Life Is A Beautiful Struggle

Since I have been waiting to see the doctor, I have almost been in limbo... I know that she won't be able to figure out immediately what my issue is and truthfully I am frustrated. Part of me is fearful that it may take a long time for a diagnosis... if there is even one. I am trying to be positive and hopeful that she will be able to find a solution to my pain. The whole thing is depressing me, making me feel as if this is it and there might not be a way out.

I don't want to think like that but I know people who live with chronic pain... I have and I have had empathy for them, with a great deal of gratitude that it wasn't one of my trials. I couldn't imagine how they dealt with it, now that I have been dealing with it, it brings tears to my eyes... and I am saddened that many people have to handle such physical burdens. Once again life has intervened and thrown another wrench it to change it again.

I thought because I had to cope with one struggle after another and since I didn't end up with the dreams I had hoped for... I believed I deserved a life without debilitating trials, I wanted to travel in a few years. Once Valentina was grown up, I had nothing holding me here anymore... I figured maybe that was the way it was meant to be, I didn't believe that if I was with someone that I could travel to wherever I wanted to... whenever I wanted...

We don't always get what we think we deserve and life continues to give us trials ...  often they don't make sense until long after we get through them. I believe if I had the choice to take other paths in my life, knowing what I know now...  I wouldn't go down other paths. Truthfully if I was asked while I was going through them I would have run in another direction as quickly as possible... it only makes sense much later with deep reflection. I never did figure out why losing 'him' from my life was needed, I just ended up putting it on a back burner... otherwise, it would have destroyed me.

With my health deteriorating ... it has me questioning why? Not that there is an answer, it's just another challenge I have to cope with. I might sound a little selfish here but frankly, I don't want to go through this, for once I wanted one of my dreams to work out... I never took my health for granted, especially in the past couple of years where I worked so hard to be healthy, I felt blessed that I had put it all together at one time after many years.

One conclusion I have come to over and over but more now than ever, if there is something you want to do in your life, do it... don't wait. There will never be a good time, something will always come up. I often let everyday living take over, instead of seizing the opportunity... I do know that if I can get my health back on track, I won't be waiting for anything, I will just do the things I've dreamed of... hopefully, I will be given the opportunity to follow those dreams and more ...

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How About We Stop Pretending?

I know most of us put on persona's or facades, sometimes because we think that is what people want to see, others because we want to appear stronger than we might be... sometimes because we fear if we give into how we are really feeling behind the facade that we may always remain there. I am here today, taking the facade off... I am struggling in all parts of my life... not just slightly struggling but all out overwhelming struggles. Do I think I am the only one, not at all... however; I think we don't share it enough because we are sure people will either judge us or try to tell us to just think positively. 

There are times that thinking positively does not make things better... and no I don't think any of us should wallow in negativity, I agree we need to keep reaching and working on attaining a positive attitude. Yet, I think we also need to admit when we are feeling weak and possibly out of control. I actually don't think that it is weak to admit that... it is like people that are dealing with addictions, they need to be able to admit their weakness in the open so that they can gain strength from people . Often it is admitting their weaknesses that helps them to become strong in time. 

 

I have been struggling with every aspect of my life, there is no where that I am excelling... usually I have my writing that helps to elevate me... and in part it still does but... if I am not truthfully saying how I am feeling and what is really going on in my life... am I being authentic? That is not me, if anything I am extremely authentic but lately I haven't been, I have just been muddling through... thinking if I can just keep pushing forward I will get to a place that I don't feel so out of control... However; I just feel more and more overwhelmed. 

Before I go any further, I hope people can understand that no one really knows what is going on inside of someone. Just because everything looks okay on the outside doesn't mean it is... and just because things look good on the outside doesn't mean any of us has the right to make a judgement of that person. Since I have not been really speaking my truth, it has been spilling out to where it is now showing on the outside. Personally if I don't deal with my feelings by being open about them, they come out in other ways. I am sure we can all say the same thing... in no way do I feel that I am the only one. 

I can no longer sit here and say or pretend everything is okay, it isn't... I spoke about how I don't handle disappointment well... lately it keeps coming back to me about how my life is no where near what I had hoped it to be... I understand that often we have to give up what we thought we should be to become what we are supposed to become. I have given up a lot of those dreams and honestly nothing is replacing them. What am I working towards? Just working for another 15 plus years...? What is good about that? 

Plus I was injured again this week, it was a freak incident... I just put my foot down and I hyper extended my knee... I couldn't walk for days and even now that I can, I still feel tenderness and pain... my physio therapist says it will probably be 4-6 weeks before I am back to myself... yes I can walk again but nothing like what I could... I need to be able to walk, it is my stress reliever... I don't know what else to use right now... I feel like I am falling further, wondering if I will find a way to stop free falling ... ?

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Overcoming Trials With New Dreams

I never have a difficult time writing, usually I sit down and the words pour out of me, then I go back and fix up thoughts, add or delete things... this last week zapped my thoughts. It seemed like there had been one thing after another bringing me down.

First I'm overwhelmed at work, there is a great deal of changes happening... not all good, it's causing me a great deal of anxiety. Second I was walking and near the third mile I suddenly felt a pain... I thought all I would need to do was keep persevering ... then I injured it more. Third, with all the stress I've been out of control with my food.

I'm totally frustrated that everything seems like it is out of control... for the longest I time felt gratitude that I was able to exercise... I was feeling stronger and in control of my health. I kept thinking that no matter how many challenges or trials I have, I could walk the stress off. Then I injured myself and I am trying to figure out another way to de-stress, instead I am feeling completely overwhelmed... I hear myself saying Why me? Haven't I had enough challenges? Where is my break?

Then I feel guilty for thinking this way when I know there are many people without a job that would be grateful to have mine... there are people unable to walk, let alone exercise... and there are people going through bigger challenges than I am. Yet I felt despondent with having one stressful thing after another this past couple of weeks. I don't enjoy feeling this way. So, I started reading older blog posts that I had written and saw how far I have come, how much I've changed.

Although I don't feel excited about any of the trials I have, I do have hope that if I can get through ten years of child abuse, being a young single mother at eighteen, an emotionally abusive marriage, then being raped by Andrey... and losing David as my very best friend...

Surely I can deal with a stressful job, a physical injury and having to change the dreams I had for myself to different dreams. That's what life is about, making new and better dreams by overcoming trials...

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Letting Go Of One Dream To Find Another One

I have been holding back writing, I had a huge disappointment this week and I didn't want to come here and write from that place. Instead I walked another 50+ miles this week, over 100,000 steps and 11 hours of hard exercise. I know that I can't keep on this way, I need to figure out another way to deal with disappointment. So, 'the guy' called me this week to tell me he was taking job out West, just out of the blue. I honestly don't know what to think... I keep questioning why he would start a relationship if he had applied for a job so far away.

What I decided from all this was that I don't think I have what it takes emotionally to date. I don't understand games, I don't understand dishonesty... I just can't understand any of it. I don't know what this means long term for me but for now I won't let anyone into my life. It is much to hard to trust and find out they were not who they portrayed themselves to be. I really thought I had made myself clear with this guy, I thought we were both on the same page but he ended up being like every other man I have known. 

What did I learn from all this? I need to take a step back and just take care of myself, maybe just accept the fact that I may have to be single. I can't begin to tell you how much that sucks for me, we all want certain things and dreams for ourselves and unfortunately some of them never come to pass... Learning to deal with the disappointment might be the challenge I have to get through, accepting that my destiny doesn't include a long term love.

This has been a very emotional week for me, I have had a lot of time to think about what I really want. Things I don't want to hear is 'Maybe he wasn't the right guy but hold on the right guy will be there' or 'Don't give up, the right guy will be around the corner' or 'You deserve someone good' ... We all deserve to have the hopes and dreams we want, no one deserves it more than another person... Although I know I would be an amazing partner, I may never get that chance and I am going to have to learn to deal with that...

I am going to take the rest of this summer to continue to exercise and make some long term plans for my life. I have not been happy for a very long time, I need to find a way to have some joy in my life today. When I wrote last week that I had hope that I would have happiness in the future, many people reached out to me to say that happiness isn't in the future, it is something we should have now... others suggested that all I needed to do was choose it and that I could have it now...

I truly wish it was that easy, I think I have to figure out a way to get passed the disappointments I have had in my life and come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have the dream I have always wanted for my life. I think then I can move on and really find happiness and joy...

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I'm Making Memories, Not Just Dreaming

 

What a week I've had ... I started it out on a low and ended it on a high. I was pretty frustrated with how I was feeling and how I couldn't seem to change it... This week was a learning and growing week for me.  I've been talking with a guy, somebody I talked to a couple of years ago. I won't be discussing him openly if and until this becomes something more, even then I won't be gushing about how lucky I am over social media.

I don't need a man to make me happy... of course I want someone special to spend my life with but I can guarantee he will have to put the work in to prove he's serious. I want a real commitment, I'm not a teenager, I won't be endlessly dating, nor do I plan to live with any man until he figures out what he wants. Why? Because I'm a girl that has finally learned that I will not accept less.

What brought me to this point? Friends and acquaintances who were posting about how lucky they were to have so and so or stating how so and so loved them and how blessed they were because of this... I actually sat back and thought what? You know what I thought when I read these things? I felt sad for these women who seemed to think they had to thank the men they were with for loving them... my personal thought was, how about loving themselves first?

I say this because I was there before... I remember how lucky I felt that 'he' wanted to date me, I was over the moon... wow... I thought so little of myself. Today I'm in a much different place ... I had my eyes opened in the past year. My wish is that we all remember our worth and stop gushing about how lucky we are to have a man. We all deserve love and finding/having love doesn't make us luckier... posting about it endlessly makes us sound insecure. 

My life is pretty full with Valentina, work, exercise, blogging... the list is long. Although I have not ruled out love, I have to tell you that the guy that wins my heart will have to be pretty special... I want an equal partner, one that sees how incredibly special I am too... I plan to make memories, not just dream about what I want in my life...

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Soaring Higher Than My Dreams

I spent this week reflecting on the changes I have made and the ones I want to work on in the very near future... When I look at how far I have come, I am both surprised and grateful... Not that I didn't think I could make all the changes I have made because even though I fell many times I never stopped getting back up and believing in myself... I often wondered if I would just get out of my own way and allow myself to soar like I knew I could. 

 

For some reason I put my own road blocks up, I often become fearful of how much I can soar, how far I am really capable of actually going... I saw a little of that fear this week when I decided on a whim to go for a two mile walk and I realized I didn't have my headphones with me. I was tempted to go back and grab them but I only had a set amount of time so I decided to go without them. It was then that I understood how much I used the music so that I could zone out and not think... that was eye opening... for the 30 minutes I walked/jogged I had nothing to cover up my thoughts... I actually had to be present with myself...

I thought a lot about why I seemed to need sounds, like music or talking... why I didn't want the quiet.... The quiet allowed me to really think deeply about certain changes I needed and wanted to make but didn't seem willing to do as I was always finding excuses. One of them was how I want to meditate, I kept thinking about how I never have the time for this... I know I certainly do not want to get up any earlier than I already do but while I walked I remembered a time a couple of years ago where I kept talking about how I wanted to exercise and I wondered where I would find the time. 

Not even two years later I have seen that I just needed to shift my priorities and make the time for what is really important. I spend about 5-7 hours per week exercising and I don't feel like I am squeezing it in to my life, it is part of my life that I couldn't imagine not doing anymore. I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to push myself beyond what I thought I was capable of... and seeing that all the changes I often wondered were possible become a reality. 

So now, I need to make meditating a part of my life by just doing it... I had a quiet weekend where I was able to keep the noise level down which is not always possible with a tween in the household but if I want to make changes, true changes I need to find the way to make them happen. I am the only one who can make them happen, no one can do the work for me, no one can make those decisions for me... I am accountable to me...

Although I may stumble, I will not stay down or give up on myself... I have come too far to ever go back to where I was... I read a really wonderful blog this week from a woman I know personally... she has changed her life and lost a great deal of weight by making herself a priority... she talked about how she loved her 40+ year old body that was able to move even though she had spent many years being sedentary ... it made me think about how much I love my 51 year old body that I neglected for far too many years, yet it proves to me daily that it can change if I am willing to make the changes needed... 

Now I need to make the time for meditating the way I did for exercising... I know if I take the time to clear my mind through meditation, I can soar even higher than I ever dreamed...

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Opening My Eyes To The Bigger Picture

I have had a busy week of walking and preparing for Valentina's upcoming birthday, she will be twelve... where did the time go? It seemed as if it was only a few years ago she was a baby. I know it is cliche, the older I get the quicker time seems to fly by, I remember when I was in my twenties and thinking how far away my forties were... Those years came and went in a flash, I have been contemplating how aging seems to be speeding up as I get older and how I now treasure each moment in my life more....

I desperately wanted certain things in my life and I thought without them I could not be happy... all the things I wanted never materialized and for a long time I was extremely sad because of it... then this last year I began to think more clearly and realized that what I wanted was never enough... I had actually dreamed and wished too small... I wasn't thinking long term, I was thinking of just here and now.

So, although many of my dreams for myself haven't come to pass... it doesn't mean that there are not greater and better things in my future...I am thinking long term now, not just today... that was always my issue... I couldn't get passed thinking how if I had this or that... then I would be happy. Finally today I can say even if I don't get my hearts desire, I can be happy with that. Sure I will be melancholy from time to time, I am human but I can see the bigger picture now.

I have even given up on finding someone, frankly the men I have been meeting are not quality men. If there is someone for me, he will find me... if not I will be content on my own. For I don't want mediocre, I want that crazy insane love... I know we all want that but many of us settle for the safe love and honestly that is not enough for me. I deserve as we all do... that guy who will see how amazing I am and want to give the best of himself to me... otherwise it is just a waste of both of our time.

When I think about myself in my twenties, I was so impatient and so sure I knew what was best for me... I now know I had no clue what was good for me... I would have been so bored with my life if I had supposedly attained what I thought I wanted, even five years ago, I can see now that I thought I knew what was best for me... it took time and distance to realize that I would have been bored, stuck and unhappy...

My life is not meant to be lived small, it was and is meant for bigger things... Actually we are all meant for bigger things, the real question is are we willing to take the challenge and see that our own little dreams for ourselves are never big enough... Today I want to take that challenge, no matter how difficult it might be... although the risk is great the reward is more than I can imagine. I can finally see the bigger picture, it was always there... I just had to open my eyes.

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I Understand Why

This week seemed to be a turning point for me ... I started off great with the IF program I wrote about last week, I had a few small bumps when I had to deal with some upsetting news. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, I was left trying to get air in... the air of course came and so did the tears. Within a day I had said a heartfelt prayer and others joined in with me. By mid week the crises was over.

I decided that nothing mattered, not the past, not things... only people matter. I realized while dealing with this that all I wanted was for everything to be okay ... even if it meant that I might never regain things I had lost. Although that thought is sad, anytime you lose someone important, it's not easy to deal with... But... if it means they are happy, isn't that all that matters? I decided that was all that mattered to me.

I've been sleeping a bit better, actually dreaming even. Although some dreams are sad, it feels good to dream again. Some of them are good, some quite hopeful.. after this week of turmoil, I understood why some things worked out the way they did, if they had not, other things would not have been able happen ... and they needed to happen.

I couldn't see the big picture for a long time, when I did catch a glimpse of it this week... I was in awe of what was possible. I knew precisely at that moment that I had to go through the nine months of deep sadness that I went through so that I could be ready for what awaits me in the future.

It has changed my outlook on so many things, I'm not sure I can even put words to what I came to understand. This has been a refining and a defining week for me, I could have totally fallen apart but I didn't... and because I didn't I gained some insight I really needed to learn.  I understand a little better why....

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Light Will Shine Through The Dark

Monday was a rough day for many people after we learned that Robin Williams had not only died but he had taken his own life. Most of what I read was very respectful and emotional. I know from reading that there were people that thought he was selfish, I don't think that he was, I think he was in a lot of pain. I have been in that kind of pain... it's a sad place to be in. For me I am grateful I have a strong foundation that no matter how bad it gets, I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Not everyone knows that, not everyone can hold on until it shows up.

I know that this last challenge for me was harder than anything I have ever dealt with, for nine long months I held on because I knew somewhere along the line a light would show up and things would get better. It was probably the longest nine months of my life, each day I had to convince myself that life would get better, I would smile again and I would find joy. I never lost hope, there were days that it was incredibly hard but thankfully I did hold on and like it always does, the light showed up, I smile again and I feel joy.

I know I don't ever want to experience that pain again but I found out I was stronger than I ever believed. I wish other people that are suffering with depression find something that helps them to believe things will get better. Nothing is perfect, I still have a day here and there... the good thing now is that even a bad day has a light. I'm trying to write it all down so that when another rough patch comes, I can come back here and be reminded that life always gets better.

I always feel sad when someone is not able to hold on... I hope they are finally free on the other side. Nobody knows the pain others have had to deal with ... I wish people could be less judgmental and more understanding that a depressed person cannot just get over it and move on, sometimes it takes counseling and even medication. What's truly needed though is compassion ... I think we all could show a little more love towards one another, there would be more people holding on if we did...

I also came away with a great deal of gratitude that I had the tenacity to hold on and that I continued to believe that no matter how bad it was and it was heart wrenching pain... I made it through. I would like to think that with each challenge I have overcome, that I would be that much stronger to handle the next ones that may come along. Also, I have been sleeping for about a 5 hour stretch at a time, for the last 3 days, with the sleeping the dreams have followed...

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I Want It All

I was on a blog break, I haven't written anything... I have been good and going to bed by 9:30 or 10:00 at the latest.  No I am not sleeping with less interruptions but I am resting my body as much as possible.

I have had a lot of time to think, which is both good and difficult.  I get to ask myself the really hard questions, one of them being that I may never know the answers I am seeking... I have such a hard time understanding how something could be one way and in a flash it changes 180 degrees... it's almost like time was erased.

I am trying to date again, I just don't understand where the good and kind men are.  I keep attracting men that are so the opposite of what I want. I had someone tell me recently that I have too many tests a guy would have to pass.  I don't think I am putting tests out there for anyone but I need to know that the guy can carry on a conversation about important and funny things.  I need to feel a spark, that is what is most important to me... it's not even that I think being in a committed relationship would complete me... I am complete all my by myself.

It is that I long for that close relationship with someone, the one where I can just be myself. I want that kind of person who I can tell them anything and they can feel comfortable doing the same with me.  Someone non-judgmental, someone who can understand that I have come through a great deal in my life and I have gone down roads that were not always good for me but I always turned myself around.

I have been thinking about how I never valued myself enough because every warning was there and I refused to see it because I didn't want to see it that way.  I wanted to be right, all the little hmm thoughts... they all make sense after the fact. I now know that I value myself because if a man cannot excite me with some good conversation and with a little humor thrown it, he will never make it past that stage.  I couldn't spend my life talking about mundane things that don't matter.

I sometimes think I want too much but then I think, I'm worth it.  I definitely don't deserve to have some guy who cannot connect a sentence together or talk about sports all the time. I am willing to bring everything to the table in a relationship, holding back is what makes it fail.  Both people have to come to the relationship with that frame of mind.  Relationships are tough, there are going to be times where you will wonder what you saw in that person but the good and funny times will get you through.

Today I would never settle for any relationship that I did in the past... I didn't raise the bar high enough.  I lowered it because I thought I couldn't do better... that has changed... now if I could just find that guy I can banter with... travel with... share my dreams with... Love... I want it all.

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Setting The Record Straight

 

It's time for me to set the record straight once and for all... after this I won't discuss it again.  For reasons I won't go into he and I are no longer in contact, we
haven't been for quite sometime... Do I miss him? Yes... regardless if we were to never speak again, I will always consider him to be my best friend.

Next question that needs answering .... Do I want him back other than being friends? That would be no and it has been for a long time... as you all know I have dated, I will continue to date... I am looking for that kind, exciting, honest and sweet guy that will love me too.

Third, I can't believe this needs answering again as I blogged about it in the summer...  Did I lose the weight for him?  Let me make myself completely clear... I cannot lose weight for anyone but me, truthfully if I had tried to lose this weight for anyone but me, I would have failed...

I am not living in some fantasy world that he and I will ever be anything but friends, (if that).  I came up with new dreams since I needed to dream bigger... I thought it was wonderful that I was with him, now I want someone who feels that lucky to be with me.  Do I believe I deserve dreams... YES... I deserve to have all the dreams I have to come true... I will never stop dreaming, there are no limits. 

Final thought... Do I have good thoughts and memories of him?  Yes, I have good thoughts, I wish him only the best... I could never wish him less.  I want him to be happy, he seemed to be when I talked to him last. I'm happy about that.

These are my last words on this matter... whether or not people can see, I've moved onto another path (that is their issue, not mine), ... I'm looking forward to where it leads.. I know I deserve happiness....

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Settling For Less Is Not An Option

I have finally caught up with all my blogs.. for the time being.  I am sure there will be more to read and comment on later tonight.  I really enjoy reading other blogs I get inspiration from many of them, I love how many inspirational blogs and people that are out there, I am grateful that they share.  So, I was way behind in commenting, I think I had 100 in my feed last night, a little overwhelming for a girl who likes to comment. I did read them all but had to comment less then usual, so I am really sorry if I didn't comment on all your posts. 

I had a thought a couple of days ago about how I now refuse to settle for less than what I deserve, I personally know people in my life that have settled and what I see is that they are bored with their partners... I don't want that, I want to be excited to be with the person I am with and I want them to be excited to be with me.  I don't want to sit at home with my partner night after night on Facebook, watching TV or surfing the internet.

That thought is so dull, I want to share my life with someone special, do things together, support each others dreams.  Live those dreams with each other... that means living life outside of the four walls of home.  I had a light bulb moment about where I would be with my weight if certain events didn't happen in my life?  Maybe that is what I needed to change and give myself a kick in the butt... I am continually grateful that I have lost the weight that was a part of my life far too long.

I have lost another 9.8 pounds in two weeks, well on my way to my goal weight... one I need to learn to maintain but one I am looking forward to figuring out.  It just means knowing how much I have to exercise, which I love and how much I can give my body a treat here and there as no one wants to live on salad/fruit all the time... I want to enjoy all food within limits, it is all about balance.

Boring is not an option for me, I expect only interesting and exciting... I know that is not possible 24/7 but it's worth the effort to make it extra special throughout the day. Now that I am back on my path to my goal, I feel renewed energy to succeed and get to my goals.  Everything I want is within my reach, nothing is off limits because I have made a decision that settling for less is not an option for me...

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Can Time Heal All Pain? Or Do We Just Bury The Pain?

I didn't even know what I wanted to write tonight, I just felt the need... it has been few days and I have been really busy. Unfortunately it hasn't been with a lot of exercise.  I still try to get in as many short walks as I can but the weather has not been conducive to me walking.  We have had a lot of rain, snow and ice, thankfully it has not been as cold as it is in other parts of the country. The contest has started and I did really well the first week, I will update every two weeks, sometime this weekend.

I have been pondering that thought about if time really heals all pain?  Or do we just bury it?  Maybe it is just me... I still haven't really slept and I am not handling that well.  It is exhausting to keep going everyday since I never sleep for more than two hours at a time and maybe 5 hours for the whole night.  It makes for a lot of time for me to think.

I saw a TV show about a guy who hadn't slept for 3 months as he was dealing with grief and he said he didn't let himself sleep because he didn't want to dream.  It struck a chord with me... I don't think I allow myself to sleep because my dreams would be something that I had to wake up from everyday and realize it was only a dream.  I am not sure what is worse, having to wake up from my dreams or not sleeping for long periods of time.

I rationally know that I have to sleep, it is a necessity of life.  Sure we are able to function on little sleep but I don't want to just function, I want to live life fully.  This weekend I am going to clean my room and make it media free, even my phone. I am going to make it a calm and peaceful room, I want to make it as relaxing as possible.  Realistically I know that dreaming although hard to deal with the reality each day I wake up, has to be easier than little broken sleep.

Maybe if I could get some quality sleep I would be able to get back to exercising as much as I did this summer.  I love that feeling of pushing myself and getting faster... beating my times and also the feeling of how strong I am to go from sitting and eating unhealthy to exercising daily and eating healthy.  I am so glad that my friend ticked me of that day in May... It made me finally decide to do something about the weight and how unhealthy I was.

Plus I remember thinking that I did not want to be in the same place I was in a year... well, I won't be and that feels good that I made a promise to myself and I am seeing it through.  It is one of the single most important things I have ever done for myself, making myself a priority really changed my life in a good way.  I just have to make myself a top priority again and stop with any excuses.  I am sure it will be difficult to get back into a routine but it will never be one again, unless I start that first day and just keep doing it like I did last summer.

I'm hoping my dreams will be more sweet than painful... I know I have to figure out a way to find that out, I need to convince myself that dreaming is okay.. even if my dreams never fully meet my reality. Eventually I might be able to dream other dreams and make them a reality.  It all starts with some sleep....

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Making My Dreams Come True

Since I have written my last post about what I would like to tell my 15 year old self, I have had a change of heart.  I think being able to talk to myself at that age would be incredible but I highly doubt I would have listened and when I really took the time to think about it, I had to admit there was not a lot that I would change as each challenge that I had to overcome helped me to become who I am today.

Also, when I said I made the biggest mistake of my life and I was wondering if it had all been worth it, I didn't mean meeting him when I was 15.  Actually meeting him was wonderful, I would never regret that, being friends with him ... amazing.  I could say whatever I wanted and not feel like I was being judged for having those words or feelings.... What I regret was that we tried anything more than friendship, no matter how amazing it was for me and how unbelievably happy I was ... it wasn't worth the outcome in the end.

So I will never regret him but I will regret that it changed us, even though we tried hard not to let it... instead of talking to my 15 year old self... I think I would talk to my 47 year old self and tell myself to wait... slow down, I was in a hurry to live my dream and now everything has changed ... nothing is the same and I am left to really wonder if pure bliss was worth all the change. In this moment, I don't feel that it was...

When I weigh out the ups and downs...the good and bad... this one doesn't pass the test, it leaves me feeling like I jumped before I thought and now I have to live with the consequences... I miss what was before us... and no words I can write will ever explain how I am left to deal with the fall out of allowing myself to dream without thinking...

I highly doubt I will ever jump into anything blindly again without really thinking but I am allowing myself to dream again... there is nothing wrong with dreams, they can be wonderful but there are some dreams that were only meant to be dreams, living them out can bring too much pain and sadness.  With all that said, I am making new dreams; ones that will change my life totally... one day I hope that I can say that I went for a dream and it was completely worth it...

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