I Am A Survivor

I have been wanting to write a lot but my sweet kitty of  10 years was diagnosed with renal failure, when I lost her, my home felt very empty, I was dealing with the loss of her, she was more my cat than anyone else's, she was like my shadow .... a couple of weeks later I found my sweet black kitten Oreo, he lights my life up and makes me smile.  He has so much energy, I knew he needed a friend to keep him company and within two weeks I found my grey cat Chai who needed a new home. The two of them have kept me busy when I wasn't working, it takes time to integrate two kitties together and have them both feel comfortable. Chai is still finding his place even though he is more mature... Oreo really is a boss... he's not afraid of anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down and watched the story of Elizabeth Smart, I was in complete awe of her special spirit... it made me look back on my life and the numerous trials I have dealt with. I never compare the types of trials we deal within life as I feel all trials are there for us to grow, become stronger and to become a better version of ourselves. I also know life is a series of challenges that we work to overcome, some easy, some extremely difficult... I have always said and believed that it isn't the amount or difficulties of the trials that we deal with, it is how we deal with them.

 

After watching Elizabeth Smart and hearing about the many horrendous trials she dealt with after she was kidnapped at such a young age of 14, she never thought of suicide but she thought it might be better if she died at times... but she had a strong will/desire to live and she did. She doesn't hold on to the hate or anger that would be so easy to do.. She realized at a very young age that holding on to the bad only hurt her. She seriously seems happy, she was able to marry and have two children... Today she gives back to other people by speaking out about what she dealt with and showing others it is possible to not just survive but thrive and be happy.

I realized that although I want to handle my trials in a better manner, I often don't... I think many times, why me? Haven't I dealt with enough? But life isn't about having everything perfect and wonderful because I have dealt with endless trials... it means I need to take the time to figure out what I can learn from each trial, how I can grow so that when the next challenge comes a long I will be more ready to handle it, I will be able to figure out the lesson quicker and have the time to enjoy the quiet in between.

Life is about finding the joy, whether in between the trials or even during the trials... I know many people will wonder how we can find the joy while we are handling a trial that seems insurmountable, however; the truth is that more often than not we get through and after dealing with it, we discover there was something we needed to acquire from the test. I also know there are a great deal of people who will question why anyone would have to deal with certain trials... the thing for me is that when I read or see how someone came through a trial that was beyond what I could imagine... I know if these people have the strength to get through them, I believe that I can survive mine and even grow stronger from them.

I'm a survivor, I never give up... even when it feels beyond hope, a way is always made. However; I acknowledge that being a survivor is good, what 's even better is that I find the good in whatever trial is dealt to me... Then I will be a warrior survivor...

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Backwards Then Forwards

So, it's been two weeks since I was given the opportunity to work from home and I have to say I am loving it. When I get a call near the end of my shift, I relax... I am not tense thinking about how I need to get to the bus stop. It has changed my mood greatly, I don't even think I knew how much it would alter my mood until I was finally working from home. I have been getting up each morning, making breakfast for Valentina and talking with her before she leaves for school... then when she arrives home after school we talk about her day. It has been so good not to feel pushed for time or to feel exhausted after a long day. 

This year is fast coming to a close, if I am being honest, I have to admit it has been a very difficult year... from being injured and unable to exercise the way I like or need...  to gaining the weight back that I worked so hard to take off and keep off... to dealing with depression and having to work through it . Thankfully I no longer have the commute which makes that part of my life easier, I am looking into new ideas to get my health back on track, now that I have the time. I'm also grateful to have made a new friend this year who is great to talk with and hang out together.

This weekend I am going to decorate my tree, my friend was kind enough to set it up and put the lights on... the difficult parts. She really shaped it nicely, I am looking forward to seeing how it turns out once I have completed it... I still have shopping to do, thankfully it's only for Valentina now, she keeps changing her list, she better get it finished so that I can get out and buy some of them. I have taped all my favorite Christmas shows, I am enjoying getting into the spirit of the season, all I will be needing is to get my holiday music started. 

I have been reading many blogs and it seems that there is a theme going around, one that I too have been thinking a great deal about... this year has flown, most of it I have not had the best attitude, I'm a little disappointed in myself as I believe it isn't about the challenges we are given so much as how we deal with them. Since I didn't have the greatest mindset, I feel that I missed out on the good things that were in front of me by wishing the year away being frustrated with the pain and endless waiting to work from home. 

Here's the lesson I learned, I need to remember that even when I am going through hard times, they aren't forever... even though it sometimes feels like it will never pass.  I have to slow down, listen and start looking for the blessings... they are there, it's a matter of where I put my focus. It's true that if you look for the negative you will find it, so I am regrouping and looking for the good. The trials come no matter what... so I don't need to look for them. It baffles me that I have to continually learn this lesson over and over... 

I am reminded that although I feel like I go backwards at times, I usually end up moving ahead  further once I have learned what I need to learn... I have not been present in my life this year, I have started being more present and I am going to take that into 2017. I am hoping by living in the moment that when those tests come along and they will, I want to remember that they won't last, so I won't waste energy being frustrated with them. I may take steps backwards but I will always step forward again...

 

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Time For Me To Learn The Lesson

Before I start to write my thoughts today, I want to thank each of your for the kind and honest comments over the years. I have been incredibly grateful for having this form to get my thoughts out, whether they have been daily or weekly... whatever it was that I needed at the time. I love the blog community I am in, so much so that I have a great desire to meet so many of you... I believe one day that will be possible.

Saying all this... I have been thinking about not writing here, at least not where I publish it for anyone to read for a while. Why? Well when I started this blog in 2009 it was to deal with the aftermath of being raped by my ex husband, I had lost my voice in that relationship and I needed to write what I was feeling inside. I had changed a great deal in my marriage... I tolerated behavior that today I would never accept.  I didn't write a great deal for the first three years...my blog was more of a personal diary that a few people read which I didn't promote. It helped me just to get my thoughts out... then my life took a huge turn at the end on 2011.

David, the man I'd always had a crush on became interested in me, I was over the moon... I cannot begin to explain how joyful I felt. I had a permanent smile and I believed in us, there was no doubt in my mind that we were going to be together. We had even discussed marriage, he came home for Christmas and it was amazing. However, he went home and in the new year he had a change of heart and I started writing almost daily to be able to handle the pain of losing us. It helped and I was working through a lot of the emotions, I had even got my head wrapped around eating healthy and exercising... I began to change my life for the good in the Summer of 2013.

Then that fateful day in September 2013 happened and I was changed permanently. I stopped sleeping and depression took over, I wondered if I would ever feel good or believe in anything again. I exercised even more... I started writing weekly and I found it was what I needed and all that I had time for... I came through most of that pain and found a way to move on... they were two of the most tumultuous years I had ever had to deal with... pain brings a growth that nothing else can.

Lately I wonder why I've continued to write? I'm not even sure I have the answer... part of me thought it was helping me but then I realized last week that I've been recycling my thoughts and not really learning from them, isn't that what writing a personal blog is about? Learning and then changing? I know that sometimes we learn a concept and a year later, we learn more about that concept. However; I feel like I am relearning the same concept over and over... 

I am going to take some time, real time to decide if I want to continue writing here, if I feel like writing can change me for the better I will be back. Until then I will continue to write for me because I need that... if any of you want to stay in contact with me, feel free to add yourself to my Facebook Launna Krivousov - Twitter @LaWannish - Instagram @launnak or Google+ Launna Krivousov. I love staying connected through social media. Also, although I will miss all your blogs I am taking time away from them too... I need to make some changes in my personal life as I have been feeling like I was spiraling out of control... I need to focus on me and Valentina... and hopefully learn the lesson...

I do know that I will be back to read and follow your blog posts after I have taken some time to get my life under control, I will miss you all a great deal, especially all of you who leave me such beautiful and heartfelt comments.

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Rising Above The Pain

I had a dream last week that was unnerving... one because I actually dreamed (I rarely sleep long enough to get to the dream stage), two because I woke up twice and went back to the same dream and third it wasn't a pleasant dream... yet I learned something that really made me think... which then had me considering all the trials and challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I actually felt different about them.

I think many times after getting through a trial where I am finally able to breathe and have gratitude that it is over... I never really looking at what it might have been teaching me, never really seeing the good that may have come from it... just knowing it made me stronger. The dream made me think of the worst possible scenario that could happen in my life, hence why I wasn't thrilled that I kept going back it...

The next day I was watching a program on TV that had two people who had gone through a great loss, much like the one I had dreamed of... the first person could not get passed it, they were angry and said that although they had gone on with their lives, they were sure that it would always leave a dark cloud over them... The second person suffered a huge loss too but they chose to look for the good and became the best person they could, they went on to do wonderful things with their life.

I cannot judge the first person as I am not her and I did not go through what she did but it made me think of the many difficult trials that I have dealt with and what I had learned from each of them... If my life had been different and some of them had not happened, I would not be who I am today... I would not have learned some very important lessons. What I learned from that dream was that no matter what trial or challenge befalls me, I have to get up and never give up. 

Which then made me think of how I lost 'him' out of my life and where I would be if I had not... I began to think how I took the pain I had from losing 'him' and put it into exercising with my whole heart. Every time I would feel any sadness I would go out for a walk ... I became healthier than I have ever been, If I had not lost 'him' the way I did I probably wouldn't have kept up with it when I got close to my goal as I never did before, this time was different ...

I have seen two people go through the same awful trial, one rose above it and found their purpose, the other one lived in their sadness and never grew... Yes we have all had unthinkable challenges that we could continually question 'Why me'? ... No matter what it is, someone else has gone through it and rose above it... Regardless of what the pain is, it is teaching us something we need to learn... I had to decide to learn the lesson so that I can rise above the pain...

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Life Is About Doing And Not Portraying

I know it's been awhile since I have written, it's not that I haven't wanted to write, it has been a time issue. I have stepped up my exercise, this month I have over 133 miles logged so far... also, I spoke of strength training the last time I wrote, hopefully I will be starting that this week... I am working on getting together with the lady who will be giving me some pointers. The last thing I want to do is injure myself by doing it incorrectly, so I will be waiting before I start.

Also, my mood has changed a great deal in the past two weeks... it happened almost overnight... I'm not as melancholy as I have been, which isn't to say that I am overly joyous by any means either... I don't know how to even explain my mood... maybe it's come with all the exercising and focus I have put there, maybe I've come to a point of change finally... All I know is that I have not had any major lows but neither have I had any major highs... At the moment, this is what I need ... I have a lot of anniversary dates coming up that I was not sure how I was going to cope with... Today I feel like I will be able to deal with them... 

Since I last wrote, I was able to lose a little over 4 pounds which was great from all the hard work I have put in... I never want the numbers on the scale to rule me, as that is not what my journey is about... it is about becoming healthier and stronger. As I have stated before I will never be really tiny as I don't want to be, I want to be able to be the best me with exercising and eating nutritious food. I want to do what I say ... instead of saying things I wish and then not doing them. Too many people I know say they want to make changes and then never do anything about it, that was me in the past but I no longer want to be like this.

That is when real change happens, when we really decide that we are important enough to put in the effort and time. When I changed my mindset in June 2013, I didn't do it for a week, a month or a year... I changed if for a lifetime. I fail from time to time as I am human but there is a part of me that will and can never go back to the girl I was before I made it important to look after myself physically ... I am grateful that switch was turned on then because I think that if I had not made those changes then, that all the challenges that came not long after would have buried me. 

I have often wondered why I had to deal with all the loss I did... lately I have come to see that it ultimately made me stronger by not relying on others to show me my worth. It has been one of the most difficult lessons I have ever learned in my life but one that I needed to go through. There were so many times that I thought I was not going to make it, that the pain and grief would be too much to take. However; I am getting through each day and I see my own worth which no one can take from me.

I think the biggest lesson I learned these past two years was that no matter how hard someone tried to take me down, they didn't succeed... I was and am stronger than they or I ever thought I was... Although I wondered for a very long time how someone could be so hurtful and still seem to have all that they desired, I came to learn that it just looked like it... I want to live an authentic life, that means I don't want to pretend everything is perfect when it's not... we all have ups and downs and trying to portray anything different ultimately only hurts ourselves...Life is about doing and not portraying....

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The Lessons Of Memory Lane

I wanted to quickly catch you up with my course, my mid term is in 11 days, so I probably won't be writing again until then unless I can carve out a little time and I may not be able to comment as much as I want. I really need to buckle down and study, this course is very important to me, it opens doors to my future and we all need options.

I have been thinking about what it takes to move on, it takes a huge shift on the inside that can be extremely painful at times. For me I know deep down that it is what I need to do to be able to move on. It's almost like going through the stages of grief, unfortunately it isn't like going from one step to the next, sometimes it is taking two steps back.

Most days I am on a great path and I am happy and grateful for that. I had a lot to come to terms with because promises that were made were broken. I went from a high that was almost unnatural (now that I look back) to a low that I had never seen before... I think I had a fairy tale image of things and people but since life is not a fairy tale, nor is it meant to be ... reality hit that I brushed away incidents with flimsy excuses.

The reason this all comes up is that I put a new app on my phone last month that I hesitated to add. However; I did... it's called Time hop, it collects all your data and shows you what you posted 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5 years ago each day from various social media. I know there are dates coming up that are not great reminders for me but I have enjoyed some really good memories too, so I decided it was worth the trip down memory lane.

Saying all this, I can see daily more clearly what I was unable to or refusing to see. I wasn't completely pleased as is usually the case, it is hard to see your mistakes or blindness to people or situations. It has taught me a great lesson though, people are rarely who they portray themselves to be but I also refuse to judge anyone by the people from my past.

I also believe that there are sweet, kind and honest men ... I won't accept less since I am willing to give the same and more. I didn't want to become that older woman who is bitter because she was hurt so deeply. Thankfully I am not a person that can be bitter or vindictive, that is just not how I am designed. I am the eternal optimist that believes anything is possible... some things just take a little more time.

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There's Not One Right Decision

I am on vacation for the next five days, I have packed a lot into those days... today was super busy with one errand after another. I did everything I had planned and tomorrow Valentina and I are going to get our hair done, she is getting peek a boo colors in the back. We are having a mommy daughter day and going to have make overs together. I am looking forward to that time with her, then I have to settle into studying. I am feeling ready though, once I made a decision, I relaxed.

Isn't that always the way it is, at least it is with me. I spend so much time weighing my options and wondering if I am making the 'right' decision... then once I do, I relax because the truth is, even if it isn't the 'right' decision, I can always change direction. I need to remember that more often... I am just wasting time with trying to make the 'right' decision. I usually take the right path, I may take the round about way but I always get there.

Sometimes I think I write about the same thing that I wrote about six months or a year ago. I go back and do a search and I find I have but once I read it I realize I have a whole different take on it now then I did at that time. Which reinforces to me the importance for me to continue to write down my challenges, failures and successes so that each time I may deal with that trial on a different level. I will be able to see just how far I have come.

For me if I don't write it down, in a year or so when I come up against a similar trial, I wouldn't be able to clearly recall how I dealt with it and how I overcame it. Before computers became the norm, I rarely wrote stories on paper because I could never keep up with my thoughts. I don't always keep up with them on the computer but at least I can type my words instead of writing ineligible sentences.

I am grateful for lessons, none of them being easy... some of them being so downright painful I wondered how I made it through them. I realized for me it was being able to write my stories out so that it gave me chance to see the solution. Often times it is the comments or messages that I have from you that have given me the answer... other times I will be reading a blog post that someone has written, it touches and inspires me.

I have something I need to say, this past year has been the most tumultuous year of my life. I had life changes that threw me for a loop where I wondered if I would ever recover from the feelings of sadness and despair. I honestly attest this blog and my readers really helped me to get through. I may have lost one of the most important persons ('him') from my life but I gained all of you who are there for me. I felt so lost and alone but when I wrote I had so many of you reaching out and offering friendship, thank you.

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The Bigger The Challenge, The Bigger The Gift

I just don't know how I can be so happy, yet so sad... how is that possible?  When I'm focused on eating healthy and exercising I seem to be able to keep things together.  It's after I curl up in bed and think about things that the tears come and I cry... I'm sad at these times.

I laid in bed last night... questioning the tears and the sadness... wondering how to get passed them all.  Usually I go for a walk/jog in the evening; I guess so that I can exhaust myself so I can sleep.  I skipped my walk last night so that I would be rested enough to finally walk across the bridge this morning.

In doing this I ended up laying here with all these thoughts in my head.... ones that made me cry.  I just don't understand how I can honestly be happy and motivated when it comes to living a healthy life.  I am so in the zone... I really have never been this focused on me and my health in this way.

Yet, I'm so incredibly sad, I can't even put it all into words... I don't even think there are enough words... I feel like the sadness could consume me if I let it and I have been doing everything possible to get through it.  The more I think about it the more I walk, for instance last night I cried myself to sleep, this morning I got up and I walked almost 4 miles, I made it over the bridge... I breathed deeply and I did not look over the side.  This was not enough for me, I came home and I had to go to church to meet with my Bishop.  I walked both ways... which was a little over 3 miles. 

 

I am exhausted, maybe I can sleep tonight and not cry myself to sleep... When I went to see my Bishop, it was with the intent to get myself together but as I talked to him, I begin to think I wasn't ready yet... I am not committed that way... I want to be, I just don't know if I can be... For now... I will continue to go to church and make those decisions later.  I have a lot on my plate right now, more than I have divulged here.  I may or may not write it all here in time... knowing me, I will... when the time is right.

Hopefully when I have a breakthrough and come to the other side... or at least when I feel strong enough... I will be able to talk about it all .  I often wonder if I will get through this challenge and look back and think it was difficult but it was exactly what I needed to get to the next level...  I think that is what the tough lessons are about, the ones I need to be the most grateful for... they are the ones that help us to grow the most.  It is like my exercising, the harder I work, the better the results... when I am first opting for a walk I think I won't go for too long and I will take small breaks but instead I push myself to continue and push hard... It is the only way I will see good results.

The bigger the challenge, the bigger the gift... it is just so hard to see it when I am going through the big challenge... I guess that is why we don't see the gift, we just have to persevere and the gift will eventually happen...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Life's A Lesson, Live It, Learn It, Love It

I ended up having a pretty good day with Valentina... I had wanted to go to the lake but found out they were closed due to the bacteria count... so, we ended up at an outdoor pool.  If it was up to Valentina, she would have swam all day but two hours was my limit of sitting around doing nothing and I needed to head home.  I'm glad we went downtown for a couple of hours, I even got in a short walk... I'm planning on a longer one tonight.

                                                           

I feel the need to walk, I have SO much going on in my mind and I just need to be able to clear my mind.  I wonder if that is even possible?  However; it does feel great to walk and push myself beyond what I think I am able to handle... plus all this exercise is amazingly good for me... I love how great I feel... One month ago I never would have believed I could walk this much and actually feel good.

I'm feeling a little melancholy... especially after what I wrote to my David last night... the ONLY way that came out through a text was because it was inside me...  He's been busy and we haven't had the time to talk like we normally do, which is hard for me as I save up all that I need to say to him and once we talk it spills out so fast I am hardly breathing.  Then I can sigh and take a deep breath... I need a good chat with my best friend.
                                                                              

Doesn't talking with your best friend help make things better?  Or at least give you a better perspective?  That's what my David does for me... he helps me to see things differently...  he makes me laugh.... although I have laughed lately, I haven't laughed the way I do with him... One of those silly, giggly laughs where I do nothing but smile...

I know this is going to sound silly... I'm looking forward to turning 50, which is in ten days.  My life is pretty good... not perfect but good (perfection does not exist)... I love that I have goals that I'm working towards... I am watching them all come to pass... one after the other.  I just have to continue to believe that everything will work out as it should.

I read this quote/saying on my friend Jaimie's Facebook page and wanted to share it... even if we have heard similar things often it is wonderful to be reminded of them, especially when times are a little rough: 

 Life isn't meant to be easy. It's meant to be lived. Sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.

Life's a lesson. Live it, learn it, love it

Even though life does not go my way as often as I would like it to... I need to be reminded that I am truly blessed... It's okay to be a little sad, a little reflective and a little melancholy at times... just as long as we don't wallow in it all the time...  That last line is very true... Life's a lesson, live it, learn it, love it....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Stop Minimizing My Feelings

I went to bed early last night before nine pm... I've been more tired than usual.  I think that comes from having so many things weighing on my mind.  It will be good to get some closure on some of these decisions. I didn't sleep well, I think it's because I've finally made a decision and now I have to wait.  I almost believe the waiting is worse than the decision.  I just want to get it over with... have you ever felt like that?

It seems like every other blog that I read today was about my decision... most of them made me cry.  They reminded me of what I'm giving up and how much I want it to be different... this is why I wish I could do it right now... before I change my mind again. 

Why do some changes in our lives have to be so painful?  I know there isn't an answer for that... it's basically a rhetorical question.  I want to understand why I have to feel like I am losing a part of myself, so that I can learn whatever lesson it is that I need to learn?  I know that other people are going through far more difficult things than I am going through right now... I know many of these people.  Because of this, I want to try to minimize my trials but I realized that even if my trials are no where near as difficult as what other people have to deal with, they are for me. 

So I have the right to be upset, apprehensive, nervous... etc.  What someone else is going through might not even affect me, that is why I am going through this trial and other people have different trials. What I learned in the last couple of days is that I need to stop measuring my trials against others and stop belittling myself for my feelings, I have a right to those emotions as we all do... I need to stop minimizing feelings.

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Gaining Strength Through Adversity

First I want to apologize but I had to put on the comment moderation due to the fact that there has been so much spam lately.  You just won't be able to see your comment immediately.  I also wanted to give you a quick update on my leg.  I am healing slowly... I have got out for two small walks... maybe 15 to 30 minutes, a bit exhausting for me but I am taking my time.

Wellness, ease, synchronicity, and tiny miracles are delicious indicators that I'm in tune with myself, my message, my purpose, and my innermost essence. ~ Dina Proctor

This quote touched me to the core, for this has been true in my life, when I am in tune with myself, I am peaceful with me.  Lately I have been going through something personal that I haven't talked about because I have decided to be as positive and uplifting that I can be on my blog.  So, I have been coping with this on my own, I am finding that although it is painful... I can see how it will be okay, eventually.

This is just a process that I have to go through so that I can be in tune with myself... to really understand my innermost essence.  It's because I can see that everything will work out the way it was meant to that I can get through this most painful time.  I am grateful that I know this will only be short term, this won't last.

One day I even hope to look back and see that I became stronger because of it and maybe I will even be able to smile... That is when we really learn the lesson and we stop making the same mistake over and over.  I still have many of those lessons to learn, I am taking them one at a time....

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all." ~ Walt Disney

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

How Lucky Was I?‏

 

I've been thinking about all the scary things I've done... like when I was 16 and got into a strangers car alone when I lived in Niagara Falls... I was lucky

Another time a friend and I got into a van with two guys... we drank with them and then went swimming in the middle of nowhere with them... I was lucky

There was a time I totally disrespected myself and allowed men into my home... while barely knowing them... I was lucky

Today I would never do these things again... I have learned my lesson... I was lucky

I often wonder how I made it to where I am today... I have read about and I have heard personal stories of people that have made much smaller mistakes or errors in judgement and have had events happen that were terrible and life altering...

How lucky was I?  It was all about disrespecting my self worth, not valuing myself... I value myself today... I want better for me.  If you could hear all the stories... I have led quite the life; certainly NOT proud of the path I have taken at times...  but it makes me realize how lucky I was...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥