just thrown me a dozen loops or more but I am not giving into the stress and allowing myself to ever go back.  I want better, I want more... I deserve more.  My body misses exercise, I miss pushing myself beyond my limits... I remember wondering how people could walk a mile in under 15 minutes... now I do it all the time.  Especially when I am pushing myself, it feels good to get out and get rid of some stress along the way.

I was thinking, I need a friendly little contest or competition, since I am highly competitive it would get me out exercising again.  I will have to come up with some idea in the next day or so, it would be fun to complete again.   I could be at my goal weight for January, the latest February... I am getting excited, I can hardly wait to see how I look when I get there and see how I feel.  Already I feel amazing losing 61 and half pounds and all in five months... I can just imagine how much better I will be feeling once the other 20-25 pounds is gone. 

Time for me to exhale again... I have been holding my breath waiting for the next awful thing to happen... tonight I am going to look for the next good thing and I am going to make good things happen.  I am not going to be defined by my past, I have moved away from that, I have made changes and I have learned a lot of hard lessons.  I have lost a great deal, more than I thought I could handle... I am still here though, still wanting to be better than the day before, isn't that all we can do...

Excuses Or Solutions

So, the past two days have been good with getting cleaned and organized.  The living room and the kitchen both look very good... all cleaned, mopped and de-cluttered.  Tonight I am going to complete my room and the bathroom, so that I can get groceries on Friday and then tackle my sweet Valentina's room on Saturday.  I know that one is going to be scary, she has the large bedroom and neither one of us can barely walk around due to the papers and toys...  many people have told me to let her clean it, if I did that her room would never be cleaned... she would be way to overwhelmed.  What she needs is assistance to really purge so that the bedroom does not get out of control in the future.  I do believe that as she gets older she should be maintaining her own room but until she is a little older I will help her so that she will not become completely overwhelmed. 


Tomorrow is weigh in day, it will be 28 days of walking and eating healthy.  I definitely feel better, I don't get as tired or out of breath when I walk up a hill, I don't have to take a break, I can just walk from my home to the bridge which is two and a half miles and roughly 45 to 50 minutes. The next challenge for me is actually crossing the bridge to the bus station in Dartmouth and then taking the bus from there to work, that would add roughly another mile to my morning walk.  Although I am afraid of heights, I need to get passed this one so that I can continue to challenge myself with the walking. I don't want it to be easy, if it was I am sure it won't be helping me to tone up or lose weight.   I am also contemplating buying a bike in the Spring, I should most likely have 40-50 pounds taken off by that time and then I could bike around the city.  I know many people who bike all year, that will not be me... the winter and the rain are not a fun idea of traveling for me, nor are they safe.

Now if I can convince Valentina that biking is fun, that way we could bike together... some of my fondest memories of growing up was when my two sisters and I would go biking all over the city.  We used to have quite the escapades, once time we thought we would take the back entrance into Clayton Park (Fairview and Clayton Park are built on hills) we came face to face with a massive hill and not one of us were able to drive the whole way up, we learned to drive in from Fairview so that the incline was more gradual.  That would be a great hill to walk up, it would really challenge me, I might do that the next clear day... one where there is some wind.  I am continually tying to think of things that I can challenge myself with... The one think I really need to work on is strength training as I have the weakest upper body, I am taking things slowly with that though, I don't want to injure myself... I want to build muscle slowly and learn how to do these exercises properly.

I am also going to swim this year, I used to love it so much but as I became bigger... I felt less comfortable with it, so I am going to get past that fear and just go swimming for the love of swimming.  I am hoping by the time the winter hits, I will be so involved with many activities that I will find a way to keep it up, no matter how cold it is outside.  I also want to set a good example for Valentina so that exercising and eating properly will become second nature to her.  I just read on FaceBook or Instagram that someone I know was looking for tips on how to get in shape, she advised she didn't have time for the gym as she is a working mom... that used to be my excuse.  Now I make time, that is the only way anyone can get into shape and get healthy. Until we are willing to do what we need to do to get healthy, we will have excuses that will hold us back... I had excuses... until I stopped with the excuses and got moving, I continued to gain the weight and came up with more excuses.  I am the only one who can lose the weight, no one can do it for me... I had to just start and keep going... it is becoming second nature for me.  If I can make it a priority, anyone should be able to... I am a very busy girl with working, traveling back and forth, being a mama and blogging regularly.

I think I have been one of the best excuse makers I know, if someone made a suggestion on how I could make a change, I had an excuse why it wouldn't work.  By changing the way I ate and exercised in the past month... it has made me think about the other excuses I come up with... the one about being able to clean my house, it just wasn't a priority.  Once I decided that it was top priority it is now getting done, unfortunately it is as simple as that... I am a girl that has looked for excuses all my life so that I could get away with my choices and behavior, now I am a girl is constantly coming up with solutions.  Which girl or guy do you want to be... the one with excuses or the one with solutions?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning The Light On My Pain

I read  a blog called scribbles from the ether that touched me today, Katie the author of the blog had left a sweet comment on mine, I always reciprocate and read the persons blog... and leave a comment thanking them.  I was drawn in immediately with her candid and open honesty... I connect well with people like that as I am the same way.  The last paragraph resonated with me, it gave me an answer to some issues I have been dealing with.  I have what she called an abusive relationship, hers is anorexia... how she used to feel it was her twin but how she now saw that no matter how much she might love her twin, she could see it as being much more abusive than helpful now that she is going through recovery.

She is right that the light or the good feelings that you get from the abusive relationship you are in (drinking, drugs, food... etc) end up being slivers compared to the pain and damage these relationships actually end up bringing.  I never really thought about it this way but her post clicked with me, I understood more that anything I do to myself to make me feel better and actually ends up hurting me more in the long run... needs to be eliminated from my life.  The small amount of good feelings that come from attempts at making myself happy through these things are just not worth it anymore. 

I know I am not writing it nearly as eloquently as she did, Katie was just being truthful about her addiction with anorexia and how she keeps herself from going back down that road daily... she remembers that although it felt good to have control, the side effects were not worth it ultimately. It doesn't start out that way, it starts out feeling good most of the time but than it slowly feels less and less good... That is the way it is with many addictions we hold onto in life, mine is overeating... or more precisely eating the wrong things...

I want to be on the healing side of that addiction, the first step is seeing that although the food I eat may be tasty and might bring me comfort at the time.... it ends up being a burden carrying the extra weight around, that doesn't feel good at all.  I have to have a relationship with food but I need to get into the healthy side of that one... I needed to read what she wrote because it turned a light on inside me that I am looking forward to keeping turned on more often today and in the future....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Comfort Zone Is Going

I had a bit of a frustrating evening, I have been without a working stove for a little over two months... yes you read that correctly... there were a ton of issues as the old stove was hard wired and the landlord had to find an electrician to install a plug.  Long story short, it has finally been installed, so what was to be a great evening as I was planning on actually making a meal since I have been using a microwave/crock pot/electric frying pan will have to wait another night.

I am highly disappointed that it would take that great length of time to complete this job... I am positive if it had been his stove, it would have been replaced the next day.  Anyhow, I have been feeling like it is time for me to move within the next year... now I am going to... I cannot continue to live in an apartment where the landlord would leave me without a stove for that length of time, it was truly uncalled for. I am going to look for a three bedroom apartment located closer to Valentina's school, as my place of work is talking about being able to work from home.

I would LOVE that, I could walk Valentina to school before I started, than I could just have someone pick her up after school for about two hours.  We would end up having an extra three hours together each day, we could go out and do things as five pm isn't too late to go out with your child... seven pm is... So, I am taking this as a push to get me to the next place, since I will need a third bedroom to use as a dedicated office.  It will be nice to have one, where I can shut the door after work and separate those two parts of my life.

Once I have this ability to work from home, I am sure the quality of my life will go way up, that is an extra three hours per day, I can exercise, read, clean, cook... can you tell how elated I am with the thought of having this much extra time per day, an extra fifteen hours per week.  All I can say is bring on working from home, I hope they pilot that soon.  Until then I still want to move to something better, it means really following a strict budget, which I am not all that good at anymore but this might get me back into the habit.

I will be spending the next few months downsizing more, the less stuff the better, I cannot stand the clutter... it's my little Valentina that likes to hold on to objects.  I used to when I was younger but the older I got the less I am attached to my things... I really could care less, I have gratitude for the items I have but I am not emotionally attached to them.

I have known for sometime that I should move, I need a neighborhood that has children in it so that Valentina can go out and play.  She goes outside here but she really has no one to play with other that the girls on the next street and they are not out that often.  I should have been planning this move last year but I was comfortable, I didn't want to listen to the promptings, I need to start going with them and not ignoring them because I am comfortable.

I am going outside my comfort zone in a lot of ways... I don't mind saying that I am a little excited and a lot scared....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Your Behavior Doesn't Dictate My Behavior

I had a wonderful morning with Valentina... we went to the playground (unfortunately it was too cold), then we decided to window shop a little... it was good to just spend the morning together.

The afternoon was much lazier, I spent the time cleaning but mostly relaxing... I feel rejuvenated after having the six days off.  I really needed the time and I was able to spend most of the time with my Valentina.

We were able to get in about a thirty minute walk today... I've been working on getting at least thirty minutes in each day... it's not easy as I have so many excuses that I have to get passed. I wish I didn't have so many but I plan to push through them all.

My sister and I were chatting this morning and discussing our upbringing with Ruth ... she brought up the fact that Ruth was abused as a child.  When I reminded her that although the three of us had been physically abused by Ruth... not one of us abused our own children.

We have the ability to change how we were brought up... frankly we knew that Ruth was wrong and we all knew that we didn't want to repeat her terrible behavior.  Ruth was weak... she still is because she can't admit that she was wrong to treat us as she did. 

She will have to live with her behavior and she alone will have to answer for her treatment of us... I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about when or how she will be dealt with... I'm just thankful I'm not her.  I have my own things to deal with... as we all do... as much as I feel that I have the right to judge Ruth, I don't though... I only need to worry about my own actions. 

When I release myself from judging Ruth or anyone else, it takes a lot of stress out of my life.  I know that some people have the need to see other people pay for their behavior, I have no desire for any of this.  I don't want her or anyone else to dictate my happiness ...  I like that little bit of freedom that I have, these people cannot affect my life anymore...

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Starting Over

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.”   Nicole Sobon

I heard this quote at the end of a show I watched a couple of nights ago and I was looking for the author before I could write about it.  I finally found the author on Good Reads and liked it there immediately. I liked this quote because learning to start over is so much harder than letting go.  I am grateful that there is an acknowledgement of this in this quote

I am fabulous at holding on, I am very tenacious... I rarely let go because I often wonder if I can make the next dream I have even better than the last.  What if nothing else ever measured up to the dream you're trying to let go of?  What if there is only mediocrity?   I have to remind myself that I am anything if mediocre... I highly doubt that anything I was involved with would be boring. 

I want someone who can l laugh just as much as I do, I think if you have a lot of laughter in your relationship then you are better able to handle the lows that inevitably come along.  I think after being with Andrey who had absolutely NO sense of humor that I would be unwilling to settle for anything but the complete opposite. Having a sense of humor is a deal breaker for me, plus I think it keeps you young.  

I have been seeing the other side of learning to start over and although I know it is going to be difficult, I plan to start over.  I have set some of the ideas into motion, the plan to get healthy, the plan to move up in my career and then hopefully I allow myself to start over and find love.  I seriously wouldn't want to see myself alone, I have too much to offer and I am a lot of fun.  Sometimes I wish I had learned the art of letting go, like some people I see...  I don't know how they do it so easily but I would love to learn that some day. 

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥
  

Finding The Purpose Of Me

Before I went in to the hospital in January, I watched an Oprah Life Class (yes, I am huge fan) where she had Rick Warren on who wrote the book The Purpose Drive Life. I finally had a chance to pick up the book and I started to read  it last night.  It has a 40 day challenge where I will be reading one chapter per day for 40 days.  They are not particularly long chapters but there is a lot of thought that goes into each chapter. What I have planned to do is start this on Sunday, I will read the chapter, post the question and then give my answer to the question in my blog post. 

It won't be the only thing I blog about but I think this journey of 40 days that I am taking should be documented in someway.  I am sure I will have epiphanies as I go through each chapter and questioning some of my thought patterns. I want to find my purpose, get my life somewhat on track... I know I am not here to amass things, although nice... things do not fill me up.  If I can find my purpose, maybe I can find joy on a more constant basis. 

I have often heard the phrase that we are not given more than we can handle, which believe me... I question this when I am going through a particularly rough time. I don't handle all challenges well, I have been known to yell when I am tired of handling something difficult.  I feel guilty later when I know that other people are dealing with so much more on their plates than I am.  I am reminded daily though that I have been given challenges that I can and will overcome... I was not meant to fail, I was meant to succeed.  We were all meant to succeed, I think that is what we are afraid of more than anything else, succeeding.

When you succeed, people expect more... when I say people, I really mean me.  If I don't succeed, than not very much is expected from me... Except I know better, I expect better.... and mostly I deserve better. I am really looking forward to this journey for me, I read the first chapter but I am going to reread it on Sunday and start it more seriously then.  I think giving 40 days to really ponder, challenge and question myself to figure out my purpose is not a lot to ask of me. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Take A Deep Breath

So, such an emotional day... you know those days that kind of knock the breath out of you.  Nothing dire like an accident, a loss of a job or such... just a day that make you feel so many of your feelings that you begin to be overwhelmed by them.  I have had nothing but time to think for this past two weeks while I had surgery and was in the hospital... now home thankfully; this time to think brings you to a new awareness of yourself.

At least for me it did... I had nothing to mask it... no getting up and prepared for work, traveling there, handling clients inquiries, getting home... over eating, depriving my body sleep... the numerous things we all do to zone out... not deal... just let life take over.  Well I don't have those things, when my body is tired... it just knocks me out, I don't have a lot of energy yet... so I spend a lot of time just resting and thinking.

I have been working on some things I need to deal with and I thought I was getting to a good point... I have been working very hard to get there but then today, just out of the blue... someone felt the need to share something with me that they knew would hurt me even though I was incredibly happy for them... I know this sounds odd... I'm not ready to explain the full incident, just that I was completely overwhelmed by the situation... the first thing I thought of was what could I do to avert those painful feelings.

 Anything... I just didn't want to feel, it's those overwhelming feelings that we all eventually have to deal with head on if we are to ever move on.  This is one of those, I am going to lay out my requirements and sit back and let things play out as they were meant to play out.  I will deal with the fall out, no matter the outcome.   I think this is the only way I can get through this challenge... otherwise I will return to old methods to get me through each day and that is not living.  That's when you forget to breathe after having your breath knocked out of you... we just have to take a deep breath and move forward...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Hold On One Minute More, It Is There That You Will Succeed

I spent yesterday keeping up with my housework (not fun), I bought groceries (very much needed) and I went through all my favorite blogs and I got caught up (that was fun and interesting).   I even went into all my blogs and the one's that had the option to email me when a new post was ready, I enabled that feature. I'll be able to read them throughout the day, instead of saving them up for the evening/morning/weekend.

I wish everyone had the email option, it would make reading and commenting on blogs SO much easier for me.  Oh well, this bit will help me for now.

I always feel so uplifted and rejuvenated after I have caught up with my favorite blogs, each one has different thoughts and ideas that I always learn something from.  When I gain inspiration from another blogger, I always put that persons name and blog in my post. I want everyone to know where I was inspired from and by who.

I like to promote people who inspire me and make me think.  I was going to write a post yesterday as I was inspired but time got away from me and since I am working at keeping my house organized, I have to do what I can to keep it up. Also, I was a little weepy and I didn't want that to come through my blog.

I've been attempting to keep myself positive and uplifted.  It's not always easy but I keep doing it until I feel it.  Kind of like that saying, fake it till you make it.  Eventually, I will be my positive happy self, more in line with who I am and who I want to be.

                                             
My 'D' will be home soon (in Alberta of course) and I really missed him, it hasn't even been two weeks.  I don't know what I'm going to do when he goes on exercise in January for a month.  A month is a really long time with no contact, I'll have to write emails weekly just so I can get out what I need to say. 

These past couple of days have been difficult as I'm dealing with something.  I want to be successful and overcome anything that pulls me down or pulls me back from being the best me that I can be.  It's not always easy but I hold onto the fact that it will be worth it. I can overcome anything I put my mind to, I will be strong!

Thank you everyone for the positive thoughts and prayers, they are all very much appreciated.  I am succeeding day by day, overcoming what I need to with the help of everyone:)

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Indifference

Well, I'm not melancholy or sad anymore, I'm feeling a bit indifferent at the moment.  That is not me, it takes a lot to get me in that mood because I always try to be cheerful even when I'm sad, I constantly work on overcoming sad feelings I may have.

Right now I'm questioning everything I've ever known.  I am disappointed with myself, I really thought I knew better.  I mean have I not lived a life where I've never been settled.  From having to live with my abusive ex step mother Ruth, to being a single mom, to marrying Andrey who later raped me.

Where in that story could anyone see that I could still trust?  Why in the world would I want to or better yet how could I want to?  It boggles my mind that I could take those kinds of chances in the past.  Tonight I came to a realization where my eyes were opened and what I saw made me feel stupid.  I'm not saying I'm stupid, I'm not (this just made me feel that way).  I just don't like finding out that what I believed and what is real, are two different things.

How could anyone who professes to care for another human being, act one way than do things the opposite.  It doesn't make sense to me, I can't fathom a reason, this is why I'm becoming indifferent.  I don't even know what is real or true anymore?  What I lack now is trust in myself and trust in other people.

I need to talk to David, really talk to him; he always centers me and talks straight to me.  I need some of that open talk where he helps me figure things out.  He's so busy right now, he has a huge exercise that he is preparing for and than he will be gone for a couple of weeks. I don't want to wait for almost a month to talk to him, I need to get out of this mood, the sooner the better.

Anyway, last night has given me lots to think about and decisions to make. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Want To Believe...

Everyday is much the same, I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I blog and then I attempt to sleep.  I've been working hard to motivate myself to do other things, I really need to sleep.  I try to fill my mind with anything so I don't have to think, maybe I could sleep.

Nothing changes, I remain the same and still I can't sleep.  My mind goes over and over every detail, every thought.  I'm still the lost little girl I've been for years, I tried to fix her, make her better but sometimes you can't fix broken things.

I wonder about precise incidents in my life, wishing somehow they could be different, maybe I wouldn't be so damaged, maybe I was damaged long before... what is my purpose?  I need to know, I need to understand.

No one has answers, people tell me to hold on, the good is near... really?  Where?  Every time I've tricked myself into believing there is good for me, I'm hurt, why do I work so hard to make myself believe? 

I don't expect life to be a walk in the park with no challenges but really can't something work out to make it worth all the trials?  It's not that I don't see blessings, there are many.  Maybe I'm not thankful enough.  

That's not true though, I'm very thankful and I always try to see the good, even when it's buried so deep, I sometimes have to dig it out.  I'm lost...  wondering if I'll ever truly find my way.

There has to be a way, right?  I used to believe there was always a light.  It's been so long since I've seen it that I am beginning to think I fabricated it in my past.  Maybe we see what we want to see, maybe our hearts could handle no less.

I just want to believe again, believe in myself, believe in love, believe in friendship...  Will I ever?  Maybe then I could sleep...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield