Sleep To Dream

The past two days have been a little emotional for me, I think it is the lack of social contact, feeling trapped in my home and not feeling fully myself yet.  Whatever it is, I have been in a really funky mood, I am looking to change that around... the sooner the better.  Although I am not ready to go back to work, health wise... I kind of miss it.  Not the craziness of year end but the clients, my co workers... the feeling that I was productive.

Along with being out of sorts I have not slept.. really the longest I have slept is two and a half hours, I usually go back to sleep in about ten or fifteen minutes but regardless it is broken sleep.  I need to have at least five or six hours at one time at least occasionally.  Not sure how I am going to change that since one of reasons I don't sleep is because of peri-menopause...  I really think this should be talked about more with your daughters, no one ever explained how you can go from hot to cold on a dime and that you will never sleep through a full night on a regular basis, if at all.

Not to mention the hot flashes, where I can only explain it this way, your head feels like it is on fire which only spreads downwards... so nasty.  There are numerous unpleasant changes in our bodies that are not always easy to handle.  You know what I think is funny, the older I get... the more comfortable I get in my skin emotionally but physically I am starting to fall apart... oh well, that is life.

Also, I was talking to Andrea tonight and I asked her what she thought of the progress of my leg.  I have been sending her a picture here and there. I am glad I took the pictures as I can see what a huge improvement there has been.  It is like night and day when I look back from the beginning... I have only showed a handful of people the pictures as some of them may be  quite hard to handle.

So, I have taken a step towards some changes, not liking how uncomfortable I have been feeling with this change... probably not the best time to make a change since I haven't slept well for a month.  Another reason I have been emotional, especially when it is outside my comfort zone... I know that is the only way to grow but sometimes it is ridiculously uncomfortable.

I wasn't even sure I would post tonight because of how emotional I have been.  However; I know that writing helps me, it's my outlet...  I think that writing it down helps me to collect my thoughts better, so that I can be more clear when making decisions.  I just wish I had easier decisions but nothing is cut and dry, nothing is simple.  All of my options look equally difficult... I do have to figure out what's best for me.

Since I haven't slept well, I am turning everything off and seeing if I can get a good nights sleep... Maybe I can find an answer in my dreams.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

What You Believe, You Will Achieve

I saw this quote on Facebook today and it made me think of how tenacious I am... I am one of those people that when someone tells me it is impossible... that I find a way to make it happen.  I don't know if it is always a good thing but I don't give up until I am forced to do so.  I am not the most gracious when I have to give in or give up... usually it has nothing to do with things... it has to do with people.

I have long believed in the quote above, even when I was young and had never heard it... I always believed anything was possible if I wanted it bad enough.  I don't mean possessions...  although nice to have, it is never what I longed for....  What I desired was to travel the path I was meant to travel, no matter what other people thought.  I remember a time about four years ago that I KNEW I was meant to do something where everyone thought I had lost it... a small part of me started believing they were right but that tenacious part of me would NOT let me give in... I didn't give up, I succeeded in doing what I knew I was meant to do.

When I look back at those things that I achieved because I wouldn't give in... I am in awe of myself, more in awe that I would ever doubt what or where I should be... I know exactly what I am supposed to do and I know where I am supposed to be... Yet I continue to let other people's ideas cloud what I know... If I don't believe in my dreams, who will?  Just because things don't happen on a time line that I want, doesn't mean it won't happen... it just means I am not ready yet... I need to stop doubting myself, the truth is that when I want to achieve something in my life, I have always made it happen.

A little over six years ago, I was still living my ex Andrey... we were not together in any real sense, more for convenience.  What I mean by this is that when Andrey and I married in 2001, I ended up sponsoring him into Canada by 2003 when our marriage was at the very end and we separated not too long after.  However; since I had sponsored him, I was responsible for him for ten years.... since I was legally responsible for him, I allowed him to stay with me and take care of Valentina while I worked.  Of course this was not a good solution for either of us and in late 2007, I realized that he and I would not be able to continue on like this for another six years.

I started thinking, dreaming... there had to be a way out for me... within one week of this thought, a friend of mine who I had known for a couple of years told me her aunt worked for immigration... I was like what?  How could you not tell me?  It never crossed her mine, I had her check with her aunt to find out if I would have to finish out this commitment, or was there a way out?

My friend called me later in the day and told me that she found out the laws had changed, it wasn't a ten year commitment any longer, it was only three.  Can you understand how elated I was?  I was over the moon excited...  however; I wondered if it was retro active... Cindy called them for and lo and behold, my responsibility for him was done, had been done for over year.

I had that thought about how our circumstances had to change, there had to be a way... in one week a way was made.  Anything is possible... anything.  If you think that was just lucky, think again, that law of being responsible for someone for ten years when you sponsor them had been in effect for a very long time... a way was made for me to be free.  Nothing can hold me back but me and the same goes for everyone... only we hold ourselves back.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥